~Thursday 25 November – Noon The Potions Class Room
I can still hear his voice in my head.
I'm going to stay here - I don't want to leave. I cannot bring myself to set foot in The Great Hall. The Draught of Peace that I had taken this morning has done nothing to calm me. Even now I can feel the slight effect that it had wearing off. It was folly to even take it. After what I have seen - after what I recalled in dreams last night, how can I rely on potions to steady my nerves?
I am starring at the flask on my desk, still fairly full of the fluid. Why even look? It won't silence his speech that keeps repeating in my head.
"…the Dark Lord always keeps his promises..."
I wanted so much for my classes to distract me. They didn't. I was lost before I even made it to my class. The sky…
It was almost as if he or someone else had made it happen – it was terrifying. Just when I had prayed for the light to never leave me - it did. I left my room, and as I walked through the halls, I watched as a mass of heavy storm clouds gathered outside the windows. The sky grew darker with each passing minute – with each turn I took down a hall until finally the clouds swallowed the sun and destroyed the light.
I tried to go on - telling myself that candles would suffice. I didn't know what was happening or what I was thinking, but just as I neared The Great Hall - I turned suddenly and nearly ran in the direction of The Hospital Wing.
Swanhilde.
I was running by the time had I arrived. I pushed the doors open, ran through them and nearly crashed head first into Madame Pomfrey herself.
"Severus!" She grabbed me by the shoulders and stopped me. "What is it, what's happened?"
I couldn't remember – I was still trying to catch my breath. I looked around the room trying frantically to find what it was that I had come for. The room was empty - no one was in any of the beds. She had been leaving - going to The Great Hall…the students – that's it. "Swanhilde – Miss Eyton, is she alright?"
She looked at me and seemed puzzled for a moment, "Yes, of course!" She still spoke in the fiery manner to which I had grown so accustomed as a student. "She was here yesterday. Just a routine case of boils, I had her healed and back to her Common Room in less than an hour. Severus what's the matter with you! You know a simple case boils is no cause for real concern!"
I had trouble comprehending her words after she had told me that Swanhilde had been healed. I stared at her - trying desperately to make sense of what she had said. Yes. Of course, that sort of magical malady happens quite frequently at this school but…
"Severus, is everything all right?" But she was no longer speaking fervently. She was talking to me as if I were an injured child. I don't know why, but the tone of her voice – Pomfrey speaking to me in that manner sent me instantly into a panic. I backed away - unable to breathe for my fear. "Severus, stay here a moment! What's the matter with you, is there something you needed to talk to me about?"
Talk to her - about what? Were she and Dumbledore conspiring agasint me - trying to get to me talk! "I'm fine" I lied to her. I felt a swell of guilt because she looked upset, but I still ran back to the Great Hall. I ran down the stairs and nearly fell at the sound – the thunderclap that started it. The storm - the torrent of pouring rain that hasn't ceased its fury since this morning. Its just as it was a few days ago – when all I could hear were the voices of the students pounding in my ears. Only now - I hear is the howling wind, the rain, their voices, and above all else him. I hear him and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
I tried to stay calm throughout breakfast. Madame Pomfrey was looking at me as she crossed the room. We locked eyes for a moment. Than it occurred to me - I see her every day, and yet, every time I see her - I instantly look away with out thinking on it. Why have I avoided her?
At that thought I got up and left breakfast early because I realized what was going to happen if I didn't run. I don't want to know. There was something and I didn't want to know what it was. I wanted to remember a few days ago, but after what I recalled last night I no longer want to know.
I taught my morning classes. I got through them – barely, and now I am fighting to hold on until my afternoon class arrives.
I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't breathe - I'm drowning. I want to scream but I can't for fear of the fact that some one will hear me. But I have to… I'm drowning and I cannot take care of these children. I cannot take care of him. I will finish my afternoon class and then I will find Dumbledore, and beg him to let me stop teaching.
~Friday 26 November – Nearly Dawn My room
It's been two hours. I've been back for two hours.
I'm still a bit damp, but I don't really feel cold anymore. The fire I lit for the first time since I took to this room… I think its working. What have I done? What did I do…
Now that I am here - I feel so ashamed and horrified at myself. Yet, I am here, and I feel somehow stronger and more defiant than I had previously… for now I have seen - now I know. Now I truly understand why I must do this.
