AN : You know I update fast, but like I mentioned, these two chapters are going to take me some time. There's lots to figure out. Thanks for your patience. Next chapter the day after tomorrow- at the latest!
Maura woke up as frantically as a person who would have been having a nightmare. During the day her brain was mostly in a semi shut down mode, so when she was asleep all things seemed to come to her. She had completely forgotten she needed to send in her application for the extension of her work visa and she needed her attorney reference. Things like those are what she had told Mr Perkins she would email him about, but it only registered that the deadline was the next day as she opened her computer. Thankfully it was the morning in America so she picked up her phone to call the man.
''I will email you the page you have to sign and please make sure you send it back right away. It needs to be submitted before the end of tomorrow''
''I'll do that Doctor Isles, don't worry''
''Thank you. Take care'', Maura was about to hang up when Mr Perkins suddenly remembered.
''Oh hold on. There is a Jane Rizzoli who has been calling me for quite some time now. She said I should tell you that she is alive. I know you expressed your desire to not be associated with anything going on here; it's just that she has been begging and pestering me for a while now. I hope you don't mind'', he was going on and hadn't even realized Maura seemed no longer be on the phone, it hadn't hung up though, ''…..Doctor Isles? Are you there?'' I should have kept my fucking mouth shut. Now the shit storm is going to hit. Great! He thought to himself
''Are you….absolutely sure?'' she spoke it so weakly, Mr Perkins was almost scared.
''I think I am, yes. She said something about there being a misunderstanding with her death. The whole thing seemed rather bizarre if you ask me. That's why I neglected taking any action towards it. I apologize if I upset, she just kept begging and I thought maybe I should mention it to you'', he was desperately hoping Maura would let it go and not give him a hard time over it.
''Its fine. Thank you'', and she hung up. The attorney breathed a sigh of relief, 'that went well. Maybe this Jane character will cease the incessant phone calls'.
Maura thought she could die from the races going on in her mind. However scientifically inaccurate it was, her breathing was so shallow if anyone was looking they would have assumed she wasn't breathing. Despite all the emotions wreaking havoc within her, Maura wasn't sure she was even feeling anything at all.
Because the doctor had experienced countless bouts of raging emotions over the months, she had learnt how to handle each emotion one at a time. There was the obvious elation, which she quickly tucked away for later. Now was hardly the time to be over joyed, she had to be absolutely certain of this new found information. There was fear; she was scared to know what Jane had endured. And several more emotions in between. But the most prominent was humiliation. Humiliation that Jane had been told about her actions, and that she (Maura) had turned to fleeing to the unknown.
Her head had started to ache bitterly. She was thinking too hard, too fast. She was trying to solve and unsolved all aspects of the tragedy. The normally practical doctor was putting words into people's mouths and pulling them out again. She was telling herself stories of how to exonerate herself over and over.
By this time Maura had laid herself on the bed – face up. When she initially laid down her hand had automatically reached to put on her music. Her mind seemed to have momentarily ceased all thought as a new song began playing.
''it's been seven hours and fifteen days, since you took your love away. I go out every night and sleep all day, since you took your love away.'' She was singing along by the time the song got to the second verse…..''It's been so lonely without you here, like a bird without a song. Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling, tell me baby, where did I go wrong…nothing compares, nothing compares to you''.
It was true Maura gathered, nothing compared to Jane. If Jane had been going out of her mind to find her, she needed to do something about it. Humiliation be damned. Maura was positive going back to Boston will be like walking into a death chamber. But she was overwhelmed by the need to make sure Jane was alright. She would never be able to fall asleep without seeing with her own two eyes that Jane was fine, no matter how much she tried to kid herself.
So she braced herself for her impending actions. After a good forty-five minutes she compartmentalized everything in terms of priority. First was to call Jane and tell her she was coming. Then she thought better of it and decided to surprise her. After she got to Boston she would see how Jane was and then pick it up from there.
Quickly she jumped out of bed to sit on her computer. She emailed Mr Perkins her application form then sat down to give herself a moment of composure. After thinking about it again, and realizing there was no point dwelling on the inevitable, she purchased a ticket to Boston for the next day in the morning. After making her travel arrangements and receiving the signed form from Mr Perkins, she submitted her application. Work application. Oh my God. She had totally forgotten about work. She wasn't going in the next morning, and she was going half way across the world for an undefined time period.
Now she had a new set of problems. Her school was going to be less than pleased with her sudden departure and she wasn't sure if they were going to find someone to cover for her in such a short space. She liked her job, and she felt horrible about her undependability, but she had no choice. She hoped the head mistress wouldn't be too mad, as well as her fellow workers who would be burdened with a slight and sudden overload. She would have to call in to the school the next morning on her way to the airport.
