"I really can't apologize enough, Demi. I can't tell you how sorry I am." Selena grabs two paper plates and hands one to me.
"It's fine..." I grab a slice of pizza and dump it on my plate.
"It's not fine... I mean... I was seriously a bitch for that. And I'm so sorry. I can't believe you forgive me." She hands me a can of Mountain Dew.
"I forgive you. But I can't forget." I put two buffalo chicken wings on my plate.
"I wouldn't expect you to forget. You have every right to still be mad. I'm just... So sorry."
"Just drop it." I take my full plate and follow her into her living room. Her living room is really nice. The couches are white leather and the furniture is black. It's really classy.
She sits down on the couch next to me and turns on the TV. "What do you like to watch?"
"I don't care what we watch..." I take a bite of pizza.
She turns on MTV. 16 & Pregnant is on. "Isn't this ironic..." She chuckles, but I can tell that there's some hidden shame.
I laugh softly too. "It's okay... At least you're not the only one."
"I'm the only one in school, Demi. Can you imagine when I start showing? Talk about embarrassing..."
"Just wear hoodies. It's getting cooler outside."
"I will wear hoodies. I just wish... I wasn't. You know?"
"I thought you were thinking about an abortion..."
"I was. But Nick's mom was all "hell no." And my mom said hell no too. So I'm stuck with it."
"Is your mom happy about it?" I start on a piece of chicken.
"Of course she's not happy. She's disappointed. She still won't talk to me that much. But she doesn't want me to give it up. She wants to know her grandchild."
"What about Nick's mom?"
"Nick said his mom beat him." She laughs slightly. "She hit him when he told her. But she's supportive."
"What was the doctor's like?" I put my empty plate down and drink some soda.
"Weird. She kept asking me when my last period was. And she like... Measured my stomach and pushed around a lot. She told me I was almost three months pregnant. I'll be three months on Sunday."
"She give you a due date?"
"Mhm. April 2nd."
"That's cute." I smile a little bit. I'm happy for her, even though she's not happy for herself.
"I get to find out if it's a he or a she at my next visit."
"Oh my gosh. I hope it's a girl!" I gush. Girls clothes are so cute. The little bows that go in their hair and everything.
"I don't care what it is, as long as it's healthy." She sighs. "Demi? Can I tell you a secret though?"
"...Go ahead..." I turn my attention to her.
"...At the doctor's...they took some blood from me. And the lady said my... Hormone levels were really... Really... Really high. She told me that a normal pregnancy hormone count is around 17-100. And mine is 1000."
"So what does that mean?"
"She said it usually means that there are multiples... Like twins. But they didn't see anything on the ultrasound."
"TWINS?!"
"Shhhh! Keep it down... My mom doesn't know and neither does Nick." She clamps her hand around my mouth. "I'm scared it might be twins, Demi. What if it's twins?"
"If it's twins... Then... I don't know..."
"Me either. I'm trying not to worry about it, because if it was twins, they would've heard two heartbeats in the ultrasound, and they didn't..."
"Well, don't worry about it then." I shrug.
"I'm trying not to."
"Can I name it?!" I ask, just to lighten the mood.
She laughs a little. "Yes, Demi. You can help me pick out names as soon as I know the gender."
I laugh. "Thank you."
"Nothing ugly though."
"I'll try not to." I chuckle.
She laughs too. "Demi... Can I ask you something?"
"Anything..." I sit cross-legged on her couch.
"...What you said earlier in school..."
"What did I say?"
"Um... Like when you told me... That I had no idea what I did to you..." She looks at me with sorrow in her eyes. "What did you mean?"
"Nothing. I was just being stupid."
"No, Demi. I know you're lying. I just want to know what you meant."
"I don't want to talk about it." I look away from her, hoping that she'll just let it go.
"...Did you cut your wrists again? Is that what you meant?" She plays with the opener on her can of Mountain Dew.
