A/N: Hey people! And don't worry I'm not dead =w= Sorry for such a slow update aru. (writer's block, grr…) But now I'm taking the story wherever it takes me. Thank you for your support my dear readers! *blows kisses*

Russia's POV

"I'm home da," I announced, closing the door behind me before brushing off the light snow that caught in my hair. It was late afternoon. I had taken the longest detour home after I talked with China in the courtyard, needing time to think. My mind was churning with thoughts.

"What took you so long Nii-san?" Belarus greeted me, her bright eerie eyes giving me a once over. I flinched. I didn't want anyone else berating me about him, and of all people, my younger sister.

"The meeting took longer than usual today da," I lied. She clicked her tongue with disapproval.

"You can't lie to me Nii-san, how many times do I have to tell you that?" She said smugly but didn't press the subject. She took my coat wordlessly and handed me a drier one before leaving behind me. I didn't bother asking where she was going.

I walked into my room, carrying a couple of bottles to restock my bedroom. It reeked of air freshener. The broken glass bottles were gone. The stains of spilled alcohol, gone too. The decorations reorganized. The window fixed and gleaming. Wallpaper replaced where I had slashed at it angrily. My gift to China placed neatly on the table. The bed sheets changed. My paperwork organized neatly on my desk, awaiting my signatures and approval. It seemed as though the Baltics took the liberty of cleaning my room.

It felt too clean. And too cold. I took a long sip of vodka and closed my eyes.

I reopened my eyes, the room seemed to be spinning. My mind reeled bits and pieces of the conversations I had exchanged with China without warning.

-"You've left me in a haze! You never give me straight out answers with these types of things! You keep flinging out excuses aru!"
"That's because you sulk, making me feel guilty! I only did those things out of pity!"-

The look of defeat on his tired features, his acceptance, the pain getting masked again, maybe for once and for all.

-"How dare you come here aru?!"
"After what you did to Japan!"
"I know why you did it aru, but I won't ask how come,"
"Because this has nothing to do with you pitying me aru,"-

The warmth, the ease he had around me, replaced by cold formality.

-"Yao, do you love Japan, da?"
"Yes aru,"
"Why do you love him?"
"That is none of your business aru,"
"It is my business da!"
"What is wrong with you? You shouldn't be asking me a question like that! It shouldn't matter to you who I love and who I don't aru! You should be glad you don't have me tailing after you, confusing you, loving you aru! Making you do all those things out of pity aru!"-

The bitterness in his voice.

Our words seemed to echo in my mind, repeating, overlapping, and giving me a huge headache. Or maybe it was the alcohol getting to me finally? Whatever it was, I couldn't seem to stop it. Part of me protested but another part of me forced me to think. I sank down to my knees, staring at nothing. What was going on?

- "Sometimes when I look at you aru, you know what I see?"
"What da?"
"I see that child I saw many winters ago. Lost. Hurt. Fearful. Lonely…"
"Really da. You sometimes speak in such riddles!"
"The child is still there, I can see him aru, whenever I look into his eyes," –

The feeling of intrusion. He knew, and was hurting me, taunting me with it.

Or was he?

And suddenly it made sense. My head was pounding as every conversation I had with China, with Belarus, with Ukraine…it all clicked into place. I let go of the bottle-letting it crash to the spotless floor, shattering into a million pieces-and brought both hands up to run them through my hair, holding them there.

I hate China, da. I hate him Ivan.

"I don't love him-" I said aloud hoarsely. It sounded so wrong, my insides screamed, my breath choked off, my heart thudding against my chest. This was hurting me. Love was hurting me. He was hurting me.

"Except," I managed whispered helplessly, "Maybe I do," Tears blurred my vision. I let them fall.

All I felt was the feeling of being shattered, but still being intact. Every breath hurting, my heart aching, my head continuing to throb, allowing tears to fall.

Was this the feeling of truly being in love? It didn't feel like this with America.

I was denying my feelings ever since the day Belarus decided to change. And when I finally did understand, I shoved him away. Giving the excuse of 'confusion and pity'. Confused yes, pity no. I had behaved selfishly. How that must've hurt Yao. I realized.

Yao made me happy. He enjoyed my company, was warm, genuine, friendly. Not like the others who kept a distance for me or were nice from fear. And he understood. It didn't matter if he would hurt me, but he understood when no one else saw past the fear I enforced. He understood me.

He reached a hand out. And I smacked it away, waiting for him to reach out again. He was right; I was making him play my game. I wanted him close, but still far enough to protect myself. I couldn't have both ways, I now realized. I would have to take that certain risk and brace myself.

- "I don't want to be your friend aru,"
"Why not da?"
"You don't pretend with such matters aru,"
"I'm not,"
"I still don't want to be your friend aru,"
"Why not?"
"That's not enough anymore aru,"-

Then what was? China already had Japan so a lover was not the answer. Then it dawned to me. What if he hated me? Yes, he did, it was logical. That explained his sudden change, his hostile formality, his cold tone.

Yao hated me. And I loved him. It was an awful realization.

So China moved on. He was happy. Without me. He found solace in Japan, and got over me. I now understood how he felt every time he of America and me. It was not a pretty feeling. The flaming jealousy was there before, but this time with an aching pain of wanting to be in the place of America—in my case—Japan. To want to be the reason why someone is happy. Then realizing it was too late.

He didn't want me anymore.

I trembled, getting up shakily.

