October 4, 2008

Dear Mom,

Today was... Interesting.

First off, let me start by saying that interesting isn't either a good thing nor a bad thing. It's a general thing.

In school today, I made it through 5 periods before I got sent home. I got sent home early, and I'll get into that in a little while.

I had a math test today in first period, and I aced it. Mr. Carrison checked them right after we finished, and I got an A+ on it. I got two bonus points from a bonus question on the test. I'm not sure what my current grade is in the class, but I'll find out soon enough, because today is midterm. Our midterm grades were sent out today.

In English, we're reading The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. I think it's super interesting. We're only on chapter 5, and I'm already hooked. I'll probably read ahead.

Anyway, to get a better knowledge of what happened in the book, we're researching The Holocaust. I think what happened to the Jews was terrible. My English teacher mentioned that once we're finished reading the novel, we'll take a trip to the theater to watch the movie.

Now on to the reason why I was sent home...

I told you about yesterday in gym class, how Amanda was acting like a bitch towards me. Well, today in gym, she was a bitch again. But this time, she really set me off.

We were playing kickball and she was on my team. Just my luck, she kicked right after me, so we were stuck in line together.

She started teasing me about the rape and she told me I deserved it. And something inside my brain just...snapped.

Anyway, me and Amanda started to fist fight each other. Amanda is a good 20 pounds heavier than I am, and she's very solid. It wasn't an easy fight, but I knew it would be hard when I threw the first punch.

I think I was full of adrenaline, because everyone said that I won.

Mom, I was so animalistic when I fought her, it was scary. I remember thinking that I wanted to draw blood.

It was so bad that everyone was scared to break it up, so the gym teacher had to get the school cop to break it up.

I never got her on the ground, and she never got me on the ground. She had ahold of my ponytail and she wouldn't let it go. I had her by her shirt and her hair with one hand, and I punched with my other. I remember slamming her head off the fire alarm after she kicked me in my leg. I punched her in the stomach.

When the school cop pulled us away from each other, I saw her face. I could hardly recognize her, there was so much blood. Her nose was bloody and her eyes were bloody too. I didn't know that digging your fingers in someone's eyes could make them bleed...

My hair was just all messed up and my arms are sore. I'm not missing any hair, and I don't have any black eyes or bloody faces. I just have a few scratches on my chest.

After the fight, I was sent to the office, of course. By that time, I was crying. Not because I was hurt, but because I was sorry for fighting in school and getting suspended again.

The principal called me in to her office and I sat across from her. I was still crying.

She talked to me calmly. She basically told me that she was sorry for what happened to me. She informed me that all my teachers know about what happened that night. She told me that she was aware that I was probably going through hell.

I told her the whole story of why I snapped out on Amanda, and she handed me tissues.

Then, she told me that she was calling Aunt Kathy to come get me. She told me she wanted me to take the remainder of the day off to go cool down and relax.

I asked her if I was suspended and if I got a fine. Because usually, when you fight in school, you get a suspension and a fine for disorderly conduct.

She told me that because I was going through a lot that she would halt both a suspension and a fine. But she did warn me that if I fight again, I'd be double-penalized.

Neither Aunt Kathy nor Uncle Jason were mad at me for fighting once I told them what Amanda said to me. Aunt Kathy made me grilled cheese for lunch and took a nap on the couch with me. I slept on their love seat.

I guess I feel bad, because we both fought, and Amanda's suspended and I'm not. But it's whatever, I guess.

I'm not sure what I'm doing today, but I hope I'm doing something. I just woke up from my nap, and it's still not time for Selena and Nick to be home from school.

I just can't believe I big into a fight. At least I won, I guess.

I can't wait to tell Dallas about the fight later on tonight. I know she'll be proud.

Until next time,

Love always,

Demi.

I wonder what Joe's doing right now. He's probably at work, but it's been a while since I've talked to him, so I'm gonna call him. I haven't talked to him since last night.

I grab my phone and call him. If he doesn't answer, I know he's at work.

"Hello..." His voice is muggy, like he hasn't talked in a while.

"What are you doing?"

"I was sleep..." He yawns into the phone. "Then you called..."

