Today's school day is really dragged on. I honestly just wanted to go home and fall asleep. It's strange how all I wanted to do was sleep all day, but when I actually get home, I don't sleep right away.
On the plus side, Cody wasn't in school today, so I didn't have to face the music of seeing him. I know he's still probably waiting on my answer, and honestly, I don't know my answer just yet. I don't think I want to make it official, but I'm seriously just not sure.
"Hey, girlie. What sounds better for dinner tonight? Spaghetti or Chicken Alfredo?" Aunt Kathy asks me. After her recent sickness, she's bounced back to her normal self. I haven't noticed any weight gain, but maybe it's too early to notice that she's pregnant.
"I don't care what you make tonight." I kind of snap at her. I'm not being nice today. I've been in a pretty grumpy mood with everyone today, and I think it stems from the fact that I don't know how to answer the question Cody asked me yesterday.
"What's the matter with you?" Aunt Kathy asks. She takes a frozen pack of chicken from the freezer and puts it in the sink to defrost.
"I don't know..." I sigh. I really didn't want to be so snappy with Aunt Kathy. She isn't the one that's frustrated me.
"If you're having an issue, Demi. You should talk to me about it. It wasn't that long ago that I was your age." She starts the water in the sink.
I take the nearest seat on the barstool at the island. "I'm just not in a good mood today." It's more complicated than just being in a bad mood, but I really just don't feel like explaining. "I'm gonna...go take a nap. Wake me up when dinner's finished." I mutter and hop down off the stool. I stomp up the steps accidentally.
When I'm in a shitty mood, I don't realize when I'm being a bitch. I do realize that I slam my bedroom door behind me, but I don't care. I just want to be left alone.
I know that a little later, after I eat,
I'm not going to feel like writing to my mommy. So I'm just gonna do that now, so I don't have to worry about it later. It sounds crazy, but I always feel super bad if I skip a day of writing to my mom.
I sit down at my desk, grab a purple mechanical pencil and a sheet of lined paper. I take a deep breath and start to write.
September 2, 2008
Dear Mom,
Today was SHITTY. It was better than yesterday, but not by much. I really, really feel like I'm going to slip. I don't want to slip, but I feel like I'm going to.
I still haven't quite figured out how to answer Cody's question. Part of me says "yes ." but the other part of me says "no." I'm not sure which part is my brain and which part is my heart, so I'm going to put it off a little more. I ignored his text message today, but I don't know how long I can keep that up.
Selena noticed that I've been crabby today too, so she basically stopped talking to me for a while. I don't blame her.
I came home and had a piss-poor attitude with Aunt Kathy, too. I feel bad, but sometimes I just can't control my emotions.
I'm afraid to tell Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason how I feel sometimes, because I don't want to go back into the hospital.
Did you ever tell them about that time I stayed in the hospital? I don't think they know, and I'd like to keep it that way. Aunt Kathy is having a baby, and the least thing that she needs to worry about is me and my moods.
Sometimes I look at the scars on my wrist and they taunt me. It's almost like they know about the promise I made you, and they tease me because they know that I really want to cut but I won't because of you.
Usually, the thought of going back into the hospital is enough to scare me out of cutting, but these days, I don't even rule it out anymore. The shots they used to give me in the hospital were the worst part, but I don't even care about that anymore.
It was so easy to promise you that I wouldn't do it anymore. I knew that you needed to hear that before you left. But you never gave me an alternative. Now what am I supposed to do? I just can't deal, mom.
I'm starting to think that medicine isn't that bad. I remember how you and daddy hated the thought of the doctors putting me on medicine, but I'm beginning to believe that it wouldn't have been that terrible. Medicine probably would've made me feel a hell of a lot better than what i do right now.
I'm going to go take a nap now, mom. I need to sleep this bad mood off. I promise I'll keep you updated on how I'm dealing. I'm determined to keep my promise to you, so I really will try not to cut.
But if I do slip, will you please try to understand?
I love you.
Until next time,
Love always,
Demi.
I fold my letter up and stuff it into my metal lock box where I put all of my written letters.
I sweep the tears off my face and get up from my desk. I don't even bother taking off my jeans, my long sleeved plaid top or my tenner shoes. I just flop on my bed and bury my face into my pillow.
Sometimes, it feels better to just cry. And that's what I'm doing. I just let it all out into my pillow and hope that nobody can hear me for as loud as I'm sobbing.
