~Sunday 20 December - Almost two in the morning

I think that I can write about the remainder of my night in Malfoy Manor now.

I had escaped the notice of my former girlfriend's parents. I made for the nearest door, hoping to escape from the crowd of people gathered in the main hall of the party. So fearful was I of being noticed that I had not bothered to care where the door might have taken me.

The room that I had entered into was smaller and much darker. The only light came from the fireplace and the large ornate lamp set upon the table - but I could clearly see the faces of all the men present in the room. How he had gotten there before me I do not know - but there Nereus Avery stood with his aging father, Octavius Avery. Beside them were Crabbe, Goyle, Walden Macnair, Eamon Nott, Mulciber's father, and Lucius Malfoy himself. They had all been speaking in hushed voices, but the second they had seen me everyone fell into s complete silence. I opened my mouth to apologize and give my excuses for having intruded upon them, but once again, Lucius saved me the trouble as he had earlier in the evening.

"No need to apologize Severus." Lucius said softly, "I saw you speaking with Igor Karkaroff earlier. Any one of us here present would have looked for the nearest exit as well had we been in the same unfortunate situation." He grinned darkly and all the others began to laugh. I couldn't help but to laugh as well. It was funny. "I am glad that you have joined us in fact. Nereus, you should have invited your friend when we asked you here."

Avery did not seem to be pleased by this at all. He looked at me, then he forced himself to smile as he told Lucius in a mere whisper through his gritted teeth, "In future I will do so."

"Good," Lucius said, not bothering to look at Avery as he kept his eyes upon me, "Severus have you met my son?"

"I have not," I answered. At that, Crabbe, Nott and Macnair stepped aside. Behind them was and ornately carved crib. Beyond the wooden bars I could just make out the fair-haired toddler, sleeping among the blankets. So that was why they had been speaking so softly.

"This is my son Draco," Lucius said proudly as he rested his hands upon his serpent staff.

It took me a moment to register the name. I couldn't think, I was falling - falling fast and the room was spinning about me. My heart as racing -fear took hold of me - the bars, the crib - no. I was in Malfoy Manor - surrounded by the most dangerous men still left alive outside of Azkaban. I had to focus. I had to not think about the last time that I had seen a child behind the bars of a crib.

They had begun talking again. I took several deep breaths and strained my ears to hear.

"You speak out of turn," Nott was saying to someone. "It was not his responsibility." I looked to Lucius then and shut out all thought of the boy.

"No that's quite alright Eamon, McNair has the truth of it," Lucius said, and there was sadness in his voice when he spoke. I was almost certain that it was an act however. "We continually stressed the importance of remaining in the shadows for the present. We even went so far as to keep Bellatrix in a locked room upstairs at times."

"It's true," Crabbe was saying - sounding exasperated and upset himself. "You never saw her on her worst days. In the end, despite all of our best efforts there was little to be done for any of them. They just wouldn't listen, not to reason, pleading or even to threats. It was just awful. It tore Sissy apart to see her that way, and now this..."

Everyone fell silent for a few moments. They hung their heads in respect as if someone had died. I did too, but if I felt any sympathy at all it was towards Narcissa, certainly not for any of the others.

"Well I'll say it," Avery's father said, almost speaking above a whisper as he did, "It's better that it happened now. Better that they should be apprehended at a time when it doesn't interfere with our plans."

Another silence fell over the room. Not one person argued his position. Finally Eamon Nott spoke up, "I agree, better we should be rid of her recklessness. Bellatrix acted out of her own madness and never with any consideration for the group. She has been a liability for years. Lucius, my sympathies go out to you and to your wife but as far as I am concerned - let the Ministry deal with her."

"All of that is true," Lucius said nodding, "I too have been thinking this, though I don't dare say so in front of poor Narcissa. We are also quite lucky given the involvement of the Crouch boy. The Dark Lord never mentioned him to me, so why he was there l do not know. Still, it is a blessing nonetheless. Both the Ministry and The Prophet have been so fixated by the fact that the pious Barty Crouch's own son is a Death Eater that we may escape much of the spotlight. Already much of the attention has been taken from the Lestranges. We will simply do our best to distance ourselves from them."

"I would go so far as to say that we should not even be present at their trial," Avery's father announced.

The others all nodded their agreement. There was another long silence that fell heavy upon the room. No one seemed to know what to say. Of course they didn't. They were writing off three people that they had once considered family - they were leaving them for dead. One would expect them to seem upset, but when Lucius spoke again it was as if he spoke of livestock - not family. "Then it is settled. We continue with out the Lestranges. They have taken up too much of our time as it is. We should be turning our focus now to the boy, this Potter."