"No." I shake my head. It's not entirely a lie. I didn't cut my wrists.
"Oh... Okay then." She drops the subject, and I'm totally grateful.
"Do you think Joe will forgive me?" I reach to change the subject some more.
"...Totally. If Nick forgave me, then I don't see why Joe wouldn't forgive you."
"I hope that's how he sees it."
"Don't worry about it too much." She takes my hand and holds it. It's nice that I can tell she's doing it in a friendly way. There is no alternate meaning behind it.
"I'll try." I look down.
She takes my hand and turns it over so she can see my wrist. She pulls back one of my thick rubber bracelets. There are lots of raised up slices all along my wrist, but none of them are fresh.
"...That's scary..." She whispers.
I pull my arm away from her, but she grips it tighter.
"Did I put these there?" She rubs her thumb along the cuts.
"No..."
"If I did, you can tell me. I know we were all pretty mean to you."
"You didn't." I pull my arm away again.
"...Demi, you always... You were..." She puts her hand on my back. "You were there for me whenever I needed you... With finding out I was pregnant and all..." She rubs her hand along my back. "I just wish you'd let me be there for you whenever you need me..."
I stand up from the couch. "I needed you a week ago. I needed you to talk to me. I needed you to... HELP me. I needed you when... when I was unsure if I was bisexual because we slept together. And you weren't there for me."
"Demi..."
"No." I storm out of her house, outside onto her closed in patio. I sit on the bed I slept in the last time I was here and cross my arms over my chest. I'm so irritated.
I don't understand why I just keep getting shit on. I'm nothing but nice to people. I'm seriously the nicest person I know. Why do people just think it's okay to fuck me over?
I had sex with my best friend, I think I turned bisexual for her, and she repays me by not even speaking to me? What kind of shit is this?
"Demi..." She opens the sliding glass door and calls my name.
I stay where I am and continue crying. I'm crying angry, frustrated tears.
"Demi." She sits down next to me.
"What do you want?" I wipe my tears and sniff. I'm so irritated right now.
"I can't tell you how sorry I am..."
"Sorry for what? Tell me what you're sorry for." My voice is coming out hard, like she's my worst enemy.
"For everything. I'm sorry for doing it. I'm sorry for leading you on. I'm sorry for-"
"Leading me on?" I interrupt her, my voice raising just shy of a yell.
"I mean... It's... Let me rephrase that. I'm sorry for doing it with you, knowing that we would never be anything more than friends."
"So you're telling me that us... doing that didn't mean anything?"
"...It was just..."
"This is fucking great. Fucking fantastic, Selena. Fantastic. Here I am, feeling like a dumbass."
"Why do you feel like a dumbass?"
"Because! I... I changed... For you. I didn't even... YOU... YOU pursued me. All I did was kiss you. YOU took my underwear off. YOU took my bra off. YOU started fingering me, and I just followed your lead. And now I don't mean anything to you?"
"I'm sorry, Demi. But I'm not... Like that. You're a really good friend..."
"...Friend?!" The only reason I'm not hitting her right now is because she's pregnant.
"Friend, Demi. Like... My best friend. I'm sorry. I just don't like you in that way."
"I'm going home."
"Why?"
"Because I'm just your friend." I stand up from the bed and grab my phone to call Uncle Jason.
"Demi, please don't go home. Please..." She starts to cry. "I know, I ruined everything between us. I just want it back to normal. I want my boyfriend back. I want my friend back. I just want us back. Please don't leave..."
I stop dialing Uncle Jason's number.
"I fucked everything up, Demi. I'm sorry. I fucked our friendship up... I'm sorry." She sniffs and keeps crying.
I...am WAY too nice. WAY too nice.
I put my phone back down and rub Selena's back. "It's okay..."
"It's not okay... It's not okay... It's never okay."
"It's fine, Selena... It's fine."
I still want to be mean to Selena. I still want to hate her. But I won't do that.
