Chapter 14

Sharon entered the hospital room, earning a sad but hopeful gaze from Charlie. Charlie nodded, knowing this routine all too well. Ever since coming back from Salt Lake, Sharon and Charlie would alternate days they would come and see Brenda. This hospital had become a second home from both Sharon and Charlie.

Every so often one of the squad members would stop by and visit, but it was rare due to Sharon's now compact schedule. She needed someone in the unit constantly updating her, so she didn't fall behind. Rusty also came often. Sharon had realized that while Caycee and Rusty were growing closer, but was surprised to find out Charlie had moved in with Caycee. As surprised as she was, she was glad to see that Charlie now had a friend here.

So much had happened in the three months that Brenda had been comatose. Sharon had convinced Fritz to sign the divorce papers. She had heard rumor that he was back in AA, which made her feel better. Him hitting rock bottom was what it took, and she knew that. Caycee had gotten an internship at LAPD Homicide as a shadow to the forensic physiologist. Gav and Rusty were going strong, though she knew they were still keeping their relationship a secret. Everyone's life seemed to move forward while she was stuck on pause. She had tried to be normal, but there was no normal left for her.

Andy had been so kind and often covered for her when she came to the hospital. He would check on her to make sure she was eating and sleeping, although she didn't do enough of either. She knew he loved her in some sense, and that is why he was so willing to take care of her. And he did it without being asked or requested to. It killed her to know this, because he deserved better..

"Any news?" She asked Charlie. Charlie stood yawning, and threw her jacket over her shoulders.

"They ran some new tests. They are worried about the pinched nerve in her spine."

"Do they know if it's going to paralyze her?" She wondered. She had discussed the possibility with Brenda's doctor the days before. She had mentally prepared herself for that answer.

"They think it may temporary," Charlie answered. "They won't know for sure until she wakes up."

She looked down at Brenda as Charlie collected her homework she had been doing. Sharon moved over to the bed, and gripped Brenda's hand. She felts Charlie's hand brush across her upper arm. With her free hand, she held onto Charlie's. She had also grown very close to Charlie during all of this.

"She is going to wake up," the younger woman said. Sharon gave a weak smile and nodded.

"Goodnight, Charlie."

"'Night, Sharon."

Then Sharon was left in the room with Brenda. She sat down on the bed, beside Brenda. She ran her fingers along the features of Brenda's face. She leaned down and kissed her forehead lightly.

"Please, come back to me," she whispered. She waited for a moment, and then sighed after getting no response. She didn't know why she did this every time she was alone with Brenda, but she did. She prayed that one time it would work.

She pulled herself off the bed, and moved over to the sink. She filled a bucket with warm water, and grabbed a rag. She crossed back to Brenda and pulled her blanket down. She knew no one was down this wing this late at night, so she didn't bother shutting the blinds as she pulled off Brenda's hospital gown. Carefully she began washing her with the damp cloth. She had grown used to this as well, knowing the doctors would sometimes forget for a day. She didn't mind it, though, because that meant she could be close to Brenda.

After bathing the woman, Sharon didn't bother putting on a new hospital gown. She knew a new one was coming in the morning, and didn't want to put a dirty one on her. She decided to cover her with a new blanket instead. She was, also, too tired to hunt some poor or orderly down this late. She then sat in the chair that had worn down perfectly for her comfort and pulled out the book she had been reading. She reached out for Brenda's hand, and began reading where she had left off. Before she knew it she had fallen asleep with her head rested on the hospital bed.

*.*.*.*.*

Brenda opened her eyes with great effort, and took in her surroundings. She was in a hospital that was painted with tan and deep red walls. She knew it was late because the blinds were closed and the only light was the dim lamp beside her. She tried to move her hands to wipe her eyes, but noticed her right one was being held. She looked down to see Captain Raydor asleep beside her.

Her head and upper torso were the only thing on the bed, the rest of her was in the chair beside the bed. Her brown hair was fanned out underneath her. Her glasses were askew on her face, and her mouth hung open. She was snoring softly. She looked like as though she hadn't much sleep for quite some time. Brenda's gaze fell upon their entangled hands. Her eyes traveled up her arm, and to the blanket covering her. Then it hit her that she was only wearing the blanket. She gasped loudly causing the brunette's eyes to spring open.

The woman's face lit up, and her mouth formed a large smile. Her eyes were sparkling with glee and love. She swooped upward and pulled Brenda in to a suffocating close and uncharacteristic embrace. Brenda gasped at the unexpected contact, and pushed Sharon away.

