November 5, 2008
Dear Mom,
I went to that bad place again today. I know it was all in my head, but it was bad again today.
Selena's staying in the hospital an extra day, and Nick's staying with her, so I was alone at school today.
It was okay for the most part, but I felt like a real loner.
The worst part about today was obviously lunchtime. I sat at the same table I usually sit at with Selena and Nick, but I was all alone.
Bitch Amanda and her posse all sat behind me. It was bad, because I couldn't see anything that they were doing.
An apple core got thrown at me, and somehow, nacho cheese got in my hair. They all claimed that they didn't throw it at me though.
My savior at lunchtime was Mr. Carrison. He was walking by with his lunch tray on his way to the teacher's lounge whenever he saw me scrubbing the cheese from my hair. He let me come sit in his room with him while we ate lunch.
Carrison told me that I was very special to him. When I asked him why, he told me that it was because I reminded him a lot of himself when he was sixteen.
He told me that I'm something like a wallflower, and he gave me a book to read. He gave me a book called The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I haven't started to read it yet, but I definitely will. Carrison told me that I remind him a lot of Charlie. I'm not sure who Charlie is yet.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I have developed a deep bond with Carrison.
Today was bad, but for a brief moment... Just a moment. Just 45 minutes out of my day...
Carrison was able to take me out of my bad place.
Until next time,
Love always,
Demi.
November 6, 2008
Dear Mom,
I started reading the wallflower book, and I will admit that it's scary how much I remind myself of Charlie. There are a lot of differences though. Like the fact that Charlie's parents love him and he actually lives with both of them.
What's the scariest is that he writes letters, just like I do. He doesn't write letters to his dead mom, though. There are more differences than similarities, but I still relate.
I also realize that I've heard this book before. I haven't read it, but I have heard it. I think Dallas and her study group were reading it in the living room one day, because I distinctly remember hearing someone say "Love Always, Charlie." That's where I got the idea to close the letters I write to you. When I started closing my letters with "Love Always, Demi", I thought it was just natural for me to do it. I realize now that it was natural, because I've heard it before.
In regardless, it's a very good book and I can't wait to start reading it again tonight.
Selena wasn't in school again today. She's doing better, though. Her baby is okay, and she's doing fine too. Her mom just wanted her to rest for the day. She should be back in school tomorrow.
I haven't really seen Selena much, because she's been in such bad shape. I've talked to her every night though. I keep her caught up on work even though she isn't missing much.
I guess I'm writing to you around this time because Joe's late. He was supposed to go cash his paycheck then come pick me up to take me to Taco Bell with him.
He said he'd be here to get me around 4:30 and it's 5:45 now. I wonder if he's truly late or if he's standing me up.
I'm going to go take a shower now, so I have to go. Hopefully Joe will be here when I get out.
Until next time,
Love always,
Demi.
I fold up my letter and routinely stuff it into my lockbox. My lockbox is getting way too full. I need somewhere new to put my letters.
I get up from my desk and walk to my bathroom. I would go downstairs, but my aunt isn't even home and my uncle is probably watching football.
I start my shower water and adjust the temperature. When it's at a good heat, I undress myself and step into the spray.
I really have to distract myself with little things like showers to keep from thinking about the fact that Joe's extremely late and probably not coming.
I wash up my body. It's been a while since I've shaved my legs, so I'm gonna shave them. It's been four days since the last time I've had sex with Joe, so there hasn't really been reason enough for me to shave.
I wash my hair and massage conditioner through it. I shave my legs, wash my hair out and finish up. If Joe is outside, I don't want to miss him.
I step out of my shower, put a towel on my head and wrap one around my body. Maybe Joe fell asleep or something.
I anxiously go back to my room and grab my phone to see if he texted or called.
No calls from him, no texts from him, but I do have a missed call from Nick.
I sigh and reluctantly call Nick back. I know I'm just reaching here, but what if Nick's calling in place of Joe to say he's breaking up with me?
"Demi?" Nick answers his phone.
"Yeah, it's me... What's up?" I cross my legs and clutch my towel to my naked body.
"I'm calling for Joe... I have something to tell you..."
"Okay..." My stomach churns. My far-fetched thinking was right. He's breaking up with me.
"Joe was um... He was like... Driving to the bank today. And he was like... Rushing and stuff because he was already late to come pick you up. And he was driving way too fast and he like... Wrecked into a pole or something..."
I literally can't breathe right now. My heart feels like it sinks to the bottom of my stomach, and my throat feels like it's closing up. I can't breathe.
"Demi? You still there?"
"Mmm..." Is the only noise I can muster up. I'm not crying yet, but my eyes are stinging and welling up with tears.
"Well... Um... We're all at the hospital and stuff. I just needed to let you know... That he's..."
I hang up on him. I can't hear him say that Joe's dead. I just can't hear that. I'm not prepared to hear that.
I hurriedly dry myself off and throw my dripping wet hair up into a bun. I throw on a pair of basketball shorts and a tank top, without a bra or underwear. I don't even grab my phone. I just slide on my flip flops and rush out of my door.
Uncle Jason is on the couch asleep. I know I'll probably get into a HEAP of trouble, but I don't care right now. I have to get to the hospital.