I want to cut so bad. Maybe...just maybe one little slip wouldn't be so bad. Just a little slip...
I pick my wet face up from my pillow and pull the hair that's sticking to the tears off. I look over at my underwear drawer and just stare. The temptation is unbearable. I just need one. Just one little cut. One little slice. One drop of blood that will make me feel...high.
I sniff and swing my legs over the side of my enormous bed.
Just as I start to hop down off my bed to grab the razor blade from my underwear drawer, my phone starts vibrating loud and obnoxiously on my dresser.
I sniff again and grab it. It's Selena.
I collect my thoughts quickly and pull myself together. I slide my finger across the screen and put the phone to my ear.
"Hello?" I whisper into the phone. My attempt at sounding like I wasn't crying is failing miserably.
"Hey... What's up?" Her voice is soft and calm in my ears, almost as if she knows what I was just considering.
"Nothing. Trying to take a nap..." I don't even bother to disguise the tears in my voice.
"Oh. I'm sorry that I called then. You just seemed to have been having a..rotten day. I was wondering if you're okay..."
"I'll be alright...I guess." I sigh.
"...If you're feeling...okay. Do you want to...come get dessert? With me and Nick?"
"Um..." It wouldn't be so bad to get out of the house for a little while. "Sure. I'd like to come. I have to ask though... Hold on." I scare myself again at how quickly I feel okay again.
"Okay, I'll wait."
I hop down off my bed and walk downstairs. The food that my aunt is making smells incredible. I'm so hungry. I hold the phone in my hand, careful that I don't accidentally hang up.
"Aunt Kathy?" I stand in the doorway of the kitchen.
"Yeah girlie?" She's cutting chicken into small cubes.
"...Can I leave out for a little bit? With my friends?" I rock back and forth on my feet. I'm in such a good mood all of a sudden that I can't even believe that I just considered cutting. This isn't normal.
"Where are you gonna go?" Aunt Kathy keeps cutting up chicken.
"Out to get dessert."
"...I don't mind, honey. Be home before 9:30. It's a school night and you still have to eat dinner and do your homework."
"I will be." I turn to leave the kitchen and put the phone back to my ear. "Selena?"
"I'm still here." She says.
"Okay. I'm allowed to go. Where are we going?" I walk back upstairs to my room.
"Nick said something about The Cheesecake Factory, so I think we'll go there."
"How much money should I bring?" I immediately go straight to my closet to find something more comfortable to wear.
"You should probably bring like...$20. The Cheesecake Factory is a little expensive."
"Okay."
"Okie Dokie. We'll be over to pick you up at like...5:00. Is that okay?"
"Yeah, that's fine."
"Okay. See you, Demi."
"See you."
I hang up my phone and plug it back into the charger. I glance at the clock. It's 4:34.
I really have to pee, so I make my way to my bathroom. I pull my pants down and sit on the toilet and release my bladder. While I'm on the toilet, I turn my left hand palm-up and check on my wrist.
There are about a dozen pink little scars searing all across my wrist. Some big, some short, some long, some deeper than others, one vertical and the rest horizontal.
I stop staring at my wrist and wipe myself. I look down and the toilet paper is brilliant red. ...Fucking great.
I sigh hard. I guess the stress is finally over. It was nice going three months without having a period. I reach down in my cabinet under the sink and grab a skinny purple tampon. I stick it inside myself and get up. I check my underwear, and they're still clean.
If I had more time, I'd totally get in the shower right now.
I stand up from the toilet and scrub my hands clean. I pull up my pants, button my jeans and head out of the bathroom.
I don't feel like looking nice anymore, and it's just Nick and Selena, so I take off my plaid shirt and throw on my dark orange Texas Longhorns hoodie. I leave my curly dark brown hair down and head downstairs to wait for Selena and Nick.
"Aunt Kathy..." I walk to the kitchen again. She's stirring a pot of sauce now.
"What, Demi?" She turns around and faces me.
"...I got my period today. So you don't have to...call the doctor back." I grab my purse off the counter where I left it when I got home from school.
"You got it? Are you having cramps? How heavy are you?"
"No cramps. And it's not that heavy either." I shrug.
"Okay. Guess the doctor was right about stress taking it away for a while." She resumes stirring the sauce.
Outside, I hear a loud beep.
"I'm leaving now, Aunt Kath."
"Alright, honey. Have some fun. Grab my purple card off the stand in the hallway. Slide the card as debit, not credit."
"Okay." I grab her card off the stand and head outside.
