~Monday 21 December - Near dawn
I haven't had time for anything.
It is so frustrating having to go through with this illusion, pretending to teach when I have so much on my mind. I get so caught up in this act that I forget that I once had dreams and aspirations of my own - that I was once more than a pawn in someone else's game. I know, I gave up my dreams the moment that I became a Death Eater but- no. There is no sense looking back on all that. I never had much hope anyway. I have no dreams now. I ask only to be left alone to brew healing draughts for my dying mother. I cannot even do that, for now I must worry about the students, the Malfoys, and worst of all, Dumbledore - for I am his pawn now.
I must have some small thing that is my own. I must try to at least keep up with my journal. Perhaps if I write now, - catch myself up on the last few days, then I can quiet my mind enough to think clearly. I must be focused I cam to to properly brew this potion for my mother.
My mother... right, that is where I left off in my writing. It was Sunday, the day after the Malfoy Christmas Party. I remember going to sleep very late after I had gotten back. I feared to fall asleep and to face the next day for I felt so disgusted with myself. All of the things that I did and said in their presence - even my having been in their presence was unforgivable. I feared to have to face my mother. It is so terrible to see her so sick in Saint Mungos, but what I truly hated most was the fact that I would have to face her with the taint of the Malfoys still upon me.
When I awoke however I suddenly felt such an overwhelming feeling of purpose. For these past few months I kept telling myself that I was eternally devoted to protecting her son, but upon that morning - I felt it. It was a divine sense of duty - such that I have not felt since my final years in school when I was so determined to do well in my classes - but this is different, for this task is not nearly as selfish. I am here to look after not only her son, but all of the students. I am to be their silent guardian, protecting them from the shadows. No one need ever know - and in the shadows I will be free to feel as I will. I can do this and still brew potions to heal my mother. The elation I felt at the prospect of accomplishing those tasks was so powerful.
There was something else that I felt that morning as well. I did not feel fearless or even brave - but I did feel stronger somehow. I had been afraid to face the Malfoys and their guests, but I for all of my fears, I managed it. The only thing that truly frightened me was the thought that I might fail, but I did not do so. I walked among them and returned unscathed. I took such perverse joy and pride in that thought - it was as if I were a student returning from a night of drinking and snogging after having left the school grounds without getting caught.
I allowed myself to revel in the thought for a few brief moments as I readied for the day, but all joy was dashed as I began to pack the completed potion that I had made for my mother. For all of my confidence, I began to doubt in the thing's potency. I knew that the other two draughts that I was still in the midst of brewing would have a greater chance of helping her, and at that, I was reminded of why I must be focused upon my work...
Visiting her on that day was dreadful. She did little more than lie in her bed in mutter my father's name. I gave her a bit of the potion, and it was a struggle - for she seemed convinced that only muggle medicine could help her. I had to lie and tell her that it was in fact Muggle medicine. Another lie - just as I lie to her when I tell her that my father will soon return...
I feel so terrible lying to her. I lie to protect the boy, but must my lies and deceits extend to her as well? As I sat with her, I kept thinking of how frail and lost she is. How can I tell her that he has died? She loves only him. She thinks sometimes that I am him, and I pretend to be just to ease her fears. I sit still wrong if I do this for her sake?
She doesn't know. She doesn't know any of it. She doesn't know that I killed Lily and James. She doesn't know about the boy or all of the things that I have done since then - how I lie and say that I am a professor - how I lied during my trial. Dear God I can only hope that she never knew about my having become a Death Eater. It is highly unlikely she did not - for she had no ties to the Wizarding World by the time I took the Dark Mark. She would never have picked up a Daily Prophet or heard tell of the things that happened. She lived only in his world.
