Chapter 3 – 'Love' and 'Idiocy'
Spock stood in front of the Starfleet council, made up of high ranking men and women from Starfleet itself and esteemed members of the Academy staff. All of them, apart from Admiral Peters, were watching Spock closely. He did not enjoy the scrutiny. After what seemed like an age the Admiral looked up from the papers he'd been perusing, his large forehead creased into a frown.
"It says here that you wish to resign from Starfleet, but you have given no reason. Explain your decision to me Mr Spock," the Admiral demanded.
Spock had expected this, so he took a deep breath and elucidated his already pre-prepared answer, "I have decided that I would prefer to follow in my father's footsteps and work as an ambassador between Earth and New Vulcan. There are so few of our people left that I must take part in the re-building of our once great nation, further more I do believe that-"
"Do not lie Mr Spock, it doesn't suit you," the Admiral drawled.
"I assure you that Vulcan's cannot lie," Spock said impatiently, annoyance starting to tick away at him.
"That may be so but they know how to bend the truth to their own adjenda, for instance, is it true that despite knowing you have been ordered not to look for James Kirk, you have spent the past week doing just that. Oh yes," the Admiral nodded, "we know."
"You are having me monitored," Spock stated, feeling the annoyance turn into anger.
"It's for Mr Kirk's wellbeing…and for yours Mr Spock."
"Surely I should be the one deciding what is and isn't good for me," Spock snarled through gritted teeth.
"But not for Mr Kirk," Admiral Peters countered, the fact that he refused to refer to Jim as 'Captain' only fuelling Spock's anger. "Imagine," he continued, "If you turned up out of the blue, acting like you know him, do you not think that it might be detrimental to Kirk's already fragile state of mind. His psychologist has already reported that he is suffering from anxiety attacks of varying severity, caused most likely from the onset of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, not that Mr Kirk can ever know that of course…How would you feel if you sought him out, only to have him reject your friendship, would you be able to take that Mr Spock?"
Spock did not say anything. The anger that surged through him was so great he feared that if he did not hold his tongue he would merely make the situation worse for himself. When the Admiral realized this he continued speaking, "The rest of Kirk's crew have been issued with the warning that if they try to seek him out, they will face an instant dismissal from Starfleet. I now issue this warning to you as I am denying your request to resign. You will stay on Earth and take up your old teaching post at the Academy but remember that you will be under close scrutiny at all times until further notice."
"Can I ask why I have not been allowed to leave Starfleet?" Spock managed to hiss.
"Well I'm surprised you don't know. Earlier this week Doctor McCoy…left us. I have already lost two good officers since the incident with Kahn, I will not lose another," the Admiral said in a final kind of way. "Report to Principal Matthews at oh-eight-hundred hours tomorrow morning to be briefed on your class schedule, is that clear?"
"Yes...sir," he said begrudgingly.
"You may leave Mr Spock."
So he did.
Storming from the room and slamming the door behind him. The session with the council had left him enraged and confused. He knew he needed to find out why the doctor had left his post but for the moment he was so angry he could barely function, deciding instead to walk the streets, hoping that it would clear his head in some way.
Ever since Jim had been taken, everything had turned to shambles. He had tried and failed to locate his Captain but the information had been buried so deep into Starfleet's archives he couldn't find a trace of him, no matter how many fire walls the Vulcan had blasted his way through. Despite his knowledge of Starfleet's systems and regulation he just wasn't a good enough hacker to find out the information he so desperately needed while also hiding his presence within the archives.
As he walked the anguish he felt over losing Kirk rose to the same levels he'd felt when his mother was killed before his very eyes. For the first time since that terrible day on Vulcan he truly wished with his entire half human, half Vulcan heart that his mother was still alive. She would have known what to do in this situation; she would be able to help him. Allow him to work through his emotions by explaining all that he was feeling, the anguish, the rage, the grief, to such a point where he would be stable enough to go about finding Jim in a way that he would be successful in his actions.
