Edit 6/20/13: I can't believe I called Sanji's nemesis, the Okamas, "Otakus." Lol. Fixed now! Thanks, anon reviewer, for pointing that out!
Sanji was arguing with Nami.
It was surreal.
"You do know that all this time I've been keeping track of how much debt you've accumulated, right?" Nami snapped. Her eyes threw brilliant orange sparks that danced in sync with Brook's cheerful violin and the sizzling fire under the pan. Sanji frowned at her over her shoulder, hands keeping time with stirring spoons and chopping blocks.
"Since when have I ever done anything to warrant a debt?" she asked.
Nami smirked and tossed back her hair. "Easy. In the New World alone you attempted to grope me nine times -"
"I did not!"
"- tried to peek at me in the bath eighteen times -"
"Well, that was..."
"- and made a horrendous display of your extremely perverted thoughts -"
"Agh -"
"- excessive servility -"
"Wait, how is that -"
"- and obnoxious flirtations over seventy times. I could go on, but I think you catch my drift."
Sanji worried a cigarette. "Yeah, yeah," she scowled, "you're a money-hording bitch, I get it. Now what's the shitty point?"
Nami jerked her thumb at the sounds of laughter and out-of-tune singing outside the kitchen door. "If you suck up to Luffy too much, you'll have me to answer for," she said. "It's my belli we're using to buy his meat, you know. And it'll take a while before we reach the next island."
Sanji rolled her eyes. "Sorry, but I don't like taking orders from women."
"Sanji," Nami snapped, slamming her palms down on the counter and leaning forward.
"Did you really think I'm so stupid as to risk the crew starving just because Luffy says he's hungry? I'm not just a love-struck idiot; I know what my responsibilities are." She added, "You shouldn't have to worry about the cook's duties, anyways. You're our navigator."
Nami blinked, leaned back, and sighed. "I know that," she muttered. "I know you can handle things. You're Sanji, after all. But it's just..." She paused, and fiddled with the bracelet on her wrist.
"Are you really okay?" she asked.
Sanji looked up as she waited for the soup to warm, and blew a stream of cigarette smoke into the navigator's face. Nami didn't blink, only shook her head and gave the cook a pointed glare.
"I'm fine," Sanji snapped.
"Really."
"Yes, really." She tasted the soup. It needed more tang. She picked up an orange (purchased from the last island) and started to grate the peel, trying to ignore the raised eyebrow Nami was giving her.
"This is kind of weird, you know," Nami said finally. Sanji looked up apprehensively, but Nami was smiling. "You always acted so differently towards Robin and I."
"Oh, yeah, that." Sanji scowled, doing her best to effect complete disinterest in order to hide her embarrassment. "I'm a woman too, now. I won't act like that again until I turn back - if I turn back into a man. You got a problem with it?"
She tapped her leg threateningly, a piece of her mind wondering if it was even possible to kick Nami, their incorrigible navigator with an indomitable will, and whether Sanji would ever regain her sanity on this ship if she did - because kicking Nami was different from kicking Usopp, because Nami was Nami. And ever since Sanji had found herself decidedly attracted to men and decidedly feeling like a woman, she had been almost afraid (except Sanji was never afraid, Sanji simply did not do fear, man or not, she told herself) of returning to the ship. She felt that something fundamental about her place on the Sunny would shift; her relationships with the crew, with Nami and Robin, with Luffy.
But Nami did not cower the way Usopp did, or glower the way Zoro did. She laughed, and waved her hand as if to sweep away a cobweb. "No, it's kind of nice, actually. This other side of you is fun to tease, and you try so hard to be a bitch that it's cute." She spun on her three-inch heels and made her way to the kitchen door.
The blush betrayed Sanji fast. "I - that's not - what!?" she sputtered.
"Oh, and Sanji dear?" With one palm around the door frame Nami leaned back jauntily, a wicked grin playing on her pretty face. "If you're fine with being a girl, then I'm sure you'll be fine sleeping in the girls' room tonight. Which means you'd better listen to the one giving you your bed." And she stuck out her tongue and winked, and the way she did it - she could charm the prices down to ninety percent off in fifteen different department stores.