"You were sleep?"

"Yeah...it's only 12:00..."

"Well wake up. I wanna see you today..."

"Why aren't you in school?"

"I got out early. I'll explain later... Just... Come over or something."

"I don't feel like coming over there, Demi. I'm hungry..."

"...Oh..." I sigh. "I guess I'll see you like... Tomorrow or something..."

"I never said I didn't want to see you today..." He yawns again. "...Be ready in like... Fifteen minutes. I'll be over to scoop you up."

"Where are we going?"

"I told you I was hungry. We're gonna grab something to eat."

"Alright. See you." I nod.

"Love you."

"Love you too."

I hang up the phone and stretch. Knowing Joe, we'll probably go to the pizza place or something.

I put on a pair of really short shorts and a tank top. My shorts are so short that you can almost see my butt hanging out the bottom.

I leave my room and go into my aunt and uncle's room. It's empty, so I call her name. "Aunt Kathy..."

"What Demi?" Her voice comes from the spare room.

I go into the room. "I'm leaving..." I look around inside the room. She's busy painting the walls green. I wish I knew she was painting the nursery today, otherwise I'd help.

"Where you going?"

"Out to eat with Joe." I sit down in a rocking chair.

"Alright." She rolls another layer of pastel green paint onto the white wall. "Sometime this week, I want you to do me a favor..."

"Okay, what is it?" I rock in the rocking chair. It's still very bare in here. The only furniture is the changing table, the crib, a dresser and the rocking chair.

"I was looking through your drawings yesterday, and I saw that you're pretty good with drawing trees, leaves, nature things..."

"Mhm..."

"I want you to draw me a big tree on the wall, so that I can paint it. Jason and I decided to theme the nursery as zoo animals... So I'll need a tree. And maybe some leaves..."

"No problem." I stand up from the rocking chair and look at my canvas. "I have this wall?"

"You have this wall to draw me something that would relate to the zoo and wild animals."

"Okay... I can do that." I'm a little excited. I want to start drawing tonight.

Outside, a horn blares and I'm sure it's Joe. I have to go.

"I'm leaving now, Aunt Kathy. I'll see you." I walk down the steps and out the door.

Joe's car radio is super loud, blasting some rap song that I can't make out.

I open the door and climb into the passenger's seat. "Hey..."

"Hey, baby..." He leans over and kisses my cheek.

I smile. "It's hot out today..."

"It is." He starts driving again. He's shirtless, only wearing a pair of blue basketball shorts.

"Where are we going?" I roll my window all the way down.

"Dairy queen. I want some ice cream, and their chili cheese fries are great." He speeds up the driveway with one hand on the wheel. His other hand is just hanging free.

"I'm hungry too." I rest my head back against the headrest.

"What's up with those shorts?" He takes his eyes off the road for a moment and looks down at my legs. It's okay that he's not watching the road, because we're literally the only car on the road right now.

"What about my shorts?" I look down too.

He looks back up at the road. "They're too short. Your shit's gonna be blowing in the wind..."

"They're not that short..."

He slows to a stop light and looks down at my shorts again. He grabs the material with his free hand and pulls it up, giving me a cameltoe. "Look. Underwear all green... Lips all hanging out. Put some clothes on."

I laugh, because I know he's not talking about the lips that are on my face. "I thought you like short shorts..."

"I love em. They're sexy as hell. But not when you're out in public with your shit hanging out. Don't let me catch you wearing them again." He starts driving again.

"They're not that short, Joe." I shake my head.

"Not that short my ass. Don't let me catch you wearing those shorts out in public again." He's very serious, I can tell by his tone.

"Or what?" I test him.

"Or I'll beat you." He laughs. "I'll throw you over my shoulder, and I'll whoop your ass."

"Are you my dad?"

"Something like that." He keeps his free hand on my inner thigh, like he's about to finger me.

He pulls into the drive thru of Dairy Queen. "What do you want?"

I look at the menu. "Um... The chicken strip basket..."

"To drink?"

"A banana orange smoothie."

"You want ice cream?"

"No."

"Alright." He drives up to the ordering station. "Let me have an order of the chicken strip basket... To drink for that is a banana orange smoothie..." He orders my food first.

