I look over at the cable box to see what time it is. It's 3:30 in the morning. I can't sleep.
Selena's fast asleep on the floor beside me, peaceful. She fell asleep a half hour ago.
I can't sleep. I can't even think straight right now. What did I just do...
I sit up in our makeshift bed of covers and couch pillows. I lean back against the couch and start to cry. I'm crying so hard that my head immediately starts hurting. My heart hurts so bad. My heart hurts...
What did I just do...
I don't want to wake Selena up with my sobbing, so I grab a couch pillow and bury my face in it. I just want this all to go away. I want it all to just stop. I hate this.
What did I just do... And why didn't I stop it?
I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world right now. I'm so confused and hurt and angry with myself and just... sad.
Why didn't I just stop it?!
Into the pillow, I wail. I cry loud and uncontrollably. I really hope I don't wake Selena up, but I just need a minute to myself.
God, what did I just do? I'm so confused.
I'm about to just end it. Right now.
I rock back and forth with my face still in the pillow, crying. I want to kill myself. I want to die.
Somebody please help me. I'm really about to do it. I'm about to take the Advil that's up in the medicine cabinet in my aunt and uncle's bathroom. I'm going to take all of it.
I just want to stop feeling so confused. Somebody please help me.
Oh god...
I can really use my mom right now. I need my mom. To talk me out of feeling this way. I need help. I need help. I'm so confused, I need help.
I lift my face out of the pillow and it's soaking wet with my tears. My eyes are itching badly, and my head is throbbing. I just can't stop crying.
Slowly, I reach over and pull my pajama pants back on my legs. I can't sleep in my underwear tonight. I need someone to tell me that it's okay. I need someone to let me know that it's going to be alright.
I'm so confused...
October 8th, 2008
Dear Mom,
I did something bad last night. I think I might have cheated on Joe, but I'm not sure. I also think that he might be angry with me for it, but I'm not sure. I'm not sure, because he probably doesn't even know. I didn't tell him, and neither did Selena, but he canceled on me for today.
We were supposed to go out today for our anniversary, but he had to cancel. He cancelled, because he got called in to work. I believe him, but I can't help but think that maybe God is punishing me for cheating on him.
Selena stayed the night last night, and we had... More than fun. She came over, and at first we were talking and stuff and having fun just being girls. Then, we talked about the kiss and she admitted to me that she likes me more than she should. And I told her I felt the same. And we kissed again.
This kiss was different than the first in more ways than one. It wasn't as innocent as the first time we kissed. It was a lot more intense, and we even touched each other. She touched my chest and I touched her back. Then the pizza guy came and we stopped.
We ate and talked some more then we played with Uncle Jason's Wii. We played a game called Just Dance and we played baseball. I had more fun playing games than kissing.
After the games got boring, we went in the kitchen and baked a cake from scratch. It was kind of good, but we didn't have icing. Uncle Jason and Aunt Kathy came home after that.
Aunt Kathy popped us a bag of popcorn and then went to bed.
We ate popcorn and watched a scary movie. After the movie was over, we watched videos on YouTube and laughed until nothing was funny anymore.
By that time, it was about 1:30 in the morning. We were both tired, so I turned off the TV and we lied on the living room floor to go to sleep.
I forget how it happened, but we ended up making out again instead of going to sleep. We made out a lot, mom. A whole lot. And then my shirt ended up off. And so did hers. And my bra ended up coming off. So did hers. And instead of kissing my mouth, she kissed my chest. And I kissed her chest right back. Then her underwear came off, and so did mine.
And I wanted to stop right then, but I didn't. I liked it too much, but the bigger part of me really wanted to stop.
So, because I didn't stop it, it kept happening. And she got on top of me and we just kissed and kept touching each other. I wasn't quite sure if anything was going to happen next, because I didn't think anything else COULD happen, but I was wrong. I'm ashamed, but we just... fingered each other after that. We kept kissing and stuff and it just happened. And after it happened, we didn't do much of anything else, besides rub against each other some more.