With thoughts of his mother still circling around in his head, Spock made the conscious choice to visit his father, who'd came to Earth when he found out about what had happened with Kahn and the proceedings on the Enterprise. As he headed towards San Francisco's Vulcan Embassy, Spock knew he would not get the physical affection and comfort he craved so much but his father was wise and would at least help him choose the right path to undertake.
The Embassy was a large building, made completely of stone transported from Vulcan. Looking up at the architecture made Spock wistful of his home world, but he'd chosen Earth so he didn't spend too long wandering down that dangerous vein of thought. Instead he chose to enter the building, the atrium empty, most of the Vulcan who did live here currently either in their own chambers or attending to business. He quickly climbed the stairs to the correct floor and entered his father's quarters without knocking.
"Father!" he called out as he walked through into the living area, he received no answer. "Father?" he repeated.
On a search, Spock found that the rooms were empty so he made himself at home while he waited, making himself a hot drink and searching the vast bookcase for something to read. He picked an old Earth tale about an extremely ill-mannered but genius detective before sitting down on one of the plush sofa's to begin the story. As he tried to make his way through the first chapter though Spock found he couldn't concentrate on the words, re-reading the same lines over and over again unable to actually process them. With a sigh of frustration he replaced the book where he found it, left his now empty cup in the sink and contented himself to just sit and try to keep his thoughts from the more dangerous topics circling around in his mind.
He was dreaming. He knew this for sure because he was lying in bed with Jim, back on the Enterprise and of course that wasn't going to happen ever again. That didn't mean he didn't enjoy the scene his imagination was offering up to him. Jim lying on his side facing Spock, propping his head up in his hand while supporting the weight on his elbow. "Spock," Jim murmured, as he reached out with his other hand to cup the Vulcan's cheek. Spock nuzzled into the other man's palm, relishing the simple gesture. "My Spock," Jim repeated.
They stayed like this for a long time, Jim touching Spock's face, his hair, his chest, while the Vulcan just stared at his lost lover, drinking in his features, trying to memorize the face he already knew so well but never wanted to forget. "It'll be alright Spock," Jim said in a low voice, "I have faith in you, you will find me." Words that Spock hadn't even known he'd needed to hear. When Jim opened his mouth to speak again his voice changed, shifting as he murmured, "Spock, you need to wake up."
"I don't want to wake up," he whined.
"Wake up, Spock," Jim continued in the voice that wasn't his, "Wake up."
And Spock did, surfacing from the dream in a grey fog, his consciousness slowly bringing him back to the present until he opened his eyes and saw his father staring down at him. "Spock," he said again. The voice, the voice that Jim's had become had been his as he was trying to waken his sleeping son.
Spock sat up, rubbing his eyes as he realized that while he'd been sitting he'd slipped into the slumber and sunk to lie horizontally on the sofa. "Hello Father," he greeted, his voice scratchy as his brain still lingered on Jim's face, so loving and caring as it had been while it watched him.
"I'm delighted to see you Spock, but what brings such an impromptu visit?" His father asked, sitting down next to him, his face as impassive as ever.
"I have just returned from a meeting with the Starfleet council," he paused, gaging his father's expression before continuing, "They declined my wish to resign."
His father sat up a little straighter, if it was possible, but otherwise nothing showed on his face at Spock's reveal. "This is about the boy isn't it?" the old Vulcan wondered steadily, "The one you love?"
"Yes, Father," Spock sighed in relief that he accepted or at least understood the reasoning behind his recent actions.
"A strange yet powerful emotion, love," his father observed, "Have you tried to find the man that is the object of your desires since he was sent away?"
"Yes but I have been unsuccessful," Spock shifted uncomfortably, not liking to admit his failures, especially to his father.
The old Vulcan sat inertly. Spock knew he was thinking how best to answer, as was the Vulcan way, nothing was done without thought. "Have you considered asking for help from your crew mates?" he asked after a while.