I grab the keys to the truck and dash out the front door. I would take my own car, but there's no motor in it at the moment.
I rush and start the car and back out the driveway. I drive down the road to get onto the highway. I can hardly see where I'm driving to through the tears that are spilling out of my eyes.
I don't know what I'm going to do if I get to this fucking hospital and Joe's dead. It might sound crazy, but I seriously WILL kill myself. Everyone around me is dying. I love him so much. He can't die.
My mom's dead. Selena's baby was close to dying. Joe might be dead. I think it's me that's causing all these death plagues.
I circle the hospital parking lot for a space and pull into the first available space I can find.
I get out of the car, forget to lock the doors behind me and just rush through the doors of the Emergency Room.
I'm not sure what floor Joe's on. I'm not sure what room he's in. I'm not sure of anything. I just need to get to him.
My hair is dripping down my back, and my nipples are inevitably showing through the t-shirt I just yanked on. Fuck bras and underwear.
"Excuse me?" I approach a secretary sitting at a desk. I probably look a hot mess. I'm still crying.
"What can I do for you?" She stops typing on a computer an looks up.
"I... My... Um..." I sniff and wipe my face. I clear my throat. "My boyfriend came in here a few moments ago... I was just wondering if you can tell me where he's at..."
"His last name?"
"Jonas." I wipe my eyes again, but it's pointless. I just keep crying.
"First name Joseph?"
"Yes."
"He was taken to..." She clicks something on her computer. "He was taken up to the Intensive Care Unit. He would be on the second floor in room 217."
"Thank you."
"No problem, hun."
I start walking as fast as I can without running to find an elevator. I press the elevator button at least 50 times before the doors open.
I get into the elevator and forget about my phobia of elevators. I press the second floor button at least 50 more times and the doors shut.
Why is everything moving so fucking slow?
After what seems like an eternity, the doors open and I'm on the second floor.
I rush out of the elevator and nearly run down the halls to find room 217.
215...216...217.
Dear god... When I walk into this room... Please let him be okay. Please god.
With my jaw trembling and tears flowing from my eyes, I walk into the room, deathly afraid of what I'm going to walk in to.
Nick's standing by the door next to Joe's older brother. Their younger brother is standing next to them too, the parents surrounding the bed. I can't see Joe between the doctor and his parents surrounding him.
I knock on the plexiglass softly.
When I knock, everyone turns their attention to the doorway, eyes on me.
"She's right here, honey. She's right here." Joe's mom sounds like she's comforting him by telling him that I'm here.
I walk into the room further, and that's when I can see him.
He's sitting up, eyes open and fully conscious. He has a bandaid above his eye, and bandages wrapped all around his arms. His shirt is off, and he has a bandage on his ribcage.
"DEMI!" He looks like he's going to get up from the bed and rush over to me.
Instead, I hurry over to him. I don't mean to, but I throw myself on him. He doesn't seem to mind, because he wraps his big, muscular arms around me.
"I thought you weren't gonna be okay..." I sob, my face in his neck. I'm crying so hard that my shoulders are hunching.
"I'm fine, baby. I'm fine. I'm okay..." He holds me even tighter, despite the bandages on his arms.
I can't stop crying. "You scared me... You scared me..."
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm okay baby..." He keeps his arms around me and pulls me up on his body so that I'm laying completely on top of him. He kisses me on my temple repeatedly.
I just keep crying. I can't stop blubbering.
"I'm sorry..." He kisses my temple again. "I'm okay..." He lets me cry on him, all the while rubbing my back.
"You're all he was asking for. All he wanted was to know where "his Demi" was. That's all." Joe's mom says to me.
I sniff. "Really?" I finally lift my head up.
"Yeah. He kept bugging me to call you. He was all "call my Demi. Nick, call her. Tell her I didn't forget about her." Nick mimics Joe's voice.
Usually, I have more respect than to kiss Joe in front of his parents, but I can't help it right now. I kiss him softly, but with enough meaning to let him know that I really love him.
"Come on boys. Let's give them a little bit of privacy. Let's go see what the cafeteria has to eat." Joe's mom stands by the door and waves everyone out of the room.
As soon as his whole family clears out, he starts talking to me again.
"...I'm sorry baby girl. I'm sorry. I fell asleep... And when I woke up, I was late to get you... And I was rushing..."
"Why would you do that? I wouldn't have cared if you were late! You don't risk your FUCKING LIFE to make sure you're on time for me. What's wrong with you?!"
"I know, baby. I'm sorry..."
"Sorry?! Joe... You... You scared the SHIT out of me." I wipe my eyes. "I thought you were dead!"
"I'm okay, Demi. I'm okay..."
"WHAT IF YOU WEREN'T?!... I can't deal with you dying on me... Not you..."
"I'm not gonna die, babe. I'm okay..." He kisses me. "I'm sorry. I love you. I'm so sorry."
"...Don't EVER..." I take a deep breath. "I'll kill you myself if you ever pull that shit again. Joe... I... I was gonna kill myself!..."
"I'm sorry baby girl..." He kisses me again. "... Where is your bra?"
"I just got out the shower! I rushed here for your dumb ass!"
"I'm so sorry, baby girl. I love you so much."
"I fucking... I love you too." I Kiss his lips.
Thank you god.