A/N: Story so far: I was the biggest liar-slash-optimist ever about when I'd next update. Sorry everyone. Hope I am not too rusty on this writing thing. I have a lot to catch up on here - stories to read, stuff to post, reviews to answer, etc. etc.
But, let's try this again.
Story so far: Asked to help Teddie prepare for the 'Miss' Yasogami contest, Naoto tried and failed to run away, then made amends by lending him a dress. Meanwhile, Kanji and Rise began their own preparations.
In this part: Rise is very helpful, Naoto is equally mortified, and Kanji and Yosuke share a shower.
October 30th, 2011
"Okay! Naoto-kun's on the case." Rise swapped her cell phone for the comb and went back to tugging the latter through Kanji's hair. "Y'know, this'd be much easier if you didn't dunk your head in hair gel every morning. It's like glue."
Nothing wrong with wanting to look nice, Kanji reminded himself. Gelling his hair made him look badass. It also kept it from sticking up a ton of weird angles and making him look like a hedgehog. "This chick. Mary or whatever. You sure I'll look like her?"
"Marilyn Monroe, Kanji-kun. I can't believe you haven't seen her films! She was like the closest thing to an idol back then!" Rise's happy sigh shifted seamlessly into a giggle. "And you're both bottle blond, right?"
Kanji suspected it was way more complicated than that and wished he'd checked out a picture of this Marilyn first. "I'm trusting you, yeah?"
"Don't worry, you're in safe hands," Rise insisted, almost tearing out a snarled clump of hair above his left ear. "Risette's gonna make you a princess."
"I never said nothin' 'bout princesses!"
"And if you're a princess," she continued as if Kanji hadn't spoken, "then you need a prince." Her smirk crept up the back of his neck. "Got anyone in mind?"
It wasn't the sort of question that needed an answer. Slouching back in his chair, Kanji kicked his heels against the classroom floor. "Why ain't you helpin' Souji-senpai?"
The comb stopped moving. "...Yukiko-senpai wanted to do it."
Thinking about it, both Yukiko and Souji had disappeared pretty fast. Kanji hadn't noticed at the time, largely because a rocket launch couldn't have drowned out Yosuke's long, loud explanation of just how badly Chie would have to kill him before he'd let her put him in a skirt. By the three minute mark, it'd seemed like she'd do it just to shut him up. Yukiko had been smart to snag Souji instead.
Didn't explain why Rise hadn't gotten there first, though. "But ain't you-"
"Besides, you totally need my help on this," Rise cut in, then started yanking at his hair again. "How else are you gonna win?"
While Kanji appreciated the help, he'd already accepted that an entire squadron of Rises couldn't bag him this contest. She'd have been better off with Senpai. "Yeah…just figured, y'know."
A soft sound came from behind him; something that might've been a laugh but only made it halfway. Rise leaned forward, resting one hand on his shoulder. "I've been throwing myself at Souji-senpai for months, Kanji-kun," she said, not quite lightly enough, and Kanji's stomach twisted with recognition - until she opened her mouth again. "So there's no problem with me taking time out to make Tatsumi-chan look pretty for his handsome prince, right?"
Kanji scowled on principle. "Shut y'face."
"Oh, stop being such a diva. I bet Naoto-kun hates that sort of thing."
"Don't care," he muttered. "Contest's stupid."
"You won't have any fun if you're being all grumpy. Lighten up!"
Kanji glowered in silence - first at the floor, then at the opposite wall, and finally at his dress, which was slung over the nearest of the costume racks that half-filled the classroom.
It was a total rush-job. The stitching was shoddy - he'd been so tired he'd almost sewn the stupid thing to his t-shirt - and the cut was a fricking disaster and Naoto sure as hell wouldn't say it was professional or even-
A finger jabbed the back of his head. "C'mon, you were really into this before. What happened?"
Truth was, Kanji had spent most of the past hour fighting off a fit of self-doubt. Distracting himself had been easy before that; he'd stayed up half the night sewing his dumb dress, kicked around in Daidara's all morning watching the guy hammer Chie's old greaves into something that was trying its best to be a pair of high heels, then come to school and concentrated on not staring at Naoto. Ever since she'd disappeared with Teddie (which Kanji really hadn't been cool with), there'd been nothing to do but sit in classroom 2-3 while Rise tried to pull his hair out. Which had led to a whole bunch of thinking and an increasing suspicion that this entire thing was the worst idea ever. Hanamura's wailing about irreparable damage to his manliness hadn't helped. "Just stupid, s'all."
It wasn't an answer Rise liked. With an annoyed huff, she grabbed his dress from the rail and shoved it into his hands. "Fine, don't tell me, but at least get dressed while you sulk!"
Kanji stood up, mumbled something unrepeatable under his breath - the hell was Rise's deal with butting into his business? - and lifted the hem of his shirt. He got it as far as his ribs before Rise squeaked and yanked the fabric back down.
"Whoa, whoa! Kanji-kun, not here!"
He frowned. "…Why not?"
