A/N Here's the new chapter! I'm writing from memory so the lines are going to be a bit off from the film :O Enjoy!
This was not happening. There was no way Bilbo Bagginswas listening to this – this complete and utter nonsense.
"No, no, this will work!" Kili reassured the hobbit in hushed tones, "you're so small they won't even see you coming!"
Bilbo closed his eyes, fighting simultaneous urges to throttle the two dwarves pushing him to reclaim their lost ponies and to shake in fear at the thought of getting anywhere near the three trolls sitting in the clearing that lay far, far too close for Bilbo's liking.
"Really now," Bilbo ground out turning between the brothers, "I know going to Thorin would be undoubtedlyunpleasant in every possible meaning of the word, but I really do not think that we should be doing this alone!" The hobbit glared at them for good measure, "that I should be doing this alone!"
Fili and Kili glanced at each other clearly still considering sending their burglar after the lost ponies to be a more favorable solution than going to their uncle.
"Oh come on!" Bilbo cried in exasperation, "you two cannot possibly think this is a good idea!"
"Well…" Fili and Kili said in unison trailing off and looking not at all convinced in turning this conversation in a direction Bilbo was more comfortable with.
"We'll be right behind you, Master Baggins," began Fili putting a hand on Bilbo's shoulder, "that's right, Master Boggins, no need to take drastic measures! Just sneak on over there all… sneaky-like! You can tell us what the lay of the camp is and then I promise we'll go get Thorin," Kili finished with a smile the hobbit thought was far too confident given their current situation.
Bilbo's mouth hung open in disbelief that this was happening. That this was going to happen. With soup in his hands.
"I… I…Oh alright! I will take a look, and only a look, but then I am coming right back and you two better be waiting!"
With that Bilbo shoved the two bowls into their stomachs and turned with a huff. The hobbit knew he had to start moving before his brain had time to catch up with his feet.
Bilbo felt Fili's hand on his shoulder as he stalked away from them, "if you get in trouble, hoot once like a brown owl, then twice like a barn owl! We'll come find you."
Bilbo just nodded trying to keep him mind blank and took a large gulp. He got about three steps before he finally registered what Fili had told him and panic seized him. 'Was it once like a hoot owl?' he thought desperately, 'are there even such things as hoot owls or was it hoot like a brown owl? Oh no. Oh no, no, no!'
Bilbo spun on his foot to confirm which horribly specific species of owl he was supposed to be imitating, but when his eyes flicked towards the space in the trees he had just come, he saw it was now missing the familiar shape of two dwarves.
'Of all of the times to go running off! Those two are going to get the shaking of a lifetime when I get back,' Bilbo thought angrily before he turned again and saw the massive trolls sitting around their campfire, 'if I get back…'
Feeling hopelessly out of options and hearing the frightened sounds of Myrtle and the other ponies being unceremoniously shoved into a pen, Bilbo pushed on as quietly as he could.
The hobbit was relieved to find that perhaps Gandalf was right in saying he had some hitherto undiscovered talents and that one of them just might be sneaking. Bilbo had reached the edge of the camp and was eyeing the pen the ponies were restlessly trotting around in.
There appeared to be several thick ropes wound tightly around wooden posts stuck deep into the ground. From what Bilbo could tell, there was no way he was going to get through that rope without the help of a knife or something distincly sharper than his hobbit teeth.
The trolls were thankfully busy arguing with each other. Bilbo thought he heard something about snot and squirrel droppings but deciding his poor stomach couldn't take anything more upsetting or stressful, the hobbit blocked out what the trolls were saying as best he could.
Bilbo crept along the ground now on all fours. The great shadows of the trolls provided him with some much-needed cover to hide in. As he slowly put one hand in front of the other, scanning the camp for something sharp, Bilbo felt his hand grip something that felt suspiciously like a bone.
Bilbo took several deep breaths to steady himself and squeezed his eyes shut, 'calm down you foolish Baggins, of course this isn't a bone!' The hobbit almost let out a hysterical laugh, 'nope, no, not here, these are trolls not orcs! Much more civilized! No unsavory people bits in these parts!'
Bilbo opened his eyes a fraction and raised his hand, 'and that is… Yes, that is a bone. A very large, human sized bone.'