She had gotten about an hour of sleep before she woke up in terror and with her new found information sleep was never going to come. So Maura began packing her clothes, all the while wondering what Boston would be like. There was so much to think about but most of her thoughts were occupied by Jane. She dreaded thinking about anything that hadn't already happened (like Jane falling into her arms or something), and just stuck to remembering the past. She was trying not to get herself all worked up. It became even harder when she thought about the prospect that Jane may not be there at all. What if it had been Frost or Frankie who called her attorney and lied just to lure her back? That thought caused a near fainting episode in which she had to go and take a long bath to calm herself. Then she convinced herself that Jane's family and friends would never deceive anyone to such an extent. The greater part of her just wanted to believe it was all true and she didn't want to hear otherwise.
Maura was aware that Boston would serve her a colourful platter, but she didn't care in that moment. Jane had set aside the one thing she held high – her pride, to tell Maura how much she loved her. And Maura would do whatever in the world it took to make sure Jane knew she felt the exact same way.
6am the next morning and Maura was on her way to the airport. It was February in Boston and would be cold so Maura had on a pair of jeans, flat leather boots, a simple sweater and a coat for when she arrived. After checking in she was sitting at the departure gates when she called her work to let them know. She had to choose her words carefully in fear of going vasovagal. She settled for telling them that she had a family emergency that had to be seen to in person immediately. Jane was her family, it was an emergency, and she definitely had to be there in person. The head mistress was more than a little surprised. Maura spoke nothing of her person life so it was somewhat out of the blue. There wasn't much she could do anyway; with Maura telling her she was boarding a plane in fifteen minutes. Maura told her she would call her as soon as she got to Boston and determined how long she would have to be there.
She slept throughout most of her flight since she hadn't had any sleep the night before. And when she was not asleep, she took the opportunity to write in her journal to Jane, who was now alive. She smiled at that thought. It was a little confusing for her to write in the beginning. Most of the time she would write things like ''….I wish were still here Jane. I wonder where you are. I miss you so much''. But then she realized she didn't have to change anything. She was still writing to a Jane she hadn't yet seen. After filling almost four pages with what was going on in her mind and all her physical symptoms, her hand hurt so she stopped.
Air New Zealand landed at Logan Boston at precisely 4am on a very cold Tuesday. It wasn't until 5:30 that Maura smelt for the first time in a long time the fresh Boston air. An incoming message an hour ago from Mr Perkins had told her Angela's address, where she presumed Jane would be staying after recently being back home. She had email Mr Perkins to ask him for Angela's address the previous night when they had been exchanging emails about her visa extension.
She felt the cold wind of Boston as she waited for a taxi and for a split second she missed the warmth of her home. It was an awkward type of feeling when she allowed herself to think about it in great detailed though. New Zealand didn't really feel like home to her, and now neither did Boston. She didn't know where she belonged anymore. But when she dug even deeper into her heart and soul, she knew the exact answer.
Her mind was going a mile a minute sitting in the back seat of the taxi. She was roughly fifteen minutes from Angela's house and she started wondering if maybe it was too early to be there. Of course it's early, it's not even 6am, she chided herself. She was almost there anyway. And she was way too anxious to see Jane. The woman she had almost given up her life for. The woman she loved with everything she had. The woman she would put above all else. The time of day held absolutely no value.
She smiled to herself as the taxi pulled up in front of Angela's place. It was a neat, sweet house. The driver swiftly unloaded her two suitcases, she paid him generously and he was on his way. Wobbly legs led her to the front door where she rang the doorbell with shaky hands. This is it Maura. Pull yourself together. Two rings later and Angela opened the door in a thick nightgown and a pissed off expression. It immediately dissipated when her eyes met Maura's. For a few seconds they both stood still staring at each other. Maura only hoped the elder woman was not upset with her. And when Angela said nothing for a long time, Maura started wishing Jane had opened the door instead. With her emotions not being intact and weak, she broke off immediately into tears. Angela finally met earth and hurried to engulf Maura in a strong hug.
''I'm so sorry Angela. I'm so sorry'', Maura began.
''Shhhh, Its ok honey. Come in, it's freezing outside''. Angela helped to wheel the other of Maura's suitcases into the house and jumped right into it, ''Maura, where have you been? We were looking everywhere for you''.
''I'm sorry I left the way I did Angela. I sincerely apologize.'' Maura was already in a fit of tears.
''Come here honey. Please sit down. It's alright'', Angela said rubbing Maura's back in an up-down motion.
''i-i-is….'', she tried but couldn't finish the sentence. Thankfully Angela knew exactly what the sobbing woman wanted to ask.
''She's back Maura. And she's alright. She is fine''.
''Can I see her? I-i-i-is she asleep?'', it was becoming incredibly difficult for Maura to articulate herself the way she intended.
