7:45 PM
Kallen waited until she had rounded the corner and was out of sight of the Black Knights, before turning and heading in a different direction.
She took note of the atmosphere, but otherwise paid little attention to her surroundings as she walked, dragging her feet along the ground slightly. Almost everyone she passed was dressed entirely in black, mourning the imminent death of Zero, just as she and the rest of the Order of the Black Knights were.
Not everyone was disappointed by the impending execution, however; even as she approached the Shinjuku ghetto, a few Britannians were parading around in flamboyant and colourful outfits, deliberately goading the mourners in the streets. Unfortunately for them, they had succeeded to a far greater degree than they had anticipated.
Kallen paused in front of an alley, looking down its length to see a group of Japanese, and even other Britannians, physically reminding one of the downside of their arrogance. While she didn't agree that they should resort to violence in response to such petty provocations, she couldn't bring herself to be concerned about the victim's plight. Lelouch wouldn't interfere, and Suzaku would intervene immediately, but what would Kōzuki Kallen do?
"Nothing in particular."
'Nothing in particular.' That was exactly what Lelouch had said when she had asked him what he wanted to do about Britannia. She now knew his true intentions, of course, but Lelouch hadn't been talking about the country of Britannia when he spoke – he had been talking about the people of the world.
Changes in policy and in procedure could be implemented with relative ease. Lelouch could almost certainly have simply announced himself publically as alive and requested an audience with the entire Imperial family without ever forming the Order of the Black Knights. He would easily have used his Geass to enslave them and become Emperor with relatively little hassle in comparison to the plan he had eventually carried out. Charles was an exception, of course, but there were other ways he could have dealt with his father.
Regardless, he had still created the Order of the Black Knights, as people were not so easily changed. By giving the people hope – by giving them a chance to openly support the changes he intended, rather than forcing what he perceived to be best for them – he had successfully encouraged an iron will within almost all people of the world to change their situation.
Those had been the values he had given to 'Zero,' at any rate. 99th Emperor of the Holy Britannian Empire, Lelouch Vi Britannia had not been so subtle. He had changed everything about Britannia as Emperor; every scrap of policy and procedure serving Charles Zi Britannia's regime had been ruthlessly expurgated, regardless of anyone else's opinions. He was seen as a tyrant, but that made no difference to him. As Lelouch Vi Britannia he had recreated the world, and through Suzaku, 'Zero' and his own death, he had made his world one which the people chose.
Regardless, Schneizel had won in the end, and the people were once again divided between two worlds. The majority were in support of Zero's world, but even with their numbers they were unable to stand up to the dictatorship of Odysseus U Britannia.
The world had been given a taste of freedom from oppression, and of a society where the strong do not oppress the weak. Attitudes could no longer be blamed on lack of awareness; anyone who still supported the current Britannian regime was their enemy.
The man in the alley was her enemy. She would do nothing, in particular.
A fifteen minute walk later, Kallen found herself squatting under a bridge and attempting to remove a manhole cover. There were ways to get underneath the interlocking plate system scattered throughout the settlement, but very few of them had large enough entrances to fit more than a single person through. Those that did were heavily guarded by the Britannian military.
The locations of others were kept heavily classified. Britannia had installed them in order to provide escape routes for their troops, as well as move reinforcements into position during critical situations. The locations of these entrances were given only to the highest ranking and most trusted officers, so it was natural that – with the combined information of Cornelia, Darlton and Guilford – the Black Knights had almost perfect knowledge of them.
The entrance Kallen was accessing was disguised as a sewer entrance from the outside, and even for the first few metres of the ladder which was visible through the darkness. The cover was deliberately made heavier than usual; if someone genuinely wanted to access the sewage network, it would encourage them to use the genuine entrance a few feet to the left.
Despite the extra weight, it only took Kallen a few seconds to pull it off. She was much stronger than the average Britannian officer, and it wouldn't make a very useful escape route if it took five minutes to open. Replacing the cover after her, she made her way down the long ladder, pulling out her purse and clicking on a flashlight as she reached the bottom.
It had seemed strange to Kallen that the purse had a flashlight built-in alongside the knife. She had purchased it from a less-than-reputable dealer at a market in her resistance cell days, and had been intrigued when it opened up to reveal two square pouches and a small bottle with a complicated name printed on the label.
She had been extremely confused when Tamaki started laughing hysterically upon seeing her with it. It had taken Ōgi five minutes to get a word in and explain to her that the purse she had bought was almost certainly designed for a female assassin, and that the pouches were likely intended to hold mints and contraceptive pills.
At that moment, Kōzuki Kallen turned redder than she had in her entire life.
The bottle had turned out to contain an incredibly fast-acting poison, capable of killing a fully-grown man in under a minute. The resistance cell had never needed to use it, but the Black Knights had, so it was half-full at present. Neither of the pouches had ever been filled, although she used to regularly catch Naoto sneaking worried peeks at their contents, much to her chagrin.
The lighting conditions became better as she neared her destination; evidently the construction work done on the plate system above her was of a far lower quality than in other areas of the settlement. Regardless, she left her flashlight on and wedged it into a piece of scaffolding, illuminating her figure in the almost suffocating darkness of the underground.
