~Thursday 25 November – Dawn, My Room

The presence of the sun. I see it now beyond the wall, burning my eyes like the grace of an angel and I think I have never been so grateful to look upon the light as I am now. I am terrified to look away. I am still shaking all over… covered in blankets and I cannot stop shaking. Don't ever leave me.

I fell asleep last night when I so desperately did not want to. I feel asleep on my astronomy book – you were supposed to protect me! Oh God what a mess I am - crying over the betrayal of a book, but then again why wouldn't I - when books are my only friends - and you didn't protect me!

I don't want to write it. Dear God don't make me write it but I must or I will never stop reliving it. I know I will never stop thinking about it – but perhaps I will stop shaking if I focus my fingers upon the act writing.

My dream - my memory that came back to me last night when I slid into the vulnerable realm of sleep… I must write it. It is my Sin and this my Penance….

Not that I shall ever atone…

I left Hogsmeade. The sun had gone, leaving deep pink streaks across the sky. I remember thinking them beautiful. I brought to mind another night that had occurred many years earlier. We walked our familiar path through the woods - Evan Rosier, Caligula Wilkes, Nereus Avery, William Mulciber, Tisiphone Torchwood and myself… We had all snuck out again. We were so empowered by our recklessness – so superior in our blatant disregard for the rules and yes - I relished it for it was the first that time I finally felt what Potter had felt for all of his life. Stupid, for to think of where that path eventually led us… But there we were – naïve, nervous and exhilarated as we hurried towards Hogsmeade. We kept hushing one another as we snapped twigs underfoot, breaking into constantly into uncontrollable laugher.

It had been years since we had lived such life with them. I had not been with any of my former friends in ages. I knew I would not see them that night as I made my way to the house. I had my reasons for remaining in solitude and for keeping them at a distance… very good reasons.

Part of me did fear that I might see one of them that night. Which seems completely idiotic now - for what danger could I possibly have brought to any of them? I needed only to see him, give him what he had asked for and buy a few more months of security for my mother, and myself and for that one too - though I tried not to think on it.

That's how it was back then. I didn't think of anything. Because I was an idiot. Because I was a selfish git who didn't care. It was heartless and unjust for me to drown into my own sorrow when the world all around me was engulfed in flames. My silence and that of others would have only added fuel to the inferno. My silence…

My silence.

Why did I not remain silent on that night?

I appeared before the gates of Carrow Manor. Jocasta herself came to the gate. I was expecting a house elf, not the esteemed matriarc of the Carrow family herself. People feared and respected this woman, as they did no other in the circle of families who embraced The Dark Lord. All of the other families were lead by men, and though many of them would never admit to it, she frightened a great many of them. I had never seen her myself before that night, but when I looked up and saw her I froze - completely overcome by her presence and I instantly understood how this woman had come to be so feared.

Her grim face was flat and emotionless. She was tall for a woman, almost as tall as I am. To emphasize her formidable frame she wore a long, stiff black dress. Jocasta at one point would have had a long flowing mane of silken black hair, but it had long since thinned out and turned gray. Her appearance was in no way diminished. On the contrary, the way she wore it so tightly pinned back from her face only brought more attention to her extremely high forehead and perpetually arched eyebrows… but it was her eyes – her stele gray eyes forever fixed in a fearsome stare. I felt the violation of her eyes piercing my very soul.

She was immensely powerful. Jocasta Carrow could have destroyed me in an instant if she had so wanted, but to her I was not even worth the effort.

I shuttered. I tried my best to introduce myself and explain my purpose with out sounding like a frightened child. She didn't say a word to me. She just continued to stare straight into me.

She never blinked once.

Finally she nodded for me to enter the gate. She did not follow. For her to walk behind me would have been a grave insult to her esteemed heritage. Still I felt her watching me as I continued up the path to the front door of her house. I felt so guilty. For a disgusting Half-blood of such low birth to enter her house was a sacrilege of the most profound nature. I was about to desecrate the very place her family had called home for centuries.

