A/N: Many thanks to Kharta for making an awesome fanart picture for this story. Link is in my profile. Make sure to check out his DeviantArt page, he does good work (with much Naoto).
Story so far: The girls made it through the first half of the beauty pageant, causing a revelation for Kanji and a headache for Souji.
In this interlude: Naoto's two very different Great Escapes.
October 30th, 2011
As an abstract concept, the contest had seemed simple. The reality was proving quite different.
Always talented at self-deception, Naoto had choked down her initial panic and convinced herself that the experience, while uncomfortable, was necessary. It remained vital to integrate herself with the rest of the team. She'd promised Seta-senpai as much, and if it required her to take part in such a ridiculous affair, so be it. Unfortunately, this conviction had begun to wane the moment she arrived at school.
How had an event as trivial as a beauty contest driven her to run and hide in a bathroom? Ludicrous. Irrational, too, given she was hardly unused to attention. A boy detective was an uncommon thing, and the press reports after each case, the Niteline interview, the endless letters - those, she had managed.
They had, however, also occurred prior to October. This pageant was entirely different, because now everything was.
Naoto adjusted her jacket on its hanger and smoothed out the creases for the fourth time in the past five minutes - pointedly ignoring the blue and white swimsuit draped over the bench beside it.
The dress she'd lent Teddie would have been preferable. Of course, all this was Teddie's fault. The bear had evidently been planning this scenario, possibly with Hanamura's help - Naoto had not missed the obligatory Junes tag sewn into the swimsuit's lining - and Naoto knew he was the most deserving of her anger. Unfortunately, focusing one's ire was impossible when dangerously close to a full-on temper tantrum, and she found herself equally furious at everyone involved: Teddie for proposing such an idiotic addition, Hanamura for signing her up, Chie for insisting she go through with it. Kanji, for begging her to take part. And, most of all, herself.
Naoto could feel this case slipping through her fingers. It was Kobe all over again - procrastination, inattentiveness, endless distractions. Stung by her failure, she'd vowed then to be more disciplined, and had been, up until she joined the team. Now she was wasting time on trivialities in an attempt to please her new colleagues, purely because she had no way to deal with the television world alone. There was no other choice.
She swallowed, her throat feeling suddenly tight.
This was going to be impossible.
(we-can-do-this-dontworry-easyeasy)
Sukuna-Hikona. Most of his commentary, Naoto found entirely unhelpful. This was no exception.
(not-a-coward-not-afraid-wecandothis)
The Persona continued buzzing, a low murmuring at the edge of her mind that she found hard to push aside.
She wasn't a coward. She'd managed the first half of the contest - which would have been the entirety, if not for Teddie's eleventh-hour meddling. There was no reason to be ashamed, Naoto told herself, wishing fervently that she could believe it.
...Perhaps she could simply leave. Chie and Yukiko were also changing into their swimsuits, but at the other end of the girls' locker room, and Naoto hadn't seen Rise since they left the stage. She was near enough to the door, maybe if she just-
"Hey, Naoto-kun! Are you done?"
Rise. Of course.
For a moment, Naoto considered staying silent - but her brief association with Rise Kujikawa had taught her just how futile that would be. "No. Not yet." She hesitated. "I-I haven't started."
"What, for real?" Rise asked as she rounded the row of lockers behind Naoto. "But we've gotta be back on stage in ten minutes!"
Naoto had taken her shoes off when preparing to attempt the swimsuit. Now, as they faced each other, the tip of Rise's nose was just above Naoto's eye level. This realization only made things worse. Unfortunately, looking anywhere else was impossible, given that Rise had already changed into her own suit - specifically, a skimpy yellow bikini that put more emphasis on the first word than the other two combined.
"I-I know," Naoto managed.
"So…what's the hold-up?"
Given the situation, perhaps honesty was best. "…I am unsure about this."
"C'mon, Naoto-kun, it's not gonna be that bad." Rise nodded toward the bench. "That suit's pretty tame. Looks a lot like school regulation."
