Just ten minutes later and they were gone, every single one of them. I was left in my home on my own for first time in god knows how long. For such a long time the house had been filled with voices and now I was left standing in an eerie sort of silence.
I stood in the middle of the living stunned. I really hadn't thought that they were all going to go, honesty I had thought maybe a few and Faith would go. But no. Dawn, Xander, Willow and Giles had left me. Without looking back they had walk out and away from.
For a moment I thought Faith would stay, persuade them that I was right. She looked at me like she understood why I had given them the ultimatum. We look at each other briefly while everyone shouted their protests at me and we seemed to have a silent conversation. She knew I was handing over all the girls lives to her, but I tried to show her that I trusted her, no matter what had happened in the past. Faith gave me a small nod and then chaos erupted when she told them all to pack their things.
Giles hadn't even looked my way when he left, but I didn't really expect him to. Not after all the concern he had had for my judgement lately anyway. Xander and Dawn had been the hardest to watch go. Dawn was furious and shouted a lot but I understood it, this was her home that I was making her leave. But Xander, he looked at me with a forlorn and sad face, like he was really concerned. There was also a cold acceptance in his features and it broke my heart to watch him walk out of the door. Faith was last to leave. "I'm sorry it happened this way B" she had said touching my arm tenderly. I hadn't replied until she was halfway down the walkway. "Just keep them safe."
At least now they were acting as a solid unit. I hated to think of them like that, like just nameless faces in a war they didn't understand; but they would need each other if half of them were to make it out of this thing alive. All it had taken for them to really pull together was for them to turn on me, for me to become the bad guy in all of this.
The thing I felt the worse about though, was the fact that I actually didn't feel guilty. I had done what I thought was right. If they were not willing to trust in my judgement and follow my instructions then what was the point in all of this. After seven years I had thought I warranted the right to explain how things were to go down and for them to follow.
What was Spike going to think of me? Would he think the same as the others and walk out on me too. If he even returned in the first place that is. Had Giles sent him on a mission that he knew Spike couldn't possibly return from. Then what would I do? I would truly have nobody left on my side then.
I turned on the spot and took in my surroundings. There wasn't a thing out of place, no sign that the girls had ever been here. All the sleeping bags and small bags of possessions that they had left had vanished from their places. Finally I let the tears fall, at first silently, and then small sniffles that turned to whimpers, until my breath sped up and then became ragged. I sunk to my knees and brought my hands to my eyes as I sobbed, alone.
Abandonment issues I thought I had long ago buried resurfaced with a vengeance. Everybody in my life had at one time or another left me now. My father, Angel twice, Riley, my mum, Spike. Now I had to add Will, Xander, Giles and Dawn to that list. Every incident flashed through my mind quickly and replayed itself until I was curled in the foetal position, a mess on the living room floor.