~Friday 26 November – My Room Night.

Just back from Dumbledore's Office. It could have been far worse. An unexpected topic of conversation, but all things considered, that was not nearly as upsetting it normally is…

I waited until some time after dinner, and then I ascended the stairs to his office. Less than twenty four hours ago, I raced up those stairs consumed by madness. It felt as if that had happened weeks ago as I walked slowly up to the landing tonight. I reached the door.

"There you are Severus," Dumbledore said glancing up from his papers as I entered the room. "I was beginning to think you were going to miss our weekly meeting."

"I had no intention of missing it," I told him. I tried hard to discern the meaning behind his words, for there was something in his voice… something to his concern that I might not have appeared before him tonight that unnerved me.

"Well I'm glad to hear that," in the midst of his sentence, Dumbledore had been distracted by something in the piles of parchment strewn about his desk. He began reading again, seeming deeply entranced by whatever it was.

At was at first unsure of the protocol for what was to be our weekly meeting. He had made no invitation for me to sit down as he normally would, so I remained upright, standing just behind the empty set of chairs.

"Please forgive me," he said after a few moments of silence. He stacked a few of the lose pages then pushed them aside. "I'm afraid I have once again, been far too preoccupied by Ministry business this week. Please, sit down."

I did. Again Ministry business. So much has happened to our world. I kept thinking this as I observed the staggering number of documents and books placed upon his desk. So much has been put upon him, and he has been called away nearly every day since… it happened. I have been so upset and wanting him to help me, but I am only one person in a vast community of people who need him.

The Ministry is incompetent at best. Their only answer to the troubles of these dark days has been a series of show trials and a traumatic publication in The Daily Prophet. Finally, sitting in his office, I understood - its Dumbledore. He is the one who has held everything together. The weight of the Wizarding World has been placed upon his shoulders alone, and I have expected too much from him for myself.

Is there anything I can do to help is what I should have asked him, for I finally felt terrible for my lack of action, both in the past and in the present. All I managed was, "Sir, is there anything you need from me in particular on this night?"

He folded his hands over his desk and smiled at me, "As a matter of fact Severus, I thought we might discuss the issues of the post and your payment."

"Payment?" What? "You mean to pay me?" I had never even considered such a thing.

"Yes, of course! I've already had your first payment transferred to your vault at Gringotts." he was laughing again "Certainly, I mean to pay you as I do all of the other professors."

"But I am not like all of the other professors -" I'd done it. I'd made reference to the circumstances surrounding my appointment and in doing so I'd broken the fragile balance of what had otherwise been a peaceful conversation.

Dumbledore's expression changed instantly. He wasn't angry, but he had stopped laughing and had suddenly become deadly serious. "You are exactly like all of the other professors and must appear that way Severus. However, with respect to your payment, I must insist that you first clear with me, any purchases you intend to make."

"Sir," I interrupted, though I had spoken in surprise and not anger.

"In addition," he said to cut me off, "I will also be inspecting any mail which you receive or send. And when you do leave this school, you will do so with a chaperone. Either I myself, or someone of my choosing will accompany you. Do I make myself clear?"

At first I was speechless. "And what exactly is it that you believe I will do? Do you think I will be tempted to buy materials to be used for the Dark Arts – is that it? Do you trust me so little that you would even read my letters!?"

"Severus, it's not that I don't trust you," he began slowly, "The fact of the matter is, that at this time, I don't feel your judgment can be trusted."

I had been deeply hurt by his words, "How can you say that?" I pleaded with him, "Is that not the same thing?"

He looked straight at me, "Were you not on the Astronomy Tower last night with the intention of taking your own life?"

I was speechless. Fumbling for words I finally managed, "You knew… you knew – how could you have known - "

"The portraits, the ghosts…" he said softly, "There are many occupants of this castle, and while I cannot be here at all times to look after you, they are. Severus, I hope you understand just how immensely tragic it would have been if you had succeeded."

I stared passed him, nodding just slightly for I was far too consumed by guilt to do anymore than that.

He rose from his desk and walked out from behind it, "Severus, as I have said to you before, that is no way to honor her memory nor is it any way to atone for what you have done." He crossed the room to the chair where I sat and stood beside me. "You stopped yourself," he said. And he was kneeling. He was actually kneeling beside me.