Kallen knew this place well. She was standing only a few hundred feet from the base of Babel tower, in the centre of what had once been Section Five of the Shinjuku Redevelopment Zone. It was complete now, of course, and had been cleared of all remains of the construction process. Only five long slabs of wood stacked in a pile remained, having been left out for one reason or another.
The same stack of wood Lelouch had been sitting on when she stumbled upon him struggling with refrain.
In a sick twist of fate, that single stack had been the sole survivor of a vicious clean up which had left the area almost spotless at the end of the construction period. She had returned only three times since that incident – once on the anniversary of Lelouch's death, once on the anniversary of his birth, and that night. Suzaku's death signalled the end of hope for the Black Knights – the death of everything Lelouch had given his life to achieve. It was as much Lelouch's death as it was Suzaku's
She had reason to revisit the place far more frequently, but forced herself not to; she had loved Lelouch, but wouldn't dedicate eternity to thinking about him. Not a day went past when her thoughts didn't turn to him for at least a few minutes and her eyes shed a tear or two, but she refused to let it control her life.
No, she allowed something far worse to control her life.
"You know about it, don't you Kallen? It can bring you back to your dear past."
This place had bittersweet memories for Kallen. It had been the first time she had ever seen Lelouch despair; her infallible leader had been prepared to submit himself to the control of the world's most dangerous drug in order to relieve his pain. It had also been the one time which stood out among all others where she had been useful to not only the Order of the Black Knights, but Lelouch personally; if she hadn't stopped him when she had, everything they had worked for would have come crashing down, and Lelouch's life would have been over.
He would never have been able to escape the clutches of refrain if he had begun to use it. With anything less than his full potential, he would have been doomed to a life of dependency – unable to break its control over him.
Until he stopped injecting or was executed for being Zero, he would be nothing more than a dead man walking.
Kallen let a tear roll down her cheek as she sat on the pile – exactly where Lelouch once had – and reached down to finger the smashed refrain vial which had been avoided by the construction workers. The actual syringe was still there, covered in dust and exactly where she had thrown it. She lifted it into her hands carefully, making sure not to knock the large piece of glass still attached to its side.
Closing her eyes tightly, she clenched her teeth and crushed the piece of glass in her palm.
Even though she knew she had no choice, she felt that she deserved the pain for her weakness. Every drop of blood that fell to the ground was another drop of blood she could have spared if only she was strong enough.
If only she was strong enough to stop him.
He had destroyed her. The things he did to her behind those walls – the things he subjected her to – should never have to be faced by anyone. Throughout the disgusting pleasure he had taken out of her anguish, he had left his mark on her – a permanent mark that had completely ruined her life.
That man was dead now; she had killed him herself.
His death could never stop the pain his actions continued to inflict on her, nor could it take away her shame, but it still provided her with a sense of satisfaction. People like him shouldn't exist. If she had the chance to go back and kill him again, she wouldn't spare him. His death would be far more brutal than before.
If the circumstances had been different, even Luciano Bradley might have been impressed by her sadistic desires.
How ironic.
Kallen's hand shook violently as she fumbled with the clasp on her messenger bag, ignoring the blood dripping onto the fabric. Finally she managed to undo it and reach in, pulling out a small black box.
She stifled a gasp as she withdrew her greatest shame – the secret she had successfully kept hidden from all but one person for almost two years.
Refrain.
"If they pile up, you might collapse under them some day."
"I'm here. I'll always be with you, Kallen."
"The verdict is out. It's twenty years."
"It's the after-effects of the drug. She can barely talk. It'll take time for her to recover."
"Please wait! Mother, I'll change the world before you're released."
"Don't mess around! What does one loss mean? Just think of another plan and make up for your loss!"
'…Lelouch…Mother…Tamaki…'
A tear rolled down her cheek as she inserted a vial and held the syringe to her vein.
'I wish there was another way, but there isn't. I'll never escape.'
'This will be the last time.'
With those thoughts in mind, Kallen injected, the chemicals in the drug moving to seize control of her brain in what would be the final chance they would ever have.
2019 a.t.b.
The Headquarters of The Order of the Black Knights
It had been three months since the world celebrated the death of 99th Emperor of the Holy Britannian Empire, Lelouch Vi Britannia.
Peace had reigned almost perfectly for those three months. Less than a handful of criminal offences had been committed across Japan, and the culprits of any which had were brought to justice in record speed, despite the country having an extremely green police force when the Order of the Black Knights weren't taken into consideration.
The Black Knights themselves were seen by all as the heroes of the world, and had as such been living in relative luxury since their rescue. The entirety of a large building in the centre of the now renamed 'Tokyo' had been purchased for them immediately following their victory, funded primarily by wealthy Britannians who either genuinely believed in their cause, or misguidedly thought they could gain political influence through funding the Black Knights.
Their control over a vast amount of the world was unquestionable, but could not be seen as a rule in the traditional sense. Ōgi Kaname had been installed as Prime Minister of Japan three weeks earlier, and talks were currently being held about who should be selected as Emperor or Empress of Britannia. The majority of the world had been expecting Nunnally Vi Britannia to take up the throne, but in truth it was undecided. Lloyd's name had been thrown around for a while before Cécile, Rakshata and himself had disappeared; the poor scientist was incredibly excited when he had heard about it, but his eyes had watered like a lost child's when he was told it was a joke.
