Santana smiled as she looked for Rachel, who had somehow managed to get out of her grip. She saw her sitting the bench in the locker room, taking off her cleats, socks, and shin guards with her back facing Santana. The taller girl walked behind the diva, sat on the bench, and pulled her girlfriend into her arms. "Rachie?" she said in a singsong voice, smiling as the smaller girl leaned into her touch.
"What?" Rachel asked, looking up at Santana.
"Do you want to be the bestest girlfriend in the whole wide world?" Santana asked, tickling the diva's side. She laughed as the smaller girl squirmed.
"Santana! Stop! I'm ticklish." Rachel giggled. Santana stopped tickling and kissed the side of her head.
"You never answered my question." she said. Rachel smiled up at her girlfriend. "What would make me the… Santana Lopez, we are not having sex!" Rachel loudly whispered. Quinn looked over and laughed.
"Shut the fuck up, Fabray!" Santana yelled. Quinn immediately turned around.
"Sorry." she said over her shoulder. Santana rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to her girlfriend.
"We aren't doing that." Rachel said. Santana smiled.
"That is not what I meant, but… don't rule that out just yet, my dear. I have been known to be very persuasive." Santana said. Rachel snorted. "What? I got you, didn't I?" Santana asked. Rachel smiled up at Santana.
"Yea…" she breathed. Santana smiled. "For now, anyway. Keep up the so-called 'persuasion' act and we may have a little issue." Rachel said. Santana rolled her eyes playfully.
"If you say so." she mumbled, causing Rachel to glare. Her look lasted three seconds before it turned into a smile. "Now… what would make me the bestest girlfriend in the whole wide world?" she asked, copying Santana's earlier tone. Santana laughed.
"I'm glad you asked. See… I'm so tired and I worked really hard out there… I feel as if I have at least earned something. And since someone-" she said with a pointed glare at Rachel. "- refuses to have sex, I guess I can settle for a piggyback ride from my girlfriend." Santana continued. Rachel shook her head. "But why not?" Santana whined. Rachel looked at her incredulously.
"San, you are at least three inches taller than I am and you are stronger than me. I can't carry you all the way back to our dorm." Rachel said. Santana shrugged.
"That is not the Rachel Berry I know." Santana said. Rachel raised an eyebrow. "See, the Rachel Berry that I know would never give up because she thinks she can't do something. She would be more determined than ever." Santana said. Rachel rolled her eyes with a smile and leaned up to kiss Santana.
"You're sweet. But my answer is still no. Maybe Quinn will." Rachel said. Quinn immediately shook her head.
"Hell no. That is not going fucking to happen." Quinn interjected. Santana smiled.
"You aren't even my type, Quinn. You're too blonde for my taste." Santana replied. Quinn looked over with a raised eyebrow.
"What about Brittany?" Quinn asked, her eyes immediately widening as Rachel's face fell.
"Q! What the hell is wrong with you?" Santana yelled, trying to hold Rachel closer to her, but the diva stood up. She frowned as Rachel backed away from her.
"Oh crap. Rachel, I am so sorry. I didn't mean that." Quinn said, trying to catch the girl's attention as she put her stuff in her bag. Rachel shrugged and slipped her flip flops on.
"Its fine, Quinn. I know you didn't." Rachel said. Santana stood up and tried to grab her hand. The diva quickly pulled her hand back.
"Rachel." she said, her tone full of hurt. Rachel stepped closer to her.
"I'm okay. I'm just going to have to accept that everywhere I go on this campus, people are going to be comparing our relationship to the one you had with her." Rachel said.
"Everyone except for me. There is not even a damn comparison. This one is so much more healthy and exciting. What I have with you is what I have always wanted." Santana said.
"But when you imagined it, did you imagine it with Brittany?" Rachel asked quietly. Santana looked down. "Its okay." Rachel continued. Santana shook her head.
"Damn it. No it isn't. I've moved on and she is still hurting my heart because my history with her is hurting you." Santana said. Rachel shrugged.
"There is always going to be a part of your heart that doesn't belong to me, because it will always belong to her. The sooner I accept that, the easier it will be." Rachel said. Santana looked as if she would burst into tears in any second.