"Because I'm standing in front of you, dummy!" Rise shook her head, then pointed to the far corner of the classroom. "Go use the changing room!"
…Damn, he really was distracted. Stripping off in front of girls just wasn't something you did, not only because it wasn't proper, but also because girls were confusing and nerve-wracking and ultimately kind of terrifying. Frankly, Kanji was a little disturbed he'd gotten so comfortable around Rise. Then he decided she was uniquely terrifying in her own right and therefore a special case - and, with a mumbled apology, made his way to the changing room.
It didn't deserve the name. From what he could tell, someone had just shoved three display boards into an open square and thrown a bed sheet over the top. He had to duck to get inside and almost knocked one of the walls down trying to kick off his pants. After that, he quickly realized two things: that putting on a dress was way more difficult than girls ever let on, and that no matter how tired he'd felt, he really should've tried his out last night. Trying to tug the thing past his shoulders and cursing under his breath, he didn't notice the footsteps behind him until the sheet was pulled back from the entrance.
Man, Rise had some fricking nerve. She'd practically thrown him in here to get dressed, given him no time to do it, and now she was just barging in?
Kanji swung around, scowl at the ready. "Dammit, Rise, I ain't fin-"
"Kanji-kun, here is-"
Mid-spin, he noticed that the voice was crisp, level, and definitely not Rise's. Unfortunately, the information didn't register until he'd turned a full semi-circle - leaving him face-to-face with a wide-eyed Naoto Shirogane.
Kanji froze, dress bunched above his head.
Naoto, meanwhile, jerked backward two steps and bumped into Rise, whom Kanji now had pegged as secretly some sort of twin-tailed demon. "Thanks, Naoto-kun!" she chirped, reaching around Naoto's shoulder and plucking the wig from her hands. "This'll be perfect once I clean the dust off. Help Kanji-kun with his dress, okay?"
In response, Naoto made a noise that sounded nothing like agreement, followed by two more that might've been attempts at Rise's name. Rise responded by shoving her forward again, smiling brightly, then disappearing back into the classroom.
Kanji blinked.
Naoto blinked back. Twice. "Um. What. What do you-"
Crap. Crap. Stuck in a fake changing room in only his boxers with Naoto looking like she'd shoot him and oh crap
Kanji's mind struggled with rational thought at the best of times. Working through the logistics of simultaneously putting on a dress and not passing out sent it into a tail-spin. "N-nothing! S'fine!" he yelled, and tried to yank the dress down over his head.
If getting the thing on before had been difficult, blind panic ruled it out completely. Although most of the fabric made it past his shoulders this time, it just bunched up around his biceps instead, leaving him with his head wrapped in white cotton and his arms trapped at his sides. The sole consolation was that Naoto wouldn't see him blushing - unless his face really was about to catch fire, which would at least get him out of the stupid dress.
Scissors. He'd have to beg her to fetch some. Sure, she'd probably just run out the classroom and never come back, but at least-
The thought was cut off by a sharp tug at the fabric trapping his upper arms, which loosened the dress just enough for him to wriggle inside and slip his arms through the straps. It also left him once again face to face with Naoto, standing in the entrance with her hands clasped behind her back - and, even though Kanji took up most of the makeshift changing room, somehow looking at everything in it except him.
Suddenly, being trapped in a dress didn't seem like such a bad deal.
"It was stuck. Your dress. I-I was simply-" Naoto made a sharp gesture that Kanji guessed was meant to convey her gentlemanly intentions, but came off more like a flinch.
"Th-thanks," he managed. "For, uh, helping out."
She nodded stiffly. "I'm sorry. Barging in on you. Rise," she added, like that one word explained everything. It usually did. "She-she said you were trying on your shoes. Not the-"
"Y-yeah. Rise."
Puppet-like, Naoto jerked her hand toward him. "It's - a very nice dress."
"I can do way better," Kanji blurted.
"I'm sure." Naoto was edging back to the entrance, one hand gripping the brim of her cap. "Well. Um. Good luck."
With that, she instantly vanished into the classroom - or at least it seemed that way. Kanji was busy wishing he could curl up and die, so he might've just blacked out for a moment.
Next thing he knew, Rise was peering around the bed sheet; grinning, expectant, and utterly evil. "So? How'd it go?"
To Kanji's credit, he kept his temper for three full seconds before exploding.
Kou covered his face with a lace-gloved hand. "Dude, I can't do this. I look like my grandmother."
"No way, man." Daisuke shook his head, his silver beehive wig swaying dangerously in response. "I saw your grandma at New Year's. She was wearing a kimono."
Which still would've been a better route for Ichijo and Nagase to take - because while Kanji had resolved to respect his senpai, particularly if they were friends of Souji, it was hard to stick to when those senpai looked like a pair of frilly meringues. "The hell d'you get those outfits?"
"Costumes for the stupid play. Ozawa and Ebihara's idea." Kou dropped his arm from his face in favor of smacking Daisuke in the shoulder. "Nagase, you moron, I told you we should've gone to Junes!"
