Note: This chapter begins immediately after the "kiss that didn't come." For those of you with weak hearts, this is the last 'rough' chapter. Things start looking up really soon - I promise! As always, thanks for reading!
Lorelai had lived her life learning how to cover her tracks. When you're the type of person who opens her mouth on a daily―sometimes hourly―basis and wildly inappropriate things coming pouring out, you learn how to twist them to your advantage. You learn how to recover. You learn how to never let 'em see you sweat.
So before the moment could lengthen much further into awkwardness, waiting for that kiss that Luke obviously didn't want to bestow on her, she scooted herself upright on the bed, leaning her shoulders back against the headboard. She shifted her focus away from his uneasy eyes and to the cellophane length of crackers instead, pulling out another and bringing it to her lips. Munching it gave her mouth something to do.
"Well, since you're the one with a plan here, what's next?" she asked, chewing.
"I figured you'd want to call Rory."
That brought chewing to a halt. "Rory?" she questioned tentatively.
"I figured you'd want her here." He smiled sheepishly at her. "I know there's no way you'd do something like this without Rory here."
The warmth she always felt when he made it apparent how much he cared for Rory broke over her.
"We're not much more than an hour away from her. Hopefully she can make it here tomorrow."
Lorelai felt her eyes open wide in panic, and she forced what was left of the cracker down her throat. Tomorrow. They were really getting married tomorrow. She was really pregnant, and she had really agreed to marry Luke for all the wrong reasons, and now she had to call her daughter and explain this crazy plan and make it sound plausible. Sure. Easy.
She moved the sleeve of crackers to the bedside table as she shifted her position nervously. She licked the salty taste off her lips and cleared her throat, pushing her hair back behind her ears.
"Luke, are you sure…Are you sure this is what you want?"
"I know this is what I want," he said firmly, handing her the phone.
She nodded, trying to absorb some of the confidence radiating out from him. She opened her phone, but snapped it back shut almost immediately.
Sighing, she tried to explain. "I don't want to tell her all this over the phone. Of course I want her to be here. But telling her we're suddenly back together and getting married and she's got a sibling on the way…It's too much. Let me get her here and then we'll break everything to her in person. I just…I don't want you to think I'm trying to hide stuff from her. It's just too much at once."
Luke considered, and then nodded. "You're probably right. I'll leave that up to you."
Lorelai glanced over at the clock. "I can maybe get her before she leaves her room." She took a deep breath as she pushed Rory's number and forced a sunny look onto her face.
"Hey, Kid!" she cried out, striving to hit her normal level of happiness in talking with her daughter. "How's it hangin'?"
Luke gave his head a little shake and went to get ready for the day, leaving Lorelai privacy for her talk with Rory.
Twelve minutes later she slumped back against the bed, exhausted. She knew Rory was suspicious, but she'd finally accepted Lorelai's explanation that she hadn't gotten sick after all but had instead felt the overwhelming desire to flee Stars Hollow, and had landed in this ducky little town on the Chesapeake which Rory now needed to come share with her.
"She'll be here tomorrow afternoon," she muttered tiredly to Luke, who had emerged from the bathroom completely dressed, his hair still damp from the shower.
"She knows how to get here?" he asked worriedly.
"I'm sure she's Mapquesting as we speak," she assured him. "I told her there was a fabulous restaurant, so she needed to bring along something nice to wear. So…I guess now we need to find a fabulous restaurant."
"Sure," he agreed. He moved over to the dresser to put on his watch.
"Are you calling April now?" she challenged him.
"What?" His head shot up to look at her in the mirror over the dresser.
"Well, my daughter is going to be here. Don't you want your daughter here?"
"I…" He finished strapping on his watch, then turned to face her. "I hadn't really thought about it."
"Really?" she questioned. She focused her gaze across the room. "You haven't thought about it or you still don't want her around me?"
"I hadn't thought about it," he said shortly. "And frankly, I don't see any way to get her here. I can hardly call her mother and ask her to drive her four hours to get here on such short notice. That would probably just be asking for trouble. We'll tell her when we get back."