One of the primary functions of the Black Knights at this point in time was to head up the United Federation of Nations, while the other was to serve as a police force in Japan. 'Area Eleven' had been the focus of almost all of the world's resistance to the Holy Britannian Empire, and as such the people were naturally somewhat more militant; without the Britannian police force in place, there was a gaping hole in that department.
Almost the entire public had been in support of the Black Knights' control; nobody save for the supporters of Charles' regime displayed any desire for them to step down, so it could not be said that the dictator Lelouch Vi Britannia had been replaced with an organisation just as power-hungry as he was. Their influence as enforcers of the law only extended into Japan and Britannia, however; no other areas were subject to rebellions on the same level, and as such were able to survive with far less experienced police forces.
The fact that the Black Knights were enjoying a level of comfort they had never been given the opportunity to feel before did not mean they were becoming complacent or arrogant, however. Still, it would be inaccurate to say that their efficiency and effectiveness were equal to what they had been in the past, and certainly not at the standard Lelouch had set during his tenure as Zero; victory had taken away a lot of the desperation which had fuelled them to work over and above what they should have been able to in the past.
Interestingly enough, Tamaki was one of the few who didn't let up on their intensity in the aftermath of what had appeared to be their absolute victory; if anything, his dedication only increased. It was such an incredible turnaround from his previously boisterous attitude that many people were unsure how to deal with him, and so they simply allowed him to continue as he was. If it wasn't for his tendency to behave in a manner more commonly associated with Tamaki Shinichirō when off-duty, he would make an ideal Order of the Black Knights poster boy.
Very few had any idea what had caused the change, but it was a welcome one – at least in terms of Order activities. Those who were close to him were concerned about his mental health, but whenever anyone approached him about it he would immediately find some work to do and set about completing it, regardless of the time or situation. For this reason it was common to see him busying himself in some area of the complex at any time from early morning to late night, rather than relaxing in the small lounge which had been built for the core members of the Order on the same floor as the majority of their private quarters.
If anyone had been paying attention, they would have noticed Kallen disappearing every now and again too. She didn't do it as frequently as Tamaki, but while Tamaki could be found wherever work needed to be done, Kallen would not have been so easily located, even if an attempt had been made to find her. It wasn't as though the Black Knights didn't care about her, but she needed the time alone without fear of being discovered. Whether it was because Tamaki did it more often, because his reasons were well known, or because he was less careful about it, Kallen knew not to comment; if she was being watched more closely, she would have to either admit to refrain usage or allow herself to die.
She was sitting in the Black Knights' main command room discussing recent information on a force being gathered in Europe – a thought which alone made her stomach tighten painfully – when the withdrawal symptoms hit. It had been twenty-two days since her last injection.
Kallen's grip tightened on the arm of her chair, unnoticed by the other occupants of the room.
"From what we have gathered, the amassed army is large enough to directly challenge our forces in Britannia, even with the vast resources gained from our victory over the Empire," Tōdō stated seriously, leaning his palms on the table as he stood hunched over a pile of papers. He furrowed his brow and continued.
"I discussed this with Claudio in the elevator on the way to this meeting, and we both agree that their objective is likely to be to lead an assault on Britannia. If these figures are accurate then they will be relying on the resources gained from Britannia in order to wage war on our primary forces in Japan. Zero has also agreed that this is the most likely scenario."
A few barely audible mutters were heard around the room, closed to all save for the core members of the Black Knights.
"Tōdō, where was this army spotted? Do we know where they originated?" Cornelia cut in after a few seconds, the sound around the room dying out as she spoke.
Tōdō shuffled the papers on his desk, quickly scanning over a few of them until he found the one he was after. "They were allegedly spotted three days ago in the North West of Austria, close to the German border. Our information states that their camp was temporary, and they were transporting up to three days' worth of supplies more than they would need to travel from Austria to Britannia using Knightmare frames. Based on this and the terrain patterns in the region, it is likely that they formed in either Romania or Northern Bulgaria."
Cornelia was completely silent, her eyes wide in shock at the implications of Tōdō's information. Kaguya and a few others shared her horrified expressions, while the rest of the room's occupants were still trying to connect the pieces in their head. Villetta was the first to respond.
"Romania? Bulgaria? Why there? Wouldn't a resistance be based in Germany or Poland where the resources are richer?"
Kallen understood just as well as anyone what it meant for the Black Knights if Romania had been the origin. Already she could feel the effects of the addiction getting stronger, feeding off her anxiety and despair. She didn't have long now; once the withdrawal symptoms began, she only had a few hours to satisfy them before her body would shut down.
She bit her lip and tried to keep the tears out of her eyes. Her hands gripped the arms of her chair harder, until they were trembling and a few of her fingernails had pierced the fabric in panic. 'No…not now…please not now! If they win…I'll…I'll never escape this!'
Kallen flinched as she felt two hands wrap around her arm and something lean against her shoulder. She hadn't even realised she'd closed her eyes until she was brought out of her thoughts by…
"…Kaguya?"
The sixteen year old rolled her head to the side so the back of it was resting on Kallen's shoulder, looking up to meet her eyes. "Shhh, Kallen," she began, placing her left index finger in front of her lips and reaching up with her right to play with Kallen's hair. "We're the Order of the Black Knights. We won't lose."