I hand him some money from my pocket.

"And a chicken club, with an order of chili cheese fries and a large Pepsi. Add a strawberry cheesecake blizzard to that... That's all."

The food comes to $21.12."

"Keep your money, baby." He hands my money back and drives around to the pick up station. He pays for the food and waits for them to give it to us.

"You take all your girlfriends to Dairy Queen?" I ask him.

"What do you mean all my girlfriends? You're my only one." He grabs the food from a little blonde girl.

"Hi, Joe." The girl says with a smile. She looks like she's blushing. That makes me mad.

"Hi, Kelsey." Joe says back, grabbing our drinks.

"Long time no see. You still work at the mall?"

"Yes." He grabs the bag of food.

"I never see you when I'm at the mall..."

"I work late." He grabs our straws.

"I'll have to come see you when you're working..." She smiles at him again, but her smile isn't friendly. Her smile is seductive. "I stay up late..."

Joe doesn't say anything else. He drives away, but he does have a goofy smile across his face.

I'm a little pissed off. "...What the fuck was that?" I look at him.

"A friend, Demi. Old high school friend." He drives back up the driveway.

"...Didn't seem like a friend." I roll my eyes. I'm hurt.

"She's just a friend..."

"...She looked at you like you just fucked her last night. I saw it..."

"She's my ex, okay? She's my ex. She was head cheerleader, I was the quarterback. What more do you want from me?"

"When did you guys break up?"

"Officially?"

"..." I just stay quiet.

"Officially, we broke up last week... Officially."

"LAST WEEK?! LAST WEEK?! LAST FUCKING WEEK?!"

"Calm down, Demi... Just calm down and let me explain, babe."

I suck on my bottom lip to keep it from trembling. I'm about to sob.

"Let me explain..." He pulls over on the side of the highway, in a grass field. "Let me explain..."

"You were cheating on me?" I wipe my face. "You cheated on me..."

"No, Demi. I didn't... I didn't cheat..."

"You cheated on me... You dated her while we were dating... That's cheating." My tears drop off my chin.

"No, baby. Look..." He hands me my food.

I take it, but I'm not hungry.

"We were dating when I graduated. But after graduation, she went to California to spend time with her dad. So I thought that automatically meant we were broken up. She was gone for a whole year... Until two weeks ago. She just came back two weeks ago. And she wanted to continue the relationship. I ignored her texts for a week straight, until I finally broke up with her. I didn't cheat, baby... I didn't cheat."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to hurt you... You were getting over the whole Cody thing and you didn't need that. I was gonna tell you when the time was right..."

I sniff. "...Oh..."

"I'm sorry baby. I'm so sorry... I know... I'm a jerk. I'm so sorry... But you have to believe me. I'd never hurt you like that, Demi. I love you..."

"Did you do anything with her?"

"We had sex." He admits. "But the last time we had ANY kind of sex was last year before she left. I swear to you..."

I sigh.

"I'd never hurt you like that, Demi. Never." He wipes my tears. "You mean too much to me..."

I just sniff again.

"Are you mad at me?"

I shrug.

"Don't me mad at me, gorgeous. Please don't be mad..." He kisses my hands. "We can go to the movies... We can go to the beach... I'll make it up to you..." He kisses my hands again. "Want me to make it up to you?"

I just shrug.

"Okay... I got you." He kisses my cheek. "I got you, baby. I got you..."

I remember the last time he told me "I got you." Hmph.

"Here... Just eat." He grabs his own food from the bag and begins to eat.

I chew a chicken strip. I'm not as hurt now that he explained everything, but I still feel like poop.

I still don't say anything to him. I don't have anything to say.

I sip my smoothie and eat a French fry.

Joe devours his food in at least three minutes.

I finish off my food slowly. I sigh.

"You still want me to make it up to you?" He reaches out and holds my hand.

I shake my head. He doesn't have to. I'm fine.

"Are you sure, beautiful?"

I sigh and finally talk to him. "How were you gonna do it..."

He kisses my cheek. "However you wanted me to, babe. I'd take you to the beach... Take you to the movies... Make love to you... Whatever you want..."