"Severus," he said placing his hand on mine, "You stopped yourself, and that – not the act, is what you must always remember. Do you understand me?"

"Yes." I managed.

"Good," he said, "Now what was it? What was it that made you stop? You don't have to tell me. You have only to remember for your own sake, what it was that kept you from destroying yourself last night. Do you know what it was?"

"Yes."

"Then I want you to hold on to that." And he stood up, "You made a promise Severus. I understand this is a difficult time for you. But now the time has come for you to be strong. Now matter how powerful the temptation may be, you must not choose to take the easy way out. I trust you Severus, I trust your deepest intentions, but it's going to be a while before I allow you free reign. I will be keeping a very close watch over you for the time being. Can we agree to this?"

What could I say to that? How could I argue with him after all I had done, "Yes," I said.

"I'm glad to hear that," he said walking back to his desk, then he turned back and said, "And Severus, if you ever find yourself in such a state again, I must ask that you come to me or at the very least find some one else in whom you can confide."

"I will," I told him - even thought I had already come to that conclusion earlier today. Somehow it did make me feel better to know that he cared - even if it was for the sake of the mission. I had no choice but to accept all of the forced surveillance. I detest it, but at the very least it means that I will not be entirely alone... I think now that I want more than anything to not be alone. So I agreed - to everything.

We said no more after that and he allowed me to leave. So now I am back in my room, and looking back upon our meeting I realized – it really was an upsetting meeting. I just tried very hard not to let it upset me.

I think I will read for a little while. Already I can see from the cover of The Prophet that Rookwood was convicted. I think I won't be able to read much more that the first page. I am so tired. It's been a very long set of days…

~Saturday 27 November – My Room Night, the sky is clear.

I slept like the dead. When I woke up this morning I was still wearing the pajamas Madame Pomfrey had given me and it occurred to me – I never even thanked her. To make matters worse, there was tear just over the knee. I don't know if it was from the fall itself or from my many collisions with the walls on the way up to the roof of tower - but it upset me. I suddenly realized how much they meant to me – they had been a gift. It has been years since anyone had given anything to me…. so I made it a point to repair them.

Then I looked to the box in which they had come. It was still lying on the floor of my room where I'd left the thing. I'd never even bothered to read it - but as I picked up the box and saw it, I remembered the note.

"Severus,

I know it isn't much, but I wanted you to have these. Please understand, that while I may often turn a blind eye and pretend not to notice things for the sake of keeping peace… that this does not mean that I do not see things. It certainly does not mean that I do not care. If you ever need anything, even just to talk, I will be here.

-Poppy"

I sank to my knees and nearly cried. It was the kindest thing anyone has said to me since I can remember.

After that I immediately cleaned myself up and went straight to The Hospital Wing. I had no idea what I was going to say to her, but I had to say something. After all, I promised myself I would look to her for hope. Dumbledore had even asked me to do such things and I knew for once he was right.

When I reached the door, still uncertain of what to say. When I entered the room however, I found only Claudia - the Healer who had been with her on that night. I froze for a moment, but she simply smiled at me and nodded.

"Pardon my intrusion," I said to her, for she had clearly been busy, carrying a large bundle of clean bandages across the room, "Is Madame Pomfrey here?"

"Yes, she is still here. She is finishing up some paper work in her office, just over there," she pointed towards the half open glass doors and smiled at me again before she went back about her business. I was so grateful to her for not bringing up my behavior on that night.

I was about to knock on the office doors, but Madame Pomfrey saw me first. "Hello Severus. Is everything all right?" She was smiling when she said this, despite the amount of paper work she had been practically buried in. The piles of parchment on her desk were almost as large as those on Dumbledore's. In all my years as a student I had never once considered the fact that she would have had so much clerical work to do after she'd patched us up.

I had been staring for too long as I realized once again just how naïve I had been. As a result of this my response was delayed, "Yes, I wanted to thank you," I practically stammered, "-for giving me the pajamas, and - to apologize. I should have come sooner, but I – yesterday, the whole week I - "

"Oh you don't have to apologize!" She cut me off. Either she knew, or like everyone else she was trying to avoid the subject we all wished so desperately not to speak out loud. "I understand, its been… a long set of weeks for everyone. In fact I should be apologizing to you, I had meant to send you those much earlier but it completely slipped my mind what with all that's been going on. I'm so sorry! And of course when I saw you so upset yesterday I – well, again I apologize. Are you feeling better now? I was worried about you?"