No. Not him! Stay away from him! Immediately my muscles tensed and my fingers nearly clenched into fist before I could remember my place. I must remain still and unmoved. I cannot display weakness now - he means to harm to the child! Even the way he said the word, "Potter," with such disgust - I hate it when Dumbledore is right.

Suddenly a voice from across the way cut into my thoughts - pulling back into the present. "What about him? The Devil take the boy for what he did to The Dark Lord!" Nott's voice, he'd spoken above a whisper.

Lucius moved to calm him, "Let us not be rash Nott, we do not yet know what will become of the boy. He defeated The Dark Lord. He, an infant defeated the most powerful Dark Wizard that ever lived. We should keep a close watch over him. In time, he might well become a standard to rally our kind. He is a Pureblood after all. He might very well be the key to our future."

What? What role could her son possibly play in their future? A standard? He is a child. Why make him out to be more than he is?

"Where is he now? The Ministry has been very quite concerning his whereabouts." Eamon Nott was speaking too loudly again. My chest began to tighten with fear. "Do we even know if he still lives? I don't believe what The Ministry has told the public about the boy for one minute, and I do not see what good he can be to us if he is dead or even hidden."

I heard him stir.

"You have my word Nott, the boy lives. I have learned through my friends within The Ministry that he is living with his family until he reaches school age. He will then be returning to our world, once he enters Hogwarts." Lucius spoke to Nott in such soothing tones he might well have been speaking to a frightened horse. Listening him, I realized how foolish I had been earlier when I allowed myself to be seduced - even briefly by his charm. What made me truly sick however was that I found myself paying such close attention to him. With out meaning to I was already studying him so that I will one day be able to lie with the same charm...

"Severus, that is where you come in," Lucius had turned to me at that very instant as if he had known - but I'd been using Occlumency. He could not have read my thoughts. Then suddenly I realized what he had meant, before he'd even said it. "And that is why I am so glad that you have joined us. As a professor in that wretched school, you will be in a unique position to keep an eye on the boy. Perhaps, over time you might even persuade him to join our cause. Both you and my son can help to have an influence over him."

I nodded my agreement, and Draco - as if he knew, stood up in his crib using the bars for support and began to speak, not in words, but in the soft sounds that children make before they can fully form speech. He was awake. My fears had been realized. Nott had spoken too loudly. When no one answered his immediate babble it started. He began to cry.

My throat closed up - Lily - Harry. I was in the room - no! Get out of it. I am in Malfoy Manor!

But he was screaming! With out any warning the door to the room opened. Light poured in through the door from the huge hall beyond - but there was no one standing in the open door. What was happening?

"Master, it is time for dinner, and Master wished to be told when it was time for dinner." That voice - the elf. I looked down and there, not but two feet from the ground stood the tiny creature.

"Thank you Dobby," Lucius said looking to the others and not the elf. "Well then, shall we? And Dobby, once you have finished serving dinner, see to my son."

"Yes Sir," the elf said bowing.

The others followed Malfoy through the door, but I was pinioned to the spot. What should I do? The child was crying. He didn't mean to stop it. I wanted to move but I couldn't. I wanted to run or to scream, but I couldn't do a thing.

I wish I could say that I stayed because I did not want to leave the child unattended, but I honestly could not move to save my life. I was so afraid - Lily - her son... but Harry was not the child in the crib - it was Draco. I was at a total lost. What shall I do? What shall I do - I thought again and again.

The guilt over took me - I never helped her son when he was crying. I never looked to the child. I never picked him up to comfort him.

How could I? How could I touch him? I was a murderer - cursed and with the blood of his mother upon my hands! I could not help this boy either... blood still stained my hands and I could not help him any more than I could move...

I couldn't, but I couldn't take his cries either. I am such a terrible person. I tried to calm myself. I had to get out of the room and to join the others at dinner after all. I was a spy! I was sent to look out for her son whom they had just threatened. I had to leave the room. I was not fit to be near children - my place was with them.

But when I was finally able to move again, I wasn't walking towards the door. It had taken me several steps to realize it - but that I was walking towards the crib. What was I doing? Before I knew it I was standing above the crib. This child's cries pierced my ears. Please stop crying, I thought - I don't even know how to calm a crying child...

I took a deep breath and tried to be rational. Just leave, just walk away - but something else had taken over. I had reached down to him. The next thing I knew I had the child in my arms. He nestled his head into my shoulder. I was going to be sick. Still he cried - not as loud as before but now he cried right in my ear. I felt my eardrums would shatter.