The irony of her situation did not escape her. Sanji leaped over the counter and screeched, "I'll take care of Luffy, so just get out of my fucking kitchen, damn it!" But Nami had already left, her laughter tinkling like ice cubes in lemonade.
Sanji seethed at the empty doorway, until the sweet tobacco smoke permeated her lungs and calmed her significantly.
Nami was Nami, alright.
She caught herself grinning stupidly, hastily replaced it with a scowl, and went back to cooking. She willed the humiliated blush to fade from her ears.
The kitchen door swung open.
"Hey. More sake."
The blush promptly evaporated.
"Get it yourself, shitty swordswoman! What am I, your maid!?"
"Shut up."
The soup was ready. She poured it into nine bowls and balanced everything on a tray, humming to herself under her breath. She was already imagining the men enjoying her food with their big healthy appetites, showing their appreciation (undoubtedly deserved) for the meal through their energy. How could she ever have thought them to be disgusting and ill-mannered? She shuddered at the mere thought of her, the graceful lady who never failed to serve, actually kicking such proud, handsome creatures as men. Men were just so...manly. It wouldn't be right.
Zoro got her sake and went back on deck. Sanji didn't mind her. There were more important people to attend to, such as Usopp and Franky and Chopper and Brook, and that absolutely beautiful marine. And Luffy. Ah, yes. Luffy.
She sat down cross-legged at the helm of the ship with three white ochoko and a tall bottle of alcohol tucked in the crook of her arm.
"Want some?"
Across from her, Robin dipped her head slightly and smiled. "Thank you Zoro," she said, and politely accepted a cup.
The marine Captain shook his head. He was kneeling stiffly with head slightly bowed and eyes shadowed by his bangs, his fists clenched over his thighs.
Zoro shrugged. "More for me, then," she chuckled, and poured the alcohol into Robin's cup before filling her own.
Robin observed her under the warm deck lights. They were slightly removed from the rest of the party, up higher on the wooden helm, and she took the opportunity to better evaluate the subtle changes that had taken place in Zoro. She had never been offered a drink by Zoro before; the cook had always provided her with aged wines and elaborate cocktails, while Zoro had traditionally consumed his drink in inelegant tankards and hoarded it jealously. The pale ceramic was cool and smooth in her fingers.
Well, this was an interesting change of pace, to say the least.
"And there's the shit cook," Zoro said, looking at the grassy deck. Her voice was almost similar to Robin's in pitch, but it contained in it a certain gravel, a predatory readiness that clashed, for the moment, with a begrudging fondness.
Sanji was twirling amongst the five remaining Strawhat men, paying special compliments to Usopp and unsuccessfully managing Luffy's food intake before the navigator stepped in to help, with her fist.
Robin smiled as she brought the ochoko to her lips. "Sanji seems to be faring quite well." The sake was warm, and it glided pleasantly down her throat. "You look rather comfortable with this arrangement yourself, Zoro."
Her gaze shifted from Sanji to Robin, and she raised an eyebrow. "Do I?"
"Of course. Much more comfortable than the marine beside us, surely."
The formerly female marine looked up sharply at Robin. He realized his mistake almost immediately, but was too stubborn to lower his gaze again. He matched her cool blue eyes, pouting slightly.
"Whatever." Zoro threw the entire cup of alcohol down her throat and immediately poured herself another. In this, Robin thought with quiet mirth, she was exactly the same as her male self. "Doesn't make much difference to me, that's all."
"That has to be a lie," the marine spat. "You think women are weaker than men. I know you do."
Zoro barked a short laugh. "Ninety-nine percent of all marines, male or female, would have their asses handed to them on a silver platter if they dared mess with Robin. Or Nami, for that matter."
"Why thank you, Zoro." Robin smiled, and wondered if this feminized Zoro would be so unusually forthcoming to the male crew members, as well.
"And there you have it. I don't think women are weaker."
The marine tensed, knuckles grinding against the wooden helm as he leaned forward. "Then why don't you fight us!?"
Zoro only swallowed another shot. "You're slipping again. Are you a man or a woman? Hurry up and decide."
The marine flinched back, as if struck across the face.
From the party, the familiar tread of dress shoes on grass rose up to Robin's ears; along with a sugary voice.