What difference does it make? I still did all those things despite her ignorance. I ran away from home after my seventh year - I never even said good bye. Her mind was gone, but somehow - she must have known. I abandoned her. Cruel as it was, I did far worse for when I joined the Death Eaters - I placed her in grave danger. All of our families were at risk should any of us displease him. What if I had failed in some mission? He would have gone after her and I knew it. I did my best to keep my head down and do as he wished so that no harm would ever come to her. Dear God, she could have killed as well.
That realization strengthened my resolve so that when Dumbledore came to accompany me back to Hogwarts, I immediately began work on the potions that I had been preparing for her. When work was completed on them, I began researching any other draughts that might help her. I didn't sleep, I stopped only to teach my classes the following day.
Nothing truly noteworthy occurred during my classes on Monday. I gave the students reading assignments while I did my own reading. I didn't learn much, and I suspect that most of them did not either.
I visited my mother after my final class and was dismayed to learn that the potion that I had given to her the night before had not helped her at all. She was still distant, speaking only to ask after my father - ignoring me unless she momentarily mistook me for him. That potion was meant to help restore some of her mind, and I failed her. The other draughts I am making to combat the cancer that is killing her - I must perfect them. I must not fail her. Thursday - by Thursday the one that I have the most faith in will be finished. I must not fail her.
Dumbledore brought me back to Hogwarts around nine - early enough in the evening and yet still he told me that I should get rest as he always does. True, I had not slept since Saturday, but I could not sleep. I still have yet to find a fourth draught to help her should the others fail.
I stayed up reading until it was nearly Midnight. I finished all three of the books that I had borrowed from the Library. Nothing. Still I could not sleep. I had meant to go back to the Library - I don't know why I did it... but as I was passing by the dorms something was bothering me. The skulls - the passwords that would not work for me - the passwords that they keep changing. I hated the four older prefects for their obnoxious behavior towards the other students and myself - but being denied access to my former home was going too far.
I did it to spite them. I did it because I could - their efforts to stop me had failed. I entered the dorms through the underwater passage that none of them know of. I walked silently and unseen through the darkened corridors of Slytherin, eventually reaching the Common Room. No one saw me hiding behind the pillar. They never do. They are all far too arrogant to think such things could even occur.
I heard the familiar shouts. A rally of sorts was taking place. One of the wretched older prefects was holding court, calling out to the others and making certain that everyone heard her threats and discontent with her fellow classmates. As I stood trying to discern the words, I realized that the speaker was neither Joan nor Matilda. I peered around the column and saw that the girl who roared threats to the terrified students was no prefect at all. It was her - I knew her. She was that beastly auburn haired girl - the one who sat beside Vrennon Stanhope. Adel was her name - Adel Eden. Her face was almost pretty - almost. It would have been but for the grimace she always wore upon it.
She was furious over something, that was plain, but it took a few moments to understand what it was she had been on about. Quidditch. She was furious over the recent Slytherin loss. Adel is not on the team so why she was so upset about the failures of the team I do not know.
I hated the way that she yelled. He used to yell at me like that. He used to make such threats as well. I was so small and he was more than twice my size back then...
This girl - she is huge. She is so broad shouldered and so tall she might well have been a man. Vrennon is a fairly muscular boy - but even he looked small beside her. If she were to make good on her threats, students would be sent to the hospital wing in scores. I began to worry that she would do it, and from the looks that I saw upon the faces of the students I knew that my fears were well founded. Those students looked as frightened as I had when he -
No. He is dead. He cannot hurt me, but this girl - She was still screaming and able to hurt others.
I had been blinded by my own fears as I stood there. I had failed to see that Albert Runcorn, Joan Ogden, Elwyn Edgecombe and Matilda Westin all stood by her side - and just as I recalled how much I fucking hate those four horrid prefects - I remembered just why I am so fond of the younger two. Andre Boyle and Elissa Deverille made their way through the crowd and began to speak out against her. When the pair reached the press of Matilda's supporters - Elissa began forcing people - even boys bigger than she - out of her way! "Adel," she cried in defiance, "You will do no harm to anyone on the Quidditch team - or to their friends! You are not going to bludgeon anyone - do you understand me?"
