Alive And Victorious Chapter 9: 9 What doesn't kill you, a naruto fanfic

I wanted to thank Annabella Colt for betareading this chapter since my regular betareader is currently too busy to help me.

Enjoy.

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Alive And Victorious

Chapter 9. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Matsuri was sitting by the fire, watching the dancing flames. All other ninjas were settled by other several fires, talking, laughing and even singing. They celebrated the successful mission to support Kazekage rescuers, and only few of them didn't look very happy, glancing at the stretcher where Elder Chiyo's body had been placed after being wrapped in the black bag.

Matsuri was one of those shinobi who didn't rejoice too zealously. Even if she had been relieved beyond all imagination, the shame burned stronger, like a brand. There were only two words that could describe what she had experienced: public humiliation.

She wanted to vanish into thin air after making herself a laughing stock. When her most precious person, supposedly dead, sat up and looked around with widened eyes, the eyes which just a minute ago seemed to be closed forever, Matsuri couldn't control herself. At the wonderful sight her mouth had gone on its own and the most embarrassing words had spilled.

Gaara-sama is quiet, cool, strong, hot, elite —

She quickly grabbed the thin wooden stick and jabbed at the fire with it, causing the bunch of sparks explode. The heat burst into her face and the tears welled in her eyes as a result. She moved back, painfully aware that the fire he was sitting at was just next to her on the left. There were other ninjas sitting near him, two teams from Konoha and Temari, but Matsuri just couldn't look there let alone join.

She wanted it. Oh yes, she wanted nothing as much as revel in the sight of his gorgeous features she thought she had lost for all eternity, but her hurt pride didn't let her even glance at him, so she only stared at the fire, attempting to forget the moment when she tried to support Gaara only to having been shoved away.

She had just realized that she actually fell for him, only to be humiliated in this manner.

Publicly.

From the corner of her eye Matsuri could see Sari making slow circles around the spot where Gaara was sitting, apparently trying to find an excuse to join him and his companions by any means. Well, let her try. Matsuri wasn't going to interfere.

Someone leaned over her.

"Matsuri, everything fine? You seem to be rather glum."

Dismayed, Matsuri raised her face to meet Kankurou's gaze. Unwilling to let anyone learn how embarrassed and hurt she had felt, the kunoichi forced the flimsy smile upon her mouth and rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand.

"I'm just exhausted and so much that relieved Kazekage-sama had been saved."

Kazekage-sama. Yes, that was how she ought to call him. It would ler her fully comprehend the distance between them, the distance standing between Kage and ordinary genin-level kunoichi.

Kankurou peered at her in silence and Matsuri was grateful for the red and orange reflections the burning fire was casting upon her face, surely shrouding the blush which surfaced her cheeks.

"I see," the puppeteer murmured and looked at his younger brother who had been still listening to Naruto's constant blabbering. Matsuri followed his gaze and her heart thumped faster at the sight of her former sensei's profile.

"Naruto-san is Kazekage-sama's friend, right?" she quickly asked, forcing herself to look at the blonde Konoha ninja. "I've never seen Kazekage-sama so... comfortable in anyone's presence."

Kankurou nodded slowly.

"They have much in common," he said mysteriously.

"I remember Naruto-san fighting Seimei," she commented. "He had been seriously injured and exhausted but his determination to protect Gaara-sama had been absolute."

No, not Gaara-sama! Kazekage-sama.

"That's what I meant," Kankurou said. "Each one of them would have ran across entire world to save the other."

In this very moment Naruto burst into ringing laughter. Temari and Sakura laughed as well, while Kazekage only smiled with his eyes.

Tears threatened to spill from Matsuri's eyes at the sudden flood of tenderness.

"Why is it that way?" she asked, avoiding Kankurou's gaze.

"I told you before," he muttered. "They have much in common."

Matsuri considered the notion strange to say the least since if there was any person in the world who was everything what Gaara wasn't, this person would be Naruto - noisy, cheerful, sociable and energetic. What was the thing they could have in common, Matsuri had no idea.

"I don't understand," she admitted at last.

The puppeteer peeked at her.

"Well, it's of no great importance now."

Matsuri looked again at ninjas gathered by the next fire and to her dismay she noticed Kazekage watching her. It took all her will power not to flinch but only gaze away calmly.