And the only reason I won't do that is because I know how it feels. And sometimes...
All you need is someone - anyone to tell you that it's okay.
I wish I had someone to tell me that.
"Demi. Wake up." Someone pats me on my back. "Wake up, Demi." Whoever it is, they shake me softly. "Wake up..."
"Mmm..." I move around and open my heavy eyes. "Huh?"
Whoever woke me up moves on to Selena. "Wake up, Selena."
When did I fall asleep? I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep.
Selena yawns real loud beside me. Her back was turned to me, but she's facing me now.
I blink my eyes twice to formally wake up. I see now that it was Miss Mandy who woke us up. "Get up, girls. The boys are here."
Joe's here?
I rub my eyes some more. I'm still not all the way up.
Selena stands up and goes to open the door. Miss Mandy goes back in the house. I'm still lying in the bed on the patio. I grab my phone and check it.
I have two text messages. One from Aunt Kathy and one from Dallas. I check the one from Aunt Kathy first.
I just got it 10 minutes ago, at 9:30. I open it.
Aunt Kathy: Good night Demi. Call me in the morning when you wake up. Have a nice night. I love you.
I text her back.
Me: Night Aunt Kathy. Love you too.
I check the one from Dallas.
Dallas: I heard about your good grades. I'm so proud of you! When I come to Florida in a month or so, we will def. go out and celebrate. Keep your grades up though. Love you baby girl.
I don't text her back. I forgot she was coming to Florida in a little while for her Christmas break. I think she gets the whole month of December off, plus two weeks in January.
"We took a nap. I'm sorry, I forgot to set my alarm to wake up." I hear Selena's voice coming back.
"It's alright, babe. I though you just forgot about me." I hear Nick's voice too.
"Demi's here, right?" His voice makes me melt. I missed him so much. I missed hearing my Joe's voice.
"Yeah, she's laying on the patio." I hear the sliding glass door open and footprints come out on the patio.
I keep my attention on my phone, acting like I don't care that they're here.
Selena sits beside me again, and Nick climbs on the bed next to her.
"...Hey, Dems... Long time no see?" Nick greets me.
I put my phone down. "Yeah..."
"I'm sure Selena explained everything..."
"She did..."
"I'm sorry, too. I was just... Upset. With the whole situation."
"I know..."
"The whole time, we missed you though. The crew wasn't complete without you."
That makes me smile a little. "Thanks."
Around the corner, Joe comes out. He's dressed in a blue T-shirt and baggy grey sweatpants. He looks at me, anger clear in his expression.
I just look at him too.
"We need to talk. Get up." He motions for me to get off the bed.
I get up and walk over to him without a word. Out of the three that were mean to me, I think Joe is the only one that has a right to be a bastard towards me. I did cheat on him. He's understandably angry.
"Let's go to the trampoline." He storms past me, off the patio, down the steps and onto the trampoline.
I follow him, but a lot slower in my manner.
I sit across from him on the trampoline.
He just stares at me. His face is hard. It's not just a stare. It's a glare.
I look down and play with the strings on my pajama pants.
"...So you cheated on me." He starts. His voice matches his angry look.
I just nod. "Technically...
"...Why? What did I do?" He looks like he's gonna cry.
"Nothing... You didn't do anything it's just..."
"I had to have done something to make you want to cheat."
"Joe you didn't."
"I mean, I know I worked a lot, and we didn't spend a lot of time together... But I didn't think you would cheat on me."
"It's not like that. It was a mistake. An honest mistake."
He looks up at me again, crying this time. "Then what was it like? You don't accidentally have sex with someone else..."
"Don't cry..." I hold his hand.
"I'm gonna cry, Demi. I'm gonna cry. I just can't believe you cheated on me. I loved you... I loved you so much."
"You still love me. I still love you." I scoot closer to him.
"You must love the other guy too..."
"...it's not a guy." I sigh. It's tough admitting this.
"It's... Not?"