Then we were done and we went to sleep. Well, she went to sleep. I just cried, mom. I cried and cried and even when I thought I was all cried out, I cried some more. I can't believe I let that happen, mom. I should've stopped it. I didn't want it to escalate that far. I never wanted to take it past kissing.
So now I cheated on Joe with a girl. And I had sex with a girl. And the worst part about it is that I had an orgasm.
I'm starting to think that my brain and my body are two totally separate entities. I'm thinking that, because even though my mind wasn't enjoying what was happening, my body was enjoying it a whole lot. I guess Selena enjoyed it a lot also, because she had one too.
Anyway, I just want to be left alone. I just want to take a little breather for a while. It's great that neither one of us ever mentions it after it happens, but I wish it didn't happen at all.
Am I a lesbian, mom? I don't think of Selena in that way until we're kissing, but I do enjoy it when it's going on. Does that make me a lesbian? I don't like any other girls. I wouldn't finger any other girls, because I think that's disgusting. But is it possible that I'm a conditional homosexual?
In a while, I realize that I won't even be able to have these times with Selena. I know this, because she's pregnant and she might actually keep her baby. And if she keeps the baby, doesn't that mean that she'll be too busy for me?
All I know is that I can't keep having sex with her. It just can't keep happening. It's not right, and I don't really like it as much as I think I do in that moment.
All this is doing is making me more and more of an emotional wreck. I just wish I knew what to do.
Until next time,
Love always,
Demi.
October 13, 2008
Dear Mom,
Everything is going well, so I'm not sure why I feel so bad. I know the letters are coming fewer and fewer these days, but sometimes I just have nothing to say to you.
The days are just passing by me without much cause for concern. I can't remember what I did today, and I hardly remember what I did all through this week.
I do know that I got my midterm grades today. Aunt Kathy was very pleased with them. My grades are as followed: Math: 97%. English: 95%. Art: 102%. Spanish: 90%. Chemistry Lab: 100%. Chemistry: 98%. History/Geo: 96%.
Oh, I guess I should tell you that I got my driver's permit yesterday. The test was super easy. Uncle Jason said i can drive him around now.
I feel fine, but I feel different. I feel like something's gotta give. This is way too serious, mom. I feel like shit. Maybe Aunt Kathy really should get me a therapist. The more I convince her that I don't need one, the less I convince myself that I don't need one.
The cutting is getting worse. It's not getting better. I'd never tell Aunt Kathy that.
Lately, I've been thinking more and more about the rape. I know it's over, it happened almost a month ago, but I still feel like it happened for a reason. I'm trying to figure out what that reason is, but so far, I'm not successful.
I haven't kissed Selena since she stayed over on Friday night. But at the same time, I haven't had an opportunity to.
Things have been weird between us since we had sex. She hasn't really said much to me. She told Nick about the baby on Tuesday, and she's been really hanging out with him since then. I haven't spoken more than a "hi" to her since Monday. It's Thursday now.
I texted her and got no reply. I wrote on her Facebook wall and asked her to call me, because since I got my permit I could drive us to the Dairy Queen. Still, nothing from her.
I haven't spoken to Joe either. I guess he's too busy, because he's been working a lot, but he should still text me back, right?
I'm not really worried about it just yet. Maybe it's good for me to focus on myself.
Until next time,
Love always,
Demi.
October 14th, 2008
Dear Mom,
How am I supposed to know when I'm being ignored? I think they're all ignoring me, but I'm not sure if it's ignoring or just being too preoccupied with me.
Nick and Selena stopped sitting by me at lunch. I'm not mad at them, but they won't even tell me why. I sit alone, with bitch Amanda and her posse giving me the death state most of the time. I've resigned to eating in the bathroom at lunch today, because I got a French fry thrown at my back. I wanted to get away before it turned into a slice of pizza or some milk being thrown at me.
