Author Notes: Thank you, everyone, for your reviews. They have really given me a lot to think about. After reading your feedback I realize that there are some things that need to be explained. I sometimes forget that only I know everything that's going on, and that's why I sometimes fail to write things "clear" enough. I guess I just always trust that people realize that things can happen off-screen as well. That said, I wrote this flashback-chapter which will hopefully explain what happened when Owen was sleeping at his mom's. But there are some things I wish to clarify right here and now.

About labeling: One of the main story arcs of this story is the relationship of Owen and Cristina, and how will they react to this change in Owen's life. It is about Cristina and Owen's relationship, therefore it is a Cristina and Owen story. In season 8 they were apart after Owen's infidelity, that was about Cristina and Owen's relationship. Now they're apart, and it is again about Cristina and Owen's relationship. I'm sorry if I've broken some unwritten rule that says all CO-stories must include them being happy, living happily ever after and having 15 children. But such rule was not included in those that I agreed to obey when I started writing on this site. Let me make this clear to all: I do NOT follow unwritten rules that say stories that include bad things are not allowed because people are used to reading stories where CO lives in a bubble. Another thing is that I want to write a story where a child is involved, but I do NOT want to write the same story that has already been told about a dozen times, which is Cristina magically suddenly wanting children with Owen. I don't write what has already been written, and I wanted to write a story like this, so having a love child was the only option.

About CO: I know Cristina hasn't made much of an appearance yet, but that's because I don't want to write about two major issues (Claire's health and the relationship with Cristina) at the same time. It would be too complex – to write and to read. I've divided this story into portions, first portion deals with Claire, the second portion deals with Cristina. CO's relationship will be explored as soon as Claire's okay. Plus I think Cristina wouldn't "make a scene" now that Owen's already wrecked. She is wrecked as well, but she isn't inappropriate and she doesn't want to make the same mistake of doing rushed decisions again. She first needs to figure out whether she wants to try to work things out with Owen, and if she chooses to speak with him, she wants to do it when they are both ready to talk. And for the record, I DO understand Cristina Yang. And more importantly, I DO care.

About Planning: Some people seem to think that I just write whatever I want and make characters act however I wish. This is not the case. My updates take time, because I do a writer's work. I carefully plan every move and consider whether the characters would or could do the things I'm planning. I do not want my characters to be completely OOC. For example, I thought for a long time whether I could write Cristina giving a gift, but then I decided to follow through with it and this chapter explains why she did so.

About Choosing Sides: I think the idea of "I can't show you and your ill daughter sympathy because I'm on Cristina's side" is horrible. This isn't about choosing sides anymore. This is about a little girl fighting for her life, and a life in jeopardy goes above everything else. Relationship issues are irrelevant in such situation. Owen is their friend and they are not a part of the problems between him and Cristina, so I don't think it's OOC for everyone to give their condolences when his daughter is literally inches away from death.

About Meredith and Derek: Derek, Owen and Mark were good friends, and I feel Mark's death brought Owen and Derek much closer. I see no reason why Derek wouldn't want to support Owen. They are friends, and while Cristina is his friend as well, Owen's the one Derek would go talk to if he ever needed a friend. As far as Meredith is concerned, 9x23 proved that she doesn't think of Owen like she did in season 8. Of course she'll always be on Cristina's side, but now she's got nothing to blame Owen for: like Cristina, she has moved on from the cheating, and I feel that like Cristina, she is above blaming Owen – or worse, Claire herself – for her birth. Meredith also had no other option than to attend the support-group: had Derek been available, she would've probably chosen not to attend, but Derek was in surgery and one of them had to be there, so it had to be her. Furthermore, Meredith said no words of comfort, she was merely present, so we don't yet know what she's thinking.

-Apinapoikaerkki.

REMINDER: This chapter is a flashback set during the time when Owen was at his mom's.

Cristina Yang was many things. She was brilliant. She was talented. She was the best cardiothoracic surgeon in the country. She was intelligent. She was a scientist. She was beautiful. She was passionate. She was the best. But the one thing she wasn't was a brooder, which is why after spending two hours sulking and brooding at Meredith's, she was quick to get up when Meredith mentioned that they were due to return to the hospital soon.

"Are you sure?" Meredith asked as she followed her to the car.

"Of course I'm sure. I'm done feeling heartbroken because of the same thing over and over again. I'm going to go to work, tend my patients and be fine."

"But he's going to be there. Are you sure that you can...?"