Daisuke rolled his eyes. "Yeah, 'cause I really wanna buy myself a dress in a store that's hired half our year as weekend staff. What, you worried about looking pretty?"
"Nothin' wrong with that," Kanji interjected.
"C'mon, you know that's not it! I...see, it's just, we're gonna get up there and - I mean -" Kou growled and threw his hands up in frustration. "Souji, help me out here!"
Souji gave a shrug. "We're wearing dresses whether we like it or not," he said, brushing his plaits back behind his shoulders. "Might as well try to."
Grinning, Kanji slapped him on the back. "Thass the spirit!"
Even though Souji had turned chalk-white when he'd first seen the sign-up sheet, it figured he'd be cool with the contest in the end. Senpai was cool with everything. Knowing that made Kanji feel a lot better, even though it kind of sucked that Souji's outfit was nicer than his. Okay, so the grey ankle-length skirt was kind of frumpy, but at least it might've stopped Rise threatening to shave his legs.
Kou pulled a face. "If I ever start talking like that," he muttered to Daisuke, "just put me outta my-"
"Hey, guys!"
The voice was Chie's - and glancing to his left, Kanji could see her jogging down the corridor toward the group.
Opposite him, Kou flushed a furious pink. It made his turquoise dress look even worse. "Oh, crap."
"Have any of you seen-" Chie stopped short, frowned, then peered carefully at Daisuke and Kou. "Wait, wait. Nagase and Ichijo?"
"No," choked Kou, trying to hide behind Daisuke and almost succeeding.
Daisuke glared back at her. "It's a bet, alright?"
"...Whatever, I'm not even gonna ask. I'm more worried about where Yosuke went. Have you guys seen him?"
Souji raised an eyebrow. "I thought he was with you?"
"He was!" Chie snapped, waving her hand in the rough direction of the second floor. "Then I go to grab more ribbons from the sewing room and the big jerk runs off!"
Kanji blinked. "You serious? He chickened out?"
"I dunno." Another frown, but this one just seemed disappointed. "Probably. All I know is that I turned my back for one moment and he was gone."
Souji grimaced. "Yosuke got us into this mess. I thought he'd at least see it through." He tried to fold his arms, but his plaits kept getting trapped in his elbows.
Yosuke, Kanji reminded himself for the fifteenth time that day, wasn't a bad guy. Senpai had always said as much - usually when he'd been asking Kanji not to beat the crap out of his best friend - and so Kanji had done his best to forgive and forget. The dumb jokes about bathhouses, the dumber ones about him and Naoto, even the bitching about sleeping in the same tent; throughout it all, and occasionally successfully, he'd grit his teeth and tried to let things slide.
This? This was different.
Kanji balled his fists, shoulder muscles rippling beneath the straps of his dress. "I'll find him. No way is he gettin' out of this!"
Frankly, Kanji felt he was entitled to be a little pissed off.
Back in May, school had seemed as big a waste of time as everything else in life, except about a dozen times more frightening. That was how a couple of skipped classes had gradually turned into entire weeks where he didn't show. Kanji had flaked out, and all it'd done was make him dumber and lonelier - until Souji Seta had shown up. Souji had changed everything by making Kanji want to change himself; by making him realize he could be more than just some punk that set the neighbors gossiping. He still didn't know what he needed to be instead, or if he'd ever figure it out, but he'd worked up the courage to go back to school and just barrel on through. Hadn't missed more than a couple of classes since.
Now, six months later, he was spending Saturday morning in an ugly dress and pancake make-up, Rise was trying to ruin his life again, Naoto probably thought he was a pervert - and Yosuke Hanamura, because he was the biggest asshole who ever lived, was cowering in a shower cubicle at the back of the girls' locker room.
Souji had a lot to answer for.
Yosuke was clawing at his face. "Dude. Dude. Do you have any idea how horrible this is gonna be?"
"Don't matter," Kanji snapped, and jerked his thumb toward the locker room door. "S'your fault, so get out there an' deal with it!"
"Looking like this? Hell, no!"
Hanamura had a point; the same one Take-Mikazuchi had been hammering into Kanji's head all morning, in a way that used no words but still somehow expressed how amazingly dumb the whole 'pretty' idea had been. After checking himself out in the bathroom mirror on his way to the showers, Kanji suspected the Persona might be on to something.
Could've been worse, though. Rise might've been a little off with this Marilyn chick - but as he stared down at a huddled, twin-tailed Yosuke, Kanji made a mental note to thank her for not going with the schoolgirl look.
"Oh man, this is so, so gay," muttered Yosuke, head now buried in his hands.
Nope, not a schoolgirl. Way creepier. When Naoki had stammered out that he'd seen Hanamura hurtling through the gymnasium doors and into the girls' locker room, Kanji had taken the part about a plaid miniskirt and white knee-socks for an exaggeration.
"Gayer than a unicorn eating rainbows," Yosuke babbled. "Gayer than your Shadow in pink Spandex."
"Hell'd you just say?" Kanji growled. "Dammit, you're the one hidin' in the girls' showers!"