The hobbit fought the urge to gag as he tossed the bone away as if it had burned him. It was in that moment that Bilbo Baggins realized that he was very much alone. Alone in a camp with three massive trolls and not even so much as a toothpick to defend himself.
Now shaking slightly with fear, Bilbo resumed his search for something sharp with an even greater urgency. That was when he spotted it: a large, curved, and crudely made knife sticking out of one of the trolls' belt.
The hobbit was so relieved to see something he could actually use; he forgot for a brief second that this knife was actually attached to a very hungry troll.
Scrambling to position himself behind the smallest of the three trolls, Bilbo made several grabs trying to reach part of the knife he could grasp without cutting himself. The troll sat up suddenly forcing Bilbo to fall back, his heart just about stopped in fear as for a brief second he thought he was surely caught.
The troll simply proceeded to scratch himself before settling back down on its rock. Bilbo clutched his heart in relief, blood rushing in his ears and blocking all noise. He took in a few short, shuddering breaths to try and calm himself once again.
'That is it Bilbo Baggins! Pull yourself together and get this done!' Bilbo thought as he scrunched his face determination. This was no place to let his faithful pony Myrtle meet her end and he would be damned if he let that happen while he could have done something to stop it!
Creeping back up behind the troll with renewed courage, the hobbit slowly stood to get a good grip on the knife in order to pull it loose. What he most certainly wasn't expecting was a loud sneeze and an even larger troll hand wrapped around his middle.
If the sudden yank and rather undignified yelp Bilbo let out wasn't horrible enough, the next few seconds being pressed against one of the most disgustingfaces the hobbit had ever seen and subsequently used as a – as a handkerchief, of all things, were possibly the most unpleasant he had ever experienced.
The sensation of wet, sticky troll snot being wiped all over his face and clothes would haunt Bilbo's dreams for many, many years to come.
What happened next, Bilbo wasn't quite sure. One second he was being used in one of the most unsavoryandnauseatingways he could conceive, the next he was being thrown to the ground.
The hobbit blinked a few times as he tried to sit up quickly. "Wha—Wha do yer think it is?" The smaller troll asked the others, its expression looking both shocked and frightened at the prospect that this thing had come out of its nose.
"I'm a— I'm a burglar—" Bilbo began before he quickly stopped realizing that announcing your intention to steal to three trolls was probably a tad bit unwise, "—hobbit," he finished rather lamely, cursing his inability to think quickly.
The three trolls looked at him rather stupidly, "A wha?" The middle one asked, looking to his fellows, "wha'sa burglahobbit? Neva heard of one of thems before…"
The troll that appeared to be in charge ignored his clearly less intellectually inclined partners, "I wonder if we can cook it, maybe there be more-a them 'round these parts for us to get a nice crunch."
The smaller troll looked between the leader and Bilbo hopefully, "Ohh, yes! Yes! Maybe if we gots enoughs of thems, we coulds be gettin' a good pie!"
The middle troll moved forward and stuck his face frighteningly close to the hobbit, "So, are there any more of ya's hiding in the trees, hm?"
Bilbo quickly scrambled backwards; trying to put some much desired distance between the rank stench emanating from the troll's mouth and his suffering nose. "Nope, no more, none of me! I'm the only – the only one around here—" Bilbo began nervously raising his hands in placation before he felt a troll hand grasp his middle again.
"He's lyin'," growled the middle troll. "Oh, oh put his toes over the fire!" cried the smallest one excitedly, "make 'im squeal!"
Bilbo was thrust over the incredibly large pot of… well whatever substance they thought was stew. The hobbit struggled for all he was worth, feeling the stifling heat of the fire more and more as the trolls argued amongst themselves.
Bilbo tried to kick and bite his way out of the large fist that held him, but it seemed to the hobbit that for all his efforts, he was little more than a tiny mouse already half swallowed by a ravenous cat.
Squeezing his eyes shut, desperately trying to think of something, anything that could help him, Bilbo thought he almost imagined the familiar voice shouting, "Put. Him. Down!"
The hobbit's eyes flew open and he was greeted with the sight of Kili, wonderful, brave, amazing Kili coming to his rescue and facing down three massive trolls all by himself!