"Meredith, I said I'm done. Okay? I'm done crying. I'm done weeping. I'm done being incapacitated by men. I know how I'm supposed to feel, but I don't want to feel that way. I don't like to feel that way. I've already done it. When I left him the first time, I cried. When we were apart because of Teddy before that godforsaken day, I cried. I cried in the elevator after he told me that he was moving out. I cried like hell while on the phone with you after he had left the firehouse. And I

cried in Minnesota because everything was such a mess, and it was cold and my tears eventually froze. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to feel hurt because it hurts to feel so. I will not let myself be wrecked again."

"Cristina, showing emotion isn't a weakness..."

"Well I don't know how else to call it. It stops me from being who I am, which is a surgeon, so it is a weakness. And it's not who I am. You said it, just this morning: I am badass. I am The Cristina Yang. And Cristina Yang shouldn't be missing surgeries because of men. Can't you see that it's beginning to happen again? He has again taken out pieces of me, and I let him do that. Again. I' not

acting like the person that I am, and before I know it, I'm back at the altar with no eyebrows."

"But what if this is who you really are?"

Cristina gave her friend a glare. "This is not who I am. And I know what you're thinking", she added, seeing the look of concern on her person's face. "You're thinking that I'm just not dealing with my grief correctly or something. What? I haven't gone through all the five steps yet, is that it?"

"Cristina..."

"Well let's go then. I can't believe this has happened. This is so unfair! I'll give anything if I just wake up from this. Oh no, I'm so depressed, I can't live like this. I'm going to be okay. There. Was that enough denial? Enough bargaining? Because I am telling you, I'm done grieving. I won't avoid him. I won't run away from him. I've done all that."

"Then what are you going to do?"

"Act normal. Work, do surgery, do charting, be mean to my interns, force my interns to do the charting for me so that I can get to another surgery. I'm going to be fine and I'm going to act like I'm fine. Because I, Cristina Yang, am fine."

The day went by just the way she had promised it would. As soon as she got to the hospital, she

started working. She treated her interns, her patients, and Dr. Russell the way she normally would. She didn't freak out, she didn't break down, she wasn't acting any differently. She was pure iron. She was steel. She was a rock. And when she was doing a CABG on a middle-aged woman, she felt like she was rocking the surgery. She devoted all her attention to the surgery, and she was on fire. And she was fine.

She didn't want to see anyone during that day. Not because she wasn't okay, but because she was okay. She didn't need their pity. She didn't need people around her, hugging her and patting her back and saying words of comfort that she didn't need. And she was relieved that her friends knew better than to come and try to save her from her grief. She had already saved herself. This was her own personal matter, and she didn't need anyone's help. The only external help that she needed were the pills in her purse: by four o'clock, her head was aching like hell.

She entered the attendings' locker room and was surprised to find Meredith, Callie and April there, putting away their coats, Meredith holding a stuffed elephant, Callie and April both holding a colorful gift bag. April was showing a brown teddy bear and she was stopped mid-babble by Cristina's arrival: "...and I thought that this looks exactly like me, and –"

Cristina stared at each of them. She hadn't been prepared for running into her colleagues after avoiding them all day – for both her and their sake. "What's going on?" she asked, her eyes locked to the teddy bear that April was holding. The three women looked awfully guilty.

"Cristina", April said, her eyes wide. "We were just..."

"What?" Cristina asked. "Oh come on, you don't have to walk on eggshells just because I'm here. I'm perfectly fine. Now what's with the gift bags? Mer?"

Meredith looked like she was carefully watching her mouth as she spoke: "Bailey told us that it would be suitable for us to... sort of go and pay our respects.. for..."

"Oh." Cristina realized. "They're for Claire."

"Yes. Or this is actually Zola's old. She doesn't play with it. Derek made me get something, and I went home and grabbed this. I'm sorry."

"No it's okay", Cristina said, her voice and expression totally blank. She looked at the colorful bags. "And those are from a toy store?"

"Yea", Callie carefully said. "Look, I'm sorry. This must be awful to you, but Bailey kind of made us promise, and..."

"But I don't have to go", Meredith quickly said. "I mean, it's enough that Derek is there. So if you want me to..."

"Mer, you don't have to ask my permission. None of you do." She looked at them, looked at their worried and guilty-looking faces. "If you want to go, then go. You don't need my approval. He's your friend, you would be going if it weren't for me. You don't have to give me any special treatment. I'm fine. I'm fine if you go there, I'm fine if you don't go there. It's indifferent to me. Just don't make such a big deal out of this. Because I'm okay with it. I'm fine – except that I have the headache of the century. But other than that, there's nothing wrong with me. I'll survive. So please, just... get over it, get over yourselves and let me take my pills and go live my life."

