October 7th, 2008
Dear Mom,
Things are bad again. Not really bad, but bad enough. Something horrible happened. Something that I desperately want to take back.
Three days ago, I went to Selena's house. I went over there, because she had to take a pregnancy test. I was there for moral support.
Well, it turns out that she's pregnant. All the pregnancy tests came back positive.
She cried a lot when she found out, and I held her while she cried, for more moral support. I rubbed her back and even cried with her.
Then, after she was done crying, she pulled away from me. And she told me she loved me and I was her best friend. Then I kissed her. It wasn't an innocent kiss, like you used to kiss Lorna on the cheek when she came over for coffee, or how you used to kiss grandma on the cheek before she left. It wasn't even like the lip kisses I used to give Maddie sometimes. It was a kiss. A real, hardcore, sexual kiss. The way I would kiss Joe.
I'm so confused, mom. I'm confused because it felt so wrong, but I didn't want to stop. It felt right at the same time. It was natural. Like she was my boyfriend and I've kissed her like that before.
I like boys, mom. I'm not a lesbian. I don't even think I'm bisexual. But after the kiss, I felt like that's how it was meant to be. And she's all I've been thinking about.
I'm confused because before I went over her house that day, I had sex with Joe. And that felt right too.
I definitely feel something for Selena. I care for her more than a friend, but way less than a girlfriend.
It sucks even more for me, because I haven't talked to Selena since then. She hasn't been in school since Tuesday, and today is Friday. She hasn't texted me or called me. I don't think we're friends anymore.
I didn't like kissing her. It felt so wrong to kiss her. I know that the bible says it's wrong to be a lesbian. But I'm just confused. I'm still with Joe for now, and she's still with Nick.
To make matters worse, I stopped feeling for Joe. Don't get me wrong, I still love him. And when we kiss, I still feel sparks. But the hour after me and Selena kissed, I called him over to have sex again. I wanted to make sure I still like boys.
The sex felt good, as always. But I wasn't real into it like I usually am. It was real nonchalant. He got on top, did his business and got off. I didn't even have an orgasm.
I haven't had sex with him since then, so I'm not exactly sure if anything's changed. I'm hopeful that it was just for that moment, because I can't turn into a lesbian.
I really hope to talk to Selena soon. I'm gonna call her once I'm done writing this to you.
As much as I...liked the kiss between us, I'd give it all back if we could just be back to normal again.
Well...
Until Next Time,
Love always,
Demi.
I fold the letter up and put it with the many of letters I've written in my lockbox.
I get up and grab my phone. I really hope Selena answers me. I miss her so much.
With shaky fingers, I dial her number.
812...555...8765.
I put the ringing phone up to my ear.
"Demi!" She answers. Her voice makes me smile.
"Hey..." I sigh. "Where you been?" I'm smiling something serious.
"I've been sick. Like... Really sick..."
"Morning sickness sick?"
"I'm not sure..."
"What else you been doing?"
"Crying... Lots and lots of crying."
"You tell your mom yet?"
"Hell no!"
"What about Nick?"
"No..."
"You have to tell them..."
"I will, Demi. I just need time... You know? I'm thinking about getting an abortion anyway..."
"Selena..."
"It's my choice, Demi."
"Don't kill your baby..." I beg her. "Please don't kill your baby..."
"...I don't know what else to do..."
"Keep it. Give it up for adoption. Do something... Just don't kill it..."
"I don't know, Demi."
"...So..." I have a question to ask her. "Um..." I stutter. "Why haven't you...called me?"
"Why didn't you call me?" She counters.
"I didn't know... If you wanted to talk to me."
"Why wouldn't I want to?"
"Because.. You know..."
"I know what you mean." She coughs softly. "I didn't know if you wanted to talk to me, either." She admits.
"...Can we still be best friends?"
"Of course we can." She coughs again. "If I keep my baby... He or she is gonna need a god mom..."
I smile wider. "Seriously?"
"Seriously."
"Thank you so much, Selena..."
"No problem."
I notice that we still haven't mentioned the kiss. I wonder if she's as confused about it as I am.
"You wanna do something tomorrow?" She asks.
"I'd love to. But it's me and Joe's anniversary tomorrow and he's taking me out..."