"Make love?"

"If that's what you want babe... I'd do it..."

Well it has been a while since we had sex... "In a car?"

"Why not?"

"How would we do that?" I put my smoothie down. I'm cracking a slight smile.

"I can show you, better than I can tell you..." He caresses my cheek.

I kiss his hand. "Okay..."

He leans over and faces me. He grabs my arms and pulls me over to the driver's seat, sitting on his lap. He kisses my lips. I kiss him back.

"I love you, Demi. Never forget that..."

I smile. "I won't..." I lie my head down on his bare chest. I love him too.

Down below, he moves my shorts and my underwear both to the side. He doesn't even bother taking them off.

I'm not sure how, but he manages to smuggle himself inside me. I stifle a moan.

And right here, in the car, we do it. And it feels like it did the first time we did it. It feels special and it feels good. It's definitely a good recovery from Cody.

"What happened to your boobs, babe?" Joe asks me as we're driving back into town. I feel more relaxed, now that we had sex. I'm in a good mood.

"Ohhh... I forgot to tell you..." I look out the window.

"Yeah.. I noticed when we were starting to have sex. But I didn't ask..."

"I got in a fight today..."

"A fist fight?"

I nod. "Mhm. This girl made fun of me getting raped, so I fought her."

"...Did you win?"

"Yes..."

"She scratched you on your boobs?"

"Mhm. She was trying to get me on the ground..."

"...What the hell are you doing getting suspended again, Demi?"

"I'm not suspended. They let me go."

"Still. You need to stop getting in trouble in school."

"I know..."

He sighs. "Am I taking you home?"

"No. Take me to Selena's..."

"Why you going over there?"

"To hang out with her." I lie to him. I don't like lying to Joe, but I can't tell him that the reason I'm going over Selena's is to be with her while she takes a pregnancy test. I just can't tell him that.

"Alright." He makes the left to Selena's house and parks in front.

I unstrap my seatbelt. "Bye, babe."

"Bye.. I'll text you later on tonight. Love you."

"You too." I get out of the car and walk up to Selena's front door.

I knock twice.

Her stepdad answers the door. He's hot. He has broad muscles, short hair and sexy eyes.

"Hey, Selena's little friend." He chuckles and opens the door for me. "She's in her room."

"Thanks..." I go in the house and kick my shoes off at the door. I walk up the little flight of steps up to the main floor of the house and go back to Selena's room.

I don't knock, I just walk right in. She's expecting me.

"...Demi." She's sitting on her bed with a plastic CVS bag.

"Selena..." I flop down on her bed. "Did you take any yet?"

"Just the one I took this morning..." She gets off her bed and locks her door.

"And?"

"That one came out positive. But I bought a bunch more just to be sure..."

"Okay. Let's get down to business."

She grabs a half-empty jug of iced tea and takes her bag tests to her bathroom. I follow her.

"So far, one positive." She seems to be taking this okay. She doesn't seem scared.

"I'll read you directions." I sit down on the edge of her bathtub and hand her one box.

She pulls down her pants and sits on the toilet, handing me the box back after she grabs the actual test.

"This one says look for a smiley face. If there's a smiley face, it's positive."

She pees on that one, then sits it on the counter. "Hand me another."

I hand her the second test. There's only four.

"This one says two lines is positive."

"Okay..." She sighs and pees on that one. After she sits it next to the smiley-face one, she takes a gulp of iced tea.

"This one says a blue box is negative. A yellow box is positive." I hand it to her. She pisses on it.

Last one. "This one says...a blue plus sign is positive. A red minus sign is negative." I hand it to her.

She sighs and pees on it too. It's amazing that she was able to piss enough for five pregnancy tests today.

"...Thank you, Demi. I love you..." She says to me, wiping and pulling up her pants.

"What are friends for?" I help her clean up all the wrappers.

"I don't know what in gonna do if I'm pregnant... I can't keep it..."

"Just calm down... You don't even know if you are yet..."

"I'm so scared... Like... Seriously. What if I am?"

"...If you are, there are options..."

"I could never get an abortion."

"There's adoption..."