'Wait,' Bilbo thought, 'by himself? Oh well this was just perfect. Why didn't the dwarf bring his fool brother along? And maybe one or two of the fighters at least. Kili was surely going to be killed!' Bilbo felt his panic grow exponentially.
The hobbit was about to yell at the dwarf to run before he was turned into a fine paste by one of the troll's monstrous feet, when the most welcome sight he had ever seen in his life came bursting through the brush.
Thorin ran in the camp with a fearsome yell and in that moment, the fire reflecting off of his eyes, Bilbo saw the warrior of legend that brought hundreds of orcs to their knees. Allowing hope to fill in his chest, Bilbo almost didn't even mind being thrown to the ground for the second time in ten minutes.
Except this time, instead of hitting hard soil, Bilbo collided with a very surprised Kili. With a large 'Oof' and a tangle of limbs, Bilbo and Kili collapsed to the floor as the rest of their company swarmed around them, making for the trolls with their weapons raised.
Feeling slightly dazed, Bilbo looked up to see Kili giving him a lopsided grin. The idiot had the nerveto smile at him at a time like this! "Are you alright Master Boggins? I told you we'd come for—"
Bilbo interrupted the dwarf with a swift and, to his immense pleasure, hard punch to Kili's shoulder. "You are the most foolhardy, thick-headed, clod I have ever had the terrible misfortune of meeting!" They looked at each other for a brief second before Bilbo continued to give Kili a fierce hug, "thank you for saving me!" The hobbit let out a strangled laugh filled with a mixture of relief and agitation.
Kili just continued to grin, "what're friends for, eh? We get each other into messes and we get each other out! Now hurry up and get to safety, we'll take care of the trolls." The dwarf pulled them both up and winked as he ran in to join his brother and uncle taking on the leader of the trolls.
Bilbo was caught between not wanting to leave his friends to face this mess by themselves and knowing he really couldn't do much to help. The hobbit was about to scramble back to cover when he heard the familiar whinnying of Myrtle. The ponies!
Bilbo made up his mind in a split second. He came here to make sure their ponies were freed and so free ponies they would have! Bilbo made his way around the edge of the fray hoping to stay out of the way of any combat.
That was until he saw something that made his heart sink. Dori, Nori, and Ori were battling the smallest troll on the edge of camp closest to the horses. Dori and Nori had been engaging the troll at its trunk-like legs, slashing and beating the limbs while dodging between their frantic movements. Ori, with his tiny slingshot, was pelting the creature's face from afar, pushing it into furious rage.
The troll took one giant sweep of its club and caught Dori and Nori as they attempted to dodge blow, but not quite making it out of the way in time. The two dwarves were thrown to the ground by the force, momentarily incapacitated. The troll took the opportunity to let out a fearsome shriek as it lurched towards a very frightened Ori.
The troll advanced, raising its club, as Ori tried to back away but caught his foot on a protruding branch causing him to fall backwards. Bilbo's eyes widened in horror as he heard Dori and Nori yell as the club started to fall towards their brother.
Bilbo, who was standing frozen in shock but unnoticed by the troll, took one look at Ori's face full of fear. The hobbit shot out as quick as he could, not taking a second to consider how poorly this could end for him, and launched himself towards the young dwarf.
As soon as he connected, the impact of his tackle forced them both just barely out of the way. The club shattered the ground where Ori had been laying mere moments ago.
The troll let out a furious shriek having been denied its prey, but was immediately distracted again by Dori and Nori having rejoined the battle.
Bilbo quickly looked down at Ori who seemed more than a little in shock, "Are you all right, Mister Ori?" the hobbit gave his companion a shake to the shoulders. "I… uh, I think so," the dwarf said in a quiet voice.
The hobbit let out a sigh of relief, releasing Ori as he stood up. "I need to go get the ponies. I think – I think you should go find somewhere safe for a bit. No sense heading back in quite yet," Bilbo looked down at Ori who simply nodded, still not having had processed what just happened.
Bilbo gave Ori's shoulder a comforting squeeze before spotting the troll knife on the ground mere feet from the makeshift pen the ponies were in. 'Finally some luck!' Bilbo made a quick dash to pick up the crude tool.
Handling the knife with two arms, Bilbo sawed through the rope in a short minute and the ponies, sensing their freedom, took off around him into the woods as soon as he was done cutting.