Lorelai shook her head. "That seems wrong."
"Look." Luke put his hands on his waist and slowly scanned the room as he got his thoughts together. "I like April. I really do. It doesn't seem weird to have her around now. And I think she's warming up to me, but our…relationship…it's not really like a father and daughter yet. We're trying. But I really don't think it's to the point yet where it matters whether or not she'll be here."
Lorelai's mouth opened in disbelief. "Luke, of course it matters! You don't think that she'll be hurt at being left out? Because trust me, I know what that feels like, and it hurts!"
"We're not leaving her out," he muttered. He didn't appreciate Lorelai reminding him that he'd hurt her already this morning, nor did he care for her once again pointing out that he was doing this fathering thing wrong. He took a deep breath and buried the irritation he was feeling. "I don't see any way to make it happen, so let's just make the best of it, OK?"
She squeezed her eyes shut, knowing it was wrong, and once again knowing that she was locking down her own feelings to keep him happy. "OK," she sighed, capitulating.
He opened the door and picked up the newspaper lying in the hall for them. She got out of bed and started gathering her things to get dressed.
"What's next on the agenda?" she tried to ask lightly, trying to move beyond their first disagreement of the day.
"Well, breakfast," he said, smiling at her enthusiastic thumbs-up to that idea. "Then, probably shopping."
"Shopping?" she squeaked, stunned.
"You didn't pack a wedding dress, did you?" he kidded her, a half-second before his internal censor kicked on.
"No, I didn't." She steeled herself against visualizing her perfect dress hanging forlornly in her closet at home.
He hurried past his thoughtless words. "Well, we need to go find you something pretty to wear, then. Probably some shoes, too," he added, trying to sweeten the pot.
Her eyes started to shine a little bit. "You'll go shoe shopping with me?"
"I'll do anything you want me to today," he promised.
She grinned then, her full-on Lorelai grin. "You may live to regret that," she teased.
He grinned back at her. "I expect nothing less," he confirmed.
They found the dress in the third store, which was two stores too many as far as Luke was concerned, but he agreed that the dress was perfect. It didn't look like anything Lorelai would normally wear but she decided to try it on just for fun, and when she came out of the dressing room, her eyes totally shining in deliglht, they both knew it was the one.
It was ice-blue, with an empire waist and a handkerchief hem, cap sleeves and a scooped neckline edged with just a little bit of white lace. It laced up the back and looked as if the designer had fitted it specifically to Lorelai's measurements. The blue made her eyes dance and altogether it looked like a dress special enough to get married in.
They had to compromise on the shoes. Luke nixed the pair with the high, high heel that Lorelai swooned over, already worried about her tripping while pregnant. Her scoffing couldn't dissuade him, so she at last conceded defeat and went with a white dressy sandal that was her second choice.
Back out on the street, Luke carrying their bags, Lorelai could barely contain her shopping high. "What's next?" she chirped, practically skipping along beside him.
He found he just couldn't do grumpy today, not with her like this. "Jewelry store," he stated, with a little grin.
That stopped her in her tracks. "Jewelry?" she gasped.
In response, he picked up her left hand, pointing at her ring finger.
"Oh," she said, stunned. "Of course."
Luke had consulted a map of the retail area and led her into a fine jeweler's he'd seen listed.
As soon as they stepped inside, Lorelai zeroed in on the wedding ring case. In no time she was quipping a mile a minute with the young female salesperson, trying on ring after ring.
Luke smiled, not bothered by the fact that she was trying on rings that were probably worth more than the diner and the Dragonfly combined. He knew that this was just like her wanting to taste every possible wedding cake combination, even though she already knew what she wanted before she stepped in the door. He knew she'd select something gorgeous, but reasonable.
He stepped over to the far end of the case, and an older man instantly came over to assist him.
"Could I see that one?" Luke asked, pointing to a plain silver band.
