Can't Let You Go

Chapter Three

7th August 2005

# I thought I saw a woman brought to life,

A quiet, croaky voice sang out slowly into the almost pitch-black room. Brittany's room was always dark now, the curtains always closed, nothing ever moving, the room never saw the light of day anymore. It was cold and empty, just like her. Her bedroom spoke volume; because Brittany couldn't seem to speak anymore, so her bedroom did the talking for her.

She was warm,

She came around,

And she was dignified,

Brittany's voice choked out, each word coming out slower as she pictured the one person she could never seem to get out of her mind anymore. Her pale, white body lay perfectly still on her bedroom floor. Her vulnerable nakedness making her skin shine throughout her room. Tears slowly trickled down her stone-hard face, but she didn't stop them this time, she simply let them fall. Her bare arms lying naked next to her. A plain grey top crumpled up in her stone cold hand.

Brittany didn't know how long she had been on the floor for, she didn't care either. Just like she didn't care that she was completely naked and her bedroom door wasn't locked so just about anyone could come running in. She didn't care that the last thing she could remember was taking her clothes off for her bath. She didn't care that her bath was most probably freezing cold by now. She didn't care that she had been singing the same song that she simply couldn't get out of her head since she first heard it three days ago, over and over again. She didn't care that the plain grey top she was holding belonged to her. She didn't care that it was the last remaining thing she had of hers. She didn't care that she had been holding it in her hands for days now. She didn't care that her friends were starting to worry about her because of it. Brittany simply didn't care about anything anymore. She didn't want too.

The only thing that she cared about had left. The only thing she loved and was meant to tell her she loved her this summer was now gone. She had left her. This fact was the only thing Brittany cared about anymore.

'She showed me what it was to cry.' Brittany said the words instead.

Her voice sounded so empty and so raw, like she no longer held any emotions, but too much at the same time. Her tears became stronger at those words, they broke through her barriers and she didn't bother to try and stop them from doing so. She just lay perfectly still on her bedroom floor, with the top in hand.

There's nothing where she used to lie.

Brittany sang out truthfully, her head instinctively looking at the right side of her bed. It looked so tall and long from where she lay. It looked so bare and naked too, like something was missing. That was the side where she always slept, Brittany's was the left. She could distinctly hear her voice echoing into her ear.

'I sleep on the right, you the left' she could hear her angelic voice telling her. Brittany remembered herself giggling at this, she always used to giggle. But then again they were nine years old when she first slept over.

'Why do you get the right side?' she could hear her squeaky, younger voice asking her friend.

'Because… cause I'm always right' she told her simply.

Brittany could still see her cute face nod like she was agreeing with the statement, before she folded her arms in that bored way she always would.

Brittany would always remember her, no matter what; she was always in her thoughts. Brittany's heart started to ache, she flinched at the feeling. 'Why was it hurting?' Brittany asked herself. She didn't even know anymore.

My conversation has run dry,

That's what's going on,

Nothing's right,

I'm torn.

Brittany flinched again, as her heart ached once more. A cold shiver ran through her body. Her silent tears never stopping. Brittany was a mess, but she still didn't care.

I'm all out of faith

This is how I feel

I'm cold and I am shamed

Lying naked on the floor

Brittany shrugged at this, like she was proving that she didn't care about that anymore.

Illusion never changed,

Into something real,

I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn.

You're a little late,

Brittany's body started to slowly shake, it knew what was coming next and her body would re-act the same way every time she got to that part of the song.

'I'm already torn' she said the words again, slowly and ever so quietly, as if she only wanted herself to hear the words.

'I'm already torn' she repeated singing it this time around, it came out faster and shakier as her tears turned into hard sobs.

Her loud crying broke the quietness of her room. Her heart beated in pain at the feeling of her raw emotions. Her voice turned into a shriek when she felt her heartache reach all over her body. The cold shiver came back; it ran down her spine, down her motionless arms and legs, all the way to the tips of her feet and forefingers. Her right hand flinched at the coldness. Her hand becoming sweaty started to loosen its grip with the top in her hand. As she flinched it caused the top to flick away from her hands and land out of her reach. Brittany shrieked out again.