"Tashigi, love of my life, great storm of my affection! Here I present to you the fruits of my labors -"
"Behind you, cutting board," Zoro said without even looking.
Sanji whirled around and screeched as a rubber hand stretched towards the remaining three bowls of soup. "Luffy, dear!" she implored, desperately trying to dance out of reach. "I'll make you another snack later, so please be patient and wait for Tashigi to have his share!"
"But Saaaaanji -"
"Stop pestering Sanji, you idiot!"
"Ow!"
"Nami, you shitty bitch! Stop disfiguring poor Luffy's adorable face!"
"The price for sleeping in the girls' room is going steadily up, up, up, Sanji!"
"Shit!"
Zoro laughed. Robin's eyes widened slightly at the sheer brightness of the sound, then she laughed as well, softer.
Sanji stomped up the stairs to the helm in a huff, but her expression immediately melted when she caught sight of the marine. She straightened, brushed off the front of her silk suit (still wrinkled with salt water), and strode forward with love printed in the soles of her shoes.
"Your potage, Tashigi," she crooned.
The marine flinched again, and glared at the tray offered him.
"He isn't hungry." A brown hand snaked toward the bowls. "Stop trying to spoon-feed him, you sick freak."
"Wha - I wasn't trying to spoon-feed anybody, you green-haired freak!" Sanji screeched, and she jerked the tray up high and attempted to stomp on Zoro's hand. She succeeded in cracking the wooden floor. "And gentlemen first!"
"Hey, it's supposed to be ladies first, idiot!"
"You're hardly a lady, you're a cavewoman! Tashigi comes first!"
"And I suppose I am second, Sanji?" Robin asked, pure amusement in her face.
Sanji blinked. "Ah, well - yeah. At least you're an actual lady, I mean," she shrugged, "that's better than this lump of moss at my feet."
"Hey!"
Robin laughed. "What a marked contrast to your usual behavior."
"Yeah, I," she cleared her throat, "I seem to be getting that a lot." She shifted her balance uncomfortably, pinned by Robin's eyes and required by unspoken law to say what the archaeologist would like to know. Because Robin knew - and there was someone there who needed to hear the explanation from the cook's own lips. "I mean, I could have just acted like I always had. But there are roles people have to play, you know. I'm a cook. I'm a pirate. And I was a man, but now that I'm a woman, I'll be a woman, whether it's only temporary or for the rest of my life."
Zoro smirked. "Awfully bold words for someone who was screaming bloody murder at her boobs."
She blushed. "Your mouth is a fucking piece of shit! I was surprised, okay? It really sucked at first. But then I figured, yeah, I'm definitely a woman now; so I'll be proud of it, and do it properly. Because if I didn't, I'd be just like one of those shit-awful Okamas from Hell - I'd be acting like a man with the body of a woman, which isn't much different from acting like a woman with the body of a man - and that's a level I refuse to fall down to (again)." She jerked a thumb to her chest. "I'm Sanji of the Black-leg Style, dammit! And I don't do things halfway!"
The marine pressed his lips together tightly. Robin watched, and noticed that Zoro had seen his subtle reaction as well.
"I suppose this means you can kick women now?" she said to Sanji. Under full scrutiny she blossomed a hand and slid a bowl of soup into her rooted palms.
"Gah-!" Sanji gaped at the last two bowls of soup, and then shot Robin a furious, threatening look. Robin simply looked back, smiling mysteriously. Sanji's expression quickly faded into a slightly sheepish apology. The cook might be willing to kick women now; but the two Strawhat women would always be off limits. Robin had to stifle another laugh.
Zoro tried to do the same thing. Sanji promptly whirled a kick at her head.
"Hey! How come she gets one and I don't!?"
"I said, Tashigi comes first! I hate women without class - you try that again and you'll get your shitty head kicked in!"
Zoro growled, and lunged.
They proceeded to wrestle, one with a foot, one with a hand, and were immediately caught in a very intense stalemate. Robin blossomed a few more hands and very carefully passed a bowl down from the tray to the marine. She laid it with a faint click in front of his knees.
"It's not poisoned, I assure you," Robin said with a smile.
The marine Captain looked up at her. "I know it's not poisoned," he hissed. "You people aren't like that."
