Chapter 4

The Merits of Patience

Cross My Heart and Hope to Fly - The Courteeners

Cloud is coming home today.

I stand nervously in the middle of the room above the garage. I hope he likes it. My hands fidget, smoothing the blanket, deep blue and slightly fuzzy, on the bed again. I bought it just two days ago, I shouldn't have but I did anyway. Dr. Crescent said that we shouldn't get too fancy on the room, not yet at least. He's not used to having control over things. It should be simple until he's ready to change it himself.

I just couldn't resist. I already painted the walls blue, a few shades darker than his eyes...at least what I remember his eyes being. The bed is only a simple twin with a pillow and the blanket, in the middle is a large beat up stuffed tiger. We put a bookshelf next to the door and Den made sure to only put newer books on it. The bare concrete floor is mostly covered a large deep pile rug in black to block out some of the cold. Then there's just a desk and chair with some blank notebooks and pens. The stuffed tiger is the only thing in the room that he owned before the accident.

We still have most of Cloud's stuff from before, just like we have most of Zack's. Madeline won't get rid of it, but it's in boxes in the garage. Over the next week we'll give him the option of going through it but right now it's not included.

I squeeze his stuffed tiger and wonder if it should be in here. Until he was eight he wouldn't go anywhere without it. It was his favorite thing but I don't want the room to look childish. He may be getting out of a mental institution but he's still an adult now. I settle with placing it on top of the bookshelf. Not obvious but still there.

My hands drop to the spines of the books, straitening them to a perfect line. Oh god, I'm being obsessive compulsive. I've been up here checking and double checking since Madeline and Denzel left to go get him. I think I'm more nervous than they are.

I force my hands to stop touching everything and leave the room. There's only one door, it exits to an exterior set of stairs that face the back porch of the house. I follow the gravel path to the back door and enter the kitchen, my domain. I don't do much cooking anymore, but between my mom dying and everything the Strife's had to go through I cooked every meal for more than five years. Now that I work evenings and Madeline is capable, she cooks more than I do, but I still consider it my place.

I need something to keep myself occupied so I make myself a cup of tea and sit at the island. I haven't seen him in nearly three years... I used to go visit. Not with Den and his mom, they didn't need another person tagging along and we weren't as close to being a family then as we are now.

I would get out of school and drive over to the institute on Wednesdays. I wasn't really supposed to see him, he was still in solitary treatment and I wasn't family but Dr. Crescent allowed me to, provided there was a guard around. While he was still catatonic I sat in the room and told him what had been going on at school. When he started responding it was to tell me that he didn't care about school, or his friends, or anything. It hurt, all the things that were important to me he now hated. I tried not to let it effect me but it did. The third or fourth time he made me cry he just told me to not come back, so I never did.

It's been a long time since I've seen him. I went to visit because I felt guilty. I felt like I owed him. I never talked to the police about the drink but I'm convinced that's where the drugs came from. He wouldn't have done all of those poisons willingly. Maybe one or two, it was high school and his friends didn't have the best reputation but at a party like that Cloud wouldn't have done more than smoke pot. Not somewhere where the cops were likely to show up and there were so many people around.

I still remember Den calling me the next day from the hospital to tell me that Zack was dead and Cloud was in critical condition. It was wrong, wrong for it to happen, wrong for Den being the one to tell me, wrong because in so many ways it was my fault. If only I had known then I could have stopped it from happening. If anything that was more hurtful than what happened.

Realistically I was never that close to the brothers, I had always spent more time with Den than Cloud and Zack because of Marlene, but I had known them since I was two. We played some as small children, but I quickly became the girl, into the wrong things and too young to be cool. By the time I got into high school I had almost nothing in common with them. Zack had graduated and was playing baseball for the University and Cloud was a sophomore with his own group of friends. We were friendly, I could glom a ride to and from school if I needed one, but we weren't really friends.

I turn the cup in my hands staring at the reflections off the water. No I was never really that close to Cloud or Zack but I still feel guilty about what happened to them.

I hear the front door open and Den shouts. "Tifa, we're back."

I put the cup back on the table as fast as I can and grab a brown paper package before going out into the living room. Den meets me half way down the hall and shakes his head. "Kitchen, mom needs a moment."