"No," the monster of a girl replied. The others laughed.
Elisa did not hesitate in her response, "Then let me make it plain so that it will penetrate that overly large head of yours. If you mean to hurt anyone - you are going to have to go through me first."
Many of the students fell silent at her bold statement - but Adel only laughed a deep throaty laugh. "Who is going to stop me - you and you're scrawny book worm friend there - and maybe your other boyfriend!"
The others laughed at the reference to her other boyfriend, but I did not understand what she meant.
"Shut it Adel." Andre said in a smaller but forceful voice. "I will stand in your way as well if that is what it takes, but you won't do anything. There are enough witnesses her tonight that you have not managed to frighten, bribe or bend to your little circle. There are still enough of us to stop you. Now off to bed all of you!" I could hear fear in his voice when he spoke, and I knew that Adel had heard it as well. Still, students were backing away - even Runcorn and Matilda had taken a few steps back. I was confused - but then I saw it. I saw what had given him the courage to speak - and what was truly causing the others to flee. I had to laugh.
The Bloody Barron had appeared just behind Adel. He let out such a horrific wail that sent most of the younger students and even a few of the older ones feeling from the room. It was good to see that he could still frighten students - especially that group who act as if they know everything and fear nothing.
Andre and Elisa remained to stand their ground against Adel. She in turn seemed more angry then ever as she looked down to them and scowled, "You had both better watch it, no ghost will come to save you the next time you interfere." She stomped off with Matilda and the others after that. She may have acted tough when she spoke, but I could see it. If the beast girl had been born with a tail - it would have been between her legs.
It was pleasant, to see those whom I hate defeated - at least for a time. As I swam back into my room beneath the dark stone walls however, I grew disappointed in myself. I of all people should know the importance of stoping such a bully, and yet, I cannot do it. Instead, a boy just as small as I and a girl no bigger than he stood up to the throng - alone.
Thank God for those two. They will look after the students. God knows that I cannot. Finally I shook off the incident and visited the Library as I had meant to do. I found another set of books and began to read. The hour grew late and I began having trouble concentrating. I thought that if I wrote that it would help, but it has only exhausted me. I must sleep - if only for a few hours so that I will be able to function tomorrow. Tomorrow - I must finish her healing draughts... I must not fail her.
~Tuesday 22 December - Cold, Late
One more day, one final day of classes before the start of the holidays and then I can focus my full attention to her. She is not getting any better.
I was able to work a bit during my classes today. While the students worked on simple assignments I worked on the two draughts I have been preparing for her...
I completed the one while the others were at lunch. Of the three potions, it was the least promising but I meant to try it all the same. The final potion will not be ready until sometime next week. After the last of my students finally left me, I packed up the potion and began to walk towards Dumbledore's Office. As I made my way to the stair case, I came upon Trelawney loitering in the hallway just outside of The Great Hall. She was hiding behind a suit of armor trying remain unseen - so I gave her the curtesy of pretending that I had not seen her. I hid behind a second suit of armor on the opposite side of the hall.
The sound of distant singing began to drift down the corridor. The choir - right. Tonight was to be the Christmas concert. I strained to hear as she must have been. The moment I heard the melody begin however, I was sorry that I had. Flitwick's students sang in such sweet haunting voices... were it any other song it would have been beautiful, but the song that they sang was The Coventry Carol. It was too much to bear.
Lully, lullay, Thou little tiny Child,
Bye, bye, lully, lullay.
Lullay, thou little tiny Child,
Bye, bye, lully, lullay.
O sisters too, how may we do,
For to preserve this day
This poor youngling for whom we do sing
Bye, bye, lully, lullay.
Herod, the king, in his raging,
Charged he hath this day
His men of might, in his own sight,
All young children to slay.
That woe is me, poor Child for Thee!
And ever mourn and sigh,
For thy parting neither say nor sing,
Bye, bye, lully, lullay.
