MAGNETIC ATTRACTION
Part Twenty-Nine
** Authors Note ** As with the previous chapter I would like to mention that this will probably contain trigger warnings for those who may be sensitive to the subject of rape. Hopefully no one will feel offended or upset.
Wednesday was the worst day at college Rogue had ever had. Each class was harder than the last, and each professor had been particularly ruthless. She'd made a fool of herself at lunch by accidentally spilling her soup over the wall when tripping up, and her final drama class was made hellish by a lot of experimentation with the lead of Romeo to determine which angles would best be used to seem as if Romeo and Juliet were locked in a passionate kiss.
Her professor seemed none the happier with any attempt at making the act look real enough and Rogue had been so close to losing her temper and telling him to just cast someone else. Somehow she held her temper and made it through the two hours without any incidents.
She drove to the Bayville Bean Box to study again, not wanting to go home. It would be hard to avoid Remy, but now she had Magneto to avoid too. She felt utterly horrified about what she'd tried to initiate.
Why the hell did Ah just throw myself like that at him? What if he hadn't been strong enough to turn me away? What if he'd just...done it? Just let me do what Ah wanted? How far would it have gone?
She shuddered to think of what might have happened. It was strange that she found this magnetic attraction to the man getting stronger, and although the thought of being with him repulsed her, it also intrigued her a little too. As glad as she was it hadn't happened, she was still slightly disappointed that it hadn't happened, that she was still left with the unknowing.
If he is the only chance you ever have of bein' with anyone...there may be no other choice if Ah want to know for sure how it feels.
She glanced through the window and across to the pizza shop where she and Remy had went the night they'd met not long after her joining the team. The discussion about sex...it'd been so...candid.
He'd been with Wanda that night before we met in the park, Rogue realised, she watched a happy couple holding hands at their window table, laughing with each other, sharing pizza. They couldn't have been any older than she was. Only they had no barriers between them, they kissed, they laughed, the girl smiled blissfully when her boyfriend playfully kissed her neck.
Ah'll never know how that feels, Rogue thought miserably as she stared back down to her getting through the chapters of her books she needed to get through, she finished her coffee, then made her way to her car. Winter was truly coming to Bayville, and there was a bitter nip in the air as Rogue walked towards her car, a group of trick or treaters nearly knocked her over in their races with each other. She'd forgotten it was Halloween, even with the decorations all over the college. She'd always loved Halloween, but today it seemed hardly worth noticing.
Ah'm not a kid any more, she realised with an empty sense of unhappiness.
Autumn leaves danced around the street, swirling in spirals in the wind, and battering her in the face until she got to her vehicle. Shivering from the cold, she got into the car, tossed her bag into the back and turned the ignition. Nothing happened at all. Just a click, not even the sputter of the engine.
What the fuck? This was just fixed, it's supposed to work, she thought in dismay as she got back out and walked to the front of the car to examine it. She had almost realised she'd forgotten to pop the hood until she saw that the hood had been pried open, and there were dents and delves where something similar to a crowbar might have gotten it open. With a horrible sense of dread she raised the hood and found what she had expected.
The engine was gone. It looked like more pieces might have been missing but she didn't know enough about cars to be sure exactly what.
Who the fuck in Bayville steals an engine? She thought unhappily as slammed the hood down angrily. She ran her fingers through her hair frustratedly holding back her tears. The second time in a week she had been left stranded with a useless car. This only left her with the deepest urge to kick Remy LeBeau squarely in the testicles for buying her the thing in the first place.
Great! What the hell do Ah do now?! She wondered. She got back into the car and pulled her bag from the back to search for her phone. But who to call? She wasn't talking to Remy right now, not after all that had happened.
Ah'd probably just end up screamin' at him anyway, Rogue thought as she considered the other contacts. She definitely couldn't call Magneto. The only two men she'd thought she could rely on once were now under Wanda's influence, and they couldn't do anything without her say so, or without her carrying on like a spoiled brat.
She glanced at the other numbers in her phone, trying to decide who to depend upon. She didn't want to call her X-Men friends, it was still too soon to go back to depending on them, and she didn't a number for Piotr as she was almost convinced the boy didn't even have a phone. She had no number for Tabitha, and although she did have a number for Pietro, she was positive he would make very little effort to help her.
