~Friday 20 November – My Room Late Evening

Home. I'm back in my room, safe in Slytherin. The first week is finally over and for two whole days not a soul will be able to touch me. No overwhelming sound of student voices. No one watching me… no performance in front of the classroom - I am free. I need only appear when I have to eat with them.

Given the difficult way in which this week began, I could never have imagined it would end in such a way. I still can't believe what happened this morning in The Great Hall. Even my classes today were, for the most part - peaceful and uneventful.

My morning class was Gryfindors and Slytherins. First years. They were fairly well behaved... The Slytherins did not even glare at me, though now that I think about it - they were likely all terrified of me. Whatever the reason, they got through the lesson with only two melted cauldrons. I gave them instructions and they worked in relative quiet for most of the class.

Towards the end of the class period, there were a few fights, but they seemed to work things out on their own rather quickly. Thankfully I did not need to intervene. While they were working, I sat at my desk and tried to gather my thoughts. As far as Karkaroff's accusations were concerned, I knew I had not heard the end of it. There would still be mutterings over it for some time, but after the things Dumbledore said I knew I would have little to worry about in the long run.

As I went out to the class to check on the results of their Boil-Cure Potions, none of the students asked any questions pertaining to my past. I didn't really expect them to. At eleven years old, I rather imagine they are too frightened of me to do so. The seventh year N.E.W.T. students who would soon replace them however, that would be another story. I was nervous when I let them into the room, but in some way I felt the rest of the staff behind me. I felt almost protected

Matilda Weston sat in the front of the room with her retinue. She smiled victoriously as she glared at me. I have allies too, I kept telling myself. I tried my best not to let her get to me, but as the class drew on, I felt my courage began to fail. And just as it did, a snarky, brutish voice shook the room, "So, are you going to appear before the Ministry now?"

I whipped my head around violently as I turned in full to face Albert Runcorn. I shot him a look far darker than any Matilda had given me. "No." I said to him curtly. Then I turned and walked away. There was laughter after he spoke of course, but the class eventually fell silent after our exchange.

I left them to work on the Draught of Living Death and returned to my desk. From behind the protection the piece of furniture provided me, I glanced out over the room taking in faces and names that I knew. Weston, Runcorn, Howard, Harden… these families the students all hail from… How strange that there is not one member of the Black family. There aren't even close ties to the clan. They may all be Pure-bloods, but most of the greater families are not represented in Hogwarts at this time. In that respect I am quite lucky – for if the true families of power had any influence over this place right now I rather imagine I would be in trouble. If they had wanted me undone they could easily have accomplished this act already. Weston might very well have it in her, in particular with the support of her many followers, but I realized as I stared down at her from my desk, that she is going to have to work very hard to do so.

As I sat for lunch in the Great Hall, I thought a lot about the great families. At one time the Blacks would have been the greatest of these families, but I suppose now that power has shifted. The Rosiers, Malfoys, Lestranges and Avery family would be the families of power now. They may not have been sent to Azkaban, but I suppose that I should take some comfort in the fact that Dumbledore and The Ministry are watching them. Of course I don't think this will make much difference. They will still do terrible things and get away with it, but like Matilda, such acts will be much more difficult for them to accomplish. They will have no protection from The Dark Lord. They will have to work in secret. Plans will take longer and require more effort. Perhaps this might even deter an act or two.

I was feeling far better than I had all week when the time came to face my final class. Second year Slytherins and Gryfindors. Again the young were too timid to speak up and ask me what I had done. The only real incident occurred when a Gryffindor girl did not correctly follow the instructions for the Wiggenweld Potion. Her Caldron exploded sending bright purple fluid everywhere. She offered to stay after class to help clean it up, but I sent the girl on her way. It was an accident after all. Anyone could have mistaken Moon Dew Drops for Boom Berry Juice … I suppose.

I finished cleaning the mess and felt my body begin to give way. I was so weary from it all. I longed for a bath and my bed. Then I remembered, it wasn't over – I still had to meet with Dumbledore.

Had it been any other day I would have been furious. But how could I be cross with him for keeping me from my room after he had defended me so passionately earlier this morning? I was almost grateful then, for a chance to speak with him.