Finally ready to find somewhere safe and never leave that sport ever, Bilbo felt a troll hand grip him again. 'Really now,' he thought bitterly as the hand squeezed him, 'can't they just leave me on the ground for a moment?'
The action seemed to go from blindingly fast to a sickening halt as the hobbit felt each of his limbs being gruffly pulled away from his body.
"Drop yer weapons!" Shouted the lead troll, "or we'll snap 'im in two!" Bilbo glanced down to see the dwarves halt in their wild swinging.
Fili and Kili's faces were twin in horror as they saw their friend dangling at the mercy of the trolls.
"I said. Drop. Yer. Weapons," growled the troll once again but this time giving Bilbo a threatening yank to show he meant business. The hobbit couldn't help but wince and give a small yelp at the pain.
He looked down at the dwarves again and saw Thorin's eyes flicker as he clenched his teeth, but remain otherwise stoic. Bilbo was about to tell them to keep fighting when the dwarf prince stuck his blade into the ground with his eyes flashing, a seething anger laying just beneath their cold, blue surface.
Seeing their leader's example, the other dwarves dropped their weapons.
What happened next was like something from Bilbo's childhood storybooks. The one's that were almost too fantastic to be even remotely considered real. And yet, here he was, watching half the company being turned slowly on a spit over a raging fire, waiting to be cooked and eaten.
The other half, which included Bilbo, lay just nearby all stuffed rather ungracefully into burlap sacks and tossed upon one another. 'Well this,' Bilbo thought to himself, 'could not possibly get any worse.'
'Think, Bilbo, think! What would mother do in this situation?'
Belladonna Took was known for her quick wit and always being able to think on her toes, but at the moment the hobbit hadn't ever felt more slow and sluggish in his life.
Bilbo knew he couldn't just sit around and wait for something to dawn on him. 'Wait,' he thought slowly, 'what had Gandalf told him about trolls and sunlight?' Then it hit him like the fist of an angry orc, 'the dawn!' It was almost morning, Bilbo just had to buy time, he just had to distract the trolls long enough for the sun to rise.
Jumping up as quickly as he could and ignoring the look of incredulity on Thorin's face, Bilbo hopped his way over to the fire before calling out to the trolls, "I wouldn't—I wouldn't do that if I were you!"
The trolls stopped their bickering to look at him, shocked that their meal had the audacity to talk to them. "You can't reason with them, lad, they're halfwits!" Bilbo head Dori's muffled cry over the crackling fire. "Well, what's that make us then?" replied Bofur irritably, the dwarves all visibly starting to sweat.
The trolls continued to look at him expectantly. "You have to… uh, you have to season them properly," Bilbo laughed nervously, "have you smelt this lot? I wouldn't plate them with naught but their clothes and stench!"
The two smaller trolls seemed to be buying his farce, though the leader still looked unimpressed. Bilbo scrambled to continue, "That's, uh, well you see, there's a special technique to cooking dwarf!"
The largest troll crossed its massive arms and made a face Bilbo could only liken to a frown, "Well, wuh is it then? How does the burglahobbit think we should be cookin' dwarves?"
Bilbo looked around the camp for something to give him a hint as his mind went unhelpfully blank. "Well you see… the key to cooking any good dwarf is to… is to…" the hobbit floundered until his gaze rested on the knife he had used earlier, "the key is to skin them!"
The dwarves seemed to all raise a simultaneous shout of indignation, clearly not catching onto what Bilbo was trying to do. He heard Dwalin yell something about not forgetting this betrayal but Bilbo didn't have much time to acknowledge it as poor Bombur was hoisted up by the smallest troll.
"Well I've never 'ad any skinned dwarf before," sneered the troll as it dangled Bombur in front of its grotesque face, "grab me my skinnin' knife!"
Bilbo felt the now familiar sensation of panic squeeze at his gut and shouted without thinking, "I wouldn't eat that one if I were you!" The troll paused his swinging of Bombur for a brief spell to look at the hobbit with agitation, "'an why not?"
"Because… Because he's got…" Bilbo could feel how ludicrous this was going to sound as soon as he thought it but plunged on hoping dawn was fast approaching, "Because he's got worms in his… tubes."