Lance. Ah can call Lance. He's been less of a dick than he used to be, and he'd be probably willin' to get brownie points with Kitty by playin' the hero to one of her friends, Rogue thought as she found his name on her phone's contact list and dialled it. It rang for several minutes.
"Come on..." she begged of the phone. "Pick up...pick up."
Finally, an answer, "yeah?"
Rogue sighed relief, "Lance...it's Rogue. Uhm...I need a ride."
"Are you fuckin' kiddin' me? I spent the last few days fixin' that piece of shit car and it's already broken down?" Lance demanded in dismay. Rogue could hear the sound of sawing going on in the background, and a moment later, a thump of wood as it landed on the concrete.
"Not exactly," Rogue let her head rest against the backrest, "someone stole my engine."
"Seriously? That's messed up. Who the fuck steals an engine in Bayville?" Lance uttered.
"Don't think Ah didn't ask that," Rogue sighed, "anyway, Ah'm stranded here in town...Can you come get me?"
"Uh...well...I kinda have somewhere to be in like half an hour so..." Lance sounded somewhat regretful.
"So Ah shouldn't hold my breath?" Rogue asked. Great. Ah'm gonna be stuck in a car all night while he goes to some Halloween party with Kitty, she thought unhappily. "Forget it, thanks for nothing," Rogue sighed and she hung up the phone, uttering the word "asshole," under her breath afterwards.
What were the solutions to her dilemma now, she pondered. She could always sleep in her car tonight, and then at least she'd make it to school tomorrow. It was freezing of course, and she had no engine so she had no heat. But at least it was out of the rain, and there was a comfortable looking enough back seat that she could probably curl up on and use her jacket as a blanket. Her eyes caught a cop on a street beat, and she realised this wasn't going to be possible.
Cops will find me and end up harassin' me, Rogue realised. She didn't quite like the thought of them trying to find out where she lived or why she was sleeping in her car, and she couldn't risk having cops drive her back to the warehouse, ending up in them discovering where Magneto, a known mutant terrorist, was hiding out with a few other known mutant terrorists. Ah can't do that, Ah'd definitely put myself in hot water, he'd probably break our deal then Ah'd never get the help Ah need, Rogue realised.
What else? Is there a homeless shelter nearby, she pondered. No, Ah'm not gonna go to one of those places. Those places are for people who actually are homeless, not for someone who just got stranded for the night.
She supposed she could always go walk around and find a motel. There were a few in the general vicinity, but she wasn't sure if she could actually afford to rent a room. Hoping for the best, Rogue took out her wallet and searched through the folds. She had kept a twenty for emergencies, and she teamed it up with the twenty she'd been keeping in the glove compartment as emergency gas money. In the back slot of her wallet was the ten dollar bill she'd been keeping aside for tomorrow's lunch, she supposed she would need to use that if she expected to have somewhere to sleep tonight.
Fifty might be enough, she realised. Slipping the fifty dollars back into the wallet, she began the slightly long walk to the nearest motel which was known as the Bayville Best. From the outside, it wasn't the nicest of places let alone anywhere near the best. She'd never taken too long to look at it before, but now looking at it from the outside, her heart just sank. An L-shaped building of two storeys, stairs leading up to a balcony to the second floor. The place was painted a horrible salmon pink which looked quite out of place with the rest of the quaint little town of Bayville. An outdated sign – possibly as old as sixty years – stood showing that there were vacancies and that the place had 'color television'. That after thought alone told her all she needed to know about the place.
It's this, or walk home. Or Ah could suck it up and call one of the X-Men...and that's not gonna happen, she thought miserably.
With a slight sigh of trepidation, she made her way into the main office on the ground floor at the end of the building, and checked herself in to a room, glad to find that the room was forty bucks, but she needed to pay a ten dollar deposit in case anything went missing.
Yeah, because outdated curtains from the sixties and crusty old unwashed sheets covered with dirty old men's spunk is really what I want to take home as souvenirs, she thought with disgust as she made the way to her newly rented room on the second floor.
The room was basic. The walls were painted a dingy grey, the bed looked to be easily thirty years old, and the blankets perhaps older but at least they looked vaguely clean as far as she could tell. The curtains were floral, and didn't match anything in the room and the furniture was mismatched, scratched and damaged, the leg of an end table was being propped up by a copy of a Harry Potter book.