"Certainly," the man said, unlocking the case and pulling out the display Luke had pointed out.
Lorelai was suddenly right at his side. "You're getting a ring?" Her voice almost sounded accusing.
"Well, yeah," he told her mildly. "I'm getting married too."
She blinked a few times, astonished. "You want to wear a wedding ring?"
"Sure," he shrugged.
She couldn't keep the words from spilling out. "You didn't before."
He grimaced. "Yeah, well, neither did Nicole."
"But you want to, this time."
"Well, it's a real marriage this time."
Is it? Lorelai wanted to scream. Instead she looked at the smooth silver band Luke was turning around on his hand.
He nodded his approval to the salesman. "I run a diner, and I do some woodworking. I don't want anything that I'm going to have to worry about while I'm doing that."
"Let's see about the size," the salesman said, bringing out the finger-sizing gauge.
Lorelai stared at the dull gray rounds the man was pushing on Luke's finger to find the correct size. She thought there was little difference between them and the actual ring Luke had picked out.
The jeweler found the ring he needed down below the display case and pulled it out to show Luke. Luke, in turn, held it in his hand, scrutinizing it. He gave a nod of approval and then held it out to show Lorelai.
She took a sharp breath, staring at the plain silver band before turning to the jeweler. "I want one to match."
"Lorelai, no," Luke protested. "Just because this is what I want doesn't mean that you have to. Pick out something pretty for you. Get what you want."
"I want this," Lorelai said stubbornly, pointing at his ring. "I want to match."
"Lorelai." Luke's voice was taking on that note of total exasperation. "This ring looks nothing like you. I want you to pick out something for you."
"I pick this," she insisted.
He tried again, bending his head closer to hers to talk more privately. "You know what my day is like. My hands are in grease and hot water all day. I don't want to be wearing anything that I have to worry about, but that doesn't mean you do. I know there are at least a dozen rings over there that suit you better. I want you to pick out something that'll make you happy to wear it."
"This will make me happy." She pointed again at the plain band and firmly nodded at the jeweler.
"Cecily," the jeweler called to his associate. When she stepped over, he pointed to an area in the display case and then to Lorelai. "Why don't you show the lady some of these wedding bands right here? I believe they may be a close match." He then moved out from behind the counter and moved towards another display case in the center of the room. "Sir," he said to Luke, "if I may?"
When Luke joined him, the man smiled kindly. "It's my experience with brides, sir, that when they get that particular tone in their voice, it's suicide to try and reason with them anymore. It usually just makes things worse for the groom."
Luke sighed wearily. "Yeah," he agreed, resigned.
"This may be a solution for you, in the future." The jeweler tapped on the case, drawing Luke's attention to the rings showcased inside.
He didn't expect to be interested in whatever it was the man wanted to show him, but a ring made up of alternating square diamonds and oval sapphires instantly caught his eye.
"These are called eternity bands," the jeweler explained. "They're often given on an anniversary, or on the birth of a child, to show the wife that you'd marry her all over again." He followed Luke's line of vision to the ring featuring the sapphires. "With her eyes, that would be an excellent choice," he confirmed.
"I'll keep that in mind," Luke told him.
"Very good," the jeweler said, "because believe me," and here he motioned towards Lorelai, "you will not win this battle today."
Luke had to chuckle a little bit at that. "No," he agreed. "I never expect to win a battle with her."
The man smiled at him conspiratorially. "Well, if you've already learned that lesson, then I predict a long and happy marriage for the two of you."
In short order the rings were purchased and they were back outside on the sunny sidewalk, the two velvet boxes tucked safely into Luke's pocket.
The sun was shining just as brightly as it had been a little earlier, the flowers planted in containers along the storefronts were just as cheery, and just as many duck-themed window displays were available for mocking, but Lorelai was silent. Eerily silent. Luke soon felt the burden of whatever was weighing on her pressing against him.
"You OK?" he asked cautiously. He wondered if she was feeling queasy again and didn't want to spoil their outing.