She was losing control of everything and it was hurting her so much. Everything was beginning to hurt; she could still feel the aching in her body. And now she had lost contact of the top. She was losing her…

Brittany started to screech, she thrashed her arms and legs about frantically as she tried to get the thought out of her head. She began shaking her head in frustration. Nothing was going right. She hadn't moved her body in so long that she was beginning to get pins and needles running through her too. This only increasing her frustration and hurt.

Brittany was torn.

A loud 'crash' broke into her room, Brittany wanted to know what that sudden light was all of a sudden, but she couldn't seem to stop. Her anger and emotions were becoming too strong, she had bottled it up for so long that she was finally erupting, and she was taking it all out on herself.

Brittany's crying never ending, every heart beat aching, and the brightness bursting through her room was burning her. She wanted to tell whoever it was to go away, to get the hell out and leave her alone, but the only thing she could seem to get out was the only other thing she was thinking.

"There's nothing where she used to lie!" she screeched out in agony, the words hurting her so much.

"There's nothing, nothing" she said before bursting into tears.

Brittany could hear a loud scream before she heard footsteps running over to her.

"Ittany, Ittany stop it" she heard her younger sister say, Brittany felt soft hands grab her arms and felt them try to pull them down and keep them there.

Her sister didn't even seem to care that she didn't have a thing on her. She didn't seem phased at all that she could practically see her older sister's breast's, or see how hard her nipples were because of the coldness in the air. Her sister wasn't bothered at all; she just came along, told her to stop and held her arms down, like as if it were something she had done before.

But Brittany needed to let it all out; she couldn't hold it in anymore. It was all her fault. She let her go, she didn't even try to stop her and now she was paying for the consequences. It was all her fault; she wasn't ready to stop yet. So she didn't she kept trying to fight her, but she forgot how strong her little sister could be sometimes. She was only five yet she kept her grip in place, Brittany's arms could hardly move, so she kept thrashing her legs instead. Brittany turned her head to the side, and was meet with the fierceness of her little sisters eyes, like hers they were bright blue too, but bigger and bolder. But right now they weren't as sparkly and playful as they usually were, they had turned a misty blue colour instead, her eyes were beginning to water. Brittany could see the fear in her eyes and it was because of that that she started to calm her movements and anger. She started to control her emotions again. She was losing control of everything, but when it came to her younger sister, she would do anything to make sure she only saw the best in people too, just like Brittany used to do. Brittany wanted to be a good role model for her to look up too. She never had that (in a form of a sister), so she would do anything to make sure that Hayleigh had that. She couldn't stand to see her so scared. That was the moment she vowed to never let her sister look like that again, no matter what.

Brittany went back to her stillness after a short while of calming down. Her sister never once letting go of her. She was keeping her grounded.

"Okay, Ittany?" she heard her sister ask after a moment of silence.

Brittany couldn't seem to get any words out anymore, so she simply nodded her head instead. Brittany felt her frustration start to fade away, but the pain in her heart was still there, it wasn't going. Brittany's body started to shake all over again, her cries never ceasing. Hayleigh's eyes broke into fear for the second time, her watery eyes turning into full on tears, and Brittany hated herself even more for making her feel like that again. But she couldn't stop the tears, or the pain, so she let them fall instead.

"Mummy!" Hayleigh screeched out, when she saw Brittany's face wince and her tears never stopping.

As soon as the words came out, her mother was at the door and running to her side like a bullet. Brittany turned away as soon as she heard her mother coming towards them. She couldn't bear to see the hurt in her eyes again. She always looked at her with the same look in her eyes now, and Brittany couldn't stand it. It made her feel ten times worse.

She felt her mother's gentle hand stroke the top of her unwashed head, whilst the other hand was gently placed on her forearm. She could hear her mother start to shush her tears away.

When her tears started to die down, and she found that she was no longer shaking, her mum learned forward and placed a soft kiss on her forehead before whispering reassuring words into her ear. Brittany always felt better when her mum would do this; it was like she was her medicine whenever she felt upset.

Brittany suddenly felt herself shiver as the coldness finally made it known to her. That was when she realised just how cold she actually was, she must have felt like ice to her mother. Brittany still kept her head to the side, though, she still couldn't look her in the eyes and see the pain.

