MAGNETIC ATTRACTION
Part Twenty-Seven
Rogue sighed as she sat watching Kitty Pryde opening her presents, the girl seemingly completely oblivious to problems.
There was a strange envy in Rogue that Kitty Pryde didn't have nearly as many problems as she herself had. Kitty only had to worry about what to wear on a date, whether it was time to go all the way with Lance Alvers, or how to ace the next big test at school.
She doesn't have to worry about never being normal enough to have a family, or a relationship. She doesn't have to worry about being stuck in the same situation of always fallin' for the guys who she can't ever have!
Perhaps her resentment that Kitty seemed to have things so easy right now was why Rogue found it so difficult to spend time with the girl, not that they had ever been best friends before. She'd given her the gift she'd chosen her (a pair of cubic zirconia earrings) and said happy birthday, it had been the only effort she'd made at the party to really interact...not that Kitty was finding much time to spend with any one person with all the people at the party.
Perhaps Ah should make more effort, Rogue wondered, watching as Kitty laughed at something Piotr Rasputin was trying to say. Rogue got the distinct impression from the blank stare before Kitty laughed that it had been lost in translation. She noted the vague look of irritation in Lance's expression that Kitty seemed to be enjoying the larger boy's company while he was standing on the sidelines practically invisible.
Ah know that feelin' so well, thought 's heart sank as she looked across the room at Scott Summers who in a deep discussion with Jean about something. Even at parties they barely seemed to leave each other's sides. As she gazed at Scott, she felt that dull ache of longing. She'd just barely gotten over him, but it still hurt somehow to know she'd never know for herself what it was like to be with him.
Now Ah have to face the same with Remy LeBeau. Why do Ah always have to fall for guys who want to be with other girls?
"You all right?"
Rogue turned to look at Kurt, he took a seat beside her on the stairs in the foyer, where the party was being held, and he was wearing a ridiculous party hat that was bright pink with silver glitter stripes and tassels.
"Ah'm fine."
"You look...sad."
"Do Ah?" She asked, she feigned confusion and straightened up a little, "Maybe it's just that Ah'm tired. Ah didn't sleep well last night."
"Why has it taken so long for you to come visit?" Kurt asked, looking almost hurt.
"So much stuff to do, Ah guess. Finding time is an issue, you know?"
"But you found time to go to the horror movie convention with Gambit..." Kurt spoke up, his expression still hurt, even more so now.
Rogue felt her cheeks grow hot a little. She supposed Kitty had gossiped about her going with Remy LeBeau. "Well...Ah'm...here now."
Kurt sighed, "I didn't think you'd ever even come back. Like you wanted to forget all about us."
"No..." she shook her head, "of course Ah don't want to forget..."
"Then why leave...and stay away? You don't even call us...not even to say hello...not even to say how you are, or ask how we are."
"It's just the way things have to be...Ah can't explain it any better," Rogue tried.
"But-" Kurt tried desperately.
"Look, this is also why Ah didn't wanna come here so soon...it's hard to have to listen to these questions over and over and then have to repeat myself again," Rogue said frustratedly. "Ah've given as much reason as Ah can right now..."
"I'm sorry..." Kurt seemed genuinely upset.
Rogue realised she should have just left the conversation there, but now that she'd been picked at for what felt like too many times now, she couldn't leave it alone. "You know...Tabitha doesn't get asked these questions," she pointed out, "No one here is askin' her why she hasn't come back to the institute...why can't everyone just leave me alone too?"
"If that's...what you want..." Kurt got up slowly, looking quite dejected.
Rogue stopped him, "No wait... Ah'm sorry, Ah didn't mean it like that."
Kurt shook his head, "you wanted to be alone, so I'm leaving."
"Kurt, come on, you know Ah didn't mean it like that," she tried, but he didn't respond. She felt guilt gnaw at her as Kurt left her sitting there on the stairs on her own, he disappeared amongst the many other guests, some mutant, some not. Great goin', she thought bitterly at herself in disgust.
"What was that about?"
