A/N: Prewarning: this chapter is kind of everywhere. This is back in Salt Lake at Virginia's funeral (yes, she's dead). But there is a lot of flash backs; a few from more recent times, but mostly memories of Sharon's youth and growing up in Salt Lake. I am only introducing a few more people cause it'd be too long if I did more. Also, the people in this one affected her life greatly, but aren't currently important and will just be in this chapter for the most part (maybe mentioned later on but that's it).

Chapter 13

Sharon stood in front of the large hole in the ground. Her daughter hand holding hers. She could hear multiple people crying as they lowered her sisters casket into the ground. All she could do was swallow harshly. She wouldn't cry; she refused to. She knew Virginia wouldn't want her to. Not only that, but she needed to be numb right now. Letting her walls down only led to damage. She couldn't afford any more damage. And she didn't want everyone to know how damaged she was. She didn't want her family to know how weak she was.

Noah wanted her broken, and that is exactly what he got. She wouldn't let him get that satisfaction. He would never know how bad he destroyed her.

Sharon's heels clicked as they hit the cement floor. She pulled her blazer down, and cleared throat in an attempt to clear her nerves. She tried to rid her mind of the thoughts filling it; mostly her thoughts of her sisters pending funeral. All she wanted to do was put a bullet through his brain.

She turned the corner and saw him sitting in his cell looking smug and confident, until he saw her face. His face dropping made her feel slightly better. She nodded, queuing the guard to open the cell. She walked in, acting confident, and sat across from him.

"Hello, Noah," she said calm. Her insides were shaking, but she maintained her demeanor. "It's been a long time."

"It has," he croaked. He was much older now, nearing his late 70's. His hair was grey, and he was hunched over. But he still looked very much like the man from all those years ago. "How have you been?" he asked coldly.

"Wonderful," she lied. She folded her hands on the table, and leaned in closer to Noah. "Though I can't say the same for you accomplice."

"What do you mean?"

"You're plan failed; to have me killed. Peter fell in love with me, and turned against you-"

"-You're lying!" Noah exclaimed.

"Am I? He wanted me all to himself. He didn't want me dead at all." Sharon smirked, portraying emotions that were false. "To bad neither of you will never get what you want. Peter is dead, and you're dying. You will die knowing you last will with never be followed through. I am still alive. And I know you wanted him to break me first, but I'm not."

She could see the rage in his face. His jaw was clenched tightly, and his face was turning red. She stood, knowing she had accomplished what she needed. Now she needed to get out as soon as possible before her fiaced began cracking.

"Enjoy dying, Noah," she told him. She turned her lip up with disgust and walked out.

When she knew she was out of his line of vision she let go of the breath she had been holding in. Her hands started shaking. She faced one of her worst fears, facing him again. It didn't help with the closure she was looking for. In fact, it only made it worse.

"Mom," Sharon heard Drystan and Caycee call out. Caycee tugged at her hand. She looked over to her daughter.

"Yea?" She asked. Caycee jutted her head forward. Sharon looked forward, seeing that everyone was looking at her. She had gotten so lost in her thoughts she missed the service.

Sharon nodded, realizing she had missed the serice. She pulled away from Caycee, and began heading away from the crowd. She felt a hand brush her shoulder lightly, and she turned to see that is was Rusty trying to briefly comfort her. She smiled lightly at his attempt, and proceeded forward.

She shook the Priest hand and thanked him. She turned towards the crowds, mostly holding members of her family. She couldn't look most of them in the eye. They blamed her for this, and Sharon couldn't deny the blame. She felt guilty for all of it.

"For those of you who would like to, there wake will be at Aunt Ellie's. You can follow the cars there," she addressed them. "But for now, I would like for my children and I to say our goodbyes." The crowd nodded and began disappearing.

Sharon walked back to her kids, and turned to Rusty. "You don't have to stay for this. You can head back if you'd like," she told him.

"I want to be here," he said. He grabbed her hand lightly, and she nodded.

"Okay," she whispered. They waited for everyone to be gone. Sharon knew there was a small window between now and when the person came to fill the grave.

Sharon moved closer to the grave. She swallowed the tears she had. She felt Caycee's hand wrap around hers again, and Rusty filled the other. Drystan stood beside Caycee holding her hand. She couldn't help but let a single tear roll down her cheek.