It was wrong of me to dismiss my students early yesterday… But let them leave I did. I had just finished hiding my journal when I realized how late it had gotten. My students were at the door and so I let them in. I was on edge to begin with, but when they arrived early and I was unprepared - I almost went mad completely. I told them to read, but I stared out the window and focused completely on the pounding rain against the dirty windows. I could barely see the light through them - just the sheets of water cascading down the clouded glass…
Some one called my name. "Snape?" I turned my head in the direction of the students. Had one of them called me, or had I imagined this? I wasn't sure, but I knew I couldn't take it anymore. I told them that I needed to see the Headmaster on official Hogwarts Business and that class was to end early. I tried to sound as calm as possible.
I don't think any of them knew. They would have known that I was a bit troubled - that was imposible for anyone to ignore, but the fact that I was near fainting from fear – that no one could have known. Thank God that none of the students know what it is to stand before The Dark Lord or to have witnessed what his followers will do in his name.
There was no reason to contaminate them with my terror, so I waited until I knew they were gone – and then I ran.
I ran from the dungeons, I ran to the Gargoyle, I ran up the stairs, and I threw open the door to the office - but Dumbledore was not there. I heard the dry drawl of one of the portraits. "He's gone to The Ministry again." Phineas.
"Where is he!" I demanded as if he had not spoken.
"Augustus Rookwood's trial." He nearly yawned. "Most of the other portraits have joined their counterparts to watch. This promised to be one of the more eventful inquiries…"
He went on to say more but I had already run from the room. I was gasping for breath as I descended the stairs. Something was profoundly wrong, my heart was beating too fast - I was going to faint. The world swimming around me turned black as the pounding in my ears threatened to overtake me. My room – I had to get to my room before someone found me in such a state.
My room. I could see the door down the hall but something was wrong. Something ominous filled me with fear… A small brown parcel sat before the door to my room - waiting for me. I didn't want it. I knew I didn't want it, but I fell to my knees at its presence. With great trepidation I lifted it and held it out before me. There was a note attached. It was from Madame Pomfrey. I dropped it. I knew what it was, what they were - but I didn't want to open it. Still I needed to do something, so I opened the door to my room and kicked it in.
I had to open it. Why did I do it? Why did I put them on….
What was I thinking?
It was Pandora's box.
I opened it because I was looking for hope
…and to find hope – I had to release….
Everything.
I remembered everything. I will have those memories forever. Now I know, I will always know… where I was, what happened in the lost hours between that night when I had spoken with Dumbledore, and when I woke up days later on the date of my trial. I know now where I was, and how I... knew - how I found out…
I remembered first how it was that I had come back to the school as I opened the parcel from Madame Pomfrey. I ran my hands over the fabric and with in seconds the memories flooded my mind. And suddenly it was no longer the fabric... it was the earth – the cold damp soil of the forest floor that my hand caressed. I knelt in the woods on rocks, not the stone floor of my room. I had just finished burying my journal – Tisiphone, and all that remained of my former life with it. I marked the earth with a record that no one would recognize but her, cast the charms and -
My life was over. I ran. But Dumbledore found me. He threw his arm out to stop me running. I nearly collapsed in his arms when he grabbed me. He was yelling at me. "Where were you going Severus! What were you doing?"
I was struggling to catch my breath and crying so hard that I could barely answer, – "because I…" I tried to speak but I was going to be sick, "– I"
"Severus! Calm yourself and tell me what you were doing out here," he demanded.
"I- I had to say good – bye…"
It had taken all the will I had left so say and after speaking it, I collapsed into sobs. I couldn't speak or stand any longer. Dumbledore moved to Disapparate. I knew what he was doing, I tried to stand - but he had to hold me up. He spun on the spot and we were hurtling through blackness. I couldn't take the pressure on my chest and while we were rushing through the void – I blacked out and lost consciousness.
I don't remember. Her voice... a field, walking beside the river. Another life. Her mother in the kitchen while we played with blocks... She asked me something. I don't remember.