Rogue heard Logan's heavy footsteps as he was coming down the stairs long before she even heard his voice. She sighed, "Ah hurt his feelin's, Ah guess."
"He misses you, you know," Logan stopped at the bottom and stared down at her. "You're the closest thing he has to his real family here."
She stared down at the floor miserably, "Ah know."
"You should start coming clean with people about why you left."
"Why should Ah?" she demanded impatiently.
"So that they can at least see it from your point of view. Maybe if they knew at least they would understand..."
"They'll never understand."
"You shouldn't underestimate them, kid. They're your friends, they'd get it."
"Look...even if they did, they'd still try to talk me out of it...like you did."
"So you're never going to tell them?"
"Ah'll tell them when it's worked."
"Fair enough," he folded his arms, seeming to disbelieve this somehow. Whether it was that she would tell them or whether it was that he believed the evolution procedure would work, Rogue was unsure. She didn't push the subject, she was eager that it be changed already. "But I heard what he said you know, and he's right. You're alienating yourself."
"Ah'm not alienatin' myself," she said quickly, although after she'd said it she had to wonder if this was exactly what she'd done. She wondered partly if she'd been doing it since the moment she joined the X-Men, and now joining the Acolytes had probably only made it much easier.
"Can we talk about something else?" she asked hopefully, not wanting to really think about these things right at the moment with so many other things already on her mind.
"If that's what you want," Logan offered, "how about this? I saw lover boy last night, you know."
"Huh?" Rogue raised her eyes to her former mentor. Who's lover boy? What is he talkin' about?
"Gambit, at the bar down town."
"Oh..." she chewed the inside of her cheek.
"He was getting completely wasted. I put him in a cab and sent him home. Whether he got there or not..." Logan shrugged.
"He did...he got home. He's hungover, far as Ah can tell." Why did he just call him lover boy? Does he know somethin'? Rogue wondered, wondering if Jean had perhaps caught something in her head and perhaps had told Logan. Or perhaps the Professor? She'd always been told she was hard to read, but she was starting to wonder...
"I don't doubt he's hungover. He was wasted, could barely walk," Logan leaned on the newel post casually as he looked around the room, studying the people at the party.
"Ah know."
"Did Magneto go off at him?" Logan queried curiously.
"Magneto doesn't know, as far as Ah can tell. He came up the back way and Ah dragged him in. Ah put him to bed and made sure no one saw him in that condition. Whatever happened after that...Ah have no idea."
"I hardly know the guy, but I'm pretty positive he ain't playin' with a full deck of cards right now," Logan said after a moment, looking thoughtful.
"Tell me about it," Rogue made a face.
"He say or do somethin'?" Logan asked, looking at her suspiciously. Something about the way she'd responded seemed to tell Logan that there was more going on than she was admitting to.
"Nothin' out of the ordinary for him," Rogue answered, she rubbed the back of her neck absently. She really needed to get away from this conversation. It was too much to deal with and was bringing too much to mind. She felt hot, flustered and uneasy. She'd hoped coming home to visit would help ease the stress she'd been feeling about it, not remind her about it all.
"Rogue?" Logan asked.
"Ah really need some air," she stood up, and without another word to him, she left through the back door leading to the gardens.
She thought it odd how much everything looked somehow different. The gardens seemed almost bigger, different to how she remembered. Even inside the mansion had been different somehow, like a different world. Nothing had changed, the walls were still the same colour, the floors were still the same hardwood floors and expensive carpets, and the people were still as they had been. It'd barely been two or three weeks.
Yet everyone felt like a stranger now, and every thing at the institute felt no longer like home, like a stranger's home. Those few weeks may as well have been a year, or ten. Time had dragged a massive barrier between her and the place she'd once called home.
God, Remy was right. Ah should have come back sooner...nothin' feels the same.
"Why'd you just run out like that?" came the voice of Logan at her back as he came through the door from the kitchen.
Rogue turned to look at him, "Ah told you, Ah just needed some air..."
"Plenty of air inside, too. Air conditioning and everything," Logan folded his arms casually and leaned against the wall.