I nod and follow him back. I want to see Cloud, more than anything else, but if Madeline needs a minute than I can give it to her. Mothers take precedence over friends that were never really friends. "How was it?"

Den shrugs and pours himself a cup of soda. "He won't be riding in cars anytime soon."

"What do you mean?"

"He sat up front with his eyes closed and nearly hyperventilated the whole way back."

I bite my lip. Well, I knew he wasn't going to be going out into public for a while so I guess a fear of cars won't affect us too much. It is after all completely rational. I can hear Madeline talking and occasionally very soft short murmuring that must be him while Den slugs half the soda in one go. "Is he okay?"

"It's hard to tell." He shifts his glass an frowns at it. "I think so."

Footsteps sound in the hall and we quickly silence ourselves.

"Come on, sweetheart." Madeline enters the room and beckons him through the door. "You remember Tifa don't you?"

I stare as he enters. Despite the fact that he's dressed in one of my dad's button up shirts and slacks he still seems to command my attention. He's different, the last time I saw him he'd been confined to a room for over a year and they had been shaving his hair. He's filled out, still slim but muscled with a stronger jaw line and darker eyes. His hair is still spiky, even more now, but shorter than it used to be.

"I remember," he murmurs and turns his face away from my gaze.

"Good," His mother brushes off the awkward moment and continues. "This is the kitchen, down the hall is the bathroom you're going to use. Now, I'm going to go get something and then we'll show you your room." I haven't seen her this happy in ages.

She bustles off and Den finishes his soda. Cloud turns on the spot and inspects the kitchen it in detail. I suppose he hasn't seen one in years, but he looks at it as if it's completely foreign and new to him.

My hands clench around the package for a moment, I guess now is as good a time as any.

"Um..." My dry throat interferes with my words but I push my way through. "I got you something." I shove the package out in front of me and half close my eyes.

He doesn't take it, in fact he stares at my hands like they're attacking him. Why won't he take it? It's for him. We stay like that, me holding out the slim wrapped package and he staring at it like a foreign creature until Denzel hisses at me. "Put it down Tifa."

Oh, right, I kick myself mentally for forgetting. He won't take anything from your hands. He'll only pick up things if you're not touching them.

I place the present on the island and take a couple steps back just to be safe. He watches for a moment then reaches out and lifts it up.

"I know you don't like touching people," I babble while turns it in his hands. "I mean, I didn't know, but I thought maybe if you had something in between you and them then it wouldn't be so bad. So I got these for you." Shut up girl, you're not helping anything.

After a moment he slowly unties the string and pulls the pair of dark brown gloves out of the paper. God, this was a stupid idea, it'll never work.

He turns them over in his hands, fingers gently brushing the fine leather. I hold my breath, he's going to hate them. Maybe the leather is too much like skin.

There's a long few seconds while he inspects the gloves, then he flips them over and shoves his hands in. They flex a couple of times, working the fingers into the tips and he stares at them.

"Thank you." The words are soft and quiet, but relief floods through my body. Maybe they won't help but at least I made the effort.

I turn away from him and start bustling around the kitchen. It's my normal comfort activity, as long as I'm moving I won't be bothered by my thoughts. I can still feel him staring at me, but I pretend not to notice.

His hands reach out in the gloves and stroke the counter. There's no expression on his face but Denzel warned me about this. Den says that with the exception of his freak outs he never shows any kind of emotion. Maybe he only shows blank, but while both Den and I pretend to ignore him he continues to lightly touch every inanimate object he can find. I can only hope that this is a good thing.

Madeline comes back and smiles cheerfully at him. "Here you go." She puts a ring with two keys and a plastic chocobo key chain on the island. "The brass one is the key to the house, silver is your room."

We all watch as he inspects the keys the same way he did the gloves. His hand lingers a moment on the chocobo. It's completely inappropriate for him, well mostly, there is the hair... but the idea of him with a cute little yellow bird on his key chain just doesn't fit.

I understand what she's doing though. We all have trinkets like it. Dad has a Tonberry, Madeline a Moogle, Den a Cactuar and I have a small black cat with a crown and cape. She got them for all of us as stocking stuffers last year because she kept walking off with our key rings. This is her way of including him in the household.