Nick and Selena sit with each other, but far away. They sit in a corner table. I sat by them at first today, but they didn't really talk to me, so I got the hint that they wanted me to leave. Once I left, they started talking to each other again. Nick even rubbed Selena's belly a few times. I couldn't eat my food, because I imagine that nachos don't taste too good with tears all in the cheese.
I'm not really all that mad at Nick and Selena, because I understand that they're gonna be parents together and that means they have a stronger bond now. I just wish they'd let me sit with them at lunch.
Joe's been acting weird too. He hasn't answered my calls, but he answers my texts. It's weird though, because when he answers my texts, it's one word answers like "okay, yeah, sure or whatever." He's also been calling me "Demi." He usually calls me "babe."
I guess he's just busy with work and stuff, but I really need him right now, because my other best friend is leaving me out.
I'm not sure if I'm being ignored or if they're just too busy for me, but I'd like to hang out soon. I miss my friends... If we still are friends.
It's not really anything to be proud of, but I recently broke the record for cuts on my wrist at one time. I have seven current ones right now.
The makeup isn't doing a good job covering them up anymore, and Aunt Kathy is getting suspicious, so I started cutting on my lower belly. Nobody sees them, but I can't sleep on my belly anymore.
Until next time,
Love always,
Demi.
October 15, 2008
Dear Mom,
I think Aunt Kathy can tell that my friends have been leaving me out. She took me out to dinner and to the mall today. I bought some new fall clothes and we ate at the Olive Garden. And when we came home from the mall and dinner, she ordered a movie off Pay-Per-View and we watched it. Uncle Jason has been off at base, training some new troops.
Spending the day with Aunt Kathy really did a good job at keeping my mind off my friends, but I'm right back to thinking about it again.
I'm almost certain that they're avoiding me. I texted Selena early this morning to see what she was doing and if she wanted to go to the mall. She said she was busy. I asked her if she wanted to do something tomorrow and she never texted back.
I texted Joe and asked him if he wanted to do anything and he just never texted me back.
At first, I didn't mind them not texting me back. Maybe they were just busy, Joe especially was probably at work.
But when I went to the mall, Joe wasn't in Steve & Barry's and he wasn't at the pizza place either.
It sucked even more to have to ride past the Jonas house on the way to the Olive Garden and see Nick and Selena outside in their swimsuits. Joe was with them. They were playing under the sprinkler with the youngest Jonas.
I was glad that Aunt Kathy was in the car, otherwise I would've had a meltdown. I just wish I knew why they didn't invite me. I thought we were all best friends. I thought Joe was my boyfriend...
Because I don't know much of anyone else to hang out with, I've just been hanging out with Aunt Kathy and Jorge. I painted the baby's wall in the nursery, and I even got a chance to update my iPod. I'd give up all this time to just hang out with my friends.
Needless to say, I've been cutting a lot and taking a lot of naps. I think I'm depressed, but I'm not sure.
I just wish they would let me know what I did wrong so that I could apologize. I'm still hoping that I can be friends with them again. I'm still hoping that me and Joe are boyfriend and girlfriend...
Until next time,
Love always,
Demi.
October 16, 2008
Dear Mom,
I've come to terms with the fact that I am bisexual.
I've been thinking a lot about Selena, and I think I might love her. I still get sad from time to time thinking about how we did what we did and how wrong it was, but I'm ready to accept the fact that I like both males and females. I don't want to tell anybody about that, though. I just want to keep it to myself.
Tomorrow it will be a week since Selena, Joe and Nick have talked to me. I'm sure they're avoiding me by this time.
I really miss Joe. I miss talking to him, having conversations that would last hours and just being in his company. I miss my boyfriend. I miss the sex, the trips to get something to eat, everything. I just... Miss him. I really thought he loved me, mom. I really thought he did.
It's really tearing me up inside to know that they won't speak to me. I don't even know what I did to them. I just want my friends back.