She closed her eyes, letting the wind carry her senses. It was all she could hear, and it was the only feeling she paid attention to. She wished she could be carried away with it, but she was bolted to the ground.

"It's not your fault," Drystan said out loud, all knowing it was directed to Sharon.

"No matter how much you think it is," Rusty added.

"And you don't need to keep punishing yourself," Caycee put in. Sharon could sense this was planned by the three of them, to talk to her. She let go their hands and brushed the tear off her cheek.

"Not right now," she muttered and turned away from them. She walked across the lawn heading back to her car. She could see Aibhilin standing by the Drystan's car waiting for him.

"Sharon?" She asked, seeing Sharon was crying. Something Sharon didn't realize she was doing.

"Not now, Abby, please. I just need to be alone." She pushed past the girl to get to her rental car. She jumped inside her car, slamming the door behind her.

She turned over the ignition, and drove away. She knew if she stayed that her children would chase after her. She drove down the road to the James Madison Park. After getting out of the car, she walked down to the Jordan Creek Trail, where she followed it all the way down to the spot she always and Virginia always went to when they were teenagers.

The spot had only been touched by weather. She walked down to the Creek, and sat in the bench her high school boyfriend had made her. Her head filled with so many memories.

She pulled in her jacket, feeling the cold wind of December brushing through the trees and over the creek. She sat down on the bench, and ran her hands along metal. She laughed slightly at how it sat at an angle. She closed her eyes, letting her mind drift to thought of the first time she sat on the bench.

"Eagan, come on," Sharon instructed, skipping down the trail. She enjoyed the summer breeze.

"Seriously," he groaned. He pulled the cart further down using only a rope to pull the cart by.

"If you're going to take so long, I'm just sit," she said snarky. She pulled herself onto the cart and sat on the bench.

"Oh, come on," he said dropping the rope. "It's not that much further."

"What you can't pull me?" She tested. She lifted her eyebrow testing him. He huffed, and picked the rope back up. They began moving again, but now much slower. She smirked contently, watching him.

When they reached large patch of grass that directed them to their desired location, Sharon hopped off the cart. She walked over to Eagan. She kissed him lightly, then turned to help him pull the wagon through the grass. Once they got past the trees, they pulled the bench off the cart and moved it about five feet from the creek. He pulled the shovel and concrete off the cart, and began digging holes for the bench.

Sharon smiled and took off her shoes. She pulled up her calf length skirt her aunt made her wear and stepped into the creek. Eagan handed her a bucket to start making the cement.

"Thank you for doing this for Vivi, I know she'll like it," Sharon told him as he worked.

"You don't need to thank me, I'm happy to do this," he returned. She had explained the location to him. How their mother use to take them here, and after their mothers death they didn't have much left of her. This place was one of those things.

She smiled lightly, and began started making the cement. She had never been out here at night, and thought it was even more beautiful. The way the moon reflected off the water, giving them enough light to see without using their flashlights.

"You know," he added, calling her attention, "I'm surprised you wanted to do this in the first place?"

"Why?"

"We can get in a lot of trouble for this," he pointed out. She stopped what she was doing and turned to him.

"Can we?"

"Yea, why did you I think I suggested we do it at night when not many people would be around."

"Oh," she got out. "How much trouble could we get in?" She wondered.

"I don't think too much. This place needs a bench anyway." Sharon smirked.

They worked in silence. Sharon began filling the holes in the ground with the concrete. She helped Eagan set the bench into it. They stood back and looked at the work they did.

"It's crooked," Eagan said sadly.

"It looks fine," she encouraged him. She turned to look at him.

"What?"

"The tides low," she said subtly.

"So?"

She grabbed his hand, and bit her lip. "Care for summer night swim?"

His face fell slightly. "Really?"

She shrugged slightly. "Yea." She pulled her skirt down, and threw off her over shirt leaving her undershirt on. She smiled and stepped into the water until it came to her stomach. "You going me, or did I make a fool myself?"

He shook his head, and stripped down to his boxers. He got in and closer to her. She dived into the water, abandoning him. When she surfaced she was a few feet from him. He laughed, and dove in. He swam over to her, and grabbed her hips before resurfacing. When they looked at each other they were smiling foolishly. It was exactly what they were, fools.