After a short while of comfortable silence she felt her mum lean back and felt her sister's hands leave her arms.

"Is there water in your bath, sweetie?" Brittany heard her mum ask her. Brittany still unable to speak just nodded her head in reply. This seemed good enough for her mum as she then turned to her sister.

"Hayleigh, sweetie, could you go run your sister a bath please?" her mum asked Hayleigh.

Hayleigh didn't even bother to complain or give an excuse as to why she wouldn't do it, like she usually would have. She may only be five, but she wasn't stupid. She knew that her sister was hurt, she may not know why, but she knew that she needed help right now. So that's what Hayleigh decided to do. Brittany felt her sister quickly leave her side and heard the little patter of her feet fade away as she got nearer to the bathroom.

Brittany heard her sister turn the tap on and could hear the cascade of water hitting the bath. She could practically hear Hayleigh trying to deicide whether she should add bubble bath or not, and she wanted to laugh at the cute face she knew would be on her sisters face right about now. But she couldn't, her face stayed emotionless. She hardly ever smiled anymore, ever since she left, those awful two weeks ago.

Everything was so calm and quiet; Brittany didn't want to move as she was scared that she would ruin it. So she lay motionless, letting her nakedness shine through. She closed her eyes as she felt the peacefulness of her room now. She knew that she was still crying, her tears never seemed to want to stop, they'd been falling ever since she came into her room to prepare for bed. Even though it was still light out at the time, Brittany found sleep to be the only thing she ever did.

She would still do Cheerio's practice – even though she hardly knew why as it wasn't the same without her – and she would go to her motocross club too, but that was mainly because her mum would drag her there. She hardly ever left the house now, and Brittany began to wonder if she ever would. She didn't feel like doing anything anymore. Not without her. So she wouldn't do anything, maybe that's why she found herself lying naked on the floor again. She always seemed to do that now; she hadn't slept in her bed in days. But this was the first time she had ever been caught. And in a way she was kind of happy about it. Her family really did care.

"Brittany" a gentle whisper was heard through Brittany's ear.

"Brittany, come on, up you get, dear" she heard her mums' soft voice speaking calmly to her.

She felt her warm hands press onto her upper arms, pulling them up slowly. Brittany groaned in reply. She was still a bit dazed from her short nap. She certainly wasn't ready to come back to reality just yet. Not when she had another dream of her.

When she felt the patient tugging of her mother, though, she decided to at least try to get up. She opened her eyes, slowly but surely, and the blurry vision of her flowery bedroom wall was the first thing she could see. She started to squint a bit, to get her vision back to normal, and after a short while of staring straight forward, her eyesight started to come back to her.

She started to slowly make her way up off the floor, her mother helping her by pulling her up by her hands now instead. Once she was up a massive shiver went straight through her, Brittany looked down at her body, and found that she was still stark naked, but when she looked at the place where she laid – for what must have been hours – she noticed a thin blanket sprawled out on the floor. She immediately looked at her mum, and could see the worry in her eyes as if she was afraid she might have done something wrong. Brittany immediately softened her cold features and simply said her thanks through her eyes, as she still couldn't move her mouth yet. Her mum just nodded in understanding, before leading her step by step to the bathroom.

It was from that moment on when everything seemed to happen in a quick blur. Brittany didn't know why, but everywhere she looked she could see her. When she looked at her bedroom door she could see pictures of her friends, and right in the middle of a collage of them was a picture of her. She was looking straight at the camera, with one of her hardly ever seen natural smiles on her face; her shoulders were scrunched up as she held her thumbs up.

'Why have you put that there, San?' A thirteen year old Brittany asked her friend. She just simply shrugged before answering.

'Well, that's a good luck sign right?' she asked Brittany rhetorically, but she nodded her head anyway. 'Well then it's so you'll always have good luck' she told her, before she broke out into that massive smile only Brittany could ever see.

Brittany broke down. Her heart burned with a fierce stinging, almost stabbing-like pain shooting through her veins. Her eyes stung with the constant crying she seemed to be doing but she couldn't help it, they would just fall on their own accord. Brittany shook with rage and sadness as every memory of her came back into her head. She was haunting her brain. Brittany couldn't take it.