Least it comes with it's own reading material, she tried to cheer herself up as she went to check the rest of the room out. The bathroom looked clean enough, although one of the hand towels seemed strangely questionable and looked a little damp. She made a mental note to not use it just in case.
With a sigh, she grabbed the remote for the television and tried to switch it on, only to find that the thing was attached to a meter that charged fifty cents for ten minutes of viewing. With disgust, she tossed the remote to the mattress and slumped down onto the chair by the window, rubbing her head.
Terrific, she thought bitterly. When you pay fifty dollars for a room you expect at least to have full access to the television. Ah wonder if the shower also costs money to use?
She tried studying a little more for her English class since there was very little else to do and she wasn't sure she was ready to sleep on someone else's sheets just yet.
Ah could always sleep in the chair, she thought to herself as she ran her gloved hand across the green vinyl. It's always an option.
She flicked through the pages of her books, trying to absorb the subjects, but found it very difficult. She felt uncomfortable in the room, it was an unfamiliar and lonely place, and far too quiet for her liking. She decided against listening to her MP3 player or using her phone any further, having neglected to bring the charging adapter for either. She wasn't sure she wanted to be without either tomorrow.
For a little while, she stared out of the window, watching as trick or treaters passed by on their way to the apartment buildings nearby. She opened the window to get some air, and heard the distant laughter from the kids, it making her yearn for the innocence of childhood again, when life hadn't been complicated, and she hadn't felt so much misery over the things she'd never have.
Her phone, which she'd left on the windowsill, began ringing and vibrating, the thing nearly shook itself right off the edge and she caught it just before it clattered to the bad carpet.
Remy's name showed up on the display. She sighed, and thought about avoiding the call. But what if it was important? What if there was finally some kind of mission they had to go to? She sighed, pushed the answer button and raised the phone to her ear.
"Hello," she stated, trying to keep from sounding upset with him. She'd been hoping to avoid having to talk to him for at least a week, but it looked like that was going to be an impossibility.
"Rogue, where are you?" came Remy LeBeau's rather hasty demand.
"Huh?"
"Lance told me your car broke down and that you hung up on him...you didn't tell him where you were!"
"He didn't ask me," Rogue shot quickly.
"I've been riding all over the town looking for you. I found your car outside the deli, but you're nowhere to be seen."
Rogue gazed out of the window, "Ah'm at the Bayville Best Motel on Acorn street."
"Stay there."
Rogue listened as the phone beeped, indicating he'd cut her off. She stared at the phone and made a face, "as if Ah was gonna go anywhere?"
She moved out onto the communal balcony and waited, feeling the anxiousness stemming from knowing that he was coming to see her. There was something that felt almost clandestine about waiting there for him, almost as if they'd agreed to meet in secret, even though it wasn't the case. She wasn't sure she really even wanted to see him right now. But she supposed there was little choice in the matter.
Rogue heard the sound of the Harley Davidson arriving before she saw the bike pulling into the parking lot out front. She watched as Remy climbed off of his bike, took his helmet off, slipped it where he kept it, and ran his fingers through his hair absently for a moment, glancing around the parking lot and the front of the motel, perplexed. She understood he realised he hadn't even bothered to ask what room she was staying in.
"Up here," she called down to him, watching as he glanced up, seeming almost relieved. He jogged up the stairs, the tail of his long leather coat swaying behind him as he made his way, and he met her at the door.
"You rented a room?" he asked.
"What choice did Ah have? Lance gave every indication that he had no time to pick me up and Ah couldn't sleep in the car, there was a cop walkin' the streets on patrol," Rogue stepped inside and she heard Remy follow her. She sighed as she sat on the chair. "Why'd you come anyway?" she asked, watching as he closed the door behind himself.
"I thought it was to pick you up," Remy stated, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.
"Ah don't need savin' Remy. As you can see, Ah managed to find a solution in the end," she gestured.
"Yes...I see. How very clever of you to manage to procure this...fabulous hotel suite...with the luxury memory foam mattress, balcony of it's own with that incredible view, ensuite bathroom and giant plasma screen..." he nodded, looking around, gesturing to the things of which, were nothing like he'd stated, "Paris Hilton clearly stayed here before you..."
"Absolutely," she responded, trying to not be amused.
"Mind if I fix myself a drink?" he asked, gesturing to the mini bar.
