"I kicked Ade out last night."

Janet had been meaning to keep it quiet, not tell anyone at work. But telling Rachel didn't really feel like telling people. Janet turned away, not wanting to show the tears forming behind her eyes.

Rachel was stunned. She had figured something was up with Janet today. But this. This was... She knew Janet and Ade had their problems, that the marriage was not particularly joyous, but it had always seemed so permanent, so set-in-stone.

Janet moved towards the car. She wanted to get out of there, get moving, get back to work. Ok, so she wasn't doing too well at not thinking about it so far whilst working, but it was better than standing around feeling sorry for herself.

Janet's movement jolted Rachel out of her stupor. She darted forward, reached out a hand. Her mouth opened to say... something, then she realised that she couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't absolutely stupid. Are you ok? Well obviously not. She touched Janet's arm anyway, hoping to convey some kind of silent sympathy.

Janet froze. She turned on the spot, very stiff. Blinked hard. Brought her eyes round to meet Rachel's.

'Not here.' Her head jerked towards the house they had just visited. The windows were wide and, potentially, watching. The victim's wife did not need to see the detectives who were supposed to be solving her husband's murder falling to pieces in the middle of the street.

Rachel nodded. She gave Janet's arm a squeeze and turned it into a gentle push. She moved towards the car herself. Janet was right of course – not here. Trust Jan to be thinking of others, thinking about doing things properly, even when she felt like shit. Rachel glanced over at her as she fastened her seat belt. Janet had the look of a person who desperately needed to decompress. Gone very small and still and tight. Brittle as glass.

Janet zoned out again as the engine started and the car pulled away. It wasn't thinking so much as her brain simply playing emotional white noise at her. Though she kept getting faint flickering signals underlying the general sfhsfhshsfshshsshfshh. Like echoes, not thoughts. She didn't even realise she was replaying the details of last night until after she snapped out of it. Which she did, again, when the car stopped. She was going to have to talk now. What was there to say?

Janet looked out of the window, confused. Where the hell where they?

When Rachel started the car, she had no clear idea what she was doing, where she was going. She had to get them away from there; not back to the office yet. They were right on the edge of the city, suburbs breaking up into scrappy countryside, there had to be a quiet spot somewhere about. Rachel drove uphill, further out, looking for a good place to pull over. She found it on a stretch of road with a long high fence on one side, and a boring sort of park on one side – nothing much going on at this time of day. As she killed the engine, she was already turning to Janet.

Janet felt Rachel's hand on her arm again. She looked up to find Rachel's eyes on her, Rachel's face patient and open, waiting, listening. Concerned. After the night she had just had – comforting Taisie, telling the girls it was not their fault, patiently explaining to her Mum that it had nothing to do with her really, repeating over and over that it was going to be ok; after the last God-knows-how-long of coming home to Ade's miserable disinterest, of everyone wanting, expecting something from her, even Andy... it was so strange to face this quiet acceptance, to have someone care how she felt. Tears pricked at the back of Janet's eyes. She didn't care. She knew she didn't. So why did it hurt? She didn't want to think about it all. Her mouth twitched. The tears came for real.

Rachel hated tears. She hated seeing people cry, especially people she cared about. She couldn't cope with it. When it was strangers it often came out as anger or disgust. But when it was someone she was close to it hurt. So when Janet looked at her, eyes welling and cheeks wet, mouth gone all slippery, Rachel ached so much she almost felt sick.

'Eh come here.' She was gentle though. She felt like she couldn't get her arms round Janet fast enough but she forced herself to move slowly. She twisted in her seat so she could put her hands on Janet's shoulders. She held her there for a moment, giving her a chance to pull back if she wanted. But she didn't. So Rachel pulled her in, ever so gently, wrapping her arms around the small frame. It was awkward, the car not designed for this kind of contact, but it worked. Rachel smoothed Janet's hair, rubbed her back. Please don't cry oh please don't cry please don't

Janet gripped handfuls of Rachel's coat. She had always been a quiet crier and now she barely made a sound. Only the minute shaking of her body and the tears leaking out of her eyes gave her away. She wasn't sure what she was crying about, exactly. Crying for the death of a marriage that had long ago ceased to be something she loved. Crying for her daughters. Tears of guilt. Or just because everything had built up so much and so heavy and so tight that she had to let it out somehow – all that messy, dark, emotional stuff that she didn't know how to put it all into words, choking her. Maybe, maybe all of that stuff, she didn't know.