She closed her eyes for a second and the next thing she knew she was in her mothers' arms, her tears leaking through her mums' shirt. But her mum didn't mind as she simply started shushing her again, trying to get her to calm down, but her body wouldn't let her. Her eyes began to sting again, so she closed them to stop the pain, when she opened them once more she was in the bathroom. She looked at the bubble-less bath and saw little bath confetti's floating around in the water. She would've chuckled at Hayleigh's attempt to at least make her bath relaxing, but she still couldn't. So she cried even more.

She didn't even remember closing her eyes for the third time, but for some reason Brittany suddenly found herself inside the bath, the confetti's long since dissolved. The warmth hit her like a burning fire; her frozen body wasn't prepared for the sudden heat. When she closed her eyes again she felt water hitting her head, she felt her mums gentle hand running through her knotty blonde locks, as she hadn't bothered to brush them that day. Then she felt another cup full of water hit her head, it ran down her shoulders and down her arms landing back into the bath again. When she opened her eyes she found that her tears had now turned to light sobs, but her body still shook with every sob coming out of her thin lips.

She always loved her lips. Brittany remembered her telling her that every time their lips would connect with each others. They weren't the average best friends, they were more like friends with benefits, but they made it work. They were going to make it work even more during the summer holiday too; Brittany knew just what they were meant to do this summer.

They were supposed to hang out everyday, go to the park, like they always would, talk until the sun came down, go back to her house, steal some alcohol that would always be in their fridge, climb to the roof and sit on their favourite spot and talk some more. About anything and everything and from there Brittany would've made it official. She would've said everything her friend wanted her to say when they were in Junior year of school, she would've told her how much she needed her and loved her and how she wished she had never chosen Artie, how this year – Senior year – was going to be their year, how they would be together forever, like they knew they always would be. They would've done all of that and so much more, but reality took it all away.

Brittany was living in a fairytale, not everything was all sugar and spice and all things nice, life didn't work out that way, Brittany knew that now. But that didn't mean it wouldn't hurt any less, because it didn't, it hurt so much more than that instead.

Brittany missed her; she missed her so much that it was killing her.

She heard a slight whimper come out her mothers' lips and when she finally looked her in the eyes she could see the look of sympathy and worry. She looked so hurt and broken, she knew that she had said her thoughts out loud again, and that only made Brittany cry more.

"I miss her so much."

Present Day – One Days Later

25th March 2012

# I'm all out of faith,

This is how I feel,

I'm cold and I am shamed

Lying naked on the floor,

Illusion never changed,

Into something real,

I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn,

You're a little late-,

Brittany switched the radio off so fast she was lucky she didn't break the button. She didn't want to hear the rest; it was bad enough that she had to re-live through that day again. She never wanted to remember that moment, her mother and sister sure as hell didn't, they knew Brittany didn't want to talk about it, so they never did. She was still grateful, though, she didn't know what she would've done if they weren't there that night.

She never wanted to feel like that again, so vulnerable and weak. And she knew that she never would. She was with James now, and with James everything was okay. She felt safe, she felt secure, like she knew exactly what would happen with her life. She was settled and she couldn't ask for anything better than that. No matter how much she still found herself begging for the inevitable. She just wanted to see her again. Even just for a little while.

Then as if the heavens heard her prayer, she heard it.

Brittany never was one for long silences anymore; she had had her fare share with them enough in her past. Her family and friends always wanting to ask how she was or if she knew anything about her at all, but seeing the sadness in her eyes, never being brave enough to actually go through with it, so they would just be silent instead. She always hated when that happened, that was when she learnt that she would never go through a long, awkward silence again.

So when she found that her car was starting to be filled with too much tension and silence she simply had to turn the radio back on, but changing the channel as soon as she did. And when she finally settled for one she was not prepared for what she heard next. The radioman's voice broke through Brittany's quiet car.

"It's now time for some new footage, the lady who's been making her name known since two-thousand and five has finally come back with a bang. I mean her last song was incredible but I have a feeling that this little beauty will head straight to number one in less than a week. That's right ladies and gents; it's the brilliant 'Someone like you' by Santana Lopez."