I don't remember, because I was asleep. I don't know how long it had been, but slowly I was drifting out of my dreams. Yellow, white light in a brightly lit room… but I still could not see. Everything was fuzzy, muffled voices… A young woman was speaking, she seemed troubled, but was ultimately calm as she spoke somewhere in the distance.
"…he shows signs of malnutrition, severe fatigue..." Where am I? White… yellow… lamps burning, white linen, brass beds… I know this place.
"I patched up hands as best I could, the spell seemed to take well enough but…" Hospital Wing. I'm in The Hospital Wing. I was lying flat on my back with my head turned to the side staring at the eastern wall. The walls, the curtains, the vacant beds – everything was bathed in that familiar warm yellow glow. I remember this place. I remembered waking up confused in that place as student once before.
My wand!
But I saw it a second later, sitting safely beside me on the table next to the bed. Thank God…
"I don't understand, is he a student? The Headmaster left him here half an hour ago then he left. He insisted that I give him the Draft of Peace, but I'm not authorized and he'd already fainted - "
As soon as I understood, I sat bold right up in that bed. I don't trust any one – not even her.
"Of course you should have consulted with me first! Albus should know better than to leave a young Healer in training with such a thing!" Madame Pomfrey was already rushing toward the bed before I could get up. "Severus!" She shrieked at me.
The young woman ran behind her, trying her best to keep up as she spoke quickly to explain, "Professor Dumbledore said he'd been with the Death Eaters? That he'd been on our side and had a run in with some Death Eaters who roughed him up. I don't understand Matron, after all they say has happened this night – it's all too much. I'm sorry if I did wrong – I'm sorry if I did not know him for a student but I - "
"Former student. He's a former student," she was saying to the young Healer. I didn't even care that Dumbledore had lied to them. I didn't care about anything. I remember – she grabbed me and forced me back down onto the bed. I kept trying to get up. Had I the strength I would have.
I was so angry with her. Looking back now… how she looked at me. Her eyes were full of tears. "Severus – what happened to you!" She was genuinely upset and concerned, either over me, or all that had happened on That night or both... She kept putting her hands on my face, but I kept violently turning my head from her in an attempt to get away. She was not deterred, she pulled my face close to hers – "What did they do to you Severus?" She kept trying to get me to talk, but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything, and even if I had - I couldn't speak. I felt as though someone reaching inside of me squeezing the life from my lungs. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't swallow, and I didn't care.
That poor woman, whom I fear now that I would have stuck in that moment - had I the strength – such was my apathy… that poor woman was trying to help me and I didn't care. The younger woman, who seemed not much older then I reached out for my hand – but I wrenched it back. Then Madame Pomfrey herself tried to examine me. She reached for my wrist – I found my words – "Don't touch me!"
She backed off instantly. Then she closed her eyes and shook her head. "Severus, you're a mess," she said in a mere whisper. I don't know why I did it. It certainly wasn't sympathy toward her, for in that moment I was too foolish to feel any. I felt nothing. I was dead. Either way, I was dead, so I let look after me. What difference did it make? Go ahead and feel for my pulse - I have no heart - I have no life… I'm nothing.
She was picking the leaves from my hair when she finally spoke again. "Where are you things Severus?"
I'll give you the Sleeping Draught, but first tell me where your bed clothes are, and I'll have Claudia fetch them for you."
What?
I didn't fully understand what she had said… "What." Thought it was more of a statement than a question, for I still did not care.
"Where are your things?" She said
I understood what she meant that time but, "Things?"
"Yes!" She almost smiled. "Where are you things - I'll have Claudia fetch them."
I told her, "I don't have anything."
"What?" And she wasn't smiling anymore.
"They just gave me money once in a while. I'd buy food every now and then, but I never really had anything." I said that as if were all completely normal.
She stared at me in disbelief and shock. I looked back at her barely even blinking. I think that after a few moments of looking at my frightful appearance, she realized I was being serious - thought I'm certain she had no idea what the hell I'd been talking about. How anyone else would have handled it, I can't imagine, but this was Madame Pomfrey after all… Despite being horrified, she did her best to pretend that she wasn't and said - in as good of an impersonation of her own stern voice as she could muster up - "Well, you'll need to sleep in something. Here, take this a while."
