September 12, 2008

Dear Mom,

Sorry I haven't written to you in a long time. I haven't really been able to find the strength to. Even right now, I don't know if I'm strong enough to write. But I don't want you to think that I've forgotten about you, so I'm writing right now. It's been what, three days?

So anyway, things have gotten really bad. I can't find purpose anymore, mom and it's really bugging me.

I don't want to tell Aunt Kathy or Uncle Jason how bad it's gotten, because I don't want to kill their joy or anything.

I've started cutting again. I'm really sorry that I didn't keep my promise, but sometimes I feel so frustrated and and so angry and fed up inside that I have to. I'm not proud that I do it.

I stayed over Selena's house on Saturday. I got high for the first time too. It was a really nice feeling, but it made my head hurt so bad that I wanted to cry. Getting high was actually really fun, but it made me feel kind of hungry. Selena said that I should get high with her more often.

I'm not sure if I told you, but I almost had sex with Joe on Saturday. We were just kissing and stuff, but then he told me no. And I was just happy to be with him at first, but then I got really sad and I don't know why. I think it was because he asked about you. I didn't tell him that you're in heaven. I just went in the bathroom and cried until I felt well enough to go to sleep.

On Sunday, I went shopping with Uncle Jason. We didn't buy much, because we're not sure what the baby's gender is yet, so we just bought little stuff, like a white crib and a white changing table. After shopping, I came home and went to bed. I took six of those sleeping pills that Aunt Kathy bought for me and I went to sleep at 4:00 and didn't wake back up until it was time for school.

School on Monday was this big drag. Nick wasn't in school, so me and Selena stuck with each other all day. I realized that I didn't talk to Selena much on Monday. I'm not talking to any of my friends much anymore. Not even Joe. I'm not doing it on purpose, I swear.

Tuesday, I don't know what went on. I was in school, but I wasn't mentally in school. I don't know where my mind goes when it wonders. It just goes, and I can't stop it. I don't even realize anything.

Today in school, I really tried to concentrate on my schoolwork and interact with my friends. The schoolwork part was easy, but the friends part was not. I forgot that Cody even existed, but today in art class he burned me with a hot glue gun. I think he's still mad at me for turning him down, but I'm too...detached to actually care. I have a real nice burn mark on my arm, but whatever. It's nothing compared to the marks I have on my wrist.

I don't think I'm going to go to school tomorrow. I think I need a day off.

I also think that I need to see the doctor again, which really fucking sucks. I don't want to see the doctor, because it won't be the same doctor.

I don't think I'm sick, I just get a little sad sometimes.

I'm going to go now, because I want to eat some dinner and go back to sleep for the night. I know that I just wine up from a nap, but sleep is the only place that I can get away.

I love you.

Until Next Time,

Love always,

Demi.

It's probably like 7:30 already, and I'm ready to just go to sleep. I already took a shower and everything.

I get up from my computer chair and grab my laptop. I've literally been so detached from reality that I forgot I have a Facebook.

I click on the Facebook icon and log in. I have three notifications.

I check them. Dallas liked my status and Selena and Joe both wrote on my wall.

I click to see the posts they made.

Joe wrote: Text me whenever you can.

Selena wrote: Call me ASAP!

I sigh and log off. I grab my phone. I've had it turned off since I came home today. I push the power button and wait for it to come back on.

I'll call Selena before I text Joe.

I click Selena's contact and call her. I don't really feel like talking.

"Demi!" Selena answers the phone.

She's so loud.

"What?" I mumble. I'm really not in the mood.

"Guess what I found out today..."

"What?" My voice is so boring and monotonous.

"I found out why Cody goes to therapy."

"...huh?" I completely missed whatever she just said.

"Cody..."

"What about him?"

"I found out why he goes to therapy twice a week in school."

"Oh... Why?"

"He told Nick that he goes because when he was a freshman, he dated this one girl named Blaire and he hit her and stuff and threatened to kill her."

"...Really?" I don't want to sound rude, but I seriously don't care.

"Yeah. So like... Be glad that you didn't date him." She laughs slightly.

