Hey y'all! So sorry I haven't updated for awhile! School has been really hectic lately and I'm hoping that I'll be able to post more often soon.

Shoutout to Ayoungnovelist and my cousin Sid, who inspired this chapter :)

Chapter 9:

"Spencer!" Aria cried weakly. She could see Spencer lying lifelessly in the car wreck. She tried to reach out to her best friend but her body refused to work. Every time she tried to move, her vision started to blur. She was in so much pain, especially her arm.

"Somebody please help!" Aria tried to yell, but it came out as a whisper. She was just so weak. "Spencer, please wake up!"

All of a sudden, she could feel someone picking her up, taking her away from her best friend. "Spencer!" she tried to say, but she couldn't talk, everything went black.

Aria woke up from her dream, sobbing. She sat up, taking in her surrounding. She was on Ezra's couch. A quick glance at the clock told her it was 4:30, which meant that Ezra would still be at Hollis.

Aria sat there and cried, with one thought in her head. "If she had just managed to get Spencer's name out of her mouth when she was picked up, would her friend still be alive?" Aria still couldn't shake the feeling that she was somehow responsible for her friend's death. She'd been having this same dream for days, and every time she woke up from it, she would sit there and cry. Ezra didn't know about her dreams because she'd been really careful to hide it from him so he wouldn't suggest therapy again.

Aria couldn't handle these dreams anymore. She could barely live with herself and every time she woke up from her nightmare, she would have the urge to kill herself. But she could never bring herself to go through with it. She did something else instead, and she knew that if Ezra or her friends ever found out, she'd be in huge trouble. Not to mention they would probably force her to go to a psychiatrist, which she really didn't want. Aria wasn't crazy, no matter what anyone said. So she hid her secret from everyone, hoping and praying that they would never find out.

*PLL*

Aria got out of the shower feeling somewhat better. There was something about the hot water that soothed her, not to mention it gave her an excuse for having red eyes. She dried her hair and dressed, stepping out into the apartment. Ezra wasn't home yet, but he would probably arrive any minute, so Aria started to fix dinner, turning to radio on while she worked so Ezra would think she was happy when he arrived. She even started singing along, stirring the pot of spaghetti sauce. Aria had managed to work to the beat of the music and was lost in the motions that she didn't even notice the door open.

When she felt strong arms circling her waist, Aria screamed, knocking over an opened packet of raw spaghetti, noodles flying all over the floor as her hand flew back and hit Ezra's nose.

"Ow!" he cried, holding his face.

"Oh my God! Ezra, I'm so sorry. You scared me!" Aria said, moving his hands back so she could examine the injury.

"It's okay. I'm fine. Are you alright?" Ezra asked, peering at her face closely as she examined his nose. Blood was dripping from it and it looked like it was starting to swell.

"No, you're not fine. Your nose is bleeding and it's swelling. Here, let me grab some ice." Aria said, handing Ezra a wad of tissues. She turned to reach into the freezer for some ice. Ezra leaned against the edge of the counter, pressing the tissues his throbbing nose.

Aria handed him the ice wrapped in a towel. "I'm so sorry." she said, tears forming in her eyes. Why did she keep hurting her loved ones? What was wrong with her?! Before she knew it, Aria was crying again.

"It's not as bad as it looks, really." Ezra assured her, placing a comforting hand on her arm. "Please don't cry." he pleaded, pulling her closer to him.

Aria shook her head and pulled away. "I'm sorry." she said, grabbing her coat.

"Where are you going?" Ezra asked.

"I-I need to go." Aria replied, putting her things in her purse.

"Wait a second." Ezra said, confused. "Aria, I'm fine, really. You don't have to leave."

Aria nodded. "I know...I just, I need to go. I'll be back later." she said, shutting the door as she left.

Ezra just stood there, confused. He wanted to run after her, but he knew that she needed her space too. He just hoped she would stop shutting him out and talk to him eventually.

*PLL*

"I thought I would find you here." Hanna said, coming to sit down next to Aria on the green grass, overlooking a stream. This was Aria's favourite spot to come and just think or get away from everyone. It was always quiet as it was deep in a forested area. Aria and Ezra had stumbled upon it once when they had gone hiking.

"What are you doing here?" Aria asked, looking up at her friend.

"Ezra called me. He's worried about you." Hanna replied. "You want to tell me what's going on?"

Aria stared off into the distance, wondering how much she should tell her friend. She couldn't tell her the secret that she'd been keeping, but Hanna wouldn't back down with nothing.

"Aria, you can talk to me." Hanna said, resting a hand on Aria's arm.

Aria took a deep breath. "Do I hurt everyone I care about?"

"Of course not!" Hanna replied instantly. She was about to continue but Aria spoke.