"No. It was Selena." I hang my head in shame.
"...WHAT?"
"...Yeah."
"...You... Cheated... On ME... With a... Girl?"
"Yes..."
"No fucking way... And Nick didn't tell me that?" He lays back on the trampoline and puts his hands on his face.
"What?" I scoot closer again.
"I can't believe... I... Demi, I haven't eaten in days... Because he just told me you cheated... And come to find out, you cheated with a girl?!"
"Well... Yeah..."
"I cried my EYES out because of this... And it was a girl..."
"Yeah... I thought we established that it was a girl..."
"A GIRL..."
"A girl, Joe."
"Here I thought you slept with another guy..."
"Nope." I shake my head.
He shakes his head. "You're too much." He's smiling. "You're too much."
"...Aren't you mad?"
"How can I be mad?! You cheated on me with a girl. I don't even think that's cheating..."
"But we... Had sex..."
"I'm gonna kill Nick. I was so distraught, trying to figure out what boy I was gonna kill for fucking my girlfriend... And it's a girl."
"...You're not mad?"
"No... I can't be mad. I'm mad that I wasn't there to watch it, though. That would've been hot.
"So like... Are you still my boyfriend?"
He sits back up and leans in to me. He kisses me on my lips, softly. No tongue involved.
"I missed you so much, babe." He strokes my cheek when he's done kissing me. "It was seriously the worst week of my life without you."
"I missed you too..."
He kisses me again, deeper this time. His tongue is soft in my mouth. It feels good.
"I'm gonna kill Nick." He kisses me again, just as deep. "I missed a week with you, all because he wouldn't tell me WHO you cheated with..."
"We can make up for that week..." I have my arms wrapped so tightly around him that my shoulders hurt. I missed him so much.
"We're definitely going out this weekend. Since we missed our anniversary." He kisses my neck, right below my ear.
"I forgot how much I loved your kisses..." I whisper to him, drawing his lips back to mine so I can kiss him again.
"You forgot? It's only been a week..." He kisses me again, tongue exploring every inch of my mouth.
"Mmm... I forgot." I pull away with his bottom lip between my teeth.
"What else did you forget?" He puts his hands on my hips.
"You don't wanna know..." I move his hands off my hips and onto my chest, since that's the only part of me above my waist that isn't sore from cuts.
"Will you tell me?" He squeezes my boobs.
"Only if you show me..."
"Deal."
I take my hand on put it right on his manhood. He's not that hard, but he's hard enough. I start massaging it. "I forgot what this feels like..."
"I might just have to refresh your memory..." He kisses my lips again and starts to take my shirt off.
"No... Leave it on.." I swat his hands away. I don't want him to see my lower stomach/hips.
"Why baby?"
"It's just chilly out here..."
"Whatever you want, baby." He kisses my neck again and takes off my pajama pants. "You're wearing a thong?"
"Sorry.. It was the only underwear I had clean..." I laugh and kiss him again.
"...Sexy." He takes my underwear off too. "I really missed this..." He kisses me on my cheek. "I love you..."
"I love you too." I reach up and curl my fingers in his hair.
"I'll always love you..." He looks in my eyes. "Forever."
"...Forever." I smile at him softly and nod. "Forever sounds good."
He makes a slight move and before I know it, he's inside of me. I'm making a mistake, because he doesn't have a condom. The last three times we had sex, he didn't have a condom. He's been pulling out. I'm not worried about getting pregnant, though.
The last three times we've had unprotected sex, he hasn't came. He's always, always, ALWAYS pulled out before he did, and I'd finish him off after that, usually with a blowjob or a handjob. I guess at least if he cums in my mouth or on my hand, I can't get pregnant.
I'll start protecting myself again though.
October 22, 2008
Dear Mom,
Last night went pretty well. I stayed over Selena's, and that was that.
Me and Selena talked some things out, and even though I can't fully forgive her, I can try to get things back to normal.