Kallen was grateful for the comforting gesture, the ghost of a smile passing over her features as she noticed that the girl had dragged her seat a good two or three feet to reach her. Kaguya had always been good at reading people.
"Thank you, Kaguya," Kallen replied, forcing her body to relax slightly, refusing to allow her posture to betray her thoughts.
'Thank you for the support, but soon I won't be any use to the Black Knights. If we lose this, I'll lose myself forever.'
Kaguya smiled and nodded, sitting up to continue listening to Tōdō's response. She had removed her head from Kallen's shoulder, but allowed her left hand down to slide down Kallen's arm and entwine their fingers.
"Due to information Zero transmitted last night from Britannia, it appears that Romania is the most obvious location to stage an invasion from. Many of you were away from base until only a few hours ago, which is why you are not aware of this yet," Tōdō began after sifting through a few reports for a minute or two in silence and placing a single page in the centre of the table.
"This report details the registration of a new organisation in Romania three years ago. This information has only been accessible to us recently through the United Federation of Nations, although I am unsure what made Zero interested in acquiring it to begin with. Regardless, the results are unmistakable. The top half of this page is the original Romanian document, while the bottom is a translated version. This is the organisation's name."
Everyone who had missed the meeting which had been held the previous night leaned forward, craning their necks to read the text. Villetta gasped, her answer laid out in black and white.
"T-Toromo Institute?"
Tōdō nodded gravely. "Yes, the same name as the organisation led by Schneizel in Cambodia which produced the Aerial Fortress Damocles as well as the FLEIJA missiles. Zero believes that this is a perfect mirror of the Cambodian branch, which we had previously believed to be the only Toromo facility in existence."
"Then that means–"
"–Yes," Tōdō replied, cutting her off. "This means that the enemy we are facing is almost certainly Schneizel El Britannia."
"Then there's no chance Schneizel is still allied with us, or even neutral?" Villetta asked, despite already knowing what the answer would be.
"No. If he was, he would have returned to us immediately, or at least made a statement. The only other option which does not involve betrayal is that he has been taken hostage, a situation which is unlikely given his current lack of political standing in the world. He may have been on our side during the war, but it is too soon for us to risk everything for another Britannian Prince; our enemies would know this," he responded immediately; evidently he had spent a long time stewing over this dilemma. "No, Zero concludes that Schneizel is intending to launch a campaign to conquer the world. I also believe this is the case."
The tension in the room was crushing, and Kallen had to bite her lip to keep from crying out. Her heart was thumping almost audibly in her chest, and her head was aching from a pulsing headache; she needed to leave the meeting, and soon.
All eyes in the room turned to her as she stood, Tōdō pausing mid-sentence to ask the silent question.
"I...I…I'm sorry!"
Kaguya gave her a sad smile as she pulled her arm away and backed away towards the door. The expression on the girl's face made Kallen panic as she closed the door behind her and tried to make her way through the building without acting conspicuously.
'Does she know? Could she possibly know? When did? Would she?'
Kallen caught herself as she almost tripped on a step, not wanting to risk being near enough to someone in an elevator that they could notice her behaviour. 'Don't be ridiculous. Kaguya is just concerned because you seemed really upset during the meeting. If she knew she'd confront you and try to help, that's the kind of person she is, you know that.'
She burst out of the stairwell on the seventh floor and ran down the corridor, thankful that there was nobody to see her sprinting out of the emergency exit at almost one in the morning. Reaching her room at the far end of the corridor, she pulled her keys out of her pocket and fumbled with the locking mechanism, cursing under her breath as she missed the keyhole for the third time in a row.
Finally she got the door open and darted inside, slamming it behind her. Hers was the only room in the entire building which only had a single spare key kept by either Zero or one of the other core members of the Black Knights. She had claimed it was just because she felt uncomfortable knowing that it was possible for someone to enter her room at night, an excuse they had bought for the most part.
Zero and Tōdō didn't relent as easily, though. They insisted repeatedly that it was extremely unsafe for there to be only a single key to her room, providing arguments centred around hypothetical situations in which she was either held hostage or was ill and unreachable without a spare key.
Kallen had shivered when Tōdō made that final argument; it hit home extremely hard for her, knowing that was exactly what would happen if she wasn't careful with refrain. Eventually they had come to a compromise, and Kallen had allowed one spare key to be given to Tamaki, while the third key was destroyed in front of her.
It was a calculated risk every time she had to inject, but it was one she had to take, even knowing that Tamaki could enter at any point and catch her either mid injection or under refrain's effects. The headquarters of the Order of the Black Knights closed their external doors at ten o'clock every night, and while all of the high ranking members of the organisation who lived in the building had access codes to leave at any time, a log of who used the exits at what time was sent to Zero's computer every morning. If Zero ever read the logs and noticed her name disappearing for most of the night every three weeks, she would have a lot of explaining to do.
There wasn't time for concern tonight, however. Kallen estimated that she had a little less than four hours until the withdrawal killed her, so there was no chance she would survive the night if she attempted to put it off until the next day.
After checking to make sure the door was locked, she got down on her hands and knees in front of her dresser and pulled out the bottom drawer. Tossing it to one side, she reached into the frame, pulling out a small wooden box covered with a plastic bag.