Robin nodded. "Of course. I know a certain pirate captain who would be delighted to drink the soup if you do not, though." She sipped her own soup, and reveled in the distinctive balance of spice and warmth that always characterized Sanji's cooking.
The marine sighed, and picked up his bowl. It was still steaming.
"...Why such different roles?" he muttered under his breath. "It is only biology. Men and women both function the same; they are both human; men are simply naturally stronger. It is only biology. That is the only difference. Only a fool would wish to be weaker if given the option, surely?" He drank the soup slowly at first, but soon swallowed it greedily, betraying how truly hungry he was. When he was done, he frowned at the empty bowl.
Robin smiled from behind her hand. "I am ill-suited to answer. I believe this matter is best discussed with a fellow wielder of the sword, proud Captain of the G-5."
He met her eyes, and nodded.
Night on the pirate ship. Sleepily, contentedly, everyone helped clean up after the party and filed first into the bathroom and then into the chambers. There had been a brief discussion about what clothes the three Cursed should change into after bathing, but at the suggestion Black-leg and Tashigi looked at each other and agreed silently that they were still not quite ready to...be so familiar with their bodies. It would lead to some highly awkward situations, after all, if they did end up returning to their original genders. Black-leg quickly beat the same idea into Roronoah's brain (unfortunately after the doctor had already bandaged her chest). So the ocean salt and the salt-stained clothes remained.
"So where do you wanna sleep?" Strawhat asked Tashigi between yawns. They stood on the grass, the rest of the crew already preparing for sleep inside the ship.
Tashigi blinked. "Uh..."
"There're sofas by the table. But you're glasses girl, so maybe you wanna sleep with Nami and Robin?"
"But - I'm a marine. And you're pirates." Different roles. How could he trust him to be in the same room as his sleeping crew?
Strawhat blinked back at him. "So? You're a good guy. You can sleep where you want."
The roles evaporated like dust in Tashigi's hands.
"Hey, Luffy." Roronoah stepped out from the shadows of a doorway. "You've got second watch. Get some sleep."
"Awwww, Zorooooooo!" he whined, but broke off in a yawn, exactly like a child who is tired but nonetheless unwilling to go to bed. Tashigi pursed her lips. Did that make Roronoah like a mother - no no no, stop thinking, brain. Just...stop.
"Shut up and go to sleep already. And close the door behind you, I've got first watch."
"...M'kayyyy..."
Strawhat stepped past his first mate and disappeared into the men's chambers, shutting the door as he was told. Roronoah stood silently. Tashigi stared at her figure under the moonlight, uncertain.
Finally, she spoke. "It's on you," she said, and cut across the grass to reach the foremast. She grabbed onto the ropes and swung up.
She was headed to the crow's nest, and it seemed clear to Tashigi that she intended for him to follow. Hesitantly, he wrapped his palms around the lower ropes and began to climb.
Words of the Sheep: Sanji's explanation for his intense homophobia is just for this story - Oda probably just meant for it to be comedic. I didn't quite intend matters of sexual identity to play a big role in here, but I needed it to explain Sanji's reaction; and now I need to explain, for my own sake, that his views do not reflect my own. (I am a total Zoro. As you can probably tell.) Just wanted to make sure I didn't offend anyone.
Also, I am convinced that Sanji's mouth contains some sort of superhuman filter that allows him to smoke and be a literally kickass cook. Because in real life, cooks cannot smoke. It's like, really bad - kills your tastebuds and your lungs in addition to getting into the food. (But Sanji makes smoking while tasting his cooking an art form, so it's okay.)
Also, I call Robin's normal hands/limbs/self "rooted" and everything else "blossomed" cuz she's like, a flower or whatever. Flower power. It just sounds cool to me.
Also, I had to do embarrassingly extensive research on the Thousand Sunny's layout. Geez it's gorgeous and complicated. I don't remember ever actually seeing Zoro climb up to the Crow's Nest, so this is mostly based on what the Wiki said.
Also, so many TashigiFans zomg! I love you, and all my reviewers and favs and followers and readers in general. Please be patient with me TT - TT Summer vacation, as it turns out, is not a vacation at all when you're me.