"Rachel… that is not how it is. I promise." Santana said. Rachel looked down. "Rach, I care about you." Santana whispered. Rachel nodded.
"But you loved her. You can't just get over love so quickly. Maybe we rushed into this. We'd known each other for a week when we started dating. You were still trying to get over what happened at the beginning of summer. I was in an awful relationship. Maybe we should have waited a little bit, instead of just jumping into a relationship with the first girl we talked to." Rachel said. Santana's face fell.
"What are you trying to say?" she asked. Rachel looked everywhere but at Santana.
"I don't know. I really like you, Santana, but I can't deal with coming second in your heart. You can deny it all you want and I think that you really believe that you're over her, but I can see how you look whenever someone brings her up. The look on your face when you saw her old jersey broke my heart because it was full of pain. Baby, you need help right now, and I'm not so sure that I'm the one who can give it to you." Rachel said. Santana started crying and barely registered Quinn ushering the team out of the locker room to give them privacy.
"You are the only help I need." Santana whispered. Rachel began crying as well.
"I want to help you, but it is not fair of me to ask you to let me into that part of your heart. I really don't want to know all the details of your relationship with her, because you two have something that we will never have. She has a part of you that will never belong to me." Rachel said.
Santana met Rachel's eyes. "What's that? My first kiss? My first experience with a girl? My virginity?" Santana asked. Rachel shook her head looked down. "Rach, you have to tell me. It can't be those things, because it is not like I would be your first kiss or your first time with a girl." Santana said. Rachel closed her eyes. "You're a virgin, aren't you?" Santana whispered. Rachel nodded. "You and Carly-" Santana was cut off by Rachel.
"No. We didn't. It wasn't right. And more importantly, I didn't love her. Which is exactly what I'm talking about. Brittany will always be your first love. That will never be me. It can never be me." Rachel said. Santana grabbed her hand.
"I'm going to say something, but you need to keep quiet through the entire thing, okay? I don't want you to interrupt me. Just hear me out." Santana whispered. Rachel nodded and Santana took that as her cue to continue. "Listen, Brittany was my first for a lot of things. She was the first person I met here, other than Ms. Pillsbury and the Dean, my first roommate, my first friend here, my first real best friend… she was the first person outside of my family that I felt I could count on, the first person I could talk to about the divorce… she was the first girl I ever had feelings for that I acknowledged, she was my first kiss, and yes she was my first love. I lost my virginity to her and I don't regret it, because at the time I did love her-" Santana had to pause as Rachel began to tear up. "-and I'm pretty sure that that part only matters when it actually takes place. Just because you lose your virginity to someone doesn't mean that you are automatically going to be with them for the rest of your lives. Sure, at the time I hoped that Britt and I would graduate and go off to college together and be together forever. Yea, I was heartbroken when she first told me that she was in love with her boyfriend. Yes, it did hurt that she wouldn't let me come visit her all summer and I'll even be upfront with you and say that it almost killed me when I gave her the ultimatum of me or him and she chose him." Santana said, looking down.
"San, I-" Rachel was cut off.
"I'm not done yet. There are a few things that she will never have, because they belong to you. You are my first girlfriend. Brittany and I were never official. You are the first person who has been completely mine, and no Finn doesn't count." Santana said, earning a small smile from Rachel. "You are the first person who hasn't just used me to make out and hook up with during the school year while their boyfriend was back at home. You are the first person who has given me hope since this whole thing went down last year. And more importantly, you are the only person that I have ever made myself be so cheesy for just to make them smile. You think I go around setting up displays and asking every girl I see to be my girlfriend? I did that for you, Rachel. Only you." Santana said. Rachel looked down.
"Thank you." she whispered. Santana nodded.
"Now, I don't know what happened between then and now - other than Quinn's big mouth, that is - but can we please go back to how we were ten minutes ago?" Santana asked. Rachel looked up at her girlfriend.
"I am so sorry." she said, burying her face in the Latina's chest and crying. Santana's eyes widened.