Kallen shivered as she untied the bag and removed the lid of the box, revealing a syringe and twelve slots for vials – four of which were already empty. She took the fifth vial and moved towards her bed, attaching the syringe as she sat down.
Her right hand moved towards her forehead, gently removing her old resistance headband and wrapping it around her bicep as a tourniquet. Bile rose in her throat as she realised just how fluent she was becoming at the sequence, a disgusting skill gained only through experience.
She clenched her teeth in anger and pulled even tighter on the headband, relishing the pain from her blood being cut off. At that moment, something happened that she would forever remember as one of the worst betrayals of everything she believed in.
The headband snapped.
Tears streamed down her face as she clutched the last remaining memento of her long since deceased older brother. Naoto had given her his headband only a few days before his death when she had lost her own. To break it was bad enough, but to do so while using it to inject a substance as vile as refrain…
…Kallen had never felt more ashamed of herself in her life.
Just as Kallen was about to inject, a crash distracted her.
Eyes snapping open as wide as possible, she turned to the source of the sound, her body shaking uncontrollably. Standing in her doorway and looking just as shocked as herself was Tamaki, a few nails rolling out of the box he had dropped at his feet.
"Kallen..." he began carefully. "What's wro–"
"–Stay away from me!" Kallen screamed hysterically, regaining motor control well enough to push herself backwards off the bed and lean against the wall, hugging her knees to her head. "Just…Stay away!"
Tamaki was still for a moment, trying to figure out what to do; he'd rarely had to deal with a girl who'd been crying before. His reputation as something of a clown had never seemed to put him at the top of anyone's 'who to go to when you're depressed' list. Of all the girls he could have expected to find in that situation, however, he never would have thought Kallen would be one of them.
Slowly, he closed the door behind him and locked it from the inside. Kallen still hadn't looked up from her position leaning against the wall, and hadn't slowed her tears at all, so he moved to sit next to her. He pulled up abruptly as he almost stood on a glass vial, lying carelessly on the floor at the foot of her bed.
"…Refrain," he breathed, his voice no more than a whisper. "Kallen…how could you…?"
He clenched his fist hard enough that it shook as he waited for an answer. Kallen made no response.
"Kallen, how could you? Zero always tells us that the Order of the Black Knights are symbols of hope! That's what we stand for, Damnit! How could you betray us like this, Kallen?"
Kallen's sobs only got louder as he shouted at her, a thin stream of blood running down her legs from where her fingernails had pierced the skin she had her hand wrapped around. Her body was visibly convulsing now, and Tamaki was immediately hit with a horrible guilt for snapping at her so easily.
He carefully made his way over and leant against the wall, sliding his back down until he was sitting on her right. She was clearly in too much pain to notice him, he realised; she would have made an attempt to get away from him if she had. Hesitantly, he placed his left arm around her, trying not to startle her too much.
Her reaction was instantaneous, immediately scrambling to put some distance between them. When their eyes met, he was shocked to see the sheer intensity of the haunted look they contained. He remained firm as Kallen scrambled to get away; he wouldn't let her down now.
"Kallen…how long have you been taking refrain?"
His question stopped Kallen in her tracks. He made no attempt to sugar-coat it, and for that Kallen was grateful, even if it was at a subconscious level. Nobody had ever spoken of her addiction out loud, for the simple reason that nobody had ever known about it; hearing it from someone else was completely different to admitting it to herself.
"I…I don't know exactly," she managed to get out between sobs. "It was…I…Britannia captured me."
Tamaki grimaced and tightened his grip on her shoulder, allowing her to rest her head on his chest as he sifted through scores of equally repulsive theories. He remained silent, giving her a moment to calm down before she continued. When she did, it was to give one name.
"Luciano Bradley."
His body stiffened in anger as he heard those two words. There was no doubt in his mind what had happened now. Still…
"What did he do to you, Kallen?" he asked, anger in his voice but carefully enough to make sure none of it was directed at her.
Kallen was silent for almost a minute. "Kururugi Suzaku."
Tamaki's eyes narrowed in confusion, before their intensity flared once more. "Him? Both of them?"
Kallen took a deep breath before she continued, wiping the tears from her eyes. "When I was captured by Britannia…When I…Suzaku wanted to know…He wanted to know who Zero was…"
Tamaki clenched his fist, trying to stop himself from making any sort of aggressive motion that might startle her. He knew how prisons extracted information from their female inmates.
"…He…he was going to use ref…refrain on me…to make me tell him who Zero was…" she continued, pausing slightly to compose herself. "…he didn't do it…he destroyed the vial…"
Her companion rubbed her shoulder supportively, allowing her to continue at her own pace.
"…I thought…I thought that would be the end of it…But then he…then Bradley came, after Suzaku left…he said he didn't care what happened to me…that my body was worthless to them…he…he used refrain on me…"
Tamaki was both relieved and angry. Up until a few moments before he had been almost certain that Luciano Bradley had raped Kallen, but the truth of the matter wasn't any kinder; he knew perfectly well how refrain toyed with its victims before it killed them.
"What happened then?"
"I didn't tell him that Lelouch was…was Zero. None of the days I had…seen him unmasked were amongst my happiest memories," Kallen replied, her sobs dying out as she managed to relax somewhat. "He used it…used refrain seven times on me that night…but he didn't get what he wanted."