Perhaps it did. Naoto hadn't attended a single swim class since arriving at Yasogami High; forging medical excuse letters had proved remarkably simple. However, a swimsuit was still a swimsuit. "It isn't the style that bothers me, Rise-san."
"Yeah, I figured." Rise tilted her head and winked. "But I know you've got the figure. And it'll be a new experience!"
The truth was, Naoto had tried a more feminine look once before, in the privacy of her room back at the estate. Not the absurd bundles of frills her grandmother insisted on sending, of course. Just a simple skirt, short-sleeved top, and stockings. It hadn't felt right. But neither did her regular attire; the bindings were uncomfortable, the boxer briefs ill-fitting, the shirts too large even after adjusting. Together, the ensemble only reinforced the pretence.
There were, however, many types of discomfort.
Naoto looked away. "It's just -" she began, then left it at that. Explaining her position would take far too long, and expecting Rise to understand would be hypocritical.
When Rise stepped forward to place a hand on her arm, Naoto's first instinct was to jerk back. She tensed, trying to remain still.
"You made it through the first half just fine, right?" Rise asked.
'Just fine' was a gross exaggeration. Being last on stage had been both a blessing and a curse; while Naoto had spent the least time in front of the audience, she'd also spent the most time backstage battling the urge to turn and run.
But she had stepped out there, in the end. "...I suppose so."
"Okay." With a quick nod, Rise glanced toward the swimsuit. "So, is this really so different?"
"Yes," Naoto immediately answered.
Rise let out a quiet sigh.
"Look, I know not everyone's as fine with this as I am," she said. Her hand had returned to her side. "Kinda like the measurements thing. Boy, you wouldn't believe the lecture Chie-senpai and Yukiko-senpai gave me the next day. Girls can be so weird sometimes."
"I don't believe most of them wear swimsuits on national television," Naoto pointed out.
"True. It's not as great as it sounds, though." Rise rolled her eyes. "Try standing in a studio for six hours freezing your butt off and getting yelled at by some crusty old director - and having to smile the whole time! Your face just aches by the end."
Naoto considered mentioning that the scenario had never sounded great to begin with - but Rise's world, and what was expected of her, was very different to her own. "It's easier for you," she said instead, adjusting the collar of her shirt.
"Huh? Why's that?"
"You are - well. You know."
Rise stared at her for a moment, expression unreadable - then shook her head. "Yeah, but I wasn't always." She paused. "You wanna know how I got started as an idol?"
Uncertain of any other suitable response, Naoto nodded.
"My record company came to Inaba looking for new talent. One stop on this big tour of small towns," Rise explained, then shrugged. "Maybe they wanted the girl-next-door feel, or a blank canvas, or who knows what - but my aunt, she was the one who signed me up for the auditions. I never would've done it myself." She gave a slight, sheepish smile. "Way, way too shy."
Naoto blinked. The thought that Rise Kujikawa might possess any degree of shyness was as ludicrous as - well, as the idea of herself in a swimsuit. "How did you manage?"
Rise shrugged a second time. "I don't know," she replied, uncharacteristically quiet. "I just did it. I figured, if it might make people like me, why not give it everything I had?"
"…I cannot do that here."
"Why?"
Naoto had no idea how to answer. Because I want people to respect me. Because I don't want to be looked at like that. Because I'm a boy even if I'm not.
The revelation of her physical sex had been unpleasant, but, technically, nothing had changed. Naoto hadn't changed. And yet, something clearly had.
As a male, she had been regarded by the other students as competent and clever - even 'cool', according to Rise, if a little stand-offish. One month later, she was seen simply as a girl who had masqueraded as a boy, eagerly awaiting a time when she could drop the pretence; as if her boy self was something to be packed up and stored away, a plaything that had outlived its novelty. What Naoto feared was exactly what Hanamura had confirmed by signing her up for this contest: that nothing had changed, except what people believed to be true. Their perceptions were different, and thus so was everything else.