He kissed her softly. She was the only boy she'd ever kissed, and she loved kissing him. He made her want to break all the rules; which was why her Aunt Ellie and father couldn't stand him. It only fed the fuel of wanting him more. She needed the rules for Vivi, but she hated them. Even though she hated them, she followed them religiously for her sister. But Eagan was her secret, the one rule she loved breaking.

She pulled away from him. "Eagan, I'm ready," she whispered. He looked at her cautiously.

"Are you sure?" He asked. She nodded, and kissed him gently again. He was only three months out of graduation, and she wanted to be with him until then. She knew it was stupid to believe they'd continue dating once he left, and didn't try to tell herself different. She was a realist. But she wanted him to be her first, and she wanted to be his. Sure she would get into enormous trouble if anyone had found out, but she trusted him that no one would. She had thought about this for months, but never thought she'd follow through with the idea. She was only doing so now because she was already breaking the rules, what was one more?

He grabbed her hand, and pulled them out of the water. He led them to the bench, without either of them thinking of how it wasn't settled yet. She pulled her shirt off and smiled weakly at him, feeling self-conscious. He kissed her shoulder, not knowing what else to do. Carefully, she lifted her hips to pull her underwear down. She turned to him, and lay down awkwardly on the bench.

He pulled himself over her after pulling off his own boxers. He leaned down on top of her, and adjusted himself.

"Wrong," Sharon muttered slightly, almost disappointed. She reached down to help him. She pulled herself back up, and looked at him. She rubbed her lips together nervously.

"Ready?" He asked. She could hear he was scared to. She nodded slowly, and looked at him with worried eyes. Slowly he pushed, and she gasped in pain. He instantly stopped. "Are you okay?"

"It hurts," she told him. She shifted uncomfortably.

"Sho-should I stop?" He wondered, not wanting to hurt her.

"No," she told him shaking her head. He continued slowly.

It took a few more seconds for the pain to stop, and by then he had finished. She wrapped her arm around the back of his neck and rested her head on his shoulder. He pulled away from her, though she protested. He looked embarrassed and got off the bench. He put his clothes back on. He wouldn't look at her.

She sat up and looked at him. "What's wrong?" She asked, worried.

"I'm sorry, Sharon, we shouldn't have done this," he said, still not looking at her. She stood and walked over to him. She gripped his face, making her look at her. He eyes traveled down her body and turned away again. She wrapped her arms around her stomach, feeling almost mortified. "You're not attracted to me," she stated.

"I… I want to be," he told her. "I'm gay," he said finally looking at her on his own will. Her jaw dropped.

"You decided to me this after you just took my virginity?!" she yelled. She grabbed her clothes and put them on quickly. "Way to make a girl feel special." She began walking away, but he grabbed her arm.

"Sharon, listen to me, I didn't want to admit it to myself! I thought maybe if I had sex with you I could… Get over it. You have no idea how much I wanted to enjoy myself, and how much I do love you," he told her. "I love you so much, Sharon… And I wish I was the man you thought I was."

She sighed and relaxed. "You're still the man I love," she informed him. "This doesn't make me love you any less. I want to say I don't care, but it hurts. It hurts because I love you and want to be with you."

He pulled her into a hug. "I'm sorry. That wasn't my intention."

"I know," she muttered. She looked at him, feeling bad for her reaction even if it was just. She couldn't imagine being in his position. And though she was upset about how he used her like this, she understood his need to know. She knew that internal battle and what it felt like. Being attracted to the same sex, and not knowing how to react to it. She caressed his back and pulled away.

"If it makes you feel better, I'm bi," she admitted. She had never actually said it out loud. She knew it was true. She couldn't deny the feelings she had towards women, and she knew she felt towards men now to. In an odd sense she had done this not only for her love for him. But doing this made her want him more, and she was hurt to know he didn't want her.

His eyes got wide. "Are you really?"

She nodded, and gave weary smile. "We're a pair aren't we?" He laughed slightly, and she laughed with him.

She heard footsteps coming from behind her and she turned. "Eagan?" She asked, not knowing for sure she was correct. She hadn't seen him since she was 16.

"Hello, Sharon," he said with a small smile. "I thought I might find you out here."

"How did you even know I was in town?"

"Virginia's death was in the paper," he explained. "I wanted to come and give my condolences, but you weren't at the wake."