She handed me a cup containing a dark fluid but I recognized the scent of the solution instantly. I may not have cared about anything, but even then I wouldn't have it. I did not trust her, Dumbledore or anyone. I certainly would not take any potion that would have left me vulnerable. I would never willingly put myself in a position where they could get to me. I snatched my wand from the table and vanished the potion before she could return.
When she did return, she was carrying a bundle of gray fabric in her arms. She placed it at the foot of the bed. I watched as she separated the fabric, pulling up what appeared to be a gray nightshirt. Inside, on the collar I could make out the crest and the name of the school stamped in black lettering. "It isn't much," she was saying as she surveyed the thing, "It's just a pair of pajamas left over from a time when the school had uniform bed clothes – but you take them now." She handed them to me and told me to get changed. But I never did, - because that's when Dumbledore appeared at the door.
Madame Pomfrey rushed over to speak with him. I struggled to hear what they were saying, but they were speaking so quietly. Finally I heard her speak up. "You can't take him Albus – he's sick!"
He answered her in his most reassuring tone. "You needn't worry Poppy, I will look after him." Her fears may have been allayed, but I knew enough to be frightened. I didn't want to stay there, but I didn't want to go with him either.
I forced myself to stand before I was asked to do so and walked over to Dumbledore. He took my arm and led me from the room. I looked back over my shoulder. Madame Pomfrey and the young healer were watching us. It was a mistake to have made eye contact, for I felt sorry. I wanted to stay, but I dropped my head and followed Dumbledore to his office.
I don't remember what he had said to me, but it was in harsh tones I know, and it had to do with my having left the school. He went on scolding me for having left. Several times he stressed that I was never to leave the grounds with out supervision ever again. I was starring up at the ceiling – it was if it had become the enchanted ceiling of The Great Hall, another sky above my head, spinning and spinning circles around me, bringing the walls with it. I was in a whirlpool of flashing visions and the sound of his voice was just another wave in the undertow that had taken me.
I started screaming. I was calling her name. I know I said it, I said I wanted to cut my throat and die. He let me scream. He let me carry on in my rage and merely stepped back as I fell to the floor in exhaustion, coughing and crying… unable to speak. I remember the moments just before dawn. Still he stood over me. Hours had passed. I couldn't even cry, I could only breathe in shallow breaths, and even that was difficult.
As daylight began to break in the sky, I began to fade into unconsciousness. He picked me up and put me in a chair… that chair – the wooden chair where according to the portraits I had remained for days - where Dumbledore trained me in my trance on what to say – the place where I remained until I awoke for my trial.
So there were no potions or memory charms. I had done that to myself. I shut myself down and made myself forget.
For several hours I tried to accept the memory that had resurfaced as a result of the parcel from Madame Pomfrey. I don't know why, but I had changed out of my clothes and was wearing the pajamas. Why did I put them on? Perhaps I saw it as an act of defiance. I suppose I was thinking, that a part of me would rather have spent those dark days in her care rather than in Dumbledore's…. though I'm not sure what difference it would have made in the long run. In fact perhaps, as much as I hate to think it - I was better off with him.
I certainly didn't think that last night. As the hours slipped by, I sat huddled in a corner of my room staring down at my bare feet against the stone floor. I listened to the storm assaulting my windows, and I couldn't help but notice just how much the uniform pajamas resembled prison clothes. They were, weren't they? Was I not a prisoner? Was I not there as a form of punishment - to fulfill a mission and to atone for what I had done? I was a prisoner. I would have been fine with this, but I could not help but to distrust the school. After all it had failed before – he had.
Dumbledore had failed to keep them safe, so how could I trust him now? I never trusted him - I never trusted the school. Memories of my school years began to flood my thoughts, but as they did they became more and more permeated by thoughts of Lupin. I remembered how much I hated him. I recalled why I hated him. He was put in place as a Prefect to protect me, and those like me from them, but he did nothing. My head swam with thoughts of Lupin and all that we were doing for her son. As I contemplated the whole grand scheme of things - I realized how similar this new plan was to the one that had been put in place to protect Lupin.