Tamaki hesitated; his next question was extremely sensitive, and could do a lot more harm than good if he wasn't careful. "Did he…did he do anything else? To you, I mean…"
Kallen looked up to meet his eyes, startled, and for a moment Tamaki thought his fears had been realised.
"No…he didn't do that to me, if that's what you meant," she responded. Her voice was much calmer, despite the horrible question; evidently the knowledge that she hadn't been subjected to such tortures was the silver lining on her cloud.
"Are…are you going to take it away?" she asked timidly after a few minutes of silence, before spinning around and gripping his collar frantically with both hands. "Please don't take it away! Don't let anyone know! If you tell anyone, they'll take it away! I'll die!"
Tamaki grasped both of her hands and held her still; even if she was the Black Knights' ace pilot, her movements were too desperate to overpower him.
"I won't."
Kallen's limbs fell limp in resignation, before she finally managed to process what he had said. "You…you won't?"
He smiled. "No, I won't. But in return for that, you have to do something for me."
"What?" she asked immediately, biting her lip in apprehension.
"You have to beat it," he replied. "Kōzuki Kallen wouldn't let herself be beaten like this."
Kallen glared at him. "What are you talking about? Refrain can't be beaten! I'm dying Tamaki, and you know it!"
Tamaki smirked as Kallen pulled her arm backwards, making no attempt to move as the admittedly weak slap connected with his cheek. "The only way to break free of refrain is to create a positive memory stronger than any you have ever experienced in your life."
Kallen was perfectly still, her eyes wide in shock. "But…but that's impossible! How can anyone possibly be happier than ever before when they're addicted to refrain? Why doesn't everyone know this, anyway?"
"It's extremely hard, but not impossible. That's why not many people have ever survived," he replied. "Almost nobody knows because Britannia wants to maintain the illusion that refrain is undefeatable, to scare people away from it. Refrain dealers know, but it's something they only ever tell their clients after the first injection – once they're hooked."
"How do you know this?" Kallen asked; if she didn't know, there wasn't any reason for Tamaki to know through the Black Knights.
He sighed, closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the wall. "I had a friend who died from refrain. That's all I'll say."
Kallen remained silent, so he moved away from the wall and faced her. He reached behind himself, picking up the syringe and pulling a lanyard out of his pocket.
"Hold still, Kallen."
She didn't make a sound as he gently wrapped the lanyard around her bicep and pulled it taut, blocking the blood flow to her arm. A tear rolled down her cheek as he found her vein and placed the syringe above it, the final words she spoke before succumbing to the drug containing more gratitude than any she had ever spoken in her life.
"Thank you, Tamaki."
Section Five of the Shinjuku Redevelopment Zone
When Kallen regained consciousness, she found herself lying face-down on the cold, dusty ground a few feet away from where she had injected. Taking a quick stock of any injuries she might have sustained while under refrain's influence, she was only able to find a few tender places which were likely to become bruises, as well as two or three small cuts; evidently she had fallen onto the shards of Lelouch's shattered refrain vial at one point or another.
The abuse her body had taken during this dose was significantly lighter in comparison to the last time she had used refrain – three days after the Order of the Black Knights total defeat, and Tamaki's death. From the night Tamaki had caught her up until his death he had stayed with her every time she took the drug, making sure she didn't injure herself or fall into a critical state; it was only natural that once she no longer had his support to rely on, her condition after regaining consciousness was worse than even the first few times she used it.
It had come as no surprise when that particular memory had first featured as one of her common refrain memories. Most users had five or six memories from which one would feature randomly on each use; Kallen herself had six. Tamaki giving him his support, rescuing Suzaku with Zero, the battle at Narita; every single one of her refrain memories had one thing in common – hope. When Tamaki had helped her that night, she had felt hope for the first time in months; it was unquestionable that it would become one of her most treasured memories, despite its morbid context.
Before that point she had been drowning in despair. Knowing what she now knew about the only way to break refrain could have destroyed her completely, if she had been aware of it three months earlier. The elation she would otherwise have felt when Zero finally defeated Emperor Lelouch Vi Britannia was completely shattered by her understanding of Lelouch having planned everything from start to finish; if what had seemed to be her final chance to beat the drug had failed her, she might have given up hope completely.
Still, if given the choice to have understood his actions or not, Kallen would have chosen to understand them; if she chose not to, she would almost certainly have broken refrain's hold on her, but it would also be an insult to Lelouch's memory.
She would never feel guilt over it, but unknowingly deserving that sort of crushing guilt would be a filthy stain on her person she would never be aware of, let alone be able to remove.
An hour later Kallen dragged her body over to a piece of scaffolding and carefully pulled herself up into a standing position. Most people took four hours or more to regain enough motor control to make even slight movements, but Kallen was an irregular; while refrain may have damaged her reaction times and coordination beyond piloting the Guren, it couldn't stop her from keeping herself in nearly perfect physical condition.
It was nearing eleven o'clock by the time Kallen had finally made her way back to the Order of the Black Knights' current headquarters. The elevator doors opened to a small room with a single locked door on the other side when it stopped on the level which the Black Knights had purchased. It was fortunate for them that more than a few floors of both this building and the opposite one had similar configurations; they were likely to have been previously owned either by investors, or by some of the wealthier Britannians who had distanced themselves from aristocratic society under the reign of Odysseus U Britannia.