''Please let me make you some coffee so we can both get warm, and we can sit and talk''. There it was. Dodging the question. Maura was the master of that particular trade, meaning she could pick up on it faster than a lightning bolt. She wouldn't ask though. She knew she deserved it because of the way she had left things. Her mind starting going off on a race all on its own. She started telling herself that maybe Jane didn't want to see her, and that possibly all those things Frankie had said to her Jane agreed with, or that life was just simply better in Boston without her.
Before leaving she had convinced herself all those things were untrue and that Jane loved her; now though, she wasn't so sure. So she sat on the couch as Angela made them both some coffee. She distracted herself by looking around to try and keep the tears from falling. She at least hoped she could formulate a decent and mature conversation with Jane's mother without falling to pieces.
She started to notice that most of all the furniture was hers (well at least used to be), with a few other things from Jane's apartment. The place looked so clean and orderly. There didn't seem to be traces of Jane and that, more than anything else, made her extremely nervous. She spotted the two photos of her and Jane on the mantel piece easily but she didn't dare stand to pick them up. It would just bring her to a crying mess, again. So she sat down, and just looked around until Angela returned.
''Where have you been Maura? Do you have any idea how worried sick I was about you? You can't go running off like that without a word'', Angela seemed to have turned over a new leaf while making coffee. ''and you leave me a note Maura, after pulling off such an act. You two almost killed me you know that? I don't even know how I made it through'', it was now Angela's turn to cry.
Maura felt awful. She was expecting a cold shoulder or a few distasteful words. But the hurt Angela was portraying cut deep into her. She may have just underestimated the hurt she had caused people by walking away the way she did.
''I'm sorry Angela. It won't happen again I assure you. I was in so much pain and so confused I handled the whole situation disgracefully. I'm truly sorry.''
''It alright, you're here now''. Angela took a few long swigs of her hot beverage clearly stalling for time. Two things bothered her in that moment. First, and most importantly, she had promised Jane she would let her know the second she knew anything about Maura. And as it appeared, Maura had not communicated with Jane. Second, the older woman was not sure how Maura was going to take to hearing Jane was living with Casey. She had deduced there was an odd love between the girls, if she could call it that. Maura she was sure was in love with her daughter. But it was Jane that left her with all the question marks. How did her daughter really feel about her best friend? Was it a love her Jane saw worth pursuing? She guessed not, because the woman in question was 'in love' with another man. So she sat there – conflicted as ever, trying to figure out where to begin.
''Is Jane around?'', Maura thought to rephrase the question.
''No, she isn't''. Maura saw something in Angela's eyes she couldn't understand. Was that pity? She wasn't sure. And she wasn't going to let herself get all riled up over assumptions.
''I need to see her Angela. Can you understand that?''
''Believe it or not, I can understand it. She'll be here later today. Can you wait that long?'', Angela tried to smile at Maura hoping to encourage her to agree. Lucky for her it worked. Maura seemed to be nodding in acceptance. ''you seem tired honey. Get some sleep and I'll make a nice lunch this afternoon and we can talk later ok. Don't look so worried. Everything is going to be ok''
Maura noticed how evasive Angela was, but she was exhausted, and scared to find out what the problem was. If Jane was going to show up later that day, there was no use making a scene and demanding to see her. She was the one who had left after all. She fell into Angela's arms again and began crying. This time she wasn't sure why. The tears just rolled out of their own accord, and she let them. Angela patiently held her until she was better.
''Thank you Maura''.
She shot her head up really fast in confusion. Angela smiled, ''for the house, and the car. Thank you''.
Angela was surprised at how Maura genuinely looked like she had forgotten what she did for her.
''You don't have to thank me for that Angela…'', she wanted to say more, but there was really nothing to say. You don't have to thank me because…..? There was nothing more to add.
Sensing this Angela got to her feet and pulled Maura up. ''Come on, have a nice warm shower and go to sleep. You look like you haven't slept in days. Where have you been anyway?''
The question still hadn't been answered. ''Thank you. I could use a nice hot shower and a good nap.''
''Not a nap!'', Angela looked mortified as she held her hand to her chest. ''you need a sleep, a long one. I expect to see you up at lunch time. Not before''.
It certainly didn't take the Rizzoli matriarch long to get into overbearing mother mode. It was probably a constant state. Like diabetes or something. It's not exactly written on a person's forehead, but certain things trigger its appearance. And it definitely doesn't come and go.
''When you get up I'll show you around. Oh and I got some of your things in the basement''. Angela was now speaking loudly as she pulled Maura's case into the spare room and went about getting towels for Maura to use.
''You kept my stuff?'', Maura's eyes were wide.
''I knew you had certain things you loved and I couldn't part with them; I knew you wouldn't want either. So I kept some stuff. I knew you would come back someday''. It was almost impossible not to cry. Maura thought maybe if she just let all the tears out they would eventually cease making an appearance after every two sentences.