"Really? Because I feel like everyone I spend time with ends up getting hurt. Spencer, Ezra-"

"Wait, what's wrong with Ezra?" Hanna asked, confused.

"I accidentally smacked him in the nose and it got all bloody and swollen." Aria replied, absently running her fingers through the grass.

"Hey, accidents happen." Hanna comforted her. "I once made Caleb break his wrist."

"Yeah, but you didn't get your best friend killed." Aria mumbled quietly, not intending for Hanna to hear, but she did.

"Aria, you can't blame yourself for what happened to Spencer. I know it hurts, and you feel like you could have prevented it, but you're not the reason she got into that accident. The roads were slippery and she lost control." Hanna said, repeating what everyone had been telling Aria over and over since she was in the hospital.

"But why is it that Spencer had to die and I' perfectly fine? I was in the car too. Spencer was just trying to help a friend. She shouldn't have been the one to get hurt, it should have been-"

"Don't say it." Hanna warned. "Aria, you can't do this to yourself. I'm sure Spencer doesn't want you walking around and blaming yourself for something that wasn't your fault."

Aria sat quietly, wishing Hanna would just leave her alone. Everyone was always trying to convince her that she was innocent, that this wasn't her fault, she couldn't have stopped it. But Aria knew that she could have. If she had just tried to control her emotions, Spencer would have been alive. She turned to Hanna.

"I have to go."

"Aria, you can't keep shutting us all out. We're here to help you."

"I'm not shutting you guys out." Aria said.

"Yes you are!" Hanna replied. "You barely talk to me and Em, your family hasn't seen you in days, and Ezra's freaking out because he's worried about you and he's not sure whether to give you space or to push you to talk to him. You don't have to go through this alone Aria, we're here for you."

Aria stared at her friend for a moment before wrapping her arms around her. She cried into her friend's shoulder, her sobs the only sound echoing through the clearing. "Thanks Hanna. You're a great friend."

Hanna hugged her back, running her hands soothingly up and down her friend's back. "How about you spend the night at my place?"

Aria hesitated for a moment before shaking her head. "Thanks but I should probably go back to Ezra's. I left really abruptly and I'm sure he's wondering where I've gone."

Hanna nodded. "Okay, text me later?"

"Sure." Aria said, heading back into the forest in the direction of her car.

*PLL*

Aria didn't go back to Ezra's. She drove around for hours, not sure where to go. She finally stopped at a diner, just outside of Rosewood, getting a cup of coffee and some gas. She didn't stay, she just filled up her tank, grabbed the cup of coffee and started driving again.

Beep! Beep!

Her phone had been going off repeatedly for the past few hours. Ezra had been trying to get a hold of her, texting and calling repeatedly but Aria never answered, just continued driving. At this point she was exhausted and the beeping was getting harder and harder to ignore. Aria grabbed her phone from the cup holder and checked the latest text.

Aria, please call me. I'm worried about you and I just want to know that you're safe. -Ezra

Aria sent a quick text back.

I'm fine, just needed to clear my head. I'll be back in the morning. -Aria

Not even a minute after she sent it, Ezra responded.

Where are you? - Ezra

An hour outside of Rosewood. Going to stay in a motel for the night. Too tired to drive back. -Aria

Do you want me to come pick you up? -Ezra

No, I just need some time alone. Get some sleep, I'll see you tomorrow -Aria

Okay, love you -Ezra

You too - Aria

Aria turned off her phone and pulled into the parking lot of a cheap motel called The Lost Woods Resort. It looked kind of creepy but Aria was too tired to care. She checked in and went to her room. As soon as she was inside, she dropped her purse onto a chair, took her coat off and jumped into bed.

As she lay in bed, waiting for sleep to overcome her, Aria felt the cuts that ran the length of her arm. They still stung a little, fairly new. Aria felt one particular one near the inside of her elbow. She had made that one that afternoon when she'd woken up from her dream. Feeling the many cuts gave Aria a sense of calm, as though she was somehow making up for Spencer's pain by inflicting pain upon her. She knew that Ezra or her friends wouldn't understand and would probably rush her to the psychiatrist if they knew that Aria was cutting herself, so she had to be very careful. She cut herself in area's that were easily concealed, always wearing long-sleeved shirts, refusing to borrow Ezra's t-shirts when she slept, instead wearing his hoodies. She had been sneaky enough so far, and she felt that she could continue without getting caught.

Aria continued to stroke her cuts until her exhaustion finally took over and she fell into a deep sleep.

Hey guys! I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a while! I tried to make this chapter extra long to make up for it. Sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes, didn't get a chance to proofread. Let me know if I made any mistakes and I will change them. Don't forget to review! :)