"Oh... Um... You busy tonight?"
"Nope. Joe's at work til 9."
"You wanna stay over? Just me and you?"
It doesn't sound like a good idea when u think about it. It's gonna be just us. What if something happens... I have to watch Jorge tonight anyway. I guess it wouldn't be so bad to have a sleep over...
"I don't think I can. I have to watch Jorge, cause my aunt and uncle are going out. You want to stay over here, though?"
"Sure... What time should I come over?"
"It doesn't matter what time. Just come over. I'll order a pizza..."
"Alright. You want me to bring any movies?"
"Whatever you think we might watch, just bring it."
"Alright. See you in a little."
"Okay."
She hangs up and I head downstairs to tell my aunt and uncle what's up.
"Aunt Kathaaaay, Uncle Jaaaaaaaason..." I'm trying to butter them up. I have to hurry and ask before they leave.
"What do you want, Demi?" Uncle Jason asks, unimpressed. He's dressed very nicely. I think they're going to a restaurant.
"Can I have a friend stay the night?" I plop down on the couch next to him.
"I don't care, Demi." Uncle Jason says.
"Just don't tear up my house." Aunt Kathy agrees.
"We won't." I knew they'd say yes.
"And no boys over here." Uncle Jason stands up.
"There won't be. Just us..."
"Okay. We'll be back around 10 tonight. Keep the door locked. There's money on the kitchen counter.
"Okay... Have a good time." I follow them to the door so I can lock it behind them.
They leave and I lock the door behind them. I might miss them, but I'm not sure yet.
I sit down on the couch and turn on America's Funniest Home Videos. Me and Dallas used to watch this all the time.
You know what's crazy? I'm actually loving it here in Florida. I don't miss it back in Texas so much anymore. I still miss my family, though.
I get up from the couch and grab something to drink. I don't understand how Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason always have food in the house. I'm never hungry.
I grab a can of Dr. Pepper and walk back to the living room.
I grab my phone and call my dad, because I wonder what he's doing. I haven't talked to him since the week of the rape.
He answers on the first ring.
"Hello?" I immediately smile at his voice. I miss my dad a whole lot.
"Hey daddy." I smile at the phone. "What's goin on?"
"Hi sweetheart... It's goin good here. How is it in Florida?"
"It's been well here. It's fun... I miss you and Maddie though."
"I miss you too, honey. I'm glad you're doing okay though. How are you doing in school, Hun?"
"I'm doing good. Getting all As..."
"That's my girl."
"How's Maddie?"
"She's great. Doing good in second grade..."
"That's good... How's the house and everything?"
"It's good here, honey. Getting back on our feet."
"You wanna talk to Maddie?"
"Yeah..."
"Madison!" He yells at his end of the phone.
I wait patiently.
"Here Maddie, let's talk to Demi... Here..."
The other end of the phone shuffles a bit.
"Hulloh?" Her voice is cuter. It's all innocent and adorable.
"Hi Maddie..."
"Hi DemiDemi."
"How are you honey?" I wish I could hug her.
"I'm good..."
"That's good honey... How's school?"
"School's noying."
"School's annoying?"
"Yeah."
"Aww, I'm sorry for that." I hear a knock at the door. "Maddie, I have to go, honey. But I love you."
"Love you too DemiDemi."
"Bye honey."
"Bye bye."
I hang up the phone and grab the door. I yank it open.
Selena's dressed in her pajamas, holding a green pillow. "Hey..."
"Hey..." I step aside and let her in.
"Every time I come in here... I get more and more amazed at how nice it is." She says, sliding her shoes off and looking around.
"It's not all that." I walk back into the living room and she follows me. I sit on the couch and she sits too.
"How is my baby?" I turn to her and smile.
"It's just like... Swimming around." She shrugs.
"Can I feel it?" I put my hand on her still flat stomach.
"Probably not... It's all deep in there and stuff." She laughs.
"It's saying "please don't kill me, mommy."
"...Demi..."
"What?! It wants to live too."
"Can we just not talk about the baby tonight? I still don't know what to do with it..."
"Well you need to tell Nick."
"I plan to. Tomorrow or something..."