Perceptions were everything. Sonoda, who had never spoken to her prior to October, was proof enough of that, as were the whispers that followed her through the school corridors. Naoto could disregard these opinions, coming from people she considered irrelevant - but her colleagues were a different matter. Seta-senpai would be watching the contest. How would he ever take her seriously after witnessing her on stage in a swimsuit? They had only recently begun to associate outside of the team and sitting at a table solving childish riddles had felt ridiculous enough. Naoto was still desperately searching for some way to prove herself to him, and this pageant was most certainly not it. Then there was Kanji, another issue completely and one that had occupied her more than she cared to acknowledge. His attitude to the contest - in particular, her participation - had been completely inconsistent, and though she'd initially concentrated on searching for some pattern, Naoto now wondered why he'd been so eager for her to take part in the first place. It made no sense, unless he was-
"So? Why not?"
She looked up. Rise was still standing in front of her, arms folded and expression expectant. After several seconds fumbling around for a suitable answer, Naoto managed a helpless shrug.
Rise frowned, watching her carefully. Naoto had the sensation of being studied - a sample in a petri dish, circuitry to be analyzed - until finally, Rise sighed. "Wow. You really don't want to do this, do you?"
Biting her lip, Naoto shook her head.
"I'm not gonna lie, Naoto-kun, I don't think I get it. Not all of it, anyway." Rise leaned back against the row of lockers, one hand toying with a loose strand of her hair. "But this second half wasn't part of the show, and that's pretty unfair. Maybe you shouldn't have to do it."
"Chie-senpai insisted that I participate fully." An insistence that had been backed up with several dire threats.
"Yeah, she did. But she just wants us to work together, be a team. She's always like that." The smile Rise gave was bright yet sympathetic. "Souji-senpai calls her our morale officer."
"Explaining why I was press-ganged," muttered Naoto.
"And Kashiwagi really rattled her, I can tell. But...well, it can't be easy standing next to Yukiko-senpai."
Uncertain of Rise's meaning, Naoto frowned. Yukiko hardly seemed at ease with her role in the pageant; if anyone, Chie should have been intimidated by Rise herself.
"Anyway, that doesn't matter right now," insisted Rise, with a wave of her hand. "We've gotta figure out what to do about you." She rocked back on her heels and hummed thoughtfully. "Y'know, Chie-senpai and Yukiko-senpai are both kinda fraught over this. Easily distracted. And you're the last one on stage."
Naoto stared dumbly at her for a moment. "You - you mean-"
Rise's only response was a wink.
"This - it won't cause a problem, will it? With the others?"
Rise gestured toward the far end of the room, where Chie and Yukiko were presumably still changing. "They'll bust you big time later - and you might wanna avoid Kashiwagi for a while," she added, with a wince. "But the guys will be too busy ogling to care."
"But -"
"C'mon, it'll be cake. We'll head over there a little late, and while I go on stage you make a break for it." She smirked. "Trust me, I'll make sure to distract everyone."
Naoto had every faith she'd succeed. After the cross-dressing pageant and Teddie's impromptu addition to the programme, the audience - or at least the male contingent - had been abuzz at the prospect of a swimsuit-clad Risette. But when Chie and Yukiko had both pressed so hard for Naoto's involvement, why was Rise now proposing precisely the opposite? "I-I don't understand," Naoto stammered. "Why are you helping me with this?"
Stepping forward, Rise placed a hand on her shoulder. This time, Naoto didn't flinch.
"Duh. We're friends, Naoto-kun," Rise declared, as if describing the concept to a small child. "Besides, it's pretty obvious that you're gonna drop out, and at least this way I don't have to listen to Chie-senpai yelling at you again."
"Who am I yelling at now?" Chie asked, suddenly appearing around the row of lockers and now wearing her swimsuit.
Panicked, Naoto opened her mouth to respond with very little idea of what that response would actually be. Fortunately, Rise immediately stepped in. "Naoto-kun, if she doesn't get her butt in gear. She still isn't ready."