"Oh, yes I…" So many times had I stumbled over my words in one conversation, and yet for once I felt at ease to do so. It seemed as if with her I did not have to perform. "I was just concerned after what had happened to Swanhilde."

"Of course you were, but she was fine. Just a nasty prank by some bratty boy, or so she told me... But she was very brave while she was here - no tears. I had her fixed up in no time. You've no need to worry after her now. But how are you? It must be tough, taking over in the middle of the term - especially at your age. I certainly don't envy you!"

"It's…" I struggled for what to say to her. I couldn't trust her to tell her the truth, I swore I would never fully confided in anyone, but I needed - at the very least to talk to someone. "…It's been a very long two weeks."

She laughed. I smiled - after all it was almost funny. "Well," she said, still laughing a little, "I remember my first day as a Healer. I wasn't much older than you are now, but I can recall it as clear as day. I was shaking like a leaf! Do you know Severus, I fainted three times on my first day alone!"

Her!? I could never have pictured it. Nothing ever rattles her. She was always so sharp witted and completely in control no matter what horrific thing had happened – but there she was letting her guard down, laughing and sharing stories with me.

"Well, I came very close several times, but…I haven't fainted yet." Though I'd spoke the truth, I answered her in sarcastic tones. We were both laughing. Not a lot, but still it felt amazing, because I can't really remember the last time I really laughed. For all I know it's been years. It was sort of like a release, almost like crying, but in a way better.

"So are you headed straight to the match from here?" she asked, and suddenly I was completely lost.

"What match?" I had no clue what she'd meant for a moment, but finally the lights turned back on. "You mean there's a Quidditch Match today? I hadn't planned on going - "

"Severus! It's your House I should hope you would be going!" She was smiling but all I could think was great – now she will think me completely mental.

"I honestly had no idea there was even a match today," I confessed.

She sighed, and her joy vanished as it so frequently does from people these days. "Well, that's right, it wasn't supposed to be held today. And you wouldn't have known because you hadn't begun teaching yet. As you know, the Gryffindor and Slytherin Quidditch Match is typically held the first weekend of November but, this year… it was postponed"

"Oh," there was nothing more to say then. We both knew the time had come to quickly change the subject - so I did it, "Are you going straight to the match from here?"

"Yes, I had planned on skipping breakfast in the Great Hall to finish some work here. I did make some tea, would you like some?" She asked me this but was already upon her feet and on her way to bring me tea.

I thanked her - then she suggested that I stay and chat with her a while, afterwards we would both leave for the match together. I was so taken aback by this. I was tempted to say no - for what could I possibly say to her in conversation. And yet I could not possibly refuse such a kind offer. There was nothing to fear I told myself, so I just did it... I sat with her, had tea, and we talked.

It was actually quite nice - and also very intense, for I am not accustomed to so much conversation… not anymore. We spoke of minor things – nothing traumatic, just the change of seasons and the house cup victories since I had left school… two Gryffindor victories and one Ravenclaw.

After an hour we left for the match together, and when we arrived at The Pitch she suggested that I sit beside her. I was really glad to have someone to sit with. Had I come alone I would certainly have remained that way, and would have felt very awkward if I had been forced to find a place to sit on my own. I wondered if I would have even thought to sit in the stands with the professors, or if I would have simply remained with the students in the Slytherin stands.

After a few moments Professor O'Malley and a man I had never seen before joined us in the stands. She introduced herself to me, as we had never been properly introduced. Then she presented the man at her side and explained that he was her husband Daniel. He was visiting her for the weekend. She told me that he had made it a point to visit her on the weekend of the match. They had both been players on the Gryffindor team when they were in school. This is how they had met and fallen in love.

They seemed fairly young, either in their late twenties or early thirties. I suspected the latter for I don't really recall having seen either of them while I was in school. I also couldn't help but notice the scars and burn marks that ran down the side of Daniel O'Malley's face and onto his neck. Madame Pomfrey later explained to me that he was an Auror, her exact words were, and "He was attacked by a man called Mulciber."