Her son was now in the care of her sister - so her family is involved, as is the Squib Arabella Figg, Dumbledore of course, and I myself are all acting as a secret protectors of this boy. It's no more excessive than the efforts to conceal and protect another boy – Remus Lupin - and his unspeakable condition. An entire house set aside for him - a magical tree brought in especially for him, Madame Pomfrey's complicity, and all of the Marauders, my forced silence - and again Dumbledore - all of us devoted to keeping him safe.
And where is Lupin now? One doesn't hear a word of him or read anything about him in The Prophet. He is on the run now. He would have to be. He is hiding, scratching a living off the Earth like a criminal. All that effort and still the school failed him.
Upon that realization I went off my head. I was still in the gray bedclothes but I did not care – I raced from my room in the direction of Dumbledore's Office. How dare he – I was not going to be a part of it. I was not going to fail her son. I knew we would do him more harm than good and I wanted out.
Again I forced my way into the room – again he was not in his office. This time I did not wait for an explanation from the portraits. I didn't want to hear it. The Staff Room. I thought he would surely be in there.
It was late. It must have been near midnight - so why I thought he would be in The Staff Room, I do not know - but I went there anyway. I lit my wand and stood in the middle of the dark room, calling out for him like a mad man. No human answered me, but suddenly with out warning – he - woke up.
His cries – the child – the swaddled infant in the painting woke up and began to cry. The horrible sound stole the breath from my lungs and I instantly collapsed - falling to my hands and knees on the floor of the room. The sound was unbearable. He cried and every scream that escaped that child was like a dagger in my chest and in my head – I clapped my hands to my ears to stop the agonizing sound from penetrating my thoughts but it was too late.
My eyes rolled back into my head – and it was happening – it was real. This. This moment – this was – and I knew it as the memory took me over. This was the terror that had held me hostage – this was what I had fought with every fiber of my being to forget – but he was screaming and crying and - I lost it.
I screamed.
I knelt on the floor - I screamed and I moved to cut myself – to tear open my flesh with Sectumsempra but it could never be enough – I pushed myself up from the floor and began to run - but it was real – it was happening -
It was early evening, the last night in October and the streets were full of revelers making their way to the Three Broomsticks. I stood, wrapped in a hood and scarf in the high street of Hogsmeade. Rodolphus himself approached me, "Severus," he was saying jubilant as ever I have seen him, "Did you hear – It's over! We've won – The Dark Lord is victorious! It was a Fidelius Charm, as was suspected. The Secret Keeper finally gave in and told him. The Dark Lord they say has already accomplished the act Severus! We've done it, tonight the tide has turned in our favor!"
At first I felt nothing, because it wasn't real. I stood still as stone facing him…his words merely passed through me like a ghost, ice cold and painful. It couldn't be real. But I knew… He walked away and I knew – because I realized that I knew where the house was - had I known all along? No… I hadn't –
- Oh dear God, if I know - then the spell has been broken!
I turned on the spot and Disapparated – in real life I was running through the halls of the school, slamming into walls – feeling the pain in my shoulders upon impact, stumbling, catching myself before I fell and continuing to run because there was no time – I had to get to her – I had to get to the house before it was too late. I had to get – out before – I had to get to her.
I ran through the streets but those streets were far less crowded than those of Hogsmeade. No one passed me as I ran through Godric's Hollow. I tore through a graveyard, through hedges and raced towards the house, stopping only when it came full into view, because – I saw it and already I knew – but he promised to -
In another life I was standing at a doorway and I knew where it would lead – I pushed it open -
She's… in there. I didn't cry because it couldn't be real. It was all happening too fast. I wasn't running anymore – I was walking because it wasn't real I was… I felt my feet upon the ground and I began to feel fear. When I reached the front door to the house, and saw it already open I felt more fear than I ever thought possible.
This was a dream – it had to be. Through the darkness all sound stopped – all but for one sound and it was all I could hear.
Outside the tower, the rain and wind were roaring, but I made no distinction for the sound was only that of
Of… and I was walking toward the sound because I knew, that if I could hear him crying – then something had gone wrong. I was shaking all over – one misstep and I would break it – but if I were to hesitate and not reach them in time – but he promised to -
I entered the house. I took one step onto the stairs and stopped dead. I looked down upon his bare feet and he stared up at me – limp and lifeless. All the times he had punched me as a child had not prepared me for the blow to my ribcage – nearly knocking me backwards and forcing me from the stairs.
