September 2, 2008

Dear Mom,

I'm a little confused as to what's going on lately. I think everything is going good, but I don't you. You tell me.

So yesterday at the beach, I met up with Nick's brother again. It was different this time. He was a lot less nice to me at first. I mean, he was really rude. He didn't even look at me at first. He acted like I wasn't even there or that he was oblivious.

A few moments after he ignored me, I went down to the beach to just be with Nick and Selena. While I was in the water, some old guy started hitting on me. He whistled at me, followed me through the water and asked me if he could see me naked. I was really creeped out, mom. I really thought he was going to hurt me.

But then, out of nowhere, Joe came out. And he wrapped his arms around me. And he held me tight. And he acted like we were boyfriend and girlfriend long enough to get the old guy away from me. Joe's very, very muscular, I might add. And the old guy backed off right away. When Joe was holding me, I felt safe. I felt like nobody in this world could touch me. And I felt like if the worst serial killer in history was in front of me, trying to kill me, I would be okay because I was in Joe's arms.

But after we got away from the old guy, Joe got sour with me. He kind of yelled at me and told me that he should've let the old guy have his way with me. Then I yelled at him and we got on okay terms. When I finally got annoyed with him and tried to walk away, he pulled me back and tied my bathing suit up really tight. Then he made me agree not to get out of the water without him.

The point of me telling you all this is simple. I think I'm falling for Joe. I'm not sure yet, though. And I know that I still have some feelings for Cody. I don't want to fall for Joe, mom. Joe's way too old and I'm way too young for him. He's in college at Keiser University. It's a community college right down the street from my high school. He works two jobs at the mall and he's nineteen. Uncle Jason already admitted to me that he wouldn't approve of it.

But if this is all true and I do have feelings for Joe, how do I tell Cody? Do I just tell him that I don't want to be with him? Would it make me wrong, because I already kissed him? I just don't know what to do. I could tell Cody goodbye because of my feelings for Joe, but I think it'd be pointless because there's no possible way that I could pursue a relationship with Joe.

Then again, maybe I'm jumping the gun a little bit. I'm just assuming that Joe likes me. He might actually hate me. If he does hate me, it doesn't make much sense to me. I kind of know in my heart that he doesn't like me, but it doesn't make sense as to why he would do all those things to protect me at the beach yesterday.

I don't know much about this situation, but I do know that I want to know more about Joe. I want to keep talking to him. But I don't want to hurt Cody.

I'm just very, very confused right now.

I don't have anything planned for today, plus it's Sunday, so I think I'll just relax. Aunt Kathy's been feeling under the weather lately, so I'm going to help Uncle Jason out with dinner tonight. Aunt Kathy is just having stomach problems, so Uncle Jason says it's the stomach flu. Whatever it is, I hope she keeps it to herself. I don't want to be sick.

I don't really have anything else to say, besides I'm confused. And that's all for today, mom.

Until next time,

Love always,

Demi.

Since Aunt Kathy is sick, me and Uncle Jason have been hanging out a little more. Today is an exception, because he has to work. So at the moment, it's just me and my sick aunt in the house. It's no problem for me, because I don't really care to be bothered. It's Sunday and it's a relax day.

Aunt Kathy lies in her bed and I stay barricaded in my room. I'm glad I don't have to do anything today, because honestly, I want my mind to rest. I'm a little worried about Aunt Kathy, but I try not to think about what could go wrong. After all, mommy just started out as really sick one day.

To help clear my thoughts, I grab the remote to my TV and check the channel listings. I haven't watched TV in a really long time. There isn't much on to watch, so I turn on an episode of Maury. It feels good to just lie here. It's 1:30 in the afternoon and I still haven't been out of bed yet.

This episode of Maury is about teenagers who are whores. One girl has a baby already and she's only fourteen. I could never imagine.

I remember Dallas being pregnant once.

I'm not supposed to say anything, because aside from the baby's father, I'm the ONLY one that knows. But I still think about it from time to time. She was seventeen at the time.