"I can't face all of them. Not when they all blame me."

He walked up to her, and sat beside her. She shifted uneasily, remembering the last time they were on this bench. She tried not to let her mind find the worse thoughts of the last time she saw Eagan.

"No one blames you," he told her.

"Tell that to Aunt Ellie," she said. She looked at him, and saw the young boy sitting beside her in his pick-up truck crying. She forced the memory to the back of her mind. "We should go.

*.*.*.*

Sharon sat at the table talking to Jackson, Rusty, Caycee, Drystan, and Abby. She was glad Jackson was here. No matter how things ended between them they remained on good terms for their kids. Jackson was close to Virginia and was just as hurt by her death as the rest of them. As much as Sharon hated Jackson sometimes, she needed him now. It made her feel less alone.

"Sharon," she heard her name being called. She turned and saw her aunt standing in the doorway. The woman was in her late 80's with grey hair, and a hunched back.

"Yes?" Sharon responded.

"Can I talk to you?"

Sharon swallowed, and walked over to her aunt. She followed Ellie to the back patio where Ellie sat on the chair, and looked over to her niece. Her face was long and saddened. She looked out to the lawn with a frown.

"Do you remember after your mother died and you guess stayed here for a while?" Ellie asked. Sharon nodded softly. She let her eyes close and could almost see it. She could hear their laughter as their Grandmother played with them so they forgot the pain. "I was so scared of everything. I was scared for your father, I was scared for Vivi, and I was scared for you having to live with all that burden. But you turned out better than I expected.

"It was why I was so harsh on you and Vivi, I just wanted you to both reach your full potential. And you both did. And I know I've never said this, but I am proud of you," Ellie said with a small smile. Sharon looked at her aunt directly in the eye.

Ellie was never this open hearted or kind. She had almost always disapproved of Sharon's life choices; who she was dating, her sexuality, moving to LA, helping Vivi move to Seattle, marrying Jackson, and so on. Ellie had always been hard on the two of them, and acted more like a parent than their father had. She always hated her aunt, though didn't dare say it and thought she could do no right in her eyes. And now, after all these years, was she saying how proud of her.

"I'm sorry," Ellie added. Sharon had never heard her aunt say that either. "It's not your fault what happened."

"You don't really think that," Sharon returned. Ellie sighed.

"I do to an extent. You were blindsided by Vivi showing up in the first place, she shouldn't have been there." Ellie placed her hand on Sharon's knee. "I know you would never ever have put your sister in harms way. And I know you did everything you could to save her."

Sharon looked away from her aunt and out to the large tree in the backyard. "I did, but it didn't save her. And because of me," she trailed off to refrain from crying, "because of me she was killed."

Sharon let out a shaky breath and stood. She walked over to the tree. Her fingers ran against it, and she sat down on the grass next to the garden. She moved the rock and showed a stain that hadn't gone away over all the years, thought it was severely faded now.

"Vivi, that's not fair," Sharon called out as she chased the teenage girl. "Give it back!" Vivi pulled her hand up high, and ran out to the backyard.

"You shouldn't have it in the first place!" Vivi explained. She lifted the bottle higher. "Daddy said we can't colour our hair and you're breaking the rules!"

"It's two shades darker! He won't notice!" Sharon yelled.

"Rules are rules!" Vivi exclaimed.

Sharon sprang forward after the hair dye. She grabbed a hold of it, but Vivi pulled back. Sharon's hand slipped and yanked off the lid and Vivi fell backwards, spilling the contents all over both of them and their aunts garden. Vivi landed in the garden, killing Ellie's tulips, and the dye hit the brick wall. Sharon gasped and rushed over to help her sister up.

They had tried to clean themselves off before their dad arrived to pick them up or before their aunt got home, which ever was first. But neither could fully was the dye off their skin and looked spotted. They had forgot that the wall had been covered with it.

Once their father came to pick them up the Sharon's roots were dyed, and he could see the spots. She knew Vivi wouldn't be able to lie, and she didn't. They were both grounded for two weeks, until it was found that they had dyed the wall then it went to a month.

Looking back she remembered being so upset with Virginia about that. When she was younger she just thought if Virginia hadn't seen it, she probably wouldn't have noticed it either. She didn't talk to Virginia all but once the whole time she was grounded. But now, it all seemed foolish. She would trade that month for anything. She wished she had told Virginia why she was having such a hard time, why she rebelled that year of her life. She wished she had her sister to tell. She wondered if maybe she could tell Brenda when she woke up.