James…
I – never wanted… I hated you – never in the darkest depths of my fury did I ever wish –
It was all I could do to keep my footing so as to avoid the desecration of his lifeless body as it lay -blocking my way up the stairs –
…those flashes of vision were real and not nightmares…
I was tripping up stairs, there were more of them – far more and I was running up the spiraling stairs in this life though I still – stepping gingerly as I reached the hallway.
But he lives – if he can cry – then the child lives! But something is wrong – is – he still here! Can I still stop him somehow and save her and the child?
My fear – my sickness told me otherwise. But he promised to -
I pushed open the door – the assault of frigid wind and searing cold rain tearing at my body -
I felt nothing. I felt only - because I pushed open the door to the room at the end of the hallway and -
The life left my body. There was no life left anywhere in the world and I was falling. I hit the ground hard but I was still falling… I would fall forever beyond the deepest places of this world, lost forever in the blackness of the void.
My eyes had not yet looked away, but I still… everything was spinning. The whole world was falling and spinning all around me in a terrible nightmare. This couldn't be happening – but it felt more real than anything I had ever experienced. The reality, the vision I could not escape -
She was dead.
I couldn't breathe. I was going to faint - only I couldn't. I could not escape the excruciating truth – the constant realization repeating with every rotation of the space… She's dead – he killed her.
Dead. She lay lifeless on the floor before me. Her eyes. I couldn't bear the sight. The most vibrant apple green eyes whose light never failed to send warmth throughout my body and soul when she looked at me. Her eyes... Vacant. They stared lifelessly into the empty spaces – two gemstones who's light had been stolen.
The light that I had destroyed… Gone - for there was no light left anywhere on Earth, in Heaven or in Hell. The darkness – and I was falling forever.
I reached out to her to break my fall but instead I slid the rest of the way down the wall - collapsing onto the carpet. Still I did not take my eyes from her where she lay just feet from me on the floor. My best friend, she's only a girl – a child who ran full of joy through the field to me. She was dead - but she couldn't be! We're best friends and we're in the playground and she is flying from swings and tree limbs like a dove! She cannot be dead or even harmed – she is magical - nothing can hurt her. She is flying - her red hair is caught in the sky - lit by the sun as if she herself is the sun. Spring, warmth, grass and flowers... Her laughter… how the whole room was on fire with her warmth and her spirit when she laughed…
But that spirit had gone from this world.
Lily-
I called out to her again and again – but her voice was gone. She would never answer me. She would never speak again. I would never hear her voice or her laughter – ever again!
I screamed and cried incoherently.
What have I done? Lily… What have I done to you! My love. My angel - what have I done to you? All I could feel was the void - the excruciating ache in my chest where my heart had once been. Lily. I crawled to her – as I crawled across the rain soaked stones.
The howling wind - His cries…
Lily – My poor Lily. She seemed so cold. Was she hurt? I knelt above her, looking down at her face as I tried so hard to comprehend… I couldn't take it all in. I tried to move, but I couldn't. My body had become as frozen as her eyes and I felt a terrible urge to reach out to her - but something seized me within for no matter how hard I tried I could not do it. To touch her would break the spell that suspended us in the moment that might not have been real – though I knew all to well that it was. I feared so to feel her skin. One touch would confirm it… If I were to just look upon her, if I did not touch her… she might only be stunned.
At that I lost it. I was burning – I loved her too much. I couldn't bear the thought of her cold, injured or in pain. If she had been stunned – I had to help her! With trembling hands I reached out to stroke her hair. The instant I touched her - my stomach dropped and I pulled back my hand screaming.
It was her! It was Lily - but she was dead. She felt dead. Her hair, it was soft and felt just as it always had but her skin – it was so cold… Tears poured from my face as I bent towards her. What have I done... I wrapped my arms around her lifeless limbs and lifted her close to my chest. I had to hold her – I couldn't bear the pain – not mine – and not hers… I held her in my arms, but I couldn't feel her. I felt nothing but the searing pain of what I'd done!
Why did I ever leave you!
My cries matched his. We were two lost children and we were both screaming in agony for her. Two lost children, but I was no innocent child. I was the demon who'd done it. Every scream that escaped him rang in my head tore and down my spine - shattering me from within.