She shot him a quick, guilty smile; the fake one that he detested. "Sure. Great," she said airily, with just a hint of sarcasm.
He stopped abruptly. "Come on, tell me. What's wrong?"
She didn't try to smile anymore. She opened her mouth, but then snapped it back closed. "Nothing," she said, sounding defeated.
Luke shook his head vigorously. "No, we're not doing this anymore. Tell me," he insisted.
Her eyes darted nervously across the street to some colorful banners flying in the wind coming off the sea. The same breeze made her push her hair out her face. With a deep sigh she turned to him. "You married her," she said simply.
"Yes, I know," he said snidely. "I was there."
He watched as Lorelai's face swiftly transformed into that mask she'd worn for most of the spring. She swallowed hard, nodding, and turned to continue on down the sidewalk.
He closed his eyes momentarily, kicking himself mentally. Hard.
"Wait," he said gruffly, reaching for her arm. "I'm sorry. I don't want it to be like this between us anymore. I want you to talk to me." His fingers caressed her skin where he was touching her arm, just a little. "I'll listen. I promise."
Her hand fluttered up to her hair again, nervously, while her eyes skittered over the displays across the street. "How did she do it?" she finally asked, softly. "How did she get you to marry her?"
His lips pressed together, grimly. "We've talked about this a million times."
"No. No, we haven't," Lorelai disputed, finding some long-lost backbone. "We talked about it once, that first night you told me, that night you were helping me get Rory packed up for Yale. And then, after we got engaged, I think there was one quick reference from you, something along the lines of how I was it for you. But we haven't really talked about it at all." She tossed him a defiant look.
Luke's eyes focused far-off down the street, wishing they were still on their lighthearted shopping trip. He knew this was important. He also knew this was a discussion he didn't want to have. He knew if he truly wanted Lorelai and a chance at making this work that they needed to start breaking down the walls around all of the topics they'd skillfully managed to ignore over the years. He recognized that this was a turning point. He was just terrified at turning the wrong way.
He spotted a small park in the next block, with a bubbling fountain and benches scattered around it. He nudged Lorelai, pointing towards it. "Let's go sit down," he suggested.
Once they were settled, he crossed his arms across his chest, resigned. "What do you want to know?" he sighed.
Nerves swarmed over her, nearly making her teeth chatter. "Whose idea was it?" she managed to ask. "Did she ask you, or did you ask her?"
She regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth. She wasn't sure she could take it if Luke had indeed been the one to ask Nicole to marry him. On the other hand, if Nicole asked Luke, then that meant that Nicole was more like Lorelai than she wanted to admit. She held her breath, waiting on his reply.
Luke reached a hand up to the back of his neck, rubbing it, trying to buy some time as he tried to find the words to explain something he didn't understand himself. "I don't think either of us did," he finally muttered.
Lorelai looked at him sharply. "I don't think that's possible," she pointed out.
Luke shrugged his shoulders, staring at the water dancing in the fountain. "Everything I told you about that damned cruise was true. It was like being outside of reality. Like an alternate universe, or something. It was like none of the normal rules applied. You had to be in love or you were a freak. The first night, when we sat down to dinner, all of the other couples at our table jumped on the fact that this was our first trip together. They all were teasing us about how we'd be engaged by the time we got back to port. Somewhere along the line…It just seemed like it was true."
"Come on," Lorelai scoffed.
Luke gave his head a shake, as though he was trying to shake off those memories, and turned to look at Lorelai's doubtful face. "There was this one couple, Cindy and Ben, from San Diego. They were celebrating some big anniversary. One night they came roaring into dinner, all excited. They said they'd spoken to the captain, and he'd agreed to marry us. Everyone jumped into the planning. The women took Nicole off to get her hair and nails done. The guys took me drinking―not that you had to work to do that. There was booze everywhere, all the time. And somehow, it just seemed real." He rubbed at his jaw, still trying to find a way to explain it. "I was pretty sure I hadn't proposed. But I thought maybe she had. And I didn't want to back out and hurt her feelings. And I think she felt the same way, that maybe we'd come to this agreement and we just didn't remember." He sighed again. "If it makes you feel any better, I never discussed it with her, either."
