~Thursday 19 November – My Room Early Evening

The grand scheme of things…and where I am now… I am so tired and so confused. It seems as though what happened this morning took place over a week ago. And it is only fitting, that a day such as this was entered through such a suffocating veil of nightmares.

Last night I struggled so to fall sleep. The fear of the day and the horrors of my past dominated my thoughts, pulling me from one night terror on into the next. All I could think when I awoke in between was - I should have helped her. In my dreams all those that I cared about were brought before the Dementors. Their souls were destroyed one bye one while I watched. I should have helped her.

Then I was in the Ministry, holding my wand out ready to strike. "Severus," an ominous voice from behind me roared, "is she one of them?"

A young woman, barely out of her teenage years stood before me. I'd seen her once. I knew her name. She was one of the people that I had given up at my trial. And suddenly, all around her appeared the rest of those whom I'd accused... Then Evan walked up beside her looking horror stricken. Wilkes walked up beside him. I lowered my wand. "Don't!" The voice behind me commanded - and I obeyed with out question.

Again I aimed my wand. Tisiphone now stood in the crowd. And I knew, just I knew. A pair of figures parted, and beside her then was James. No, please No! But there was no escaping it. She appeared holding the baby.

The voice demanded of me - "Do not move Severus!" And suddenly the voice became a force freezing me to the spot. I could not move or speak.

From where I stood facing the crowd, Karkaroff and Avery appeared - flanking me. "Don't worry." Avery said in a perverse tone, "We're going to do it for you. All you have to do is bind them so that they cannot get away."

I woke up screaming. Thank God my room is so far from the other occupants of this castle, or my cries would have awoken everyone for sure. I sobbed in the darkness for a while. It was not yet dawn, but even if I could have done - there was no sense in my going back to sleep. I had to be awake before everyone else anyway.

I don't exactly have money, so I cannot myself subscribe to The Daily Prophet. I know that several subscriptions are in place for the professors. And there it is, for where else would such things be kept but in the one place that I want to avoid – The Staff Room. Fate was forcing me for it had to be done… I had to know what they'd written about me. I needed only to wait until the papers were delivered. As soon as they had, I could take one and leave before the other professors arrived.

As I slunk through the halls, not a soul seemed awake. In the silence around me, I still could not silence the thoughts. Why didn't I help her? Why didn't I go back? I could have gone back for her. I could have saved Evan. I could have saved her. I should have helped them all. Did I not condemn them myself in the first place?

When I finally reached the Staff Room it was devoid of life save for a two portraits. One frame held the image of an old Wizard. On the wall opposite that there was a thin frame surrounding a witch holding a tightly swaddled infant. I was lucky. All three occupants were passed out asleep. Across the room, several copies of The Daily Prophet lay, still rolled neatly upon the table. The owls must have been there only seconds previous. I took one and was about to leave when I heard voices at the door.

God damn it.

Trapped. Of course I could not Disapparate, so like a child I looked for a place to hide. My options were few. There were curtains that did not quite reach the floor and a huge wooden wardrobe. I dashed across the floor and leapt into it, burying myself in the multitude of heavy woolen cloaks. What am I doing - I kept thinking. I felt like such an idiot. And then I heard them speak…

"Can you believe what he said about Severus?" - That had been professor Sprout's voice. How had they known? There must have been other copies, why had I not known?

"I know, it's dreadful," McGonagall's voice. "I'm sorry to see it brought up again, especially like this."

"But he was acquitted no?" A woman. I'm not sure of the voice, so it must have been O'Malley, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

"Yes, of course he was. Everyone knows that, but its still difficult for me to believe," Flitwick. "I talked to Albus again about it. He swears by what he said, but I just don't know. I didn't even know Severus was in The Order, did you Minerva?"

"No." McGonagall sighed, "but Albus must have had his reasons for secrecy."

"Still, one has to wonder. After all, think back to when he was a boy. There was something odd about him." Binns. Binns – said that. Binns! Since when the hell does Binns know what goes on outside of his own lost world! And again this concern over how dangerous I might have been as a child… Was I really so threatening to people – living or dead?

McGonagall spoke once more, this time she sounded deeply disturbed, "To tell the truth I honestly don't know what think these days. Ever since everything happened… the way it ended so, suddenly…"

"Awful," Sprout cut in, "Awful, awful. But all I really remember was a quiet boy who worked very hard in my class." And this is why I love Hufflepuffs.

"Yes he was always a very good student," McGonagall added, and this is why I sometimes find it hard to think her a Gryffindor, "In the end, I have to trust Professor Dumbledore's judgment."