She smiled lightly at the thought. She may have lost Virginia, but she still had Brenda. Then she frowned again. No one had the slightest clue when Brenda would wake up, or the state she would be in once she did.

Sharon stood, and walked past some of her cousins. After greeting them briefly and hearing their condolences, she moved back inside. She walked upstairs to the study and looked through the selves. She pulled out an old photo book, and began flipping through the pages. Her fingers traced over the ones that had her sister in them. Let the memories of most fill her. She stopped at one, and looked at it.

It was a picture of her and Virginia Christmas a few years ago, the last time she had been there. They were both smiling at the camera, glad to see each other. It was the one thing she could always count on every year. Seeing Vivi made things alright. She should have known something was wrong this time around.

Sharon leaned against the door panel, her hands drumming against the wall behind her. She rested her head back, and looked over to the clock in the kitchen.

"Mom, they'll be here shorty," Drystan told her, trying to calm her. She looked at him and smiled.

"I know, I just can't help but worry," she said. He laughed, and pulled her away from door.

"Don't worry. They're fine. She can be fine without you," he reminded her.

"But I feel she is safest with me." She knew the thought the greedy, but she knew it was true.

Drystan exhaled. "Come on," He grabbed her hand, and pulled her out of the hallway and dragged her into the living room. She looked across the room at her family, all her happy joyous family in front of her. All gathered sharing stories of their years past adventures, most joined in their stories. She heard her cousins grandchildren playing in the next room over and couldn't help but smile at their the sound of all the laughter.

Living alone she always forgot what it was like to be surrounded by so many people she cared about. Surrounded by such life and love. She was use to the could emptiness of her home, or her life for that matter. She had grown use to surprising it all down, only allowing this side of herself out once a year. But it wasn't complete yet, not without Vivi and Caycee.

Andy looked over to her, smiling. She crossed over to her and wrapped her arms around the older woman smiling wildly. Sharon couldn't help but smile in her presence. The woman was always radiating the room, warming those around her. She couldn't blame her son for falling in love with such a woman, no matter how their relationship surprised her.

He had gone to Dublin as a foreign exchange student, to further his learning's about their family heritage and ancestors. He was only supposed to be gone to 8 weeks during the summer, and stayed for his first semester for her. At first she was livid, but Jackson had signed the forms allowing him to. When he returned, he was head over heels in love. As soon as Abby had reached 18 she moved out to be with him, and they had been in separable since.

Sharon pulled away from the girl when she heard cheering from the front door at the excitement of a new arrival.

"Nollaig shona dhaoibh!" She heard Ellie call out down the hall giving a Christmas wish to Caycee and Vivi. While they were strong in their belief, tradition of their ancestors had passed down of some Gaelic traits.

The two women returned the blessing as Sharon walked down into the hall. She saw her daughter, and gave her a quick hug.

"Merry Christmas," she told her, then turned to her sister. "Happy Christmas," pulling her sister into a tight hug.

"Nollaig shona dhuit, Shi," Vivi returned.

"Aw, you guys are matching!" Caycee pointed out as they took off their coats. Sharon looked Vivi's outfit, and laughed because their outfit were very similar. Both were wearing dark blue jeans, with a black under shirt and a red cardigan over it. "We have to get a picture of this!"

"Can we eat first?" They heard Ellie asked. "We've been waiting on you two before we ate."

Sharon was pulled from the memory by a knock on the door. She looked up to see Caycee standing in the doorway. She smiled lightly, and gestured her to come in. Caycee crossed over to her mother and Sharon handed her the photo album.

"Do you remember this day?" Sharon asked.

Caycee smiled. "Yea that was the night you got Aunt Vivi to walk around the house singing Rudolf with you and Abby. I think that was the only time anyone had ever heard either of you singing."

"That night was so much fun," Sharon reminisced.

"That was also the year Drystan's proposed to Abby," Caycee reminded her.

"It was, wasn't it.

"Yea," Caycee looked up at her mother. She could see all the repressed pain in her eyes. Sharon was good at lying and keeping her emotions deep within; but Caycee had always been able to see through it. Not many could see her like an open book, but Caycee knew all the small signs. Part of it was, was that they were practically the same person with the same thought process and ideas. "Mom, I'm worried about you."