"Hiding in plain sight! It's the one place I figured Satonaka wouldn't look." Yosuke groaned out loud and smacked his palm against his forehead. "Why does she make me do these things?"
"Because you signed her up for the pageant, idiot!"
"It's completely different! She doesn't get it, she's gonna look awesome and we're just a bunch of guys in freaking dresses!"
For a horrible moment, Kanji knew Yosuke was totally, absolutely, two hundred percent right. Maybe three.
...No way. It was just Hanamura - or Hanamura's skirt. Definitely the skirt. Red plaid was hard for anyone to pull off, and it'd probably come from Junes. Kanji shook his head, instinctively vowed he'd make a replacement (guy was totally an amber), then winced.
Yosuke gave a sympathetic nod. "Dude, I know. This is so awful. If I ever have another idea like that-"
"-then I should kick your dumb ass?"
"...Yeah, go ahead. Still beats cross-dressing." He glared down at his bright red ribbon collar. "It was a joke, you know? People rag on me all the time."
When Kanji had first joined the team, Yosuke's welcome routine had consisted of two week's worth of jibes over bathhouses and pretty-boy detectives. Nothing had slowed him down - not Souji's quiet warnings, or Chie's punches to the shoulder, or even Kanji's open threats to hurl the jerk over the food court fence. The same jerk who, three weeks earlier, had fought through a small army of Shadows just to save some punk who'd chased him round a picnic table. Knowing that had only pissed Kanji off more. Finally, after a particularly bad team meeting at Junes, Chie had pulled him aside by the shoe lockers after school. Don't let Hanamura get to you, she'd said. Something about different people trying to make friends in different ways, even if those ways were all screwed up. Pretty familiar territory. Didn't make it any less annoying.
Kanji let out a sigh. "Yeah, I know. Now, you gonna get outta there or what?" he asked, reaching a hand down into the cubicle. After a moment's pause, Yosuke grabbed hold and pulled himself upright.
"How'd you find me, anyway?" he muttered. "Did Souji figure it out?"
"Nah, Konishi saw you. Naoki," Kanji added, then remembered the qualifier had been redundant for months.
"Figures. The guy hates me. Must run in the family." Arms folded, Yosuke leaned against the back wall of the shower cubicle. "Bet he's told the girls where I am, too."
Kanji shook his head. "Naoki don't hate anyone. And the girls ain't a problem, 'cause you're gonna go out there right now."
"Maybe I can drown myself before Satonaka breaks down the cubicle door."
Glancing at the shower faucet, Kanji briefly considered trying to help. It might force Hanamura outside. Tying all those ribbons into his hair must've taken Chie forever, though, and it seemed a shame to ruin her hard work. "Quit gripin'," he snapped. "You're a man, ain't ya?"
"Which is totally why I need to prance around a stage in a skirt. And hey, after we're done with that, maybe we can go bake cookies!" Yosuke threw up his hands. "Then we'll sit on the sofa together, bust out some Witch Detective books and-"
Sometimes a man had to draw a line. Witch Detective was awesome and Kanji was about to threaten to break Hanamura's legs if he even thought about ragging on it, when a voice came from somewhere near the changing room door. It was quiet, slightly nervous - and definitely female.
"Hello? Is anyone there?"
Yosuke paled. "Dude."
"The hell-" Kanji managed, before Yosuke grabbed his arm, yanked him inside the cubicle and slammed the door.
"If-if there's someone in here," the voice asked, much closer this time, "then please say something?"
"...Shit, I know her!" Ayane Matsunga: fellow first-year, kind of skittish, played trumpet in a way that made Kanji wish the sewing club didn't meet so close to the music practice room. Rise had sworn up and down she had some sort of crush on him, which was probably just another boredom-induced product of the Kujikawa rumor mill but had still left Kanji feeling severely awkward.
An elbow smacked against his ribs. "Then answer!"
"She'll know I'm a guy, dumbass!" Kanji hissed.
"So pretend!" Yosuke hissed back.
"You've got the higher voice!"
"You're the one who thinks he looks pretty!"
"You like bein' a girl?" Kanji snarled. "Hope so - 'cause if you don't say something, I'm gonna rip your balls off!"
For a moment, Yosuke just glowered at him in silence - then rolled his eyes and turned back to the door. "H-hi!" he trilled. "What's up?"
"I-I just need to use that shower. The water heats up really slowly in the others." Ayane hesitated. "Um...are-are there two of you in there?"
"Yep!" Yosuke squeaked. "We're - uh - doing our hair! You know how long that takes!"
"...In a shower cubicle? Both of you?"
"Like, totally! Why waste water?"
In the brief pause that followed, Kanji swore he heard a giggle.
"But...the tap isn't running."
"C-conditioner. Gotta leave it on, right?" Yosuke stammered. Kanji wondered how he'd know. Kanji, right now, was wondering a lot of things, including just what Yasogami High's policy was on guys who were found in drag, in the girls' changing room, and in a shower with Yosuke Hanamura.