What shall do? I know nothing of children. Sing to him? Sing - what? I do not sing. I don't know how to sing - and even then what - would I sing to a child? Draco continued to cry - and then it was my voice. I heard it before I knew what I was doing, barely a whisper but I was signing to him.

"It's a god-awful small affair

To the girl with the mousy hair"

I had begun singing the first song that had come into my mind. David Bowie - "Life on Mars." The boy quieted down instantly, so I kept going. How he even heard me sing I don't know. I was so quiet, even more so than usual for fear he would cry again.

But her mummy is yelling "No"

And her daddy has told her to go

But her friend is nowhere to be seen

Now she walks through her sunken dream

To the seat with the clearest view

And she's hooked to the silver screen..."

I felt so stupid. Why was I singing at all, let alone to a child that I did not even know? And why not a child's Lullaby? That song I knew had come to me simply because I had heard it only a few days earlier. Stupid, but it had always been one of Evan's favorites. I never understood it until that very moment but as I recited to words, I began to understand why it did in fact make sense - not just to him, but to all of us. Evan, Neville, Draco, Harry and myself - all of us - we are all lost children. I am now responsible for three of them... Is that it then? Is that what I am? Severus Snape, the guardian to lost children?

"But the film is a saddening bore

For she's lived it ten times or more

She could spit in the eyes of fools

As they ask her to focus on

Sailors fighting in the dance hall

Oh man! Look at those cavemen go

It's the freakiest show

Take a look at the Lawman

Beating up the wrong guy

Oh man! Wonder if he'll ever know

He's in the best selling show

Is there life on Mars?"

I was so lost in the song - so lost in realization of what I have become - that I never even noticed her standing just feet from me. Narcissa - dear god how long had she been there!?

I fell silent and instantly made to hand Draco off to her as I begged her forgiveness, "I am so sorry! Please forgive me - he - he was crying - I"

"There is no need to apologize at all Severus," she said quietly. Narcissa was still smiling - just as she had been when I finally came to notice her. She took two steps forwards and took him then from me saying, "Thank you for looking after my son," then she leaned in and kissed me on the cheek, "I can not tell you what it means to me to know that Draco will have someone to look after him once he begins school." She paused and stared wordlessly at the floor for a moment as she ran her hand through her son's hair. Then she looked back up at me with her sad eyes and said, "You will make an excellent professor Severus. Thank you again."

She hugged Draco tightly and then left the room. Dear God what the hell had just happened? Even now hours later I cannot bear the weight of all that was said and unsaid in those brief moments between she and I. I have never liked Lucius, and while I am fairly certain he does not treat her any where near as badly as my father treated my mother - I still shudder to think what that she and that boy must face in that house.

I glanced back at the empty crib. The boy is safe. All of them - in one way or another they are safe and with their families. I think I shall never hear the sound of children crying and not think on that night and falter... Still, I did recover from my madness tonight. As awful as it was to face Draco - I did managed. I helped him I think. It was the wrong child and yet, I am not sorry that I tired to help him... Maybe I can do this.

Upon that thought I found my courage and joined the others for dinner. The elf seated me between Avery and a witch that I did not know. Neither he nor anyone else seemed to notice my tardiness - except of course for Narcissa who only smiled at me from across the long table. She held Draco on her lap thorough dinner. Lucius seemed irritated by this at first but if it truly angered him, he made a good show of it. He smiled at all the right times, he knew when to speak and when to listen - he played the part so perfectly. Lucius will lead them all now for certain in place of the Dark Lord.

Avery on the other hand was almost as irritating as Karkaroff had been earlier. He wouldn't stop talking. I did my best to ignore him and focus on the true reason that I was there. I might not have been able to speak with anyone, but I did my best to remember all of the faces seated around the table. It was then that I noticed the two empty places set near the other end. I tried to think of who might be missing. Five minutes later when the two of them finally appeared I had to kick myself for not realizing who it had been - Alecto and Amycus. The pair emerged giggling, from a door at the back of the room. Not one person bothered to look up as they took their places and I could not blame them. I suddenly found myself wanting to listen to Avery rather than to think upon it.

"Have you heard?" Avery asked.

"Heard what?" I said as I finally managed to avert my gaze.

"Alecto will be coming into an inheritance as well. It won't quite be on the same level of mine," he just had to add, "But she has done well for herself. One of our aunts was always fond of her, and she has convinced her husband to leave everything to her. They say it had something to do with her being the last fury, something to that effect. Well, at any rate - one day I will take Rosier Manor, and she will inherit all of Torchwood Manor."

I said nothing at first, only speaking again to change the subject, "How is your other aunt? Has Jocasta been well?"

I did not bother to pay his response much mind. He spoke at length about her though. Awful.