Rogue shrugged, "just a little hectic in there with all the party stuff goin' on. Ah've never been good in crowds," she reminded.
"How's your wound, anyway?" Logan queried.
"It's healed almost. The scars aren't too pretty though. The stitches still need to come out."
"Hank can do that for you, you know," Logan reminded.
"Yeah, Ah know. But Ah'm probably better gettin' Magneto to do it. He's the one that put them in, so..."
"If that's what you want," Logan pushed himself from the wall and reached out his hand to her, "here. Might as well get rid of the scars while you're here."
She looked down at his hand, feeling that lately she'd used her powers far too much.
"What's wrong?" Logan asked.
"Ah just...Ah don't know, Ah wish there was another way."
"There isn't. You realise that being without your powers might have killed you the other night. I hate being that 'what if' guy, Rogue, but...what if you'd already gone through with the evolution and ended up without your powers? You'd have died that night."
"Ah won't be without my powers. Just...in control of them."
"If you say so," Logan wiggled his fingers, "come on, don't have all day."
Rogue peeled her glove off and grazed her bare fingers against his, trying to make the contact as brief as possible. The disjointed fractured images of his memories came to her, and she winced, trying to push back the feeling of rage that always came with his touch.
There was something else there too. It was too fractured to make out clearly but it concerned Remy, a tiny half-second of a flash of him sitting at a table in what she knew so well to be the Bayville Bean Box coffee shop. It was gone too quickly for her to decipher properly, just an image, no words, no sounds, just the picture of him there.
Waves of emotion swallowed her momentarily, and a feeling that she hadn't felt when he'd touched her previously to help her heal from the wounds. His sense of utter abandonment that she'd left. He felt hurt, as if he'd failed her. She immediately felt guilty that she'd felt like the X-Men had failed her for never finding her solution. She'd never assumed that any of them – especially not Logan – would feel that they had failed her.
He staggered a little, the weakness overcoming him quickly. Her powers had been stronger following her recovery. He put his hand on the wall to steady himself and took a deep breath.
"You okay?" she asked concernedly, she pulled her glove on quickly and reached out to him. She saw his colour was slightly paler, and his eyes heavy as if he were quite tired.
"I'm fine..." he put his hand up, "just give me a minute...I'll recover fast..." he reminded.
"Ah'm sorry..." she chewed her lip.
"The wound?" he asked.
She raised her top a little to check, and there were only the stitches left over perfectly healed white skin. If the stitches had not been there, she'd have never been able to tell there'd been a scar there at all. She ran her gloved fingers along the stitches, "it's healed completely."
"Good..." he straightened up, already his colour starting to look better.
Rogue wondered if he realised his thoughts and feelings about her leaving had slipped into her as she'd absorbed his powers. She'd never realised until this very moment just how much she'd missed him. Feeling strangely emotional, she rushed up to him and threw her arms around him, pressing her cheek against his shoulder. He gave a little grunt, confused by the act, but placed his hand awkwardly on her back.
"What's that for?" he asked.
She gave an unhappy laugh, "just because Ah miss you."
He touched her hair and sighed softly to her, "I miss you too, kid."
Remy gazed over the yard as he lit a cigarette, wondering if it was perhaps time he convinced the team to participate in a clean up of it so that it looked more presentable. Not that it really needed to be, as all it served as was a parking area for those who had vehicles.
The sky had long since grown dark, and Remy found himself wondering how the surprise birthday party for Kitty Pryde was going. He hadn't really wanted to go, but oddly wished he had gone just to participate in something outside of the warehouse.
Wanda would have probably come too though, and I don't want to deal with that right now. She'd make it far too public now that everyone here knows.
Remy wondered when she intended to tell her father, and how exactly Magneto was going to take it. He couldn't imagine him taking it very well. He stared up at the sky, the rain had cleared up and the clouds were leaving. The moon was clear tonight, and he could even see a few stars.