The car this time is different from Selena's mom's red convertible. This car is dark blue and it's a truck. It's a Ford Escape, I think.
Slowly, I walk down the steps and down the path to where the car is on the street. I'm walking so slowly, because I'm not entirely sure if who I see in the driver's seat is actually who I think it is.
I grab the car handle to the back seat and hop on in, next to Selena.
It is who I thought it was, and my stomach ties in tight knots. I think I might puke.
Selena is sitting next to me in the back seat, Nick is in the passenger's seat, and in the driver's seat is Joe. I haven't seen him since that day at the beach, last Saturday.
I catch myself staring at him intently. His facial features are so perfect. Oh my god...
"Hey Demi." Nick leans back and waves at me. Joe starts driving the car.
"Hey..." I say back to Nick, never breaking my concentration on Joe.
"How you feeling?" Selena whispers to me, leaning over and hugging me tight. I hug her back.
"I feel better." I smile.
"Good." She whispers again and lets me go.
I catch Joe looking at me through the rear view mirror. I look down at the floor of the car and blush.
"Demi, you ever been to The Cheesecake Factory?" Nick asks.
"Mhm. Just once though." I nod. I'm blushing so hard that my face is hot.
Why hasn't Joe said hi to me? I suppose I could say hi first, but I refuse to be the one to break the obvious tension between us.
After about a five minute's drive, we're parked in the parking lot of the restaurant.
Both me and Selena are the first ones out of the car.
"I made Nick bring him." She says to me with a devious smile.
"Thank you." I say with a laugh. I'm really glad that she made him bring Joe. It sounds crazy, but I missed him. I missed him a whole lot.
The boys get out of the truck too and we walk inside. Selena walks beside Nick and I walk beside Selena. Joe walks on the other side of Nick. I think Joe's being mean to me again. I don't mind him being mean. I'm just glad I get to see him.
Nick holds the door for Selena and she walks inside. I follow her inside too, but Joe doesn't hold the door for me.
I don't know if I should talk to him. I don't think he wants to talk to me.
"How big is your party?" A little blonde hostess asks us when we walk into the restaurant.
"Four." Nick answers.
The hostess marks something on a chart and grabs four menus. "Follow me, please."
She walks back through this walkway and we follow her.
She sits us at this booth way in the back, away from all the elderly people that are eating.
"The waitress will be right with you." Blondie says as she puts the menus on the table and walks back up the way we came.
Nick sits down and Selena sits in the seat beside him, forcing me to sit with Joe. I slide in the booth and Joe slides in next to me.
I don't know if I'm starting to get cramps, but my stomach is kind of hurting.
"So are you feeling better than you were in school today?" Nick asks me. He seems like he actually cares.
"Yeah, I do." I say. I nonchalantly flip though the menu. I can tell that Joe is trying hard not to look at me. Am I that ugly?
"Hi guys. I'm Polly and I'll be serving you today. What can I get you to drink?" An older lady with short red hair approaches us.
"I'll take a diet Pepsi." Selena says.
"And I'll have an iced tea." Nick says. Selena gives him a hard look,
as if it's an inside joke between them.
"Unsweetened, please." Nick sighs.
"Um... I want a Pepsi..." I say.
"I'll have a Pepsi too." Joe says.
"Alright, I'll be back with your drinks." Polly leaves us.
Nick turns to Selena. "I could've had a plain iced tea. It wouldn't have hurt anything."
"I'm not taking any chances." Selena says. She kisses Nick on his cheek.
I wonder why it's such a big deal for him to have unsweetened iced tea, but it's not really my business, so I don't ask.
Polly comes back with our drinks and pulls her notepad out again. "Are you ready to order?"
"Yes. I'll take a slice of the chocolate cheesecake." Selena closes her menu.
"I want the strawberry cheesecake." Nick closes his menu too.
"I'll have the blueberry cheesecake, please." I say politely as I shut my menu too.
"I'll take a slice of the peanut butter cheesecake." Joe hands all of our menus to Polly.
"Alright. I'll go out these orders right in." Polly disappears again.
Selena leans over and gives Nick a kiss, which makes it awkward for me and Joe.
I look down and pick at my little black fingernails.
Joe takes a sip of his drink and plays with his phone.
I just keep picking at my fingernails.
Nick and Selena are kissing and they won't stop.
"...So I heard you have a boyfriend..." Joe finally speaks to me after he clears his throat. His tone is not at all skeptical. Instead, it's accusing.