Chie's brow furrowed, though seemingly more in worry than anger. "Oh, man…I know you're not happy about this, Naoto-kun, but you can't make us late! Jeez, this is bad enough already."
"Don't worry, Chie-senpai. You and Yukiko-senpai can head over to the auditorium, and I'll bring Naoto-kun once she's finished changing."
"Or even started," Chie snapped, then sighed. Once again, her expression turned fretful. "Sorry, sorry. I guess…we'll see you guys over there." With a slight shake of her head, she turned and walked away.
As soon as she was out of earshot, Rise let out a giggle. "Told you so! You're gonna be fine."
Almost light-headed with relief, Naoto couldn't suppress a small smile.
As when fleeing Teddie earlier that morning, Naoto's first impulse had been to run for the roof. On this occasion, however, it had worked. The corridors of the main school building had understandably been deserted, and if anyone had somehow still noticed her departure, they hadn't joined pursuit. After Rise had vanished through the side-entrance to the stage, Naoto had escaped up the main stairs with no witnesses and made her way to the farthest corner of the rooftop.
She occasionally spent her lunch break up here, typically during rainstorms when nobody else dared venture outside (except for an oddly excitable third-year girl who carried her own barometer.) The weather now was sunny, if slightly chilly, but the roof was still empty. Naoto hoped it would stay that way for the remainder of the festival.
...Which, thus far, had been a fiasco. Two contests, both with unwilling participants, to be followed by the most idiotic production imaginable: 'Romeo and Juliet and Hamlet', gruesomely spliced together from the only two plays Class 2-3 had recognized.
Naoto sighed. Merely thinking about the day's events - while trying not to grit her teeth - was enough to make her head ache. She sat down on a nearby ledge and began massaging her temples, her gaze fixed on the concrete surface of the roof.
...Perhaps she should have stayed. Sukuna-Hikona had made his opinion on the matter very clear: Naoto was a coward. She had made promises to Seta, surrendered to Chie and Yukiko, insisted on her participation to Kanji - and then completely contradicted both herself and their wishes. She owed the team a debt she hadn't even begun to repay, and all they'd asked of her was her involvement in a pageant. Simple.
Except it wasn't simple. Nothing was anymore. And nobody seemed to grasp this, to appreciate that she had not changed, that her secret being revealed had not somehow 'fixed' things - and most of all, that the secret shouldn't have needed to exist at all. It was not, Naoto realized, a matter of two selves to be swapped at will, male to female, but a single self that twisted and tangled them both. Her own actions had created the dichotomy, girl versus boy - but why did she have to choose to begin with? It wasn't fair.
For a horrible moment, Naoto thought back to her Shadow. Desperate, frustrated, and begging why, why, why.
Preoccupied, she didn't notice the sound of heavy footsteps across the roof. She did, however, notice the sudden shade cast over her; a large, looming silhouette. There was little question as to the owner, and Naoto lifted her head to find Kanji standing in front of her - towering and ungainly, with his hands shoved in his pockets.
She turned her attention back to the floor. "I assume Rise directed you here."
"Yeah," he admitted.
Logically, he should have been one of the last people she wanted to see. Kanji had as much talent for offering comfort as she had for accepting it, and he'd been partly responsible for this entire mess - but the fury she'd felt back in the changing room had lessened. His presence, Naoto decided, was not intolerable. Besides, he was currently vastly preferable to Seta-senpai, whom she would have to avoid for a week and who doubtless no longer took her seriously at-
A hand waved in front of her face. "Hey, you okay?"
"Of course," Naoto immediately replied, and didn't add why wouldn't I be.
Kanji gave her a look - one that seemed to indicate she hadn't fooled him at all. Before Naoto could protest, however, he quickly sat down on the ledge, approximately a meter away from her own position.
A slightly awkward silence settled over them. Naoto, in no mood to talk, had no objections.
