September 24, 2008
Dear Mom,
Is it possible to forget every bad thing that's ever happened to you? Is it possible to just run away from it all? Is it possible to just... not feel?
I don't want to feel anymore. I hurt too much. I used to think that losing you was the end of the world. And in many ways, it still is the end of my world. I wish I still had you here.
I just want to forget about losing you. I want to forget about how bad this hurts.
I also want to forget about the rape. I want to feel better. I want to get back what he's taken from me. I feel like he changed what I am. I'm not myself anymore. I can't get over it.
Everyone keeps asking me what happened. On Facebook and stuff, they ask me. I don't really want to talk about it.
Today, Aunt Kathy has to go to a few doctor's appointments and she has to run some errands. Uncle Jason is at work, so Joe is coming over. That's the only reason I'm up so early is to let him in the house when he gets here.
I love Joe. I love him because he didn't abandon me. I can still lean on him for support, which is the most important thing to me.
I'm going to leave now. I think Joe's here. I just heard a car pull into the driveway.
Until next time,
Love always,
Demi.
I get out of my computer chair and look out the window. Sure enough, Joe's car is parked in the driveway.
I dash downstairs to go meet him. I unlock the door and open it up for him. He's dressed in red plaid pajama pants, a white t-shirt and slippers.
"Hey beautiful." He smiles and walks inside the house. I shut the door behind him.
"Hey..." I'm in a long t-shirt and my underwear.
"Did you sleep well?" He kisses my cheek and gives me a tight hug.
"Mhm." I nod while lying on his chest.
"What do you wanna do today? He strokes my hair, babying me.
I shrug. "I don't know... I'm tired..."
"You're still tired?" He kisses the top of my head. "You want to go lie down for a couple hours? Until...9:30? Then we can eat. And watch movies..."
I nod. "I wish we could go somewhere..."
"You're aunt and uncle don't want you out the house, baby." He rubs my back. "I don't want you out of the house either."
"I know."
"Let's go lie down. Come on." He holds my hand and leads me upstairs. I follow him to my room and lie in my bed with him.
"You gonna go to sleep?" He kisses my cheek and rubs my back.
I lie on his chest and close my eyes. "Yes..."
"Sleep well baby girl." He rubs my back softly. "Do you feel better?" He whispers.
I shrug.
"You still hurting?" He slides his hands up my shirt and rubs my bare back.
I nod.
"When you wake up... We'll take a bath. Get you to feel better down there." He kisses the top of my head.
I nod.
"What about your stomach baby girl? That still hurting?"
I nod.
"...Take a nap, okay? I love you. Just rest."
"Okay..." I whisper.
"I'll never let anyone hurt you again... You hear me?"
I just nod.
He keeps rubbing my back.
"...Are you mad at me for getting drunk?" I ask him.
"Of course I'm not. I've been drunk too, babe."
"...Well I thought you'd be mad that you're not my only anymore..."
"Don't... Don't think about that, baby girl. Don't..." He kisses my cheek. "I'm just glad that I... I was first."
"Me too." I rub his chest. "I'm glad you took my virginity..."
"Go to sleep, Demi. You need your rest."
"...Okay." I close my eyes and rest on his chest. I rest very well on Joe's body.
As I sleep, I begin to dream. I hate dreaming anymore. Because every time I dream, it's about the same exact thing.
The thing I'm trying to get away from.
I can't wake up, so I'm stuck dreaming about it.
Cody is lying on top of me, sweaty and shirtless. It's so hot in this bathroom that I think I'm melting.
My stomach is burning so bad that I feel the throw up rising deep in my throat. My legs are open wide, but I want to close them so badly. I can't close them when his pelvis is crushed between mine.
"Damn..." He mumbles in my ear. He positions his hands on either side of my body and looks down at me. The look on his face is a cross between pleasure and excitement. He has a slight smile and his eyebrows are raised as if he's surprised.
"Lemme go..." I beg him. By this time, I'm over screaming. My throat is burning and my voice is nearly gone.
"Uhhhh... Fuuuck..." He plunges himself deep inside me. It's like he's burying shame as well as his penis inside me.
I don't ask him to stop again. Instead, I lean my head to the side and cry. I'm slowly losing consciousness, and I wish it would fully be gone already so that this will all be over.
"So tight I'm barely going all the way in..." His smile grows wider. It feels like he's ramming a pole inside of me. A cold, icy, hard, sharp pole.
"Please stop... Please..." My consciousness is fading away at a steady pace. Between my legs, I feel myself losing feeling.
He stops moving and looks down at himself inside of me. "You're bleeding? Oh shit, you're a virgin?" He laughs a haunting laugh. Almost as if he's amused by my blood.
I shake my head. I'm not a virgin. I've had lots of sex with Joe. I don't know why I'm bleeding, if I actually am bleeding. What I do know is that this hurts. It hurts so bad. It never hurts this bad when I have sex with Joe.
Suddenly, something fills me up. Warm, oozy, gooey and probably white. That's the only thing I feel below my waist.
I think he's done, because he pulls out and gets off me. I lie there on the cold floor, ashamed, defeated and extremely embarrassed. He took me. I'm not Demi anymore. I'm less than myself.
