"You know you didn't have to do that, right?" He whispers to me.
After I'm done doing what I've just done, I'm lying on his chest just resting. It sounds pathetic, but my throat hurts. I think I must've done something wrong. I don't think my throat is supposed to be sore.
"I wanted to." I assure him. I really did want to. I'm not lying. I think that if I has thought about it more before I did it, I would've probably chickened out. I acted on impulse to do it, but it's okay. I'm glad I did it.
"Don't do it again." He pulls me closer to him and rubs my lower back.
"...Was it bad? I'm sorry. I won't do it anymore." My cheeks turn bright pink and I feel über embarrassed.
"No, babe. I loved it. It was amazing. I just don't want you to feel like you have to." He turns towards me and kisses my lips softly.
The sexual tension between us is still burning strong and it's unwavering. I can't wait to just do it already.
"It's fine. I really wanted to." I nestle my head deeper into his chest and lie there.
He places his hand on my butt and massages it. "You've really never done that before?"
I shake my head. "You're the first. You're my first everything so far."
"I love being first." He snickers and kisses my lips again.
I kiss him back. "We should probably get off this trampoline, huh?" I look off to the side where Nick and Selena were. They got off to do their own thing on the bed up on the patio.
"We don't have to get off. I like it here. It's nice just you and me." He squeezes my butt hard.
"Are we just gonna lay here? Or do you have something planned for me?" I say flirtatiously, kissing on his neck again.
"How many times do I have to tell you that we're not having sex tonight?"
I sigh hard and irritably. "Whatever." I stop kissing his neck and sit up, forcing his hand off my butt. I stand up on the trampoline and go to the zipper part so that I can get out.
"Demi, what are you doing?" He sits up too. His tone is annoyed.
"I'm leaving. If you don't want to touch me, I'm not gonna sit here. I'm going to get something to eat." I unzip the trampoline.
"Sit back down, Demi." He says, as if he's talking to a little kid.
"No... I'm leaving."
"Get back in here, Demi."
My legs are dangling over the side of the trampoline as I prepare to jump down. "For what?"
Suddenly, he gets up and walks towards me, making the trampoline bounce heavily as he walks. He grabs both my arms tight.
"Let me go, Joe. I'm leaving." I pull away from him, but it's useless.
He shows off how strong he is by dragging me back into the trampoline and throwing me down. He doesn't hurt me. It's rather fun.
"Stay in here and talk to me." He lies down on top of me, between my legs. He rests his head between my boobs.
"Why would I stay in here and let you rub all over me if you don't want to sleep with me? I don't want to be teased." My tone is hard and full of frustration.
"Why is having sex so important to you? Can't you just be satisfied with what we've done?"
"I am satisfied."
"No you're not. You're being a little brat about it. You don't know how to accept no."
"WHY no? WHY? Is it because I'm a virgin? What is it?"
"Because I said no, Demi. Stop being a bitch. I didn't say never. I said no. Not tonight."
"I'm not being a bitch. I just want to know why you'll give me oral, let me give you oral and then turn around and finger me, but you won't have sex with me."
"Because I don't WANT to have sex with you right now."
"I knew it."
"You knew what?"
"That you just didn't want to." I shrug. "You could've told me the truth. It's not the first time I've been turned down. I'm just... not appealing, I guess."
"...You think you don't appease me? You think I don't want to? Believe me, Demi. I want to, babe. I want to tear your ass UP. But just... Not right now. It's not you. You're sexy. You're beautiful. You're hot. You're unbelievably gorgeous. It's not you..."
"Then what is it?" I sigh again.
"I want your first time to be very special. I don't have an STD or anything, babe. I just want your first time to be really special. I want you to remember your first time. I want your first time to be in a bed, not on a couch or a trampoline. I want to take my time. I don't want to be rushed. I want to be able to hold you when we're finished. I want to be able to take a shower with you when we're finished. I don't want to have to worry about what time to have you home." He sweeps my hair away from my face. "Above everything else, I don't want to hurt you. And if I do hurt you, I want to hold you until the hurt is gone. It's not just sex to me, Demi. It's your virginity. It's your...purity. Once it's gone, I can't give it back to you. And I'm not going to just...steal it from you. I'm sorry if you can't understand that...but I'm not having sex with you. Not tonight."
"...Okay." I tangle my hands through his nicely cut hair and kiss his lips. I'm crying, but it's not because I'm sad or anything.
"You're so beautiful." He says to me. He leans down and kisses my forehead. "Your dad must've had to beat boys away with sticks back in Texas, huh?"
"...Not exactly." I shake my head.
He rests his head on my chest again. "What do you mean not exactly?"
"Boys didn't really pay attention to me back at home. I was always one of the ugly girls..."
"You're not ugly. Don't think that way, babe." He holds my hand tightly.
I hold his hand just as tight and keep quiet.
"Does your dad know about me?" He asks.