Sharon looked up to her daughter. "Don't be."

Caycee smiled lightly. "I can't help it, you're my mom." Sharon smirked back. "Question, how, uh, how would you feel about me coming back to LA?"

Sharon's expression dropped slightly. "But what about school?"

"The semester is almost over, and… I don't feel right without Aunt Vivi there. And I want to be closer to you."

"If it's what you want," she said with a still unconvinced tone.

"Do you want there?" She questioned.

"Of course I want you there! I just don't want you to give up your dreams because of me."

"I'm not, Mom. I'm not happy there in the first place. She wanted to be independent, so I stayed because I knew you wouldn't want her that far away alone," Caycee explained. Sharon reached out for her daughters hand, with a look of relief.

*.*.*.*.*

"I really hate wakes," Sharon mumbled to Eagan, who was still present for an unknown reason. He looked over at her with drawn in eyebrows. He rubbed his scruffy chin.

"Why?" He wondered, leaning in closer to hear the story.

"They force you to mourn in public, and it's idiotic. I mean, I can understand in front of your family, or a loved one, something like that; I do not understand having to do it in front of every single person she has ever known." Sharon arched her aching back slightly against the couch. "You know I'm not one on displaying emotions, and pretending to be fine is worse right now."

He reached over and brushed his hand over her shoulder slightly. "I know this must be really hard on you." She nodded, and tried to keep her mind on the present. "But I know you. You've lost so much in your life, and you're so strong."

"Not everything that I lost was my fault," she quipped. He sighed, knowing exactly what she had been referring to.

"I know it wasn't."

Sharon looked across to the drivers side at Eagan. His eyes lost and confused. She could tell he was trying not to cry.

"For God's sake, say something," she whispered feeling discouraged.

He looked at her finally, and away from his steering column. He blink a few times, and lossened the grip he had on his wheel. Her hands shook with nerves and overwhelming sadness. Sadness she hadn't felt since her mothers death.

"I guess… I guess the problem took care of itself," he muttered.

"The problem took care of itself!?" She looked at him in absolute horror now. "I cannot believe you! Do you have any decency at all!? You fuck me, then tell me you're gay! You get me pregnant and tell you can't stay! That you are still going to college, because you didn't want a baby to ruin your life! And now I tell you I lost the baby because my body regretted it! That I had to make the doctors promise to lie to my family about it! And ALL you can say is 'the problem took care of itself!?' I know I wouldn't keep this child, but god, Eagan! Did ever even care about me at all?!"

"No, Sharon, that's not what I meant," he said, reaching out for her.

"Don't touch me! I get that we weren't forever! I knew that when I was stupid enough to sleep with you! But I at least thought you cared!" She yelled. She could see he was crying, and that this did impact him, but anger boiled inside of her.

She quickly got out of his truck, and ran into the house. She hoped to be able to run upstairs before anyone say her.

"Sharon, is that you?" She heard her father call out from the dining room. She cursed at herself for not being quieter and realizing he would be in there doing his paper work.

"Yes, Daddy," she called. Her voice shook from crying. She turned on the staircase.

"Come here, please," he requested. She groaned under her breath, and descended back down the stairs. She made her way into the dining room, and looked across the room to see her father at the other end of the long table.

She hated this feeling. This distance he put between himself and his children. She would never do that, or at least she didn't think she could. She would protect them from the monsters and demons of the world. Whereas her father only gave her more.

"Yes?" she asked.

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, Daddy?" she corrected herself.

"First, can you top off my glass," he asked of her. She reached over to the glass bottle of burden and walked it across the room. She pour his glass half full, and set the bottle within his arms reach knowing he would consume more before he was done.

"Second?" She wondered.

"It's your sister. She throwing a fit again, can't figure out why. Don't really care why. Go fix it,," he instructed.

"You know, if you treated her like a human being, maybe she'd be more responsive to you," she said as she began walking out of the room.

"What was that?" He demanded. He walked over to her.

She turned to him, instantly regretting her words. "What I meant is if you took the time to try and figure out what was wrong with her, maybe she would be more lax with you."

"She's not my worry," he told her.