Meredith, Callie and April exchanged worried looks as Cristina walked past them, opened her locker door and grabbed her purse. "Now where the hell are my pills?" she muttered to herself as she searched through her purse. Surely they were there. They had to be. She clearly recalled taking one just the other day. She had taken the jar from the purse, opened it while walking to the kitchen, swallowed the pill with a sip of water... and then her laptop had beeped as the sign of an email and she had left the jar at the kitchen counter, next to the empty glass.

"Dammit!" she hissed. She had forgotten the pills and her head was aching like hell. "Dammit! Dammit!" She threw her purse to the floor, as the disgust within turned into a white flash of anger. "DAMMIT!"

Meredith, Callie and April stared with wide eyes at Cristina, who closed her eyes and raised her hands to the sides of her head. She was shaking, squeezing her eyelids shut to prevent the tears of anger from running, and just tried to get a hold of herself. The explosion had lit fires to her soul, fires which she now tried to quench.

"Cristina..." Meredith moved closer, followed by Callie and April, which caused the flames inside her grow taller. "No!" she said. "No, I don't want to hear it."

"Hey, it's okay", Callie tried. "Everything's going to –"

"NO!" Cristina turned to face them, her eyes glittering. "Don't! Don't say that it's going to be okay. I don't want to hear that it's going to be okay, because it isn't! I don't want to hear it because it is not true. You can't say that, you can't promise that, you can't... you can't predict that." She gasped for air for a moment and then half-heartedly slammed her hand against the locker door. "I said I wasn't going to do this."

"I know", Meredith said as Cristina sat to the bench and rubbed her temples. She sat down next to her, and Callie and April – Cristina didn't know whether they were brave or foolish enough to do so – sat down to her other side. To her surprise, however, Cristina didn't feel like telling them to go away.

"I know you don't want to hear this", Callie said, "but we're here for you. Always."

Cristina nodded. She was in a bit of a shock. There was a tornado of so many different emotions swirling around inside her, and she felt helpless in its turmoil. No matter how much she had tried, no matter how deep she had tried to shove her emotions, she still hadn't been able to block her feelings. And now she had erupted like a volcano, and now that she had gotten that anger flowing out of her system, she was powerless to do anything other that just sit and let Meredith and Callie

wrap their arms around her.

She didn't know how much time had passed, but at some point she just felt that it had been long enough.

"Callie, April", she said. "You can go now."

"Are you sure?" Callie asked.

"Yes. Please."

Callie and April got up. April was still holding the teddy bear. "Umm...", she said.

"Go. I don't want to prevent him from having the support he needs. I don't mind if you go. Just... go."

"Okay", Callie said. "But remember: if you need a shoulder or a listener or someone to get drunk with, I'm available."

"Me too", April said.

Cristina nodded. "Thank you."

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Meredith asked when April and Callie had left.

"Yea. I don't care."

"What are you feeling?"

"I feel... angry. Humiliated. Disappointed. But mostly angry. I just don't know what I'm angry

at."

"What do you mean?" Meredith asked, confused. "Aren't you angry at him?"

"I suppose I am. But then again... I'm not."

Meredith looked even more puzzled. "He cheated on you."

"I know, Meredith. I know that very well. But don't you remember that we already had this conversation? I already forgave him that. I'm already past that. That wound was not reopened, and I don't want to open it. Owen cheating wasn't news to me, and that's what makes it so complicated. Usually in situations like this, the cheating and the baby are both revealed at the same time – or at least very close to each other – and it's the cheating that drives people apart. But now the cheating was revealed and forgiven, the wounds had time to heal, and only after that was the baby revealed. I'm not angry at him for cheating, because I already moved past that months ago."

"So... Are you saying that you're angry at the baby?"

"What? No! No! I'm not that monster. I don't want to be that horrible person who hates a child for what it's father did. I refuse to hate a child just because it exists. That's what started all this! I didn't want to resent a child because I didn't want it to exist, so I had the frigging abortion! I refuse to be angry at her. Even I know that she is not to blame."

"I don't understand why you put so much thought into this", Meredith exclaimed. "You have suffered a horrible injustice. Why do you try to find a reason for your hate instead of just letting yourself feel the way you do?"