I passed the gargoyle, climbed the stairs and stepped onto the landing. My fingers reached for the doorknob but the instant I felt the cold metal, I froze. All of the memories from our former meetings came to me.

Wait.

He hadn't said those things for my sake – he meant only to protect the school. He did not mean what he said – had he? Trust me with his life? The others yes – but me?

He lied. Why had I not seen it? This was all part of the act. Just as I pretend to be a professor, he pretended to defend me. He lied.

They all had. He had either told them to do that, or they did so on their own due to some code under which professors protect each other for the sake of appearance… they never meant to protect me, and neither did he.

I knocked on the door. He opened it with out saying a word. I did my best not to look at him, "Sir, I came as you asked," I said.

"Come in Severus," he said. His mood was difficult go gauge. I never really can tell what he's thinking, but I can generally get a sense of how frustrating he will be in conversation.

I stood before his desk, as usual preferring to stand rather than sit. I realize now that do this intentionally to hasten the process. "What is it you wanted to discuss with me?" I asked with out any emotion. This was not from suppression, but from sheer exhaustion.

"Severus," he was smiling as he said it, and then I knew I was in trouble. "I thought we might discuss your first week of teaching." Oh no.

"All right," I said obediently. This was not meant to be a friendly chat. He'd given me an order. He wanted me to report to him on my progress. I should have seen it earlier.

"How was your first week?" he asked this with out taking his piercing gaze from me.

I stared back at him. I had no idea what to say. I quickly realized that there was a correct answer to this question, only I couldn't think of it. I'm not supposed to answer this truthfully am I? He wants me to answer him in a certain way. This is still part of the lie is it not? "I managed," I said quietly.

He nodded. I'm not sure if that was the correct way to answer, but I knew it hadn't been entirely wrong either. "And how do you find the students?"

Shit. He does want the truth - or why else would he ask me such a thing? And how exactly do I answer that question? I suddenly felt like I was on trial again. "They don't seem much different from when I was in school," I lied.

Then he did it. He lowered his head and looked over his spectacles at me, giving me that look. "Is that so?" he said, because he knows.

"Yes." I said firmly as I looked him straight in the eye and lied again.

But he continued to stare me down, boring into me with out even bothering to use Legilimens. "Is there anything you want to tell me Severus?"

"No," I lied, blocking him out as best I could with out resorting to Occlumens.

He picked up his head but did not take his eyes from me. "Very well," he said.

He knows. Fine. So he knows. That does not surprise me at all. What I don't understand is why he cares about the problems I have with the students. I told him I wasn't ready. I told him I didn't want to do this, and yet he made me do it anyway. Why would he care to know how I am managing? Right. He doesn't care – this is all an act. But why ask? Was doing this to torment me? Was I to stand there and bemoan my horrible position? Was I meant to tell him how they had hurt me? Maybe that was the answer. This was all part of my punishment. He wants me to break just as they do. Just like my father, just like Potter and even Crouch – the only way out is to give up and cry.

I refused to give him the satisfaction. "Is that all that you had wanted to talk to me about?"

"No, it isn't," he said smiling widely. "Did you have a chance to read today's issue of The Daily Prophet?" Damn it. I forgot. I made myself so numb this morning that I completely forgot to do it! Two days and already I've slipped up on my promise to myself. Damn it!

"No Headmaster. I'm afraid I haven't had a chance yet," I lied to him again.

"Well I thought you would be happy to learn that The Prophet is almost entirely focused on the accusations of Augustus Rookwood, and that there is almost no mention of you." He said, still smiling devilishly.

Why would he think that? Why would it make me happy to learn that someone else's life is about to be ruined? "Is he even guilty sir?"

"Unfortunately, it looks that way," he sighed, "You were only mentioned once, and you are described as being a help to The Ministry. Does that please you?"

"You told them to write that," I said with no hesitation.

He sighed, "No Severus, while I did publicly state that yesterday, The Prophet wrote those words in the article entirely on their own with no prompting from me."

He stared at me waiting for a response, but I had none to give. I blinked several times. I didn't have it in me to do more than that.

