May 23, 2009

Dear Mommy,

I know. It's been a while since I've picked up this pencil and written to you. I hope you don't feel like I've left you out too much.

The truth is, I'm writing this to tell you that I love you and I miss you and I know you'd be proud of me.

Since I've stopped writing, I've gotten a lot better and a little bit worse.

Let me start with the smallest thing. I think you should know that I don't call Aunt Kathy "Aunt Kathy" anymore. I've finally made the transition, and I call her "ma." I thought I was just going to call her "Zia" like we planned to, but it felt almost natural to call her "ma." I will never call her "mom" though. I don't know how this makes you feel, but I really hope it doesn't make you feel too bad, because I'm not trying to replace you. It just feels right to call her "ma", because she has been the best substitute for you. Nobody could ever replace you.

The worst things come when I lie in bed and think too much about you, and I start to cry. But then I think about how you're happier in heaven and I feel better. And I think about the fact that you hated to see me cry. And for that reason, I don't cry anymore. I smile mostly. It still gets a little hard to think about the fact that you're gone. But it helps to think that I can...and I WILL see you again.

On to the good things.

I don't see the therapist anymore. I talked to her for a few months, but then she said she was proud of me and that I was doing fine. She decided that I didn't need her, and she discharged me from her list. So, I don't see a psychologist anymore, but I still see a psychiatrist every eight weeks. The psychiatrist asks me how I'm doing and she tells me if how I feel is normal. I do, however, take one tiny orange pill a day to manage my "manic depression" also known as bipolar disorder. I finally got a diagnosis, mommy. Isn't that what you and daddy wanted all along?

The better things in my life come in a plethora. And I can tell that it's different this time, because I don't get that bad feeling anymore. And when something good happens to me, I don't feel like something bad is going to follow. I feel like I deserve it when it happens to me.

Most important good thing in my opinion is that Joe has proposed to me. I know it's a little silly for me to only be sixteen (and a half!) and already have a fiancé, but mom Joe IS the one. It completely took me by surprise when he did it. He took me back to Disney World on New Year's Eve and proposed to me under the fireworks. My engagement ring is completely different from anything I've ever even witnessed. It's not exactly a ring at all. It's a necklace with the ring attached to the chain. Joe got me a necklace, because he doesn't want me to get any snide remarks about wearing an engagement ring on my finger. Joe wears his on his finger, but I guess it's a little more acceptable for a nineteen year old to be engaged than a sixteen year old.

I've already started my plans for what I'm going to do when I get out of high school, and even though I'm still a junior, senior year is literally right around the corner. I have to admit that It's not what I thought I was going to do all my life, but it's a happy transformation.

I still love to draw, but I'm going to go to a performing arts college and major in music, because I've been taking singing lessons and I realize that I am actually very good at singing. Uncle Jason and Aunt Kathy have been paying for my singing lessons with my voice coach, but I do help them every once in a while because I got a job operating the bumper cars at the boardwalk's amusement park. It doesn't pay much, but it's a part-time job, so I don't expect much. It helps pay for my lessons every once in a while. It even helps me save at least twenty bucks a week to put away for college. Joe has promised me, his parents and my parents that he won't marry me until I get an education.

Speaking of education, I've been doing well in school. Bitch Amanda leaves me alone, and school is no longer brutal. I'm at ease when I go to school now. I've been on the honor roll almost every semester.

I also think that I'll play sports in college, because Uncle Jason seems to really enjoy watching me play. He can't wait until T.J. gets old enough for him to coach his team. Uncle Jason has time enough to work with me and take me to the batting cages now that he is formally out of the service.

Selena is back in school and has been since Luna was born, almost a month ago. Luna was a month early, and she has a few complications with her health, but she is the happiest baby I've ever met. Her and T.J. really get along. I think Luna looks like Selena, but you could make an argument and say she looks like Nick. She has dark curly hair and chubby, tanned cheeks. I think she's adorable, despite her "complications."

The cuts on my wrist are mere scars now, and I've been treating them with this cream, so they're hardly noticeable. Uncle Jason bought me this pink cream to put on them so that the scars will fade. I don't think about cutting anymore, and if I do happen to think about it, I sing. I usually sing to T.J. He looks at me with his cute little blue eyes and he falls asleep when I sing to him. I like singing to T.J. He's my little baby.

Everyone seems to be having babies these days though! Mr. Carrison and Emily are in the final stages of adopting a baby girl from Russia named Mallie. I've met her a couple times and she's adorable. She has blonde hair and green eyes. She's really cute. She'll fit into their lives well. Emily made me her designated baby sitter! So, I'll be seeing her a whole lot. Even though Carrison won't be my teacher next year, I'll still see him a lot, because he and Emily still invite me to dinner and lunch and stuff.