"I'd probably do that. I told Nick that I thought I was the first time, and he said he'd be there. I didn't tell him about this time..."

"Why do you think you are?" I sit back down on her bed.

She sits next to me. "Remember like... Three weeks ago, I told you I thought I was, but I wasn't cause I got my period?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, like... My period stopped. It just... Stopped. And now it skipped this month..." She looks like she's about to cry.

"...Let's just hope for the best." I give her a hug. "I'll still be here with you if you are... You still have me."

She sniffs and pulls away from my hug to look at me. "I love you, so much Demi. Thank you..." She wipes her tears.

"It's okay, Selena." I rub her back.

The alarm she set on her phone for ten minutes finally goes off. It's time to check the tests.

She takes a deep breath. "I'm gonna throw up..." She says.

"You want me to check them for you?" I ask her.

"Please? Please..."

I nod and go back into her bathroom. I approach the four tests that are lined up on the counter of her sink. She got one positive from the one she took this morning...

I look at the tests one by one.

First one has a fuzzy, but visible black smiley face in the little window. Two positive. My heart is beating fast for her.

I move on to the second one.

Second one has two grey lines in the box. Three positive.

I move on to the third.

The third one has a little yellow box. Four positive.

Lastly, I check the fourth one. And sure enough, the fourth one has a blue plus sign in the window. They're all positive.

She's pregnant. I feel like I'm gonna cry too.

"...Selena?" I feel tears welling in my eyes. I go into her room.

"What?" She's hunched over on her bed, her usually tan face is pale.

I sit down on the bed next to her. I put my hand on her back. "...All of them..." I rub her back. I'm about to cry. "All of them are positive."

She doesn't say anything. She doesn't make a sound. All she does is sniff. I just keep rubbing her back, holding my own tears back.

"It's okay..." I whisper to her.

She sits up straight on her bed. Tears are falling from her eyes. She doesn't look at me. She looks straight.

I just keep quiet.

Slowly, she brings her hands up to her face, covers her eyes and just bawls. She bawls her eyes out, hard and loud.

I wrap my arms around her, hugging her. I cry with her. "It's okay..." I rub her back some more. "It's okay..." I sniff my tears back. My heart hurts for her.

"No..." She shakes her head and keeps crying. "I can't be..."

"It's okay..." I wipe her tears from her cheeks when she finally moves her hands from her face. "It's okay... I'm here for you..."

She sniffs and looks at me. "What am I gonna do, Demi?"

"...I don't know. But I'm here for you..." I wipe her tears again.

We both stay silent for a while. I hold her and she holds me. We hold each other. Quietly. She doesn't cry and neither do I. We're both just quiet.

She sniffs and pulls away from me. She looks in my eyes. "I love you, Demi. You're my best friend..." She whispers.

"I love you too..."

I feel something inside of me. Something... Weird. It seems like a natural feeling, but it feels like it's wrong. It feels like a forbidden feeling.

So natural that it's scary, I close my eyes. Selena closes her eyes too. We both tilt our heads in opposite directions. And we both lean in. And we kiss.

Not a hard kiss. Not an innocent kiss, either.

We kiss deeply, like we both mean it. Our tongues even meet, massaging each other. She pushes against me hard, and I push back. I push my tongue deeper in her mouth, and she pushes back.

Very abruptly, we pull away. Fast, quick. Like we just shocked one another.

...What just happened?

Neither one of just look at each other. I look down at her bed, and she looks down at her floor. I don't know what I feel.

"...I'm sorry..." I whisper to her.

"Don't be...I liked it..." She admits, hanging her head ashamedly.

"...I gotta go home..." I stand up from her bed and walk towards the door.

"I'm sorry, Demi... I'm sorry..." She stands up too.

"It's fine..." I shake my head and fiddle with the lock on her door.

"It's not fine..." She sounds like she's crying again.

"Yes it is..."

"No it's not... You're leaving..."

"I'm just confused..." I shrug.

"...Confused?"

I nod. "I liked it too..." I sigh. "That's why I'm confused..."

With tears streaming down my cheeks, I leave out of her room. I'm so confused. What just happened was so wrong...

I'm so... SO confused.

Someone help.