I stepped up onto the porch. There was no sound but for the wooden heals of my boots striking aged wooden steps. The wind picked up as I reached the door, I looked back at her. She had not moved, and neither had her gaze. She could have been a darkly enchanted statue, for Jocasta stood firm - her black and gray frame unaffected by the wind that blew dead, brown leaves all around her. May. The month was May and yet those dark grounds seemed completely untouched by spring. As if that icy woman had turned the place into a permanent haven for late autumn. I finally forced myself to turn away from her. I had to ignore her and be strong – I had to stand before him.

Still under the heavy burden of her watchful eyes, I let myself into the front hall. There were no lights on in any of the rooms, so I made my way slowly back through the house. All I could do was to follow the sound of muffled voices from somewhere within the long labyrinth of rooms. Even in the shadows I could tell I was in a house far grander than anything I was accustomed to. I did my best not to touch anything.

Finally I saw the low light of flickering gas lamps glowing through the cracks of a massive wooden door. I knew it would be inappropriate for me to enter such a room with out having been properly announced. Had that been the reason Jocasta had not accompanied me? Was this a trap?

It was, but not for me…

I pushed the door open and tried to make myself seem small, like I always do. I slouched and dropped my head - spilling my hair over my face. Through the dark strands of my hair, I saw the frightful scene that I had unwittingly trespassed upon.

The Dark Lord sat across the room in a large leather chair. He might have been a king on a throne holding court. Standing all around him were his retinue, Ptolemy Carrow - Jocasta husband, Lucius Malfoy and his wife, all of the Lestranges, Avery's father, and Nott - alone with out his wife. Further from him stood Evan's father, Wilkes's father, and Mulciber's father, though off course none of their offspring were present. Even McNair had come to attend him. Oh dear God I had walked straight into a meeting of the Inner Circle.

Bellatrix laughed at me first. "What's the little Half-blood doing here? Oh Avery, how sweet, he must have come to ask if your son could come out to play!" Avery's father seemed most annoyed by this.

"Bella." Lucius nearly purred to her. She hated him, and yet even she was not immune to his power and persuasion. She acquiesced and retreated - to him, and that's when he looked up at me.

He grinned widely at the first sight of me. "Severus, we've missed you. Come here son." He spoke sulkily in whispers, but every word was infused with such conviction and charm. His speech always seeps so perversely underneath one's skin. If you are strong and you can resist - then at first you will feel disgusted by his words - but no one it seems is ever strong enough. Sooner of later, everyone falls prey to the seduction. "Come Severus." His icy, melodic voice had entered full into my blood, and I was already walking across the great room towards him.

I instantly knelt before him as would be expected for one of my rank. His scent had grown stronger since the last time I had been before him. The overpowering smell of far too many cleansing solutions and the fluid we use to suspend dead creatures - I grew sick and was brought to my sense again.

"Severus," He whispered as he gestured with his long bone like fingers for me to stand back up. "It has been such a long time since last you visited, I feared you had lost your love of our Cause. Tell me, what's been troubling you son?"

Troubling me? Love for the Cause? I blocked my true thoughts with Occlumency and did not allow him to see – because all I could think was - I don't care about the Cause. I don't care if I live or die, or if the sky falls or if you want me to bring you petty pieces of gossip overheard at the Hog's Head while I hide and spy for you. I'm just quietly waiting to die.

"My Lord, forgive me," I said in a firm tone as I feigned devotion, "It has been a long time since I have heard anything worthy of repeating to you. The Blood Traitors in The Hog's Head are fools who fear even to speak of you, for they do not understand."

He may have manipulated and controlled us, but I knew that I could placate him through the delicate use of flattery. That said - I was always so cautious to not fall victim to Hubris by pressing too hard. One I misstep would permit him to see straight through the facade and that would be it. But I was always careful… so all I had to do then was to feed him trivial bits of information from time to time, pretend I that I cared and he would leave me alone.

It was my Sin. I closed my eyes to the truth and played my part. It was an act, but there was no denying it - I was acting for them.

