AN: After this chapter we shall be getting to some pretty happy times. Some people may have been dying from the sadness….*smiles*
When Maura worked in the morgue with dead people it was nothing but a job. The only thing of interest to her was finding COD, and/or other clues to assist the case. The medical examiner had had a handful of people close to her all her life, all of whom were still alive, with the exception of Jane, who coincidentally happened to be the most important. When she often witnessed her co-workers notify families she felt sad, but mostly pity for them. She wondered how they would feel a few days later, or after the funeral, but that was as far as her thoughts took her. Maura never imagined how the loved ones would cope months and months after the incident. How they would cope years later. How their lives would never be the same again. Death related emotions- she read about in books, or heard people talk about. Despite her IQ level, the understanding of the emotions that washed over a person following the death of a loved one often eluded her.
But as she sat on a small rag by the seaside on Christmas Day, Maura found herself thinking about all those families she had witnessed mourn the death of their loved ones. She wondered what they did to cope. Because she herself was not coping. She was a shell of herself and she knew it. Her insides were hollow. She was filled with emptiness and nothing else. All those years ahead that awaited her, she wasn't entirely sure how she would make it. It was a monotonous internal conversation she always had , but got no answer. She wondered now about the afterlife, something she had often left to science – dwelling instead on the body's decomposition. Now she began thinking about the soul. Maura wondered if Jane's soul was around, or if Jane could see her, or whatever all that other stuff people believed in was true. She let science take a back sit for a moment and thought about it thoroughly.
The only answer she had for sure was that life would never be the same again. She would go on for years and years and would always know there was once a Jane Rizzoli in the world. People to come would only hear of Jane as a story and nothing more. She hated that thought especially, because a story would never do Jane justice. A person had to meet Jane first hand. She shook her head when she thought about whether Jane had gone to heaven or hell. Then she started feeling bad when she realized she wouldn't make it into heaven since she wasn't spiritual. So if Jane was in heaven and she went to hell, that would mean she would never meet her in the afterlife. Maura had never in her life felt so ridiculous. All the 'what if's' she so hated, the merry-go-round thinking, and the spirituality dimensions was driving her insane- clinically insane, if she was honest with herself. Scenarios of all sorts were swimming through her mind and she couldn't stop them.
Her only solace in a time like this was music. The doctor had taken an unexpected interest in music and in that moment she had her iphone playing 'when I see you smile by Clay Aiken'. A tear escaped her right eye as she remembered how a few months ago she would have found the song super cheesy. Funny how life turns out, the song made complete sense to her then. She couldn't help singing along 'baby there's nothing in this world that could ever do, what the touch of your hands can do, it's like nothing that I ever knew, and when the rain is falling I don't feel it cause you're here with me, and one look at you baby, can make everything alright…sometimes I wanna give up, I wanna give in, I wanna quite the fight, then one look at you baby, can make everything alright…when I see you smile, I can face the world, oooohhh, you know I can do anything'.
Then the waterworks began again.
She remembered how it had started raining one day when Jane and herself were out running. Jane had put her arms around her cold body and she had immediately forgotten about the rain. She thought of the numerous times Jane had just looked at her and flashed her Rizzoli smile and suddenly Maura's world had fallen into place. Many times she had wanted to give in to the fight for her feelings for Jane and just tell the detective. But Jane had – as usual- graced her with that beautiful smile and Maura had been terrified to lose that, so she kept it in. It seemed to her of late, that many songs fit into her current/previous predicament. She wondered if that was what ultimately drew people to music. Either way, she loved it. And that is what had kept her sane for the past few weeks. She would – in her little free time- listen to various kinds of music and connect the lyrics to her life. It gave her something less harmful to do, and at this point she had started to love it. She made a special playlist on her phone were she saved all the songs she would have loved to listen to with Jane.
So this is how Maura had spent her Christmas and New Year's holiday, awaiting the beginning of the opening of school. She made no 'New Year's Resolutions', but for the first time ever, she prayed. This was unfamiliar territory to Maura. The most praying she had done, or witnessed, was saying grace at a dining table. But she was at wits end, and was willing to try just about anything – so she prayed to a God she didn't believe in that night. She wasn't sure how to, so her best option was to wing it and speak from the heart, regardless of the haphazard nature...God didn't mind, right?