He continues to stare at the keys for a moment while we hold our breaths, but in the end he just lets them hang from one finger.

"Alright, well," she coughs for a second. "Let's go out back and we'll show you your room."

Den turns in thinly concealed frustration and barges out the back door. I follow at a slower pace and leave Madeline to coax Cloud out the door.

We gather next to the steps and let him go up first. He opens the door and takes a couple of steps in. I rush up to the door after him, I want to see his face. I want this to be something he reacts to. It's a long shot and I know it but I still hope.

When I pause in the doorway he glances at me but doesn't do anything else. Madeline and Den soon join me but even that doesn't get a response. He just stands in the middle of the room and stares.

I feel my heart sink to my ankles. He doesn't care, all the work we put into it and it probably doesn't matter. The first room he's had in years.

The silence stretches thin like it has so many times today. Madeline is gripping the door frame with white knuckles and Den keeps tapping his foot.

In a movement that surprises us all Cloud takes three very determined steps to the book shelf and grabs his stuffed tiger. I almost flinch as he brings it eye level and stares at it. I hope he doesn't hurt it. Madeline would have a heart attack if he does.

The tiger gets about 30 seconds of his attention before he puts it back on the shelf with a small pat. His eyes follow the line of books and he cocks his head to the side to read the titles. "Where's the Heinlein books?"

The question is like a breath of fresh air. We all relax in a rush, it may not have been what I was hoping for but at least it was something.

"They're downstairs," Madeline breathes out in a rush and elbows Den in the side. "Go get the Heinlein books, honey."

Den blinks for a second, "Uh, yeah. I'll get them."

"What about this one?" Den calls at me, holding up a bright yellow shirt.

We're at the local mall trying to buy clothes for Cloud. He and Madeline stayed back at the house, thank God. We all know it's going to be a while before he'll be able to go out in public, so it's just me and Den.

I have no idea what to buy him. Does he want nice stuff, jeans and T-shirts, maybe even just functional? I asked, but he just blinked at me so I didn't push it. At least I got him to take the belt off so I could measure it and find out what size he is. It's just that I'm stumped.

As a kid Cloud was a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy. Oh, sometimes they were band shirts, but they were t-shirts all the same. We've still got most of them but there's no way they'll fit him now. They might fit Den but Cloud's filled out too much. I don't know what to get him.

I shake my head at Den and turn back to the rack. Nothing here seems right to me. I know, he's a boy so it's not like fashion matters much but I can't help myself. It just feels like he needs something specific.

I pick up pale blue button up shirt and finger the fabric thoughtfully. T-shirts don't seem right but neither do button ups. Same problem with slacks or jeans. Maybe... maybe some cargo pants. Those wouldn't be bad.

"Not that!" Den exclaims, interrupting my thoughts and pulls the button up out of my hand. "That's the same color as the Institute uniforms."

I blink and run a hand through my hair. "I just don't know what to get."

"It's not like he'll care." Den shrugs bitterly and tosses the shirt over the edge of a rack. "I don't see why we can't just Thrift it."

I sigh and roll my eyes at him. I started shopping at thrift stores several years ago and he ended up coming with me. Now the only thing we ever buy at an actual shop is shoes.

"I don't know if that's a good idea Den. You know how it's all hit and miss there."

"Come on Teef, these prices are outrageous and you don't like anything here."

I have to agree with him. Sixty dollars for a pair of jeans is way beyond what I'm willing to pay. But this is unusual for Den, he hates shopping anywhere. "Nothing seems right.."

He rolls his eyes at me. "I don't know why you're so worried. It's not like he'll care."

I give him a sidelong look and shake my head. "I know, I just want it to be special."

Den frowns and glares at the floor. "Yeah, spoil him why don't you?"

"Den," I tilt my head and pull him in for a one armed hug. "I know this is hard on you, really I do. We're not trying to play favorites or anything."

He shrugs off my arm and shakes his head. "Yeah, I know."

There's silence for a moment while I try to find some words for him. I know Den feels neglected, or punished or something, but it's hard to balance what he sees us do for Cloud with what Cloud needs. "Den..."

He waves a hand and turns away from me. "Don't worry about it Tifa. I'll live."

