Can't Let You Go

Chapter Two

They say that living is the best feeling in the world. Well their wrong, whoever might have said that, their wrong. Living sucks. Being dead is the best feeling in the world.

Brittany died.

It might not have been physically, but mentally, she died. And for that year and a half, it was the only true feeling she had.

The day Santana told her she was leaving was the day Brittany died. In a way, she'd never been the same since. She had still lost a part of herself too, a part of her that was worth living for. But now that it's gone, she didn't feel the need to live anymore. She couldn't, Brittany simply couldn't live without her, she was apart of her. And then she was gone. Just like that. And Brittany didn't look back. She was dieing when she walked away, when she got home and her head hit her pillow, she was dead. And she had never been the same since.

23rd July 2005

Blonde hair, sprawled out all over a pillow, pale skin, going white. A body lying on a bed, never moving, not even a flinch. Bright blue eyes, now turned a cold grey, shining through the dark empty air, in the dark and empty bedroom. Not a single sound, nothing moved. Silent tears falling out of dry eyes, dripping onto the silky cushion. The only thing breathing was suddenly gone, nothing breathed.

'She's leaving'

A loud gasp, echoed throughout the black room. Then a choke and a dry cough, and then another, and another. The breathing turned heavy, short and quick. Like panting, light sniffs could be heard at the same time. The pale face turned bright red in an instant. The panting and gasping never stopping, the tears still falling.

'We're moving tomorrow and then, we're never coming back.' Santana's angelic voice echoed throughout Brittany's brain. It was the only thing she could hear. The only thing she wanted to hear.

'She's not coming back.' That was the last thing Brittany heard herself say, before everything went black. That was the moment Brittany died.

Slow, heavy breathing was the first thing she could hear. A small squeeze was felt on her hand. Brittany opened her eyes to find herself still in her room. But this time it looked a bit brighter, it didn't feel so empty all of a sudden. She looked down to see where the squeezing came from and found a similar pale hand to hers. It was placed gently on her hand, which she noticed wasn't even pale anymore. It didn't look like her fresh glowing skin she would see everyday. It was white, almost grey, and clammy; she knew it was probably cold too. Coldness was the only feeling she felt on the inside.

"That's it honey, keep breathing in and out" Brittany heard a gentle, warm voice say beside her.

She looked to see the source of the voice and came face to face with a tight-lipped, smiling pale face. Her eyes were the same light-blue that hers used to be, watery tears filling them. Brittany could tell straight away that her mother was trying to be strong, but her sad expression told her otherwise. Brittany didn't recognise this side to her mother, she had never seen her look so hurt before, so worried. It was like she would breakdown if Brittany so much as moved. So she didn't. She sat still, with the paper bag in hand, around her mouth, which Brittany found was the source to the crisp noise she could hear. Her breathing was beginning to slow down. But Brittany could still feel the tears falling down her cold cheek. Brittany was surprised she could feel anything, she didn't think she would.

Brittany started to slowly bring the bag down, the paper bag noise was now gone, her deep breathing no longer deep. She was just breathing.

Once the bag was placed on her flowery bedcover, Brittany brought her hand slowly to her forearm. She quickly pinched the cold skin. She felt the light sting, Brittany winced at the feeling. Why could she feel it? She wasn't supposed to feel anything, she was dead. Why wasn't she dead? So she pinched her arm again, and then again and again. Each pinch getting harder and more painful. She would wince each time she felt the sting. She didn't want to feel the sting.

"Brittany, stop it." Her mum slapped her hand away from her arm. "What do you think your doing?" she asked fiercely.

Brittany looked into her mothers eyes, she noticed that the dam had now broken; her blue eyes were no longer watery but filled with fresh tears spilling down her face. She had broken her mother.

"I'm feeling things. Why am I feeling anything? I'm supposed to be dead" Brittany blurted out, her voice croaky from the never ending tears.

"No your not, don't you ever say that Brittany." Her mother told her sternly, she felt her mother's warm hands press onto her arm, there eyes locked onto each others. "You're not dead, okay? You're not going to die, not anytime soon, okay? Not while I'm still around you're not. I love you too much to let you, do you understand?" She asked her daughter quietly, making sure her voice remained gentle the whole time.

Brittany weakly nodded her head, before bursting into loud sobs and falling into her mothers welcoming arms. She couldn't fight it anymore.

"She's leaving, mummy. Santana's leaving and she's never coming back. Not even for me" Brittany choked out through her hard tears.

"I know sweetie, I know" her mother rocked her gently to and fro, just like she used to when she was her little baby girl in her arms. "It's okay; everything is going to be okay?"