The public humiliation.

Suddenly she realized Kankurou had been talking to her. She smiled sweetly and chirped. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. Can you repeat, please?"

The puppeteer sent her long, incomprehensible look.

"I said I was going to sit down there," he said, pointing at the next fire with his thumb. "Are you going with me?"

"I think I, uh —" Matsuri stuttered. "I need to rest after the run and, um, there's a crowd already..."

The last statement was an exaggeration since even Sari managed to push herself into the circle and now was sitting next to Temari and staring at her favourite Kazekage with admiration. Kankurou didn't comment on it though. He only nodded and calmly paced towards his siblings.

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Three days have passed since their return to Sunagakure and Matsuri couldn't take it anymore. She turned the light off, locked the door behind her and ran downstairs. The icy night air gave her chills and she briefly thought of coming back and getting a shawl, but she quickly dropped it. Instead she rushed forward through the sleeping village, barely encountering anyone. She was sure there were ANBU somewhere there, observing her, but she wasn't going to leave the village. She only planned to make it to the tombs.

Soon the girl reached the neat line of the white gravestones along the cliff. She headed towards the newest one without hesitation, and came to a halt right before it. Swallowing, she fought to utter right words but they seemed to be stuck down her throat, and she only brushed the smooth surface of the stone with her fingertips.

Several feet below there was an urn buried with the ashes of the woman whom Matsuri had seen maybe once or twice in her life, but that stranger gave her back the most precious thing she thought she had irretrievably lost. The kunoichi leaned forward and whispered. "Thank you, Elder Chiyo. Thank —"

Then it happened at last. The tears of pain, loneliness, relief, gratitude and shame escaped her eyes and Matsuri pressed her palms to her lips, suppressing the weeping that shook her entire body. Her lungs were burning, but after three days of bottling it all up she had no choice but to let the tears out and cry, or she would have gone crazy. The images had been still haunting her - the lifeless body plummeting upside down, the same body lying peacefully on the soft grass, the red bangs tousled by the light breeze, the eyelids, darkened from long-standing insomnia, closed forever...

"Thank you, Elder Chiyo!" Matsuri sobbed, falling to her knees in front of the tomb. "I — I think I love him!"

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Matsuri threw kunai blades at Yakku and jumped high, attempting to kick her opponent in his face, but he wasn't fooled. He only leaned backward slightly and reached for her ankle. Matsuri pretended she had lost her balance but when her outstretched arm reached the groud she pushed herself from it at once, kicking at Yakku's stomach with her other leg. The boy gasped and fell backwards but didn't loosen his grasp on her ankle, causing her lose her balance for real. Matsuri didn't give up though; she managed to slip the jouhyou out of the pouch and threw the rope over Yakku's neck. When he gripped her wrist and attempted to twist it, Matsuri mercilessly drew the rope tighter until her opponent choked and raised his hand, showing her the sign which meant his surrender.

The kunoichi released her weapon and rolled onto her back, panting. Both of them rested for a long while, ignoring the trickles of sweat streaking down their faces and the blazing rays of sun burning into their skin.

Matsuri was the first who sat up slowly. She sipped the water from her canteen and corked it up carefully.

"Let's continue," she said, coiling the jouhyou.

Yakku covered his eyes with his arm and chuckled lowly.

"I'm worn out," he said, getting his own canteen. "Not that we have much time left."

"That's right," Matsuri answered, breathing deeply. "That's why we don't have time to lie idle."

She was exhausted as well, of course she was. Yakku didn't go easy on her, just as she asked him, and she was ruthless as well. Her entire body begged for rest but she ignored its call. She had to train harder. She had to be stronger.

The tiny voice at the back of her head continuously whispered that she had no chance to become strong enough to protect him. He surpassed her so much and he still had been defeated while fighting to protect the village. Matsuri decided to ignore the voice and the aching sensation it caused. She was aware she was weak in comparison to him but all she could do was to clench her teeth and work harder. She had to be stronger, simple as that, and if she would fight to protect him against the enemy more powerful than her, she would do what he had shown her that was needed to be done.

She would gladly give her life to save him.