''Dear Lord, I can only hope I will be forgiven for doing this the wrong way, and for coming to you as a last resort. If Jane Rizzoli is with you, I ask that you take care of her for me. Thank you for helping me know love, even though it has virtually killed me. May you please tell Jane that I love her, that I always will. Make sure she knows that I miss her horribly and that she will never be forgotten. If you love me Lord, like they say 'you love everybody', why have you put me through so much pain? What is it that I have done so wrong to deserve this? Is it because they say homosexuality is not for God's children? I don't understand. If so, why then did you let me fall in love with her? Does it matter who you love? We did more good together than apart. Didn't that count for anything? It not my place to be angry now. And it is too late anyway. If she just knows that her love was requited, that's all I ask. That's what I am praying for Lord. That's all I ask of you…..amen.''
Maura had to be back at work the next day, so she prepared for bed early in order to get a good night's rest. She had fast gotten into the habit of putting her iphone on her speakers and leaving the music play all night. When she lay in bed that night, she did her usual then settled in to sleep. She couldn't help singing along again (a new habit) to Celine Dion's – Alone, 'You don't know how long I have wanted, to touch your lips and hold you tight, no you don't know how long I have waited and I was gonna tell you tonight, but the secret is still my own, and my love for you is still unknown, Alone. Till now, I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met you…'
Songs like this were the type that often made her angry at Jane. She willed herself (uselessly), not to cry, and with much effort, eventually drifted to sleep.
The Rizzoli family had officially had their three worst holidays, one after the other (thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year). Less than favorable as the situation was, the boys tried their damn best to console their mother. Not a single good thing came out of the holiday season. With all the family and friends around, Angela just felt suffocated and wanted it all to just end. With nothing positive coming about, luckily nothing negative occurred as well - which turned out to be the only good thing.
When the holiday fever came to an end and celebrations wound down, Angela was left to wonder if she should have a form of ceremony for Jane. A handful of people had pointed it out to her, but she had shut them up in the blink of an eye. But now she wondered. Maybe it was the only way she could get some semblance of peace.
''Do you think I am crazy for not doing anything for my Janie'', she sounded as if she was thinking aloud.
''Of course not Angela. This is hardly the simplest of things to do, worse still with no body'', Korsak had come to visit her after his day at work – as he often did, and was trying to muster as much calm as he could.
''I just don't know Korsak, people keep asking me. And I'm starting to think I am doing a very wrong thing''. It didn't take much for Angela to cry since the incident, tears had begun welling in her eyes already.
''I want you to know that it's very understandable.'' He reached out to hold her hands. ''That was your child Angela. And the only closure you can get is if we find her body. Having a ceremony is just formality, but it's not going to do anything to make you feel better. To make ANY of us feel better.''
That seemed to do the trick for the time being. ''If we don't find her by the time we get to November, it will be a year. Maybe we can have a ceremony then. Is it ok?''
''Of course Angela. I think that's reasonable enough''. The older detective gathered her into a bear hug that she sunk into.
When end of January graced the city of Boston, Casey found himself neatly settled into a city he had so dearly missed. Nothing much had changed. It was still cold, still busy, still very 'Boston'. And he loved it. The only thing of significance though, the only thing he loved the most, was the only thing missing – Jane. And that made the biggest difference ever.
His job, to his astonishment, proved worthwhile. He met with the young adults considering joining the army. He offered his expertise, helped them make sure they were making the right choice, and gave them the extra training they needed. His earnings were also desirable and two months into the job, he was already picturing himself living large.
Dating is what he hadn't taken enough time to think about. On some level he was just like Jane, which was one of the reasons why they fit so well together (well, according to him). He had very minimal relationship experience, having been with the girl he was in love with from a very young age. And being in Afghanistan didn't do him much good either on that scale. After breaking off with Jane, he was sure getting someone else would be like looking for a needle in a hay stack. He wasn't in any hurry anyway, so he put it off till…..whenever!
AN: Had to post this. longer chapters coming up soon.