September 15, 2008
Things are still bad, mom. I don't think it can get any worse than what it is. It'd be real hard to get worse.
Aunt Kathy got mad at me because I haven't been talking since yesterday. I just don't want to say the wrong thing, mommy. I don't want to make them mad at me. I don't want them to kick me out.
Today, I talked to Dallas. She yelled at me a lot. She told me that I need to stop acting like a fool, because she doesn't want Aunt Kathy calling her up and asking to take me. Dallas said she can't deal with me either.
Then Daddy called me. He just told me he was disappointed in me. And he told me to shape up because if I get kicked out, it's my ass.
Then Joe called me and he really REALLY yelled at me for getting suspended from school. He screamed at me so loud and he was really mad at me. It was okay, because he called me back later and said he was sorry. He said he yelled because he was disappointed and he wants me to do good in school because he loves me.
I don't know what else to do mom. I'm disappointing everyone. I'm disappointing myself. And I can't stop cutting.
It's gotten so bad mom. So bad that I can't hold anything with my left hand without dropping it. It hurts too bad to flex the muscles in my hand.
All I do is cry anymore and I don't even know why I cry sometimes. Crying just seems like the right thing to do.
And all I want to do is sleep. Sleeping takes me away from all my thoughts. My thoughts are scary, mom.
I just really hope that Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason can hold out on me for a little bit longer. I'm trying to find the right words to tell them that I need to see a doctor.
I just hope they love me long enough to let me stay with them until then.
I really don't know anymore, mom. And I'm beginning to think that I'll never know. Selena hasn't spoken to me in two days. It's really starting to eat a me.
I just wish you were here.
At this point, I'm not sure if there will be a next time.
Love always,
Demi.
I check the time when I'm finished writing my letter. It's 5:45. Neither my aunt nor my uncle have been up to see me today. I guess that means they hate me.
I put my letter in the lockbox and sit down on my bed. I grab my sketchpad and a pencil and start drawing again. I want to draw my Aunt Kathy something nice to apologize, but I don't know what to draw her. Flowers are always nice, so I start off with a petal.
Just as I start to draw, my phone starts to ring. I glance over at the caller ID. If it's not anyone important to me, I won't answer it.
It's Selena. What could she want? To remind me again how bad of a friend I was? I answer the phone.
"Hello?" I nearly whisper into the phone. I don't want her to be too mad at me.
"...Hey... What's up?" She sounds mellow.
"...Nothing..."
"...I'm outside. I just walked over. I have some things for you..."
"Alright... I'll be downstairs to... Let you in." I sigh and hang up.
She doesn't sound mad at me anymore, but I'm not sure. It's hard to tell over the phone.
I get out of my bed, pull on a pair of basketball shorts and go downstairs to get the door.
"Demi, where are you going?" Uncle Jason asks me. His voice is hard, like it has been since yesterday when he smacked me with the towel.
"...Outside for a second."
"Don't even try it."
"I'm just... Grabbing some stuff off her. She brought me schoolwork." I slip on my flip flops. I think I'm informally grounded.
He doesn't say anything else to me. He lets me leave the house. I step outside on the porch with Selena.
"...How's your aunt and uncle taking your suspension?" She has a bag full of stuff and she sits down on the porch. I still hate her for being so fucking pretty.
"...They won't talk to me." I shrug. I sit down next to her, sure to keep my distance.
"That sucks..." She hands me a twizzler.
I put it in my mouth, take a bite and nod.
"...Sorry about the other day." She turns to me and looks at the ground. "I guess I was just being a bitch..."
"It's okay... I deserved it." I chew my twizzler.
"No you didn't." She shakes her head. "I was just moody... My period was coming."
"It's okay." I smile. I'm so happy we're at peace.
"...So..." She smiles so wide that her already chubby cheeks get chubbier.
I smile too. "So what?"
"What was it like?! Nick told me..."
"I was trying to tell you!" I keep smiling. "It was...amazing. Like...it was... Just perfect."
"Did you orgasm?"
Good question. "I...don't know."
"Did you get that fiery feeling? Like... That real amazing feeling?"
"And it kind of... I don't know... Felt like something was coming out if me." I shrug and laugh.
"You had an orgasm! I'm proud!" She laughs and offers me another twizzler.