"I thought you might also like to know…" he hesitated. All I remembered thinking was - this dramatic pause of his had better be worth it. This was a joke of course because his theatrics are never worth it – except for this one time, "…the article about Rookwood that mentioned you was relegated to the back of the paper. The front cover is devoted to the news that The Ministry has apprehended Nereus Avery."

My heart actually skipped. "Are you serious?"

"Yes Severus. Both he and his father had been suspected Death Eaters for a very long time. Joseph Avery, as you well know was among Voldemort's very first followers. They caught him a few weeks ago. Unfortunately he like many of the others made a deal and was set free. But Nereus had far more evidence mounted against him when he was caught today."

"So there is hope?" I asked. And there it is again. Hope. Even as I said it I knew the bastard would be set free, but still there existed the slim chance that he would be punished for all he had done.

Dumbledore looked down at me smiling, "Severus, there is always hope." He knows.

"Have they set a date for his trial?" I asked.

"They have. It will be held on Tuesday, the first of December." He said. And as he said it, I remembered. Mulciber. Both Avery and Mulciber had been caught? This was far too good to be true. Had they planned it? Their trials would be a week apart perhaps this could mean they were up to something.

I almost mentioned this to Dumbledore, but I couldn't. I needed to believe, if only for a few days that justice had a chance to succeed. I knew how short lived that time period would be. But for the moment, the both of them were in Ministry custody, unable to coerce or torture anyone. It was enough.

"You will be there?" I persisted, "At both his trial and Mulciber's?"

"I will, though I must warn you, there will be little I can do. Both of their families, particularly the Averys unfortunately have a great deal of influence over the Wizarding World." Dumbledore said, though I did not need to be reminded of this.

I said nothing for a while. I wanted to leave. I wanted to process all the things that he had said. "Sir, may I be excused now."

"Of course you may. And Severus, my door is always open… if there is anything you should ever want to tell me," he said this, meaning I was free, but that in truth - I really wasn't. He still wants me to admit how horrific my teaching experience has been when he already knows.

Why? This is all an act. The students are not even my true concern. In that moment, I wanted only to impress upon him just how important it was to make sure that both Avery and Mulciber were sent to Azkaban forever. But as usual, I said nothing at all and left the room.

Now I am back in my room. This day… that I thought for sure would kill me. Instead the professors – and now even The Prophet - have all defended me. And though it was all just a part of the plan, I am brought to some sense of peace by it. To learn that Avery will stand trial along with Mulciber is more than I could ever have asked…

Nereus Avery… the witty boy with a devious sense of humor - who made me laugh that first night in the Common Room just after we had been sorted. That aggressive, power hungry manipulative tyrant, with no fuse who attacked even his closest friends and family when they stood in the way of his malicious plans. It makes me sick to remember now, how he used to make me laugh. It makes me sick to think back on how I wanted to follow him… or how I felt such undying gratitude when he invited me to join them - how he put up with me, despite my poor upbringing and abhorrent blood status.

He turned on all of us – except for Mulciber of course because he was willing to do what ever Avery told him to do. So good they were together… Avery liked to see people suffer, and Mulciber loved to be the one to do it. Evan would never do such things. Wilkes might have lied to protect them, but in the end - I knew he would never be complicit in any of their actual plans. And Tisiphone – what did she ever do? She wasn't even a part of all that. All she ever wanted to do was have sex and snog me.

…And Avery loathed her for it. "Willful" he called her. She was his cousin and yet he was so brutal to her, perhaps more so to her than he was to any one else. As it is with all things, I did not see this until it was too late. But when I recall now what he did to her in the final weeks of school, I shutter to think on what he did to the Muggles.

Lily was right - about everything. Oh dear God why didn't I listen to her when she tried to warn me! I thought it was all a joke, the things he and Mulciber used to say and do… Or maybe I wanted to think that. Maybe I knew all along but I was too blinded by my own desperation to belong to see the truth for what it was. I don't know. I just know how much it hurt when they left us. How their fathers so happily welcomed them into the Inner Circle of Death Eaters. We all joined together, hadn't we all wanted to do this together?