As Maura stood in the shower letting the hot water run down her body, she thought of her favourite clothes that Angela was talking about. For some reason that didn't seem like her anymore. Since she left Boston she had been wearing 'normal clothes' (as Jane would have put it). Clothes that didn't cost more than an average person weekly salary. It was strange at first, but she was used to it now.
She smiled when she tried to figure out what Jane's reaction to that change would be. That smile faltered as fast as it had emerged when she remembered that something was off. After feeling immensely refreshed Maura went back to the bedroom to sleep, as Angela had called it. It was almost eight and the outside was getting brighter when she set her alarm for 1pm. It felt good lying down and it took her no time at all to fall asleep.
Angela was closely watching Maura as she got settled in, then went to take a shower, and then went to sleep. There are a lot of things Angela saw in the woman. Maura was nothing like she used to be. Yes she still spoke elegantly and proper, still had her unique manners, but she was different. Her hair was now shorter and a light brown kind of colour, not so much blonde as before. Her skin was nicely tanned making her freckles not so prominent. Her dressing was the simplest and most casual Angela had ever seen her since they met the first time those years ago. She had lost some weight, not too much, but enough to notice. But the greatest change Angela saw was the pain in her eyes. She looked so pained it broke Angela to bits. She was helpless. She didn't know how to help, or if Maura could even be helped.
She decided to text Jane and tell her to stop by after work. She figured at least by that time she would have managed to talk to Maura about how Jane was getting on. She thought it would lighten the burden of the conversation between the two when they eventually met. When she got a 'sure' from Jane instead of an interrogation she thanked the gods.
Since she had woken up incredibly early, she went back for a quick snooze and she was up in an hour and half. It was 10am when she got up and took a shower of her own. She tried to be silent so she wouldn't wake the sleeping doctor. The morning was spent cleaning around. She busied herself by doing her laundry and sweeping up. When it was almost midday she decided to start on lunch. There were several foods already stocked up. All her children practically ate all their meals at her place. If they were not coming for food, she was taking it to them. She wanted to make Maura something nice and filling, she wasn't too pleased with the little bit of weight Maura had lost.
Cooking didn't go entirely silent, because Maura was up just five minutes after she started in the kitchen. After Maura got herself dressed in black sweatpants and a red t-shirt with several little handprints, and stripped white and black socks she made her way to the kitchen.
Angela laughed out loud before saying anything. Then regaining her composure she began, ''Oh my God Maura. What are you wearing?''. She made it sound like Maura had committed a sin.
The confused woman looked down at her attire and didn't see anything wrong, ''What do you mean?'' At least she still had her cluelessness trademark.
''You never dress like that'', she waved a wooden spoon up and down Maura's body.
Maura finally caught on and just shyly smiled and shrugged her shoulders.
''Take a seat honey. Do you want anything? I was just starting to make us some lunch'', Angela spoke moving up and down the kitchen busy-bodily as usual.
''I could help if you don't mind. I am a little hungry''. So Maura set about taking instructions from Angela about the meal they were preparing.
Meanwhile at the Boston Police Department Detective Jane Rizzoli was having a miserable day as usual. Frost and Korsak kept talking about how their Valentine's Day had gone and they wouldn't back off asking her.
''It's been two freaking days for crying out loud. Won't you leave me alone already? Geez''
That seemed to encourage her friends even more. They enjoyed getting a rise out of her.
''Oh c'mon Janie, it's just us. Talk.'', Korsak went on.
''Don't call me that. You know what; I'm taking an early lunch. See you later'', Jane grabbed her jacket and stormed out irritated as ever. They seemed not to have noticed Jane was having some serious personal issues that week. Since her talk with Frankie she had been trying to reassemble her life. As she walked out she thought maybe she would head over to her mothers and talk to her about her decision to leave Casey. That conversation obviously entailed several other topics and it would not go smoothly. But she had to do it, sooner rather than later. She was getting way too frustrated for her liking and she feared she would hurt someone one day if things got out of hand. Her mother had said she wanted to see her anyway.
So she jumped into her cruiser and headed towards her mother's place. It worked well also because she was hungry and she knew her mother always had cooked food. She made it there in fifteen good minutes and stressfully walked to the front door. She had a spare key from when she lived there not too long ago so she let herself in.
''Ma…it's me, I go-''
She was cut short when she fully entered, only to be greeted by her mother and her Maura heartily laughing together standing over a pot with some boiling substance. Both women immediately fell silent went they turned and saw a speechless looking Jane.
AN : Is Jane going to run and lift Maura up in a hug, or lose her freaking mind over not being told? Hhmmmm! Also, for those interested, the song Maura was listening to is Nothing Compares to you - Sinead O'Conner.