I take it and chew on it. "What did you want to tell me?"
"Oh...it's really nothing anymore. I just... I had a pregnancy scare."
"You what?!" My jaw drops nearly to the floor.
"My period was all late and stuff and I was just like... oh shit. But then I got it like the next day."
"...What would you have done?!"
"I would've cried." She nods and smiles. "I would've bawled my eyes out and killed myself."
"Oh my god, Selena." I shake my head. "...That's crazy."
"I know..." She keeps smiling. "I'm really sorry about that. I shouldn't have been so mean to you." She looks me from head to toe, and I see her eyes catch on a specific part of my body.
I'm wearing a t-shirt with quarter-length sleeves. I slipped up...
"So...what did you bring me?" I say nervously, turning my arm so that my cuts aren't visible anymore.
"...Demi... Can I..." She starts. She holds out her arms to me.
"Can you what?" I sweep the cuts under the rug. I don't want her to know about them. Dammit, I fucked up.
"...Demi, do you... Do you hurt yourself?" She takes her hands away.
"...Sometimes. It's no big deal though."
"...Demi, I... It is a big deal. You could... Die."
"I know." I look down at the ground.
"I don't want you to die..." She looks at me with tears in her eyes.
"I'm not gonna die."
"...If you need to talk, please call me. I don't care how mad I am at you. Call me..." She grabs my heavily cut arm and turns it palm up so she can see the cuts. "You're my best friend..."
"You're mine too."
Then, she does something that makes me want to cry. Something that nobody has ever done before. Not even my mom. She brings my wrist up to her mouth and kisses it. "Will you try to stop?"
I shrug. "I could try..."
"Please try..."
I nod.
She clears her throat and speaks up again. "So uh... Do you want to go to that party tonight? At Alex's?"
"Sure... I don't know if I'll be able to, though. I'll have to ask."
"...Some fun will do you good." She stands up.
I stand up too. "I'll ask..."
"I brought your homework. And your art project is done. Mrs. W. said you got a 106 on it."
"Thanks..." I grab the bag she brought. "If I can go... I'll text you. Are you gonna come pick me up?"
"Yeah. I'll come grab you around...7."
"Okay. I'll text you if I can come."
"Alright. Bye Demi."
"Bye Lena." I open the door and go back in the house.
I take the bag of stuff that Selena brought me into the kitchen and dump it out on the island. My aunt is cooking dinner.
"Is that homework?" She asks me, stirring something in a pot.
"Yeah..."
"Get it done before Monday."
"I will."
I look at my art project. The different shades of yellow worked out beautifully. The melted crayon art is actually really neat.
"...I made this in art class..." I say.
She turns around. "Oh yeah? That's really cool. Are those crayons?"
"Yeah... We melted them."
"That's cool, kiddo..."
"...I want you to have it..."
"Really?"
"Mhm... If... If my mom was here... I'd give it to her. But she's not here. So you're the next best thing..."
She leans forward and hugs me tight. "Thanks, honey."
"You're welcome." I sigh. "There's a party tonight... Can I go?"
"You know you're grounded..."
"I know." I poke my lip out. "It was worth asking."
She keeps hugging me. "You can go if you want...be home by 11:30 though. No compromising."
"...Deal." I smile. "I love you, Aunt Kathy."
"I love you too, Demzy."
I smile again. Right now would probably be a good time to tell her I need to go see a doctor.
But I'll tell her some other time.
I promise.
"Does Joe know you're going to a party tonight?" Selena asks me as we're on the way to Alex's.
"Yeah, I told him. He said he didn't care, but he told me to call him when I get home from it." I fix my hair as we ride. It's so easy to talk to Selena around her mom, because Miss Mandy is cool like that.
"He's not coming?"
"No."
"Nick's already there. He said people are just sitting around and stuff."
"Oh..."
"Selena, I'll be back to get you two around 11. You better be ready." Miss Mandy says as she pulls up to the house.
It's dark outside, so it's hard to see anything. But it looks like there's lights in the big house.
"Alright." Selena says as she steps out the car.
I step out the car too and look at her outfit. "You look so cute..." I say.
"Your outfit is cute too."
She's dressed in really short jean shorts and a red lace shirt that shows her bra.