"Wha – got worms in 'is where?" the troll looked at Bilbo stupidly before Bilbo continue hurriedly, "In fact, they all have them! They're infested with parasites!" Bilbo leaned forward, hushing his voice in mock conspiracy, "It's a terrible business. I wouldn't risk it, I really wouldn't."
"Did he say parasites?" Bilbo heard the gruff voice of Oin from somewhere in the dwarf pile behind him. "Yeah! We don't have parasites!" Kili's voice joined with Oin's in outrage, "you have parasites!"
Bilbo closed his eyes praying for patience, 'of all of the thickskulleddwarves…' Then Bilbo heard a grunt and briefly looked back in time to see Thorin giving Kili a swift kick to shut him up. At least one of the Durins had some scrap of sense.
There was a brief silence in which Bilbo pleaded with the night that the dwarves would catch on soon. "I've… I've got parasites as big as my arm!" He heard Oin shout before Kili joined in quickly, "Mine are the biggest parasites! I've got huge parasites!"
'Well' Bilbo thought exasperatedly, 'you couldn't fault Kili for his enthusiasm…'
His ruse appeared to work briefly as Bombur was tossed from the troll's grasp back onto the pile of dwarves, who all groaned in pain at the impact. The three troll's broke into another argument, when Bilbo thought he saw a flash of grey whip by on the hill next to them. Oh how he hoped that was Gandalf returning, they could use him now more than ever.
The trolls continued their bickering for another minute before the leader shouted in frustration "Enough! Don' think I don' know what yer doin'," it growled at Bilbo. Turning to his fellows he spoke with command, "let's keep cookin' I don' fancy meetin' daylight today."
Apparently his jig was up and the trolls weren't going to let him be a distraction anymore. Bilbo scrunched his eyes, wracking his brain for something useful he could use.
That was when a booming voice came out from behind them, "let the dawn take you!" Gandalf! The wizard had returned to them! Bilbo let out a relieved smile, hoping this business would be over sooner rather than later with a conjuror in their midst.
"Wha' is that?" grumbled one of the trolls as it strained its gaze to make out the wizard, "can we eat it?"
Gandalf raised his staff and brought it down upon the boulder, a resounding crack echoed through the clearing as the rock split into two, flooding everyone who stood in the camp with the early light of day.
The trolls let out horrible shrieks as their flesh turned to stone, faces contorted in pain, frozen in silent screams for the rest of time.
Bilbo felt a rush of relief flood through him and struggled to get out of his sack. After a minute of wriggling, the hobbit finally freed himself and made his way over to the pile of dwarves, assisting Kili in turning his brother around onto his back.
"Are you all unharmed?" Bilbo quickly checked over the dwarves who were still struggling with their bags and not assisting the number of their company who were being helped off the spit.
"We are fine." The rumble of Thorin's voice came from a few feet away as Bilbo looked away from examining a cut of Fili's face to meet their leader's eyes.
"No thanks to you, burglar," Bilbo frowned about to protest Thorin's caustic words before the dwarf continued, "next time we lose our ponies, don't listen to these two fools," Thorin gestured towards his nephews, "you come and find me, is that clear?" The hobbit continued to frown in indignation, but was cut off from making a remark, "is that clear?"
Thorin was clearly not leaving this issue up for debate, so Bilbo shot him a stiff nod before turning back to Fili's cut. Thorin stood there for a moment longer, not moving a muscle, before letting out a great huff and stalking away to help his comrades.
Fili let out a laugh before exchanging a knowing look with his brother, "Don't worry Master Baggins, he's just showing he cares is all." Kili grinned at the hobbit, "I think you did rather finely today! Excluding you getting caught by those trolls about half a dozen times, of course."
Bilbo shot Kili a scathing look, "that is a gross exaggeration. It was only three times, thank you very much."
Fili and Kili laughed as they clapped him on a shoulder each. "Lets get cleaned up. You smell rather a lot like troll, Master Baggins, no offense meant of course" Fili smiled as he and his brother pushed Bilbo out of the clearing to a nearby stream.
As Bilbo scrubbed the troll snot out of his jacket, he let the rush and excitement of the battle finally wash over him. While nothing could replace quiet evenings after a good meal tucked up with an even better book, Bilbo could maybe, just maybe, see a small, tiny, infinitesimal appeal to this whole adventuring business.