"Ah don't have the money to pay for that."
"I'll pay, it's fine," he knelt upon the floor, opening the mini bar and digging in for something. "Surprised they even let you sign in to this place with an unlocked mini bar."
"The guy was just glad for business, didn't even ask for identification. Ah guess this place doesn't many visitors."
Remy found a miniature bottle of vodka, unscrewed the lid and put it to his lips, taking it straight, and he finished it in one swift gulp. He found another bottle, a different vodka brand, and repeated the action.
Rogue watched him curiously. "You're not going to get smashed again, are you?" she asked, "Because that first time was rough enough, and Ah could barely-"
He snapped his head around to look at her, "what? Wait..." he blinked, "What are you talkin' about?"
She realised her error, and her cheeks went hot. She hadn't told him about his poor behaviour when he'd come home drunk. He hadn't remembered either, and she'd been thankful for that and let him believe he'd just somehow managed to get home and in bed without any aid. Now, however...how was she supposed to explain this?
Had to open your big mouth, didn't you? She thought bitterly at herself as she dropped her eyes to the floor and tried to remain calm. "Forget it," she shook her head, embarrassed, refusing to meet his gaze.
He took a moment, looking at her, she could feel his eyes burning into her. "I didn't just get home, think it was still my room and get undressed and go to bed, did I?" he asked, the sound of realisation in his voice.
Rogue snorted a little. Should she just admit it? Why not, what difference did it make? It wasn't like anything would come of it anyway. He'd probably wear that whole event outcome like a badge of honour just like everything else he did. "No. You didn't. Ah've seen your room. You don't hang shit up when you get undressed."
"Call it foolish," he sat folded legged, looking at her with soft tired eyes, "but I actually thought maybe you'd just...you know, come in after and hung up the stuff and threw the blankets over me."
"Ah probably would have, if you'd actually done what Ah told you that you had," Rogue shrugged a little, she examined a burn mark in the carpet near her foot, and reached down to touch it merely so she had something to do other than sit there avoiding his gaze deliberately.
"Did you undress me?" he asked carefully.
"Your clothes were soaking wet, Ah didn't want you gettin' sick," she got up and moved to the window and stared outside at the back of the motel, watching cars go up and down the main street nearby. She still couldn't look at him yet. Every time she did she thought of him and Wanda together and it sickened her.
"Nothing happened though, right?"
Rogue sighed as she adjusted the drapes a little, really hating that colourful floral pattern that didn't belong. Putting something cheery in a drab room didn't make it any cheerier, it made it more utterly depressing. "Would it matter if it did?"
She heard him get to his feet, and she felt him come up behind her, she could almost feel the close proximity of him, and felt a strange magnetic pull to move back to be nearer to him. She fought it and leaned forward against the window sill so that her stomach pressed against the wall, she was still staring outside. It was staring to rain, and she had no doubt that it would continue through the night.
"If I did anythin' that was...untoward..." he began, and his hands came up to hold onto her upper arms gently.
Rogue snorted again, "what makes you think it was you who did anythin' untoward?" she asked carefully. "For all you know it was me." She wasn't sure why she'd said this, it'd been meant to sound glib but instead seemed cold and unfeeling.
He gave a very deep sigh, and she felt him move away from her. She hadn't expected him to pull away so quickly and she turned in confusion and stared at him as he sat on the hideous green vinyl arm chair, his hands gripping the scratched and dented wooden arms. What was it Ah said? She wondered. She hadn't quite expected him to have so much of a reaction to so simple a comment. Normally he makes jokes like this all the time...
She'd seen him looking upset before, but she'd never seen him looking so utterly...defeated like this. His expression was dark, his face almost seemed to sag a little with the weight of this strange defeat.
"Where's Wanda? She let you off the leash tonight?" Rogue tried to make a joke to lighten the moment, she turned to look back at the window.
He took several minutes to answer, and in between there was only silence and the sound of rain patting the window. Then he remarked, "I cut the leash."
"Did you?" she asked, almost amused by the thought. Had he grown his backbone back then? Or was this another deception. "Why?"
And Remy LeBeau responded with a reply so simple yet so completely devastating, that it made her spin around to look at him in horror. It made her blood run cold.
"She raped me."
