September 23, 2008
Dear Mom,
Sorry I haven't written in a while. I know, it's been a very long time. So much has happened, though. And not all of it has been good. Most of it has been bad.
I'll start with the good thing first. The good news is that Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason found out that they're having a boy. Aunt Kathy brought home ultrasound pictures yesterday, and I got to see his little thing. It's weird to see. I also got to see his profile. He has chubby cheeks. They still don't know what to name him.
That's the only good thing that came out of the last few days.
I'll start with the terrible things now.
I went to a party at my friend (associate) Alex's house. At the party, I drank a little bit, then I got tricked into drinking some more. I drank a whole lot, and I passed out. And I guess I was raped.
Words cannot describe the amount of shame I feel, mommy. I'm embarrassed, ashamed and guilty.
I just got to come home from the hospital three days ago. I was in there for four days straight.
The first day, I couldn't drink or eat anything, because they were getting my blood alcohol count down. I was very hungry, but my throat hurt way too bad from all the tubes they stuck down it.
The second day, they worked on my liver. I had to drink this nasty water stuff that made me pee. The doctor gave me four shots in my liver to make sure it was functioning okay. I got to take a shower after that, and it hurt really bad. My butt hurt and so did my crotch. The shower felt good on my achy body, but everything else just hurt. I'm guessing that I have cuts down there, because the soap burned badly.
The doctor gave me a pregnancy test and an STD screening. I think that was the most degrading thing. Hoping that I wasn't pregnant by the person who raped me. Everything came back okay, though. The burning was from cuts and tears I had down there because I wasn't wet whenever he had sex with me. Apparently, if you're not wet enough for sex it can cause you to tear. I didn't know that.
The third day in the hospital was when I was able to eat and drink. I couldn't keep anything down, though. I threw up so much food that my body wasn't absorbing the nutrients. The doctor said that I threw it all up because my stomach was still messed up from all that alcohol.
The fourth day, I had to discuss some things with a different doctor. This doctor recommended me to another doctor that's more local. She was very interested in why I cut. She gave Aunt Kathy tips on how to prevent my cutting. I don't have any razors in my bathroom anymore.
The whole time in the hospital, only six people came to visit me. Aunt Kathy, Uncle Jason, Dallas, Selena, Nick and Joe.
I was so excited to see Dallas, mom! She looks like she's doing great. She's lost a bunch of weight though. She says she spends most of her time at the gym on campus, because she didn't want to gain "the freshman fifteen." She didn't stay all four days, though. She stayed for two days & she bought me a blanket from Texas. It's orange with the Longhorns logo on it. It smells like her, so I sleep with it.
Selena couldn't see me for three days, so she came on the fourth day. On the fourth day, she came and saw me and she was crying. She apologized to me a bunch of times and I had to keep telling her that it was okay. She brought me some new pajamas so that I'd be comfortable while I was in the hospital. I don't blame Selena for what happened to me.
Joe brought me a teddy bear named "Boo Boo."
Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason approve of Joe. They say that they really like him. I'm glad about that.
I still don't know what's gonna happen with my rape case. I know that Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason have already opted to press maximum charges on Cody, but nothing's happened so far. He has a hearing next Monday, and I'm supposed to go and sit in on it.
It's been a little over a week since it all happened. I haven't been to school in the last week, including my suspension days. I don't think any of my teachers are too mad at me for missing so much school.
Selena's been bringing over my work so that I don't fall too far behind. Every time she brings me an assignment, she has a new card with her. So far, I have one card from Lacey, one card and a flower from Alex, one card that all of my homeroom signed for me, a personal card from Carrison and a card from Cody's parents. Aunt Kathy threw that card away, though.
Aunt Kathy wants me to be mad, but I'd rather just forget. I don't want to have any memories of that night. I want to get over it.
I haven't been allowed out of the house, either. I don't really mind not being allowed out, because I feel terrible anyway. I still feel like I have a hangover, and I can taste the alcohol in my throat. I'm hoping it'll go away in good time.
Since I'm not allowed out the house, Aunt Kathy is ordering pizza for me, Selena, Nick and Joe.
I'm looking forward to having company. I've been holed up in the house since it happened.
Selena has school, so she hasn't been over much. Nick has school too, and Joe has to work.
The days that Joe doesn't work, he comes over and sits with me until Aunt Kathy comes home from her doctor's appointments or Uncle Jason comes home from work. They don't mind that Joe comes over. They like that I'm not home alone.