Again, Ayane paused. "Oh. Okay. I'll, um, just wait here then."
"No! I-I mean, my friend, she's like, so super-shy!" Hanamura's voice, shaky to start with, had begun to crack on every other word. "So you have to go away. Right now."
"But I-"
"Besides, you totally don't wanna see her, she's all hairy and lumpy and-"
In a split-second of blind rage, Kanji shoved Yosuke against the cubicle door. Fortunately, it gave way under the impact. Unfortunately, momentum sent Yosuke tumbling out of the shower with a high-pitched yelp, matched by Ayane's surprised squeak as he hit the floor by her feet.
Kanji cursed under his breath. Supposed to keep his temper, dammit, even with assholes who fully deserved to be shoved out a fifth-floor window instead of just a shower, and now he'd spooked Ayane too. Wasn't difficult, but still. "Sorry, Matsunga, I-"
"I dunno, Kanji-kun. Maybe Ayane-chan and me should apologize for interrupting?"
In retrospect, he should've twigged sooner. If a situation involved him being completely mortified, made to look like an idiot, or both, then it probably also involved Rise Kujikawa - who was standing behind Ayane, both hands gripping the other girl's shoulders.
Ayane's own hands were clapped over her eyes. "Tatsumi-kun, H-Hanamura-senpai, I'm so, so sorry! She made me do it!"
Rise beamed cheerfully. "Yep, my bad. I totally didn't realize we'd be disturbing your shower," she chirped, then shook her head. "If only I'd known you and Yosuke-senpai were so close!"
Kanji stared. On the floor, Yosuke seemed to be having some sort of seizure.
"You-you-" he spluttered, scrabbling to get up while holding down his skirt with one hand. "Rise, I-I swear, if you ever tell anyone about this-!"
"Don't you worry, Yosuke-senpai," said Rise, with a wink that made Kanji re-evaluate Yosuke's drowning plan. "We'll leave you and Kanji-kun to your special alone time. Gotta make sure we get a good view for the pageant!"
Rise had started for the locker room door before she'd finished speaking, and if Kanji didn't know better, he'd have sworn she skipped the rest of the way. Ayane wasn't quite as fast, mostly because she apologized six more times before Rise pulled her out into the corridor - shooting Yosuke and Kanji one final grin before disappearing herself.
Yosuke stared after her, eyes wide in disbelief. "How can someone that cute be so...so..."
Usually, Kanji would've figured this for just a typical Rise prank - but twice in the same day, in quick succession? Something was up. Something he suspected would keep making his life more and more difficult.
"I mean, she's Risette!" Yosuke paused, swallowed - and, if possible, turned even paler. "And she's gonna tell the whole school you and I were showering together."
"No she ain't." Kanji hauled Yosuke up from the floor again, this time by his shoulders. "C'mon, we gotta get to the auditorium."
"Whatever, Tatsumi. It's alright for you, everybody already thinks you're-"
"Don't care," Kanji snapped. "And I ain't lumpy."
Kanji would've liked to track down Rise and figure out what the hell was up, or at least do more yelling - except it hadn't worked any of the other five billion times he'd tried and he was too busy dragging Yosuke across the sports field. Contest was due to start any moment, and no way was he missing it.
"We could hide on the roof," Yosuke was babbling. "They'd never look there."
Hell, he'd made himself a dress, shelled out a small fortune for a pair of custom heels, let Rise plaster him with eyeshadow and lipstick, and guaranteed Naoto would avoid him for the next ten years. He'd earned this pageant.
"Or hey, just shove me in a locker, I don't-"
"Shut it," Kanji growled, trying to dislodge his left heel from the mud.
Hauling Hanamura made for slow going, and by the time they made it to the school building, the corridors were already deserted. As Kanji pulled Yosuke past the first-floor classrooms and toward the auditorium, the sound of a crackling speaker gradually grew louder.
"…for the 'Miss' Yasogami High Contest, and our beautiful ladies are raring to go!"
"Hey! Over here! The pageant's starting!"
Kanji glanced up. A short way past the auditorium entrance, a long-haired girl was standing in a narrow doorway, clutching a clipboard with one hand and waving with the other. He didn't know her name – only that Souji had made him and Yosuke lug a big-ass metal board down three floors of the bathhouse and to school the next day, just so she could fix up a desk.
Senpai did that sort of thing a lot.
Behind him, Yosuke let out a dramatic sigh. "Oh, great," he muttered. "One of Saki-senpai's friends. Probably already thinks I'm a freak, why not prove it?"
Didn't look that way to Kanji. If anything, the girl just seemed cross. "We ain't missed anything?" he asked her.
"Not yet." She traced a finger down her clipboard, lips pursed. "Let's see…Hanamura and Tatsumi. You guys are seriously late!"
"Sorry, Fujiwara-senpai," mumbled Yosuke.
Fujiwara ignored him with ease. "Go in here and up the stairs," she said, stepping away from the door, "and be ready to get onstage quickly, okay?"