"My Lord, I have come to you tonight because I have information for you which I believe will be of great use to you." I could tell by the look in his horrible eyes that my absence had already been forgiven, "My primary assignment was to follow fortune tellers, and as you had foreseen, one has made a prediction which pertains to you."

I told him.

I spoke the words that sealed their deaths. He dismissed me and I left. Still I thought nothing of what I had done. Even if I did not know enough to realize… did I not think of what he would do to that family? That's just it, isn't it? No one wants to think about such things… but it is our failure to underestimate the atrocities that others are capable of that ultimately leads to disaster and ruin. And what was I doing? All I wanted was to lay in a crawl space, play dead and ignore everything around me.

That's exactly where I was - laying in my crawl space when he summoned me the following afternoon. I had no idea what to make of it at first, for he never summoned me. The spies were meant never to see each other - let alone the rest of the Death Eaters or him unless we had relevant information. We were almost never summoned for we were a curse even among them. My arm was burning. It hurt almost as much as it had on the night that I was first branded. I nearly wretched - I could barely Disapparate.

But Disapparate I did, and I appeared back at Carrow Manor. I hurried through the gate this time. There is no hesitating for formalities when The Dark Lord himself has summoned you. I raced toward the room where we had last met but found them all sooner as they were all gathered in the large dining room to the left of the long hall way.

I entered the room. Everyone was making their way to the table - taking their places for a dinner. Everyone who had been present the previous night was there with a few additions. Jocasta sat near the head of the table beside her husband. Their children sat further down near the end of the table.

I knew of them certainly, since they both had been just a year and two years ahead of me in school. But they had spent so much time away from Hogwarts due to disciplinary matters - that I had barely even to spoken to either of them. Not that it would have mattered… they kept mostly to themselves according to everything that I ever heard. I looked at them then, hoping that being close to me in age they would aid me, but of course they ignored me.

It was Lucius then... Lucius Malfoy whom I had come to fear and mistrust the most who guided me. "You are sitting beside me Severus," he said as he gestured to an empty chair. I sat down, still completely bewildered as to what was going on. "Have you met, Antonin Dolohov?" he asked as he pointed out the wizard who was sitting to my left.

He wasn't much older than me, but I didn't recall ever having seen him at school. He nodded at me and we shook hands. It was all so sickening and so surreal. I had such a terrible foreboding but I forced myself to remain calm.

The Dark Lord appeared. He swept across the room in a wisp of smoky robes while his faithful serpent glided about the floor beside his bare feet. He took his place at the head of the table and greeted everyone.

What was this?

He continued, acknowledging each person present until finally he got to me. "Severus," he said as I his my feelings behind a wall of Occlumency, "You are to be commended. You are only the third member of your generation to be welcomed into the Inner Circle," I looked to the younger Carrows, but they only glanced back at me with vacant expressions. I noticed however, that most of the others were politely nodding their approval of me. Just then I felt the Mark on my arm burn once more with searing hot pain as if it was sealing my fate - making my appointment to The Inner Circle that much more real.

What the hell had happened?

He was laughing – that horrible laugh reserved only for times when he is most perversely pleased. "I have the utmost faith in you Severus," he said still grinning, "Your two young counter parts had displeased me in the past but after… a time I forgave them and welcomed them back into The Circle."

Of course he paused when he said that. Even I living in the shadows had heard about what he had done to Jocasta as punishment for her daughter's missteps. It was his way of reminding everyone of the terrible price we would pay for our failures. Jocasta, to her great credit never flinched, even as many of the others seemed collectively to shutter. She may be a cold and calculating woman, but she displayed a tremendous amount of strength, I will give her that.

He started to talk again. It was awful. No one spoke but him. We all watched him nervously. Everyone remained tense for several minutes – even after he finished speaking. House elves served food and eventually everyone began to speak quietly with one another. It took some time for the room to resume the level of laugher and noise that was heard before his arrival.