In a cruel fashion, he decides to humiliate and take my humanity some more. Just as I thought he was done, he grabs me by my waist, effortlessly picks me up and turns me on my stomach.
I cry softly, but very loud. Like a five year old wailing because she can't find her mom in a supermarket.
He roughly shoves himself inside of me from the back. This definitely hurts worse than the front. It's sore and sharp pain at the same time. I'd do anything to make him stop. Anything...
"DEMI!" My head jolts back and forth. Ouch.
"What?" My voice comes out like I'm crying. My cheeks are wet. I'm crying?
"Calm down... Calm down..." Joe holds me tight and strokes my sweaty hair. He rocks back and forth with me in his arms. "It's okay..."
"Okay?" I sniff. I didn't even realize I was crying.
"It's okay... It's okay baby." He keeps rocking me back and forth and rubbing my hair.
I look at his arms. They're holding me so tight that his muscles are bared. His shirt is soaking wet. Was I crying?
"He won't hurt you no more. I won't let him..." He strokes my cheek. "I love you..."
"Joe..." I call his name, specifically because I can. I'm still a little bit disoriented from my dream too.
"It's me, baby... It's me." He kisses my cheek.
I sniff again.
"...Are you still tired?" He speaks to me softly and keeps rocking me back and forth.
I shake my head.
"You want to take a bath? And grab something to eat?"
I nod.
"Alright. Come on, love." Slowly, he lets me go and gets out of the bed. I follow him to my bathroom.
As if he lives here himself, he starts the bath water and puts a little bit of bubble bath into it.
He helps me undress my body as if I can't do it myself. He holds my hand and helps me step in. I lean back and relax.
"Did you have a bad dream about it?" He undresses himself too, ready to get in behind me.
I just nod and make room for him.
He climbs in behind me and lets me lean back against him. He rests his hands on my stomach.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He rubs bubbles all over my breasts. "Sometimes it feels better to talk about it."
I shake my head and close my eyes.
He doesn't say anything else. He keeps rubbing the bubbles all over my chest, massaging my breasts. They're still sore from being bitten.
"...I thought he was gonna kill me." I admit. I've never admitted that to anyone. I don't like looking so defenseless.
"But he didn't, beautiful. He didn't..."
"I started bleeding and I just felt horrible..." I sniff and shake my head.
"...You bled?" I guess he didn't know that.
I nod.
"...Why'd you bleed?"
"The doctor said it was because I didn't have proper lubrication. And all the friction caused me to tear."
"Baby..." He rubs my shoulders. "It's okay now."
I just nod. I know that it's okay.
I hold his hand and he holds mine. He strokes my knuckles with his thumb and turns my hand palm up. I don't think anything of it.
"Oh my... GOD." His eyes are wide and unchanging as he stares at my left wrist.
I nearly jump out of my skin pulling my arm away from him. "What..."
"What did you do?!" He exclaims, grabbing my wrist again.
"Nothing..."
"You cut?!"
"It's not a big deal."
"Not a big deal?! NOT A BIG DEAL?! Demi! How STUPID..." This is the first time I've ever seen Joe truly cry. He's always so strong for me. He's broken right now.
"...It's just a few cuts.. They're healing..." I try to make him feel better.
"Demi, no..." He sniffs and holds his hands over his eyes. "No, no, no, NO."
"I'm stopping... I'm stopping..." I want him to stop crying. Please don't cry.
"Don't do that, baby girl. Don't do that. You're worth... So much more. There are other ways..."
"You don't understand what I've had to deal with, Joe..." I try to defend myself.
"What could you possibly have to deal with that's so bad? Because of the rape, I can see. But there are old ones, Demi. Old ones..." He shakes his head.
"You don't know the half of it.."
"Then tell me! I really want to understand why you feel the need to hurt yourself."
"It's everything! My mom got the cancer then my dad started falling apart then my mom died and all my family still lives in Texas and here I am in Florida..." I sniff and start sobbing. I've never told Joe the full story of why I'm here. He never asked, so I never told.
"...Your mom's dead?"
"Why do you think I'm not living with her?... It's because she's dead..." I sniff. "She was the only person that ever understood me and now she's dead..." I wipe my eyes. "She told me it was just like those times when she would leave us for a week or two to go on tour and sing..." I shake my head. "But it's different, because she's not coming home this time."
"..." Joe just doesn't say anything to me after that. He just reaches out and holds me tight. Sometimes, that's all you can say.
"I just want all the pain to go away... That's all..." I hiccup.
"...I know... Babe. I know..." He kisses my cheek. "I know you want the pain to go away..." He rubs my arm. "But sometimes...that doesn't take away your pain... It just adds to it..." He kisses my cheek. "You think it's taking your pain away, but it's making it so much worse."
"How could you possibly know that?" I wipe my tears away and look at him.
He doesn't say anything. Instead, he pulls his arm out of the water and turns his arm palm-side up to me. On his left wrist, there are no fresh cuts. But there are scars upon scars. Scars that look like they belonged to pretty deep cuts.
"It doesn't help... It just makes it suck more...because you'll feel guilty after doing it."
I just stare at his wrist. Oh my god...
I wish I could've been his savior. I wish I could've been his strength, his supporter, his shoulder to cry on when he needed it.
I wish I could've been to him what he is to me now.