"What?" Rogue asked, trying to process this. The comment sounded almost...so general, as if he were referring to Wanda's kicking him while he was down, or his finding her wearing one of his shirts. It didn't sound right, it didn't sound like the way such a devastating comment should have been said.
How did you expect it to sound? She wondered in dismay, gaping at him.
"Woke up, there she was...ridin' me like...like...like...a fuckin' mechanical bull at a fuckin' backwoods bar. Told her to stop, she didn't, and it was too late for me. By the time I got her off of me...it was done."
"Remy..." Rogue tried.
"They go on about this thing where it's only women that can be raped, but lemme tell you...it's not true. And even though I fought her off...it's still...you know...rape..." he let his elbow rest upon the armrest and placed his cheek upon his hand, the other hand drawing invisible patterns into the other armrest.
Rogue couldn't find anything to say. Was she sorry? Yes. Did she feel sympathy? Absolutely. But could she find anything that would make him feel better? No. Nothing she could say would be right for this. Especially after what she'd just said about untoward things happening on the night he'd come home drunk.
"I really tried with the girl, you know?" he sighed. "I was willin' to just...give it a go, put everythin' aside...even if I didn't care about her one bit, just give it a try for the sake of tryin' to make a bad situation into somethin' half-good. I knew I wasn't gonna be happy, that there was no chance in hell it'd ever work but..."
Rogue sat slowly upon the floor and looked up at him, still stunned.
"I should have known that I couldn't hold her off forever. A relationship to her is nothin' but fuckin'. Accordin' to her father, it's been the same with everyone who's meant to have taken care of her. Psychiatrists, doctors, guards, you know? Part of me wants to be mad at her but..." he shook his head as he stared into space.
"Part of you knows it's not all her fault..." Rogue finished for him.
He gave a vague unhappy laugh, "sounds like I'm nearly defending what she's done. I mean...I'm not hurt...I wasn't...really...violated. It was just I woke up to her...and...she wouldn't stop. I know there are people been through a lot worse...I shouldn't complain, really..."
"Remy...it's still-"
"I know that..." he glanced towards Rogue, his eyes sad, "I know it's still what it is. It's hard to admit though...that's why I couldn't tell anyone...except you."
Rogue gazed up at him. Why didn't he tell her father or her brother? Why me?
"Don't think I could stand any of the others knowin'," he responded unhappily, he seemed to be trying to push something stuck in his teeth out with this tongue.
"Why'd you tell me?" she asked quietly, wishing he hadn't. Wishing she didn't have the sick image of it in her mind.
"I thought maybe you'd get it...since you've been used so much 'cause of what your powers can do. Maybe you're the only person who really gets how it is to be constantly used...and to feel...like your feelings don't really matter."
She almost wanted to cry, and not for herself either. There was a strange elation within her that now he finally did understand. But she didn't want it to be under these circumstances.
"I told her it was over, told her she was a batshit crazy bitch and that I was done with her. And then I told her father..."
"You did?"
"Not about what she did last night...but everythin' else. She hasn't been near me at all today so I guess he told her to stay away from me."
Rogue nodded, "that's good."
"There's somethin' else," Remy met her eyes, "in the heat of the argument, Wanda told me somethin'."
Rogue had nearly forgotten about the incident when Wanda had walked in on them, and she already understood what it was Remy was about to reveal before he even said it.
"That you're sleeping with Magneto."
Scoffing, Rogue threw her head back and laughed silently. She should have expected that kind of a rumour was going to surface from something like this. She hadn't expected Wanda to hold back any secrets.
"What's so funny?" Remy demanded angrily.
"She is so far off the mark."
"Is she?" Remy asked, he leaned forward a little on the chair, "because she told me that she walked in on you two in a very compromising way. You were naked."
"Ah wasn't naked," Rogue chewed her lip, "he'd just removed the stitches...and Ah hadn't put my top on yet."
"And that's all it is?" he asked quietly, seeming reluctant to really believe that.
Why does it matter if it is? She wondered. She squinted a little. "Remy...why...is it important if it is?"
"Because he can touch you. I've seen it for myself, the night you fell onto that pipe...I saw him touching you. And Wanda said his hands were all over you..."
Rogue frowned a little, "Ah was upset'. He was tryin' to be...Ah dunno, comfortin' or something."
"Did he try to-"
"No..." Rogue shook her head, thinking how completely off the mark he was. Should Ah just be honest and tell him what happened exactly? Is it really his business? Ah've never asked details of any of his indiscretions, why should Ah tell him mine? "He was a gentleman."