I ignored him for a long while until he said a name - Black. He just had to tell me about his inheritance. Walpurgia Black had disowned him years ago, which everyone had known. But upon learning that her son was involved with the Death Eaters, it was said that she would be once again naming him as her heir above Bellatrix, though I don't see what difference it will make, seeing as they will both be in Azkaban before long.

For the remainder of the evening, I did my best to take in the other conversations around me. There was no further talk of politics or plans. The words were friendly and the mood seemed far lighter than it had when I had first entered. One could almost think that this was nothing more than a normal family gathering - if only one could forget that the group was all united by their revolting enthusiasm for genocide, terror and domination.

I hate it. The thought that once willing became one of them - that I am still one of them makes me want to throw myself from the tower and end it all. Does it matter that I sat with them tonight for the sake of her son? I still live among them. I feel no different... If anything I feel worse now that I am an adult, for now I truly see things for what they are.

Needless to say I was more than relieved when the evening ended. I was actually happy to return to the school to speak with Dumbledore. Anyone - anything, just get me out of that house. It was all I could do to keep a straight face when I thanked Lucius and bid him good night. I walked so quickly down the path to the gate - I would have run if I had known I wasn't being watched. Out past the gate I Disapparated. I have never been so relieved to feel the crushing weight and darkness pressing in upon me.

The moment I set foot onto the Hogwarts grounds I felt so tainted - I wanted nothing more than to take several baths and to clean my clothing then tear off my skin. Even if any of that would have helped me, I hadn't the time to do it. I had to get to Dumbledore to tell him all that I had seen.

"Sir?" I knocked on the door, praying that he would answer. A sudden panic washed over me. What if all that I had done tonight - promising to uphold the wishes of the Dark Lord - fraternizing with all of them had somehow caused everyone that remains to me to vanish? It was a stupid thing to think I know, but as I waited for Dumbledore to appear, I realized how afraid I was of being alone. Why did I fear such a thing? In that instant though, the door cracked open and I had no further time to think on the matter.

I heard Dumbledore's voice and was instantly relived. "There you are, its good to see you Severus, I have been waiting for you."

He was waiting for me. He cared - or did he? Was it my safe return, or the information that I carried that he had waited for so eagerly? "Sir," I began with out a moment's hesitation. I started telling him all that I had heard and said - even before I had fully entered the room. He seemed amused of course, but I did not care. I wanted to tell him everything as quickly as possible to make certain that I did not forget anything important.

I was able to repeat everything that was spoken in the room with Lucius and the others, as well as the conversations between myself, Karkaroff, Avery and Philip Rosier. I even told him about Avery, Black's and Alecto's inheritance. I left out my near encounter with the Torchwood's however, and I certainly did no breathe a word of how I had tried to comfort the Malfoy boy. None of that was of any true importance. My only true concern was the conversation that had taken place in the small room.

All the while Dumbledore did not say a word or show any concern himself what so ever. He just watched me speak and nodded occasionally.

"You are not the least be troubled by this!? They mean to use her son as a standard!" I insisted. Dumbledore still sat calmly - completely unmoved by anything that I had reported.

"Severus, I am not at all surprised by anything that you have told me," he explained as he steepled his fingers together.

How could he just sit there!? "Sir, the mean to use the boy to advance their cause!"

He nodded a bit then said sleepily, "All the more reason for you to look after Harry. You did well tonight Severus, and now that all this business of the Malfoy gathering is behind us I trust you would like to visit your mother."

My mother!? It was nearly midnight, was he mad? Did he really expect me to go straight to her in the middle of the night with the taint of the Malfoys and their guests still upon me? "Sir, I think it would be best if I were to wait until morning."

"As you wish Severus, come back to my office tomorrow morning when you are ready and I will take you straight to Saint Mungos." He stood up then and walked me to the door. I found myself wishing he would say something to me - anything. I needed him to tell me something - something more than just, "you did well."

What that is, I do not know - but I still wish he would say it. I wish someone would say it. I don't know what else to write. Somehow tomorrow I must face my mother after all that I have done tonight. All of my lies and deceits and the time spent with those who... Draco. "Life on Mars."

That is it. Maybe that is what I needed to be told - I need to be reminded of why I am doing this - of what I am. I am the Guardian for Lost Children.

And lest I forget this tomorrow I must be reminded that I am soon to be one. That is the reason I fear to be alone then isn't it? Once I lose my mother, I will be truly alone. Alone save for the lost children that I will protect in secret for the rest of my life.

So be it. It is my fault that most of them are lost in the first place.

I must sleep now. I must be strong enough to face my mother tomorrow.