This determination made her disregard any sign of exhaustion. Even when her old injury troubled her, she didn't let anyone know and continued to train, pushing away any thoughts concerning the certain person. In her mind she avoided even saying his name because it hurt much more than any hit and cut could hurt, but exactly for the sake of that person she must have grown stronger.

She wanted so much he could have been proud of her.

Yakku slowly pushed himself to a sitting position and sighed. "You're made of iron," he commented and glanced up at her. Matsuri averted her eyes, not willing to acknowledge what she could see in his gaze. Since Kazekage's abduction Yakku started to associate himself with his friends again. He had been trying not to make the impression he had been imposing himself but Matsuri still felt like she was a mouse and he was a raptor circling above her. She carefully treated him exactly the same way she treated Darui, to let him know he shouldn't let his hopes raise. Sometimes though, when there were only two of them, she felt uncomfortable since it didn't seem the message was sinking in as planned. That was also why she wanted to continue practicing and not indulge into the conversation.

"We can train on the other day," she said nonchalantly, assuming Yakku was really too tired to continue. "Our time is almost up. Thanks for help."

He stood up, brushed the sand and dust off his trousers, and put his hands in his pockets.

"You're welcome," he answered with a tone suggesting that in fact Matsuri could return the favour. "Will you go with me to eat something?"

Matsuri opened her mouth to utter a few words of a soft refusal when Yakku added: "My treat."

She scanned his face in silence, pursing her lips. A free meal was something she couldn't resist too hard since she was still short on money, but she had to think how would Yakku take her consent. Would he decide she wanted get closer to him which she had earlier declared she didn't?

Matsuri nodded slowly at last, hoping she had already given him to understand that they would never be more than friends. Her heart was already captured by someone and it wasn't Yakku. Not that the latter was aware of it; all of Matsuri's friends were completely oblivious in that matter and she planned it to stay that way until she managed to drive the unwelcome feelings away. Unfortunately, she couldn't make any progress, no matter how hard she tried.

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Gaara felt his heart flutter when Yaoki's team entered the room. This was how people began to call the four genins who were most often sent on missions with the young captain. Matsuri was staying behind, her eyes sticking to the floor. Every time she had been walking into that room Gaara was trying to meet her eyes, to no avail. He watched her intently though and noticed that there had been a subtle, but profound shift in her personality. Next to her usual cheerfulness and mildness there was an intensity about her, a passion and keen determination that was almost tangible and Gaara wondered what was the cause of it.

The young captain carefully listened to the detailed explanation, oblivious to the fact he was a special person for Gaara as well. Yaoki had been a very first Sunagakure ninja who called the future Kazekage his comrade and fought ANBU assassins to protect him. The redhead cherished this memory even if never showing it and Yaoki probably had no idea what Kazekage thought of him.

Yaoki took a scroll from Kazekage's hands and the team marched away obediently. Gaara couldn't stop himself from following Matsuri's figure with his gaze, wondering why his former student had been completely ignoring him. He recalled their last encounter and the uncharacteristic sneer in her voice when she had uttered: "You're welcome, Kazekage-sama." That undertone had had a certain meaning, which Gaara couldn't figure out, but it seemed Matsuri had wanted to hint at something. Something she couldn't or didn't want to say out loud.

Kazekage-sama.

She had said his title as if she wanted to emphasize the distance between them, as if she wanted to let him know... what?

The next group of ninjas came in and Gaara couldn't continue his musings until the work was done. Two hours later all the missions were eventually assigned and Kazekage headed towards his office. Walking down the corridor, he was glancing through round windows, still thinking about the conversation he had with his former student.

"I wanted to thank you for everything," he had said and she replied: "But I —" It seemed she had wanted to deny his words but then she broke off, and her shy expression changed into the one revealing pride and self-confidence. "You're welcome, Kazekage-sama," she had mocked even if almost instantly her features reflected the shock and fear that must have hit her when she realized what had slipped out from her lips.

Gaara wondered what she had been thinking then. It wasn't like Matsuri he knew. Remembering the old times when they were still teacher and student, it seemed to him that Matsuri had been trying to befriend him then, to get him into her world, until she realized it wasn't possible. She had never expressed any disappointment or anger though, even if it seemed she had been sad sometimes. Then she had earned new friends and Gaara had said to himself she definitely wouldn't regret if she would grow apart from her teacher.