"...I don't. Who...told you that?" I stop picking with my fingers and look up. I shift my attention to him.
"You don't have to lie, Demi. I heard you date that kid that was over our house that one day. I think his name is Robbie." He locks his phone and turns his attention to me too.
"Cody. And I'm not lying. I don't date him..."
"I didn't think he was your type. I never thought you'd date him. He seems... Nasty." He sounds really jealous, though I can't fathom why he would be.
"Why do you care?"
"I don't. I'm just saying. If you're gonna date a nasty ass like him, you should've dated the old guy at the beach."
"I don't date him. He asked me out and I said nothing. How many times do I have to say it? I'm not dating anyone." I roll my eyes. I can't stand to be called a liar when I'm not lying.
"He asked you out and you said no?"
"I didn't say anything."
Joe snickers. "Wow. Playing hard to get?"
"...wouldn't you like to know." I roll my eyes again. He's so fucking frustrating.
"You're conceited. You're not as pretty as you think. And you have a shitty attitude."
"Let's just not. You don't know shit about me. I'm the furthest thing from conceited." I look down and pick with my nails again. "I don't even think I'm that pretty." I mumble.
"All girls are conceited. All girls are bitchy. You're probably one of the bitchiest I've met, though." He turns to me again.
It's weird how talking to Joe, it seems like we're alone. Like nobody else is around.
"...why do you hate me so much? Seriously. You're so fucking mean to me."
"Watch your mouth."
"Who are you? My father?"
He doesn't say anything to that. "...why do you keep insisting that I hate you?"
"I don't insist. I know." I roll my eyes at him again.
"...do you want me to tell you the truth?"
"If it's better than you acting like you absolutely loathe me, sure."
"I don't hate you, Demi. I'm just annoyed by you." He uses his straw to stir his drink.
"Why do I annoy you?" I sip my drink.
"...YOU don't annoy me. I don't know how to explain it. It's just...some things about you annoy me."
"Like what?"
"Nothing."
"Now you're the one lying."
"I can't tell you what annoys me about you. It's mainly one thing that annoys me about you. And then a couple things spiral from that one thing, but that one thing is the root of everything." He reaches over and puts a strand of my hair behind my ear. His tone is so hard with me, but the way he touches me is soft and delicate. Like I'm porcelain and he doesn't want me to break.
"...why can't you tell me what it is? If I know what it is, I could change it." I urge. I completely turn myself to face him.
Joe's laughter booms loudly, but he quickly controls it.
"What's so funny?" I ask.
Just then, Polly comes back with for slices of cheesecake. She gives the plates to their respectful owners and hands us forks. "If you need anything, let me know." She says to us before she disappears again.
I grab my fork and cut into a piece of my cheesecake. Dear god, it's so good. Or maybe I'm just that hungry.
Joe eats a piece of his too. "I was laughing because you can't change what annoys me about you."
I swallow my piece and cut into another. "I could try if you'd just tell me."
"Trust me, Demi. You can't change it." He reaches over to me again and wipes my mouth with his thumb.
"...Why are you suddenly being nice to me?" I eat another piece of my cake.
"...Because it's pointless to try anymore." He takes a bite of his own cake.
"Pointless to try what?"
"Pointless to try and convince myself that I'm not completely infatuated with you."
"...Why do you have to convince yourself?" I sip some Pepsi.
"...I don't want to like you, Demi. I don't want to like you at all."
"Why not?"
"...You're... You're a... You're sixteen."
"...Oh." I put my fork down and sigh.
"So I've been trying to talk myself out of falling for you. By being "mean" to you." He picks up my fork and cuts a piece of my cheesecake. "But I realize it's pointless. So I'm gonna stop trying." He holds the fork close to my mouth.
I lean out and eat the bite he fed to me. "...If I like you... And you like me...why do we pretend to hate each other?"
"You like me?" He sounds surprised to hear that.
I nod. "Very much so. That's why I can't tell Cody yes or no."
"...Well I'm sorry to hear that. We can like each other all day, but we can't be anything more than friends. You're too young for me."
"...Is that what annoys you?"
"Your age, yes." He grabs my hand and holds it.
I nod understandingly. "But you said other things spiral from that."
"They do. Like how pretty you are.
How much I wish I could just protect you..."
"...You really annoy me, Joe."
"You annoy me too, Demi. But not as much as you fascinate me."
I smile at him and he smiles back.
I think tomorrow I'll tell Cody no.