"Isn't it a little early for you to be leaving out with Joe?" Aunt Kathy is up bright and early with me.
I thought it was going to be easy for me to just sneak out this early. It's 6:45 in the morning. But no. Aunt Kathy just had to be awake this early too.
"Yeah, well... The place he's taking me is only open early..." I take a nervous sip of coffee. I'm sick to my stomach. I'm just praying that I'm not pregnant.
"Oh, really? Where's he takin you?" She hands me the sugar cubes for my coffee.
"...IHOP. For breakfast." I lie quick on my feet.
"Oh... That's nice. I wonder what made him decide to take you there..."
"I guess he figured he already took me to lunch and dinner. He's never taken me to breakfast..." I look away. I can't look in her face while I lie.
Aunt Kathy sits down across from me. "So tell me where you're REALLY going." She stirs her coffee.
I focus on her gigantic belly. I hate lying. "We're going to IHOP..."
"Demi..."
"Yes?"
"You're lying to me."
Man, I wish the planned parenthood clinic wasn't only open until 10 a.m. It'd be so much easier to lie if we didn't have to leave this early. "No I'm not. Why would I lie?"
"I don't know. You tell me why would would lie to my face. Like you're doing right now..."
"I'm not lying, Aunt Kathy."
"Really, Demi? I think I've been cool enough with you this far. I thought I made it clear that you can tell me just about anything..." She looks at me with daggers. I can't tell her. I'll break her heart.
I just stay quiet, staring into my coffee cup.
"Alright. I can't make you tell me. But if it's serious, you should tell me..." She picks up the newspaper and starts reading it.
I just keep looking into the coffee cup. I'm about to cry. I'm lying to my aunt and going to find out if I'm pregnant. This is just too much...
"...Aunt Kathy?" I feel the tears coming. I keep staring into the coffee cup.
"Hmm?"
"Is there anything I can do... To make you kick me out?" I finally look up from the cup. I'm crying.
She puts down the newspaper and looks at me. "Are you going to tell me why you're lying?"
"...I'm not lying." I try to keep it up one last time.
"Yes you are, Demi. Because the nearest IHOP doesn't open until 10:30 on Saturdays, and even then the nearest IHOP is an hour away. You're lying."
I'm caught. I might as well just tell her. "Oh..."
"So tell me why you're lying. I'm more angry if you continue to lie. Just tell me the truth. Where are you going this early?"
"...Please don't kick me out..."
"Kick you out?"
I nod. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."
"Just tell me what it is, Demi. I can handle it."
Oh no, Aunt Kathy. I don't know if you can handle this... "I have to go to Planned Parenthood..." I sniff.
"Planned Parenthood? PLANNED PARENTHOOD? Why?!"
I cover my hands over my face and just start sobbing. The last time I even came close to crying this hard was at my mommy's funeral. Please don't let me be pregnant. "Because... Y...yesterday I... We... We had sex... And there wasn't a condom..."
"Jesus CHRIST, DEMI. JESUS CHRIST." Aunt Kathy has never yelled at me like this before... Ever. "I BUY YOU CONDOMS! I BUY THEM FOR YOU! I JUST BOUGHT YOU A BRAND NEW BOX. ARE THEY GONE ALL FUCKING READY? WHY DO YOU HAVE SEX THAT MUCH?!"
"No... No..." I shake my head still sobbing. "No... They're not gone... They're not gone... I just didn't use one yesterday... But I'm not birth control!"
"YOU HAVE TO BE ON BIRTH CONTROL FOR A SOLID THREE MONTHS FOR IT ACTUALLY WORK, DEMI." She pinches the bridge of her nose. "Oh my god... Oh my lord... Oh my god."
"I'm sorry! I tried to make him pull out but it just happened... It just happened..." I shake my head. I'm just sobbing.
"What happens if you're PREGNANT, Demi?! Then what?! HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID!? YOU'RE A STRAIGHT A STUDENT... YOU DUMB ASS."
"I said sorry... I'm sorry..." I hiccup and sniff.
"...You know... You know VERY well that your uncle and I are... VERY into church. You know that we go to church every Sunday. And you know that we don't ask you to go, Demi. You know we don't ask ANYTHING from you... Except to keep your grades up and stay out of trouble... And you pull THIS?!" She shakes her head. She's crying too. "As GOD as my witness, Demetria. GOD as my witness... If you're pregnant... If you're PREGNANT... I... I have NEVER laid a hand on you. Ever... But if you're having a baby... You better run. Because I'm going to hurt you, Demi. I'm GOING to hurt you. And then... I will PAY out of my POCKET to get you an abortion."
"An abortion?" I sniff. How hypocritical of me to have an abortion. I begged Selena not to...
"You're NOT having a baby, Demi. You are NOT having a baby."
"I...isn't that my decision?"
"You're sixteen. Nothing is your decision." I've never seen my aunt so angry before. I've NEVER seen it.