Kallen paused to relax her body, and make sure that all of her grazes and cuts were carefully concealed by her dress; she didn't want Ōgi or Villetta to question her about any obviously fresh injuries. She removed her key from a pocket and fumbled with the lock for a few moments, before silently closing the door and making her way into the kitchen area; coffee had always helped her to ward off the after-effects of refrain.
"Kallen!" Villetta exclaimed the moment she walked into the room, leaping out of her chair and rushing over to her. She pulled up short, however, noticing that Kallen was the only one to enter the room. "What happened? Where's everyone else?"
"I didn't go either," Kallen responded immediately, picking up on the fear in the older woman's voice. "I wa…I wasn't strong enough."
Ōgi walked into the room and leant against the wall as she spoke, regarding her curiously at the slight stutter. "Too much for you as well, Kallen?"
Kallen nodded, wiping a tear from her eye as she tried desperately to control her emotions after refrain had skewed them. A moment later her muscles tensed, registering the unexpected embrace the larger man had pulled her into. While it was somewhat comforting, she couldn't risk him picking up on anything unusual about her behaviour from the close proximity; she'd seem him register her stutter only seconds ago. Gently, she eased her way out of his embrace.
"He's dead, isn't he? That's why nobody is back yet, right?" she asked, even though she already knew the answer.
"I don't know," Villetta replied, surprising the red-haired teen. "They've delayed his execution for more than two hours already. We had to turn the television off about fifteen minutes ago; the way Britannia was turning it into a show…it was disgusting."
Ōgi nodded despondently, while Villetta shooed Kallen out of the kitchen with the promise of a jug of coffee if she went and took a shower – her maternal instincts developing much earlier than would be necessary for her own child.
She returned a few minutes later wearing a green tank top and a pair of red shorts, a white bathrobe obscuring them from view. Her hair was still wet and had begun to dampen the top of her robe. Villetta handed her a steaming mug and a double shot of vodka as she re-entered the kitchen.
"You'll need it tonight."
Kallen thanked her and took a seat at the table, placing the shot glass to one side; she had more than enough drugs in her system for the moment.
Ōgi sighed. "I wish there was something we could do for Zero. Without him, we'll never get another chance to fight Schneizel evenly."
A shiver ran through Kallen's body at the sound of Schneizel's name, almost causing her to drop the mug. She caught herself at the last moment and kept it balanced, trying to hide her panic as she looked up to see if her companions had noticed. Thankfully neither seemed to be any the wiser, relaxing her enough to continue sipping her coffee in silence.
"Things have become even worse lately," Villetta commented, taking a seat across from her husband. "Odysseus is letting this world self-destruct."
"Mmm," Ōgi agreed, swallowing a mouthful of coffee. "But it's not Odysseus making the decisions; Schneizel is pulling his strings."
"I know, but that doesn't make things any better," she responded, her words relaxing the group into a comfortable silence for a few moments.
"I wish Lelouch was here…" Kallen mumbled to herself, her eyes unfocussed as he absently stirred a block of sugar around in her drink.
The tension in the room was palpable at her words, both Ōgi and Villetta hearing them clearly. Although everyone would have agreed that Lelouch had made things better for the world in his legislation than Odysseus had, it was a major social faux pas to ever voice those thoughts out loud.
The death of Emperor Lelouch Vi Britannia had brought more hope to the world than anything Zero had ever done previously. It was the remnants of that hope which stopped the people of the world from bowing their heads to Odysseus' Britannia even after every defeat the Black Knights had suffered at his hands. To admit that Lelouch's death was not their victory was the same as allowing that hope to crumble.
"How could you say that, Kallen?" Ōgi asked quietly, but with a biting undertone. "How could you say that, after everything he did to us?"
Kallen flinched. Ōgi was extremely passionate when it came to Lelouch, often coming off far more aggressive than he intended to be when speaking about him. Everyone knew that he felt personally responsible for being fooled by the deceased Emperor, having given the order for the resistance cell to follow his command. Nobody was willing to mention his change in behaviour, though; it was a very sensitive topic for him, and as soon as the conversation turned away from Lelouch he would be back to the Ōgi they all knew.
"He deceived us!"
Kallen's grip on her mug began to falter.
"He lied to us!"
She bit her lip as her body began to shake, placing her mug back onto the table so she wouldn't drop it.
"If it wasn't for Lelouch Vi Britannia," he spat, "we would never have had to deal with any of this! Everything we did was for nothing! What more are we now than a resistance cell? We're right back where we started, and all we've got to show for it are enough blood on our hands to fill an ocean, and the deaths of Tamaki, Inoue and Yo–"
"–ENOUGH!" Kallen shouted, jumping up and slamming her palms down on the table.
Ōgi and Villetta were visibly shocked, the latter recovering in time to stutter a response. "Ka-Kallen?"
"How dare you talk about Lelouch like that? You know nothing about him! You know nothing about what he's done!"
"I know exactly what he's done!" Ōgi snapped back. "How can you defend that monster?"
