October 1, 2008

Dear Mom,

Sorry I haven't written in a while. It's been all too much.

The court hearing went... interesting. I fainted, and I don't remember much that happened before that. When I woke up from my fainting spell, I was back in the hospital. This time, I only had to stay for three hours. Nothing happened much at the hospital. The doctor just told Aunt Kathy to make sure I eat real good and make sure that I get good rest. I've been eating good and resting good for the last week. That's why I haven't written.

Cody got a year in juvenile and three years probation, and when he turns eighteen, he has to register as a sex offender. I don't know how I feel about his sentencing.

I actually got out of the house yesterday. I went to Dairy Queen with Selena and Nick. Joe was working. I had fun, but I could've done without them asking me what happened at the hearing the whole time.

After I got back from Dairy Queen, Joe came over. He brought me breadsticks from the pizza place he works at in the mall.

I don't know how Joe makes time for me. He has two jobs and he goes to school. I must be important to him. He's in college to study Child Psychology, which I think is cute.

Today is Sunday, and I really don't know what I'm doing. I probably won't do anything but sit in this house today. I guess I don't mind sitting i the house. It's a long shot that Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason will let me out again.

On a nice note to end with, I've slowed down with cutting. I haven't done it in two days now, and the last time I did it, I only did it once. Are you proud of me?

Until next time,

Love always,

Demi.

I'm hungry, and it's only 11:30, so Aunt Kathy won't be making lunch for another hour. Time to go raid the fridge.

I get up from my desk and head downstairs. I'll probably make myself a hot pocket or something.

I walk past my uncle lying on the couch and into the kitchen. Aunt Kathy is putting away groceries.

"Hey kid... What do you want for lunch?" She asks me. She puts a bag of hot wings into the freezer.

"I don't know... But I'm hungry." I look in the cupboard for something to snack on. I settle for a bag of Doritos.

"I'll make some chicken patties and waffle fries. That good?" She pulls out a cookie sheet and the bag of waffle fries.

"Sounds good." I sit at the island and tear open the Doritos.

"And I was wondering if you would help me with something..." She keeps emptying bags.

"Depends on what it is..." I shove two Doritos into my mouth.

"I'm having a weird pregnancy craving... And I was wondering if you'd help me make it..."

"What is it?" I sip my Capri Sun.

"Will you help me make some dirt?"

"Dirt?"

"Dirt. You know... With the Oreos and the pudding..."

"Oh! Dirt... Sure. I'll help." I get up from the stool and walk over to her. She sets out Oreos, cream cheese, vanilla pudding, milk, powdered sugar and butter.

"You crush up the cookies for me. Okay?" She hands me two packages of Oreos.

I use a meat tenderizing mallet and hammer on the cookies.

Aunt Kathy starts laughing at me, "Demi! Put the cookies in a plastic bag before you crush them up!"

I laugh too. "Oh..." I put the cookies in a Ziploc bag.

Silently for a while, we sit and cook together. I crush up the cookies and she mixes the other ingredients together.

Finally, Aunt Kathy speaks up, "So what's going on for today? Are you just gonna chill out here with us?"

"I kind of want to see Joe today... But he's working. So I'll probably just sit here..."

"Why don't you invite Selena over?"

"It's her and Nick's anniversary thingy today, so she's busy."

"Oh... Well... If you can find something to do... It wouldn't hurt to get out of the house for a little while..."

"Yeah..." I finish crushing the Oreos. I grab my phone from the pocket of my basketball shorts. "I'll be back, Aunt Kathy." I go outside and sit down on the patio.

Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason's backyard is enormous. There's a huge in-ground pool, but it's dirty and hasn't been open in a really long time. I'd like to ask them to reopen it.

I collapse into a hammock and unlock my phone. I call Joe.

"Hey beautiful." He answers.

"Hey..." I cross my legs in the hammock.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing... Just... Sitting here. When are you going to work?"

"I gotta work at 12:40... I get off at 5."

"I wanna see you today..." I sigh.

"I wanna see you too, babe. But I'm working..."

I sigh. "...What are you doing after work?"

"I have class until 7..."

"Okay... Guess I'll see you tomorrow."

He pauses for a moment on the other end of the phone. "...You wanna come to work with me?"

"I can't come to work with you..."

"Yes you can, babe. You can come. As long as you don't sit around, my boss won't mind."

"...Are you sure?"

"I'm positive. If you want to see me, you can come to work with me. I wanna see you too, baby."

"Okay..."

"Hurry and get ready. I have to leave soon."