I don't laugh. My end of the phone is dead silent.

"So what's wrong with you? Are you feeling sick?"

"No... Why?"

"Because... I don't know... Ever since Saturday at my house, you've been acting really... Weird. Like... Ignoring me."

"I'm not ignoring you."

"Yes you are, Demi..."

"Selena, no I'm not. I called you...didn't I?"

"...You've been ignoring Joe too. He thinks he upset you."

"I haven't been ignoring him either."

"Demi, yes you have. You've been ignoring all of us. Today's the first time you've said more than three words to me since Saturday."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay...its just... weird."

"I'm sorry."

"Okay. Well... I'm gonna go now. I have to take a shower. I'll see you tomorrow in school?"

"...yeah." I lie to her. I don't know why I lie, I just do. I think I lie, because it's easier than to explain that I won't be in school tomorrow.

"Okay." She hangs up on me.

I feel bad, but I can't do anything about how she feels. I don't mean to ignore her, but I can't help it. I just don't feel like talking.

Suddenly, my door swings open. I whip my head around fast to see who it is.

"Demi... Come eat dinner." My Aunt Kathy sounds really annoyed with me.

"Okay..." I sigh.

"I've been calling you for the past ten minutes, what's the matter with you?"

"I didn't hear you..."

"I was screaming your name, Demi. What do you mean you didn't hear me?"

"I just... Didn't hear you." I shrug.

"I don't know what's wrong with you, but you better fix it."

"...what?"

"WHAT is the matter with you?!" She stomps her foot, demanding an answer from me.

"NOTHING is wrong with me!"

"That's a load of bullcrap, Demi. These past few days you've even acting really ignorant. I don't think your attitude."

"What are you talking about?!" I feel so bad about yelling at her, but so what.

"This attitude you've got going on! I ask you a question, you make me ask it five damn times before you answer me?! You haven't been eating!" She yells right back at me. "Are you doing some kind of drug that you won't tell me about? What is it, Demi?!"

"...I'm not doing drugs. Nothing is wrong with me. Just leave me alone."

"If something's bothering you, you need to tell me. And that's all I'm going to say about that." She turns around sharply and walks out of my room.

Okay, so maybe something is wrong with me.

I don't even notice that I'm acting different, but apparently I am. I just don't feel... Right.

I don't feel sick. I don't feel sick at all. I just don't feel... Right? If that makes sense.

I guess I'll call Joe before I eat.

I click his contact. I'm REALLY not in the mood to talk.

"...Hello?" Joe answers the phone. He sounds apprehensive.

"Hi..."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I just wanted you to know that I'm not mad at you."

"Oh... Okay. Are you free tomorrow? Right after school?"

"I'm not going to school."

"Baby, are you sick?"

"No."

"Then why aren't you going to school?"

"I need a break."

"Oh... Are you gonna be alone tomorrow?"

"Probably... My aunt has to go do some things and my uncle has to work."

"Then I'll come pick you up tomorrow. I have a surprise for you."

"...okay." I murmur.

"I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"Yeah..."

"Alright. Miss you babe."

"You too."

"I'll see you later."

"See you."

We both hang up and I get off my bed to go downstairs and eat.

I round the corner and start down the spiral staircase. On my way downstairs, I hear my aunt and uncle talking. I stop and listen.

My aunt is crying...

"She's been through a lot, Katherine. It's not your fault."

"I just want her to be happy. You should've seen her upstairs, Jason. She was so upset. I could see it in her eyes."

"She just lost her mother, Kathy. Not her cousin. Not her grandmother. Her MOTHER."

"Open your eyes, she's sixteen years old! We can't just sit here and do nothing!"

"You're not her mother, Katherine. That's a void you'll never be able to fill."

"I'm not trying to fill it, Jason. I'm trying to ease some of her pain!"

I don't want them to argue. I feel so horrible right now.

I resume walking down the steps.

"She's coming." My aunt whispers to my uncle.

I round the other corner and walk downstairs to the kitchen.

I really have to stop being so... Sad.

I'll really try.

I promise.