Remy searched her eyes, his expression still so sad. Why was it he seemed so bothered about this?
"Ah kissed him," Rogue blurted, looking away from him, finding it hard to keep her eyes on his after this revelation. She wasn't sure why she felt the need to tell him this detail, but it had come so quickly she hadn't had time to consider the why or what his reaction may possibly be.
Remy seemed to swallow, he sniffed, and gave his neck a slight roll. He didn't like this, she could tell.
She waited for him to say something and it took some moments before he finally did.
"There was some truth to it," he seemed almost crestfallen.
"Does it matter?" she asked. "It was a horrible mistake, Ah feel stupid. Ah'd rather just forget the whole thing."
"Rogue...can I ask somethin'?"
She suspected she already knew exactly what it was he was going to ask. She said nothing but shrugged.
"Would you have slept with him?"
She had to think carefully about this. Would she have? She already knew the answer was yes but she wasn't sure she wanted to sound so positive about this with Remy. Part of her said hurt him, see how he likes it. The other part of her said be partially honest and finally she responded simply with, "maybe."
Remy snorted unhappily, and he got up and moved to the window now, shaking his head. He rubbed the back of his neck, he was frustrated about this, and she didn't understand exactly why. "Why?" he asked.
"You know why, Remy," Rogue said, her cheeks flushing hot. Did something like this actually need explanation?
"To know how it feels?" he asked. "I told you, it's overrated...it's..."
"If it was overrated, then you wouldn't have gotten yourself into that mess with Wanda..." Rogue pointed out. "If it was so overrated than you wouldn't have slept with half the girls in this stupid town!"
He grunted at this.
"Ah wanted to know how it felt. Ah'm not gonna be apologetic about that...Ah wanted an experience Ah could call my own..." she tried to explain as she stood up slowly. "You wouldn't get it, you've had all those experiences...Ah've never had any. All Ah have is hearin' about how great it is for everyone else. Ah wanted somethin' that for once was mine."
And then they both fell silent, Remy was still at the window, looking outside, his body rigid, his hands gripping the window so firmly Rogue could see the whites of his knuckles.
"What if I could give you an experience," Remy finally asked after several moments of contemplation. He turned back to her and looked at her very soberly, his eyes intense and dark.
"Excuse me?"
"Would you take it? The opportunity?"
Her eyes rose to him slowly, just what was he asking exactly? "Remy...what exactly are you sayin'?"
"We're here alone, no one can walk in, stop us...no one knows where we are..." he dropped to his knees in front of her and stared at her confidently, "what if I can give you what it is you need?"
"I...uh..."
"Maybe it wouldn't be as...good...as what you expect real sex to be..." he admitted thoughtfully, he placed both hands on the outsides of her thighs and ran them up slowly, "But I can make you whimper...and moan..." he continued, "make you tremble, and shake...and-"
"Remy..." she interrupted, her voice thick. "You've just told me that somethin' significant and wrong happened to you and now you're-"
He lay his head against her knee and closed his eyes, "I wouldn't ask for anythin' in return," he murmured, and he twisted his head to kiss the inside of her thigh, lips leaving a damp print of his mouth upon her black tights.
Rogue drew her breath, this seemed very familiar. But this time, it wasn't her propositioning anyone, and this time, she actually felt something for the other person. Gently he pushed her legs wider apart to move between them, his hands sliding slowly up the insides of her thighs now.
"No...no no no," she gasped, putting her hands on his and stopping them, "that's...it's so wrong..."
"Why?" he looked at her, "because of who I am? Because I'm not Magneto?"
"No...it's not that..."
"Then why?"
"Because Ah think you're havin' some kind of breakdown, sugar..." she said, feeling her eyes begin to water. Don't you dare cry. You need to be strong, or you might send him over the edge he's pretty close to it enough as it is. "And Ah don't think it'd be right for me to let you do these things when Ah know you're not right in your head right now..." she said softly. She timidly reached out to brush the hair from his eyes, he looked back at her, his eyes searching for something.
He laughed vaguely, "oh, chere..." he sighed, "if only you knew how right in my head I am when I'm with you, and when we're away from that place...where we can breathe, and just...be..." he leaned up and pressed his face against her chest and she heard him breathing in, as if he were trying to inhale her perfume, and the scent of the laundry detergent on her blouse, his arms came around her waist and he pulled her tightly against him.