"Because that's who I am, Meredith. You know that I don't go with my gut. I work with logic. I rationalize things. I have a brain, and I want to use it. I saw what happens when people let their emotions guide them. I saw what happened to those girls with whom I went to school. When they found out that their boyfriends were kissing other girls, when they heard those words 'He cheated', the words created some sort of a barrier, an impenetrable wall that prevented those girls from seeing anything else than 'He cheated'. They got so caught up with the cheating because of their emotions that they failed to see deeper. That's why I forgave Owen. Instead of becoming obsessed with the cheating-part, I sought to find the logical reason behind his act. I made him tell every single detail about that night so that I could understand why it happened. Because understanding his motives, those things that caused him to do it, made me see it as a human mistake instead of that deal breaker that everyone else saw it as. That's what helped me forgive him, that's what made the wounds heal, and that is why I trust my brain."

Meredith was silent for a while. "I'm just saying that it would be easier for you to just hate him."

"Didn't you listen to anything what I just said? The anger that I feel in my heart is aimed at him, without a doubt. But my brain says that I've already forgiven him the deed that should be the cause of my anger. My heart wants to hate him for having a child with another woman, but my brain says I can't hate him because it wasn't intentional. Then you add this to the fact that he is already suffering probably as much as I am because she is circling the drain, and the result is that I feel like my mind can't hate him, but my heart can. And I choose my mind over my emotions."

"Can you do that, Cristina? You have to have a target for your anger, otherwise you're just going to tear yourself to pieces."

"I know that! I've been trying to find a reason and a target for this anger, but the problem is that I hate this situation. Sometimes I actually wish I would be like Kepner or Callie or Bailey, because then I would have God to blame. I only have the world to blame."

"You can hate the world."

"Can I?"

"Yes. I hate the world sometimes. In fact, I hate it half the time. I hate it for giving me the childhood that I had. I hate it for killing George and Mark and Lexie. I hate it for the bomb and the shooting and the crash. I hate it for constantly trying to make me feel that this hospital isn't my home anymore. You can hate the world."

Cristina nodded. "Okay. Then, I guess I hate the world."

Meredith smiled at Cristina and they sat in silence for a while, until Meredith's pager beeped. She checked it and her expression darkened.

"What is it?"

"It's Derek. He's going to be in surgery for the rest of the evening. That means..."

"That you have to go."

"Yes."

"Then go."

"Okay, I'm going to ask you one more time", Meredith said. "Are you okay with that?"

"I'm okay with that. I don't want people choosing sides because of me. It's childish. I mean, Callie is friends with both of us. I don't want to ask her to choose which one she is going to support and which one she's going to abandon. I don't want it to be me or him for you guys. I want this to be my problem and his problem. It's our relationship, and I wish everyone else would leave it for us to

handle, and act normally. This isn't your issue."

Meredith was looking at her friend with a strange look. Was it... admiration? "You truly are one of a kind", she said.

"I know."

"So, do you still want to talk, or...?"

She shook her head. "We've been soft-core long enough. I need to be getting ready for my valve replacement in 30 minutes, anyway."

"Okay", she said, got up and walked to the door.

"Mer!"

She turned around. "What?"

"Promise me that you won't kick his ass."

She frowned. "Why?"

"Because I want to handle this on my own. I don't want anyone pushing me to make a decision. So... promise that you'll stay out of this."

"A decision?" She looked at her with concern in her eyes. "You're not thinking about forgiving, are you?"

"I'm thinking that I need to think about this. I don't know what I'm going to do. I still love him, that hasn't changed. But I don't know if I can get over this. A big part of me feels like I can't. But I still need to talk with him. If a cut needs to be made, it has to be clean. I can't end things like this. It must be a clear decision."

"I understand."

She was about to leave again, when Cristina once more called her name. "What?" she asked.

"If you see one of my interns, tell them to go buy a stuffed animal."

Meredith raised her eyebrows. "Are you serious?"

She nodded. "I'm still going to try to live normally. And if I can't give a toy to a dying kid, that means I have no hope of succeeding. I want everything to be as normal as possible, because that's the only way that I can concentrate on doing surgery. If it were Alex's baby, I'd give it a gift. If it were Jackson's baby, I'd maybe give it a gift. Until I've figured things out, I want to think that it's just a baby. No relationships or issues, just a baby of someone that I know and care about."

"Are you sure you're not just rebelling?" her friend asked.

"Excuse me?"