Lorelai studied him, trying to remember what he looked like when he told the truth. "Did you love her?" she asked. Stunned at the words that had popped out without forethought, she clapped a hand over her mouth.
He cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably. "I liked her. She really seemed to like me, which was an ego boost for me at the time. She made things different. And," here he turned and gave her a suddenly intense look, "she wasn't you."
Her mouth dropped open. "What's that mean?"
"It means…" He squeezed his eyes shut, forcing himself to give up all pretense. "It means, I didn't want to go on the damn cruise at all, Lorelai. I wanted you to tell me not to go. I wanted you to tell me to stay in the diner, where I belonged, and wait for you to come back home."
Lorelai was staggered for a brief moment, but irritation soon overpowered surprise. "And how was I supposed to know that? Why didn't you just say that to me, instead of being all coy and asking me if you should go or not? I mean, I didn't think Nicole was right for you, but you seemed all happy with her! Why would I try to wreck that for you?"
"Because you loved me!"
That brought her up short. "I'm not sure that I did, then," she admitted, softly. "I…I was pretty confused. I knew I really didn't like her. I knew that the thought of you…with her…drove me crazy. But it wasn't until later, when you tried to patch things up with her, that I started to wonder what my feelings were, exactly."
Luke glanced at her coldly. "Exactly," he said, with a bitter laugh.
"What?" she frowned.
"That's exactly why I went with her on the cruise. That's why it was good she wasn't you. She had it figured out, and I didn't know if you ever would. So I liked her, and she liked me, and I thought that would be good enough. I was wrong, of course, but that's what I thought."
"Luke," she protested. "Why didn't you just tell me?"
It was his turn to scoff. "And watch you run the other way?"
"You don't know that."
"Yeah, I do," he said snottily. "I had years of watching you do that."
Lorelai took a moment to get her thoughts together. "You didn't love her. But you married her."
He gave a curt nod.
"You loved me," she said quietly, to herself. "But you wouldn't marry me."
His angry posture deflated. "Yeah," he agreed sadly.
Lorelai was blinking hard. "That's what I still don't understand," she nearly whispered.
"What?" he nudged her, curious.
"I begged you to marry me, Luke." She fought against the tears, and won, although her voice sounded raw. "You married her, even though you say you didn't love her. Supposedly you loved me. But you said no to me. You wouldn't marry me. Why not? What did I do to make you not want to marry me? You married her, Luke! Why not me?" She was gulping in deep breaths of air and shaking by the end of her distraught query.
"Lorelai, that night…" He trailed off, unsure. "Long before that night, you weren't yourself. I couldn't even find you for a couple of days, remember? And then you suddenly showed up, talking like a crazy person; looking like a crazy person…" He shook his head. "I wasn't sure what was wrong, but I sure as hell knew getting married wasn't going to solve it. I'd already gotten married for the wrong reasons. I wasn't going to do it again."
Lorelai was shaking her head sadly. "You didn't know what was wrong," she sighed, again mostly to herself.
Luke started to say something, but changed his mind, clamping his lips together.
"Really?" she asked, a new infusion of strength shooting through her. "You really didn't know what was wrong." She made it a statement, even though her face was bathed in disbelief.
He looked away. Took a deep breath. Rubbed at the knees of his jeans. "I knew," he admitted at last, quietly.
She nodded at that, grateful for his honesty. "So marrying Nicole was wrong," she stated, to sum up.
He nodded.
"And marrying me then, in May, would have been wrong."
He hesitated, but nodded.
She turned her body to face him. "But getting married now is right?"
His face set in the stubborn lines she knew so well. "Yes," he insisted.
She looked away. "Because of the baby," she said flatly.