Feeling slightly self-conscious of the fact his face was practically between her breasts, she nervously combed her gloved fingers tenderly through his hair, and let him remain like that for a few moments, as he seemed to enjoy the closeness. She couldn't deny she liked the feeling of him in her arms, how warm he was even through the fabric of their clothes, and how she felt his hot breath through the fine mesh of her blouse as it brushed against her chest. His hands travelled back down her back to her sides and back across her thighs, and she glanced down, watching as his left hand caressed her leg so very gently.
Why did he feel the need to do this? Hadn't he had enough of sex with Wanda? Why was he so eager to be used by someone else now? Was this all he understood about tenderness? That it had to be sexual? That there was no other way to be together?
She closed her eyes and tried to calm her breathing. She'd never let a man come quite so close to touching her this way and both his hands were on the insides of her thighs. What would be so bad about letting him do this? Wasn't it what he wanted?
No...he was too vulnerable.
But his hands were so close, and she was feeling that familiar ache just as she had when she'd been touching him, and when he'd ground himself against her in his drunken lust.
No...no it's wrong, he's vulnerable...and he's lookin' for somethin' else...not this...he can't be wanting this after what Wanda did...he can't be...
His fingers nearly grazed the area between her legs and she shifted back on the bed to avoid it from happening, "No, darlin'..." she winced. He'd been so close and the mere thought had her trembling.
"Tell me what you want from me..." he begged of her, he put his hands behind her knees and pulled her back a little, "anythin' you want..." he kissed the inside of her left thigh and she could almost feel the warmth of his lips through her thick tights. "Just tell me...tell me what I can do for you...we can figure this out..." he suggested softly; although his voice was thick with the sound of honeyed seduction, she could just pick up on the desperation behind it.
This is agony, he's tryin' to push my buttons. This is Wanda's influence, this is what Wanda has done to him. Ah need to put an end to it.
"How about what Ah can do for you?" she asked softly, only hoping that it wasn't going to be sexual. As much as this moment she wanted something to happen, here even in this very dingy and cheap motel room, she also didn't. It would cheapen it.
"Can you take everythin' away?" he asked, "if you touch me? The memories of everythin' that's happened...the thoughts...the feelin's? Can you make it so I lose these last few weeks?"
"No..." she shook her head, "Ah don't think Ah'm capable of doin' that. And even if Ah was...Ah could end up takin' parts of you away that you maybe don't want to lose..."
He lay his head against her left thigh and wrapped his arms around her waist, sighing softly. "Then there's nothin' you can do..." he closed his eyes.
Rogue felt so incredibly awkward having him down there like that, and she'd never quite worried about personal freshness so much as that very moment. How do Ah deal with this? How do Ah make him understand?
"Unless..." he sighed unhappily.
"Unless what?" she asked.
"Unless you can tell me that you love me."
She stared down at him, speechless. Why would he want to hear that? The experience? Because it was the only experience he'd never had?
She had to ask herself if she did love him. Her heart ached for him, and now her body definitely ached for him, and she'd been devastated by his deciding to go with Wanda, and now she was even more devastated that he'd been violated by the girl. But was it love? What did she have to compare it to? A crush on Scott Summers?
"Remy, Ah'm not gonna let you touch me in the way that you think Ah want...because...Ah don't want to feel like Ah've used you in the way that Wanda used you..."
"You were willin' to use Magneto..." he leaned up to look at her, his expression full of hurt and rejection.
"Ah don't care about him...not like the way that I..." she swallowed, "not like Ah care about you..."
He looked at her. "I don't want to be with you so that you can use me, chere. I can go out tonight and find any woman to use me in any bar in this town. I've been used...and I've used people...but with you...it's not gonna be the same..." he swallowed.
"Why would it be different?" she sighed.
"Because I think...I'm fallin' for you. I think I have...fallen...for you..."
Rogue felt for that moment as if she couldn't breathe. As if time stood still.
Remy continued, looking flustered and awkward, "Just took a little time for me to understand that's what it was..."
Her breath caught a little in her throat and she gazed down at him. Was this true, or was this part of his charm, his seduction? Was he trying to lull her into believing this so he could be intimate with her. Oh, how she wanted to say it back. But how could she? How could she say it without knowing for sure if it was true or not?