"Uhh..." It's kind of pointless to lie to him, so I don't even bother. "No... He doesn't know..."
"You haven't told him? I told my mom yesterday. She thinks you're beautiful."
"I haven't told him..."
"What about your mom?"
"No..."
"Why not, baby? Would they be angry with you?"
"Probably not..." I'm actually surprised that Nick hasn't said anything to him about my parents. Then again, I don't think Nick knows either. I think Selena might be the only one that does.
"I think you should tell them, babe. We're getting pretty serious, huh?"
"I can't tell them..." I mumble.
"Why not?"
"...Because I don't even live with them." My heart is starting to hurt. I wish I felt like I did earlier today when I told Miss Mandy and Selena my story. I didn't even want to cry then. I want to cry now
"You don't live with your parents? What the hell?" He pops his head up off my chest fast and looks at me.
"No... I don't live with them..." I shake my head. The tears are gonna come.
"You live by yourself? That's illegal, Demi. You need to have someone there with you. That's not right..." He shakes his head fast as if he doesn't approve.
I don't say anything. If I open my mouth again, tears are gonna pour. Just a minute ago, I felt fine. I'm a mess now.
"You don't live alone, do you?"
I shake my head slowly, looking down. I'm sitting Indian-style now, with my legs crossed.
"...Do you need to talk about it?" He switches the tone of his voice in an instant. Now he's soft, careful with me.
I shrug. I don't really want to talk about it tonight.
"...If you need to let it out, I'm here for you, baby. You know that..." He grabs me and lets me lean on him.
I feel so detached. Like my mind is in the air, rummaging through every scary thought I've ever had in my life. It's a scary thing. It used to happen all the time before mom took me to see a doctor.
"I'll listen if you need to talk..."
I can't bring myself to say anything else. I'm so far out of my mind that I honestly forget what he's talking about.
I need to go home. I need to be alone when I feel this way. It's better if I'm alone physically, because I'm already mentally alone when I feel like this. I'm sure Joe's still talking to me, but I can't hear anything. I don't remember how to have fun right now.
Absentmindedly, I get up from the cross-legged position I was in. Joe calls my name, but I block him out.
I walk back over to the unzipped entrance of the trampoline and hop down. I walk barefoot back to the patio. Joe's still calling my name, rushing to catch up with me. I'm just walking. I'm not running. I think he's afraid to grab me again.
I walk up the steps to the patio and open the glass door. I shut it behind me.
Nick and Selena are watching a movie. I think it's porn, but I don't care enough to look.
Past them, I walk into the door of Selena's house. It's dark inside. Everyone must be asleep.
I remember my way back to Selena's bathroom and I barricade myself inside, locking the door to complete it.
I need my mom right now. I need her so badly. She knows what to do when I act like this. She knows...
I grab my phone from the pocket of my shorts and tap the contact that says "mom." It calls her. I hold my phone to my ear as it rings.
It just keeps ringing and ringing until finally, an automated voice talks. "The number you are trying to reach is no longer in service."
It always says that. Every time I call her... That's what it says.
Slowly, I put my phone on the floor next to me, and I finally cry.
My tears are soft and they roll down my cheeks and collect in puddles on my arms. My heart feels like it's beating fast... a little too fast.
I curl up into a ball next to the toilet and lie down.
I'm sorry, but I'm slipping.
Nonchalantly, I grab my earring from my ear and examine the rounded but sharp tip of it.
I press it hard into the soft skin of my palm and I know it's in when I hear a noise, similar to the crunch of breaking a bone. "Ahhh..." I whimper. It hurts so bad.
I move my hand off the earring.
There it is, plunged into my wrist. The blood trickles down and collects in the bend of my arm. Once I see the blood, I pull the earring out of my newest gash. "Mmmmmm..." It didn't come out easily. I really had to pull.
The blood is so deep red that it could be purple.
I really need my mom... She always knew what to say to keep me from doing this.
So did the doctor.
I don't want to go back to the doctor, but I think I need to. I didn't like the doctor, but mom told me it was necessary for me to "get better." Apparently, I was really sick.
I don't want to burden Aunt Kathy or Uncle Jason with the new baby coming, so I won't tell them about the doctor. I won't tell them about this.
I won't tell anybody about this.
I feel like I bother everyone with it, and it's not that serious.
That's why mom couldn't go to her doctor sooner, because she was busy with my doctor.
I pick myself up off the floor and sigh deeply. I wish my mom was still here. She was the only one that knew when I was feeling bad.
I wash my arm and wrist off with cold water. My wrist isn't bleeding too bad anymore, so I grab my phone, shut off the light and leave the bathroom.
I want to go to sleep. Before I do anything too drastic.
I'm not trying to kill myself, but at this point, I really wouldn't care if I did.
When I'm feeling like this, I try so hard to find any reason to live. I wanted to live to see my Aunt Kathy's baby.
But it's sad whenever I can't find a reason anymore.