Without warning he abruptly addressed us once again. All sound ceased. "I have received an insight of great worth that I wish to share with all of you. Severus has informed me that a boy will be born with the power to undo me. I of course cannot allow this, so the child will be destroyed before he has the chance to do so."

I was frozen. The guilt and fear did not register on my face for I was too stunned to react. Idiot. Idiot you are! What were you thinking to tell him such a thing – I thought. Occlumency something inside of me instantly cried out. I must continue to employ Occlumency!

The room had remained as quite as the grave when he had finished speaking – but it was Bellatrix who finally broke heavy silence. "Why do we not just kill him now My Lord – find the mother and kill her before she can even give birth."

"Patience Bellatrix." He spoke to her in a mere whisper. "The mother, the father and the boy will all be destroyed in time. I must see this boy... do you understand? I myself will face him, and then it shall be done."

Death – I have condemned an entire family to death. I focused my every thought into Occlumency to shield my mounting terror.

"Forgive me My Lord," Bellatrix said as she tried to sound calm, "But I see no reason to take such chances."

With one looked he silenced her for good. "The child, as Severus has so graciously informed me, will be born as the seventh month dies to parents who have thrice defied me." His poisoned words had completely transfixed all who were present at the table – everyone that is, but not me. "It just so happens, that two people who have been most troublesome to me are expecting their first child at the end of July. James and Lily Potter are the ones responsible for this disturbance. Make no mistake of it, they will pay dearly for this."

There are no words.

There are no words in any language to describe the avalanche - the world shaking - the sky falling - the air being sucked from my lungs - crushing me – her– Lily! My heart was racing - the room was spinning - this wasn't real - I wanted it to stop - I wanted to scream-

"Severus, why do you seem so troubled? He spoke – to me directly. I whipped my head in his direction but did not dare blink as he continued his toxic speech, "Fear not, for you have done me a great service by informing me of this. Because of your actions, I will be able to stop this child from harming us before he can even raise a wand. Because of you Severus, our Great Work will continue. For this act, I promise, you will be well compensated. For this act, you have been elevated to The Inner Circle. From now on you will be protected and revered by everyone here present as one of my most faithful and trusted Death Eaters."

My entire body shut down. I went into shock. Frozen still. One move, and I feared he would kill her on the spot. But he said he would wait – did he not? Wait until the child was born? May until July… I wanted to throw up. I was so sick and so terrified. The world around me had been muted… I was alone in a crowded room full of people who would kill me upon one missed breath if I were to appear to be even the slightest bit disloyal.

The dinner party broke up and soon everyone was standing about the room drinking. I put all of my energy into the stem of the wine glass between my fingers. I stood as still as a statue, drinking occasionally, pretending to pay attention. I could concentrate only on the glass in my hand or it would all come undone. Thank God for all of the clamor in the room, or they all would surely have heard my heart pounding.

I left the party as the others did, Disapparating as quickly as I could back to Hogsmeade. I waited until I had reached the crawl space, cast Muffliato and began to sob. It was over. The world was over and I had done it – I had marked her for death. I don't remember much. I know I wrote something in my journal. I know I argued with myself for a long time over what to do.

Lily was going to be killed - because of me. The child would die and it would be my fault. James would die and it would be my fault. I was crying then - even over James. I hated him… he'd hurt me almost more than any other person - but I never wanted this. I wanted to be him. I wanted to be one of them. I went mental - I sobbed and was a ten-year-old boy in that crawl space.

Get it together Severus!

Finally I decided it had to be done. I would beg for her life. The child I knew he would never allow to live… but if I could just save her… Even then – even as I made my way to the street below, I knew how imposible it all was. By asking him for anything, I myself would most likely be killed - but I had to try. There was nothing left.

It had only been a few hours. I Disapparated and returned to The Carrows. I knew the risk I was taking by entering into their house, but I was far past worrying about myself. I reached the room where I had found him on the night previous. Sure enough, he was sitting up with his snake and Bellatrix. Both sat near him rapt with attention as he spoke.

"My Lord," –the instant I'd spoken, all three of them turned to stare at me.