"Captain Raydor!" she exclaimed, surprised. Sharon pulled back, knowing Brenda probably had unanswered questions. Brenda quickly scrambled and pulled back up the blanket that had fallen. She sat silently for a moment. "Could you get me some clothes?"

Sharon yawned slightly and looked down at her watch. "Its 4 am, there's no one down here really," Sharon explained. She stood and walked over to the robe she had discarded earlier. "There is this, but it's dirty. It's why you weren't wearing anything, I didn't want to put you back into something dirty."

"You gave me a bath?" Brenda asked, almost horrified.

"Yes," Sharon looked away from Brenda. "The doctors would sometimes forget to order you one," she explained. "You told me you like taking them every day, so..." she trailed off.

Brenda squinted her eyes trying to remember when she told her that, or a possible situation in which that conversation would even arise, but she came up blanket. Her decision instead rested on her next question.

"How long have I been in here?" she asked.

"Just over three months, you fell into a coma," Sharon explained. She crossed back over to Brenda and handed the dirty gown back to her. "I'll try and get you one as soon as I can."

"Thank you. How did it happen?"

"A car accident," she replied.

"I was in a car accident?" Brenda questioned. She know tried to extract the memory of the last time she was in a car, but to no avail.

"It wasn't an accident, the man purposely hit you," she elaborated.

"Why?"

"To get to me."

Brenda squinted not understanding. She wanted to ask why again, but held it back. "Brenda, there is something I have to ask you... can you feel your legs?"

Brenda felt a pang of anxiety. She tried to moved, she reached down to touch them. She felt nothing. She looked at Sharon and shook her head, overcome with fear. "Why can't I move my legs?!" she demanded.

"It's okay, Brenda. The doctors found a pinched nerve on your spine that is pretty bad; they weren't sure how bad though... not until you woke up."

"I'm paralyzed?" she asked, almost crying on the words

"Temporarily, I'm not sure of all the specifics yet," Sharon tried to explain. Brenda was clearly frantic and confused.

"Where's Fritz?" Brenda now questioned looking around the room.

"Agent Howard won't be here," Sharon said cautiously, feeling a pinging at her heart. This didn't feel right.

"Why?" She asked. Her mind ran over possibilities, and she gasped. Her hand flew over her mouth. "He isn't dead is he?"

Sharon's jaw went slack and she shook her head. She closed her eye praying what she thought wasn't true. "No, he's not dead... Brenda, you're divorced."

Brenda looked at her as though that was worse news. "What?! Why?!"

"Brenda, wh-"

"-Stop calling me Brenda. You are my subordinate officer and you will address me as such."

Sharon's back hunched and she looked at Brenda with such worry. "Br-" she began, but stumbled. "Mrs... Johnson, what is the last memory you have of me?" she asked.

Brenda growled at the clear dismissal of her rank. But she tried to remember, but it was all so hazy. "Uh, I was wearing my red dress... We were talking in my office about something. I can't remember what. But your hair was down, with that little bit in the front pinned up..." she shook her head, trying to remember more. "I think it was about my interview for Chief of Police." Sharon's hand flew over mouth, recalling the day clearly. Her eyes began to water, and she looked away from Brenda. "What?"

"That was almost 4 years ago," Sharon explained.

"I lost 4 years?" Sharon looked back to Brenda, and was now visibly crying. "Why are you crying? It's not like you just lost four years of your life."

"I-" Sharon tried but was cut off by a soft sob. She cleared her throat and tried to restrain herself. "I need a minute."

"But I have questions," Brenda tried, not wanting to be alone. And she did have questions, hundreds of them.

"Please, Brenda, I just need to think."

Without waiting for Brenda's response she left the hospital room with only her wallet in hand and headed downstairs to her car. She tried to control herself the whole way, but found it extremely hard to do so. She reached her car, and realized she had forgotten her keys.

"Are you kidding me?!" she exclaimed kicking the side of the car. She huffed loudly and leaned back against her car. She pulled out her cigarette case from inside her wallet and her matches. Quickly she lit one, and took a deep breath. She knew she needed to quit again, or at least slow down. She was now on a pack a day and she hated it.

She dragged her phone from her pocket and punched in the only number she could think to call this time of night.

After four rings, she heard the line pick up. "Captain? Is everything alright?" Andy's voice came through. She hesitated, regretting the call.

"I'm sorry, Lieutenant, I shouldn't have called. Go back to sleep," she apologized.

"Wait," he called out, "you called at 4am, something happened."

"I..." she stopped unable to speak the truth. "Is it too much for you to come down to the hospital... Brenda is awake, and I've already woken you."

"Brenda's awake?" he asked, stunned.