By the time they had reached the second verse I could not breathe. It is just a song, but it is real for me, too real. As quietly and quickly as I could I slid out from behind the suit of amour and left the hall. I went back the way that I had come and made certain to take the long way to his office so that she would not see me. There was no reason for me to hurry there anyway for Dumbledore would not be in his office. Surely he was attending the concert, but I entered the empty room anyway. I had to hide somewhere while I waited for him to take me to my mother.
I stood alone in the red and gold room trying desperately to ignore the portraits and the bird. Books. There were books every where - perhaps one of them held the secret to cure my mother's ailments. I could go through them while he was not there - the options of the portraits be damned but somehow I could not do it. As much as I hate him, I could not see fit to defile his office by rummaging through his things without permission. So I stood waiting.
When Dumbledore did return, he began instantly to gush about the concert of course. I prayed silently that he would not bring up the problematic song. He did not. We walked to the gates while he discussed the gossip surrounding the trial of the Lestranges and the Crouch Boy - as if I cared about any of that.
When finally we reached my mother's room he left me and I breathed a sigh of relief once he had gone. Seeing my mother made me feel even better for she was sitting up! She was propped up on many pillows, but she was not lying down for a change. I asked one of the Healers if my mother had improved at all, but she said that she hadn't. My heart sank, for when my mother spoke, I knew it to be true.
She turned her head in my direction, but her eyes looked right through me, "Tobias?" she asked of me.
"He is still at work."
"When will Tobias come home?"
"Soon," I told her as I took my usual seat beside her. Giving her the potion was as difficult as ever.
"No, no," she muttered as she kept turning her head away... "Not magic no..."
"It is Muggle medicine, I promise," I whispered as I tried to spoon it to her.
"Tobias wouldn't like it..." she whispered back to me as she pushed my hand away, "Where is he."
"He is on his way home, but first you have to take this. He would want you to take it," I lied to her.
Would he though? He hated magic, but if magic could save his wife - would he really deny her magic if it meant the difference between life and death?" I honestly did not know what he would have said.
She took it eventually, and before long she fell asleep as she always does. Before I left I informed the Healer that I had given her a few potions to help her, I felt I should lest in interfere with anything they might be doing for her. The Healer was not as upset as I thought she would be. Of course she tried to tell me not to do so in future - that they were doing all the could for her already. "I am sure it won't hurt her, but you must understand that sometimes, even the best of Healers cannot restore a patient, particularly an unwilling one." The Healer looked at me then - she looked at me with pity in her eyes. I hate it when people look upon me with pity. Finally she dropped her gaze and walked away.
My mother may have given up, they may have all given up on her - but I will not. I must not fail her, and so I have been awake since I have returned trying to accomplish the act of creating a forth potion - for I have found one that I think might help. Classes are going to occur soon, I should get some sleep but... I must not fail her.
~Wednesday 23 December - early evening
I did not sleep. How could I sleep with her dying and that song repeating in my head.
His men of might, in his own sight,
All young children to slay.
That woe is me, poor Child for Thee!
And ever mourn and sigh,
For thy parting neither say nor sing,
Bye, bye, lully, lullay.
He will not return. He will not return for her son he will not. I know this and yet, the words gnaw at me... sharp teeth tearing me up from within.
The boy is safe, the boy is safe...my mother...
It was a half day today to allow the students time to travel home. Silence and still I work. I sat with her again tonight. She slept and so I read. I learned of no new brews to make for her but I did find some information to aid me in the one that I am completing for her now.
I will work a bit more tonight, and tomorrow I will leave the school for the duration of the holidays to spend Christmas in the Closed Ward with my mother.
~Wednesday 23 December - near Midnight
Lully, lullay I cannot sleep... bye bye lullay - why is it that Trelawney remained outside in hiding and did not enter into the Great Hall? Is it that she too feels that she does not belong in this place as I do? So often I forget how I have condemned her. So often do I forget just how many I lives I have destroyed...