Janet took a hold of a herself. She breathed deeply. Rachel's smell – sweetish perfume, bitter cigarettes, warm body and cosy wool coat. Very comforting and solid, like Rachel's arms around her. She felt better, Janet realised, even for those few moments of tears. And she felt a lot better for this hug, this holding, even if she was getting a crick in her back by now. Janet took another deep breath of Rachel. Remember this. Warmth, safety, caring. Time. Remember this.

Rachel blinked hard when she sensed that Janet was about to move. She didn't want even Janet to realise what a soft idiot she could be when it came to people crying. Didn't want her feeling guilty either – worrying about upsetting other people. She felt Janet place her hands flat against her shoulders and steel herself. Rachel loosened her hold and, when she felt Janet start to draw away from her, she sat back a little herself. She looked away while Janet rooted out a tissue and carefully wiped her eyes. A man was walking his dog, a couple of hundred yards away, too far to notice them and moving away. Rachel refocused on her friend. Janet looked up at her with enough pain and guilt in her eyes to floor a person. Rachel had to work very hard at looking back calmly and openly – not drowning her in sympathy. Just there. Ready to be there, be anything, for her friend. Janet dropped her eyes to the tissue she was now holding. Rachel heard the words she was about to say in the seconds before Janet opened her mouth.

I'm... She got in first.

'Don't be sorry.' Janet's head shot up. Rachel gave her a very small smile.

'Don't be.' Janet almost managed a smile back. Rachel felt a new ache in her chest.

She reached over and patted Janet's leg – easier than her arm.

'You've got nothing to feel sorry about.'

'He walked out,' she said slowly, 'and' - with a pause for breath, for strength, 'I told him... not to bother coming back.'

Telling Rachel wasn't like telling people. More like actually admitting it to herself. Nobody else cared in quite the same way as Rachel did, Janet could recognise that. Nobody else was interested in putting Janet first, even for five minutes. Hell, she barely did it herself, so why should they bother? But she appreciated it, more than she knew how to say actually. She took Rachel's hand, squeezed it tight. And she leaned over again, hoping that Rach would get the message, was on the same page. Relief trickled through her when Rachel puckered her lips up and leaned in a bit too so they met in the middle with a short soft kiss. Pulling back, Janet mentally shook herself. Since when did Rachel turn her away? There wasn't anything weird about it, it was what they did – sharing moments of joy and frustration and pain physically like this. Extremes of emotion drew them together. It was never planned, never ever talked about, but they always found each other when one or both of them needed an outlet, a connection, healing. Janet sighed. She was doubting herself at every turn today, didn't seem to have her judgement quite right. She felt Rachel squeezing her hand back. Thank you. Janet leaned in again, stretching over the handbrake. She tried to put all her feelings into the kiss – a little firmer this time, a little sweeter. For seeing me, for knowing me, for letting me be me. She breathed in that smell again and kissed her one more time, just because. What would I do without you?

Rachel felt herself relaxing too as they swapped kisses. Rachel's free hand touched Janet's face, her thumb stroking across her cheekbone. Janet had stopped crying. She was going to be ok. A secret little part of her was delighted that Janet had turned to her, trusted her, opened up and looked to her for comfort. It was that bad little part of her that she tried to keep firmly shut away, the little part that had got her into snogging Janet in the first place. She hid it deep inside most of the time, didn't even think about it, because she knew that there was nothing serious behind this kissing thing. But then, she told herself, there didn't have to be. It was pretty great as it was. She loved Janet – as a friend. They were close. That was it.

Her eyes scanned Janet's face as they both sat back in their seats again. Yeah, she was going to be ok. Rachel knew her instincts had been spot on with this one. Janet was already looking a lot better – less tense, less likely to blow away with a breath of wind, more present. It was a good thing all round. Good for Janet in the obvious way, but also good for the job. Janet was good, really good, and they needed that on the case. And with Jan not being on form, people were bound to notice, start asking questions which she would hate. Also, Rachel well knew, when she got round to thinking about it, Janet would beat herself up about not being a robot of professionalism, so the less she had to beat herself up about the better.

Right on cue, Janet spoke. 'We should get back to work.' She sighed, glanced at her watch. 'How long have we been awol?'

Rachel examined her friend more closely. A lot better, but still not right. Bit shaky.

'They'll manage. D'you wanna go and get a coffee?'

Janet paused, bit her lip. Then nodded. 'Mmm' she agreed with a lightening around her eyes that hinted at a smile.