"I suppose we all will," O'Malley again.

After that they talked about the civilities of the day. But what the hell was I supposed to do? I was trapped like an animal in a wardrobe! I had no choice so I waited… with nothing to do but read what had been written about me while I knelt – hidden by coats in a wardrobe. It was all so ridiculous.

I wanted to die, but instead I quietly unrolled the paper. There on the front page was a rather unflattering photograph of Karkaroff - as if it were possible to take a flattering photograph of that kid… He snarled half manically, gritting his teeth - nearly spitting at Barty Crouch as he questioned him. I suddenly felt a lot better about my own botched appearance before the Wizengamot.

The title of the article read, "Convicted Death Eater Igor Karkaroff names Ministry Official and Others in Exchange for Freedom." At least I wasn't mentioned in the title.

I scanned the article, two paragraphs in, and I had yet to be mentioned. The article focused mainly on Karkaroff's prior conviction and the fact that he had named some Ministry official that I had not heard of. The third paragraph covered the other names he had first offered up, and how they had all turned out to be useless. Finally I came to it.

"Karkaroff did eventually manage to send a shock wave through the crowd when he named Severus Snape, the newly appointed Potions Master and Head of Slytherin House at Hogwarts. Albus Dumbledore then politely reminded all those assembled that Severus Snape had already been acquitted of any such charges. It was then that Karkaroff grew desperate and named Augustus Rookwood…" There was no mention of me again.

I scanned the rest of the paper, paranoid that I would find further discussion of me but I saw nothing. I waited still hidden until I heard the other professors leave. They were headed for the Great Hall. I had to follow them. As much as I wanted to return to my room and hide there forever, I knew I couldn't. If I did not face the whole of the school as soon as possible I would seem that much more guilty.

I walked toward The Great Hall though my legs felt weak. Would that I was a puppet, then someone would control my every action… But no - I was going to have to do this on my own, because it was real. I didn't help her and this was all a part of my punishment.

Upon entering The Great Hall, I made it a point not to look out at the students. Still I could feel their eyes upon me. I could almost hear the whispers of those who had read The Prophet. They would of course be informing their friends. Moments later and every single student would know of it.

I took my place beside McGonagall. I did not know whether to be angry with her for what she had said, or to cling to her for dear life since she had almost defended me… even if it had only been said for the sake of Dumbledore.

She looked at me and when she spoke, and I think – at least I want to think, that there was genuine concern in her eyes and in her voice, "Are you all right Severus?"

"Yes," I said plainly, turning my head to look at my plate of food. I couldn't take it. I couldn't bear her kindness - genuine or false… I picked at my food and wondered if she had been sincere.

What had she meant? Was she asking if I as all right in regards to the article, what had been said, or was that a general statement? Was she just saying than to be polite, to deflect the awkwardness… or was she testing me? That was it, wasn't it… She didn't want to be obvious – she wanted to know my thoughts on the situation. She wanted to know if I was angry. She could not help but wonder if I am still loyal - because she doesn't trust me at all.

In my heart in knew the truth… Genuine or not - I wouldn't have it! It was as if a sudden great wave had over taken me as it all came to make sense. I want them to hate me.

At the shock of it, my eyes flew open and my body became rigid. My fingers formed tight fists underneath the table as I heard my own voice in my head repeat the words as clear as day.

"No one can know."

And I was no longer in the Great Hall. I was in Dumbledore's Office. It was that night… I was shaking as I nearly shouted to him, "Swear it!"

No! Not now! I shook myself awake and forced myself to focus on the moment. My fear of being assaulted by memories in front of the classroom was happening in front of the whole school. I fought hard to suppress the thoughts it but I couldn't.

I remembered. I remembered saying it. I stared out to the sea of students. As their faces distorted into a blur, I came to fully understand the statement. No one can know what I am doing and not simply because I can not bear for him – or anyone to know what I have done, what I felt for her or what I feel now... No one can know, because I have to do this alone. More over, I have to be alone. I cannot let anyone get close to me – ever.

McGonagall look away. Don't look to me I am a curse, you are all right to fear me…

What pain and betrayal I felt in the Staff Room when they were discussing their distrust of me – that was just an involuntary chemical reaction. Its nothing, its not my feelings, I'm dead. I could suddenly see everything. I must do this alone and I don't want anyone to help me. I don't want anyone trust me, or even to care about me.

Was I always this way? I know there was a time when I desired such things but now that it comes to it – I don't think I even know how to handle it. Affection? Even concern… Am I so unfamiliar with these things that I cannot even react properly?