"Rach… what happened?" Santana asked. Rachel pulled away slightly. "After you tackled me and I got away from you, I headed in here. Before I could get inside, Callie came up to me." Rachel said. Santana's face clouded with anger.
"What did she say?" Santana demanded. Rachel bit her lip.
"She said that I was just a rebound and that I wasn't the first person that you'd almost gotten a red card for and I wouldn't be the last. She said that you would dump me as soon as we hooked up or Brittany came back, whichever came first. I brushed it off at first, but then when Quinn said that, it just… I don't know, it made what Callie said sound real and I couldn't deal with it, so I broke down. I'm sorry" Rachel said. Santana kissed her forehead.
"You have nothing to apologize for. I'll be right back." Santana said before exiting the locker room. Rachel ran after her.
"San! Santana, where are you going?" Rachel yelled. Santana ignored her and ran after her target. She cornered Callie against the bus.
"What do you want Lopez? I'm not like that and I don't think your precious girlfriend would appreciate it." Callie said. Santana resisted the urge to punch her and grabbed the girl's throat with her hand.
"How dare you say that kind of stuff to my girlfriend. You don't know anything about me and Brittany and you especially know nothing about me and Rachel! You think that you can just walk onto my campus and start messing everything up? You can't!" Santana yelled. Rachel ran up behind her.
"Santana, please stop." Rachel pleaded, noticing that Callie actually looked fearful for her life. "San…" Rachel whispered, not liking the look in Santana's eyes. She didn't recognize this Santana. It wasn't the gentle girl that she cared about. The crazy look in Santana's eyes was really unsettling. "San, you're scaring me. I don't like this. I don't like it at all." Rachel said, unconsciously backing away from her girlfriend. Those words seem to instantly snap Santana out of her rage.
"Rach… I am so sorry." Santana whispered, walking towards Rachel. "Babe, you don't have to be scared of me. I would never hurt you, I promise." Santana said. Rachel kept backing away slowly.
"What is going on?" Quinn asked. Santana never broke eye contact with Rachel as she spoke.
"It happened again, Quinn." Santana said. Rachel's eyes flashed of confusion.
"She has rage blackouts sometimes. It hasn't happened in a really long time, actually. It rarely happens, but it does occur." Quinn said, answering the diva's unspoken question. Suddenly, Santana was pushed from behind and fell into Rachel, causing both girls to fall onto the pavement. She whipped around to see Callie advancing on them. Rachel gently laid a hand on Santana's face and turned her to face Rachel.
"Look at me. Concentrate on me. Don't focus on anything else." Rachel whispered. Santana grabbed the diva's hand.
"But she could hurt you." Santana whispered. Rachel shook her head.
"Focus on me, Santana." Rachel said, seeing the gentleness that she was so used to seeing in the Latina's eyes return. "Focus on me." Rachel whispered. Santana nodded, but her eyes kept straying to the approaching girl.
"Rach…" Santana whispered. Rachel was trying not to look at Callie as she approached. Out of the corner of her eye, Santana saw a swinging motion and instantly pulled Rachel down, covering her head.
"Callie! Get on the bus. We are going to have a long talk!" Santana heard the voice of the opposing coach and breathed a sigh of relief. "Are you two okay?" she asked, helping the girls up as their own coach arrived.
"What is going on?" their coach asked. Quinn walked up.
"Callie went crazy." Quinn said simply. Santana nodded her confirmation, and pulled Rachel into a hug.
"Are you okay?" Santana whispered. Rachel nodded.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. If I hadn't done that we could have gotten out of the way." Rachel said. Santana kissed the top of her head.
"Babe, if you hadn't done that, who knows what I would have done. I wasn't completely calm yet. The slightest action from her and I would have snapped back into that rage blackout. Once I calm down from one, I'm okay, but until I'm completely calm… well you never know. You did an amazing job at trying to calm me down. Thank you." Santana said. Rachel nodded. "I don't exactly like that that happens to me." Santana continued. Rachel pulled the girl even closer to her.
"I will help you." Rachel said. Santana immediately read the double meaning.
"Thank you." she whispered.