"Yea, and I just need someone here. Please?" she begged. She felt more alone right now than ever. Even with Vivi gone she had the hope of Brenda waking up and being there with her. But now, with Brenda's memory gone, she was alone. She couldn't explain what had happened to Brenda, couldn't tell her what had happened to Vivi... not without going into everything else.

"I'll be down shortly," he told her. He could hear the pain in her voice and knew something was wrong.

"Alright. I am in the parking lot."

"I'll meet you there. Bye, Sharon." He addressed her by her first name, making her smile slightly.

"Goodbye, Lieutenant.," she hung up and dropped her phone back in her purse.

She took another hit of her cigarette and looked up at the sky. The night clouds had turned orange from the city lights and were threatening to rain. Her hands were shaking, and she could barely hold onto her cigarette.

It was only five minutes until Andy showed at the hospital. He found her in the parking lot with the last of her cigarette in her fingers. When she saw him, she dropped it and rushed over to him. She pulled him into a tight hug. He pulled away at her tenderness. He knew it was a sure sign that something was terribly wrong.

"Sharon, what happened?" he asked.

She looked at him. She took a deep breath. Her heart was heavy, and she gave him a look of concealed emotions. She swallowed harshly.

"Her memory of the last four years is gone. Everything..." She wiped the tear that fell from her eye.

"So she doesn't remember you and her?" he tested, knowing the answer.

"She doesn't remember us, no. She still thinks she's happily married to Agent Howard." The tone in her voice was grief stricken. Her hands fumbled awkwardly as she tried to keep control.

"I'm sorry," he offered.

A small cry escaped her lips. S e turned her head away from his gaze. "I need some coffee," she barely got out. He heard her sniffle. "Do you want any?"

"That'd be fine."

She nodded slightly, and looked back at him. "I'm going to get it from the cafeteria, I forgot my keys... you, uh, you can go up and see her. She has a lot of questions and I can't..." she broke off again.

"I'll try and explain some things..."

"Thank you. And uh, leave out all the stuff about her and I, please. And Fritz... If anyone should tell her about what is going on with that and us, it should be me."

"You're going to tell her about your relationship."

She swallowed harshly. "I don't know... But I know I can't tell her yet. She still thinks I'm this ice queen... It would all be too much for her right now." She pulled the cornea of her mouth back. "I had this stupid image in my head that when she woke everything would be fine. That I would be fine. And now..." she felt her voice waver as she forced back a sob. She cleared her throat. "Coffee," she said.

"Coffee," he repeated and gently rubbed her back. She smiled weakly.

"I'll be back up there in a bit." She squinted. "I'll bring up some food too. She's probably starving."

"Alright." He gave her a small reassuring smile before she parted.

Andy made his way up to Brenda's room, finding the woman crying and staring out the window. She heard his footsteps and looked over to him. Her face lit up when. She saw him.

"Lieutenant Flynn," she said with a smile. It was weak and confused, but there nonetheless.

"Hey, Chief," he said, glad to see her awake. "Glad to see you."

"You too."

"Why are you here?" she couldn't help but wonder.

"Oh, uh, Sharon... I mean, the Captain called me. She needed someone here."

"Y'all sleeping together or somethin'?" she asked, jokingly.

"What? No," he replied too quickly. He wasn't lying, they only did so once. And it was months ago.

"Oh, okay then..." she said in shock.

"No, not okay. Captain and I aren't sleeping together," he clarified.

She just nodded and looked down at her hand. "Raydor told me that Fritz and I were divorced..."

"Yea, you are," he said honestly.

"She avoided answering me. Is it bad?"

"It's not my place to tell you," he told her.

"Whose place is it then?" she demanded. He struggled with the answer. "I could just call Fritz and ask him," she said rudely. She felt she had the right to be upset. All those years gone, and these people were dancing around her.

"That's not going to happen," he told her.

"And why is that?" she snapped back.

"Because Sharon would never let you near him... And frankly neither would I. Not after..." he huffed. "Look, a lot has happened in the past for years, and Agent Howard isn't the man you remember. "

"How do you mean? He isn't the loving husband I knew?"

"No." he huffed, wanting to give more detail. "These are really questions you should ask Sharon... I don't know all the details and she does."

"Why would she know?"

"She's, uh," he stumbled. "She's your best friend." It wasn't a lie either.

Brenda's jaw dropped. "That woman is my best friend? How the hell did that happen?"

"She saved your ass from being eaten by the system, and throwing you in prison," he explained. "Are there any questions you have for me not regarding your marriage or kinship with the Captain?"

She shifted uneasily. "How's work?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know, you're there aren't yew?"

"No. Chief, you're not a chief anymore," he briefly explained.