Dumbledore gave me a home and I grew angry with him. McGonagall looks in to my eyes and I look away. Lily defended me, and I called her a Mudblood. Oh dear God. I stared out at the students, and all I could think was, what's wrong with me?

No. It doesn't matter now, I told myself. None of that matters - and then suddenly a sharp pain brought me back to my senses. My hands. They were clutching the chair so tightly that they were causing me pain. It took a few moments for my fingers to uncoil. I had to stop. I had to focus but I couldn't. Was the Great Hall always so loud? Was the terrible sound of so many voices always so overpowering and I just never noticed? I could barely hear myself think as I remembered that it was time for my first class.

What was my first class? I can't even remember now as I write, and I couldn't remember it this morning either. I had to check the schedule as I do now. Right. Fifth year Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs. I don't recall letting them into the room. I barely remember the class time itself. I spoke, they did as I said and brewed something with no major incident.

They left me in silence. I was feeling anxious as I sat waiting for the class to arrive. I felt my heart beating quickly. The sound caught me off guard and I instantly drew my wand with out thinking - pointing it at the direction of the threat, then I remembered where I was. Classroom. Students laughing at the door… Right. I teach them. I slid my wand back into my sleeve and opened the door, still not thinking.

Joan Ogden and the others entered. I nearly nodded at the recognition of it. My sixth year N.E.W.T. class. Though I was not conscious of it, my body knew to fear the threat of Joan. It was almost funny.

I read from the notes. I gave them instructions and I assume they followed them. I knew Joan Ogden was gloating. I knew Elwyn Edgecombe had said something that had caused them all to laugh but I did not hear them. I did not see them. I was staring at a desk where a blond boy now sat. That used to be her desk. That was where Lily used to sit. Where she would always be… every day, taking notes and laughing... All those times, how I dreamed… and how I never dreamed of a day when she would be gone. I took for granted her blessed presence. Just the simple act of her brushing her long dark red hair behind her ears the way she always did before she began brewing a potion… the way the light from the flames would reflect in her eyes…

Would her son look up at me with those same eyes one day? Would he ask me why he has no mother? Surely the boy would do the math. Surely he would discover I had at least gone to school with her. What will I do when he asks me if I knew her?

One of the students asked me a question. I just shook my head no at them, though I still couldn't hear a thing. There was just all this…sound. This horrible sound of all of their voices - all of them speaking at once - so shrill and so overwhelming… I could hear what seemed to be fifty conversations at once and not a single word was distinguishable from the pounding in my ears.

That boy at her desk, was mixing things in such a haphazard way, so completely unlike her… I hated him. Because he is here and she is not. But that is my fault. I should have helped her.

They left. Class ended but not before Joan gave one last smug look over her shoulder at me. Had she done or said something? I don't know. At lunch the Great Hall had grown louder. This time Sprout asked me something and I jumped at the sound of her voice. I still don't know what she said but I nodded to her and that seemed to satisfy whatever comment she had made. Water was before me at the table, right maybe if I had water I would not feel so dizzy. My hands seemed to tremble less after lunch so I think it did help.

The second set of classes took place. I remember green and red. I don't remember explosions or people laughing at me too much so it must not have been a disaster. I don't know, and I don't really care. What do I care if they know I was a Death Eater? They know nothing. What I've done, what I've seen… they could never imagine. All of this… classes, The Daily Prophet articles, they mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. It's funny to think I was once afraid of them.

Now I am here, in my room… and now that I have gone back over the day do I realize what a terrible state I had been in. The students must surely think me mental by now and the funny thing is, I don't care. How things have changed in just a few days. And did I not think earlier in the week that these children would be nothing compared with Potter, Black and Lupin? Are they? Either way it is a terrible thing to think when James lost his life because of me. What am I doing?

Get it together Severus.

I have to calm myself. I have to focus, because one day that little boy is going to ask me about his mother. That - is truly my greatest fear. The most difficult thing I will ever have to face…

So. There. The waters of Slytherin will heal me enough to help me to sleep, and I will need it tonight after last night. I will manage tomorrow. This weekend I will visit the library and read the most recent back issues of The Daily Prophet.

Oh God. All those times Dumbledore laughed at me for not knowing things. He was right to do so. I could have known… It is all my fault. Everything is.

~Friday 20 November – Potions Classroom Still Early Morning

The Owls.

I woke up good and numb this morning. I went to The Great Hall feeling dead inside. I sat beside McGonagall stiff as a board. My hands did not shake and I even managed to lift my head somewhat as the first few minutes passed - and then the owls came. Piles of letters were left at Dumbledore's place and several were also left at mine. For a second I was confused. With out thinking at all - I reached out to take one of them but McGonagall quickly smacked my hand away.