Now he knew he hadn't been honest to himself. It was not about Matsuri's regret at all. It was him who had been keeping her at arm's length, for the fear of rejection had held him too strong in its grasp. Gaara felt compelled to test his student in every possible way before it would be too late and he would trust her, and Matsuri... Matsuri decided to sacrifice her life for him. It was her selfless act that made all his struggling futile, and before he could even realize what was happening, he found himself trusting his student completely. Moreover, she seemed not to realize it as well. Oblivious to his feelings, she didn't even notice when they evolved from mere teacher-student relationship into something deeper and more intense. Gaara wondered briefly if his siblings had also encountered such complications with their own students but he wasn't going to raise the topic with them. Not when he could still remember Kankurou's obvious attempts to make him give specific details about the relationship between him and Matsuri. And if the matters weren't complicated enough, Matsuri had been sent to the border post as a punishment for temporary disabling two chuunins on his account, and when she was gone, the council finally decided to let him take Kazekage's position.

You're welcome, Kazekage-sama.

The redhead froze in his steps when the realization hit him. Matsuri was hurt! Kankurou must have been right when he pointed out Gaara's inadequate attitude towards his former student. During last two years she had been constantly supporting his efforts and definitely deserved something more than being ignored after coming home from her three-month's exile. Not that Kazekage was truly able to give her what she deserved. He had been way too busy then. But still, Matsuri's selflessness obviously had its limits and he exceeded them too far, eventually getting what he most likely deserved - a few words delivered with such disdain and irony he had never thought Matsuri was capable of uttering.

Yes, she must have been hurt. Appointing a session on the training ground, he planned to erase the grudge and let her know she had been still important to him regardless of his actions, but things went out of control when he had seen her practicing taijutsu on the training dummy. The teacher in him got the upper hand and he attacked Matsuri to learn how far her skills progressed. He must have admitted she did really well and he was proud of her. Then he approached her and was quite perplexed with feelings that overwhelmed him while facing her for the first time from six months. He found it rather hard to speak at all and when he eventually expressed his gratitude, he had got a sneer in reward. It stung, and he had been hurt as well until he could fully comprehend what Matsuri's attitude meant.

The Kazekage walked into his office and greeted his assistant. Kashiko sat down after a moment and resumed her work.

"Yes, Kazekage-sama?" she asked while noticing he had been still standing in the same spot.

"Kashiko-san, please reorganize the schedule so I could train my student twice a week. Also, please notify her to come to me tomorrow evening."

"Matsuri-chan?" Kashiko said, before he could continue. Gaara nodded, quite surprised Kashiko knew his student's name. "Of course, Kazekage-sama," the assistant continued. "Will Thursdays and Fridays be fine?"

"I'm leaving it to you," Gaara only said, entering the next room where his actual office had been. He wondered how would Matsuri react to the news. He hoped her reaction would be just the same as on that day on the training ground. When he had come closer to her and touched her arm, Matsuri finally raised her head and looked him in the eye, immediately taking on expression that surprised and pleased him. Her eyes widened and sparkled, her cheeks reddened and her lips parted, letting out the small enthralled gasp, revealing how much she liked what she had seen. If he could ever read human expressions, there was no mistake Matsuri enjoyed the sight, and she enjoyed it much. Since then he decided to try testing the boundaries of their relationship but his duties were always getting in the way, not even mentioning Akatsuki's successful attempt at abducting and killing him while unsealing Ichibi from his body. After that he needed time for himself, he needed to accept the enormous gift Elder Chiyo had favoured him with, not even mentioning learning how to satisfy one of the most primary needs he had been so long denying himself due to Shukaku's presence in his body and mind.

Remembering the moments after his revival he could find they were ones of the strangest in his life. Everything seemed to be very clear and vivid, and in the same time blurry and incomprehensible. Matsuri had been also there, he could hear her rejoicing voice, but the words had been hard to distinguish. Then the shock had struck him when he had heard the explanation of Elder Chiyo's actions, and he faltered, only to sense someone's gentle supporting touch on his back and shoulder. "Gaara-sama, are you okay?" the caring voice uttered into his ear, and he growled under his breath, pushing that person - her - away. Dismissing the obvious sign of her devotion.