I don't know if she had meant the father or the son, but she worded her statement as if she had not known of our former friendship - which of course she had known. Everyone knew. It was an awkward moment, and yet the conversation was far less awkward than it would have been if she had brought up our past connection. Its true what she had said in her note – she does hold her tongue to keep the peace.

It was the same way when we were in school. I can remember waking up in the Hospital Wing in my seventh year. I was so sick and exhausted - drunk and stoned off of God knows what… Its funny, at the time, I though I was sick from the effects of Tisiphone's venom. I was such a mess. I honestly believed that she was out to get me for some reason. I was such an idiot. To think on it now, I doubt her venom had any effect at all.

Either way, I was in violation of countless school rules, and yet Madame Pomfrey asked very few questions of me. She was no fool, she knew alcohol and other contraband substances had been involved, but she just patched me up and let me go. I didn't appreciate this at the time. I won't make that mistake again. What she had written to me – she meant it. She really does care.

As we sat watching the match she was cheerful - not overly enthusiastic but she was enjoying herself. McGonagall on the other hand was reserved for the first half of the match, but by the end - she was almost as rowdy as the students! I knew she had once played Quidditch, but I had never seen that side of her! It was downright shocking. Everyone just laughed, "She's always like this!" Madame Pomfrey explained. Was she really?

Of course I was the least spirited of everyone... I never cared about Quidditch. I was always so upset by his actions on The Pitch, but this time - I kept experiencing pangs at the thought of his absence. I could feel the panic creeping up from deep within me, but I kept turning around to watch McGonagall shout, or simply left looking to Madame Pomfrey. It helped.

I looked out over The Pitch, but I didn't see any players that I recognized. The Slytherin team seemed to be made up of six and seventh year students – all male with one female seeker. I thought this strange, because I clearly recalled a young Seeker who should still have been on the team. Vrennon Stanhope had been regarded as a prodigy when I was in my seventh year. He was a second year - one couldn't forget that fact for that was all anyone talked about in the Common Room. "Vrennon Stanhope, the unbelievably gifted second year Seeker who could catch a Snitch blindfolded," that's what they all used to say - so where was he?

They needed him - they needed something. The team was dreadful. They were aggressive and forceful, but this they did with no purpose. They had no sense at all of what they were doing. The Seeker was doing a terrible job. Several times the Snitch passed right by her but she barely even took notice.

And what in God's name were the Beater's doing? They kept going after the other team's Beaters leaving the Seeker completely vulnerable to attack – even I know you would never do that. I mean, she was a girl – you would think that at least for Chivalry's sake they could have looked after her! It was appalling. No wonder she could never see the Snitch – she was so busy looking out for her own safely. What were those boys thinking?! If you're going to play dirty – at least do it for a reason. Knock the Chaser bearing the Quaffle off his broom - not the other teams Beaters who were not even near enough the Chasers to pose a threat…

Needless to say, Slytherin lost. I'm used to the disappointment and yet, I was so grateful for the distraction. I think I needed that match more than I realized – we all did.

I spent the rest of the afternoon walking about the woods. I came back to my room a while ago. I had intended to repair the rip in my pajamas, but after I thought on it - I decided to fix it with out magic. I sewed it by hand, so that I could still see the tear.

I did this so that I would never forget what I had almost done. I did it so that I would never do anything so foolish ever again. With each stitch I thought about Madame Pomfrey's written words and what McGonagall's had said to me regarding hope. I thought about Andre, Elisa and Swanhilde and how brave they had all been. I thought about Dumbledore, how he had behaved towards me last night, and about what he had said… about the reason I had stopped myself. Harry.

That's it, isn't it? I am the tear, and the stitches are all those in this castle who are holding me together - fragile as I am - pulled back together as a series of stitches so that I will be strong enough to do what I must? I don't know…

I am going to read for a while after I've taken a very, very long bath.

~Sunday 27 November – My Room Evening

I've just gotten back from The Great Hall, and though it has only been dark for a few short hours, I think I will go to sleep very soon.

Today, for the first time in ages I can say that absolutely nothing happened. I am so grateful for it. No nightmares, memories or tragedies… no Slytherin Rebellions, and nothing terrible in The Prophet either. Today I was free to read and go for walks about the woods. It was colder today, and I have no coat that is fit to be worn around here. The one I had worn the past few years, well - not only is it ragged but it brings back too many bad memories.