He was surprised but not angry, "Severus, what is it that has brought you back here this night?"

"My Lord, forgive me, I have come to speak with you on a private matter." I glared at Bellatrix, hating her almost as much as I hated myself.

"Of course. Bellatrix," he whispered tenderly to her, "If you would please excuse us…"

She was furious of course, but she obeyed him with out question and left the room. I waited until the door clicked shut behind her - until her footsteps reached the top of the stairs and she slammed another door before I acted. I crossed the floor, and then knelt before him. I summoned every once of courage that remained in me before I spoke. For if I was to show any sign of weakness while begging for her life, all hope would be lost - and with it her life. "My Lord, forgive me. While I fully understand and agree with your plan to destroy the child," I lied, "I must ask you, to please spare the life of the mother."

"The Mudblood?" he said, repeating the word I had spoken so many years ago - the very word that had severed our friendship.

"Yes My Lord, her." My voice almost wavered, but I thought of her and held on.

"I remember," he said, "When you first came to me you were suffering for girl who would not return your affections for her."

I had to think quickly. To admit to the feelings in my heart would have been to admit to weakness. To seem beholden to her, a Muggle - Born who would not even speak to me would have been abhorrent to him. He was testing me. "I admit it is foolish of me, but though I know she is beneath me, I still desire the Mudblood."

He was silent for a moment, but he was grinning in a wicked way. I could almost tell what he was thinking. It made me sick, but that was what I had wanted him to think…

"Yes Severus," he began, speaking in a way that made my skin crawl, "I suppose, that there would be no reason to kill the mother once the father and child are out of the way. After all, I did promise you compensation, and the Dark Lord always keeps his promises. So be it, once the father and son are dead, the Mudblood will be all yours to do with as you see fit."

"Thank you My Lord," I excused myself then left the house.

I Disapparated back to Hogsmeade, but this time did not return to my crawl space. I was shaking all over - sick with myself over what I had done. What had I done? Did I really just beg the Dark Lord to make her my slave while her husband and son will be slaughtered! I threw up then collapsed. I lay on the ground thinking about it. I didn't trust him for a second – and either way, she's dead. James would die whether he kept his promise or not, the baby… dear God he was going to murder and infant!

All hope was lost, and so, with no hope at all I sent an owl to Dumbledore - begging him to meet me on the hill above Hogwarts. I couldn't put my warning into writing, for if it fell into the wrong hands there would be no chance at all of saving them.

So I waited. I waited nearly two hours for his reply. Already I was taking a great risk by sending an owl. I was hooded but still I had exposed myself by visiting the Owl Post at such a late hour. Appearing in public so late at night - my affinity would have been rather obvious. At the height of the war, the "good people" did not venture out after a certain time. I feared that I would die or be caught before I could warn some one.

Finally his response came. It was short. All it said was, "Yes Severus, I will meet with you." I walked away quickly to a place where I could Disapparate unseen. I knew my chances were slim. He was a member of The Order and I was a known Death Eater. The procedure would be to kill me on the spot, but I had to stay alive long enough to warn him.

I Disapparated to the hill but he was not there. I waited, pacing up and down and all I could think was – he's going to kill me, he's going to come with a host of Aurors and he'll kill me before I even have a chance to speak. I couldn't breathe. My heart was beating so hard and so fast that it ached from the effort. The pain of it – the fear – the unbearable thought that I would fail and she would die. I took out my wand, the only friend I had held on to it for dear life. That sliver of wood was all I had left – my soul protection and my last hope for saving her.

The sound – the blinding flash - my wand had been wrenched from my hand. I accepted it because I knew I deserved it. I fell to my knees and begged, "Don't kill me."

The wind whipped up around us in a violent fury. His voice carried over the wind like a thunderclap, "That was not my intention."

My mind raced. I saw him standing above me – no longer the kindly headmaster of the school, but a great and imposing wizard. The only one he had ever feared, and now Dumbledore's image had filled me with the same fear – for I had never seen him so angry. "Well, Severus?" again his voice seemed to roar above the wind, "What message does Lord Voldemort have for me?"