Kanji ducked through the door - Yosuke still in tow and still muttering under his breath - and hobbled up a narrow flight of steps. At the top, Souji, Daisuke and a disgruntled-looking Kou were waiting in the left wing of the stage.
Kou let out a sigh. "Man, why didn't you guys drop out? Kashwagi might've let us leave too."
"Get real, Ichijo." Daisuke rolled his eyes. "The school could catch fire and she'd still have us out there in drag." He shrugged and turned to Yosuke. "Be glad it wasn't her who went looking for you - or Satonaka."
"Either of 'em would've got him quicker." Wouldn't have been trapped in a shower with him either, but Kanji decided to leave that part out.
"No harm done." Souji smiled cheerfully and clapped him on the shoulder. "By the way, you're the first two on-stage."
"What?" squawked Yosuke.
"You weren't here, Teddie still hasn't shown up, and Daisuke and Kou were about to take off too. It looked like I'd end up winning by default, so..."
"...you decided to make our lives even more miserable?"
"Stop whining, Hanamura. Not like you're gonna be alone up there." Daisuke tipped his head toward Kanji. "We told 'em to call Tatsumi out first."
"Uh," said Kanji.
"She's a runaway express train who's Inaba born and bred, and can kill with both her fists and her looks! Presenting... Kanji-chan, of the first year Class 3!"
"Be a man, Tatsumi!" Daisuke roared, and shoved Kanji square in the center of his back.
Normally this wouldn't have mattered; Daisuke was a soccer player, not a brawler. Unfortunately, heels were way harder to walk in than Kanji had expected, especially when they were welded from lumps of metal which had probably been Shadow guts in a previous life. Off-balance, he staggered forward onto the brightly-lit stage - and the audience burst out laughing.
He'd expected some snide comments, a few sneers. Hell, those were easy. This wasn't, and it made him think of the kids back in middle school; the ones who'd poked fun when he answered wrong in class and laughed their asses off just because he'd sewn a girl's schoolbag back together. It figured that most of those morons would've moved on to Yasogami High too.
Even the asshole holding the mike was chuckling. "She's a vision of grace, isn't she?"
Part of Kanji wanted to toss the wig, kick off the damn shoes and make a break for it. Part of Kanji wanted to grab the nearest stage-lamp and beat the announcer round the head.
Part of Kanji, however, had just spotted Naoto standing in the audience and figured, why the hell not.
Yeah, he could do this. Had it all in check. With the most confident walk he could manage in a pair of metal shoes, Kanji tottered to the center of the stage and leaned down to the microphone. "S'up!"
The laughter only grew louder. Whether the teachers had made attendance compulsory or whether most of the school just liked watching people suffer, he wasn't sure. It didn't seem all that relevant after he glanced back down at the third row - where, next to a beaming, waving Rise, Naoto was watching him with one hand on the brim of her cap. She definitely wasn't laughing. Okay, so she never did, but a guy took comfort where he could, right? Kanji would've taken it for a lot longer - Naoto had just pushed up her hat and gotten up on tiptoes to peer over the row in front - if the announcer hadn't started jabbering again.
"Now, don't rip me apart for asking, Kanji-chan-" - and here, Kanji mentally yelled that only Ma was allowed to call him that (quietly adding that Naoto would be totally cool too) - "-but what would you say is your best feature?"
His instinctive response - his fists, and the idiot was welcome to come over and get a close-up view - didn't seem lady-like. Couldn't go with his hair, either. What else could look pretty on someone? "Uh...my eyes?"
"Whoa - a conventional answer from this all-too-unconventional beauty! They're certainly captivating, Kanji-chan!"
One good swing of a lamp. Wasn't much to ask. Souji probably wouldn't understand, though, and Naoto would take it even worse, so Kanji settled for wobbling to the far end of the stage instead, muttering darkly and wishing everyone would quit laughing so hard. This wasn't going anything like he'd hoped.
With a quick wink in his direction, the announcer turned back to the audience. "After such a strong start, I don't know how much of a chance the others have, but here's our second contestant!"
The sound of irregular footsteps came from somewhere off-stage, followed by an unhappy yelp.
"An eloquent heiress of the noble Junes, she's pure disappointment from the moment she opens her mouth! Presenting... Yosuke-chan, from the second-year Class 2!"
Chie had gone with knee socks and buckled black shoes, so Yosuke recovered from Daisuke's shove forward much more gracefully. Unfortunately, she'd also gone with a mini-skirt, and the front row of the audience was pressed up against the edge of the stage. Legs shut tight and hands clamped over his thighs, Yosuke wriggled his way to the microphone and made a feeble attempt at a smile. "H-Hi!"
This time the laughter was punctuated with yells of 'Junes!'. Yosuke's flinch was visible from three meters away.
The announcer gestured toward him, sweeping a hand up and down. "You look ready to win in that outfit, Yosuke-chan! Do you often dress like this?"
"Hell no!" Yosuke snapped - then winced, coughed, and tried again in an even higher pitch. "Uh, like, no way!"