I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of sitting in this house with Aunt Kathy, Uncle Jason and Jorge. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every single night. I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter anymore. I miss them.
My loneliness has gotten so bad that I've began to write songs instead of stories. The songs aren't good, but they're songs. I'm not a good singer, so I'll probably never sing the songs. But it feels better to write them.
My romantic feelings for Selena have died down a lot, but I'd still like to maybe pursue a relationship with her. This is hard, because I desperately want to be with Joe. It's hard to love two people.
It's even harder to love two people that don't love you back.
The only thing I'm looking forward to today is going to the mall again with Aunt Kathy. We're going to buy some clothes for T.J. and his crib bedding.
Other than that, I just want to go to sleep.
It doesn't help that I'm running out of places to cut.
Until next time,
Love always,
Demi.
I put my pencil down and get up. It seems like I've been spending all of my time in my desk chair, writing. It seems like my mom is my only friend anymore, and she's dead.
I close my door and walk downstairs. Aunt Kathy is ready to leave already. I'm ready to leave too, just so I can hurry up and be back home already.
"Is there anything you want from the mall today, Demi?" Aunt Kathy grabs the car keys and opens the front door.
"No..." I should probably get a few more pairs of leggings, because leggings are what's good to me right now. They're the only kind of pants that can be up against my badly mutilated stomach without causing too much pain.
"You wanna drive?" She shuts the front door behind us and approaches her little black BMW.
"No." I get into the passengers seat and carefully fasten my seatbelt.
"Is something bothering you, Demi?" She starts the car and backs out of the driveway.
I just shake my head.
"Your aunt isn't stupid, Demetria..." She drives down the road to get onto the highway.
"What?" I stare out the window. This is the way to the country club that Selena's mom works at. It was fun that day.
"I just saying... I'm not dumb." She makes a turn. "What's going on with you and your friends?"
"...You noticed that?"
"You haven't been out the house in a week. Of course I noticed..."
"Oh..."
"So what's goin on?"
"...I don't know." I shrug, honestly.
"What do you mean you don't know? Did you have a falling out?"
"I don't know... They just started ignoring me." I just stare out the window. I don't want to cry.
"...Maybe they just need a break. It's not healthy to be around the same people all the time... You know?"
"...I guess." I sigh.
"If they don't come around in another week, that's when you should start worrying." She holds my hand and rubs my knuckles.
"...I guess." I sniff. "But what boyfriend goes a week without talking to his girlfriend?"
"...I know, honey. Guys can be weird."
"Real weird. He didn't even act this way when..." I stop myself and just shut up.
"When what, Demi?"
"Nothing."
"...Did you have sex with Joe?"
"...Would I be in trouble if I did?"
She chuckles. "Smart girl." She chuckles some more. "I suppose you wouldn't be."
"Yes." I admit. I realize that I just need someone to vent to, and Aunt Kathy is that person.
"...When?"
"Like... Last month. For the first time."
"You should've said something sooner. I gotta get you to the gynecologist now." She turns into the parking lot of the mall.
I sigh. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry... It's just sex. You're a teenager. And you're a pretty little girl. I expected it." She shuts off the car.
"Thanks." I open the door and get out.
"I love you, Demi." She gives me a hug when she walks around the car.
I hug her back. "Love you too."
"And don't worry about your friends. They'll come around."
"I hope."
She lets me go. "Now. Let's go do some shopping."
I still don't feel better, but yeah. Let's go shopping. "Okay." I walk with her to the entrance of the mall.
"We'll just hit up every baby store." She walks to the escalators and I follow her.
We take the escalator up to the second floor. Joe's job is on the second floor.
I just walk with Aunt Kathy to the first baby store, called Little Stars. I guess they have clothes in here.
"If you see any cute baby clothes, just grab them."
"Okay." I browse around. Some of these clothes are cute, but so damn expensive. I pick up a green and yellow jacket. It's cute.