"Okay." I hang up the phone and go back inside the house. "Aunt Kathy?"

"Yes, Demi?" She's spreading the crushed up cookies over the mixture she made.

"Can I go out for a few hours with Joe? I'll be back around 5..."

"Where are you going?"

"To the mall..."

"...Alright. Just leave your phone on..."

"I will." I promise her.

Ever since that night, Aunt Kathy makes sure that I have my phone on at all times. I think she worries a little too much, but it's nice that she cares.

I take my phone off vibrate, just to be sure that I actually do it. It's the least I can do for her.

"You know nothing about making pizza... Let me show you how it's done..." Joe nudges me to the side.

"Oh, come on! How hard can it be to just lay sauce over crust?" I step aside and watch him.

He uses a spoon and spreads the sauce over the pizza. Did I mention how cute he looks in his uniform? Red is a nice color on him.

"Oh please." I laugh. You're not even doing a good job. I can make better pizza than that."

"The goal is to sell the pizza, Demi. Not kill people because your pizza is so nasty."

"Bet you my pizza is better than yours."

He sprinkles cheese over the pizza. "I remember the first time I saw you here..."

"Do you? I remember it too..." I sit down next to an oven.

"You ordered pizza and breadsticks..." He plasters pepperoni all over the pizza and pops it in the oven.

"You remember what I ate?"

"I remember everything about you." He sits next to me and kisses my cheek.

"I can't believe you're letting me be at work with you..." I look around. The kitchen part of the pizza place is so small that only me and Joe can fit in here.

"You said you wanted to see me. And I wanted to see you..." He hands me a piece of a cinnamon stick.

I nibble on it. "I don't understand how you make time for me. You're so busy...with two jobs..."

"Ehh... It's nice to have money." He shrugs.

"Money?" I laugh. "You're broke as hell!"

"Oh really?"

"Really."

He pulls out a big wad of money from his pocket. It looks like the wad is all 20s.

"...Drug dealer!" I tease him.

"I got paid today." He laughs and kisses my cheek.

"Then buy me something..."

"What do you want?"

"I don't want anything, I'm just kidding babe." I shake my head.

"Do you think we need more time together?" He asks me, handing me another piece of cinnamon stick.

"Sometimes..." I admit.

"I'm thinking about quitting one of my jobs..."

"Joe. Don't... Don't quit just because of me..."

"It's not just because of you... I just don't have any free time. I want free time for myself. And to spend with you..."

I sigh. "It's just something we have to deal with..."

"I don't want to deal with it. I hate my schedule."

"You never hated it before me..."

"That's not the point, babe." He checks on the cooking pizza.

"Then what's the point?"

"The point is... I'm tired of being so busy. You know that two weeks from now, it'll be two months since the day we met. And I wanted to take you out two Saturdays from now, but I can't do that because I have to work."

"We can go out on your off day..."

"No, Demi... It's not just that..."

"What is it then?"

"If I wasn't working all the time, I could be there for you. I could be there for you when you need me..."

"What are you talking about, Joe?"

"...You know I still blame myself for that night... You know that. I was gonna go to the party... But they had me on cleanup duty at the store..."

"That's not your fault, Joe... I just... Shouldn't have drank..."

"You know what, Demi?!" He grabs me by my shoulders. Suddenly, he's all frustrated.

"..What did I do?"

"STOP THAT! STOP IT!"

"Stop what!?"

"BLAMING YOURSELF!" He lets me go and slams his head against a wall, not too hard.

"...But..."

"Shut up, Demi. I don't care HOW you put it. NOTHING about that was your fault. I wish you'd get angry... Your whole attitude is pissing me off. That boy dragged you in a bathroom and took advantage of you when you were vulnerable. And he FORCED you to drink. Nothing about that is your fault... I know you're angry about it... I know you are..."

I sigh and think about what he said. "But I shouldn't have drank in the first place, you know?"

"Demetriaaaaaa." He kneels in front of me and puts his head in my knees. He's frustrated with me. "...Let me put it to you this way..."

I listen to him.

"You went to a party... With Selena and Nick... To have FUN and drink with your FRIENDS... Right?"

I nod.

"Then... He STOLE that from you. He dragged you in a bathroom and raped you, when you were just trying to have FUN... Right?"

I reluctantly nod.

"You should be SEETHING... That he felt like he could control you enough to have sex with you. That he wanted you so fucking badly... That he had to RAPE you to get you..."

When he puts it that way... I am a little angry. When he puts it that way... I am really pissed off.

And I realize the I REALLY want Cody to burn in hell.

He can rot in hell.