I have on short jean shorts with a green tye-dye half shirt. My hair is in a curly side ponytail.
"I love your belly ring so much, Demi." She touches it.
I smile. "Lets just get in."
We both walk around the back and we meet Nick.
"Hey babe." Nick says to Selena. He's holding a red SOLO cup. He kisses her on her lips.
"And hey Demi." He waves at me.
"Hey Nick." I wave back.
"What are you drinking?" Selena asks him.
"Jungle juice." He says. "Want a sip?
Selena takes his cup. "...mmmm. I want my own cup, though."
"Alright come on." He turns and walks in through a backdoor.
Both me and Selena follow him through the door. I think we're in a very large basement.
The lights are off and the only lights that are on are multicolored strobe lights.
"You want a drink too Demi?" Nick asks.
"Yeah." I nod. I can hardly hear him over the loud music playing.
A few people are dancing, but people are mostly just sitting around and drinking. I smell some weed. I want a little bit of it.
I look around. I recognize some of the people from school. There's Lacey, Alex, Cody, bitch Amanda, some kid from my english class, Paul... And that's all I really recognize. There has to be about a hundred people here though.
"Here." Nick hands me a red SOLO cup and he hands Selena one too.
Selena takes a long sip of hers.
I tilt my cup up to my lips and sip it too. It's very strong. I can tell it's alcohol.
I've never drank before.
I take a seat beside Nick and Selena on a couch. I keep sipping my drink. It's fruity. It tastes like fruit punch with a hint of alcohol.
On the other side of me, Cody sits down. I don't pay attention to him and he doesn't bother me.
And that's really all there is to it.
"Nick, I'M SERIOUS! CALL JOE!" I hear Selena scream. Why is she screaming? What happened?
"Do you want me to find her clothes or call Joe?!" Nick's voice is panicky but somewhat annoyed.
"CALL JOE!" She screams again. "EVERYONE GET OUT OF HERE!"
I think I'm hearing this right. Then again, my hearing is a little bit fuzzy. I can't feel my legs or my arms.
Did something happen to me? Why is she telling Nick to call Joe? And why is Nick finding my clothes? Oh my god, what did I do?
"WHERE ARE HER SHOES?!" She strokes my face softly. "EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT!" I think I feel one of her tears fall down onto my cheek.
Why does she keep yelling? She's hurting my ears. And why is she crying? I open my eyes slightly. The light is so bright. I have a pounding headache. I really feel like I just got hit by a bus.
Why am I laying on Selena? Why am I laying with my head in her lap?
"NICK, FIND ME HER SHOES AND CALL JOE. IM NOT EVEN KIDDING!"
"I already called Joe. He won't answer. Her shoes are right here. Me and Alex are gonna go look for..." My hearing goes fuzzy before I can hear who Nick and Alex are looking for.
"I'm gonna fucking kill him. She already stopped breathing twice! WHERE IS THE AMBULANCE!?" Selena is hysterical at the moment.
"Demi... Demi." She shakes me. "Don't stop breathing again... Please..." She strokes my face again. "I'm sorry Demi..."
I feel so sick. What the fuck even happened... My head feels like I'm banging it off a wall. I don't feel good...
"Selena, here's her phone... I can't... I can't find him. I'm helping Nick and Alex look..." Another voice says.
I feel like I'm losing conscience. I don't know who's voice it is or where I even am at this point.
"Thank you, Lacey." Selena moves slightly and grabs something. She sniffs and pulls something on my waist. I think she's fixing my underwear.
I just rest my head in Selena's lap. I feel like I'm dying. I really feel like I'm dying.
"NICK, FIND ME HER PANTS!" Selena screams again, sobbing. "Please don't die, Demi..." She sniffs.
It sounds like the party is over. There is no music playing. It's dead silent.
"H...hello?" It's only until just now that I realize how hard Selena's crying. She's hiccuping and she's just hysterical. "Are you Demi's aunt? This is... This is Demi's friend, Selena."
She's talking to Aunt Kathy? Can I talk to her?
"I don't know, I don't know what happened but... Demi's really bad. We called an ambulance and stuff. Yeah... This guy..."
I think I black out again, because I can't see or hear anything. I really need to know what happened.