"I do not want to put them under fire of losing their positions in Starfleet." Spock explained. "We have all been ordered not to look for Jim, and if we try but are caught we face instant dismissal. I believe that is enough to stop most of them although I do know Doctor McCoy quit earlier this week, I have yet to find out why."
"Then I suggest you make that a top priority, it may help you find out where Captain Kirk is," he father suggested.
"You are not mad that I wanted to leave my place in Starfleet?" Spock frowned.
"Son, a life that is without those we love is no life at all and as someone who has first-hand experience of knowing what it is to love a human…then no, I am not angry nor am I disappointed."
At his father's words Spock felt some of the tension he'd been holding inside of himself relax ever so slightly. "Thank you, father," he sighed before standing up, "I'm going to go and speak with Doctor McCoy."
"I believe that to be a wise decision," his father agreed, also standing and walking his son to the door. "Know that I am always here if you seek council."
They stood either side of the threshold as they saluted each other and said the customary 'Live long and prosper'. It was not far to the apartment Doctor McCoy shared with Mr Scott and as Spock beat out the route he couldn't help but feel a fresh surge of hope pumping through his veins.
It had just gotten dark when he reached Mr Scott's and Doctor McCoy's apartment building and he stood awkwardly by the door waiting for one of the two men to answer his comm. After a further minute it happened, Scotty's face appearing in the little screen above all of the apartment comm buttons. "Mr Spock!" he exclaimed, "I wasn't expecting to see you-"
"I can leave if you so wish," Spock answered, feeling the new hope fade slightly at the set back, "I merely want to speak with Doctor McCoy."
"If you'd let me finish," the Scotsman grumbled, "you would have heard me say that you can come on up. Leonard's just had a bit of an epiphany about how we can find Jim, so it's good that you're here really-"
"You've been searching for him too?" he asked. He was shocked at himself, it should have occurred to him earlier, of course Scotty and McCoy would be looking for Jim too, they were just as loyal to him as he was.
"Would you stop interrupting me!" Scotty huffed, "Come on up, we'll fill you in when you get here." The line disconnected but the door buzzed, indicating that it had been unlocked. Yanking it open, Spock took the stairs two at a time, reaching floor three and running along the hallway to apartment B. He knocked frantically until it was opened by Doctor McCoy, "Okay, okay," he grumbled, "No need to break the door down."
Spock looked him over as he passed over the threshold. The man appeared to have not shaven in a while and there were dark circles under his eyes, his clothes were slightly dirty with an accompanying smell of coffee and alcohol hanging around him. "What happened to you?" Spock asked before he could stop himself, his tongue so free nowadays.
"Hello to you to Spock," McCoy drawled, "It's nice to see you. Me? I'm fine, thanks for asking-"
"Oh, stop it!" Scotty called over. Spock looked in the direction of the voice and saw that the Scotsman was sitting behind a state of the art computer, typing away at it frantically. "Give the guy a break," he continued, "he just lost the love of his life, we've only lost our best friend, so he one ups us." McCoy walked away, heading towards the kitchen, grumbling under his breath, Spock only catching the words 'love' and 'idiocy'.
Spock watched him go, hearing the kettle being turned on and decided he'd question the doctor later. As he crossed the room to Mr Scott, he said, "You've been searching for Jim? How is it possible that you are still a member of Starfleet?"
"Let's just say I have a few programmes on my hard drive that make me undetectable," he answered, tapping the bridge of his nose before returning his hand to the keyboard and continuing to tap away at it mercilessly. "Leonard had an epiphany," Scotty started to explain, his fingers never stopping as he typed in base codes and tried passwords. Spock could see what he was doing, the Scotsman was breaking through firewalls to access private files, but he wasn't searching Starfleet's database. "If Jim's been transferred to a half-way house," he continued, "we're more likely to be able to find him by searching though medical databases than Starfleets, and the fact that his condition isn't a very common one will make him even easier to find."