Maybe you should just give this whole relationship a real chance, he told himself. He supposed Wanda was at least someone who seemed to care about him somewhat. If it could be called caring. He wasn't utterly convinced she cared but at least it was something. Everyone's always wanted you for a reason before...for your skills...for your usefulness, the girls always wanted you for what you could offer...but you've never really been wanted in that way. But...maybe Wanda does really want you.
But she's not the one you want, is she? Remy thought dully as he blew smoke rings into the air and watched them disappear off into the wind. If it wasn't Wanda he wanted, he tried to sum up who it was. He'd been growing quite fond of Rogue, certainly, but he wasn't convinced that it could be love. Could it be love-love, or just...friendship love? Like the way you love a family member or...
He stopped himself, he supposed he had very little to compared to, as he'd never really had a loving family to compare with.
Whether it could be love, or just an odd ill-fated crush, he was uncertain, but there were feelings there. He'd grown closer to Rogue than he had any girl he'd ever known. He'd never liked the company of any girl as much as he liked the company of Rogue.
But you blew it, because you weren't honest with her. Besides, even if you weren't in a relationship now...what the hell difference would it make? She said it herself, what kind of relationship could anyone have with her?
He hated himself for thinking of it so selfishly. There were little things he'd shared with her, just holding her hand, touching her hair, that had seemed far more intimate than being inside of any woman. But could he live with just that?
You asked yourself this question before, he reminded. You didn't have the best answer then for yourself either. Just go with Wanda, try to make the best of it. Do what you do best, go along with it until it burns out or wears thin. She'll dump you, because when it comes right down to it, there's very little substance here to love anyway, and the sooner she realises it, the better.
He heard the engine of a car growing nearer, and with a defeated sigh, he realised that the party-goers were about to return. He stood and smoked his cigarette slowly, not sure if he was drawing it out just to see them, or if he truly just wasn't in the mood to go inside yet. He was indecisive tonight, he hated feeling that way.
Lance parked the car in the same spot he always left it, and the four Acolytes all climbed out, Tabitha dancing her way across the yard talking about the party, Piotr listening but saying very little, and Lance discussing something with Rogue that sounded to Remy as if it were to do with her car.
As they approached the door, Remy moved aside to let them past, "How was the party?" he asked casually, not really caring if it was good or not.
"Pretty good," Lance shrugged, "Was fairly busy though, hardly saw Kitty tonight at all," he responded before he went inside.
Remy took the last drag of his cigarette and tossed it to the ground to stomp it out; he could see Rogue watching him; her expression was strangely distant.
"You missed a hell of a party," Tabitha said with a smirk at Remy as she went to pass by, she ran her hand against her arm as she walked by him, he turned to see her wink at him just before she left to go to her room.
Piotr gave a glance down at Remy as he went to pass by, "are you okay?" he asked in a low quiet voice.
"I'm fine," Remy responded, pretending to not know why Piotr should think anything was wrong. Am I much easier to read now than I used to be?
Piotr went inside, but Rogue was walking slowly, in her hands was a Tupperware box.
"Kitty sent some cake," she said as she approached, "since a few of you didn't make it."
"That was nice of her," Remy admitted, staring down at her and thinking it was strange how pale her eyes were as they reflected the light above the door.
"Yeah..." she handed him the box, and then stepped inside. He followed at her heels.
"Rogue?"
"Ah'm goin' to study, Remy," she paused and turned to look at him. "Ah've got a lot of homework to get through, Ah don't have a whole lot time right now."
"Oh," he said. He clutched the box of cake
"Besides...Ah'm sure you have better things to do..." she looked away from him, her expression strangely sad.
He stood staring at her, feeling guilt eat at him. "Just because I'm with someone doesn't mean that we can't hang out or-"
"Yes...yes it does," Rogue said quickly, she frowned. "You picked her, and...that's pretty much it. You chose her...you can't have your cake and eat it too..."
Remy's eyes fell to the box in his hands, he tore the lid off, grabbed a thin slice and took a large bite, "can't I?" he asked pointedly with a mouthful of icing and chiffon cake. He forced more into his mouth, "can't I?" he asked again.
"This isn't a joke," she moved to the spiral staircase leading up to the third floor catwalk, she gave a sigh.