I shake my own head and watch him wander through the aisles. It's true, we're doing much more for Cloud than we usually would but it's more because we have to. It's not like I wouldn't do this for Den if he was in the same position but that's not how he sees it. Maybe I can find the extra money to get him something special next week.

It takes another forty-five minutes before I find things that I'm willing to buy, then we head home. Our haul consists of two pairs of black cargo pants, five turtleneck thermals, Den's find, two grey, two blue, and one purple. The purple is my fault but hey, I think he'd look good in purple. This is accompanied by the necessities like underwear and socks, which I thankfully let Den find, a belt and a pair of brown leather heavy duty boots that I just hope to god fit.

When we get back Madeline and Cloud are still in the kitchen. She's bustling around cleaning up from their lunch and he's actually sitting in one corner. I try not to stare at him again. It's like he just fills the room. He is a presence I'm not used to but it's more than that. Like no matter where he is my attention is entirely on him.

"Oh good, you're back." Madeline smiles and pulls a plate out of the fridge. "I saved some sandwiches for you from lunch. Did you find anything good?"

Den drops his bags and dives for the food like any growing boy. I follow but take the time to put the bags on the island. "I don't know. It'll work for now at least."

"What did you get?" She asks moving around the island for a better look. Cloud just sits and stares at us, no reaction. I guess that's going to be the normal from now on.

"Clothes." Den mumbles through a full mouth.

His mother sends a mock glare at him. "Don't be cheeky, and don't talk with your mouth full."

Den grabs a quick swallow of soda and shakes his head smiling at her. I pull open the nearest bag and start taking things out of their packaging. "Pants and shirts mostly. Just enough for the time being."

"Well we can get more later if we need to. I'm going out to do grocery shopping. Cloud honey," Madeline smiles at him over her shoulder. "What do you want for dinner?" He doesn't answer, but that doesn't seem to stop her. "I could do stir fry... or a casserole, you used to love my zucchini and cheese."

"Blech," Den grimaces.

"Just because you don't like it doesn't mean some one else doesn't, young man."

"Come on Mom, it's February. Where are you going to get zucchini anyway?"

"I have my ways." She smiles and ruffles his hair. "Now then, what do you want for dinner Cloud?"

Silence falls among us and I glance up from the bags. He hasn't moved. Not an inch that I can tell, but he's staring. Staring at her and Den like they're from another world. Maybe this is going to be harder than we thought.

The seconds stretch into minutes with all three of us staring at Cloud the Madeline clears her throat. "Well, I'll just grab what looks good and we can figure out what to make when I get back."

She turns back to the counter and grabs a dish cloth to clean and Den quickly buries himself in yet another book. Cloud's eyes swing to me as if he's still trying to understand where we're all from and why it's so foreign to him. I duck away from his gaze and start packing the de-tagged clothes back into bags.

It's almost like we're embarrassed. Embarrassed about being caught trying to play happy family or acting normal. We were all warned that his transition, especially this first few days, would be hard, but I don't think any of us really understood.

I know Madeline is convinced that if she can just keep him here then everything will go back to the way it was. I have to admit that I had the same hope in some ways. If he was fine then I wouldn't have to feel so guilty. I don't know what illusions Den had, if any, but he's just as disappointed as we are.

"Tifa hon," Madeline pulls the oven door open and shoves her thermometer into the casserole. "Would you go ask Cloud if he wants to eat with us?"

I glance over my shoulder at her and raise an eyebrow. I wonder why she's asking me and not Den. Or more likely, going to see herself. She looks up at me and I nod in agreement. "Sure, let me finish the salad."

I turn back to the cutting board to ruthlessly half and slice a tomato. With a few exceptions we've left him alone since she went to the grocery store. I took the bags of clothes out to his room and that was the last I saw. It's hard, extremely hard, not to be hovering over him. Both Madeline and I keep thinking up excuses to go check on him. One of us will look up and wonder something about him out loud. 'I wonder what Cloud would like to drink, should I go ask?' Then Den gives a snort from behind his book and we both know we're being difficult. It hasn't stopped Madeline from going and checking on him almost every hour though. I've held myself back, but I have to keep reminding myself that mothers take precedence.