Hanamura still couldn't fake a girl's voice even if his life depended on it, but Kanji figured he deserved credit for trying. He wouldn't get it for anything else, judging by the jeers rising from the audience and the fact that Chie and Yukiko were practically bent double with laughter down in the second row. Asshole had brought it on himself, but Kanji couldn't help a vague twinge of pity.
"Of course, of course - and the ladies department at Junes must be so convenient. I'm sure you can give Kanji-chan a few tips, right?"
Somehow, this pissed Kanji off more than all the laughter combined. A team of monkeys could design better outfits than the stuff at Junes, and at least they might sew it together properly. He shot a quick glare at the announcer, followed by another at Hanamura, who was blushing six shades of red at once as he squirmed to the edge of the stage.
"This. Is. Terrible," he hissed.
"What's with this?" Kanji muttered back, catching Rise's eye again and scowling as she blew him a kiss. "We're laughing stocks up here!"
Yosuke made a noise of disgust. "Dude, what did you think this was about?"
It figured, really. Kanji might've been cool with the dress thing at first, maybe even a little keyed up over it - but expecting everyone else to feel the same way ranked as one of his life's dumber moments.
...Screw'em. As he glanced down at the audience and watched Naoto grab hold of Rise's arm and yank it back down to her side, Kanji decided it was all totally worth it.
"Now for our third contestant! She has the mildly bitter tang of the city, and she's made more girls cry than there are stars in the sky. Presenting our transfer student who's been breaking hearts in the second-year Class 2, Souji-chan!"
Souji had walked on-stage before the announcer finished speaking, probably so Daisuke couldn't shove him out there first. As he made his way to the microphone, the few hecklers in the audience were drowned out by giggles and cheers - none of which could compete with Rise's squealed "Go Senpai!"
"I really hate him sometimes," Yosuke grumbled.
Souji approached the microphone, staff propped casually over one shoulder. "Hey."
"Wow, sounds like your entrance is causing quite a stir! Did you sign yourself up?"
"Of course. Being in a beauty pageant is one of my life goals."
The girls in the audience had started giggling again. Didn't sound anything like the way they'd been laughing before. Not for the first time, Kanji wondered exactly what it was that Senpai had and why nobody else did.
"I knew it. He finally cracked up," Yosuke muttered to Kanji, tapping his left temple. "Too many Personas."
"Any words for your adoring public?"
"Just that I hope you vote for me," Souji answered, then hesistated. "And, uh, sorry about all those broken hearts. Guess I'm a ladies'...lady."
"One with a competitive streak - and with that staff she's carrying, our other ladies had better watch out!" As Souji moved to the back of the stage, the announcer swept an arm toward the opposite wing. "I've already had about enough of this, but there's still more to come. It's two for the price of one with our fourth and fifth contestants, a pair of shy Shakespearean sweethearts who just can't stand to be apart - the enchanting Kou-chan from Class 2-3, and the equally radiant Daisuke-chan from Class 2-1!"
"What're you trying to say?" hollered Daisuke, dragging Kou on stage by his frilled shoulders.
"Fascinating outfits there, ladies! Can we expect to see you in this afternoon's costumed delights?"
Kou seemed to be trying to disappear into the ruffle around his neck. "Not in this get-up, and at least I die at the end."
"A great loss indeed!" The announcer turned to the audience. "Now, our beautiful girls are supposed to demonstrate their charms one by one - but these two just insisted on being a couple. Daisuke-chan, Kou-chan, could you tell us why?"
Daisuke grabbed the microphone stand. "'Cause it's his fault I'm up here!" he yelled, with a sideways scowl at Kou and a painful screeching sound from the speakers around the hall.
"Dude! You're the one who wouldn't back down!" Kou snatched the stand from his grip. "It-it was a bet. A bet!"
"My, my...I think our ladies doth protest too much!" The announcer peered down at the paper in his hand. "Our final contestant is a last-minute, unaffiliated entrant. Calling herself 'King of the TV World', she's a cute, sexy little number!"
"This'll be great," whispered Yosuke. "Naoto-kun probably put him in a tux."
"Give a warm welcome to Teddie-chan!"
"Gimme your hearts!"
As one of the most adorable girls he'd ever seen pranced onto the stage, Kanji was torn between wondering where Naoto had learned to make a guy look so pretty (and whether it could've worked on him), and worrying that the pageant was about to answer his Big Question in a completely different way than he'd intended. Because Teddie looked…cute. Really cute. Weird blue dress or otherwise.
Forget Souji winning the contest. Teddie – a guy, Kanji reminded himself, a freaking fuzzy bear - was on a whole other level.
"This is so utterly disturbing," muttered Souji, while Yosuke twitched, coughed, then pointedly looked away.
For the first time that day, the announcer wasn't smirking. "So, uh, Teddie-chan!" he choked, eyes glaring holes in his paper. "W-What's it like being royalty?"