"She's your daughter. I'm your daughter. You really don't care?!"

"As long as you follow the rules," he reminded her. "Which Vivi does seem to do better than you."

"Because you structured her that way. You blamed her for everything!"

"Cause she is to blame! My wife would still be alive if it weren't for her!"

"My mother was depressed, and you didn't want to see it. It didn't fit into your square! Your American Dream! Just like you refuse to see anything that goes on in this house as long as it follows suit! She killed herself because she was unhappy! You really think Vivi was the only reason she was unhappy! No, because you won't pull your head off the bottle long enough for even a breath of clarity on that, or anything about your damn children!"

He slapped her quickly across the face, and she gazed at him. He had never slapped her before, and he had never done it again after this. But it was enough to build a steady portion of her wall, all of the day's events were. From this day she swore to herself to not let her walls come down, because even now, with Eagan, she could see it only caused her heart destruction.

She wished more than anything she had stayed true to that vow. As soon as she started befriending Brenda, her walls began falling. And then during the whirl wind of their relationship the rest crashed down. And here she was, with another death on her hands.

"Was your life everything you wanted it to be?" She asked, snapping back to reality.

He sighed, defeated. "Sharon, please don't go into this."

"It was just a question," she said simply.

He dropped his shoulders. "It was. I met someone in college, and he and I are still together today. We adopted and now are blessed with three grandchildren. I even got my dream job." He touched her knee. "And you?"

She looked at his with teary eyes. "My sister is dead. The woman I love more than anything is in a coma. And I'm all alone. I hardly ever see my kids because they live in different states. Though, I'm glad one is moving back to LA."

"What about that Rusty kid? He looks young enough to still live with you."

"He does, but he has his own life. When I see him, it's because he has stopped by work or late at night." She shook her head. "Do ever wonder how different our lives would be?"

He nodded. "All the time. Sharon, don't live in the past."

"40 years I have suppressed the past. Everything. I became almost a completely different person. But everything, all of those secrets, all of that pain is crashing down. I am flooded by memories and they wont stop. Everything with my mother. Everything with Vivi. And you… And that day… And all because of the one thing I suppressed the most, that night at the university." She shook her head. "I can't stop them… I wish I could. I hate the past." She covered her face, forcing down the tears that threatened her again. "My past has destroyed my future, and I have to face it now. All of it. That includes you."

"I never meant what I said."

"I know you didn't, I was just so angry and confused. And then I forced back, just like everything else. Maybe that is how I am supposed to live."

"I don't think so. I just think it was an accumulation of bad events."

"And that doesn't seem divine to you?"

"Perhaps it is," he shrugged. "But sheltering yourself doesn't help either. You can let them stay down and love like I know you can. Or build them back up and shut everyone out and be alone."

She squinted slightly. "Why are you still here, anyway?" she finally asked.

"Oh, my gas is leaking, and I have to wait for a ride."

"Ah," she added with a slight bob to her head. She stood. "I hope your ride is here soon."

"Are you leaving?"

"Yea," she told him. "I hate most of these people anyway." She walked over to Drystan and Rusty. "I am going to head back to your place, Drystan. Rusty, if you want to come back you can. You don't have to stay here."

"I can come with you," he said. None of them wanted to leave her alone right now, even if she felt alone anyway.

In the car, it was filled with an awkward silence. Sharon glanced over to Rusty, and when she was caught, she looked back to the road ahead of her.

"What?" He asked.

"I…" She began, thinking of how she wanted to word the question. "I was wondering how you and Gave were? We hadn't talked about it at all."

"We're good," Rusty said. He shifted in his seat, knowing there was more to come. Sharon wouldn't have brought it up just for that question. No, there was something else behind it. "Why?" He pushed the conversation along.

"Just wanted to know," she answered. He lifted his right eyebrow. "What? I am aloud to wonder those things, aren't I?"

"Yeah, you are. But you usually lead into something else," he explained. Sharon looked at him, and squinted lightly. Then she smirked, proud that he had caught on to her trick.

"Alright, you caught me," she confirmed. "I guess, where that was going was, are you two being… safe?"

Rusty's jaw dropped as he gawked at the woman. "You mean, like safe sex?!" he exclaimed, horrified at the question. Sharon nodded slightly, keeping her eyes on the road. "Look, Sharon, you're cool and all, but I am not talking to you about my sex life. That will never happen," he fought.