I told him what I had done. His reaction – the look on his face, his anger – I cannot begin to describe in words but his expression will haunt me for the rest of my life. He asked me why I did not beg for her life in exchange for the child… I tried to explain.

His face grew darker than ever I had seen it. He looked down upon me and I heard his voice say, "You disgust me."

I hung my head. I had to look away. His words had hurt me more than any insult James or anyone else had ever thrown at me - because he was right. Dumbledore was absolutely right to revile me.

He stared at me then, with a fury I had not even seen in the eyes of my father on his most tempestuous of tirades and he said to me, "You do not care, then, about the deaths of her husband and child? They can die, as long as you have what you want?"

What could I say to that? It was true. It was what I had begged of the Dark Lord in desperation - but if I had truly wished for that I would not have been on my knees before him! What sick person could wish death upon a child! Even James – whom I'd hated for years I could never wish death upon. I wanted to save him and I wanted to save the child just as much as I wanted to save her – but there was no point in arguing. I was far from innocent after all, and my feelings meant nothing. Saving them was all that mattered.

"Hide them all then," I begged, and suddenly her face - the beautiful vision of her, my love and my life flashed before my eyes and I began to cry, " keep her – them – safe. Please."

He loved James. He always did. I thought for sure that the moment I had warned him of their impending deaths that he would leave me and do everything within his power to protect them. I knew this. I would be killed or sent to Azkaban. Of course he would help them for they were his most loyal and beloved students – they were members of The Order of the Phoenix – they had all been friends! But instead, he remained still and said nothing. He looked down at me, his terrifying eyes piecing mine – finally he said, "And what will you give me in return?"

What! He… thought not to protect them? "In – in return?" I asked.

I had no idea how even to feel, let alone what I should say. I didn't understand. That was the last thing I had expected. Why wouldn't he want to help them? Why did he need compensation? And why ask me such a thing! Didn't he understand? I hated myself for what I had done. There was not a thing I wouldn't do to take back my actions. I looked up at him, and said as firmly as I could, "Anything."

He studied me carefully and did not respond. I knelt there trembling - what was happening? The Dark Lord so quick to spare her life when Dumbledore hesitates to tell me if he would even help them? This had to be a dream - a nightmare. Dear God that it was all a nightmare, but the cold ground beneath me, the trees that refused to bear leaves despite the season, and his inescapable gaze were all too real...

Finally he nodded at me. "Very well. Lily, James and their son will be protected. You will repent in full and relinquish your loyalty to Voldemort. You will be considered a member of The Order of The Phoenix, but this must be done quietly. You will remain in the service of Lord Voldemort and act as my spy henceforth. Do you understand?'

Repent? Become a member of The Order? I deserved Azkaban or at least death… This was in no way forgiveness or a second chance, but it felt too close to one. It all seemed so wrong - but I would have done anything. I did not care what happened to me. They would live and everything would be all right. I agreed with all my heart to do anything that he asked of me from that moment forward. I lived in constant fear, but I really did believe that the three of them would be safe under the protection of Albus Dumbledore…

What have I done? Dear God what if we fail again. The boy… the baby. I'm going to be sick. I have to pull myself together. I have to teach very soon. They will already be wondering what has caused me to come so late to breakfast.

I still feel as terrified as I did last night before I was assaulted by this memory that was brought back into light from having to watch the students as they did the same… Why am I still so frightened? The moment has passed. All the things I feared most to remember came back to me, did they not? I saw it. I relived it and wrote about it - so why am I still shaking?

Maybe I just need to get out of this room and face the day. Maybe that's all I need. The students - perhaps they will distract me from my terror. Even now that sounds so foolish a thing to think but I'm at a loss. So I must leave now…

DISCLAIMER

Dialog from this chapter was taken directly from the book "The Deathly Hallows." The conversation between Dumbledore and Snape was taken straight from the book – I did not write those lines.