"I'm not fucking joking," he said in a muffled mouth full of cake, he followed her to the steps, but stopped at the bottom as she began up.
"Remy, enough, okay?" she turned again, her expression full of hurt. "It might not matter to you, but...it's gonna matter to her. Ah've already been on the end of one of her tantrums, and it wasn't fun. Ah had a pipe through my fucking ribs and it nearly killed me."
"I never wanted you to get hurt..." Remy tried, he took the first step but she threw him a look that made him take the step back down again.
"Don't you think Ah know that?" she demanded. "But it doesn't matter. You can't be with her and be friends with me, Remy. She's not gonna allow it. Ah saw how she looked at me...like Ah was...encroachin' on her territory or something. Like you were her property and Ah was tryin' to take it..."
He looked up at her, he could barely even continue chewing on the cake so he swallowed hard, and tried to ignore that he nearly choked on it. He couldn't deny Rogue was spot on. She saw the jealousy too.
"Ah like you Remy..." Rogue confessed, "it was fun bein' your friend...it made it easier bein' here, but..." she shook her head, "it's not worth it."
His heart sank to hear these words, and the rejection made him feel horribly humiliated. He'd never been used to this kind of rejection, especially not from women.
"It's not worth me riskin' my life again, Remy, just so you can have everythin'."
"It's not like that-"
"Yes it is," she hissed, her expression dark. "You want everythin'. You want to have everythin' your own way and have no consequences. But there are always consequences with you. So Ah'm done. Ah'm sorry."
"But-" he tried desperately. His thoughts screamed at him. Don't let her walk away from you. Don't let her just go without telling her you think you have feelings for her.
But that wasn't good enough. He couldn't just tell her he thought he had feelings for her. If he was to say something like that, he would need to be absolutely positive he felt that way. It had to be all or nothing.
"Good night, Remy," Rogue sighed softly, and headed up the stairs, her back turned to him.
He watched her leave him, feeling miserable and horribly alone. He closed the lid on the Tupperware box properly and ditched it in the kitchen. Without even having thought about it, he somehow found himself heading towards Wanda's room, slipping in quietly before anyone could see him and locking the door behind himself.
Wanda was stretched out on her bed on her side, watching a DVD, her expression focused, her eyes raised to his, curious to see what it was he wanted. Without a word, he kicked his sneakers off, and moved to lie beside her on the bed.
Confused, she turned slightly to look over her shoulder at him as he slid his arm around her and lay his head against the pillow next to hers. He pulled her close to him and breathed in the smell of her hair.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
He had no answer, in his misery all he could do was lie there next to her, and try to pretend that he felt as close to her as he felt to Rogue. Lying there with Wanda felt nothing like it had with Rogue. She felt like a stranger beneath his arm.
She turned around awkwardly and leaned forward to kiss him; he accepted the kiss, glad of any kind of intimacy at this moment after feeling so horribly rejected by the girl he was beginning to suspect he may be falling in love with. He had the feeling that judging by how badly he was feeling following the discussion with Rogue, that it had to be more than just falling in love.
Wanda's kiss deepened, and she reached for his crotch but he caught her hand just in time to prevent her from touching him. He brought her hand up to his shoulder and held it there, breaking the kiss to take a breath.
"Not tonight..." he said softly, looking her in the eyes and trying to find one ounce of emotion in them.
"Then why are you here?" she raised an eyebrow.
"Just...needed some nearness, you know?" he asked.
"But-" she began, her expression showing just how absolutely perplexed she was with this concept. Remy had to wonder if any man had ever tried to get close to her in other ways than just sexually. She wasn't very familiar with the attempt he was making so far.
"Wanda...can't we try this? Just...doing other stuff? More just makin' out and bein' tender and just hanging out. I thought you wanted a relationship, not just a fuck buddy."
"I do want a relationship," she said frustratedly.
"And you do want to be with me?" he asked, he hated that he sounded almost hopeful about it. Perhaps if you get good enough at this lying about it, you can even convince yourself.
"Yes," she said, frowning.