That was all Brittany needed to hear for her heart to race a mile-a-minute and for her head to suddenly become so dizzy and weak. She hadn't heard a song from Santana in months now, she thought she never would hear one again, but it seemed fate other plans. Before she could think about it anymore, her car was filled with the one voice she hadn't heard in so long, the beautiful, raspy tone making her belly flutter and her skin tingle, just like it always did.

# I heard that your,

Settled down,

That you,

Found a girl and your,

Married now

Brittany immediately pulled over when the song began; she knew she wouldn't be able to drive with her singing in the background. Brittany noticed just how tender and soft her voice was, it was so gentle that it hurt Brittany's heart all over again. When the words echoed throughout her small, mini car – the one that she had always wanted and that James was kind enough to get for her birthday present – she knew instantly who the song was aimed at.

She looked at the small, eight carat, diamond engagement ring on her finger. It was a beautiful ring, and Brittany was more than happy to wear it, she knew that it would have cost way more than James could afford and that's what made Brittany like it even more. It came from the heart and so she was thrilled to have it, but when she looked at it now, she couldn't help but see how small it actually was. It didn't seem to gleam right, there was no sparkle when it hit the sunlight, and she couldn't help but feel that it simply didn't look right on her pale finger. And when she thought about it, she knew exactly why that was.

It wasn't the ring she grew up expecting. It wasn't from Santana.

# I heard that your dreams came true,

Guess she gave you things,

I didn't give to you

Brittany wanted to scream out to the world, she wanted to break the radio for doing this to her. She wasn't meant to feel like this again. She wanted to scream at Santana.

How could she even begin to think that her dreams came true? How could they come true when she was the one who was always in it?

They had been best friends from the age of six; of course Santana was going to be her dream. She never expected anything else. But they're not six anymore, they're twenty-four now, and Brittany was older and smart enough to know that sometimes dreams don't come true. Sometimes in life you just have to be grateful with what you have and work around that.

Brittany looked at her ring again, and put on a smile. She was happy. She and James were happy, and that's the way it was going to stay.

# I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, but I couldn't stay awake,

I couldn't fight it.

I'd hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded,

That for me, it isn't over

'What the?" was the only thing Brittany could think. 'It isn't over' Santana's raspy voice repeated itself through Brittany's head.

Was that true? Is that what she really felt? And if it was, what was she supposed to do about it?

Brittany's head was getting so mixed up and confused, all the unanswered questions driving her mind crazy. She didn't know what she was supposed to do or feel, so instead she just let the tears stream down her face. Of its own accord, just like they always used too.

# Never mind I'll find someone like you,

I wish nothing but the best,

For you two,

Don't forget me,

I beg,

I remember you said,

Sometimes it lasts in love,

But sometimes it hurts instead.

Through her tears, Brittany ran the words over her head again. She took in every word that was used.

'I heard that you settled down, that you found a girl and your married now' Brittany sang these words over and over again to herself.

It didn't make sense, none of it made any sense. If she was singing this song to her, like she thought she was, then how could she possibly know that she was getting married? They hadn't spoken to each other in seven years.

The only possible way that she could know was if someone told her. But they hadn't told anyone yet. Well, apart from when she accidentally let it slip to Mercedes and Tina the other day. She had to tell them, she simply couldn't hold it in any longer. And, well everyone knew that the two are the biggest gossipers in all of Lima, which could only mean one thing.

They told Mike and Sam (clearly, as they were their respected partners), who would've told Artie, who would've told Finn, the only other person he keeps in contact with, who blatantly would've told Kurt, who would've obviously told Blaine, and who would've told Rachel, who then would've told Quinn, who would've told Puck, who would've told the only person who he is now currently body-guarding for – because she wouldn't trust anyone else – and there's nothing that Puck could not keep from Santana. So all of that could only mean one thing.

She knows…

Dun, Dun, Dunnn! What will happen know that she knows hey, is this where everything begins to get interesting? Who knows, only one way to find out, review and tell me your thoughts and another chap will be coming soon :D enjoy the rest of your day - Y.A.M.L