"A...I... I have to go..." I sniff and stand up with shaky legs. I heard Joe beep outside.
"You better pray it goes your way, Demetria. Because I'm NOT joking."
"...I love you Aunt Kathy.. And I'm sorry..."
"Just go, Demi. Go..."
I sniff again and walk towards the door. Dear god, I can't be pregnant. I can't be pregnant.
Please god.
November 14, 2008
Dear Mom,
Today is BAD. Today is horrible. Today is the scariest, most nerve-wracking day of my life.
So, let me start at the beginning.
Yesterday, dinner was amazing. The restaurant was super fancy, and the food was delicious.
But while we were waiting for our food, Joe started touching me under the table. He was fingering me and stuff and then we went to the bathroom. I didn't didn't bring my purse to the bathroom.
But it was so heat of the moment that I forgot it. And me and Joe had sex. Really, really good sex in the bathroom at the restaurant. It's not my proudest moment, mom.
And Joe busted. Inside of me. He didn't pull out. He just busted. And it filled me up, so I know he did it.
So today, he took me to Planned Parenthood. Aunt Kathy is SO mad at me. She didn't tell Uncle Jason about it, but she's LIVID. I have to have an abortion if I'm pregnant. Aunt Kathy is making me.
I took a blood test today at Planned Parenthood. The nurse said that she'd call me back ASAP with my results. Joe put a rush on it, which was an extra $30.
Joe was going to come over and sit with me, but Aunt Kathy said no. He cried when he had to leave me.
He also cried in the clinic's office. Neither one of us want to have a baby.
I'm grounded until further notice. I won't be off groundation until my results come back.
I'm so nervous, mom. I'm so nervous. What if I'm pregnant?
I haven't told Selena about this. I haven't told anyone except Joe and Aunt Kathy. I don't want to alarm anyone yet.
I'm just praying to god that I'm not pregnant. I will... NEVER have sex without a condom again. Ever.
It's just sad how we practice safe sex all the time but have one little slip up and now it's the end of the world.
I just hope I'm not pregnant.
Until next time,
Love always,
Demi.
I don't bother folding up my letter. I just get up from my chair and lie down on my bed.
I call Joe. I haven't stopped crying at all today. It's a wonder I have tears left.
"Hello?"
"Hey..." I sniff.
"Hi baby... Did they call you?"
"No..."
"It's gonna be alright, baby. It's gonna be alright..."
"No it's not... I can't have a baby..."
"I know you can't have a baby... I know... And I'm so sorry baby... I'm so sorry..."
"...I just..."
"I'm sorry baby. It's all my fault... It's my fault, baby... It's my fault..."
"Joe... I..."
"...I'll be here, baby. I'm so sorry..."
"I know..." I sniff. "I know... "
"I... I'm gonna go now, baby. I have to take a shower... Call me when they call you. Okay? I love you..."
"I love you too..."
We both hang up. I feel so lousy. Please don't let me be pregnant. I can't be pregnant.
I'm a little thirsty. I roll off my bed and walk to the steps. I go downstairs and straight to the kitchen. Aunt Kathy hasn't said a word to me since this morning.
I go in the fridge and grab a can of Dr. Pepper. I crack it open and take a sip. I sit down at Jorge's cage. "Hi, Jorge..." I sniff and pet his head. "Hi baby."
Jorge whimpers and kicks my hand. I'm glad he still loves me.
Interrupting the moment is the telephone. The phone starts ringing loud.
"...I'll get it." I wipe my face. I know it's probably the clinic. I don't know if I'm ready for this...
I stand up and grab the phone off the hook. "Hello?"
"Hello, this is Dr. Dell from Family Planning... Is there a... Demetria there?" A cheerful little voice booms on the other end of the phone. I hope the cheerful isn't to spread cheerful, baby-filled news.
"Speaking..." I mumble.
Aunt Kathy comes over and stands by me. "Is it them?" She mouths to me.
I nod.
"Hi, Demetria. I'm just calling to confirm your test results with you."
"Okay..."
"We got all your bloodwork back, and everything came back completely negative. We are... 99.9% sure that you are not pregnant."
I sigh. I sigh in relief. I sigh in IMMENSE relief. I'm so relieved. Thank you GOD.
"Okay, thank you. Thank you so much... Thank you." I smile so big. Oh my GOD I'm SO happy. I hang the phone up.
"Negative?" Aunt Kathy asks.
"Yes. Yes yes yes yes. YES. Negative..."
Aunt Kathy cracks a smile too. She actually hugs me. "Don't EVER scare me like that..." She hugs me tight. "Don't scare me, Demi."
"I'm sorry... I scared myself!" I'm so happy. Jesus Christ...
"...No more sex. No more..."
"No more sex without a condom, that's for sure." I laugh a little.
I'm SO happy. Oh my GOD I'm happy.
I have to tell Joe now.