Matsuri - because he was certain now it had been her - obviously had more reasons than he expected for ignoring him. Most likely, she believed he didn't give a damn about her. It was the highest time to show her how much she had been wrong.

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Matsuri entered Kazekage's office but the assistant hadn't been there. The girl shifted restlessly, wondering what to do. The best thing would be probably to wait for Kashiko-san's return so the assistant could announce her arrival. On the other hand Matsuri didn't know for how long the assistant would be gone, and she definitely wanted to finish the matter as quickly as she could.

Approaching the door on the other side of the room, Matsuri raised her hand, preparing to knock. Before she did, she promptly withdrew her fist and peered at it from close-up.

Her hand was visibly shaking.

The kunoichi drew in the prolonged breath. There was no way she could ignore Kazekage's order so she had to walk into his office even though her knees were slightly buckling. She knew that they wouldn't stop, not at the close prospect of meeting the person she fancied, so she decided to pretend everything was fine.

Knock, knock, her fingers tapped at the wooden surface and the muffled "Come in" could be heard from the inside. Matsuri set the door ajar and peeked inside, to catch a glimpse of her superior working at his desk. When he noticed her, his hand froze over the scroll he was apparently about to sign.

"Matsuri, is that you?" he asked awkwardly and stood up, walking from behind the desk and heading towards her. The girl closed the door behind her, wondering if she didn't let someone make a fool of her after all. It it was a stupid joke, she would find the one who made it and drag him into the desert, to bury him into the sand with only his head sticking out. If it was not a joke, Ga — no, Kazekage-sama shouldn't look so nervous. The message had been clear after all; she was supposed to meet him at 6 p.m.

Waiting for him to explain the situation, Matsuri pressed her trembling hands to her sides, her eyes sticking to the wrinkle on his robe. She couldn't guess why she had been called here but if something was wrong and she was going to get another three months on a border post as a punishment, she wanted to know it already without having to deal with her unwelcome feelings, which were roaring much too high for her liking at the moment.

"I've got a message today that I'm... uh, that I have to come here at 6 p.m." she stammered at last, unable to endure silence any longer. The Kazekage let out surprised murmur and went back to his desk, shuffling through the papers.

"That's right, I asked Kashiko-san to call you here but I haven't read the confirmation yet," he said with a nod and Matsuri relaxed a bit. She obviously wasn't going to be punished in any way... well, at least not intentionally, because Kazekage's very presence, especially when he had been standing so close to her, was exactly like punishment to Matsuri, the most painful punishment in the world.

"How was the mission?" the redhead asked all of a sudden and Matsuri glanced at him, bewildered.

"Fine, thank you," she answered quickly, and to her dismay her voice trembled a bit. Swallowing, she ducked her head and stared at the floor. Did they send after her only because Kazekage wanted to ask her how the mission went? "I'm sure Yaoki-san had reported the mission already," she continued, raising her gaze a bit but carefully avoiding Kazekage's eyes.

"Yes, he had," the redhead answered shortly.

The silence reigned again and Matsuri felt her self-confidence rapidly decreasing to none. The girl forced herself to breathe steadily, considering the meeting her personal ordeal. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, she repeated inwardly. And she wanted to be stronger, did she?

"Matsuri, your skills have progressed far enough to let you take the chuunin exam," the Kazekage said and Matsuri looked at him, blinking. The chuunin exam... in February? In three months? To be honest she had already thought she deserved the rank but why she had been called to Kazekage's office to receive the news? The jounin who had chosen to take care of her training should have met her in person, not devolve the task to Kazekage himself.

"Thank you, Kazekage-sama," she answered officially with a nod, expecting to be dismissed at any time. The impatience flickered over redhead's expression.

"Wait on the first training ground at sunrise on Thursday," he ordered and Matsuri bowed her head.

"I will, Kazekage-sama," she answered with a tiny voice. "But... who is in charge of my training?"

The Kazekage crossed his arms over his chest and sent her a long look she couldn't quite puzzle out, and then he finally answered.

"I am."

The end of chapter 9.

The next chapter: Stay still, my stupid heart!

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A/N.

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