Looks like I actually have to go to school today. I'm not looking forward to it. In fact, I'm absolutely dreading it.
I wake up at 6:30 in the morning to get ready. I'm late waking up, but it's a miracle that I woke up at all. I just don't want to go to school today. I don't feel up to it.
I yank on a pair of black yoga pants and a dark red Hollister hoodie. I'm not even putting a bra on today, that's how much I really just want to stay home and lie in bed. I know that if I ask Aunt Kathy if I can stay home, she'll say no.
It's probably going to be scorching hot outside today, but I can't wear short sleeves until tomorrow, whenever my freshest cut is a little bit older.
I really hope nothing bad happens today. Sometimes, I just get the feeling that something horrible is bound to happen. It's a feeling I get. Sometimes it's wrong, but most of the time it's right.
I slide on flip flops, don't comb my hair and walk downstairs. I even have on my glasses today. I know I look a hot mess.
"Good morning?" My aunt asks rather than says to me. She made scrambled eggs.
"Mornin." I mumble and sit down at the island, resting my head on my folded arms. My mind feels like it wants to go on a trip today. That's the scariest feeling in the world to me.
"You hungry?" She asks me, fixing my plate.
"I don't want eggs." I mumble.
"I want you to eat something before you go to school. What do you want? I'll make it for you." She puts her hand on the small of my back in a loving gesture.
"I'm not hungry. I'll eat a good lunch." I say robotically. That usually shuts her up when I don't eat breakfast, but not today.
"I don't care that you're not hungry, Demetria. I want you to eat." She says with a bit of attitude.
"Who shit in your wheaties?" I mumble again. I'm shocked that I just said that to her. I was thinking it, but I wasn't supposed to say it. How could I be so rude?
"Watch your mouth!" She pounds her fist on the island. "I can't deal with you anymore..." She slams down her dish towel and leaves the kitchen in a tizzy. I should apologize to her.
I feel so bad. I don't know what's the matter with me. I think this is the fourth day in a row that I made Aunt Kathy cry.
I still don't touch the plate of eggs she made me. I just get up from the island, grab my bag, my purse and head out the door.
She really doesn't need this, but I can't stop. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm scaring myself.
To my surprise, she actually walks out the door to take me to school. I keep my mouth shut. I don't want to do anything else to upset her.
She opens the car door and climbs into the driver's seat. She sniffs and wipes her eyes.
I know that I've REALLY hurt her, because she doesn't say another word to me the entire ten minute drive to school.
She pulls up to the drop-off section of the school and lets me out. "...Have a good day."
I don't say anything to her again. Instead, I slam the door when I get out. Why am I slamming things? She didn't do anything! I really need to cut it the fuck out. What is WRONG with me?
I keep my head down and walk into school. I wonder who I'm going to hang out with today in school since Selena's mad at me.
My mind is wondering again. It's so scary when it does this.
I wonder if Joe has to work today. I wonder if he'd come get me from school early if I asked. I don't want to go home. I can't go home. I don't want to face Aunt Kathy if I go home. I just don't want to be in school right now.
I wonder what heaven's like. Is it all rainbows and butterflies and soft clouds? Is it really up in the sky?
Or is it somewhere within the person's mind? Does everybody get a different version of heaven?
If so, I wonder what my mom's heaven is like. I wonder if her heaven is on stage singing like she used to before she had Dallas. I wonder if she's in her heaven taking care of Dallas's baby.
Is heaven like they say it is? Can she see me if she's looking down? Does she know what I'm doing... How I'm feeling?
If she's looking down on me, can she help me?
"Demi?"
I snap myself out of my thoughts. I'm in Carrison's class, and he is calling on me.
See how scary that is? When my mind wonders but my body is actually functioning. It's like I'm here but I'm not here.
"What's the answer to question 10 on last night's homework?"
I look at him, dazed. I don't want to talk today. I wish I could be left alone.
"It's alright if you don't know, Demi. I can help you figure it out if you just tell me the answer you got." He writes the problem down on the whiteboard.
I put my head down and let myself breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
"...Can somebody else tell me what answer they got?" Finally he leaves me alone.
I close my eyes. I just want to escape my thoughts. My scary, scary thoughts.
There was so much blood the last time. I really thought I was gonna die.
And my mom cried so hard when she found me. I think she thought I was gonna die too.