After several long moments, Kanji finally spoke. "Y'did good."
"I'm sorry?"
"Showing up to the first half. Took guts."
Heat raced over Naoto's face. "...It's no less than the others managed."
"Yeah, but you didn't wanna be in it."
"Neither did Chie-senpai nor Yukiko-senpai." She pressed her knuckles back against her left temple. Her head had begun to throb. "And I...I didn't finish the pageant. I've no doubt I was disqualified."
There was a long gap before Kanji answered. "Uh. Not exactly. You, uh...sorta won."
"It is impossible to 'sort of win' a contest, Kanji-kun," Naoto explained, now kneading her forehead instead. "What you mean to say is that I-"
Wait.
She snapped around to face him. "Are you - d-don't tell me they actually voted for-"
"…Yeah." Kanji looked bemused, as if such an outcome wasn't utterly stupid. "Lotta people voted for you." He paused. "Including all the girls."
On one hand, that made sense. Her admirers were disturbingly persistent in their attentions, and envelopes still found their way to her locker on a daily basis. On the other, all this far surpassed any level of idiocy she'd expected Yasogami High's student body to ever achieve. She hadn't even finished the contest - which meant...
"They can't," Naoto insisted, arms folded. "I dropped out. They cannot vote for me."
Kanji frowned, then shrugged. "Well, they did."
There had to be rules about this, somewhere. Naoto unfolded her arms, folded them again, and vowed to take it up with the school authorities.
"Oh, and Rise picked up your prize for you. If y'want it."
"I don't."
Her headache had not improved, she'd won a contest she hadn't completed, and Kanji wasn't helping. Leaning forward, Naoto rested her elbows on her knees and settled into a brooding sulk.
"Okay, you're pissed off." Kanji stretched out his legs and leaned back against the wire fence. "But you - you deserved the win, yeah?"
"What are you-" Naoto began - then stopped, and let out a breath in an attempt to compose herself. "Explain, please."
"You went for it. We both did." When Naoto glanced to the side, Kanji had turned away from her to stare straight ahead, his cheeks covered with a suspicious flush. "I-I know, y'quit midway, whatever - but if Teddie hadn't come up with the swimsuit idea, you'd have finished the whole thing. Gotta respect that," he added, with a firm nod.
He was being far too charitable. His own resolve to take part deserved some sort of recognition, even if Naoto wasn't certain what sort. She, however, had only persisted with the contest for two reasons: to save face and, if she was being honest, to please Seta-senpai.
Neither motive was easy to rationalize.
"You coulda dropped out earlier, too, back in the bathroom," Kanji continued. "Could've just stayed there when I left. No way would Chie-senpai or Yukiko-senpai have gone in after you."
Naoto sighed. "I'm sure they would have hounded you until you'd returned with your quarry."
That scene had not been one of her proudest moments. Not only had the premise been humiliating - the heir to the Shirogane name, intimidated by a pair of schoolgirls - but Kanji had witnessed one of her confrontations with Sonoda. More than that, he'd involved himself on her account and been equally overprotective as he had inside the television. With absolutely no justification, Naoto mentally added, glancing sideways at him and feeling increasingly exasperated.
Still staring out over the roof, he gave another half-hearted shrug. "Maybe. But a bunch of people thought you were great."
She couldn't fathom who. The gaggle of desperately hormonal teenage girls had been accounted for, but had their numbers really carried the entire contest? Naoto found herself wondering how Kanji had voted - Rise would be the most rational choice - then switched to wondering why she would ever care. Much like Kanji's behaviour, it didn't add up.
Kanji shifted against the ledge. His cheeks, she noted, now verged on crimson. "Uh."
…There were, on reflection, a lot of things that did not add up.
Naoto felt suddenly and inexplicably sick. "Wh-what?"
"And...uh. When you were up there. Y-you looked-"
She shot to her feet. "Well, we should be going! I-I should be. The play will begin soon, I ought to look round the festival d-displays first-" - and now Kanji was standing up too, which was somehow incredibly awful - "-so I'll just-"
Behind her, the rooftop door burst open. "Kanji-chan, Nao-chan!"
