When I wake up, my body is so sore. I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep.
Where am I? I'm not in my room at Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason's.
The room I'm in is dark and the light that's coming in through the windows is red. I scoot over in the bed that I'm in. Seriously, where did I fall asleep at? And why am I...naked?
I stretch out and my bare breasts are exposed. I look over and Joe's asleep next to me.
Now I remember. A soft, satisfied smile spreads across my face. It was so amazing.
The way his body laid over top of mine and covered me, like a blanket. The way every time he entered me, he was rough but still so gentle. The way he kissed me every time we changed positions. And the way we finished each other off after every single round. I never thought something could feel so good.
I'll never tell him, but I'm so glad I waited. It really was special.
"Did you sleep well?" He leans up and wraps his arms around my bare waist. He kisses my temple where my thick, messy hair gathers in tangles.
I smile again and cover my exposed chest. "I slept fine."
"You're so beautiful." He strokes my legs. "Can I have a kiss?"
"Mhm." I nod and turn my head. He kisses me hard but still very soft.
He pulls away and strokes my hair. "Was it how you thought it would be?"
I shake my head. "It was better."
"You sure do know how to keep it interesting." He chuckles.
"...What do you mean?"
He kisses my temple another time. "You're just as good on top as I thought you would be."
I smile at his compliment. "Really?"
"Yes, really." He traces his fingers up my spine, which gives me the shivers.
"How many times did we do it?" I sigh dreamily. I feel like a princess right now.
"Oh...ten... Maybe thirteen. I lost count after seven."
"We did NOT do it thirteen times." I laugh and punch him in his side.
"We almost went through a whole 20 pack of condoms, babe." He pins me down and rolls on top of me.
"Damn. Maybe we did do it thirteen times." I laugh and kiss him on his lips.
"Told you so." He kisses me back.
"Are we gonna do it again?" I look up and ask him.
"...You're so crazy, you know that?" He kisses me on my cheek. "No. We're not doing it again. You're so crazy."
"Why not?!"
"Demi! Thirteen times!"
"It wasn't thirteen!"
"Let me count the used condoms, shall I?" He stands up from his bed, naked and all. "1... 2... 3... 4... You're laying on one. That's 5... 6...7...8...9...10...11...12...13... 14!"
"It wasn't 14! It was basically one big time, just split into parts!" I laugh and stand up too, looking for my clothes.
"How many times are you trying to make me cum in one day?! My dick's gonna fall off!"
"I'd sew it back on for you." I laugh.
"I'm going to take a bath. Are you coming with me?"
"Can we do it in the shower?!"
"Demi!"
"What?!"
"Stop being such a sex addict!" He picks me up. We're both naked.
"I've never done it before." I lie on his shoulder and he puts his hands under my butt.
"You're so nuts." He shakes his head and carries me to his bathroom. He turns on the water to his shower and we both step in together.
I get my hair wet to start off. "Why did we run through so many condoms?"
"I put a new one on every time I came." He kisses my cheek and washes his own hair.
"...I love you Joe."
"I love you too, Demi."
I sigh. "Today was amazing."
"I'm glad you enjoyed it."
I really did enjoy it. I can die happy now.
September 13, 2008
Dear Mom,
I finally did it. I lost my virginity.
I know you'd probably be mad at me for not waiting to do it, but mom it was amazing. And it was perfect. It was special for me, mom. He told me he loved me and I know that he really meant it. The way he looked at me, I could just tell. And the whole time, he made me feel like I was his everything.
I told Dallas about it on the phone earlier and she cried. I thought she was crying because she was disappointed, but she was crying because I'm growing up. She said she was happy that my first time was special. Mom, I really miss Dallas. I just want to hug her or something.
I still have to tell Selena. I want to tell her everything, so I've been waiting for her to get out of school to call her.
I feel a little bit better since being with Joe all day. I feel like everything could possibly be alright, but I'm worried that it won't last. I'm not 100% happy, but I'm not sad either.
Joe didn't notice the cuts on my wrist. I'm glad about that, because I really don't want to explain it to him. He told me that my body was beautiful, mom. And it kind of made me want to cry.
I think I've really fallen in love with Joe, but I'm not sure. I feel something for him, but I don't know if it's real love.
I feel okay enough to go to school tomorrow, too. I think school won't be so bad. I'd much rather have another day with Joe, though.
I'm actually surprised at how good sex felt. I thought it was going to hurt a lot. It didn't hurt that bad while we were doing it. It just felt really uncomfortable to have something inside of me. But then it started feeling so good and we kept going for a long time. We went through fourteen condoms. I'm a little sore between my legs now, but it's not painful.
I still feel like I need to go to a doctor, but I think that it can wait a little longer now. It's not that bad anymore, but I'm afraid that it will get that bad again.
Well, I'm gonna go now, mom. I have a lot to tell Selena about.
I love you.
Until next time,
Love always,
Demi.
I fold up my letter and put it into my lockbox. I get up and flop on my bed, grabbing my phone to call Selena.
Just as I find her contact, my phone bursts out into vibration, ringing. Selena's calling me.
I slide my finger and answer. "Hello?"
"I'm outside your house right now. I have your homework."
"Okay. Just walk right in. Nobody's home. Come upstairs to my room."
"Okay."
I hang up and put my phone down. I can't wait to tell her.
I hear her footsteps coming up the stairs and soon, she's standing in my room.
"Hey!" I say cheerfully, excited to tell her.
"Hey..." She says, confusion written all over her face.
"Guess what I did today!" I'm smiling so wide.
"Stayed in bed and ate soup?" She seems really confused.
"...No. I spent most of the day with Joe." I keep smiling.
"You what?"
"Spent the day with Joe? We just hung out and stuff and we finally -"
"I THOUGHT YOU WERE SICK!" She interrupts me, clearly about to cry.
"No... I just..." I try to explain.
"I THOUGHT YOU WERE TOO SICK TO GET OUT OF BED! TOO SICK TO COME TO SCHOOL! TOO SICK TO COME TO SCHOOL SO I COULD TELL YOU SOMETHING! YOU SAID YOU DIDNT WANT TO BE BOTHERED WITH ME BUT YOU WANT TO BE BOTHERED WITH HIM?!" She's screaming so loud at me.
"Selena... I..." I'm about to cry.
"I can see now that you're not sick. You'd rather just blow me off and hang out with your boyfriend! I blew...I blew off Nick to come over here and see how you were doing!"
"I'm... I'm sorry..."
"...Have fun with your homework. And don't bother texting me. Save the bear, too. For one day when you're actually sick." She throws all my books down on the floor and storms out of my room.
I sniff and blink once. Once I blink, tears just stream down my face. On my floor, there's a pile of books but what stands out the most to me is a mini teddy bear and a get well card.
I feel like shit.
I'm such a shitty best friend.
I sniff again, wipe my tears with the back of my hand and get up.
I walk into my bathroom and look in my medicine cabinet.
I grab it off the top shelf and shut my bathroom door.
My stomach churns as I make yet another brand new cut on my wrist.
Again, I scare myself at how easily I can go from bad to good.
It's just not normal to me.