At first I felt left out, because I used to look up to Lucius and Rodolphus - but I couldn't - we couldn't... For this they saw Evan, Wilkes, Tisiphone and myself as weak and so forced us to partake in the work of petty crimes and espionage as a way to punish us… Evan's own father - How he favored Avery - how he… I can't go on. I feel too sick.

Tomorrow I will go to the library to read up on old articles in The Daily Prophet. And when their trials come to pass, I will be watching, waiting with baited breath.

~Saturday 21 November – My Room Morning

I just woke up, tangled up in my sheets half fallen off my bed… After my anger last night I should not be surprised by the amount of nightmares that kept me from sleeping soundly. They weren't all bad. Some were memories, drunken nights around the fire when we'd been left in peace. Wilkes and Evan singing Jefferson Airplane while she kissed my neck singing softly herself…

"Remember, what the dormouse said,

Feed your head, feed your head…"

Right. I need to be in the library.

~Saturday 21 November – My Room Late Evening

Breakfast was peaceful enough, no one brought up the trials, or any of the other recent events. But I've realized that I can rely on the teaching staff to remain quiet about such things. In fact, most people avoid it I am noticing - as if to mention such things are as frightful as saying the name of The Dark Lord himself. And why would anyone want to mention such things? Saying it recalls it from memory, saying it makes it real.

I told myself I could no longer avoid such things, so I left The Great Hall as quickly as I could and headed straight for the library. I was lucky, hardly any students were there to study today, and those who study on a Saturday are the least likely to look at me or laugh.

So in solitude I poured over old copies of The Prophet, although I was extremely careful not to read certain issues that I knew would be an opening of Pandora's Box. I started on the forth of November, the day of my trail. That was after all the day that I came back into this world. Though my trial occurred on the forth, there was no mention of me in either the morning or evening edition.

The fifth of November was another story. Beginning on the cover page was long article discussing those who were tried on the previous day. Thankfully there was no mention of me on the first page…. In all Seventeen people including myself were called in to stand before the Wizengamot on suspicions of having been Death Eaters. Most of the article focused on a witch whom I'd never met. She'd gone of her head and tried to attack an Auror. Not too surprisingly she was sent to Azkaban. The article then went on to list details from the rest of the trials in order of appearance. There was no mention of me until a third of the way through…

"Also tried today was 21 year old Severus Snape who was acquitted after Albus Dumbledore gave evidence in support of the young man. A former student of Hogwarts, Severus Snape reportedly joined the Death Eaters near the end of his last term. He has since repented and has been cooperating with Albus Dumbledore and Ministry Officials to help apprehend those loyal to You Know Who."

That was the end of it. The rest of the article went on to discuss the four hearings that had occurred after mine. The Evening Prophet made no further mention of me. Most of that issue as usual, covered lighter topics and gossip. One article focused on trials set to occur for the remainder of the week.

I still can't believe the amount of people called in for questioning. Surely most of them had nothing to do with the Death Eaters… hadn't they? God what was I a part of? I feel as though the further I get from past, the more I come to see how terrible it all was. How could I have been so naïve to have believed in such a thing? How could I have been so selfish not to see beyond my own suffering in the early years when I might have still had a chance? Why did I not run - because they would have killed my parents and I with them… because I had no one to run to - but mostly, because I am a coward. Christ, what have I done?

Though disgusted with myself and my Sin, I continued to read. In most of the trials that had been held these past few days - it seems that many are being released in spite of Crouch's obstinate demeanor. Perhaps they made deals, I don't know. But for all those who were set free, plenty of other Witches and Wizards - including some that I know that I myself named, were sent to Azkaban. It's absolutely horrifying to see the guilty go free while those who were barely accomplices have their lives stolen from them. They will suffer a fate worse than death and yet I am here…

The next eight days worth of reading saw only more of the same. Countless articles devoted to the steady stream of trials... From the way in which these trails are covered with such relish from those reporting, I get the sick sense the Wizarding World has come to see this as some form of Blood Sport. And while I cannot say that I blame them, I find it appalling to think that "the good" side could actually be so blood thirsty. Well why wouldn't they be? They are all under the influence of Crouch… and again, who wouldn't want revenge after all that my side has done to them?