I came home from school one day and she was crying really bad. Like…the kind of crying I've never seen Dallas do. She was in her room, hugging her pillow and crying. I felt really bad, so I came in the room to give her some tissues. I didn't know what else to offer her besides tissues. She took them from me and told me "thank you." I said "you're welcome" and sat down on her bed. She didn't talk much, she just kept crying. So finally, I said "What's wrong, Dal?" and she just kept crying. But after a little while, she stopped crying and she told me that she was pregnant. And I asked her if she knew for sure. And she said that she went to the doctor and the doctor told her she was. And she even had a little picture of it. I thought it was kind of cute. She didn't know if it was a boy or girl though. It was too early for that. The picture didn't even look like a baby, but it was.

So I hugged her and let her cry on my shoulder. And she told me that she didn't know what to do. And I told her that she should tell mom and dad so that she could see a real doctor and get good care for the baby. And she agreed with me. But she said that she would only tell mom and dad after she told the baby's dad. So later that week, she told the dad of the baby and he got real pissed off and angry with her. And he told her to abort it.

But Dallas said no. She didn't want to abort the baby. And then the dad was really mad at her and he stopped talking to her. Except for one night when Dallas went over to the guy's house. When she came back, she was all sad and crying again because he told her "I don't want you or the baby." And so for the rest of that week, Dallas cried and cried and cried. I kept telling her to keep the baby and she was really going to.

So one day, I woke up around three in the morning to go pee. But when I went in the bathroom, Dallas was all sick and stuff. Not throwing up, though. She was like… dizzy and nauseous. So I helped her on the toilet. And when she pulled down her underwear, she got her period. I know that it wasn't her period, but that's just what she told my mom and dad it was. She knew it wasn't her period either. That night, Dallas didn't go to sleep.

Real early the next morning, I skipped school to go to the doctor's with her. We had to lie to mom and dad and say that we were going to get breakfast. But we went to the doctor's and the doctor told us that she wasn't pregnant anymore. The doctor said that sometimes, when women go through a lot of stress that can make them miscarry a baby. I have never, ever, to this day, saw Dallas cry as hard as she did in that doctor's office.

We don't talk about that anymore, though. Dallas doesn't like to talk about it. She doesn't even like to think about it. But I know that she misses the baby she never got to know, because for her eighteenth birthday, she got a tattoo of a little angel on her ankle. I'm the only one that knows the significance of that angel. And every year for the day she miscarried the baby, she gets another tiny little star added onto the angel tattoo. She's up to three stars around the angel now. I told her "one day, your whole leg will be covered with stars" and she said "that's okay."

I'm a little emotional now, remembering that story, so I pick up my phone and call her. Meanwhile, I turn off the episode of Maury. It's gotten a little too much for me to handle.

"Hey baby. I was just getting ready to call you." She answers my phone call excitedly. I really, really miss Dallas. She always calls me and Maddie "her babies."

"Hi…"

"What's cooking, good looking? Haven't talked to you in a couple days. What's new?"

"Nothing really. Just been doing some thinking and stuff…"

"Thinking about what, babes?"

"Stuff. There are some things that are new, but I wanted to talk to you about something…"

"Shoot. I'm free for a few minutes." Dallas has a way of making me feel comfortable with whatever I need to talk to her about. I talk to her about literally everything.

"Well… I know we're not supposed to speak of it… but you know how… you…. Had… a baby?"

I hear her take a breath into the phone. She doesn't say anything.

"I'm sorry. But I've been thinking about that…"

She sighs. "And what about it?" Her cheerful tone has certainly deflated.

"…You think that maybe mommy… is up in heaven taking care of it? I know she didn't know about it, but surely she does now, right? And she's taking care of the baby… right?"

She sighs again. "…That's a good way to think about it, Dems… It sure makes me feel better to think about it like that."

"…I was just thinking."

"You think too much. But that's a good thought." She clears her throat and changes the entire tone of her voice. "So what's new?" I can tell that it's not genuine, but she's trying.

"Just boy stuff. I found a new guy." I flop down on my stomach to get comfortable. I have to be comfortable when talking about these things.

"Oooh! What's his name?!"

"THEIR names…"

"DEMI! MORE THAN ONE?!"