Needless to say, Joe and I haven't had sex anymore. Joe doesn't even touch me like that anymore. I don't mind. I'm not really into sex. It's just not appealing to me anymore.
When Joe comes and sits with me, we watch movies, one of us makes breakfast or lunch, we talk and we play on the Wii. It's nice to have company. I wonder how long I'm taking off school. I wonder when I'll go back. Aunt Kathy said that there's no rush.
So, yeah. That's what's been on lately.
I could really use you right now, mom.
I love you.
Until next time,
Love always,
Demi.
I lock my letter up in my box and get out of my chair. It still hurts sometimes whenever I move the wrong way. It still hurts whenever I pee. The only relief I feel is when I'm in the shower. My body is feeble and my stomach still doesn't feel like it's fully recovered.
I go downstairs to wait for my guests to arrive.
Lately, Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason have been treating me well. They haven't said anything about my cuts, but when I'm talking to them, I notice their eyes wonder down to my wrist. I was told to give the cuts oxygen so they could scab over properly.
"Hey Demi..." Aunt Kathy rubs my arm as soon as I sit down on the couch next to her. "How you feeling today?"
"Yucky." I admit.
"Yucky? Your stomach bugging you still?" She massages the sore spot in my arm where all my IVs were.
"Yeah..."
"Doctor said that it'll go away..." She kisses my hand. "When's your company coming over?"
"Around...6."
"You been thinking of names for the baby?" Uncle Jason puts his feet up on the coffee table and asks me.
"Ignatius." I chuckle.
"What did you say?!"
"Igg. Nayy. Shuhs. Ignatius." I repeat with another laugh.
"I'm not naming my baby Ignatius, Demi." Aunt Kathy laughs.
"I was joking." I lean forward and grab a mint off the coffee table. "But what about Joshua or something..."
"Josh is cute." She nods. "We like Noah too."
"I like Noah. Noah could work." I give my approval as if they need it.
"Is Joe coming over too?" Uncle Jason raises his eyebrows.
"Yes..."
"He's a good kid." Aunt Kathy says, benevolently and approvingly.
"I know he is..."
"Don't forget to call your dad later. He called while you were sleeping. He's been trying to check on you."
"I'll call him..." I keep forgetting to call him. It keeps slipping my mind.
"...Can I see your arm?" Aunt Kathy just buts in. She says it nicely, though. As if she's very concerned.
I hesitate. That's one of my biggest secrets. But what the hell, she knows already.
I overturn my left arm and show her my wrist.
She runs her fingers softly over the cuts. "...You do this cause your mom's not around?"
I shrug.
"Your dad told us this isn't your first time with this..."
I shrug again.
"Do you want to go talk to somebody?"
I shake my head.
"...I'm gonna keep an eye on this, honey. If they don't get any better, I'm gonna have you talk to someone. Okay?"
I nod.
"I don't want to see anything bad happen to you, Demi. You know that, right?"
I nod again.
She leans in and kisses me on my cheek while hugging me. "Because I love you very, very much. And I don't want you hurting yourself any more. Okay?"
"...Okay."
I love my aunt. I love my aunt so much. I don't want her to take my mom's place, but she's a very good substitute. And calling her "Aunt Kathy" is getting to be a mouthful.
"Aunt Kathy?" I look up at her, lying on her shoulder.
"Yes, Demi?"
"...What do I call you?" I look away from her. "Instead of Aunt Kathy... But not mom."
"...Whatever you feel comfortable with, honey."
I sigh. "...You're not my mom. But you feel like her... But I don't want to call you mom..."
"...You know how your great grandma and your great grandpa... My grandparents are from Italy?" She starts caressing my arm.
"Yeah.. Don't they still live in Sicily?"
"Yes ma'am." She smiled at how I know that. "Did you know your mom and me used to go to Sicily once every summer to visit our grandparents?"
"No... You guys did?" That's so cool. I want to go to Sicily.
"Yes we did." She nods. "And we always called our grandma and grandpa nonna and nonno. Because they spoke fluent Sicilian. You know what we called our aunts and uncles?"
"No..."
"Zio and Zia. Zio is uncle. Zia is aunt. If its easier for you... You can call me Zia. My other niece calls me Zia."
"Zia." I try it out. "Zia would be good..." I nod.
I think I'll try to start calling Aunt Kathy my "Zia."
Aunt Kathy is just too much of a mouthful.