I tried to sleep, I have been trying to sleep for the last hour for I am exhausted and can no longer concentrate to make her potions...
Am I half mad in thinking that I can really heal her? Have I gone wholly mad when they keep telling me that she is dying?
But she is my mother. She is my mother, I am not ready to say that she was...
~Thursday 24 December - Morning
I must have finally fallen asleep for I just awoke from a vivd dream, a memory from my childhood. She was with me - my mother as she once was. I remember it so well. It was just a day, no different from any other. I was nine years old and home from my Muggle school sick with a Muggle illness. She had kept me home from school and given me a Pepper Up Potion as she always would. I was recovered for the most part, but she would always permit me the day off from school.
He was gone - at work, or else she would never have been able to give me the medicine. But he was gone and so we sat together in the kitchen as the rain fell down in heavy sheets over the windows. I could barely make out the garden beyond them. She was making tea and I was waiting. She told me that she had a surprise for me. I was excited, hoping it would be something magical. I can remember how I kicked my feet back and forth underneath the table - hardly able to contain myself at the thought of being shown more magic.
"Close your eyes!" she said from the living room beyond.
I did as I was told and covered my face with my hands.
"Are you peaking Severus?" I could hear her say as she walked into the room and placed something before me upon the table.
"No!" I was trying not to laugh.
I could tell that her face was nearly in mine as she continued placing objects on the table, "I don't know, I think I see your eye peering out from between your fingers!"
"I'm not peaking!" At that I couldn't sop laughing.
"Well you might as well open them now," she said taking the seat across from me.
I literally gasped when I saw them. They were beautiful - two dozen orbs glittered before me like field full of faerie lights. "Gobstones!"
"Yes. I did tell you that I would teach you to play when you were old enough did I not? Well, you can't play if you do not have your own set. Now you do," as she said this she slid them towards me.
"These are mine?" I said excitedly, but even then I knew, and suddenly I felt a pang of guilt. "These are yours -"
"Yes, I won many tournaments with them, and now they are yours!" She was grinning from ear to ear. She seemed so thrilled to pass them on to me, but they had been hers. She was a champion once and I knew how much the game had meant to her - how could I take them from her? She had already given me so much of her own things. We had no money... I was used to the hand me downs - but this was different. Even at nine, I knew how great of a sacrifice it had been for her.
What could I say to her? I thanked her of course but thank you is far to weak of a phrase to express what it was that I truly felt.
"You are more than welcome little one," she reached across the table and ruffled up my hair. "Now, it is time I taught you how to play. You had best pay very close attention and learn quickly if you ever hope to have a chance of beating me - and do not think that I will go easy on you or let you win as I did when you were a little boy all those times we played Muggle board games!"
She grinned such a wicked grin at that. She wasn't kidding either. She beat me over and over no matter how much skill I gained over the years. She used to laugh so hard when those stupid fucking stones exploded in my face - and on the rarest of occasions when I would win and she would get hit in the face I would practically dance about the room in triumph. She would laugh even harder at that...
Her Gobstones - my Gobstones... Still in the top left drawer in the box with the brass fastenings. How could I ever forget - I may have misplaced many things when I left home but those I always treated with such reverence...
She must have them back - but do I dare go back there? I swore that I would never set foot in that house. Yet I have labored so hard at creating healing draughts - surely I can go to the house to so that I might return the Gobstones to my mother. Potions may have failed to restore her wits but surely taking something that she once loved into her hand again will restore some part of her happiness - won't it?
And Dumbledore - even he would not object to taking me back there in order to retrieve the Gobstones set for her. As soon as the sun has fully risen I will ask him to take me to Cokeworth before he leaves me at Saint Mungos.
There. I will bring her the latest potion that I have finished for her, and her old Gobstones. Surely that will help her in some small way. It has to help...
~Thursday 24 December - Night, Christmas Eve. Sitting by her side in Saint Mungos.