"Well, I'm just wondering if you want to buy a gift because you feel that the world is trying to bring you down to your knees and you want to show to the world that you won't give in."

Cristina thought for a while. "Sounds reasonable. Yea, maybe I am. I don't know."

"Do you want it to be a particular animal?"

She thought for a while. "Tell them to bring me an owl."

"Okay. Why?"

"Because owls are the only likable animals. They are symbols of wisdom, and Owl is literally the only sane character in Winnie the Pooh."

An so, when darkness fell that evening, Cristina was walking through the hospital, holding in her hand a yellow gift bag. Her interns had chosen a violet owl with blue belly and large blue eyes. Not the best colors, she admitted, but probably good enough for a baby.

As she walked, she was trying to figure out the reason as to why she was doing this. Nobody expected her to do this, nobody forced her to do this. But maybe that was the reason: everyone expected her to be a crying wreck without realizing that just because most people would be shivering on the floor didn't mean that she would. After talking with Meredith, her confidence had returned, and she had decided to not let this beat her down. And this time she would succeed, because this time she wasn't overdoing it. She admitted that earlier the day she had tried too hard to be okay, which had lead to an emotional explosion. Now she was trying a different strategy: instead of trying to dam up her emotions, she was going to let them flow – but within her control. She now allowed herself to feel, but didn't let her emotions take control. Maybe she was doing this because of that: to prove to herself and everyone else that she was in control. And if she was unable to do something as small as give toy to a kid, then she was clearly not in control.

Or maybe she was doing this because of another reason, a reason that had lurked in the back of her brain for quite some time now. Maybe, just maybe, she was doing this to prove Owen wrong. To prove that what he had shouted at her didn't hold true anymore. She stood behind her decision, she would always stand behind it. But the fact that she had done it didn't make her a monster. She wasn't without compassion. She wasn't without caring. Maybe a part of her was trying to prove him that she was capable of sympathy, despite everything.

Whether the reason was either of those, or whether it was nobility, the will to rebel against the world, or just pure temporal madness, she was going to do this. She wasn't going to back down. But she wasn't ready to face him, which is why she was going to just deliver the owl and go before he would get there. Now was not the time to have that discussion with him. He wasn't ready – and neither was she.

As Cristina walked through the doors leading to a long hallway, she could see two people emerging through the doors on the opposite end of the corridor: and old woman whom she instantly recognized as her ex-Mother-in-law, and next to her was her son.

Cristina and Owen's eyes met, and for a split-second they were looking at each other. Every thought that she had was suddenly washed away, leaving behind nothing but a commandment that came directly from her instincts: Go! And before neither of them could even truly realize it, she had darted to the side-corridor.

Dammit, she thought. Just as she was trying to figure out what to do next, she spotted a familiar figure walking across the corridor. "Mer."

Her friend stopped and spotted her. "Cristina? What are you –?"

"Listen, just take this", Cristina said as she walked towards her. "I was supposed to take it before he got here, but now it's too late. I don't want to see him yet. Please take it."

"Okay", Meredith said and took the gift bag. "Do I say anything, or...?"

"No. Just take it. Don't say anything. I'll talk to him if I decide so, but I have to do it myself. Just take that so that I can get this over with."

"Okay. I'll come to see you as soon as I can."

"Yea. Just go now."

The two women parted ways, and as Cristina walked away, she could feel the pain inside her. She didn't deny feeling it, but she wasn't going to let it burst and affect her doing. She acknowledged it's existence and let it be where it was, but she still kept on going. Because she was in control. She was going to survive. She wasn't fine yet, but this was the first step towards that finish line.

PS. There you have it. I hope this cleared things, and if not, then I'm sorry, but this is all I can give. And before you start saying that no woman would ever be able to act like Cristina, I want you to know that this chapter was written in cooperation with my sister's friend who went through a similar ordeal (though in her case the pregnancy was revealed much sooner) and she was able to forgive. So I want to thank Laura for giving me an insider's point of view.

PPS. Thank you for reviewing, but please stop accusing me of writing Cristina OOC, for I find it slightly hypocritical and unfair. There are Cristinas in this site who are, for example (and with all due respect to their creators), happy mothers, which is – at least for the time being – extremely OOC, but I don't see anyone complaining about them. If those versions of Cristina are allowed to exist, why isn't mine? So unless you have notified those Cristinas to be OOC, don't come say my Cristina is OOC just for the sake of finding as many flaws from this story as possible.

-Apinapoikaerkki.