"Because of the baby," he agreed, "and because I…I don't know how to be without you, Lorelai. I don't even want to know how to do that. I've tried it, and it hurts too much." He looked at her defiantly, daring her to dispute him.
"Oh," she breathed out, his words smacking her straight in the heart. Her hand was all at once cradling his cheek, and she swallowed down most of the emotion she was feeling with difficulty. "Yeah, being without you pretty much sucks," she said, striving for a light tone to offset the heavy conversation.
His shoulders relaxed and he leaned into her hand, his eyes locked onto hers.
Suddenly self-conscious, they pulled apart.
"So," Lorelai said briskly, "good talk."
"Yeah," Luke agreed, amazement coloring his words, "it was."
She smiled at him then, her real smile. "Well, then, we should do it again sometime," she decreed, her voice full of the flirty tone he used to hear all the time.
The rest of the day went by smoothly. They stopped and got Lorelai some sort of frothy fruit drink at a frozen yogurt place, which Luke had determined was the healthiest snack on the menu. He rolled his eyes, but let Lorelai wheedle him into a cone filled with mini chocolate chip cookies, too. They made it back to their room, Lorelai yawning, and Luke left her there to take a nap while he went to scout out some more things about the town.
Later they asked Larry for some restaurant recommendations and went to dinner at the one on the top of his list. It was mercifully light on the ducks but strong on the menu and both of them found plenty of dishes to rave about. They agreed that they'd bring Rory here.
Tomorrow.
After the wedding.
Luke took a gulp of his beer. Lorelai guzzled her lemonade.
It still didn't seem real.
Still later, they were back in their room, tucked into their individual beds like some 50's sitcom characters. Lorelai wasn't tossing and turning, but she was light-years away from falling asleep as her mind circled around and around.
Finally, she worked up her nerve. "Luke?" she whispered, in case he really was asleep.
"What?" he grumbled. Sleep was eluding him, too.
"I just…" She expelled a huge breath, steeling herself to get the words out. "There's just something I need to know. And it's fine, it's really fine, if that's the way it is. I mean, I'd totally understand if you never want to touch me again. That would be a perfectly reasonable reaction on your part. I just - I need to know. So that I don't make a fool of myself sometime in the future." Now that the words were out, hanging there between them, she held her breath.
She heard him go still while she spoke, then saw his shadowy upper body jerk upright.
"You think I don't want to touch you?" he hissed, incredulous. "You think if I could have managed to not touch you that night, that we'd even be in this situation now? Yeah, right, Lorelai," he added sarcastically, "I don't want to touch you at all."
She frowned at something he seemed to be implying, and she pushed herself up in bed as well, facing him in the dark. "Do you think…Did you somehow get it in your head that I wasn't a willing participant that night? Do you think you forced me, somehow? You know that's not true! Did you not hear me that night, what I said to you?"
"Yeah, I heard you," he said shortly. "But that doesn't make it right. I had no business being with you that night, Lorelai!"
Before she could even think about how to respond to that, more words came wrenching up out of him.
"I…I need to know. I've tried not to think about it, but I need to know. I have to know if that's the way it was with him that night."
She gasped, shocked that he wanted to talk about it.
"I keep seeing you," he continued, his voice hollow with pain, "the way you were that night, out on the street, begging me…And it was the same way, the night Paul Anka died. You were…shattered. Broken. Hysterical. And I just have to wonder, if that's why…if that's how…he ended up trying to comfort you."
Lorelai couldn't seem to catch her breath. "I don't know," she finally said, dully.
Luke didn't say anything more. He couldn't say anything more because the anguish had tightened around him. He balled up his fists, waiting on her.
"I wish I knew," she finally whispered.
"What?" he asked, nearly terrified to hear.
"I wish I knew," she repeated, still faint. "I wish to God I knew what happened that night. I wish to God I knew how I was able to hurt you like that. I wish…I wish I knew how I was able to destroy us like I did. I wish I knew what I told myself that made it OK. I mean, we're all supposed to have some sense of self-preservation, right? So how was I able to sabotage myself the way I did? I had to have known how much pain my actions were going to cause! So how did I do it?"