I am content enough with the clothes Tisiphone Torchwood and Madame Pomfrey gave me. I'll stay in doors when it gets too cold, I can manage until about January. By then, Dumbledore will surely allow me to buy a warm coat, so I can begin to save up for that.

Tomorrow begins another week. I want to be well rested this time… Right, I'm going to sleep.

~Monday 28 November – Evening sky full of stars.

When I woke up this morning, I remembered – there is still one last thing to worry after. Avery's trial is scheduled for tomorrow. That meant I had to be extra focused today.

I had almost completed my first class when I found myself considering it. My free period. I was nervous, and yet I knew I had to try.

The class left the dungeons and I with them. I went to The Staff Room. I crept through the doorway, making as little noise as I could. Professor McGonagall sat alone grading papers. All the while the most beautiful music was playing on a nearby turntable. A woman sang such a haunting melody in the Italian tongue. I didn't want to talk over it. But, I really wanted to try… I took a few steps closer as quietly as I could – but she heard me and looked up from the exams she'd been reading.

"Oh it's you, I didn't the door. Come in, have a seat… don't mind me," she had already turned back around. So many papers to grade, perhaps I should be giving homework I thought. I looked around the room. I still had no idea what to say. I began to regret my decision. She is kind, but she still doesn't fully trust me - of that I am absolutely certain. I was about to leave, but I couldn't. The music was too captivating. Finally I no longer cared to speak with her, I just had to know…

"What are you listening to?" I asked her.

She barely even looked up at me. "An opera Severus."

I wasn't even hurt by her shortness - for my need to understand the song had grown so strong, "What is it about?

"A lot," she said in a huff. Had she said that because she didn't trust me, or because she thinks me an ignorant student who wouldn't understand?

"What is its name?" I pressed her.

She sighed and said, "Lucia di Lammemoor. I wouldn't expect you to understand my love for it. All those your age and your ignorance of Muggle music."

So it was the latter. Ignorance of Muggle music. If only she knew my love of Muggle music and my feelings over people who don't know…. So I asked her, "Are you more partial to Maria Callas, or Joan Sutherland?"

She literally dropped her papers onto the table as she looked at me – completely speechless.

"I may not have listened to it," I explained, "But I am not completely ignorant of the thing. I have read about operas, I just haven't had a chance to attend one or even hear the records."

She was still trying to process the fact that I actually knew what she was talking about, and I couldn't help but smile. "Severus I, I'm sorry." She shook her head, but didn't take her eyes from me. "Lucia di Lammemoor has been a favorite of mine for years. I was drawn to it of course because of the setting - "

"Scotland."

"Yes. But I find that it has the most beautiful music and I-" She stopped and looked at me for a moment, "Severus, would you like to borrow my records?"

"Perhaps," I hesitated for a moment because it felt wrong - but it was such a generous offer – and I did desperately want to listen to them. What was wrong with me? "Yes, thank you. That would be really nice,"

Suddenly that devious grin returned to her face. "I have a recording of both singers. You will have to let me know whom you prefer. From that we can determine the future of our friendship."

I couldn't help smiling again. "So that's how it's going to be is it?"

"That's how it's going to be," she grinned, cast the hover charms and handed me the records. "You may keep them as long as you like. I have other copies."

I took them, thanked her again and that's when it happened, because I didn't just say thank you, I said, "Thank you, Minerva,"

I called her Minerva. I hadn't meant to, I just… said it. It felt strange and yet, oddly appropriate. She didn't react badly to it. She didn't react to it at all, because to her it was normal.

She just said, "Your welcome Severus." And that was it.

We spoke further at lunch, nothing serious of course. We still must be cautious and avoid many subjects, but I'm slowly getting used to normal conversation. Pathetic, all the things I find difficult… but at least I am trying.

My afternoon class went well. I even tried to think of assignments to give them. Perhaps I will assign simple things after the holidays. I won't tax them yet. They still have a strong dislike of me and I don't want to upset them any further – particularly when one considers the current state of things.

Now I think I will play one of the records. I'm fairly certain of her preference already of course, but I want to make up my own mind on the matter. If we agree - we can discuss that, and if we disagree - I think it might be a great deal of fun to debate with her.

Oh. Right, Avery. Well, I'll worry about that tomorrow. I think… Maria Callas first – anything to take my mind from the matter…