Inspired by Series 3, episode 2 – this one takes place in two time periods, just like the episode so watch out for that. Just to be contrary, I've put the present day stuff in past tense and the months previously stuff in present tense. It made sense in my head!

As always, thank you for reading. I promise there will be more of this- I just love writing and shipping these two and the new series is beautiful.

Janet blew her breath out steadily into the still air just to watch it, white and thick, drifting away from her. Cold day. Too cold to be sitting around waiting for a suspect who might or might not turn up where he was supposed to be. Too cold to be following Rachel's hunches really, but then it was never quite that cold, no matter how bad the weather was. At least the bonnet of the car was warm behind them and Rachel was warm beside her. Better not to thing about Rachel's warmth though, dangerous territory these days. She seemed to spend far too much time skating on the very edge of a crack with nothing but dark water beneath her and she had never been that good at keeping her balance. Janet tipped her head back and blew out again, trying to drive her anxieties and unwanted thoughts away on that long lifting gossamer. All she had to do was act normal.

'He's not like that though, Sean. He's nice.'

.

'Yeah but it's not what I want.'

Rachel looked hard at Janet, willed her to look back at her, but Jan was staring off into the nether-distance, being deliberately obtuse. Rachel wanted to shake her. She had been telling the story all morning with a particular aim that she was leading up to but, now that she was getting close to the end, she was getting nervous. She just wanted Janet to understand. Surely she was making it obvious enough. If they could only get past a basic understanding, an acceptance, then they could skip all the rest of this shite and Rachel could just be kissing those lips that she couldn't quite stop looking at. But Janet was in a world of her own, only half-listening to the things Rachel was saying. Or rather, Rachel supposed, to be fair to her, Janet was only listening to the things Rachel was saying out loud, and not to all the rest of the stuff that she was looking and hinting at and trying to get out of her mouth. Rachel thought she was being pretty obvious actually, given she couldn't take her eyes off Jan, but seeing as Janet wasn't looking back, maybe it wasn't working. It was just so hard to say it out loud.

.

Janet was thinking about Adrian and this new girlfriend of his. She couldn't be quite sure if she had ever met her, all those teachers blurred into one, or at least into the same old types that had been there when she was at school. At one parents' evening, Janet had actually had to stop herself from calling one of them the name of her own old form teacher. It would be a big change for the girls, adjusting to a new person in their dad's life, though she was confident they would cope. They seemed to cope with everything much better than she had thought possible. A few tears, usually from Taisie, but they seemed to be accepting the constant reassurances that both their parents loved them, more than anyone else. Elise had perfected an eye-roll for when Janet reminded of that. She wondered how they would react if she brought someone home, if it was someone they knew, if it was Rachel. Not that she would. She had to put that out of her head, once and for all now.

.

'I phoned Ade before.'

'Did you?' Rachel watches her closely.

Janet takes a deep breath. 'Yeah.' She tries to smile, makes a strange grimace.

'Right.' Rachel nods. Janet does too.

'I think we should... try again, him and me. I mean, if he wants to that is.'

Rachel conceals a wince, as if she would just assume that the "we" Janet meant was the two of them, as if she could ever assume she was part of any "we" that matters.

'Good.' She knows she sounds hollow but it's the best she can do.

'Good.' She tries again but a smile is way beyond her. It's too much to ask really at the end of today, it's only the day she's been arrested for attempted murder, found out her ex has been nearly beaten to death and now she's getting chucked over. Funny that, getting dumped from a relationship that doesn't really exist. What do you call it?

'Rachel are you ok?' Janet is looking puzzled, concerned again. Does she even know what she's saying? Has Rachel picked up the wrong end of the stick? As usual.

'It's fine.' All this on top of the queen-mother of a hangover. 'No, really, I'm fine.'

.

'Are you listening to me?' Rachel leaned in closer. Still no sign of the suspect and she was getting fed up of Janet's dolly-daydream act.

'Yes.' Janet turned her head and looked her square in the face. She was pale, Rachel thought, even her lips looked pale and her eyes were huge, maybe she was cold.

'Janet.' Rachel touched her hand lightly to her friend's back. 'I'm saying... he's not what I want.'

Janet drew in a deep breath, held it, let it blow smoke between them. She spoke slow and quiet.

'We agreed, we weren't going to do this any more. We said Rachel.'

'I know.' Rachel shifted her hand higher, fingers brushing Janet's scarf at the nape of her neck. 'I made a mistake.'

'Rachel we're working.' Janet looked away from her. Rachel could see her breath coming faster.

'There's no one here,' Rachel whispered, her eyes on Janet's lips.

'Rachel.' A warning.

Rachel shrugged her disappointment, dropped her hand.

'Fine.'

.

Janet could feel herself quivering, though she hoped it was so small and tight a motion that even Rachel had not noticed. She as finding it hard to draw breath. She was, angry, she realised. Furious as well as frustrated. On edge. They had an agreement. They had made a decision, both of them, that they did not do this any more. They had stopped months ago. They had got control of themselves. They had each decided that it wasn't what they wanted and they had made choices. Rachel had chosen Sean, got married. Janet had chosen to try and save her marriage. Even if it hadn't worked out the way they wanted it to, that didn't mean Rachel could just turn round now all of a sudden and demand more. She couldn't just turn her feelings on and off like a bloody tap.

.

'Janet I've been thinking.'

It's bloody freezing standing out, waiting for taxis, especially when there's just been a rush on and they've all gone off leaving a lull of nearly five minutes now.

'What's up?'

Sean has grabbed the only taxi that has pulled up and he's having a crack with the driver, obviously going to be a while yet. Janet wraps her arms tighter round her body, tucks her hands more firmly under her armpits and looks at Rachel. It's bloody freezing but Rach has her coat open, a pathetically flimsy jumper underneath. It's a wonder she's not shivering, but she's just staring, very still.

'What?' Janet asks again, reaching out to take Rachel's hand. The leather of their gloves shifts slightly between them.

'I don't think we should do this any more.' Rachel squeezes her hand as she says it, hanging on.

'What?' Janet feels a tremor go through her, understanding.

'This us thing, what we do.' Rachel's eyes flick sideways then back again. 'I don't think it's good for us.'

Janet fights herself to stay calm, to sound calm, the same way she would in an interview, not to sound accusing or scare the person off.

'Why?'

Rachel sucks in a breath.

'I don't think... I'm good for you.'

'Rachel.'

'I don't want to ruin your life Janet.'

Another taxi pulls up and Rachel sprints over to it. She looks back while she's waiting for the driver to let the window down, peaking round over her shoulder. Janet is standing there against the building, still hugging herself tight.

.

'I am sorry, Janet.' Apologies always came out of Rachel stilted, like she was reading some formal letter that she had never seen before. Janet hunched her shoulders against the memory of that night, those feelings. Then she let her breath out long and slow, watched the barely visible threads tangle and drift away from her, rise and disappear in mere seconds.

'Do you have any idea... how much that hurt?' she asked, head tilted skywards.

'I made a mistake. I'm sorry.' It even sounded real this time, sounded genuine, almost natural and Janet was turning towards her when a movement caught her attention – car turning into the square.

'This it it. We got him.'