"Well...then lets lay off the sex..." he suggested. "For now."
"You know, ever since Rogue came here...you're different."
"Wanda, come on..." he rolled his eyes.
"No, it's true. You've been completely holding out..." she sat up, looking annoyed. "Like you just lost complete interest in sex altogether."
"Not true. We've had sex plenty since." I've not lost interest in sex altogether. I've just lost interest in sex with you altogether, he thought miserably.
"Used to be two or three times a day. Not anymore. Barely once or twice a week right now! It's like you're wastin' all the energy you used to have for sex with her."
"If you were actually doin' things around here and participatin', you'd know why I'm too tired for sex. It's nothin' to do with Rogue. I'm burned out, that's all."
She looked doubtful.
"Come here..." he pulled her back down and kissed her once again, hating himself, hating that he felt absolutely nothing. Not when Wanda's hands caressed his hair clumsily as she tried to show a more tender attitude towards him, not when her lips and tongue gently teased his. The whole thing felt awkward and strange and unpleasant.
He felt almost disappointed that even his body wasn't responding in the way it usually would. It just wasn't turning him on the way this kind of activity usually would have. That couldn't have been a good sign. Perhaps it was just that her attempts at being gentle and loving were so completely misguided and horribly awkward that it was distracting. He was unsure.
He rolled her over, pinned her down and spent some time on her neck, listening to her sighs and moans of appreciation as he gently kissed, licked, sucked and bit at her warm flesh. Perhaps once she starts picking up a few tricks and gets more comfortable with this aspect of the relationship, maybe it'll work? Maybe I'll like this, maybe we can just pretend like it's possible that we could have anything else other than just good sex.
Even the thought of their relationship working made him horribly depressed. He didn't want it to work, and hated that he was even attempting to try and make it work. He felt like pet hamster that had given up trying to escape through the bars, and finally just condemned itself to go run on the wheel and accept this was all there was to be of life.
Maybe you should just take off. Leave altogether. Never come back to this godforsaken place ever again. God knows, it's never brought you a day's happiness since you came here.
Happiness...such a hard commodity to come by for those who'd had very little experience of it. If he'd ever felt anything close to it, it'd been on Saturday at the horror movie convention with Rogue. It'd been a good day, a happy day, even if it had ended in disaster.
Wanda ruined your happy day, Remy thought miserably as he left her neck to peck her lips softly, then move to lie back down beside her, pulling her close to him. She's sucking the joy right out of your life.
"That was it?" she asked, sounding almost disappointed.
"Tired," he sighed, "I need to sleep."
"So go to your own room," she responded, glancing towards the television.
"Don't you want me here?" he asked, sitting up slowly to look down at her.
"Not if you're going to hold out," Wanda answered coolly as she stretched a little.
"Okay then..." he said, feeling the sting of the second rejection for the night. Shaking his head more at himself than Wanda, he left her room without even bothering to utter good night to her. He left to go to his own basement room, that dank, miserable little damp square barely large enough for his bed and dresser. He thought of his uncomfortable bed, the cold of the room and the feeling of breathlessness when he woke up after a night of sleeping in the damp.
Fits. That room as just as miserable as you are, he thought at himself. Unhappily, he threw a glance towards the third floor catwalk, he could just see the top half of Rogue's door over the rail, and the light showing through the cracks. He wanted to go to her, tell her he wanted to leave here, ask her if maybe she would go with him.
We could go anywhere we wanted to...Europe maybe...Paris? We could do a tour...go wherever the mood takes us. Live out of a backpack, no cares or worries draggin' us down.
He sighed deeply. She'd never go. Not while she has no control over her powers. She's focused on getting what she wants...and I can't blame her.
End of Part Twenty-Seven
It feels like an update-y weekend. Would have come sooner if so many obligations hadn't arisen. I'm looking forward to getting the next few parts up within a few days. Will warn now, there will most definitely be triggers so anyone sensitive should probably beware next chapters (I will make note to put warning at the top though). Hope you're all having a fantastic weekend. Thanks as always for the reviews :)