I wonder if Joe's working today...
"I have to use the bathroom, Aunt Kathy." I hand her the jacket I found.
"Alright. I'll probably be in this store when you come out."
"Kay." I leave the store and walk in the direction of the pizza place.
In a way, I kind of hope I don't see him today. I look horrible. I'm wearing a pair of black leggings and an orange Texas Longhorns hoodie. My hair is wavy and in a ponytail and I have my glasses on.
I round the fountain to where pizza place is. And immediately, I wish I never came over here.
Behind the counter, with his uniform on, Joe's working. And bent over the counter wearing a pair of way too short shorts (even though it's chilly outside) is the same blonde girl I saw at Dairy Queen that day. His ex. She's talking to him.
And if that's not bad enough, both Nick and Selena are hanging around the counter. And they're all laughing hysterically, like they're having a real good time. A good time without me.
Selena seems to have gotten pudgier. She has a slight bump sticking out, but unless you knew she was pregnant, you wouldn't think much of it.
I really want to know why they've been treating me this way.
I'm gonna walk over there. I'll pretend like I'm going to the smoothie place, right next to the pizza place. Maybe they'll talk to me.
I really wish I dressed prettier.
I slide my glasses off my face and put them in the pocket of my hoodie, in a desperate attempt to look prettier. I walk over to the smoothie place. I have a five dollar bill on me, so I'll grab a smoothie.
I can't see that well without my contacts, so I have to put my glasses back on. Bummer.
I don't think they noticed me.
"May I help you?" A woman working the smoothie place asks.
"...Can I just have a strawberry pineapple... Small.."
"3.79."
I hand her the five and look over at my friends as she makes my drink.
They're laughing, having a good time. Nick has his arm around Selena's waist, resting his hand on her stomach. Joe is really interested in making the blonde girl laugh. I feel like someone just stuck a dagger in my heart.
"Here you go, honey." The last hands me my smoothie and my change.
"Thanks." I put all my change in her tip jar. I grab the smoothie and walk away. I'm walking kind of close to them. Maybe they'll see me this time.
I'm too wrapped up in looking to see if they'll notice me that I don't notice a chair in my way, and I trip over it. My smoothie splashes up all over my hoodie and my glasses. It's probably in my hair too.
How embarrassing.
They definitely noticed me now. In fact, they're all laughing at me. I glance up briefly to see them. The blonde is laughing the hardest, Joe isn't laughing that much, Nick is just giggling and Selena's holding back a laugh.
I sigh. I wanted them to notice me, and this is what I get. God hates me.
I stand up, smoothie all over my clothes. I walk back to the smoothie place to ask for napkins, because I'd be too embarrassed to ask Joe for napkins.
"Excuse me... Can I have some napkins?"
"Certainly." The woman hands me a wad of napkins.
"Thanks." I grab them and walk back over to my mess.
First, I wipe off my glasses. I slide them back on and start cleaning up my mess on the floor.
"...Want a mop?!" The blonde girl that's with Joe yells over at me. She laughs, like it was some inside joke.
I blush and don't say anything back.
"A mop would be easier!" She yells at me again.
I'm so embarrassed. I just nix cleaning the mess up, throw my paper towels away, and just leave. They're acting like they don't even know me. My heart hurts.
"Poor thing." I hear the blonde say as I walk away. "If she wasn't so worried about what we were doing, she would've seen the chair."
"Yeah..." Selena says with a laugh.
"Like get a life, right? Don't worry about us. Poor thing, she must not have friends."
"That's enough, Kelsey. Leave her alone." Joe sounds serious when he says that.
"...Wasn't that your ex?" She asks him.
"Yeah. She's my ex. But still..."
I'm his ex? We broke up? When was he gonna tell me?
I need to go home.
I need to go home.
Please let me go home before I lose it right here in this mall.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I want to go back to Texas.
I need to go home.