On the 13th of November I found the next mention of my name. This time it was an entire article and a photograph. Thankfully, the photograph was small and from my days in school. I looked dreadful, but not nearly as bad as I do now… The article itself may have been short - located on the second page and not the front, but it was still a frightful thing to have to see my image and name printed so boldly upon the page.

"Severus Snape is appointed Potions Master and Head of Slytherin House.

Severus Snape has replaced Horace Slughorn as the new Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. At only 21 years of age, he is one of the youngest professors in recent history. Not since the year of 1759 when, Devon Noctem taught Astronomy at the age of 19, has someone so young joined the teaching staff at the school. The youngest Head of Slytherin House was Epona Steamwick, who took the position at age of 20 back in 1694. Albus Dumbledore explained the appointment saying, 'Severus was an exemplary student, and was one of the brightest minds to have ever studied Potions.'

While he did indeed receive nine O.W.L.S. and nine N.E.W.T.S. it is believed his appointment was made in haste after the sudden retirement of Horace Slughorn. At this time, there is no explanation for Professor Slughorn's unexpected departure."

There was no mention at all of my having been a Death Eater – no mention of my trial either. Dumbledore's doing, of that I am absolutely certain. Perhaps even Crouch himself for all I know. He wouldn't want me to appear guilty after he had set me free. It wouldn't look good for him when he is supposed to be so unyielding towards anyone associated with The Dark Lord.

Finally I came to the last article I was looking for. Mulciber's capture. There was no information in the article that I had not already learned from talking with Dumbledore. The only thing new to me was a photograph. I cannot get over how different he looked from the last time I saw him…. He was always so tall and so muscular, but he seems to have become bigger… if that is at all possible. His hair was longer and far more ragged, and on top of that, he hadn't shaven in a few days. All of this made him seem more menacing than ever.

As much as he looked like a horrible beast of a man - starring at the photograph, I suddenly saw the boy I met when I had first come to Hogwarts. I remember it so well… That night – just before the Prefects gave me my room assignment. How I watched them in silence feeling so isolated and cut off with out her…

William was holding Evan upside down by his ankles while everyone laughed. Evan was trying to disprove some silly superstition over a song that cannot be sung upside down. Since Mulciber was so strong he offered to help. Except, he kept counting – he kept trying to confuse Evan as he sang the song - not that he needed to do this... Evan kept repeating lines, getting words wrong… several times he even snorted from laughing so hard. Even the Prefects couldn't help laughing. Finally Mulciber brought Evan over to a sofa, "Right mate," he said as he lowered Evan onto the thing, "This is for your own good. You try again in the morning after the blood's drained from your head!" He ruffled up Evan's ashy brown hair and returned to the place where the rest of us were all lined up. I remember the pangs of longing I felt at wanting to be friends with them.

I felt a surge of sorrow well up inside me in the present as I looked at the photograph and saw his hands bound by heavy metal shackles. Then I saw in my mind that Muggle girl. Any sympathy for him was instantly erased. I felt only anger towards a man who had harmed so many. One more day. One more day - then Monday will come and with it his trial. Then it will be done.

I should have read the article on Avery, but I knew anymore of it and I would crack. I must be careful not to allow myself to become too upset. I promised myself this. I remembered and I stopped myself from continuing - which I would certainly have done in the past to disastrous results. Furthermore, I knew that after such a trying experience, that the best thing for me to do would be to take a walk and clear my head. So I did that - I walked about the grounds in what remained of the sunlight and then returned to the school.

But on the way back to my room just now - the strangest thing happened. A young Slytherin girl came running up to me in the hallway. She must have been a first year, second at most... She must have been waiting for me.

"Professor! Professor!" She cried out to me as I passed. She sounded absolutely terrified.

I looked down at her, half surprised at how she had spoken, and half surprised by how much shorter she was than I, "What is it?"

"You can stop it, can't you?" her voice cracked as if she was about to cry.

Even I was getting upset, "Stop what? What's going on?"