"I don't know," he told her, heartbroken.
The sound of the pain in his voice pushed her closer to the edge. "I remember…us. And you were right, I was acting like a crazy person." She tried to get herself back into control. "I remember thinking that I had to get out of town, I had to get away from you, because if I stayed there, knowing that you didn't want me...that you didn't come after me…I'd lose it completely. So I jumped in the car and I just started driving. I didn't know where to go. I'd just been with Chris at my parents' and that seemed logical somehow, to go ask him for help."
She paused for a moment, trying again to peel away the fuzziness that shrouded that night. "I remember knocking on his door. I remember soothing G.G. back to sleep, because I woke her up when I first got there. I remember him getting out a bottle of tequila, and telling me―" She broke off the thought abruptly.
"Told you what?" Luke prodded her, his tone harsh.
"The usual crap you say when a friend gets dumped." She tried to sound normal. "You know, you're too good for him; he didn't deserve you; blah, blah, blah." She rubbed at her forehead. "I remember thinking that if you didn't want me, that if that was true, then everything I believed was upside down. My whole life was shattered into these little pieces that didn't fit together anymore. I felt so empty. I felt… so…alone. Cold." Her voice faded out.
"And he was there," Luke stated painfully.
"God, Luke, why won't you listen to me!" She sprang out of bed, agitated, rubbing her bare arms frantically. "I don't know! I don't remember! I wish to God I did, but I don't! I don't know how I ended up doing the one thing that was guaranteed to destroy us! I don't know! I don't know! I don't know!" A sound of utter despair tore out of her throat as she slumped down on the edge of the bed. "I don't know!" she cried out once more, pitifully.
He recoiled at the note of hysteria once again in her voice. He heard her trying to stifle the sobs tearing out of her. And once again, he had no choice but to try and comfort her. He tossed his covers aside and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, towards her.
"Hey," he said gently. He found her knees in spite of the dim light and gave them a squeeze. She tried to shy away from him, ashamed, but he moved over to sit beside her, putting his arm around her shoulders and pulling her head down on his. "It's OK, Lorelai. It's good we're talking about this. This is exactly what we need to do. But you need to calm down, now. This isn't good for the baby, you being this upset. Shh," he soothed her, petting her hair.
She straightened up when he mentioned the baby, and wiped her face. "Yeah," she agreed, leftover sobs still trying to shudder out of her.
He held her until she quieted completely, and then helped her slide back under her covers. He climbed back into his bed, staring at the ceiling with the strange patterns of light coming through the curtains in the room.
A long time passed, and he thought she'd fallen asleep. It startled him when her voice suddenly broke the silence again.
"There's just one thing I still need to say, Luke, and you need to hear me on this," she said with determination. "I hate myself for what I did. I hate myself so much for hurting you."
"Lorelai, don't―"
"No," she insisted. "You need to hear this. You need to believe this. Because I'm growing a baby. I'm this baby's caretaker. And I know that babies can pick up on everything the mother is feeling, so it's important that the baby not sense how much I despise myself. So starting tomorrow, I'm taking all that hate and I'm locking it away someplace where the baby can't feel it. That's why it's important that you hear me now. When you look at me, and I seem OK, you need to remember how I really feel about what I did. I'll always feel ashamed, even if it doesn't seem like it. I'll always remember. I'll always regret it. I'll always hate how I hurt you." Her voice was calm and decisive when she finished. "Do you understand?" she asked quietly.
He gritted his teeth. "Yes," he told her.
"All right then," she said, sounding relieved.
More minutes passed by in the dark. "Goodnight," Lorelai finally mumbled softly, and turned to face the wall.
"'Night," he responded. He laid there awake for a long time more, wondering why he couldn't tell her that he knew exactly what it felt like to hate yourself.
Story Alert! Happy chapter coming! Happy chapter coming!