More big changes are coming to my life, mommy. Aunt Kathy is having another baby sometime in December and we think it's going to be a girl. If it's a girl, they're going to name her "Ever Anne." I like Ever Anne as a name. It's unique. If it's another boy, they're going to name him "Liam Weston." I hope it's not another boy. I play with Luna all the time and she's so much more fun. Plus, her clothes are cuter than T.J.'s.

In even better news,

Daddy, and Maddie have found a house here in Daytona Beach, and they're moving here in three months. I'm excited for them to be here, mommy! But, I'm not moving in with them. I'm staying with the best replacement parents I could ever ask for. The house they got is three streets down from our house, and it has four bedrooms just in case I ever do decide to stay with them for a weekend or something. Daddy is well on his feet now, and his job is allowing him to still work for them over the computer when he moves here. Daddy said he's tired of being away from me. I'm tired of it too.

Dallas also transferred to Florida State, so she'll be here too. She's not going to the main campus of Florida State, because if she did, she'd have to in Miami two hours away. So instead, she's going to one of the branch-off campuses in Orlando which is only a half hour away, so she'll commute back and forth. I'm so glad I'm getting my family back. Everyone's going to be here except for you, but you'll be here in spirit, because I'm never letting your memory die.

It took me nearly a year, but I'm finally at peace with the fact that you're gone and there's nothing I can do about it besides remember you. I've finally come to terms with your death. And even though it sucks, I won't let it tear me down like I've let it tear me down for the past year of my life.

Please don't think that I'm trying to replace you, because I'm not. You were and still are the best mom I could have ever asked for, and I am still incredibly blessed to have spent fifteen years of my life with you. They were fifteen of my best years, but I'm ready to let all the sadness in my heart go, and I'm going to have fifteen more good years, because I owe it to myself.

So I guess my real purpose of writing this letter is to tell you goodbye. Goodbye and thank you for listening, even on my worst days. Thank you for being there for me, mom. Thank you for hearing me out. Thank you for letting me talk. Thank you for being my escape.

This will be my last letter. I may not be too convincing right now, but please believe me when I say that I'm fine. And even on the days where my mind will wonder to that scary place again, I will still be okay because I have you watching over me.

I don't know who I am yet, mommy. I don't know who I'm gonna be. But I will make you proud. And I will be a strong woman because I had you.

I love you unconditionally. And thank you for being the best friend I've ever had.

Love always, because there won't be a next time,

Demetria.

I scoot out of my infamous desk chair, and I fold up the letter. I put it with all the others inside a large orange envelope, and I grab a pen. I seal the orange envelope, and scribble down an address on the front. I put a postage stamp in the corner of the envelope and leave it safely on my desk.

I have to be ready in at least ten minutes or I'll be late.

"DEMI, COME ON!" Aunt Kathy screams at me. I know I'm running late. I'm sorry. I had to write my last letter.

"I'M COMING!" I pull up my gold socks to my knees and slide on my slip-on shoes. I toss my lengthy black hair up into a ponytail and grab my sun visor. It's grown out a lot in the past months. It almost touches my waist now. Joe likes it.

"WE'LL BE IN THE CAR. YOUR KEYS ARE ON THE BANNISTER." Uncle Jason takes his turn hollering up the steps. I hear the front door open and close.

Okay, okay. I'm ready. I grab my cell phone off my dresser and rush downstairs. I don't have to close my door anymore because Jorge stopped peeing on my bed. I touch my engagement necklace to make sure it's still around my neck. I won't do good in my game unless I have it on.

I grab my car keys and rush outside. I already have my car full of people. It's humid outside today. I feel bad making them wait for me. I feel even worse for myself because I have to go out and put all the catcher's gear on to play today.

I toss my big bag into my trunk and walk over to my Aunt Kathy's seat in the truck. I stroke my fingers along the smooth paper of the big envelope. "...I need you to mail this for me, when you get the chance." I say nervously. I hand her the big orange envelope.

She looks down at the address on it. She smiles. "I'll mail it first thing tomorrow, Demi." She pats my hand to let me know that she's there for me.

"Thanks, ma." I smile back and go to the backseat where the car seat is. "See you in a couple minutes, T.J." I coo in a little friendly voice for him as I rub his tiny fingers. He just remains asleep. Two month old babies don't really do much.