"As much as I don't want to hear about it, I need some form of affirmation that you're at least being smart about it. I know you have been tested at the doctors for STD's, but they don't always show until months or years later. I think it would be wise to wait for another test before going into that part of your relationship, if you intend to go there. And I think you should wait until he has come out to his family, because keeping a relationship a secret is difficult."

"I know, but it's different than anything you've gone through. Thanks for the advice, but I know what I am doing."

"Rusty, I just want you to be safe. I don't want you to be put in a position like that again at such a young age. I don't want you falling back into your old ways, and leaving. Sex for a teenager changes everything. You may think you want it, but you could be very wrong. And Gav has never been with a woman or a man. He may think he is into you like that, but after it could-" she cut off, realizing how similar this case actually was to her own, though it was vastly different.

"It could what?"

"It could ruin you friendship, your relationship, and the way he see's you… Hell, the way you see yourself. Have you ever been with someone you love before?" Rusty crossed his arms over his chest, and sunk into the seat. Sharon nodded, knowing the answer. "Having sex, and making love are to completely different things. And if it goes wrong, everything feels like it's gone wrong. I just want you to be careful, and really think this through."

"We haven't had sex yet," he told her. "He is scared if his dad finds out."

"I know it's hard to control those urges, but I think it's best. Take it slow, let it bloom. It will be so much better if you do," she said. "Know what you both want, and that it's safe and in the clear, before you do it. Otherwise it burns out, and your left with a confusing mess of love and conflict. Love isn't meant to be complicated. It doesn't have reason, but sometimes it needs to." She looked at him. "You don't want to end up like me. So much in love with nothing to show for it. If Brenda and I had taken it slow, perhaps things would have been sorted out before delving into that part of our relationship. Perhaps Peter wouldn't have gone after her and she would be here with me…" Sharon shook her head, letting her mouth to stop flowing freely the words in her head.

Rusty's heart sunk and wanted to reach out for the woman. He couldn't imagine what she was going through. The loss of her sister. The love of her life in a coma. He heard her crying herself to sleep at night, and there was nothing he could do to help. But he looked up to her, and this only made her more of a hero to him. But he didn't want her to see his sympathy, knowing it would make her feel worse. He decided to set Gav aside for a bit and help this woman who helped him time and time again without having to be asked. He hadn't even thought of having sex with Gav, he had been to focused and worried about Sharon.

She was trying so hard to keep this facade for strength up for her kids and Rusty, but he knew better than that. And so did Caycee and Drystan. And he was glad Caycee had decided to move back to LA. He thought it would be good for her. And he liked her enough for it not to bother him. He just hoped that she would be okay. Not this fake okay, but truly happy again like she was in New York. He didn't think that would happen until Brenda woke up though.

It was another ten minutes before they reached Drystan and Abby's house. Sharon set her bag on the dining room table, and turned to Rusty.

"I'm going to lay down for a bit," she informed Rusty. He watched her walk away with worry in his expression.

She knew he was worried, she knew they all were. But she wasn't okay yet, and she wasn't sure how long it would be till she was again. She had never suffered a loss this deep, because she couldn't remember her mother that well.

She laid across the bed, curled into the pillow, and prayed. Prayed that Eagan was right, and that by leaving her wall down some good would come.

But the good she wanted was States away and oblivious to all her surroundings. The one thing she wanted most, she still couldn't have. She wished she could embrace Brenda, and have the woman tell her that everything was all right because she was here. But she wasn't.

A/N: Sorry for the wait, I have just had a lot of shit going on again… Plus, because I didn't intend Vivi's death when I originally wrote the outline, this chapter was not prepared at all so I had to find some sort of direction for it (though there still isn't much of one). This is just kind of a filler.. Just things from her past mostly. Plus, I promised Jazmyne a conversation between Rusty and Sharon about Gav.

It's kind of all over the place. Most of this was written between 1am-4am after pulling school and long shifts (and being sick)… You guys get stuck with this shitty random chapter that took forever to write… The next one is mapped out more so it should come out faster and smoother (hopefully) than this one did.

Also, I don't know if your edits took Tricia. GoogleDrive was down, so I had to open it in word and it didn't show if it had changes or not… So, if it didn't… sorry for the shit load of errors.