"Let me be with you...let me show you that I can love you...that it isn't impossible..." he pleaded.
"Remy, please stop beggin'..." she moved back from him, shifting further onto the bed. He moved forward, leaning up and putting one knee on the bed to lean over her, his voice barely a whisper.
"You want me, don't you?" he asked, sounding hopeful.
You don't know how much, she thought miserably.
He let his body press against hers, and she could tell he was nowhere near excited as he should have been. It only confirmed her suspicions that this wasn't about his own need. She wanted him, yes, absolutely, but this wasn't the way she wanted him. And not yet. Not when she was nowhere near getting her powers under control and definitely not when he was clearly distressed.
He shifted himself to grind against her, and there was nothing between them, and it was only sadder that he seemed painfully aware of it. His expression was clouded with disappointment. With a defeated sigh, he gave her an apologetic look, but said nothing. She realised clearly this wasn't something he was used to, judging by how completely lost he seemed at that moment.
He's burned out, he can't even get excited, she realised. She gently placed her hands upon his face and made him look at her, and softly she murmured, "this isn't the way Ah want you..." she brushed her gloved thumbs against his bristled jaw.
"But you do want me...?" he asked hopefully.
"Remy...Ah..." she swallowed.
"Tell me you want me..." he pleaded with her.
It was then that Rogue understood he wasn't asking to be wanted, or needed. What he was asking was much deeper. This wasn't about what she wanted, it was about what he wanted, and judging by the lack of any kind of excitement beneath his jeans, sex wasn't it.
He needs to hear it, doesn't matter if it's the wrong time to say it, Rogue told herself. "Ah think..." she swallowed her nervous, "Ah think maybe Ah'm fallin' for you too...but...it's so soon."
His expression changed, he was upset, and confused.
"My head is a mess...and right now so is yours..." she pointed out.
Remy was trying to read her eyes, he looked vaguely surprised that she'd admitted her feelings, but still almost unsure of the admission.
Rogue continued, maintaining a calm and gentle tone, reserved only for him. "We need to wait...there's no urgency, Sugar...now just isn't the right time for this."
He sighed and rolled off of her, lying on the bed, staring towards the ceiling, his expression frustrated, his eyes distant.
Rogue turned to look at him. Was this happening? Was she really about to enter into something with a boy...with Remy LeBeau? It felt almost too good to be true.
If it is true, and this isn't just isn't some kind of messed up mistake because of what happened to him, then...there's gonna be complications, Rogue realised as she stared at the ceiling with him, wondering if they were both looking at the same crack in the plaster. There's a lot of history that I'd have to be willing to overlook...
She turned to look at him, examining his profile and how perfect every feature was, and how for that moment he was hers. Longing to be near him, aware that tomorrow could change everything, she slowly shifted and tentatively moved to lay her head against his chest to listen to his heartbeat. She closed her eyes and breathed in the smell of his sharp but fresh cologne, "is this all right?" she asked of him softly.
He moved his arm to slide around her and he gently stroked her back with the tips of his fingers as he sighed a deep almost relaxed sigh, "it's all I need right now...all I want is...to be close to you," he admitted calmly.
Taken aback, she raised her head to look at him curiously, "Why...didn't you just say that instead of trying to-"
He interrupted her, "I don't know what it is you want..." he confessed quietly, searching her eyes.
She searched his eyes in return, then sighed, "you don't need sex to be close to me, you know..."
Tenderly he brushed her hair away from her cheek, careful to not let their skin connect. She didn't even flinch in fear that he may accidentally touch her. He seemed to be unable to really say anything and just continued looking up at her until she felt it was time to break this slightly awkward gaze.
Tired, she lay her head back against his chest and let the steady sound of his heart beating bring her own skipping heartbeat down to an even tempo. In the morning, they would need to discuss what all these new things meant for them both, but for now, this was enough. At this point in her life, it was more than she had ever hoped for, and it was enough to bring the warmest wash of happiness across her, even if just for tonight.
End of Part Twenty-Nine
Hope you've all enjoyed this chapter and that you're all having a fantastic Summer! Thanks so much for the very long and thoughtful reviews, it's always so interesting reading peoples interpretations of what's going on and how the characters are thinking. You guys rock! :)