"Technically… look. One's name is Cody. He's in all my classes and Dal, he's SO CUTE. He's all light-skinned and he has green eyes. He's HOT." I'm blushing while talking about Cody.

"Okay, okay. So Cody. And?"

"The other one's name is Joe. He's hot too, Dal. But he's SO sweet. Like… he cares about me. I think."

"Okay, so it sounds like maybe you should go for Joe?"

"…He's nineteen." I mutter.

"….THAT'S RAPE! IN ALL FIFTY STATES, THAT'S RAPE!"

"Dallas, I know. I KNOW. But I can't help it. He's so fucking sexy, Dal. Like… he has muscles and dark hair and dark eyes and HE'S JUST SO CUTE. And he's so sweet. Like… Dal, he pretended to be my boyfriend just so some weird guy wouldn't hit on me."

"…..Dems, he's too old, honey."

"I know… but Dal…I'm not even thinking about his age. Age doesn't matter to me… it really doesn't."

"Look. You're my baby sister. If you're happy, so am I. He's older, so just… don't let him like… pressure you into anything."

"Dallas, he doesn't even look at me that way. And besides… I don't even think he likes me."

"Then why—"

I interrupt her. "Because I really like him. Like… I just wanna be around him."

"And Cody?"

"I don't really even care about him whenever Joe's around. But when Joe isn't around, it's all about Cody. What do I do?"

"….I say go for Cody. He's your age and he's probably your best option. But if you really like Joe… don't lead Cody on."

"Yeah… but like… I have a chance with Cody. I don't have a chance with Joe. Joe's too old and he thinks I'm too young."

"I think you should get to know them both better."

"I agree with you, Dal. I do…"

She sighs again. "Look, babes. I gotta go. I have class in fifteen minutes…"

"Okay… I love you."

"I love you too. I'll call you tomorrow after you get out of school. We can talk more about your boy problems. I miss you."

"I miss you too."

"…Hang in there, kid. I love you. Talk to you tomorrow."

"Bye Dal."

She hangs up on me and I feel wholesome. I love talking to Dallas so much. I know I say that every time, but every time I talk to her, I realize that I miss her that much more. I click off my phone and put it back on the charger. But I notice that I have a missed call. I have a missed call from Selena.

I sigh and redial her number to call her back.

"DEMI!" She screams when she answers. I want to slap her for screaming in my ear.

"What, Selena!?"

"I have news!"

"Um… okay. I'll listen. What's the news?" I sit up off my stomach on my bed.

"Guess who I was talking to earlier!"

"Who?" I reach over on my dresser and grab the bag of Doritos I ate for a snack last night.

"Well, I'm over Nick's right now. And I was talking to Joe. And we were Juuuuust talking about you."

I feel my heart jump up into my throat. Really? But on another side, I don't know why, but it pisses me off that she's over Nick's and didn't ask me to come. I would've LOVED to see Joe today. "Why were y'all talking about me?" I'm blushing so hard right now.

"Well… I brought you up. And I asked him why he wanted you to stay with him yesterday. And he just said that it was because men were staring at you and he felt bad."

"And?" I eat a handful of chips and chew.

"And then Nick asked him if he liked you. And he said hell no."

"…Aw, poop." I poke my lip out.

"But then Nick tested the theory. And he just started talking about Cody. And Nick was talking to me. And he was like "Cody said that he can't wait to fuck Demi." and Joe got REAL mad."

"PAUSE. Did Cody really say that?" I say with my mouthful of chips.

"No. He didn't. Nick just said he did. But anyway, Joe got all pissed and he left the room and Nick said he only acts that way whenever he really likes a girl."

"…Is that it?" I don't want to sound ungrateful, but that's not the news I was hoping for. I wish she told me something more exciting. Like Joe wants to go out or something. THAT would've been news.

"Yeah. But I'm gonna do some investigating further. Nick said he thinks that Joe will ask you out really soon."

"….I hope that's true."

I really do hope that's true.

Wouldn't that be something?

I don't know though. But…

Something's telling me that Cody really did say that.

It's just a feeling, though.