Then I spent the next two months of my life in a hospital. It didn't have padded walls or straight jackets like they have on TV. It was still a scary hospital though. I watched TV all the time, but I only got the boring channels. I wasn't allowed to have my phone or my MP3 Player. The only thing I could do was draw.
And every hour, the doctor would come in and give me a really painful shot in my back. And it was always hard to move, because they wrapped up my wrists, hips and my thighs. My mom would always bring me food so that I didn't have to eat the nasty hospital food.
And every Tuesday I had to talk to someone. I can't remember her name, but she wasn't nice. But she helped me a lot, because she would try different exercises with me.
She would make my mom mad though, because I never got a diagnosis. She would get so angry when they'd call me "mentally insane." My mom never thought I was crazy. And I still don't think I'm crazy...
Somehow I ended up in second period. My English teacher isn't in school today, so we have a substitute. We don't really have work to do, which makes me feel better because I wouldn't do it anyway.
I put my head down on the desk and try to escape my thoughts again.
I refuse to go back to the doctor. It would be a totally different doctor and it'd probably be a whole lot worse.
I'm sitting next to Selena and Nick in English. Neither one of them has said a word to me.
Or maybe they have said something to me, I just didn't hear them.
I'm gonna try to take a nap. I still feel like something bad is gonna happen.
September 14, 2008
Things are very, very bad.
I keep trying to think of the amazing day I had with Joe yesterday, but that's not enough to make me feel better.
Selena is mad at me. She's very mad at me. She hasn't spoken to me since yesterday. She thinks I blew her off for Joe. I guess I kind of did blow her off, but Joe sort of forced me to come with him. I couldn't have said no to him.
Anyway, it's bad mom. My mind is starting to wonder again. I thought about the doctors and what it was like. I never want to go back to the doctors again.
I keep making Aunt Kathy cry. I'm not meaning to do it. I keep getting smart with her. I really don't meant it mommy. I want to feel better but I don't want to go to the doctor without you. Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason don't know about me. I would have to explain to them that they have to bring me food, just like you did. They'd have to visit me everyday just like you and daddy did. They'd have to wait with me while I fell asleep. And they'd have to make sure the doctor doesn't give me too many shots. The only person that knows all this was you.
I guess now would be the time to tell you that I've been suspended from school until Monday.
Aunt Kathy cried to Uncle Jason about that too. She called me unappreciative and told me that I take advantage of them, because they don't have to take care of me. She told me that she regrets spoiling me the way she did because I'm ungrateful.
I'm not ungrateful or unappreciative. I just don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Something is seriously wrong with me, though. I know that.
One minute, I'm so happy. And I feel like in on top of the world. But the next minute, I feel like everything sucks and I want to die. It's really scaring me. I'm afraid of myself.
I felt really weird today, so I didn't want to take gym class. I asked the teacher if I could be excused from class for the day and make it up another day and he told me no. So I just took it upon myself to sit out. I sat on the bleachers in the gym and watched everyone else play dodgeball. The teacher came over to me and yelled at me and told me that I wasn't special. He even cussed at me and told me to get off my ass and participate.
I picked up a ball, threw it at his gut and told him to suck my dick. And I've been suspended and I might get a fine for assaulting a teacher.
Aunt Kathy says she doesn't know what to do with me anymore.
I feel so bad about myself anymore.
And I really wish Selena would talk to me.
I cut again when I came home from school, because Uncle Jason hit me.
It wasn't hard, but it was hard enough to bust my lip. He didn't hit me with his hands, though. He whacked me in the face with a dish towel for having a smart mouth, because I told Aunt Kathy it was none of her business why I wore long sleeves on a hot day. He was already angry with me for getting suspended, so I guess getting smart really set him off.
I heard them talking about sending me to live with grandma if I don't shape up.
I even heard Uncle Jason call Dallas. He asked Dallas if there was any way she could move off campus into an apartment and take me back. I don't think Dallas agreed.
I really hope Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason don't give up on me. Because I really love living here with them. I appreciate everything they've done for me.
And I'm starting to think that maybe it's time for me to tell them that I need to see a doctor.
Maybe they won't give up on me if they know how I feel inside.
If they knew that I can't help it... Maybe they'd understand a little more.
I really am sorry.
And I don't know if I can go on like this anymore.
Until Next Time,
Love Always,
Demi.