"Now I know that's a lie," she said with a small smile.

"It's not. You quit and work for the DA's office now; both you and Gabriel."

The news hit her harsh. Was everything in her life vastly different from where she left off? She was almost scared to ask any more questions. But one still lingered on her tongue. "If I'm not head of Major Crimes... who is?"

Flynn cocked his eyebrow slightly. "Who do you think?" he asked.

"That woman is running my division isn't she?"

"Yea, and quite well. Better than any of us thought she could," he elaborated. "She only took it thinking it would bring her up to Commander, but Chief Taylor kind of dangled the bait and threw it under the bus. Poor woman is running thin."

"How does someone like her run thin?"

"Everyone has their limits, Brenda. And she has reached hers long ago... she trying hard not to show it but she is crumbling on the inside. I can't even imagine what's going on in her head. If I were in her shoes... I would probably be back at the bottle... But she's holding strong. Keeping up with work, coming here any chance she can, trying to adopt Rusty-the kid you dropped on her lap when you left, she took him in - and well... everything else you've forgotten."

"I want to know everythin' I possibly can that happened in the past few years. Everythin' seems so different."

"It is very different. But there is much... a lot bad... a lot good... but way too much to handle in one sitting... plus, I think Sharon wants some of it to come up at its own time."

"Why can't I just know? It's my life."

"Because of your reaction." He sighed, and sat in the chair. "Charlie will be glad to know you're awake."

"Charlie's here?"

"Yea, she lives with Sharon's daughter and they are both going to UCLA... She's been handling all the paper work for you. And she's been worried sick."

Brenda smiled at the thought of family coming to see her. "Hopefully she can come by tomorrow."

"I know she will... "

Brenda tried to move her legs and was rudely reminded that she couldn't. She tried not to show it, but it terrified her. It made her feel helpless.

"Sharon told me I'm temporarily paralyzed," she whispered. She tried again to move her legs.

"She told us it was possible, but wasn't sure," he told her.

"It better be temporary," she muttered and growled to hide her fear.

There was shuffling by the door and they looked up to see an exhausted Sharon standing at the door. Brenda could see it now; the expression was not one she had ever seen Sharon wear. It was an expression of someone who was broken and held down by so much emotion. It saddened Brenda.

Sharon shuffled into the room with two coffees in hand and a bag of food. She handed Andy a coffee and set the bag down. Carefully she began unpacking the contents. She pulled out a salad, a tin of biscuits and gravy, and a bowl of soup. She handed Andy the biscuits and gravy, and kept the salad for herself. She lifted the container holding the soup.

"I thought you might be hungry," she told Brenda. "I tried to get something that was light on your stomach since you haven't eaten regular food in a while."

"Oh, I guess I am," she said. She hadn't even realized it, but now that she thought about it she was starving. Her stomach growled at the thought of food and she reached out for the soup. "Thanks."

"You're welcome," Sharon whispered. She sat down beside Andy in her chair.

"I guess you two have no idea when I'm heading home?" she tried to joke.

"They're probably going to want and run some more tests, 'cause of the memory loss," Andy pointed out.

"And at least a few days of physical therapy," Sharon continued. "Besides. You're not going back to your home. You're coming back with me. I just got a 3 bedroom townhouse, so there is plenty of room." She had moved out after Vivi's death, unable to stand being in the house at all.

"Why can't I stay at my house?" Brenda demanded.

"You're going to have to have someone helping you constantly until you can walk again. And I can't burden Charlie with that. She has a life. I care too-"she cut herself off. "It's my fault you were hit and it's my responsibility to take care of you."

"No, it's not. And I can take care of myself," Brenda defended.

"It's not up for debate, Brenda," Sharon retaliated. "You're staying with me 'til you get better, whether you want to or not."

Brenda leaned back into her hospital bed, sulking. The last person she would want to take care of her is Sharon, and apparently she had no choice in the matter.

*.*.*.*.*

It was another three days until Brenda was released from the hospital. Sharon came by every day to check on her, and everyone from her squad check in on her.

She watched out the passenger's window at the passing by buildings.

"We have to stop by your house and pick some things up for you. I have been too busy to stop by and get anything," Sharon told Brenda. "Is there anything specific you'd like me to get?"

"My brown knit sweater, please," she told her. "Oh and Joel. She is probably so big now."

"He is already at my house. You brought him over the night before the crash."

Brenda squinted her eyes and looked at Sharon. "Why was I over your house the night before?" She sat up and looked at Sharon now.