"Severus," she said sharply under her breath, "Don't. Let the Headmaster deal with this." She gave me that stern look of hers. That look that had always unmanned me as a student... I drew back my hand, frozen other wise like an animal in her gaze.

Oh dear God. They're about me. The letters – they're about me. And then suddenly the world slowed down. From the corner of my eye I could see it rising up slowly from the table. I turned my head to face it. And when I finally saw the thing in full, that's when the Howler exploded.

What happened next occurred so quickly – that I am still trying to make sense of it. The commotion - the fury of sound - and suddenly Dumbledore stood up his hands forcefully gripping the table as he addressed the students. He wasn't angry but there was something in his voice… And the Howler, how it screamed with the voice of a shrill, fanatical young woman… it sounded oddly familiar. My mind raced as I tried to place it while I still strained to hear what Dumbledore was saying. What the Howler said I could easily have guessed - but that voice – his voice – the shock upon the faces of the students and suddenly the Howler was cut off! Blasted away – by Flitwick. Flitwick? Hadn't he been the most outspoken in distrusting me yesterday?

But he'd leapt - out right leapt up onto the table to cast the charm that had destroyed the Howler! The bewilderment on my face must have been so painfully obvious. I tried to control my emotions but just then Flitwick raised his head proudly and declared, "No one addresses a Hogwarts Professor in such ways – not while I have anything to say about it." The seriousness with which he'd spoken… and Dumbledore he – what he'd said.

I think I've pieced it all together now but he pushed himself back from that table, stood before the whole of the school and said, "Some of you may well be aware of accusations made against a member of this staff. I will hear no further discussion on the matter. Every member of this faculty is uniquely gifted beyond measure. I would trust each and everyone one of these professors who sit here beside me with my life. Together, they form the foundations of this institution. All of you likewise, are a part of this school. We here at Hogwarts form a family. This school is your home. Know, that forgiveness and second chances will never be denied to any member of the Hogwarts family. It does not matter where you go, or who you become in life, for this school and all those who have passed through its halls, will always be there to support you. I simply ask now that you not deny others the same consideration."

No one spoke after that. How could we? What does one say in the face of such a profound statement? I couldn't move. I didn't even know where to look – so I just stared at him. Everyone else was. And he… as only he could, just sat back down, looked out to the stunned crowd - and made some joke about the Chudley Cannons.

What? But it had worked. Everyone was put instantly at ease. The students began to laugh and within a few moments everything had gone back to normal – as if nothing out of the ordinary had even happened. How does he do these things?

I still stared dumbfounded up at him. I hadn't returned to normal because Chudley Cannons Jokes don't work on me. Not to mention the fact that there was still a massive pile of letters just sitting there before me - and just as I was wondering what the hell to do with the mess, someone cast a hover charm. O'Malley. She swept them off the table and banished them to a corner of the room behind the staff table.

What the hell had just happened?

I was desperate. I turned to McGonagall. She smiled at me and raised her eyebrow in the cheeky manner of hers. She almost smiled – but then she turned serious once more, "Don't let it bother you Severus," she told me, "This is a difficult time for everyone. It's going to be like this for a while. I am afraid all the fear, suspicion and uncertainty will linger for some time. No one really knows yet what to make of it all. The smoke hasn't quite cleared… but clear it will, and when it does, you'll see things, eventually will be all right." Then she smiled at me reassuringly.

At first I wasn't sure what to think. To a certain extent, I believed her, and this did make me feel somewhat better… Things would eventually go back to normal - for most people. To those who had only been living in fear, those who had not lost loved ones - for them there will be hope.

But what of all the others? What about the families torn apart by death or imprisonment? Will things ever be all right for them? I still can't explain it, but even as I feared for those who'd experienced such devastating loss, I couldn't' help but feel such a powerful surge of hope. Why did I feel such a thing? The other professors, they seemed almost to defend me. Why?

I suppose, after all that's happened they felt it would be best if we all stood together. Is that what we in the Wizarding World have to do no? Should we choose to forgive and to believe in all those around us? Do we trust to hope? I want to think it so. After all, wasn't that what I saw in the moon that night? Hope? I may never be in a position to trust, but the others…

So is Minerva right then? Will most people eventually be all right? I have no idea what to think.

I must stop writing now. I must put my journal away because it is now nearly nine and I have to teach. Oh dear God, how will the students behave after what just happened?