"It's great!" Teddie chirped. A few stray sparkles glittered around his head. "People give me dresses and Topsicles and yellow scarves and I get to score with princesses like Yuk-"
The rest was lost in a muffled squeak. Souji had yanked Teddie away from the microphone with one hand clamped over the bear's mouth, still wearing a bright and completely unconvincing smile. "Sorry. Competitive streak."
"Well. If Souji-chan can calm herself down long enough, then it's time to ask our audience to pick a winner! Which of these blushing beauties captured your hearts? Ladies, please leave the stage!"
"The girls," Yosuke said weightily, "can never, ever punish us again."
Kanji grunted in response, not wanting to release the thread clenched between his teeth.
"Seriously, this is payback for everything. The campout, the contest, even the stuff we haven't thought about doing yet."
"That you haven't. And you'd better not." Souji was slumped in a beat-up director's chair, freshly returned from a ten-minute lecture on Things Bears Don't Say In Public. It explained why he kept kneading his knuckles against his forehead – and probably why Teddie hadn't come back to the prop room with him. Meanwhile, Kanji had spent most of the break desperately trying to reattach the various parts Kou had torn off his dress in the scramble to beat Daisuke backstage, and wishing Senpai had stuck around to help. Daisuke had tried, even volunteering a few safety-pins to fix up the lace hem, in what would've been a nice gesture if they hadn't been holding his corset together.
Didn't help that Kou was still wearing the fricking dress, either. "Quit squirming, dammit!"
"Then quit using my arm as a pin-cushion," grumbled Kou. "Dunno why you're even bothering. That exchange student's gonna walk this one anyway."
"Yeah." Daisuke sighed, in what didn't sound much at all like disappointment. "Dude, he looked so-"
Yosuke coughed, loudly.
"...Looked what?" Kou's voice had halved in volume and doubled in pitch.
"Uh. You know."
"No I don't," Yosuke quickly answered.
"Right! Right." Daisuke nodded a little too eagerly. "Me too. Uh, neither."
Everything went quiet after that – and when a slightly sulky Teddie showed up a few minutes later, it got quieter still. Kanji concentrated on pinning the last few scraps of lace to Kou's sleeves, feeling happily reassured. He was just about done when Fujiwara peered around the door to the prop room, clipboard still in hand.
"You're up, guys," she said as she waved them out the door. "They've counted the votes. I can't wait to see who won!"
Teddie immediately brightened and tried to wrap himself around Souji's arm. "Neither can Teddie! Ultimate victory awaits!"
All six filed back out onto the stage, with Kanji stuck going first again - but at least he'd prepped himself this time. If he concentrated hard enough on glaring at the back wall, he barely even noticed the audience snickering.
The announcer stood by the curtain, microphone in one hand and a bright pink rosette in the other. "Ladies, you'll be happy to know that all the votes are in! The winner of this year's 'Miss' Yasogami pageant is…"
Deep down, Kanji had already accepted failure – but he still held his breath.
"...the random contestant who won everybody's hearts, Ms. Teddie!"
With a whoop of joy, Teddie punched the air with both hands. "Team Teddie's dream is accomplished!"
Winning would've been awesome, no matter how much flak he'd have taken – but Kanji's pang of disappointment faded quickly. Ted deserved this one. Besides, it was kind of like Naoto had won too, right?
"As our champion, Ms. Teddie, you'll receive a very special prize. Later this afternoon, you'll be an honorary judge in the Miss Yasogami Pageant - with actual beauties, this time!"
"An honorary judge? That's it?" Yosuke's expression darkened. "Ten million yen wouldn't make this worthwhile."
Kanji shrugged. "I dunno. Ted seems happy." Happy enough to keep skipping across the stage, even though the announcer kept trying to give him the rosette.
"Ted's an idiot!"
"The long-awaited day has finally come!" Teddie twirled in place, blond hair flowing behind him. "I decree that one of the judging criteria later this afternoon will be…a swimsuit competition!"
"I take it all back," breathed Yosuke, awestruck.
The audience erupted into a mixture of cheers and giggles - yet somehow, over it all, Kanji could still hear Chie's furious yell. "Over my dead body!"
"Or over Teddie's." Souji was rubbing his forehead again. "I don't know why I bother."
Wait. Wait.
Naoto was still in the contest, right?
"Teddie, you - you - c'mon, he can't just do that!"
Naoto. Swimsuit.
"It's called karma, Satonaka! Look it up!"
Kanji swore his nose had started to bleed.
Problem was that he couldn't check, since he'd frozen solid at some point in the past fifteen seconds.
"I swear, Hanamura, I am so going to - ugh, what is wrong with you guys?"
Think of something else, Tatsumi. Anything else. Kittens. Sunsets. Tuesday morning's Physics class.
Naoto Shirogane in a-
All of Yosuke and Chie's yelling, all of the audience's laughter, none of it had made a dent - until something landed on his shoulder and held tight. Kanji was snapped back to awareness, soon enough to both avoid bursting a blood vessel and feel just a little resentful.
"…Time to wake up, Tatsumi," Souji was saying, hand still gripping Kanji's shoulder. "I've got another lecture to give."