My hands automatically slice and dice, then I lift the board and slide the tomato into the salad bowl. Maybe she doesn't want to go because she doesn't want to hear his answer. Once I finish the salad and wash my hands I go to ask my question. Outside is almost biting cold, the sun went down almost an hour ago and it's already frosting. The door to Cloud's room is wide open.

My heart panics, why would it be open? I run up the stairs expecting to find him mysteriously disappeared. God, what is Madeline gonna do if he's gone, but he's there.

I clutch the door frame and stare mouth open while he stares back at me. He's sitting, barefoot and shirtless on the bare concrete floor. I notice with only half a thought that he's rolled the black rug up and propped it in one corner. In his lap is the purple shirt Den and I bought him, half a sleeve hanging off his knee. What is he doing?

His eyes rest on me for a long second then he goes back to the shirt in his lap. His still gloved hands pick up the the shirt and he picks at the seam that's already half undone. I can see what he's doing now. He's carefully and methodically breaking each and every stitch that holds the sleeve to the shirt. On the floor there are two piles around him, one of shirts and one of sleeves. Why is he ripping the sleeves out of his shirts?

"Cloud," I hesitate, he doesn't even look up. "What are you doing?"

His fingers break another stitch, there's a long moment of silence and I take in his almost blue skin, it's freezing in here. "Taking the sleeve out." He finally answers tersely.

I take a few steps into the room and suddenly stop. I was going to go to him, I was going to touch him. I can't do that and I know it. I retreat to the door and inspect him again. I think his lips are going blue too. "Why?" I finally ask.

His hands stop pulling on the fabric and he blinks a couple of times. He doesn't answer thins time, just stares at his hand as if even he doesn't know why.

I hold my breath waiting for an answer until it hurts then let it out in a rush. Alright, fine he's not going to answer, I can deal with that right? I glance around at the freezing room and search for anything else to say. "Why is your door open?"

He blinks again but then returns to the shirt. "Cold."

Well of course it's cold, the door is wide open in the middle of February. "Yes," I agree. "It is cold. It'll be warmer if you shut the door."

He shakes his head faintly, alright. Well so much for anything resembling a conversation. Just ignore the things you don't understand and get it over with, I tell myself. "Your mom was wondering if you would like to eat dinner with us."

He breaks the last stitch and throws the sleeve onto the floor. Then he stands up and pulls the shirt on. I blink, well at least I was right about the purple, it does look good on him. Then he turns away from me and grabs a book off the bookshelf and starts scanning the summary on the back.

I sigh, no answer again, but I don't want to go back down there and tell Madeline that he won't come. "Cloud," I say to get his attention. "I know this must be… different for you. It's a lot to take in." His eyes don't leave the back of the book but something in his face tells me that he's listening. "Your mom is trying really hard, having you here really means a lot to her. If you really don't want to come down then she'll live, we'll all live. But it would be really nice if you just came down and had dinner for her sake."

He turns the book over in his hands once or twice then puts it back on the shelf. "I'll come."

I sigh in relief, thank God that got through. I give him a hesitant smile. "Good, we'll be ready in about ten minutes then."

He nods and I thankfully go back down the stairs and into the house. I'm glad that's over with. I want to help him, but I don't know what to do with him. It's hard to help someone you don't really know anymore.

Back inside Madeline is obviously waiting for me. She twists her hands around themselves and looks at me questioningly. "Well?"

"He'll be down in a little bit." I smile and pretend that all the strange things I saw up there didn't happen.

She smiles and turns back to the oven humming. In the corner Den peers over his book and glares. I try to give him a reassuring smile, but it doesn't work. Instead he just glares for a second then ducks back into his reading.

I shake myself and start laying plates out on the dining room table, one at the end and further away for Cloud. I never thought that this was going to be easy but after today I'm starting to realize that it's going to be a lot harder than I thought. This has been one hell of a first day.

I resurface again. What do you know, new chapter. Surprising isn't it.

Anyway school's out for the summer so I'm gonna try to get as much as possible done this time. We'll see how it goes but I'm hopeful.

The usual thanks to all my reviewers, Iskra revoir, ffanglewing, vLuna, and silverofahartless. You guys are wonderful. Plus a super amazing thanks to mom calling for sending me reviews that analyze my writing in ways I've never even thought of.

So here's to me hoping you guys like what I'm doing. See ya later and let me know what you think.

Palo