Joe came over Selena's last night, and I finally admitted everything to him. He wasn't so mad when he found out that I cheated on him with a girl. He forgave me and we made up. We had make up sex, but my favorite part of last night was after the sex. He held me and we looked up at the starts together.
We talked about the fact that we've been having unprotected sex a lot. He told me that he would NEVER get me pregnant, because he respects me more than that and he wants me to be able to live my life.
He told me in secrecy that he doesn't think that Nick cares about Selena as much as he says he does, because he got her pregnant. He said that Selena won't be able to enjoy her childhood now. I guess I agree.
Joe told me that my education and my right to be a teenager is the most important thing in the world to him. He said that he would never take that away from me.
I know that I really love Joe.
The cuts on my stomach are healing. In fact, they don't hurt so much in the shower anymore.
It feels like things are falling back into place, but there's no way for me to be completely sure. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
Until Next Time,
Love always,
Demi.
October 26, 2008
Dear Mom,
Today in school, we had an assembly. It was a very awkward assembly for me, because it was about rape.
They told us that rape is a very big deal and that it should be taken very seriously. It was just awkward for me to sit through it, so Mr. Carrison let me come sit with him in his room until it was over.
The assembly was two hours long, so I sat with Carrison through his lunch period. He ordered me an Italian hoagie from the place he got his lunch from. We sat in his room and watched a movie, and I helped him clean out his supply closet and stuff.
Carrison told me that I'm a really good kid. And he told me that I didn't deserve what Cody did for me. And he gave me his address and told me that if I ever need to talk, don't hesitate to come over because he thinks I really need someone to talk to.
I told him thank you, and it felt good because aside from my friends, he was the only one I told about you. He asked me why I had to move here, and I told him.
He lost his own mother to cancer. She had throat cancer. She died when he was 18. He also told me about his wife, Emily. She struggles to get pregnant every month.
It felt good to talk to Carrison on a personal level. I think I might have bonded with him, and the crush I had on him at the beginning of the year is definitely gone. He's a very good friend to me.
Aunt Kathy has finally finished the nursery for the baby. Not to be cocky, but my drawing of the tree really makes it pop.
I've been writing more and more songs lately, and I've noticed a drastic change in them. They're about love now, as opposed to the songs I wrote about sadness.
I just wish I could sing.
You were a beautiful singer.
Miss you more and more each day.
Until next time,
Love always,
Demi.
October 29, 2008
Dear Mom,
Today was a very good day.
First of all, Uncle Jason made the decision to retire from the service today. He made a promise to me and Aunt Kathy that he's serious this time. He said he's retiring, because he wants to be there for T.J., and T.J. won't need a daddy that's away all the time. I think Uncle Jason's commitment is noble.
Joe quit his other job today. He no longer works at the pizza place in the mall. He only works at Steve & Barry's, which means I have more time to spend with him.
I'm not sure when we're gonna go out for our anniversary, because between the both of us, we've been busy. Our date got postponed again, because I had to help Aunt Kathy finish the nursery on Saturday.
Joe bought me this really pretty ring. It's not an engagement ring, and it's not a promise ring. He said that its a commitment ring. He said that the ring is a symbol that I'm his girlfriend and that he's very serious about me. I never take it off. It's silver and white gold. The diamonds in it sparkle. I know that it wasn't cheap.
We started having protected sex again, so that's something to be proud of.
On an even lighter note than that, Selena found out today that she's having a little girl. The doctor still thinks she might be having twins, but they can't detect another heartbeat so probably not.
At lunch today, I helped her name the baby. Nick seems to be okay with the name too, but they both have to run the name by their parents. I think the name is beautiful, I can't believe that I came up with it.
The baby's name is going to be Luna Mackenzie.
I picked Luna because of Selena's name. Selena's name means "moon" in Spanish, and so does Luna. Nick picked Mackenzie.
Selena's kind of giving me baby fever.
Until next time,
Love always,
Demi.