"The monster," she said. She seemed shocked by the fact that I did not already know this. "They say she has woken up now that Slughorn has left. They say she wakes up every time there is a new Head of House and that every time she does, she has killed students."

I could have killed whatever Gryffindor told her such an awful exaggeration of that stupid old fairy tale. "That's just a rumor," I calmly explained to her, "I don't know who told you that story but…" I hesitated, for I finally realized how foolish I had been. No Gryffindor is that clever. This must be part of Matilda's plan. I looked down the hall. Surely enough four other Slytherins students stood waiting. Two boys and two other girls, first years it seemed – and all of them too terrified to approach me.

"Did the older student's tell you this?" I said addressing all of them. Not one of them moved or even spoke. I knelt down to the girl so that we would be at eye level. I thought maybe then I wouldn't scare her as much. Instead she took two steps back from me. I wanted to drop my head and back up too. It was awful. The first years are frightened of me - because they know… I am a monster too.

I bit my lip and tried to remain strong. I couldn't show fear in their presence or they would only be more afraid themselves. "There is no monster," I said to her. I was speaking softly, and yet still she took another step back.

"That's what they said you would say," she looked me straight in the eye as she said this. "How can you stop her if you don't even believe?"

"There is no monster," I said to her again speaking as softly as I could. I did my best not to sound anything like all the horrible people who scolded me when I was small… "I was told the same thing when I was your age. Everyone is. The story of Slytherin's Monster is just a mean trick used by the older students to scare people. Did a Slytherin tell you this?"

She only shook her head - not to say no… It was her way of telling me she had given up on me. She backed away then and returned to the others. They took her into the circle, wrapping their arms around her. I heard them whisper in frightened voices as they hurried away from me down the hall. I waited for a moment. I watched them leave and when the hall had fallen completely silent, I entered my room.

Of course I do not know for sure if it was Matilda - or Joan, or Elwyn, or anyone one of their many cohorts… but in my heart I am almost certain of it. How strange though, for them to turn on their own kind… I don't know… Pranks between students are the least of my concerns. I need to take a bath and resign myself to the fact that tomorrow I must deal with three more issues of The Daily Prophet… not to mention the fact that I will soon face another week of classes.

~Sunday 22 November – My Room Very Late

There is only one thing to write about. Because it is the only thing anyone can think about. It is all there is to talk about, if anyone is brave enough to talk to speak more than a few sentences on the matter. Everyone is otherwise silent. I don't think the castle has ever been so quiet when it has been so full of people. It is eerie, and unsettling in a way that only adds to the terrible feeling of foreboding.

The List. That is what everyone is calling it. The Prophet was first to announce it this morning. Everything it now seems, revolves around the horrors printed in The Daily Prophet… and there is no escaping it.

Later this week, The Ministry will release a final, definitive list of all those who were killed, injured, gone missing, or have been imprisoned because of The War. The List will be published in paper for all to see.

Everyone - all the names indelibly in once place. Those whose fates are still unknown will be officially declared dead or missing. And all those that we already know, of course - will be there too…

While this will undoubtedly reopen wounds for everyone, the general consensus is that The Ministry is doing this now, as the trials are coming to an end, as a way to give closure to The Wizarding World. Those lost will be recognized and honored once and for all. This List, they say - will mark the end of one era, and herald the start of a new one. This is The Ministry telling us that the time to mourn is nearing its end, and that it is now time to begin rebuilding what remains of our world.

I feel so many things, that I cannot even begin to articulate what I feel into words. I spent most of the day wandering alone in the forest. I don't feel any better. All I know is that I must face another week of teaching, and that I am completely unprepared to do so. The next day will be spent in dread. The whole school will be unable to focus, and once the thing has been brought into light…

This will be a far more difficult week than the one that just passed.

This time last week I was afraid for myself. Once again I was naïve and lost in my own thoughts. I never once considered the world outside of this room or The Potions Classroom. Now everyone is afraid. Everyone lost something in The War. Even if it was not a loved one or a friend, we all lost something that we can never replace…

There really is no reason to even try to settle one's self at the moment…. Nothing to do now but wait for The List...