I went to the house. Dumbledore did not object, nor did he ask too many questions. He merely stood outside and waited for me. Still, I really didn't see why that was necessary. More perilous was it for me to walk through Malfoy Manor alone than it would be to venture off to my own childhood home. Still, I kept my head down and ran through the place as quickly as I could - scarcely daring even to breathe. The Gobstone Set was just as I had left it. With careful hands I removed it from the drawer then fled hastily from the house.
The return to the house was as bad as I thought it would be.
I have been here with her for almost an hour now. He left me here. I am not to return to Hogwarts until the holidays have ended.
I thought things would be different.
When first I placed the Gobstones in her hands, I thought for sure that she would recall them and say something sensible... Even if she were to have muttered some fragment of remembered strategy I would have been happy, but she said nothing. I kept telling her what they were. I kept reminding her of the day that she had given them to me and of how she taught me how to play but still she said only the word "no," over and over - refusing even to close her hand around the stones.
"They belonged to you. You loved them. You were a champion and the head of the Hogwarts team." I held them close to her eye so that perhaps the color of them would jar her memories.
"No, no..." she would say if she saw anything at all. A few times she said my fathers name but nothing else. She did not even ask after him today.
"I could make one explode in my face - you used to love that when I was little! Do you not remember all of the times that you defeated me and laughed? Shall I make it happen so that you might laugh at my expense as you once did," but she did not answer me.
She faded back into slumber. Nothing stirred in her memories at all, so I sat alone - holding the colored orbs in my hands. I could not help but to think back on all that she had given to me over the years. First her own school books, then her prized Gobstones, her robes, her caldrons and her entire store of potion supplies. Save for her wand, my mother had given me everything magical that she had ever owned. I began to master the arts with them at Hogwarts, while she herself lost the ability to perform magic entirely. It is almost as if she had given that to me as well.
I wish I knew what more I could do for her. I have one of the potions with me... I will try that tomorrow. Today, I just cannot suffer another failure.
~Friday 25 December - Christmas Day - late afternoon
It was a struggle to get her to take the potion, but she took it. I set up the Gobstones on her bedside table despite my earlier failures and tried to get her to play. This time she seemed to recognize them but still she said, "No... no Tobias..."
"He is at work and will not be home until much later in the day. Why don't we play now before he gets back," I took her he hand and placed it upon one of the stones, "Your move first. I promise to put up a good fight - I know you like a challenge."
She jerked her hand back. "No! No... evil..."
Evil. So that was it then. Evil. She remembers well enough what they are, but she thinks back only upon his opinion of the thing. Was it not bad enough for him to torment her and I over the years - to deny her the use of magic!? Did he also have to warp her view of religion as well?
There was a time when Magic and her religion were of equal importance to her. Where is the woman who could live in both worlds?
Of course - today - of all days must I be reminded of the change in her... My mother was always a devote Catholic, they both were - but his view of things was far different. He was so strict and so rigid in his views. They way he treated the act of attending church services - it was more of a military operation rather than an expression of devotion. Far more important to him, was the outward appearance - the satisfaction of acting the part perfectly.
When she prayed, there was true passion behind her words. To her, the angels and the saints were to be called upon for help and for strength. To him, there was only guilt and punishment. Always he acted so superior - the way he spoke of things - but even as a child I doubted that he knew half of the things that my mother did. She, I knew had truly read the bible - in English and in Latin. She knew enough to read, and to read between the lines - but he could never see beyond what he chose to see.
She knew... but he was so good at convincing her of how ignorant she was. She wasn't ignorant at all, but he told her such things so often that eventually she began to believe it. She lost everything to him - her magic, her happiness, her sanity - and now even her view of religion is gone.
I can't tonight. It is all too much. Even from the grave he controls her. I hate him still. My only hope is that the potion will begin to heal her, but it will take a few more hours to take its full effect, so I cannot be certain of anything until the morning...