At first I'm unable to comprehend what Ally has just said but once my mind is able to make sense of it I feel dizzy; feel like someone has punched me in the gut. I stumble back and nearly fall over had the table not been there.
A single bolt of lightning flashes across the sky but I don't hear it. My body has gone limp, the world silent everything in the universe has stopped in mid-motion because of Ally's single sentence.
This can't be happening. This isn't real. This is nothing more than a nightmare.
Suddenly one clear thought comes to me and I laugh drily.
"Come, on Ally. This is serious; you shouldn't joke about stuff like this."
Ally shakes her head. "I'm not joking." She says hoarsely, handing me the paper she was clenching earlier.
"What is this?" I ask her opening the paper. It looks official, like the results of a government test. But I can't read it because the words blur together the longer I stare at it.
"Those are the results of the pregnancy test I took at the clinic." She tells me as if I should already know this.
The proof is right here in my hands, but I still don't believe it. I don't want to believe it.
Wasn't this the reason I had refused to touch her? The reason I refused to do anything involving sex with her since she started talking about children for fear that she wouldn't take her birth control pills?
My head is spinning and I feel dizzy again, so I crash back onto the couch beside Ally.
We sit in silence the rain lashing at the house is the only sound. Tears streak down Ally's face but that just makes me angry. Wasn't this what she wanted? What she had been begging me for practically since the day we were married?
Suddenly these questions I'm asking myself bring back some memories from that night. Ally seeming nervous when she was talking me into going to the club, me getting drunk, me coming home to find a sexy, bold Ally, and finally me and Ally striping down to satisfy our desire for each other.
Suddenly these small memories make a picture I was to out of to see that night or the next morning. Suddenly Ally's strange smile and strange behavior that night make sense. And I don't know whether I should be hurt or angry at this new realization.
"You planned this, didn't you?" I ask her, breaking the silence.
"What?" She asks, confused, wiping at her tears.
I'm up on my feet again, dizziness gone, staring at her. "Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about." I say sternly, arms crossed. "You planned that night didn't you?"
She looks up at me then, her eyes red and puffy, but I can still read them clearly and what they tell me is that she's always known what I have just discovered.
"Didn't you?" I ask again. Even though I already know the answer, even though I know it's true I pray she'll say no, that I'm just imaging things and I am mistaken about all this.
But she doesn't even try to deny it. "Yes, I planned it." She says, sitting up straighter, looking me directly in the eye.
And with yet another single sentence she has managed to crush my world again.
I stumble back again, only this time when I catch myself on the table I cut my hand on a sharp piece of glass. I don't feel anything. The pain of what Ally has done to me is ten times worse.
"Are you okay?" Ally asks concern laced in her voice as she tries reaching out to me. But I pull away. I don't want her to touch me. I revel when I see the hurt expression on her face.
"I'm fine." I say bitterly, not caring that she looks so weak and helpless.
Not looking at me she quickly hurries to the bathroom to bring some bandages.
I don't bother to stop the bleeding, I'm still preoccupied with what I have just learned. I cannot believe that Ally, my wife, the woman I have loved since I first saw her, the woman I would jump into a volcano for, has done this to me. I cannot even begin to comprehend that my shy, sweet, innocent Ally has been deceiving me all this time. Apparently I don't know her as well as I thought I did.
She comes back bandages in hand, and gives them to me. I quickly apply them.
"How could you?" I blurt out when I'm done.
She looks down at her hands, avoiding my gaze. "I'm sorry. I really am. It's just that you were never going to get me pregnant by your own free will and—
"So you did it against my will." I finish for her.
She looks back up at me. "No, not exactly. We hadn't done anything in a long time, all I had to do was lure you into the idea and you came. Plus I asked you if you wanted to and you said you would." She informs me as if it's no big deal. Well it is.
"Yeah, but I was too drunk to think straight, to think about the consequences." I say gritting my teeth. "That's why you sent me out that night so I wouldn't think, so you could have me eating out of the palm of your hand." I step closer to her.
"Did that night mean anything to you Ally or were you just thinking of yourself?" I ask her.
"Of course it meant something to me!" She exclaims walking away from me.
"Every time we make love it always means something to me. It makes me love you a little more each time." She says.
"Then why don't you show me how much you love me?" I nearly scream, anger rushing back into my system. "Instead of deceiving me this way."
"I didn't deceive you." Ally matches my tone, anger flashing in her eyes.
"But you did go behind my back!" I shout. "You know I don't want children. You've always known that, so why did you trick me into giving you one?"
"Because tricking you was the only way I was going to get one." She doesn't shout, Ally is not one to yell. "I'm tired of waiting, Austin. If I waited until you agreed I'd die childless. You know I've always wanted to be a mother. And you know I've wanted to have a large family. I wasn't just gonna sit around until you understood." She says arms crossed.
"But you didn't have to do it like this." I say waving my hand around the room.
"And what other way could I have done it, huh?" She asks hands on her hips. "I could have divorced you to find another man who actually wants children." Ouch. That one stung.
"But no, Austin." She says her voice softening. "I couldn't leave you if I tried because I love you too much even if you don't see it." She tells me walking closer to me. "Maybe this baby and I—, she says stroking her flat belly, "maybe we could change your mind. Maybe we could show you all the joys of being a parent." She smiles while saying this.
"Well maybe I don't want to be a parent." I say. "I'm sorry if I sound selfish, but I don't want that baby. I never will. I would ask you to get rid of it, but I know you won't because you're not like that."
"Can't you just give him or her a chance?" She asks, smile gone, anger flaring in her eyes again.
"No, I can't." I say matter-of-factly. "And I can't believe you're asking me to face my biggest fear."
Her face softens when I say this. "Austin—, She begins, but I cut her off.
"You know what?" I interrupt her. She looks startled but I could really care less. "I don't care. You've always known I don't want any kids and yet you went and deceived me any way." I say surprised by how calm I sound. "You've always been like that Ally. You've always been selfish." That is so not true but I say it to make her feel guilty.
She's about to protest, but I interrupt her again. "Save it. I don't want to see you right now; I'm surprised I stayed to hear you out."
I began to walk toward the door; I don't want to be in the same room with her.
"Where're you going?" She asks softly.
"For a walk." I say opening the door.
"You can't just walk away from your problems."
"Oh, yeah, watch me." I tell her as I shut the door and walk out into the rain.
Hello again! Sorry for keeping you waiting but this chapter was a little difficult to write. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, because I'm getting less and less with each chapter. Pretty soon I won't get any anymore and that would just suck. Anyway I hope you liked this chapter and toon back in for chapter 6.
Thanx for reading and please review!
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