I crushed my eyes and tried to shut out the sound and the guilt… I held her tighter. I buried my face in her hair. My arms and my chest ached from within as I cradled her in my arms – I couldn't let go.
I knew what I was doing was wrong - I knew it but I couldn't let go. What else was there left in the world but her cold, lifeless body in my arms?
The baby. He was crying for her but she would never reach out to comfort him again. It was tearing me apart. I knew how horrible it was for me to hold her – for me not look to the child… But how could I dare touch him with my tainted hands! I was the monster who had killed his mother! I was the monster who desecrated her body before him while he cried for her to help him! I didn't dare touch that child. I was sick with myself for even thinking such a thing.
I held her with all the strength that I had. My own body was growing cold and rigid, as if rigor mortis was to soon take me over as it had her. I wish that it had taken me - but I heard them. The voices outside – voices I had heard in another life...
It was over.
The world was over. The angels had come to claim her. They had come to take her to Heaven - away from me. They would take her away to where I could no longer harm her – to a place where I could no longer hold her - hear her laughter or see the light in her eyes, and I knew what I had to do.
I had to let her go.
I laid her as gently as I could onto the floor. I brushed her hair back form her face and folded her hands over her chest. I knelt to kiss her forehead, and I could barely do it for how hard as I was crying. I stroked her face again to remove my tainted tears from her cheeks. I took one last look at what I had always known to be the most beautiful sight in all the world. The last peaceful moment… The final graceful vision I will ever see for what remains of the rest of my life, for I knew I would never see again – anything. I placed my hand over her eyes, and closed them forever.
I choked on my tears as I closed my own eyes. I couldn't bear to look upon the image any longer – I had to run.
I backed away, my hands fumbling frantically behind me for the door –
You'll be all right little one. They will come for you and take you away from me – no more monsters will come for you, for I will be gone. I will never be able to harm you again – for I will be dead.
I ran from the room and down the hallway to flee the house. I had to kill myself – for I will never harm anyone else ever again.
I reached the top of the stairs and staggered back as I heard the sound of the voices again. The recognition of them flashed before me – Hagrid – Black. Sirius - oh dear God that it would be you to see first what I have done… I gripped the banister with off of my might as it hit me – he was right about me. All of the terrible, evil things he ever accused me of – and just as I tripped down two more steps – I nearly fell over James! Oh God James. I covered my mouth to keep from screaming as I stepped over his body once more. What have I done to you! I tore through the house and pushed open the back door just as I heard him crash through the front door –
I didn't want to hear his cries as he looked upon his best friend lying dead upon the stairs. I didn't want to hear Sirius cry, but I did…
Through the garden, out past the wall and into the darkness of the trees beyond - I Disapparated. There was still one last thing I had to do before I destroyed myself. Dumbledore!
You failed them – you were supposed to keep them safe!
But he wasn't in his office or the Staff Room earlier. He was gone. And I wasn't in the woods, I wasn't in the office and I wasn't in The Staff Room. I was standing in the pouring rain on the roof of the castle.
The wind and rain tore at my hair and the thin fabric of the gray bedclothes. Within seconds they were soaked through to my skin. My bare feet were slipping on the wet stones as I made my way… I clung to an eve as the violent gust of wind threatened to pull me away from the ledge before I could make it to the edge.
The rain – the wind - the baby crying for his mother – it was all my fault. I was not going to fail him again.
I let go.
I let the arms of the wind and the storm take me. I was falling – I closed my eyes, the darkness and I –
"Aresto Momentum!"
I wasn't going to fail him.
Harry. His image had flashed before my eyes – his life, not mine – and I stopped myself. I stopped myself from falling at that last second because of him. He needs me. I finally understood – I have to be the one. I have to - because I - care. I do still have a heart and I do still care – about him.
I will always love her. Nothing will ever change that. And yes, I will always harbor an intense hatred of James, but I am not so heartless… the baby. I can't quite explain it – but I feel so tied to the boy. I will not fail him.
I released my self from the lock of the spell. Five feet still separated my body from the ground below. The impact wasn't nearly hard as it would have been on any other day, for all the rain had softened the earth… just as the water in Slytherin will heal me – the water collected from the rain had protected me. I only really hurt my hands and one of my knees.