"I see…that is very clever," Spock admitted, wishing that he'd thought of it.
"No need to thank me," the doctor's voice said from behind him, he'd remerged from the kitchen with a coffee cup in hand.
The two men stood in silence as they watched the Scotsman work. Spock could feel the questions he had for Doctor McCoy burning the back of his throat but now was not the time, not when find Jim was such an imminent possibility. Mr Scott passed easily into files Spock could never dream of hacking, the fact that Scotty was so good at this didn't faze him, the man created an equation to beam people aboard ships at warp speed after all, this was probably like a light game of chess to him.
Everyone in the room started to feel the tension of what was happening. Scotty's fingers moved faster than ever as he continued to move deeper into the country's medical archives. "Almost there, almost there," he started to mutter intermitted. McCoy was biting his nails, and Spock's breathing became shallower and shallower as more minutes passed.
Something started flashing at the side of the screen and Scotty swore loudly and profusely before muttering, "No, that's impossible."
Spock stared at the flashing green box and baulked when he saw the words 'Incoming comm: Starfleet' clearly lit up.
"You two! In the kitchen now!" Scotty ordered, his fingers moving so fast they were practically a blur as he continued to pass through the many files, but Spock could not look away.
Scotty turned, looking at him for a fraction of a second before turning back to the screen, "Fucking move!" he shouted at the Vulcan.
"Spock," Doctor McCoy said in a low voice, gripping his arm, tugging at it lightly. Spock moved, he felt sluggish though, as if time was moving too slowly as the two men crossed the room and entered the kitchen, leaving the door open so they could hear the commotions in the living area but still stay out of sight.
Spock leaned against the wall, his fists clenched as his mind moved laboriously. They'd come this far to be shot down at the final hurdle. Waves of nausea rolled through him like tidal waves. He slid down the wall as he fought the urge to vomit and held his hands out in front of him, opening his white-knuckled fists out and turning his palms upwards to see the crescent moon indents his nails had left in his skin.
"Hello Admiral Peters," Scotty's voice cut through Spock's thoughts. He lifted his head and stared wide-eyed at McCoy, the fear Spock was feeling showing on the doctor's face.
"Mr Scott," they head the Admiral say, his voice slightly tinny because of the computer's speakers. "We have evidence showing that you have disobeyed orders and have tried to locate James T. Kirk."
Spock swallowed drily. He knew what was coming even as Scotty tried to talk his way out of the inevitable. They'd been so close.
"Hereby, under Regulation Code 347A," Peters continued, Spock's heart now beating so loudly he was surprised the Admiral couldn't hear it despite the distance between himself and the computer, "your affiliation with the United Federation of Planets, Starfleet, has been terminated. Good day Mr Scott."
There was silence followed by the sound of a chair being scraped across the floor and the light pad of Scotty's feet as he walked to the kitchen. Neither Spock nor McCoy moved at first, choosing simply to look at the man they both still considered the chief engineer as he entered the room. Scotty was smiling and Spock, for the life of him, couldn't work out why.
McCoy voiced the thoughts that were passing through Spock's brain, "You've just lost your job, man! Why the heck are you grinning?"
"To be honest, with the Enterprise gone I didn't really want to be part of Starfleet any longer," his said slyly, his grin widening as he looked down at Spock, "especially since we've got a bit of a road trip to go on…"
Spock stood up, his eyes flickering over Scotty's face, not quite sure if he was hearing him correctly.
"What are you talking about?!" the doctor demanded, stepping closer to the Scotsman.
But Scotty didn't look away from the Vulcan as he said, quite clearly, "I did it. I know where Jim is, Spock, I found him."
A/N: Hello my dears :D Thank you so so sooo much for the follows, favourites and the amazing reviews you've been leaving :D It makes me so happy and it really spurs me on so know that they really are very much appreciated. So yeah...this chapter...haha, thoughts? Much love! xx