Sharon glanced over at Brenda. What would be the harm in giving the story piece by piece, leaving the bigger parts for later. "You were being framed for murder by the same man that hit you. All the evidence was falling back on you, and only I knew the truth. No one else believed you, but me... That was including Agent Howard. You two got into a big fight, and you left. You came over my condo for the night and brought Joel with you," she explained.

"Oh," was all Brenda could manage.

"I let Charlie know about your physical therapy. She is going to make an effort to take you on days that I can't, but regardless someone will be there to pick you up."

"That's fine."

"We just want you to get better, Brenda," Sharon said, soothingly. She had to fight every urge in her body to reach out from the blonde's hand.

"I know," Brenda muttered, looking back put the window. "Where are you going?"

"To your house," Sharon repeated.

"I don't live down here."

"Oh, right," Sharon said mournfully. She would have to remind Brenda of the death of her mother. "You moved about a year and a half ago."

"Why? Cause of Fritz and my separation?"

"No, it wasn't that... Brenda, your," she opened her mouth. She had told so many people their loved ones had passed, but she would always be that woman in their eyes; the woman that told them the worst news anyone could here. "I can't tell you, Brenda... I can't be that person to you. I'll tell you what; I'll pick up some papers of information, lay them out chronically and let you figure some things out for yourself."

"I have a diary," she told Sharon, causing Sharon to look over. "I have probably a library's worth actually. Fritz doesn't know about 'em, hell no one does... but I always wrote in them in case of somethin' like this."

"Really?"

"Yea, and I like lookin' back on my life," Brenda explained further. "It's a little quirk I guess."

Sharon smirked. "So, where are these books?" She asked, pulling up into the drive way. She paused, realizing Brenda wouldn't know. "Sorry, I'll try and find them."

"I used to keep them in a safe," Brenda said. "It's likely there in the same spot in this house. There's an old bench in my house on the back porch. The safe's inside there."

"And the combination?"

"My birthday."

Sharon unhooked her seat belt, and looked at the stairwell leading to Brenda's duplex. "You okay staying in here?" She asked.

Brenda looked at the stairs, and had never been so intimidated by them. Her eyes began to water, and her breath shook. "Yeah, that's fine."

This time she didn't refrain from reaching out for Brenda's hand. This time she gripped the woman's hand tenderly, and lifted it. The action caused Brenda to jump. Yet she felt comforted at how soft the woman's hand was.

"You will walk again," Sharon reassured.

"How can you be sure of that?" Brenda asked.

"It's a pinched nerve, Brenda, it's not like its-"

"-It's what?" Brenda tested. She ripped her hands from Sharon.

Sharon wanted to comfort her. She knew the possibility of Brenda's legs and had prepared for it when Brenda woke up. But now she couldn't help Brenda the way she thought, comfort her the way she wanted. She would have to tread lightly to not push Brenda away.

"I'll be back in a few minutes," she told the younger woman as she pulled herself out of the car. She walked towards the house.

She walked into Brenda's house, using the key Brenda had given her. She gathered multiple objects for Brenda, including more of Brenda's clothes, some of her books, etc. She paused when she walked into guest bedroom, where it was clear Fritz had been sleeping in. She found the locket she had given Brenda opened on the end table with a bottle of scotch sitting by it. She could picture it. In her mind's eye saw Fritz finding the necklace and opening it, revealing the truth about New York and their relationship.

Not wanting to damage the pricey item, she wrapped it in tissue paper she found and placed it carefully in her purse. She wandered back to the back patio leading into the back yard. She saw the old block bench sitting on the opposite side of the patio and crosses over to it. She pulled up the cushion on top of it, and then untied the latch that held its secret compartment open. Once opening it, the safe was buried under rubbish, mostly meant to keep Fritz from thinking too much of it.

With ease she opened it, finding it lined with small thin journals. A gat lied on top of the journals, Brenda's back up weapon. She moved aside the gun carefully, and began filtering through the journals, plucking out the last three in which had mentioned their affair and slipping them into her purse. She collected the rest, only going back as far as Brenda's last memory.

She knew she would have to give Brenda the last three at some point, but on her terms would she get them. She couldn't throw all of that on Brenda. She wanted to ease Brenda into her current life. She wanted Brenda to see Sharon in a different light, have her see how they became close in the first place and allow Brenda to ask questions. And besides she secretly wanted to read them first. To find out all the things Brenda had thought in their time together.

Piling the things into her car, she watched Brenda who was in a daze. She couldn't help but smile when she caught Brenda staring at her. Even if she knew the thoughts running through Brenda's head weren't the ones she wanted, and that Brenda was still very confused, Brenda was awake. It may not have been the exact way Sharon hoped for, but Brenda was there beside her again. And all she could do was try and make Brenda fall in love with her all over again.