I was shaking like a leaf when I first tried to stand. I was scared, all I could think about was how lucky I was to be alive. What had I almost done?
I walked cautiously back to my room. I felt so fragile, as if one mistake would cause my body to break. I had to stay alive. I had to make it back to my room because Rodolphus was wrong, Crouch is wrong – they all have it wrong. There's still a war to fight - they just don't know it. Even Dumbledore can't see. I have to be the one to do this. While they fight – I will only pretend to take up arms and go through the motions - for I will be completely devoted to keeping him safe. I will find some way…
I knew at least what I had to do first when I got back to my room. Heat. I had to light a fire or I would surely go into shock. I will have to take care of myself if I am to care for him. I understood this the night before I began teaching – but I'd forgotten in the wake of everything that has happened since. I will not forget again.
And that's it – as awful as it was to have remembered all that which I fought so hard to forget – now I know. I will never forget – and now there is nothing to fear. My worst fears have been already been realized. I have nothing to lose. My only fear now is that I will fail him. If I have learned anything from the horrible shameful thing that I nearly did – it is that I do still care. I want to live. I want to do this – with all of my heart.
It is nearly dawn. The rain has already lessoned, and soon enough the sun will return. It does not matter that I have not slept, or that I nearly killed myself just a few hours ago… After all – when I was a student, I frequently attended classes after many long drunken nights - is this really any different? Of course it is, but for now I will have to tell myself that it isn't... I have to be strong and teach my classes.
For too long I have lived in the shadows hiding behind a wall of my own apathy. I was blind for too long. No longer will I stand by and let things happen. I have to learn to see beyond my own suffering.
I will not play dead in my crawl space any longer.
But there's more to it still – for I am sitting here still soaked in the clothes Madame Pomfrey gave me. Only now, in the face of what I nearly do I fully understand it…
I cannot do this alone.
If I am going to do this, I am going to need to trust someone – even if I never fully act upon it. I can never truly confide in anyone, but still I need to believe in something other than myself. I cannot do this alone. It was Hubristic to believe that I could. How I reacted to everything last night is proof of this…
To have gotten so upset even on that night was wrong - Madame Pomfrey was only trying to help. I will try with all of my heart to trust her, McGonagall and even Sprout. I liked them when I was a student. Have I not spent all this time cursing myself for what I did to Tisiphone? I too late to see her or Horace for who they truly were, but it is not too late for McGonagall, Sprout and Madame Pomfrey.
It is not too late for Harry. He is alive. An entire generation of students will soon wake up and walk through the halls of this castle... It's not too late for them. There is still hope. There will always be hope. I'm going to clean myself up now and join everyone in The Great Hall.
I can do this…
~Friday 26 November – Noon The Potions Class Room
They have left, my students. I managed to teach them, and in return, they did well in their lessons. I was tired, but I was otherwise calm and focused throughout the day.
I made it a point to look for Swanhilde this morning in the Great Hall. She sat with a group of girls smiling and laughing. She was fine. As I watched her, I realized something. For her to be attacked in such a way, she must have had a reason and the will to stand up to the others. She is stronger than I had given her first credit for.
So that is six people then. Professor McGonagall, Professor Sprout, Madame Pomfrey, Andre, Elisa and Swanhilde. I am not alone.
While I taught today I did my best to learn the names of my students. I still don't know how many of them are rebelling behind my back, but for now I am not concerned. Andre and Elisa will look after the other students for the time being. I am not worried, for they are far more equipped to do so than I.
Perhaps there will come a day when I can care for the students, as do they – and I can strive for that, but at the moment I need to focus on maintaining my own sanity. It is selfish, but I must consider the long run – and what is best for him. I'm not ready to take on a sea of students. I know so little of what it takes to look after others. After what my father did to me as a child – what the students did to me in school and the horrors I have seen as an adult - it will be some time before I learn to live –
- But I swear to you Harry, I will learn how to live and keep you safe. I will not fail you.
And there it is. The day is nearly done… Being that it is Friday, I will have to meet with Dumbledore as promised. I am not afraid. I am almost glad to be seeing him tonight after last night. And though it will likely be very difficult for me, I am going to have to try and trust him somewhat as well…