T.J. is cute though. His dark brown hair and his bright blue eyes make me melt like a Popsicle. I always give him a kiss before my games. I swear it helps me hit better.

I walk away from their truck and over to my red convertible. It was yellow when I first got it, but if I'm going to have a car, it has to change with me. And yellow isn't my favorite color anymore. Red is more mature. Red is my changing color. Who knows? Maybe by next month, my car will be blue. I'm changing everyday. I need room to grow.

I hop into the driver's seat of my car, excitedly. The last away game of the season, and I'm so ready to go out and kick butt. Especially with everyone watching me.

"You look so good in your uniform, future Mrs. Jonas." Joe leans over from the passengers seat and awaits my kiss.

I lean towards him too, and our lips meet. I've been dating Joe for eight months, and there are still sparks whenever we kiss. That's pretty damn good if you ask me."Thank you, Mr. Jonas." I smile after we're done kissing and hectically look back into the backseat. "Buckle up real good guys."

"Will do..." Nick says sarcastically, his eyes fixated on what's lying inside the pink and yellow car seat. He gives her a kiss and adjusts the hearing aid in her tiny little ear. I swear, she's such a happy baby that nobody would ever guess that she was born partially deaf.

I turn back and touch her. "What you doing, Luna bear?" She sticks her tongue out at me and turns her head to Selena. Selena kisses her cheek and puts a pacifier in her mouth. "Say I'm not doing anything, Aunt Demi." Luna closes her eyes. The hearing aid allows her to hear just a little bit, enough for her to know if you're talking to her.

I turn back around and buckle my own seatbelt. I think we're ready to leave.

"Hey, put this in the CD player." Selena leans up and hands me her CD. She has my number, number 15 written in eyeliner on her cheek. Fifteen was my mom's favorite number. Fifteen is also the age I lost her.

Things between me and Selena aren't as weird as they used to be. She's my best friend and I'm her best friend. We don't even think of each other in that way anymore. Come to think of it, I haven't thought about what went on between us in a really long time. Back when I actually was talking to the therapist, she told me that it was normal for young girls to experiment with their friends, and that almost all teenagers do that at least once or twice. She said it doesn't make me a lesbian, and it doesn't make me bisexual. It makes me "bicurious."

I pop the CD in my player and back out of my driveway. Aunt Kathy, Uncle Jason and T.J. are going to follow us to the softball field for my away game. I'm the only one that knows how to get to the field, so they have to follow me.

They pull out their big black truck behind me. I start speeding up the highway with the people that care the most about me. The people that I care the most about in the world.

As I speed along the highway, on the way towards the field, the song that Selena wanted to hear comes on. And we all sing along, because we all know this song from the time we were all on the boardwalk together at the beach. Even Nick and Joe sing with us.

I don't want to sound like a bitten off version of my favorite book, but it's true. And I can't help but to relate how I'm feeling to how Charlie feels. I'm feeling infinite too. And infinite is a good feeling.

"I think about you in the summertime..." I sing along to the song that's playing.

"And all the good times we had baby!" Selena picks up where I left off. She's singing to Luna. Even though Luna can hardly hear, she loves it when people sing to her. Especially me. I put her to sleep a lot by singing to her.

"It's been a few years and I can't deny... The thought of you still makes me crazy!" I smile and grip the steering wheel tighter, glancing over at Joe. This is the first time he's ridden with me since I passed my driver's test last month.

"I hate New Kids on The Block." Joe mumbles, looking back at me. I could just kiss him again.

"Then don't listen." I joke around to him, laughing.

We pass the sign on our way to my game. The sign that says "You Are Now Exiting Daytona Beach."

I'm exiting Daytona Beach. My home. As much as I didn't want it to be at times, Daytona Beach IS my home. It's where I belong.

I think about that envelope I gave to Aunt Kathy. I think about how it contains all 60-something letters that I've written to mom. I think about how happy she'll be when she gets those letters.

And I know that the address I wrote on it doesn't exist. I know that I'll probably get the envelope back. But just knowing that I mailed the letters makes me happy. I addressed them to Mrs. Dianna Lee De La Garza. The best mommy in the world. I addressed them to go to heaven.

Like I said...

I don't know who I am.

I don't know who I'm gonna be.

All I know is that I'm living in this moment. And I'm living for me. I'm living with the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I'm living with the cutest "lil brother" ever. I'm living with the most amazingly happy godbaby ever. The best parents I could have ever wanted. And the most amazing fiancé.

And I realize that where you're born doesn't make a home.

I'm glad I finally found my home.

Where your heart is, and where the people that love you are...

THAT is what makes a home.