Kallen shrunk back in her chair, the fire leaving her eyes in the face of her lifelong friend shouting at her. Her voice was quiet, and quivered slightly as she spoke. "No…"
Ōgi hadn't noticed her fear. "That man toyed with you, Kallen! He used you!"
"…Shut up…"
"He made you his pawn!"
Kallen's eyes snapped open, burning with greater intensity than either had seen in her for over a year. "SHUT UP!"
Ignoring the shocked expressions on their faces, she shoved her chair out of the way and darted out the door, allowing her coffee mug to shatter as she knocked it off the table. Tears streaming freely down her cheeks, she sprinted down the corridor towards the bathroom, throwing the door open and locking it behind her.
Kallen slowly made her way over to the bathtub on the far side of the room, trying to catch her breath as she opened the large window above it, the cool evening air circulating within the room and replacing the steam from her earlier shower.
Carefully, she climbed onto the windowsill, allowing her feet to dangle off the side of the building. It was a position she had found herself in many times since they begun to live there, a calming sensation overtaking her as she watched the city move around below her. Although she was more than a few stories up, the position wasn't nearly as unsafe as it looked; even if she did somehow miss the balcony at her feet, there was another – much larger – one only two storeys below which looked sturdy enough to catch her, so long as she was sturdy enough herself to survive the fall.
Leaning back to reach into the room, she retrieved her bag from where she had left it for her shower. She filtered through the contents for a moment, pulling out her purse and throwing the bag back into the room.
'Still half-full' she noted absently as she turned the small bottle of poison over in her hands. 'It would be so easy…'
Her mind made up, she drew back and launched the bottle across the street, smiling grimly as she heard the comforting sound of the bottle shattering. Poison was a cowardly way to die.
Taking in one last breath of the outside air, she pulled herself back through the window and darted towards the medicine cabinet above the sink. Within seconds she was sifting through it haphazardly, forcing its contents to the floor. She winced when several glass bottles smashed on the floor; if Ōgi and Villetta hadn't been worried before they would be now.
With shaking hands, she reached towards the back of the empty cupboard and removed the piece of wood separating it from the wall cavity. When she drew her arm out of the hole, her fingers were firmly clutched around a three-inch knife.
With tears blocking most of her vision, Kallen stumbled towards the bath, taking comfort in the familiar feel of the leather grip.
'I'm sorry…'
Her bathrobe caught on a hook as she walked, tearing it off her and causing her to trip onto her chest. With a sob she pulled herself to her feet again and stood in front of the bath, grasping her top in front of her stomach and slashing the fabric off just below her breast.
'I'm sorry, Naoto. I'm sorry Lelouch. I couldn't create the world you both gave your lives for.'
Kallen was only vaguely aware of the voices screaming from outside the room and the thumping of Ōgi's foot on the bathroom door as she raised the knife in front of her.
'Forgive me…'
With those final thoughts, she clenched her eyes shut, driving the blade towards her chest.
Both husband and wife watched with shocked expressions as Kallen's mug shattered on the floor. For more than a minute the two sat in complete silence, before the sound of Villetta's palm on Ōgi's cheek sounded clearly throughout the room.
"What the hell was that for?"
Ōgi made no move to reply, shame overcoming him as he regained his composure. "I…I didn't mean…"
Villetta slapped him again. "Damnit, Ōgi! You're letting this obsession with Lelouch get to you! We haven't mentioned it to you before because it was obviously a touchy subject, but this time you went too far! You've got to stop it before something serious happens!"
He nodded, knowing perfectly well just how true her words were.
The sound of glass shattering brought them out of their momentary silence, exchanging alarmed expressions before sprinting towards the source of the sound as fast as their legs would carry them.
"Kallen? Open up! It's me, Villetta!"
Ōgi wasted no time trying to coax her out, instead rearing back to attempt to kick the door in. Three attempts later he succeeded, and they both forced their way through the broken door. The sight behind it chilled them to the bone.
Kallen laid strewn out on the tiles, a dagger buried up to the hilt in her chest. A rich pool of blood surrounded her body, growing steadily larger every second.
"Check her pulse!" Ōgi screamed hoarsely, spotting the purse sitting on the edge of the bath. When he opened it, his heart almost stopped.
"There's no pulse!" Villetta replied, searching desperately to find something she knew in her heart wasn't there.
"It's gone…" Ōgi stammered, the purse falling out of his hands "The poison…What have I done?"
Villetta finally stepped away from the body and moved to comfort her husband, resigned to the horrible, yet undeniable fact that Kōzuki Kallen was dead.
"Naoto…I couldn't protect her…I've failed you worse than ever…I'll make it right, Naoto…I'll make it–"
"–Ōgi, no!" Villetta cried, forcing all her strength into keeping him away from the knife he was desperately reaching for. "You've still got a child! You've still got the rebellion! You've still got me! Can you really give all these up just because of Kallen?"
"Just because of Kallen?" He screamed, his face almost turning red with a mix of anger, frustration and shame. "Just because of Kallen? How can you say tha–"
He was cut short by a punch to the face from Villetta. "Listen to yourself, Ōgi! Would Naoto have wanted you to be acting like this? Would Kallen have wanted you to be acting like this?"
The blood drained away from his face, red being replaced by pale white.
"Go and get the phone; we have to call the others."
Only when Ōgi had left the room, did Villetta finally allow herself to break down into tears.