Against All Odds- Chapter 5
Standing outside Christian's place I hit accept on the call and brace myself for Jose's Dom voice to start to tear me apart but instead I hear his soft voice. "Ana?" For a moment I cannot speak then I hear him repeat my name again a bit louder, "Ana? Are you there?"
"Yes, I am here." I realize I am holding my breath and as I take in a deep breath I have visions of him pacing as he talks to me. His voice is giving nothing away; I cannot tell if he is upset or calm.
His voice is still quiet and calm, "Can you come home?" He clears his throat, "now."
His tone is not the Dom voice I was expecting to hear so I tell him the truth. "Not sure I am ready to."
Before he answers I hear a loud sigh. "We need to talk, I got your text."
With a sigh I nod, "yeah on my way. It might take a bit, I have to go and get my car."
"I will be waiting."
As I hang up the call I let go of the breath I was holding in and sigh myself. Is he really as calm as he seems or is this the calm before the storm? Part of me wants to run back to him and apologize for that text but another part of me is screaming at me not to be so fucking stupid. That voice is raging at me with thoughts of Fuck Ana how many times does he have to hurt you before you finally leave? Trying to silence that voice I turn around without looking and almost run right into Christian.
"Fuck you scared me, have you been behind me the whole time?"
"Ana you okay?"
"I...I don't know." I feel the tears start to pour out of me and without a word Christian pulls me to him. With my head on his chest I sob. I know why I do not just leave Jose, I do not want to have to admit to myself that I am just not worthy of love. No matter what they all leave me in the end...I always drive them away.
As if he can hear my thoughts I hear Christian's voice as he pushes my hair off my face while I sob on his chest." Ana talk to me; please I want to try to help you."
"I can't leave him."
"Why not? You are not happy."
"He loves me, and I don't want to be alone again."
"Again? Ana you have me confused, this has to go with more than just Jose doesn't it?"
Through my sob I nod, "No one loves me. At least not for long, they all leave me."
"Wait baby, slow down. Who left you?"
"I have been left before. Twice but it was all my fault, I am not worthy of love."
"You. Stop. That. Right. Now." I hear Christian's voice change as he pushes me back to stare down into my eyes. "Never ever talk about yourself that way again. Ana you cannot see what I see and you do not realize how special you are. You are so worthy of love but of a true love not this asshole that keeps hurting you. Why can't you see that?"
"Because." I try to explain through hiccups from sobbing. "He loves me."
"So what! Others love you too. Does that mean you should let them treat you like that?"
"Christian."
"No Ana stop, your past is your past. So you have been left before, haven't we all at some point? That does not mean that the rest of your life you are worthless."
"I..." My voice fails me as the tears start again then my cell goes off with a text. Glancing at it I see it is a picture of flowers. Not just any flowers but my favorite sitting in a vase next to our bed. "Fuck Christian I cannot do this right now."
"It that from him?"
"Yeah I need to deal with him first. Will you take me to my car?"
"You are sure you are okay?"
"I am, for now."
"Okay brat I will let you go for now but this talk is not over." He waves the keys at me and with that we head off to the bar from last night.
In his car we ride in silence until I cannot stand it anymore. I glance over at him and whisper. "Look I know you are only looking out for me. Thank you for caring."
Suddenly Christian swerves off the road to park as he turns to me I see his eyes are bright and he looks straight at me but grips the steering wheel so hard his knuckles are white. His voice is deep and intense, "I do more than just worry about you. Ana you told me lots of things not just the other night but last night and all those things make me worry about you. He treats you like property, is that what you want?"
"Property?"
"Like something he owns to use when he wants and to just ignore when he is bored of it."
"You think he is bored of me?"
Fuck, no stop. Wait." Christian took his hands off the steering wheel to run through his hair before he reaches over to grab both of my hands. "He treats you like he has you so he doesn't have to care to impress you anymore. He seems to not care how you are feeling from day to day. You told me yourself that you feel invisible."
Choking on tears I stared at him, "I do, I feel like I do not matter...maybe I do bore him."
"Stop that, you are not boring. Look at you Ana! LOOK!" He lets go of my hands to pull down the visor over my head to make the mirror pop in front of me. I stare at my reflection as he speaks. "You are beautiful, you are funny, and you are cute when you are being a brat. Ana you are not boring in any way."
I turn my head to look over at him, "Christian, thank you for all that. You are the only one I have ever shared all this with. I hate burdening you."
Leaning over toward me so quickly it scares me that he is coming to kiss me I can only stare. My heart races and I lean closer but he stops to kiss my cheek. Closing my eyes I let myself get lost in that touch. His lips graze my cheek and my body shakes. I want so much more but I know it's wrong so I just stare at him. "You are not burdening me but yourself. You should have shared sooner then it would be easier to save you."
"You cannot save me, I told you I have to do that myself but I..." I stop and bite my lip. "I like that you want to help me." My heart races and I know what I wanted to say but I can't, I just cannot bring him into this mess. "Please drive."
Without a word Christian turns back his attention to driving and as he does I lean back staring at him. Just the way he talks shows how he cares about me but is there more to it? I know there is on my side but it scares me. Suddenly I have to know. "Christian?"
"Yeah." He asked with his focus on the road.
I bite my lip hard and then whisper, "You don't have feelings for me do you?"
Watching his face closely, I swear that I see his jaw tighten for a moment but he quickly answers me, "as my best friend yes Ana. I want you safe; does that mean I have to be in love with you?"
I see him glance over at me and I shrug my shoulders, "no I guess not."
The rest of the ride is silent as we listen to the radio. I worry that I should not have asked him that question but I cannot take it back now. Stopping by my car Christian grabs my hand before I can get out of the car, "Ana I need to hear from you tonight. So I know you are okay, please let me know. Last night is the first time I haven't worried about you."
"Because you knew where I was."
"Because I could see you and know you were safe." He leaned forward stopping again as we were almost nose to nose. Before I could move he kissed my cheek again and moved back. "I will show up at your place at midnight if you do not text."
"I will text I promise." Moving to my car I try to not worry what I am going to come home too. If he wants me to leave would he have bothered to sound so sweet? If it is over I will walk out with my head high. I know that I have at least one friend I can run to. With that thought in mind, I drive home slowly.
At our house I sigh and head inside to find the lights out, the house is dark. "Jose?"