Naoto instantly spun around. Kanji, meanwhile, swore out loud.
"I knew you'd be up here!" Teddie bounced over, beaming and waving one hand. Thankfully, he was back in his usual clothing. "Well, Rise-chan knew. She said I had to stay away. But there's an emergency."
Grateful for any distraction in the world, Naoto latched on. "An emergency? Of what sort?"
"Artistic. And only Kanji-chan can help!"
Kanji frowned. "He can?"
"See, Hanako-chan was gonna be Juliet, but now she's all sad over the pageant and she doesn't want to be in the play. Which makes it just Romeo and Hamlet, and that's not-"
"I ain't playing Juliet," Kanji blurted.
"Of course not, she's too pretty. That's why Teddie's playing her." Teddie paused. "And now we need a new Romeo too. The old one must've really liked Hanako-chan, because he kept shouting about how it was going to be too weird."
Naoto and Kanji glanced at each other.
Teddie, oblivious, took a deep breath. "Anyway, I asked Yuki-chan and Rise-chan for ideas and they both said Sensei would make the best Romeo ever, but then when I asked him, he said he'd been on the stage enough for one lifetime and told me to ask Yosuke, so I did, and once Yosuke was done laughing, he said that you'd really like to do it, Kanji-chan."
"He what?"
"Therefore, problem solved!" Teddie crowed - then tipped his head. "Unless you know someone else I could ask?"
Kanji spluttered, swallowed, then looked down at Naoto. "Uh."
"Absolutely not," Naoto shot back; in this case, as in several others, she was in firm agreement with Seta-senpai.
Teddie shook his head. "Romeo has to sweep Juliet away into the moonlit night and I don't know if Nao-chan could carry me." He gave a wide, bright smile, accompanied by a sprinkling of sparkles. "Kanji-chan, you're my only hope!"
"But - but - dammit, I can't act, I don't even know the lines!" protested Kanji, shoulders tensed and fists clenched. "An' it's Shakespeare!"
"In the loosest possible sense," Naoto pointed out.
The response, intended as reassurance, had little effect. Kanji's expression remained pitched somewhere between horror and desperation. "No fricking way," he growled at Teddie. "Go find someone else!"
Teddie's face crumpled with frustration. "But I told you, I've asked everyone!"
There was, Naoto reminded herself, absolutely no reason to involve herself any further. Her earlier fury might have dissipated, but she was still in no mood to assist Teddie with anything, much less this. A painfully amateurish production, thrown together by a class who couldn't even settle on which play they wanted to perform, starring a bear in a dress. It would be a disaster.
"I-I can help," she burst out.
"What?"
"I can help," Naoto repeated - determined now, yet still unable to rationalize the offer. "I can feed you your lines."
For a moment, Kanji simply blinked down at her - before giving a sharp shake of his head. "B-but you - you're working backstage. Your whole class is s'posed to be helping."
"Exactly. They won't miss me."
Bouncing on the spot, Teddie clapped his hands together. "Two Romeos! Kanji-chan and Nao-chan, both setting my heart aflutter!" Before Naoto had time to object, he swiveled toward the door. "Now I just need Ai-chan to make me pretty again!" he exclaimed, already bounding back across the rooftop.
Next to her, Kanji cursed again - this time, a little more quietly. "Sorry," he quickly added, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. "Just, y'know. He's-"
"Completely impossible," Naoto finished.
"Yeah." Kanji offered a lopsided smile, which almost instantly faded. "Uh...listen, N-Naoto, I..."
Naoto quickly leapt in. "Y-you don't have to thank me. So don't. I simply want the play to be a success."
After all, no other explanation made sense.
Kanji hesitated. Naoto watched him frown down at her, biting his lip, and the moment lasted far too long - until finally, and much to her relief, he simply shrugged. "Right. 'Course you do."