And for a short while, Brittany truly believed her. Everything was going to be okay.

Present Day

23rd March 2012

She had died in her mothers arms that day, but with her reassurance Brittany started to come back to earth. She may never feel complete again, but with her mothers support, she was well on her way to recovery.

After a while, everything was okay. It took her a year and half, but eventually Brittany started to feel her soul coming back to her. She no longer felt so cold. But she wasn't warm yet either. She wasn't the bubbly girl everyone knew anymore. That changed when she met him, the old Brittany started to come back again, slowly.

She met him, James Mills, and he was everything Brittany needed and more. He was her friend. He looked after her, when no one else could. He was there for her, day and night. All she had to do was call. He was slowly beginning to become her missing puzzle piece. He was her guardian angel, and for that she would forever be thankful. He was perfect, but not at the same time.

There was something missing, something Brittany couldn't quite figure out at first. But when she did, she realised just how obvious it was. Just how true it was.

He wasn't Santana.

And yet a part of Brittany needed him. Brittany knew that she needed Santana to breathe, but she needed James to live. He was her recovery; he was slowly bringing her back to life. And that was all she needed to know.

"Brittany, babe, are you okay?" Brittany was slowly brought out of her thoughts at the sound of a tired, deep voice.

She turned towards James' slightly tanned, masculine face. She looked at the way his light brown hair tussled when the air would hit it. She looked at his tight-jawed face and noticed his good looks. He was certainly a charmer, that's what made Brittany like him just that little bit more. But whenever she would look at him, she couldn't help but agree with her head.

He was nothing like Santana.

When she looked back at James and saw his worried expression, Brittany quickly nodded her head. She didn't like to make him worry. After that day her mother rescued her, she didn't like to make anyone worry. She never wanted to make someone look the way her mother looked that day, so weak and so fragile. But she knew that what her mum must have seen, when she found her, would have been so much worse. Her mum never tells her, but Brittany can still see the pain in her eyes, even after all these years. From that day on, Brittany vowed to never make anyone worry; it hurt her too much when she did.

When she saw James' face no longer look upset, Brittany smiled. She stopped him from feeling worried. James smiled back before leaning back in bed, and going back to sleep.

Brittany stayed sitting up in bed, she turned her head back to the slightly open window and was immediately filled up with her thoughts all over again.

She didn't expect to ever fall for anyone. She didn't think she would ever look at anyone the same way again. And apart of her didn't want to. That was the part of her where Santana used to be. But she wasn't there anymore. Brittany knew that now, it took her a while to fully realise it, but she knew it now.

And that was all she needed to know.

When she met James, he made her smile again from day one, and Brittany knew straight away that she would have to keep him in her life. She didn't expect them to be anything more than friends at first. But once she realised that she had been 'friends' with him for almost four years she began to try seeing him in a different way. When she noticed that she could learn to love him – not just like him – she decided to give him a chance. Mercedes and Tina always encouraged her right from the beginning, even if Quinn always did try to find something wrong with him (and still did to this day); she knew that they were right. So she gave it a go and found that she didn't regret it. Not one bit.

It didn't feel right at first, James knew that too. He was very understanding, another thing she liked about him. He had the patience to wait. Although she wouldn't have minded if he was impatient, even just a little bit.

Santana always was.

But he understood, so they took things slow. For a long while, but when it began to reach a year Brittany knew that James wouldn't wait around forever. He didn't force her, he never forced her. She wanted it, and so she got it. And the two had been happy ever since. So when they're third year anniversary came around, Brittany understood his reason to propose. That's not to say that she liked it (a small part of her was still hoping on all hopes for the inevitable, but it never happened), she learned to like it. Plus she couldn't turn him down in a public restaurant. So she did the one thing she could do, she said 'yes' and they have been happy ever since.

That was two days ago. Brittany knew why they were happy; it was because they hadn't told anyone yet. They were planning to do it at a party, which was to be thrown in a week's time. Brittany wasn't looking forward to it, she had a feeling that when they would tell everyone, their little 'happiness' would be no more. Brittany knew that when they did tell everyone she wouldn't feel happy anymore, because the reality of it will hit her, it'll hit her like a ton of bricks. And she wasn't looking forward to that one bit. She was settled, she was happy, she was fine. She didn't want reality to come and knock it down.

Huh, Will reality come and knock it down? Or will that just be Santana? who knows, but what do you think? tell me by kindly leaving a review below, it'll make me smile I swear hehe :D

And thank you to all those who have favourited and followed and reviewed, it all means a lot, plus its all making me write faster meaning quicker updates, so its a win-win for all :))

I shall go now and leave you all to your thoughts, have a nice day - Y.A.M.L