It hurt. It hurt too much, despite my body feeling numb all over. I needed to hurt something too. I needed to…

I walked over to the window, the room feeling so unbearably hot, and my heart thudding in my ears. I wrapped my fingers into a fist and smashed it into the newly replaced window pain. The sound of it shattering provided some comfort. The glass sliced into my knuckles, sending searing pain to my brain, my hand not feeling so numb anymore. I let my bruised and bloody fist drop to my side uselessly, and looked up at the gray clouding sky. A cool wind hit my face and I closed my eyes, drawing in a deep breath.

My mind was churning as I went to bed, feeling very exhausted with my new found realizations.

China's POV

"You included England in this plan?" Belarus said in a low, annoyed voice, following me out the door "Why?"

"Because, we're…" What were we? "Friends aru," I decided to go with. I walked briskly, hoping she wouldn't follow me to the Allies Meeting building. England sent Russia a fake letter yesterday-the day after we had tea together. There was an 'urgent' meeting for us Allies, and the meeting was going to be held out in the courtyard. I wonder if Russia bought it.

Nonetheless, two days later, I was going to meet Russia there (I hoped) and Belarus was following me there.

"Friends," She repeated flatly.

"Friends," I agreed, "He knew what I felt when Russia was with America aru," I said, not wanting to say too much. "And just so you know he helped me out with the plan. I'm meeting Russia in the courtyard in ten minutes aru." I glanced down in my watch. She didn't reply immediately.

"I'm glad you're actually taking it into your own hands finally," She said. I slowed my walking by the somewhat softer tone of her voice.

"Meaning aru?" I asked, not understanding what she meant by it.

"Meaning…I guess in the beginning you were so unwilling and uncertain to follow the plan and thought that Russia didn't think anything of you. You were accepting that he would never love you and was beginning to move on. Now you're believing and acting yourself without my help," She grinned. We came to a complete halt. I thought before replying.

"That sounded very…corny aru. But you're right. Mostly because your brother has is very distinct about his jealousy issues" She and I both grinned, "And was that a compliment aru?" I asked. She shrugged.

"I just felt the need to say it, so I did okay?"

"Oh, okay. And …" I bit my lip, unsure whether or not I should bring it up.

"And…?" She pressed.

"I know you used to love Russia in a certain way aru, don't you feel a little…" I trailed off, hoping she understood.

"I do," She said flatly, tonelessly and I flinched, but then added, "I'm learning to move on though. Sometimes I wonder why the hell I'm helping you in the first place. But then I think of the way your eyes look dead or Nii-san locked in his room, tearing apart wallpaper and breaking windows," She drew in a deep breath, "And the truth is plain to see. Even if it hurts," She smiled tightly, focusing on a tree behind my right ear.

"Love is such a foolish emotion. Even if we aren't wholly human, I sometimes I wish we were free of such an awful riddance aru. I'm over four thousand years and it managed to cripple me," I said, looking up at the sky.

"But sometimes, you can't help but think it's the only thing we have to hold on to, right?" Belarus flicked a glance at me, "Emotion fuels the world. It's the passion, the hate, the anger, the sadness, the devotion, the causes of problems and solutions, wars and alliances. Between everything we have to do as nations, it's sometimes the only solace we have,"

I didn't know how to reply, because she was right. It was a curse and a blessing.

So I hugged her. It was impulsive. And Bela wasn't exactly a person you could just hug. But I did, wrapping my arms around her. She stiffened, but slowly brought her arms around me. Her breath shuddered.

"Thanks China," She said in a small voice.

"You're welcome aru," I said quietly, stroking her hair absentmindedly. She pulled away, her eyes shiny.

"Plus you've got this 'caring-older-brother complex' I like. You wouldn't make that bad of an older brother-in-law," She grinned.

"Thanks aru," I returned the smile.

"Go, I think Russia is probably waiting for you. I have to meet up with my sister anyways,"

"Right aru," I nodded, and walked on without her following.

I felt nervous as the building came to view. Not scared of Russia, just apprehensive. Maybe because I knew that it was no Allies Meeting but a hoax. Maybe it was that knowing feeling I had, like I knew something was going to happen. My stomach curled in anticipation as I walked through the wide arches entering into the courtyard. Then again, maybe it was nothing.

Russia's POV

Two days later, I was walking towards the courtyard. The letter I received yesterday from England was in my left hand, a bottle of vodka in my right.

Urgent Allies Meeting.

Tomorrow 2 pm.

Meet at courtyard for training.

It meant nothing to me, other than the fact the China would be there. I needed to tell him. Even if he was with Japan. I just needed to. It wasn't something I wanted to hide. I didn't know what reaction I was expecting from China, but I needed to tell him.

I took a long sip of vodka, almost half the bottle drained. I should've bought some more on the way here.

The weather was cloudy and slightly chilly. The courtyard was empty when I arrived. Strange, I was the first one. Usually one of the Western nations arrived before me. I finished the rest of the bottle, knowing China would get disappointed if he saw me with it, and tossed it in the trash can.

I sat down on one of the stone benches, deciding to go in later. The bench overlooked the courtyard and behind it was the woods; the same stone bench where China blurted out he loved me. Where I had thrown it back in his face. Why hadn't I said the same? Things would've been so much easier. I hated this feeling.

What were the words?

Wo ai ni.

It sounded so simple, so beautiful. Why had I been so ignorant all this time?

I sighed tiredly, the alcohol easing my headache slightly, as I realized I would probably say the same thing today.

A/N: It's about time, Russia aru. *huffs* (Okay, so not the longest chappie in the world. Sorry about that I'll do better next time I swear.) Please review!