"That's a start." I grab my phone again. "What do you want from the pizza place? We can order whatever."
"Oooh, get hot wings."
"Okay." I call the place. "Hi... I would like to place an order... Delivery, please... Yes, um... I want a large pepperoni pizza, with cheese stuffed crust. And an order of the buffalo wings with blue cheese... Yes... Lovato. 812, Seabreeze Avenue... Thank you."
I hang up. "He said 20-30 minutes." I tell Selena.
"Great, I'm starving." She leans back against the couch.
We're both quiet. She watches the TV and so do I. We don't say anything to each other.
I wish I could turn my thoughts off right now, because right now I'm thinking about the kiss. Not because I want to do it again, but because I wonder what she's thinking about it.
We stay quiet, and the silence is getting awkward.
"...Demi, we need to talk." She breaks the silence, turning towards me.
"About what?" I turn towards her too. We face each other.
"You know about what..." She looks down at the couch.
I look away from her too. "Yeah..."
"...I'm really sorry about it. I didn't know what I was doing..."
"Me either..."
"And I don't want you to think that I'm acting weird towards you, but I'm just confused..."
"Me too..."
"Why are you confused?" She asks.
"...Because I liked it. And I'm not a lesbian..."
"...Me either. But I liked it too."
"I just wanna go back to being best friends... Like before we did that."
"Me too... But I don't think we can..."
"Why not?" I'm about to cry. I just want to be friends again...
"I have to be honest with you, Demi..."
"Okay..." I sigh. "Be honest..."
"I love Nick. I'm in love with him. I love him SO much." She states.
I just listen.
"But...I don't know... After we... Kissed (she winces when she says the word)...I think... I think I might love you too..."
"Really?"
"It's new to me, though. I... I never liked a girl before... And I'm still not sure that I like you... Because I'm not a lesbian..."
"I'm not either..." I sigh. "But all I've been thinking about is the... kiss."
"Me too... And it's weird, because... I might cheat on Nick... But if it's with a girl, is it cheating?"
I sigh. "I don't know... I'm just so confused." I use my thumb and wipe off some tears.
"I'm confused too, Demi. But..."
"I want to be with Joe. I want to be his girlfriend..."
"...You don't feel the same about me?"
"No, I do. But it's... Weird and wrong. Like... I just want to be your friend. But I want to kiss you again... It's weird." I shrug. More tears are falling.
"It's okay, though. It's not like Nick and Joe have to know that we kissed..."
"...Would that make you my girlfriend?"
"No. Just... Your friend."
"...Am I bisexual?"
"...I don't know..." She sighs. "I never thought I was..."
"I've never done anything with a girl..."
"Me either... That's why I'm so confused about my feelings for you..."
"...Can we just not talk about it? If we do it again..."
"I won't say anything if you don't say anything..."
I take a deep breath. "Okay..."
We both just look at each other. I close my eyes, because I can't look at her while I do this.
She closes her eyes too, and we both lean in and kiss again. She opens her mouth up a little and I sled my tongue in her mouth. She pushes back against my tongue with hers.
I cannot believe I'm kissing Selena. And I can't believe I'm liking it.
All I feel is her nose blowing out her breath against my upper lip. Neither one of us are pulling away to breathe.
She moves and puts her hand on my waist like Joe would if we were making out. I put my hand on her lower back.
Something just... Comes over me. Like I need her lips more. I suck on her bottom lip, a move I learned from Joe.
She slides her hands up my shirt, and I let her go. It feels right to me.
I slide my hands up her shirt too, never breaking our kiss. She rests her hands on my boobs, kneading them through my bra.
Instead of her boobs, I rub her butt.
I don't feel right touching her like this. This is so wrong. Why am I enjoying this?
DIIIIIING... DONGGGG.
The doorbell rings, interrupting the moment. Quickly again, we pull away from each other, like we're getting caught doing something wrong.
I spring up off the couch to get the door. It's the pizza man. Without saying a word, I pay him.
I really hope that this is just a phase. I can't handle this.
I feel like cutting right now. I feel like cutting so bad.
But even more so than that, I feel like kissing her some more.
But even more than kissing her, I want to have sex with Joe.
I'm so fucking confused, I can't stand it.